Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[Beachead]

And what was her reasoning for leaving now?

[jospêh]

And what was her reasoning for leaving now?

 

It was the typical " It's me not you" line. She said she didn't really feel it anymore. But a week earlier she told me she loved me and at a certain point even said 'Hey this is really weird but i genuine feel happy at this point'.

 

What ofcourse resulted in me being even more shocked with what happened.

[stillafool]

She may love you as a friend or like a relative but she isn't in love with you. She has admitted that she isn't physically attracted to you. I know this hurts but you have to accept and process what she said. If she returns it would only be for you help not because she misses, loves and wants you. That part of your relationship is over if it ever was.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

Okay. So when I look at this situation with these added details. I can see it wasn't stable. 3 break ups all on her end, including this breakup. You didn't see this breakup nor her sleeping with someone else coming. It's fair to say, although you think you made her feel a certain way in the relationship and that she worked through her problems, it's evident, she felt otherwise and kept certain things from you (Through no fault of your own). This is how you were caught off guard. I can certainly believe you did your best, but how she felt..only she knows.

 

I see this girl likely coming back but not for the reasons you hope for. It won't be because she loves you. It'll be for all the wrong reasons. Reasons that will lead to you getting your heartbroken again. Right now, you're in shock/denial. I know you're saying the right things on here, but you haven't come to accept them yet. That will take time. You will have to be in NC with her for months. That's when the weight of the breakup will hit you you'll start processing it. Through that, you'll gain clarity about your situation and see it in a different light. Again, this will be a slow process. Be patient with yourself.

 

If you break NC, you'll prolong this process.

 

- Beach

Edited May 23, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

OK, with the additional info, she has lost attraction for you -- and that is not coming back. She may be needy, etc, but she's young and can and will do that with other guys. Yes, she might try to be "only friends" with you and you will waste all that time if you let her. Once a woman loses attraction, she is DONE having sex with you for-ever.

[jospêh]

I've been watching a lot of video's in the meantime and a lot of people say NC will get them back.

 

That the first face after the break up is relief for the dumper and that this takes about 2 weeks. That after this relief the phase comes were they start to miss and really think about their ex, and they probably will reach out.

 

She already contacted me a week ago to see if it was okay for her to attend an event were I was going to be as well. I kept it friendly but told her that it was better not to come.

 

Last saturday she contacted me again to ask if I could send her a festival ticket she already payed so that she could sell it to someone else. I just kept it short and friendly as well and send the ticket over to her.

 

I'm just wondering if this really is NC then?

 

Up until now I haven't heard from her in 5 days, and I'm not planning to initiate any contact.

 

I'm just wondering if this 'theory' that after 2 weeks the missing will begin, will be true since she already as another guy to sleep with and that probably gives her all the attention right now.

[jospêh]

Only a week before breaking up we were telling to each other what we liked about each other.

 

One of the things was that I was a normal guy, so a guy that doesn't do drugs or smoke. A guy who just likes to drink a bit and have fun, but doesn't do anything extreme or illegal.

 

The guy she is now sleeping with is exactly the opposite. He smokes and does drugs almost every weekend.

 

I don't get it

[stillafool]

I would say you are in NC if you just answered 2 questions for her without having a conversation. All you can do now is wait and finish out the 2 weeks and see if what the other forum said is true. We've given our opinions.

[stillafool]

Only a week before breaking up we were telling to each other what we liked about each other.

 

One of the things was that I was a normal guy, so a guy that doesn't do drugs or smoke. A guy who just likes to drink a bit and have fun, but doesn't do anything extreme or illegal.

 

The guy she is now sleeping with is exactly the opposite. He smokes and does drugs almost every weekend.

 

I don't get it

 

Ou O! She's fallen for the bad boy. Don't wait for her.

[Beachead]

You've only been in NC for 5 days then.

 

There is no definitive timeline for when or if these things happen.

She may or may not miss you. She may or may not contact you. It all really depends on how done she was when she ended it with you. It also depends on numerous other factors.

 

Be real careful. There's a lot of bad information and marketing scams out there looking to screw you up. "Get your ex back following these steps!" "30 day NC" "60 day NC" "90 day NC." All a load of crap. These people pray on heartbroken people's hope and lead you on. They may take a few facts to legitimize what it is they're saying and then they pepper it into a bunch of bs to fit their overall agenda.

[jospêh]

The first time she contacted me I thanked her for asking if she could come to that event. She told me she would always care for me.

 

I'm indeed really carefull with what I see online. I'm just constantly looking for advice and tips. Maybe it's even just a way to let time go by.

[ExpatInItaly]

The truth is that if someone genuinely doesn't want to be with you anymore, going No Contact for 2 weeks or 75.3 days isn't going to make any difference.

 

Look, she is really young. And fickle. She has already broken up with you 3 times. This isn't going to be the girl you settle down with. Take the word of those of us who are old enough to have been around this block. It's going to be far better for you to stay away from her and start working on healing.

 

Someday, when you're good and ready, you will meet a woman who is meant for you. This one isn't it.

Edited May 23, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[jospêh]

She just contacted me again saying she won't attend the festival where I send her the ticket for next month. Apparantly she didn't have anyone to go with, so she askesd my sister if she could come with her (Me and my sister won't go together). But my sister declined because she thought it would be kinda weird and because she didn't want to throw me under the bus again.

 

My ex just send me this: 'I hope you have fun on that festival and I hope you now it's with great pain that I sell my ticket because you know how excited I was to go. Note that this is the last time I will cancel an activity for you.'

 

I feel like she just wants to blame now for not finding anyone to go with.

 

I told me sister I couldn't decide from her, and in the end couldn't keep anyone from going to a festival since it's a public place...

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

She told me she would always care for me.

 

She also told you she loved you, and yet here we are.

 

Just words OP. Words passionately proclaimed in the moment by a young, fickle, mind. You'd be wise to take it with a grain of salt.

 

My ex of 2015 told me she loved me. Saw a future, wanted kids etc. Then she went off to med school and it all went out the window and I never saw her again. The ex that came after, said the same things..then 2 weeks later she went back to her ex and married him half a year later. Those were just 2 situations in my life like that. There's plenty more in my deck to draw from.

 

People say a lot of things. What you have to remember is to pay attention to the things they actually do.

Edited May 23, 2019 by Beachead

[Blanco]

One of my favorite comedians has an advice section on his podcast, and when it comes to situations like this, one of his favorite refrains is, "This is not the mother of your future children."

 

It seems impossible to comprehend now, but trust us when we say that years from now, you'll barely think of this girl.

[jospêh]

I just don't get why she would contact me already.

 

The first time was to ask if it was okay to come to my soccer game, which I declined immediately.

 

The second time was to ask for the festival ticket she payed for.

 

And now again after 5 days of no contact she send me a message that she sold her ticket for the festival, and actually seemed quite mad at me because she blames me for not being able to go. (She doesn't have anyone to go with anymore. Even my sister refused because she didn't think it would be okay to do this to me and she doesn't want to take care of my ex for 2 days since she would only know my sister).

 

I don't get why she just doesn't let me move on...

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

Do you recall me saying that even though she's broken up with you, she's not done with you yet? A lot of dumpers may do the breaking up but they still need you to be around in some way to help them transition off of you because sudden cut off is overwhelming.

 

You two have broken up before. In her mind she still thinks you'll be available when she wants..just not intimately. It is your responsibility to look after your well being now and not let her push you around.

 

I hope you didn't respond.

[jospêh]

I did respond to her to clarify that I didn't tell anyone they couldn't go to a festival and that I told my sister as well that I couldn't decide for both of them if they went or not.

 

We didn't start chatting after it, we only sent 2 messages to each other and after her 3rd message I didn't respond anymore

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

Yes, but you two are done. You don't owe her an explanation nor do you need to clarify anything. If she's angry, that's for her and her alone to deal with. She broke up with you remember? She wanted you out of her life, let her have it in it's entirety. As hard as that might be to do, that's how you establish boundaries and preserve your self-respect. Otherwise, she's going to come to realize that contacting you will ALWAYS elicit a response and she'll get quite comfortable knowing you're there in the background whenever she wishes to contact you.

 

Some dumpers may find little ways like this to get you to engage with them..even if it means an argument. They may or may not be aware they're doing it but nonetheless..they're doing it. It's not because they want you back. It's because you provide comfort an familiarity and having you around in some way shape or form allows them to try new things with that emotional security intact. You are the training wheels on their bike while they learn to ride it. Once they're comfortable and confident..you're out.

 

 

- Beach

[stillafool]

I think your sister is wise to not go to the concert with her. It's over and your ex needs to find a new family to hang out with. Let her kick rocks. Stop being so nice to her when she's dumped you for a bad boy. She's shown what she likes. She is trying to keep you warm in case he cheats on her and dumps her; which he will probably do. Then she can run back to her safe place (you) until the next bad boy catches her attention.

[jospêh]

The thought of her being with someone else already and her just replacing me like this just hurts like hell.

 

I really don’t know how to handle this and can’t stop thinking about it. Almost everything I see in my daily life reminds me of her.

 

I’m so bad at this. I want the pain to be over and be able to move on. I’m talking everyone’s ears of and even went to psychologist to talk to but nothing seems to help.

[preraph]

You have to keep going to therapy and get to the underlying root problem of why you can't accept this.

[ExpatInItaly]

You won't feel better for a little bit yet, OP. That's just the plain truth. It won't happen in a few days, or a week. You are still stinging from a very fresh discovery; it will take time to process it. It's the reality of breaking up. Some days you will feel a little better, and some days will be worse. Over time, it tends to even out and the initial sting fades.

 

A psychologist can be a great source of perspective and help you navigate your feelings and learn ways to cope, but they can't make your hurt go away. You need to be realistic in your expectations about that; it will help you make the most of your sessions if you don't give up too soon when you still don't feel great a week or two from now.

 

This is why staying out of contact with her now is going to be so important. Time and space away from her is critical to your healing.

[TheFinalWord]

The pain won't end if you keep talking to her. She said that about the tickets to get a reaction out of you and it worked. I get your desperate to talk to her and you're finding any excuse you can to talk to her.

 

Unless you have kids and have to make arrangements, then talking to her AT ALL is breaking no contact. You haven't even had 1 week of NC.

 

Plus she knows she can just text you and you'll keep responding, so she's not out anything.

 

Every time she breaks up with you, she has sex with someone else. This guy is just a fling and since you are broken up she can justify it in her own mind. Don't think this is the first time, that's why she can go from you to someone else so easy. This is just the first time you found out about it. She gets to have her cake and eat it too because once she gets the hoe out of her system, she can contact you and you take her right back.

 

Man, do you really want to be this woman's door mat? You need to get a little angry here and block her number. You have to finalize this. That's one of the main reasons you can't move on.

Edited May 24, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Beachead]

The thought of her being with someone else already and her just replacing me like this just hurts like hell.

 

I really don’t know how to handle this and can’t stop thinking about it. Almost everything I see in my daily life reminds me of her.

 

I’m so bad at this. I want the pain to be over and be able to move on. I’m talking everyone’s ears of and even went to psychologist to talk to but nothing seems to help.

 

You'll feel like that for awhile. First few months, it'll be intense sadness. Anger toward her, yourself. You'll burn yourself out and have no more tears to release and you will go numb. Then you will recharge and start the cycle of sadness, anger and numbness all over again over and over again. Each time, you will process your situation little by little and gain more clarity.

 

I lost my appetite, lost sleep, stopped going to the gym. Lost motivation. I even lost my job. But then again, I was dealing with a lot of other things on top of it.

 

In that time I talked to a therapist. I journaled my thoughts and feelings in a book, everyday. I wrote down 2 things I was grateful for. I wrote down my goals for life. Around 4-5 months after the breakup, I applied for school again. Spent month 5 to 13 of NC, immersing myself in my studies. I was doing it with a small group of people. We all became close. The bonds and the accomplishments I made in those 8 months really took away the pain of the breakup. I also found out in between that time she got married to her ex. That was a set back, but I pushed forward anyway.

 

By the time I finished school it had been just over a year. I was feeling far more clearer. I was also one step forward in my life. Now it's about 1 year 9 months NC. In fact, just recently, I went on a trip and forgot to think about her that entire week. That was the first time that ever happened since the breakup..which a huge sign of improvement.

 

I don't feel 100% but the pain is nowhere as extreme as it was in those first 6 months.

 

That's how healing from grief works. Your timeline may be different from mine but it'll be slow just as mine is. You loved her.

 

You are on Day 1. That's not to discourage you but to give you perspective and why you shouldn't let her mess with you.

 

- Beach