Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[TheFinalWord]

"Sexual Peak" and "looking better" are not the same thing.

 

Sexual market value; not libido. If you read my full post, the context I gave was clear I thought. .

 

But I remember being 18 lol if anything, the control a man gains with age over his libido (test doesn't decrease until 40, and even then the measurable difference isn't enough to affect desire really until 50), allows him to sync with a woman's libido a lot better (doesn't finish in 5 seconds lol).

 

More on topic, if someone snooped my private messages, I would never talk to them again.

Edited May 21, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[jospêh]

OP, I was on the other end of your situation.

After a relationship of almost 4 years, we ended it. A week after, I had a date and slept with the guy. Never cheated on my ex, never talked to other guys or used dating apps while being in a relationship. When the relationship ended, it was over for me. No grief or nothing... just relief.

I’m not a slut because of what I did, I didn’t do it because I couldn’t face my feelings or whatever... I was free to do whatever the hell I wanted and I did.

She doesn’t owe you anything, so she’s not doing anything to you, and she doesn’t deserve to be hated for doing what she wants.

 

I get that it hurts that she’s moved on so quickly and I can understand how you’re feeling... but it’s OVER!! You need to process your own feelings and forget about her

 

It just feels like she had already forgotten me and all the crazy and heavy things we went through and all of the things I did for her, and this just hurts that much worse. She always told me I meent the world to her and that I was her soulmate. She kept saying she loved me untill the very last day.

 

I know she is free to do what she likes, but it all maken moving on so much harder

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

It's a terrible feeling my friend. Paralyzing. Don't let anyone tell you it shouldn't feel like that. This is someone you invested in for 2 years. Ofcourse you feel betrayed.

 

Her choice to leave wasn't all on you. There were other influential factors contributing to her decision; many which are out of your control. The people she surrounded herself with, her past baggage, the thoughts going on in her head about her life. There wasn't any way for you to stop her from thinking the way she was thinking. All you could do was do the best you could do and hope it was enough. You did your best and she left anyway so that should tell you something: She was always going to leave anyway which means this was meant to be.

 

She showed her colours by the choices she made. It's good that she did. Otherwise you'd still be in a relationship with a girl who'd have been half-committed to you and you wouldn't even know. That would have been far worse..a waste of your life.

 

Take your time

 

- Beach

Edited May 21, 2019 by Beachead

[SophieG]

It just feels like she had already forgotten me and all the crazy and heavy things we went through and all of the things I did for her, and this just hurts that much worse. She always told me I meent the world to her and that I was her soulmate. She kept saying she loved me untill the very last day.

 

Look, people change and feelings change too. I’m only referring to myself but I stayed with my ex until I couldn’t handle it anymore... I gave everything I had until there wasn’t anything left to give. I reached my breaking point and when we split, I felt relief because I was finally going to think of myself and not trying to make someone else happy. Did I forget everything we had in our 4 years? Nope. Was I happy that the shi**y moments were finally done?! Hell yeah. Maybe you didn’t see a problem in your relationship and she did. I don’t know, I wasn’t there nor am I in her head.

YOU have the right the feel the emotions that you are feeling (sadness, anger, betrayal, etc.), but hating her for living her life as she sees fit, that’s uncalled for IMO.

It’s gonna hurt for a while, that’s a given. But focus on one person and one person only... yourself. In due time, you’ll heal and be ready to meet someone new. In the mean time, no more looking through her stuff and don’t try talking to her.

[jospêh]

Look, people change and feelings change too. I’m only referring to myself but I stayed with my ex until I couldn’t handle it anymore... I gave everything I had until there wasn’t anything left to give. I reached my breaking point and when we split, I felt relief because I was finally going to think of myself and not trying to make someone else happy. Did I forget everything we had in our 4 years? Nope. Was I happy that the shi**y moments were finally done?! Hell yeah. Maybe you didn’t see a problem in your relationship and she did. I don’t know, I wasn’t there nor am I in her head.

YOU have the right the feel the emotions that you are feeling (sadness, anger, betrayal, etc.), but hating her for living her life as she sees fit, that’s uncalled for IMO.

It’s gonna hurt for a while, that’s a given. But focus on one person and one person only... yourself. In due time, you’ll heal and be ready to meet someone new. In the mean time, no more looking through her stuff and don’t try talking to her.

 

Did you ever start to miss your ex and have doubts about going back there? I'm just wondering.

 

Concerning the contact, in the past week she messaged me twice and once she told me she will always care for me. This was not easy for me to hear but still.

 

I haven't heard from her in 4 days now. I've got a hard time not sending anything but I know this is not a good idea so I resist to send a message. The problem is that we don't live far from each other (about 2 miles), and we have a lot of shared friends and events where we both will be.

 

SO I now already know I will probably run into her during the following 2 or 3 weeks...

[SophieG]

Did you ever start to miss your ex and have doubts about going back there? I'm just wondering.

 

Nope. At some point I missed having someone to share my life with, the companionship, but not him specifically.

My situation is a little different since he decided to end things and move out, but I had reached that point too. Almost a month later, he decided that he was coming back home. Hell no! After some time apart he realized what he’d lost and wanted to try again, but I was at a different place.

We do have friends in common too, and when I see him, I’m cordial and everything, but that’s it. I don’t share details of my personal life and I don’t have him on social media anymore.

I’ll always care for him and wish him the best, but that’s it. We lived what we had to live, and now I moved on. Hope he did too

[jospêh]

Nope. At some point I missed having someone to share my life with, the companionship, but not him specifically.

My situation is a little different since he decided to end things and move out, but I had reached that point too. Almost a month later, he decided that he was coming back home. Hell no! After some time apart he realized what he’d lost and wanted to try again, but I was at a different place.

We do have friends in common too, and when I see him, I’m cordial and everything, but that’s it. I don’t share details of my personal life and I don’t have him on social media anymore.

I’ll always care for him and wish him the best, but that’s it. We lived what we had to live, and now I moved on. Hope he did too

 

The situation is indeed different since she decided to break up with me. I don't think its healthy for me to still keep holding on a bit but I can't help it.

 

A part of me hopes she will regret her decision in the future, regardless of that I would want her back or not at that point.

 

I hope I get over it soon enough because feeling like this is hell...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I hope I get over it soon enough because feeling like this is hell...

 

We understand. 99.9% of us have been through it, and most of us more than once. It sucks, and there's just no way around it. You have to go through it .

 

After my divorce, I remember saying exactly what you have said...."how could he have moved on so fast?" It makes you feel like you were not worth anything to them. It really hurts . But, time really does lessen the pain of these wounds, I promise.

 

Hang in there!

[stillafool]

You're honestly telling me, women look better at age 45 than they do at 20? I need to see some evidence of that...

 

If you had said "are the most sexually attractive at 20" I would have let it slide because that would be your opinion; but facts are facts. Also some younger men can do it all day. Younger will always have the advantage.

[SophieG]

I understand it’s hell, and I truly sympathize with you. But if she changes her mind, why would you take her back? She rejected you, decided that she wanted out instead of working on the issue. I’ve seen very very few success rate of getting back together after a breakup.. it usually ends up in more heartbreak.

My advice, don’t get back together with her if she comes back.

[elaine567]

My advice, don’t get back together with her if she comes back.

Agreed.

Not only will you still have the issues that split you up in the first place but you will also have to get over her dumping you and then sleeping with another guy.

You cannot reset time. You cannot get back to the idyllic time before the split. Things have changed forever.

[TheFinalWord]

If you had said "are the most sexually attractive at 20" I would have let it slide because that would be your opinion; but facts are facts. Also some younger men can do it all day. Younger will always have the advantage.

 

You would have "let it slide", like you're the police around here? You didn't read my post. That's not my fault. Younger men do not always have the advantage. When was the last time you saw a 20 year old man win "sexiest man of the year"?

 

This matters to OP, because women are hypergamous. It helps him to understand how she can fall in and out of love so quickly during her peak sexual market value years.

 

OP, my original posts still stand.

[TheFinalWord]

Did you ever start to miss your ex and have doubts about going back there? I'm just wondering.

 

OP, about 50% of those that end up co-habitating or getting married, had a break up and reconciled at some point...

 

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407513501987

 

Given previous research on the risks associated with cycling in young adult dating relationships, the present study examines the frequency with which cyclical dating relationships (relationships that end and renew) persist into cohabitation and marriage, the characteristics of these relationships, and the constraints associated with cycling during these stages using a nationally representative sample of cohabiting (n = 323) and married (n = 752) couples. Using retrospective accounts, results suggest that over one-third of cohabiters and one-fifth of spouses have experienced a breakup and renewal in their current relationship. Additionally, partners who have experienced cycling are at greater risk for further cycling and experiencing greater constraints to permanently ending the relationship, greater uncertainty in their relationship’s future, and lower satisfaction.

 

Reconciliation basically comes down to confidence the person changed and normally that confidence seems to be mediated by whether or not the individuals liked one another (satisfaction). Reconciliation is damaged when there is a breach of trust.

 

https://journals.sagepub.com/stoken/default+domain/rSnPjUjJKhefxXSuwIJt/full

 

The present research examined the subjective experience of deciding whether or not to end a romantic relationship. In Study 1, open-ended reasons for wanting to stay in a relationship versus leave were provided by three samples and categorized by trained coders, resulting in 27 distinct reasons for wanting to stay (e.g., emotional intimacy, investment) and 23 reasons for wanting to leave (e.g., conflict, breach of trust). In Study 2, we examined endorsement of specific stay/leave reasons among participants currently contemplating either a breakup or a divorce. Most stay and leave reasons mapped onto global ratings of satisfaction and commitment. Attachment anxiety was associated with stronger endorsement of many reasons for wanting to both stay and leave. Further, many participants were simultaneously motivated to both stay in their relationships and leave, suggesting that ambivalence is a common experience for those who are thinking about ending their relationships.

 

With that being said, I still think the red pill applies here. She is going to continue trying to optimize her hypergamy. She also has mental disorders. I agree with the others, that even if she came back, I don't think you should take her. She has way too many issues to make for a LTR.

Edited May 21, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[preraph]

Final Word, women aren't at their sexual peak in their 20s. They may be at their most sexually appealing, but their sex drive is higher in their 40s. Right when men lose interest in them. Men's sexual peak is 19 and early 20s, but that's also not when they're most desireable to women. It's just when they're horniest.

[TheFinalWord]

Final Word, women aren't at their sexual peak in their 20s. They may be at their most sexually appealing, but their sex drive is higher in their 40s. Right when men lose interest in them. Men's sexual peak is 19 and early 20s, but that's also not when they're most desireable to women. It's just when they're horniest.

 

I give up lol You guys, I am talking about sexual MARKET value peak, i.e. when women are able to attract the most amount of men. NOT libido. Women's SMV is between 18-24. Men are primarily attracted to women based on their looks. Women are attracted to looks AND a man's resources. Women have two sexual strategies: masculine features (indicates high testosterone) and the most provisions to care for her children. That's just hardwired into women's biology. Before the era of birth control, from an evolutionary perspective, a man had to be able to provide for the woman and protect her while she was basically immobile for 9 months. A male just having superior genetics (a man's genetics, what we call good looks in a man, are correlated with testosterone: square jaw, hunters eyes, muscular build) wasn't enough for survival of the woman and her offspring. Women's menstrual cycles are even cued to this. During the folicular stage, women are more attracted to men with masculine facial features, whereas during the luteal phase, women are attracted to men with feminine features. Women have TWO sexual strategies, whereas men have ONE. So there are differneces in age ranges for SMV.

 

Hormones and brain activity: Kinsey Institute study sheds light on facial preferences

 

Previous studies have shown that women's sexual preference for facial characteristics vary depending on their menstrual phase. These fluctuating preferences are thought to reflect evolutionarily founded changes in women's reproductive priorities. Around the time of ovulation women prefer more masculinized faces -- faces with features that indicate high levels of testosterone. These facial cues predict high genetic quality in the male because only such males can afford the immune-compromising effects of testosterone. Testosterone may be costly for the males' mates as well because high testosterone levels also are associated with high rates of offspring abandonment.

 

Men weren't the primary caregivers of children during the hunter gatherer era. They sought provisions and provided protection. Men's sexual strategy evolved to be attracted to youth because it indicates fertility and health (child mortality was a major problem). So men's sexual strategy is different.

 

Men's sexual market value peak is around age 35. Men's SMV is not just based on looks, but also their capacity to provide (in today's society that means make money); status also matters. I know that's not popular, but status and resources increase a man's sexual value. Men aren't at their resource peak at age 20. Most of them don't own anything but a used car. By age 35, most men that have made something of themselves throughout their 20s and 30s are making 6-figures, own their own home, and have investments. If women only had one sexual strategy like men, men and women's SMV would be the same, but they don't...although, today women don't need men for protection and resources. That's one of the main reasons there are so many struggles in today's dating world. Our biology hasn't caught up with our sociology. Anecdotally in the dating forums, you'll often hear women say they can't date a man unless he has a great career, high education, etc. He has to be at least equal to her from a resourse perspective. Men, never care about these things and they don't even think about that stuff when considering a woman to date. Real world hypergamy in action lol I hope what I'm trying to say makes sense now...

 

My only reasons to pointing this all out to OP was to help him understand how a women in her peak SMV years can fall in and out of love so easily. OP, during hunter gatherer era, men often died while seeking provisions. Women had to evolve the capacity to seek out a new mate to care for her offspring. They have this ability, combined with their hypergamous nature. PM me for more if interested...only trying to help you understand the psychology.

Edited May 21, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[jospêh]

The next problem I'll be having is that even though we are in NC, or at least I don't want to contact her, I know that I will see her again soon.

 

If it's not this weekend, it will 100% be the weekend after that because there is an event where we both have to be. I have no single clue on how to behave and if I should talk to her or not.

 

One thing that was going through my mind is that if she comes to talk to me if I should ask for things that went wrong in our relationship according to her. Not so that I can improve myself and get her back, but that if there were any problems concerning me, that I can take them head on and work on myself for a future person I will hopefully meet.

 

I'm a very friendly guy and we never ever argued where we wouldn't talk to each other, even for a day. So I would try to still be friendly even though it might tear me apart on the inside.

 

Any thoughts?

[TheFinalWord]

You should NOT go.

 

No, you should NOT talk to her.

 

If you have to say "hi" to be cordial if you're in a group setting, that is okay. But absolutely do not try to corner her or talk to her one on one.

 

I don't think you should even go because you're not in a healthy place right now.

 

 

DO NOT ask her for ANY advice. My friend, please don't do this to yourself. All of these are round about ways of trying to gauge your chances of getting her back. Don't do this to yourself. We can give you advice if that's what you need. Don't ask her. You're going to make all of this even worse if you do.

[preraph]

What event that you both have to be at? Ever heard of calling in sick? IMO, you're hanging your hopes on reconciling at this event, very foolishly. You should not see her and you should not speak to her, so you should not go to this event.

[preraph]

Go and you're going to end up having a meltdown and leave humiliated no matter what happens. And the worst thing that could happen is she is civil to you because she's at a public function and feels she has to be, and then you live on that hope and nothing more for the next five years.

[TheFinalWord]

preraph is 100% correct.

 

 

 

OP, those of us posting here have read over probably hundreds of case studies of these break ups. What we are telling you is based on seeing the same types of patterns play out over and over.

 

 

 

Going at all is a bad idea.

 

 

 

Conversing with her is an even worse idea.

 

 

 

Conversing with a woman that dumped you, had sex with another guy in a week, which you found out by snooping her social media, about how you can improve for your next relationship is literally the worst thing you can do.

[preraph]

I can't think of anything that would make you look more weak and pathetic than trying to improve yourself to someone who dumped you and is with another guy. You have to understand this will diminish you in her eyes, not elevate you. She will lose the rest of her respect she had for you. Please let go and maintain some dignity or that is what you will feel sick about in the future, time wasted and losing your dignity.

[Beachead]

If it's not this weekend, it will 100% be the weekend after that because there is an event where we both have to be. I have no single clue on how to behave and if I should talk to her or not.

 

Is there anyway, you can avoid the event? This is going to be a very insincere interaction between you two. Nothing but awkward for the both of you no matter how hard you try not to make it so. In addition, it'll end up giving you something new to dwell on which you will, because you're heartbroken and you have hope that you will reconcile. This will set you back and likely make you want to text her and that may lead to more problems. The break up is too fresh right now. Even if this was 6 months down the road, I'd still advise you not to go. 1 year minimum on your own in NC is what you're looking at to be somewhat ready to handle seeing her without it drastically affecting your life. NC is what you need at this moment.

 

If there's no way for you to avoid this, then I advise you not to bring up the past or the relationship at all and no, do not bow down to her and ask her how you can improve. Hold your resolve and stay composed. Smile, be polite. Ask her how she's been. Talk about neutral things that you have in common. Work, school. Sports. Things you know she does in her life that she is passionate about. Maybe she might have a hobby to talk about. Focus on those things.

 

In my opinion, you should not go to this event.

 

- Beach

Edited May 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Blanco]

One thing that was going through my mind is that if she comes to talk to me if I should ask for things that went wrong in our relationship according to her. Not so that I can improve myself and get her back, but that if there were any problems concerning me, that I can take them head on and work on myself for a future person I will hopefully meet.

 

Eh, anyone with self awareness can probably deduce what their role in the relationship's demise was, even if the other person never verbalized it. You say you don't want to know for the purpose of "fixing" that problem in the hopes of winning her back, but c'mon, we know that's not really true. We've all been there.

 

As tempting as it is, there should be no discussions about the relationship or what went wrong.

[ItsMeYo]

Going at all is a bad idea. <--- read this

 

 

 

Conversing with her is an even worse idea. <-- Understand this.

 

 

 

Conversing with a woman that dumped you, had sex with another guy in a week, which you found out by snooping her social media, about how you can improve for your next relationship is literally the worst thing you can do. <-- TAKE THIS TO HEART. DON'T DO IT.

 

There's nothing I can say that Final Word didn't say already.

 

Please stop talking to her. Stop finding ways and scenarios where it will happen. Stop tagging along to events she will attend. Stop letting her determine your self-esteem.

 

Dude, please... Just stop for a minute. The damage is done: she's banged someone else, the relationship is over, you're hurt. The one friend you have right now is TIME.

 

I hope you don't have to learn all this the hard way. Take some time to examine the lessons you've already been taught, before you start studying somewhere else.

 

CLOSURE IS A MIRAGE. The closer it seems, the farther away it becomes. She has no advice for you.

[Beachead]

Exactly what the others said.

 

This woman wasn't invested. You gave her the best you had to give and she took a long hard look and decided "Not for me. I can do better." Cut and ran and screwed someone else, instead of working on the problems you two had, together.

 

...this is the love of your life? The one? Your separation anxiety is distorting the way you are seeing her which is the way you wished she would be..not who she actually is...she's not all that.

 

Don't go bowing down to her, asking her how you can improve. You'll disrespect and devalue yourself.

Edited May 21, 2019 by Beachead