Ex girlfriend had sex with another guy after less than a week

[jospêh]

Ok I'm convinced I shouldn't go asking her anything to improve myself. If there is someone who has to improve it's her. When we broke up before this break up and we got back together, she told me she has a really hard time to be alone. I'm guessing that this is what she is doing as well.

 

I'm starting to see more and more that she just doesn't deserve. That I've done everything in my power to make her happy and that it still wasn't enough.

 

On the other hand I'm getting the feeling that she might start to miss me again in the long term. When there is no one else around, and she goes back to being in a dark place, which I'm convinced about that will happen again since she is not handling any of her psychological problems at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, do not try to engage in a relationship talk at this event. It's neither the time nor the place.

 

Might she miss you later on? It's possible, yes, but it's not a given. Sometimes relationships really do end for good, particularly when the folks involved are still very young and dating around. Only speaking for myself, but I have never returned to an ex. I don't have hard feelings, but the relationships ended because it truly was time to move on and I no longer wanted to be with these men.

 

It's not fun, but it's a fact of growing up and dating. The people we date in early adulthood are generally not the ones we wind up with forever.

[TheFinalWord]

You should really not even go. But definitely don't talk to her. You're just setting yourself up to get hurt.

 

She might come back for attention, more likely she'd drop breadcrumbs, which is even worse. But with her age, it's less likely and I think you should not even want her back. Yeah, you might miss her, but do you really want to build something with her? Eventually it would come out that you know about the sex and it's just going to set off another fight and nasty break up.

 

Then you have to start ALL over again with healing. Instead, focus on healing. You can do a lot better than her. Don't get stuck on someone that is not LTR material. People waste years of their life pining after someone that isn't worth it at all. Then they still don't end up with them.

[elaine567]

On the other hand I'm getting the feeling that she might start to miss me again in the long term. When there is no one else around, and she goes back to being in a dark place, which I'm convinced about that will happen again since she is not handling any of her psychological problems at all.

 

We all do that, our ego does not like to think we have been rejected, so we make up stories in our head about them missing us, about them having a hard time alone, about them regretting the split, about them coming back cap in hand "Please take me back", about "Karma" getting them, but it doesn't usually work out like that.

She is not some 45yo mother who feels she has to return for her kid's sake, she is a young woman and the world is her oyster.

Leave her alone.

Stay away for your own good.

[Caauug]

I really do feel for you, I am so sorry. you are having a hard time and questioning yourself. You are on the defence, as you should be to look after yourself.

 

 

NC is NC, do not show at event. This is best.

 

 

If you MUST show at event, (this is not a want), still NC with her.... Remember you are #1, look after yourself.

 

 

If she hunts you down for contact..... Go on the offence, quickly embrace her in a hug, only whisper "Hi" in her ear, go arms length, look deep into her eyes and turn around and run (walk quickly ignoring anything said to you) all within 5 seconds or so, and never ever look back. Only give her the bread crumbs she is willing to give you, nothing more. Focus on #1, you and "Ditch that B1tch" like she ditched you!

[stillafool]

On the other hand I'm getting the feeling that she might start to miss me again in the long term. When there is no one else around, and she goes back to being in a dark place, which I'm convinced about that will happen again since she is not handling any of her psychological problems at all.

 

Please don't get your hopes up that she will be back because more than likely when she leaves this relationship it will be because she has moved on to someone new. She's young and there are many men out there. You should be moved on to a new woman by then anyway. People rarely go backwards.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

You would have "let it slide", like you're the police around here? You didn't read my post. That's not my fault. Younger men do not always have the advantage. When was the last time you saw a 20 year old man win "sexiest man of the year"?

 

 

That's a good point. Who makes those decisions - probably men. I never agree with their choice of "sexiest man of the year". I remember when Sean Connery was chosen like 6 times while he was old as dirt. Idris Elba does nothing for me either (I think he was the last one). Why are they all older men as if women only like old guys.

[elaine567]

That's a good point....

 

Agreed, all these old guys we are supposed to be drooling over...

Um no.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beachead]

Ok I'm convinced I shouldn't go asking her anything to improve myself. If there is someone who has to improve it's her. When we broke up before this break up and we got back together, she told me she has a really hard time to be alone. I'm guessing that this is what she is doing as well.

 

So she's done this before?

 

No wonder she did what she did.

 

- Beach

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jospêh]

So she's done this before?

 

No, when we broke up before she didn’t do this. We kept contact and after a 4 days we got back together.

 

But she may have gotten together with me again because she can’t be alone. I don’t really know anymore at this point.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I see so many times on this site people wanting reasons for someone breaking up with them.....they need details about the "why" as if somehow that will make the situation better. In reality, I think it's so they can either A. rebut the reason and make the dumper see the error of their ways or B. fix the issue and get the dumper back.

 

Neither works. And sometimes (often) there isn't a specific reason.....something the dumpee did wrong. It just IS. Feelings were lost through no fault of anyone. The quickest way to get over someone is to just accept this and try to put the person out of your mind without analyzing it to death. It wasn't meant to be.

[preraph]

She doesn't see you as the keeper. You can't change that. I don't know why you'd find it acceptable if she DID come back because she doesn't like to be alone. That's not love. That's neediness.

[Beachead]

No, when we broke up before she didn’t do this. We kept contact and after a 4 days we got back together.

 

But she may have gotten together with me again because she can’t be alone. I don’t really know anymore at this point.

 

That's my point OP. She's left you before. She came back not out of love for you, but because she's afraid to be alone...her words. That tells me her fear of being alone TRUMPS her ability to make clear rational decisions.

 

And now it is far more evident to me that she avoids her internal problems by distracting herself in relationships or temporary flings. Someone who is hates being alone will not leave the ONE thing that brings her the opposite (Comfort and familiarity in a sure thing with you), UNLESS she's sure she can get it from someone else. It's just counterintuitive with respect to her fears, and that's why I stand by my original point that she was likely talking to someone before she ended it with you and that someone was the person she ended up sleeping with.

 

Moreover, when people don't deal with what's going on inside, they don't grow because they have absolutely no idea what their issues are and therefore, have never thought about how to fix them. Makes them mature slowly..if at all. So, if she comes back, she'll likely be the same person with the same demons. You may smile at the hope there..but understand it'll be extremely likely, she'll burn you again. Maybe cheat on you this time. Everytime you take her back, you teach her that she can do what she wants and there won't be any loss. I'm not sure if you want to spend your best years on someone who's only with you until she can find a suitable replacement.

 

My advice is stay in NC and don't go to this thing because it'll screw up your well-being and make it that much harder to move forward.

 

- Beach

Edited May 22, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

Thank you all for your reactions. I don't think I'm the most easy person to reply to.

 

I think I'm just not in the right headspace to make decisions yet. With this I mean even though everything she has done to me, I still love and care for her.

 

A part of me just wants her to stop doing al this and to just face the problems she has with herself. I know it's definetly not my place to tell her this since she can live her own life.

 

The problem is that I've seen what kind of good persons she can be (I've seen the oposite as well now) but a part of me is still clinging on to the good part.

 

I really wish I was one of those persons that could move on in a heartbeat, but that's just not who I am. I feel like I will be struggeling with this whole situation for a long time, and it saddens me.

 

The fact that she is doing all this to me, and to herself as well saddens me even more.

[Beachead]

@jospêh

 

I'm the same way.

 

I was with someone around 2014-2015. We started up knowing she was going to off to med school in a few months. It started off okay and just went downhill and never recovered. I learned that she, like your ex, was someone who didn't deal with her problems. Family issues. Ex boyfriend issues from 2 years prior. She avoided and buried. Whenever I tried to talk to her about something, she just avoided the conversation altogether. I saw how bottling and avoidance manifested itself into her behaviour and her decisions. Her going to med school was more family pressure and her running away from her problems.

 

Because of that, I saw the downfall coming but there wasn't much I could do. I saw her become irritable. Distanced from everyone. We broke up. I stayed in touch with her even after the break up for 2 more years (Which was a mistake) and saw her become more and more depressed until she was saying she didn't want to be in medicine anymore. But we just couldn't be friends because the way she left me was too painful and I never had the space I needed to get over her..so I couldn't let go of my hope and it adversely affected my ability to be a friend to her.

 

It broke my heart because I loved her and I couldn't help but see the good in her despite her treating me badly, which was why I stayed so long. But..in the end, there was nothing I could do for her because this was something she had to sort out on her own. I had told her how I felt and had offered her advice but the rest was up to her. I definitely damaged myself not going NC. Took a long time to recover.

 

That's why I tell you..you won't fix her. You can be a shoulder to lean on. You can make her laugh. You can maybe give her some advice. It'll work for a day. Then the next day, she'll wake up and go right back to the way she is because ultimately her wounds have to be mended by her and her alone.

 

- Beach

Edited May 22, 2019 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

I think I'm just not in the right headspace to make decisions yet. With this I mean even though everything she has done to me, I still love and care for her.

 

Decision about what, exactly?

[stillafool]

I really wish I was one of those persons that could move on in a heartbeat, but that's just not who I am. I feel like I will be struggeling with this whole situation for a long time, and it saddens me.

 

The fact that she is doing all this to me, and to herself as well saddens me even more.

 

What you are going through is normal. It's painful losing someone you love. She isn't doing this to you. Your pain is a result of the break up. She isn't doing anything to herself either except living her young life. Just because you are no longer together doesn't mean that love will fade overnight and it may take a while but you will get over it. It's not about you not letting go because you still love her. It's about accepting that she is gone and now in the arms of another man. I'm sorry if that's painful for you to hear but it's the truth you need to accept. Again, she is young and even after her current bf she will move on to another new guy.

[Highndry]

Decision about what, exactly?

 

 

I wondered the same. There are no decisions anymore, she left him and is with another guy. There's only one option, and that's to move on.

[TheFinalWord]

Hi Joseph, I know you're not in a good head space. Main reason we are advising you don't attend this function. Distance from her is your friend right now. Because even with all her problems and you seeing her potential, there is nothing you can do to help her and you cannot change her. You are broken up so have even less influence on her than you would have when you were together. But even then, you can't do anything to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.

 

The reason we are saying to avoid her is so you can begin healing. There are lots of women out there that don't need to be helped and don't have issues. They don't jump from one guy to the next. You need to heal so you can find one of those women. The truth is, this woman is always going to have problems.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Dude just block her phone and social media. If she tries to pursue friendship tell her you don't want to be friends, and if she doesn't give up after that then you're totally cool telling her you've made your decision and don't want to be her friend because she broke up with you and slept with someone else, which is pretty skanky. Go find someone else, this one is no good for you anymore.

[jospêh]

I was with someone around 2014-2015. We started up knowing she was going to off to med school in a few months. It started off okay and just went downhill and never recovered. I learned that she, like your ex, was someone who didn't deal with her problems. Family issues. Ex boyfriend issues from 2 years prior. She avoided and buried. Whenever I tried to talk to her about something, she just avoided the conversation altogether.

 

I get your situation but this was not ours. My ex had a great problem to talk and deal with her problems alone or with her parents.

 

But when she was with me, she was always completely honest. It always took me a bit of time, but in the end we were always talking about the problems she had and how we could solve them together.

 

I always gave her the feeling she didn't have to go through anything alone and that helped her.

 

So she did talk about and work on her problems, but now that she is alone it's not the case anymore.

 

I know I should just stop caring about everything, but that's the hard part for me. It's only been 12 days since we've broken up so everything is really fresh. I can't get over her that quick even though she seems to be moving on even quicker.

 

With this all in mind I still think she will come back in the future. Just because I know she will be having problems again and then will be thinking about me and how I always helped her taking on the big problems. I'm not saying I will wait for her, I know I need to move on, for myself.

 

I need to forget about my first love and try to live my life even better as when I was with her. I just hope time really heals the wounds, and that time all of the sudden goes a lot faster....

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

With this all in mind I still think she will come back in the future. Just because I know she will be having problems again and then will be thinking about me and how I always helped her taking on the big problems. I'm not saying I will wait for her, I know I need to move on, for myself

 

You might be right that she will come back. However, if the reason she comes back is because you help her with her problems and she doesn't want to be alone, she won't stay back. She will eventually leave again.

 

The basis for successful and long-lasting reconciliation just isn't there, based on what you have described thus far.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

So she did talk about and work on her problems, but now that she is alone it's not the case anymore.

 

How do you know this? This sounds an awful lot like you think you know what is best for her better than she does. Maybe you don't.....

 

With this all in mind I still think she will come back in the future. Just because I know she will be having problems again and then will be thinking about me and how I always helped her taking on the big problems.

 

Do you want to be a boyfriend or a therapist?

[Beachead]

What was her reasoning for breaking up with you the first time. What was her reasoning when she came back to you a week later. What was her reasoning for then ending it with you again the second time?

Edited May 23, 2019 by Beachead

[jospêh]

What was her reasoning for breaking up with you the first time and then the second time?

 

Before we were together and she was still in a relationship with someone else I had a one night stand with her older sister. She knew about this from the start.

 

The first time we broke up it was because she was confused and couldn't let go of the thought that I had been with her sister. She always would think a little bit about it.

 

The second time was 2 months ago. She then told me she wasn't physically attracted to me anymore and needed to be on her own. That she had to work on herself and still needed to discover a lot of things before settling down. That she had fear of commitment.

She then told me the chance was real that she would come back in the future but that I couldn't wait for her. We kept contact and only 4 days later she came back. So we broke up on Sunday and got back together on Thursday. On Friday she went to her psychologist and talked about our relationship and the things we had been through.

 

Her psychologist told her that we seemed to have an extremely good foundation for our relationship and that we should just go with the flow. That we should just enjoy each other.