Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[Blanco]

I can understand that. I'm still hoping this might come back in the future but this probably won't. I feel like when this would come back, we still would make a chance.

 

It was frustrating for me as well because in general I knew that that was a problem, but I was always ready to go and wanted to make a real effort to get her there as well.

 

I know this was probably a big part since we talked about it a lot. I've lost 8 kg over the past two weeks and maybe when she sees me again in some time she might feel different, I don't know...

 

Right now you're still in denial and bargaining. That's normal. It won't last forever.

 

What you need to be doing to balance these thoughts, though, is reminding yourself that a genuinely good relationship/fit doesn't have three separations, especially in such a relatively short time span.

 

She's shown you three times now she has the ability to walk away from you. How could you ever fully trust her if you got back together? How could you build a life, marry, have children, and all that, with someone who has proven to you multiple times that she can and will leave you?

 

If she does come back, and you two got back together, your relationship will never be the same. Not only do you carry with you the eternal reminder that this girl has left you many times, but you also know she's slept with at least one person. Those things together will no doubt leave you in a place of insecurity as it relates to her. And then, it's probably only a matter of time before she dips out again.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

Right now, you're only seeing her for who you believed her to be or who you wished she was..not who she actually was. That'll change down the road as you work through your situation. But for now, all I can do is get you focus on the reality.

 

Yes, she was generous. Yes, she was great. But she was also holding out on you regarding her feelings in the relationship. You didn't see this break up coming and that's enough proof she wasn't as honest as she lead you to believe. It's not always a good thing when there are minimal disagreements or fights in a relationship. It can mean either one party or both parties choose to avoid confrontation or choose to discuss how they really feel about matters with someone else. Disagreeing or a fighting can be a good thing as long as it's balanced. It's all about that balance. Regarding the lack of sex, this showed decreasing attraction on her end. She was beginning to see you more as a friend. A shoulder to cry on.

 

If you're reading a lot of articles, I'd suggest you about the stages of grief. It'll help you get a better understanding of how we grieve after loss which will ultimately help you as you progress. As Blanco mentioned, you're experiencing two phases in your grief: Denial and Bargaining. When you think losing 8kg might somehow make her want to come back and give it a second shot, that's bargaining. Bargaining can also be thinking if you stay in NC, she'll miss you and come back. They both usually go hand in hand.

 

- Beach

Edited May 27, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

Actually she was honest with me. We were very honest with each other and talked about all our problems. We talked about our sexual problems as well, the only thing she indeed didn't tell me is that it was probably according to loss of physical attraction that the sex went down. Because we still were intimate with each other, but this was more on a cuddling and kissing level.

 

I didn't lose 8kg of weight just to make an impression, it's actually a result of the break up since I can't really eat a lot.

 

But yes I can honestly say I'm hoping that by using NC she will start to miss me and think she made a mistake, even though I might not take her back if she would come back.

Edited May 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

Actually she was honest with me. We were very honest with each other and talked about all our problems.

 

OP, listen carefully.

 

When someone dumps you, it isn't an overnight decision. They were thinking about it for a long time. The journey started months in advance. I've mentioned this before. While you two were out together having fun, while she was alone and maybe even while you two were cuddling, thoughts such as "Is this guy the right person for me? Can I see myself with him?" entered her mind. You just didn't know about it because she didn't tell you. Those little doubts collected and brewed over time until she made up her mind to leave.

 

It was a conscious choice. Not a mistake. She was able to drop you and have sex with someone else shortly after because she had already emotionally checked out of the relationship. If she was still emotionally connected to you, do you think any of this would have happened? No. Her choosing to sleep with someone else wouldn't have crossed her mind and even if it did, it would have made her feel terrible! Matter of fact, recall that you were so disillusioned and shocked by the whole thing, you wanted to call her a skank. You didn't see this coming. If you didn't see this coming, then would it not be entirely possible that you didn't know everything because she didn't tell you everything?

 

All this "We were honest and everything was fine" is you being in denial about your circumstances. Things were NOT fine in your relationship. That's why it ended.

 

A lot of posters on this thread know this, which is why they agree she's no good.

Edited May 28, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

That's a big part, OP. Sexual intimacy is what distinguishes a good friendship from a romantic relationship. Sexual desire ebbs and flows, but if it's consistently not great, and disappears almost completely for months, then you have a significant problem. A good relationship needs sexual compatibility.

 

It is going to be hard to swallow, but I think she started to see you more as a friend. Sometimes there is no logical explanation for it either. I know when I was checking out of a long-term relationship (years ago now) I didn't want to sleep with my then-boyfriend either. I wasn't totally ready to admit I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I just couldn't bring myself to get intimate when I no longer felt that way about him. I am guessing that's a big part of what happened with your ex, too.

 

I read somewhere decades ago that sometimes losing sexual desire for a man is the first sign a woman is realizing the relationship isn't working for her. Once that happens, I just don't see it ever coming back. It's like letting air out of a balloon. Pffftt, it's gone.

[preraph]

I can understand that. I'm still hoping this might come back in the future but this probably won't. I feel like when this would come back, we still would make a chance.

 

It was frustrating for me as well because in general I knew that that was a problem, but I was always ready to go and wanted to make a real effort to get her there as well.

 

I know this was probably a big part since we talked about it a lot. I've lost 8 kg over the past two weeks and maybe when she sees me again in some time she might feel different, I don't know...

 

You can't turn a woman on who is not sexually into you and thinks of you only as a friend, and I think that's what happened here. It doesn't matter if you're doing everything right, if she's started to feel more like you're just a friend or like you're like a brother to her (or a father even), that attraction is dead for her and not coming back.

[preraph]

Right now you're still in denial and bargaining. That's normal. It won't last forever.

 

What you need to be doing to balance these thoughts, though, is reminding yourself that a genuinely good relationship/fit doesn't have three separations, especially in such a relatively short time span.

 

She's shown you three times now she has the ability to walk away from you. How could you ever fully trust her if you got back together? How could you build a life, marry, have children, and all that, with someone who has proven to you multiple times that she can and will leave you?

 

If she does come back, and you two got back together, your relationship will never be the same. Not only do you carry with you the eternal reminder that this girl has left you many times, but you also know she's slept with at least one person. Those things together will no doubt leave you in a place of insecurity as it relates to her. And then, it's probably only a matter of time before she dips out again.

 

^ Wise words.

[jospêh]

I'm just constantly doubting myself and what went wrong at this point.

I'm guessing it was the physical attraction that really just faded for her, but I'm trying to find the cause of this, something I did wrong, or something I stopped doing over time but can't figure out what is was.

 

I want to improve myself for myself but need to figure out this riddle first, and actually what I feel now is that only my ex has the answer but I don't want to break NC

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm just constantly doubting myself and what went wrong at this point.

I'm guessing it was the physical attraction that really just faded for her, but I'm trying to find the cause of this, something I did wrong, or something I stopped doing over time but can't figure out what is was.

 

This is going to be futile, OP.

 

Often times, we can't explain why we are or are not attracted to someone. And just because one person isn't attracted doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something wrong. Especially when we are young, we are growing and changing so quickly that our preferences can change too.

 

My best guess is that her attraction was always less than yours; she's left three times now, after all. She was obviously into you at some point but a girl who is crazy about you isn't going to keep calling it off. Her lack of physical attraction is a reflection of her overall lukewarm feelings.

[Blanco]

Someone who breaks up with you multiple times is never going to be able to give you the stability and peace of mind necessary to sustain a long-lasting healthy relationship.

[Beachead]

I'm just constantly doubting myself and what went wrong at this point.

I'm guessing it was the physical attraction that really just faded for her, but I'm trying to find the cause of this, something I did wrong, or something I stopped doing over time but can't figure out what is was.

 

I want to improve myself for myself but need to figure out this riddle first, and actually what I feel now is that only my ex has the answer but I don't want to break NC

 

Your ex isn't the gold standard of perfection for which you have to rise to the occasion for. She herself has flaws. A lot of them. So don't bow down to her and ask her what you did wrong. Having said that, it's good to work on yourself. Just make sure you work on what YOU perceive to be weaknesses, not what SHE perceived as weaknesses. A lot of people out there think they're changing for themselves when they're really changing because of someone else, so be careful.

 

What you may come to believe were the reasons for your ex leaving might actually be the very thing that someone new might love about you. The very thing that might attract them.

 

It isn't your sole responsibility to make your relationship work. It's hers too. There are a number of reasons for why people leave relationships and most of them are out of your control. For example, her past, who she is as a person, how she feels about her life, who she associates herself with etc. Do you have control over this? Not much. So, whether you were boyfriend of the year or not, it wouldn't have made a difference in her decision because at the end of the day, several other factors out of your control contributed to her leaving.

 

- Beach

Edited May 29, 2019 by Beachead

[Blanco]

Good point. It's not your job to fix anyone, whether or not they're asking for that. And most people don't ask for that; it's just something their partner may try to impose on them.

[jospêh]

This is going to be futile, OP.

 

Often times, we can't explain why we are or are not attracted to someone. And just because one person isn't attracted doesn't necessarily mean you're doing something wrong. Especially when we are young, we are growing and changing so quickly that our preferences can change too.

 

My best guess is that her attraction was always less than yours; she's left three times now, after all. She was obviously into you at some point but a girl who is crazy about you isn't going to keep calling it off. Her lack of physical attraction is a reflection of her overall lukewarm feelings.

 

Since she was the one who had a crush on me before we started going out together I think she indeed was into me. For me everything actually started out as just a casual fling and I didn't wanted to get in a relationship with anyone, but yeah things turned out differently.

 

I know I need time to heal and time for myself, but I can't help but thinking about her. I'm torn about what to do next. My mind is telling me to let go, since it's been 3 break ups already, but my heart still wants to be with her, loves her, and wants to make her the happy girl she was when starting the relationship.

 

At this point I'm starting to lose hope and starting to feel I'll never be able to move on from her. I know this sounds stupid and that everyone has been through a break up like this, but I can't help it.

 

Everything I do or see reminds me of her. When going out with friends, 1 thing that someone says can be enough to get me thinking about her and missing her again.

 

I can't get my mind to rest

[Blanco]

It's normal, especially since this was your first serious relationship. Own these feelings while remembering that how you're feeling will not last forever.

 

Give yourself time to mourn the relationship's demise, accept that it is over, and remind yourself of how even if she did come back, she's left you three times already and that would likely keep you from ever fully trusting her.

 

If you haven't already, block her number and any other way she could theoretically contact you. That will help put your mind to rest, because I'm sure you're wondering if and when she'll contact you.

 

And remember: Everything is good or great in the beginning. We're on our best behavior and do what we can to cloak our flaws and bad tendencies. The person she was at the beginning of your relationship was only a representative of her, not who she truly was.

[crispytoast]

What I'm about to say is a lot and parts might sound harsh, but it comes from a place of experience and I really wish someone told me this when I split with my first long term girlfriend. Although I was a hot headed little hellion so it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway.

 

I know she seems like the world to you and you feel like you were soul mates. However, she wants to move on. Even if you do get her back, it won't be a matter of if you will stay together so much as it will be when she will leave you again. Every time you do that, the quality of the relationship will decrease, the next breakup will hurt more, and moving on will become more difficult. So get that sh*t out of your head right now.

 

Work on moving on. Eat healthier, start working out, go out of the house to do things. I highly suggest martial arts and yoga as they complement each other well. Martial arts will help get the frustration out and make you more confident. Yoga will sooth your body and your soul and help you harness and amplify your energy. Both of them will help you meet people. This will help keep your mind off of your ex. Keep talk about her to a minimum. One time is enough. Really. I mean this. Really. You will understand why in the yoga class. Also If you don't have a job, get one and put some money in your pocket. Treat yourself to some cool sh*t. Everything will fall into place and you'll meet your next ex-girlfriend soon enough.

 

By the way, my girlfriend left me for a good friend of mine. They had sex in a week also. I punched him and then harbored resentment for easily a year like a little b*tch. I chased whiskey with whiskey and got f*cked up on drugs 4 times a week. This is a low estimate. I walked around like Toby McGuire in Spiderman 3 and was an angsty sh*thead to everyone in my life. They were actually good for each other and I'm pretty sure are still going strong almost a decade later. We aren't very close, something about punching guy didnt sit well with them. They're pretty cool people too.

 

She's in the past now. Let her stay there. Do good things for yourself. You will get past this and one day you will look back on this breakup with a smile and gratitude that she left you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Since she was the one who had a crush on me before we started going out together I think she indeed was into me. For me everything actually started out as just a casual fling and I didn't wanted to get in a relationship with anyone, but yeah things turned out differently.

 

Yes, she was. At one point. But those feelings evidently didn't last, or you two wouldn't have three break-ups behind you now. A crush doesn't always last forever or strengthen as time goes on. Especially when we're very young and haven't had much life experience, relationships sometimes start off strong and lose their appeal after the honeymoon phase is over.

 

Taking how someone was at the beginning of a relationship is not an accurate representation of who they are in general, since it's nearly always fun and exciting when it's new. It's what happens after the initial thrills wear off that tells you if the person's feelings are deep enough to make it work over the long term.

[5x5]

I think she indeed was into me.

 

She has evidently changed her mind, three break ups ought to tell you that.

 

At the end of the day it's up to you.

 

If you want to waste your life pining after someone, who doesn't want to be with you. Do press on and waste your life pining.

 

If you don't want to waste your life pining after someone, who doesn't want to be with you. Stop wasting your time on this and let it go.

[Beachead]

It's your first breakup.

 

I was a train wreck after my breakups. I barely ate for weeks. Couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep during the night because my chest ached and I couldn't breathe. It actually felt like I had a 1000 bricks strapped to it. Plus I couldn't stop thinking about my ex or stop checking my phone to see if she messaged me. I loved going to the gym, but I stopped that as well. Slept all day. Lost a lot of weight.

 

I'm not like that now.

 

It would do you well to visit other threads on here to give you some perspective that you are not alone and far from being the only one who is going through this. I've seen 100's of people come on here in the past, just like you, fresh out of a breakup, talking about how the pain they were in. I was one of them once upon a time. The thing you come to realize when you read other peoples experiences are, so many of us go are in the mess together. We feel the same way. Some upon receiving advice were far more stubborn than others but ALL of them, ended up feeling better with time. You can tell when they start posting less and less on here. Eventually, they just stop altogether because they no longer need to vent or seek advice. So, in 6 months, I'm confident you're going to feel different. You might still be hurting, but you won't feel paralyzed like this. In another 6 months, you'll notice more improvements. In 6 more months..even more. Etc.

 

Continue talking it out in your own thread also, write for yourself as well, privately. I can't stress how important doing that is. All the poison needs to leave your mind. Plus, it's information you can look back on when you want to see your progress, or analyze patterns in your thoughts or recall something. So buy a notebook, and free write your thoughts into it. Don't format it. Just write. Then write 2 things your grateful for and 2 things you look forward to during the day. It could be the simplest things. Warm coffee and a warm shower for example.

 

Getting through heartbreak is partly letting your feelings be but also putting strategic work into your healing process. Especially when it comes to your mind.

 

- Beach

Edited May 31, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

 

It's like my heart keeps telling me 'she is the one', 'she is your soulmate', 'you had everything you ever wanted and needed in that girl'.

 

I can vent a lot in this thread and I'm talking constantly with my parents and mates about it as well.

 

It's been 3 weeks since the break up right now, and I haven't heard from her in 8 days now.

 

I'm turning crazy because of the no contact. I'm reading a lot that NC is for yourself and to get better, but I only feel like it's getting worse. I still feel like I have some hope somewhere in my body because she came back 2 times already, and I feel like this hope is keeping me going as well.

 

I really hope I don't ever have to experience this again.

[5x5]

@jospêh your response to all of this is not normal, I urge you to seek some medical/psychiatric help for your own sake.

[Beachead]

I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

 

It's like my heart keeps telling me 'she is the one', 'she is your soulmate', 'you had everything you ever wanted and needed in that girl'.

 

I can vent a lot in this thread and I'm talking constantly with my parents and mates about it as well.

 

It's been 3 weeks since the break up right now, and I haven't heard from her in 8 days now.

 

I'm turning crazy because of the no contact. I'm reading a lot that NC is for yourself and to get better, but I only feel like it's getting worse. I still feel like I have some hope somewhere in my body because she came back 2 times already, and I feel like this hope is keeping me going as well.

 

I really hope I don't ever have to experience this again.

 

Sounds about right to me. You have hope. You're counting your days of NC (Day 8) You're miserable. All normal.

 

And yes, it does get worse before it gets better but not because of NC. It's because as the weeks pile on and you don't hear from her, you're forced to confront the reality, you've been avoiding which is it's likely over. That'll slowly erode your hope. It's paralyzing because hope is what's keeping you connected to her even if she's not around. If you let it go, you let her go and you let all that you thought would be of your future, go. And then you have to rethink your future. You're not prepared to handle that yet because it's scary and painful. It takes time to process and come to accept it. For that reason, those first 6 months are hard work and the toughest but trust me, you will come out of it, completely levelled up, if you don't run from your pain and face it.

 

- Beach

Edited May 31, 2019 by Beachead

[Blanco]

I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

 

It's like my heart keeps telling me 'she is the one', 'she is your soulmate', 'you had everything you ever wanted and needed in that girl'.

 

But she's not. First, there really is no "the one." We all have several people that would could build a happy live with if we met them. This idea that there's only one truly great person for us is total fiction. And even if that were the case, no "the one" would walk out on a relationship three times.

 

I can vent a lot in this thread and I'm talking constantly with my parents and mates about it as well.

 

Vent here as much as you need to, but I'm telling you this for your own good: Stop talking to your friends and family about it. I have been guilty of this in the past, but while it's great to have these support systems in your life during a breakup, they are not therapists. There's only so much they can hear about this before they're rightfully fed up.

 

Talk to a counselor if you feel like you need to talk about it outside of this forum. Continuing to lay these things on your friends and family for weeks or months is unfair to them. And they will reach a point where they won't really care and they just need you to get over it.

 

It's been 3 weeks since the break up right now, and I haven't heard from her in 8 days now.

 

In other words, it's totally fresh.

 

A lot of people who breakup and don't want to can't imagine going even a couple days without talking to that person. But if you hang in there, days turn into weeks, and eventually into years. Like I said before, block her number and this will at least reduce some of the anxiety.

 

I'm turning crazy because of the no contact. I'm reading a lot that NC is for yourself and to get better, but I only feel like it's getting worse. I still feel like I have some hope somewhere in my body because she came back 2 times already, and I feel like this hope is keeping me going as well.

 

That's because you're basically trying to kick a drug. There are studies out there that show the withdraws we feel from a breakup are similar to the withdraws of hard narcotics. Hang in there, but do so while reiterating to yourself that this is over.

[crispytoast]

I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

 

It's like my heart keeps telling me 'she is the one', 'she is your soulmate', 'you had everything you ever wanted and needed in that girl'.

I can vent a lot in this thread and I'm talking constantly with my parents and mates about it as well.

 

It's been 3 weeks since the break up right now, and I haven't heard from her in 8 days now.

 

I'm turning crazy because of the no contact. I'm reading a lot that NC is for yourself and to get better, but I only feel like it's getting worse. I still feel like I have some hope somewhere in my body because she came back 2 times already, and I feel like this hope is keeping me going as well.

 

I really hope I don't ever have to experience this again.

Read my last post. Really lol

 

You haven't heard from her in 8 days because she broke up with you. She isn't your girlfriend. She is getting it on with someone else. She doesn't want to hear from you.

 

And again, my last post. Yeah she got back with you twice, and it makes each breakup harder to grasp. If she gets back with you, which she doesn't want to do, next time she breaks up with you will hurt even more. You'll be telling your mates about how "well she came back 3 times" and they will be sitting there thinking Is he talking about this again? My balls itch. I wonder what I'm going to eat for lunch.

 

Also you will experience this again. Breakups suck.

[The Outlaw]

I get that it hurts, but there's nothing you can do but just watch after yourself. There's no need to hold onto it and let her hurt you some more, feelings aside. Let her go.

[TheFinalWord]

Bro, I say this with all love, talk to your parents about this all you want. But NOT your friends. You're going to drive them nuts. You're going to come across as a depressing person to be around. They've heard it all now and said all they can. Your parents you can talk to because they will love you unconditionally. But not your friends.

 

Plus, by talking about it all the time you're keeping it alive.

 

Your mates need to take you out to the strip club or something. Something that lets you see this woman craps, passes gas, has bad breath, has bad days...she isn't anything that special. Just another human being. You're putting this woman on a pedestal as though she leads some fascinating life or something. What does she do that is so great? I'm not see it.

 

 

What you're feeling is a chemical bond from sex. You're also feeling intense mate guarding, i.e. jealousy, because she's with another guy and there's nothing you can do to stop her from what you see as her ruining a perfect relationship. She doesn't see it that way. She got back with you because of convenience, not love. That's your fantasy, not hers. Women like her need constant male validation and when there's no one else around, she knows you'll take her back and it serves her needs until something new comes along. She's not even good gf material IMO, let alone a soul mate to anyone. You're much better off. Please get out there and find someone better.

Edited May 31, 2019 by TheFinalWord