Marc878 Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 Currently you are living on hopium. That will just keep you where you are. Get out, join a gym, etc. you can't think of 2 things at once. Time and NC are your best 2 friends at this time. If not you will get to learn the hard way 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 When we broke up I told everyone in my family I didn't wrote her of for the future, meaning that I could still see a future with her, if she would be able to go 100% for me. This is pure fantasy, but let's assume for a moment that it was the truth. Would you really want a woman who breaks up with you and goes and screws another guy in less than a week, then comes back to you? The answer is no, because that is extremely skanky and disrespectful. You need to find a quality woman who wants you and you alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 Okay, we need more of the story so we can give you specific advice. How do you know she slept with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jospêh Posted May 20, 2019 Author Share Posted May 20, 2019 Okay, we need more of the story so we can give you specific advice. How do you know she slept with someone? It's in an earlier post. I went on her Facebook profile and read a message she sent to someone saying she slept over at a guys place 4 nights in a row already, so it was starting on wednesday while we only broke up the saturday before. I'm absolutely not proud of going behind her back and snooping around... Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) Oh, so you got into her messages? Yeah, it's not right, but at least now you know. What I recommend is that you just get off all social media for a month. You need to have nothing to do with this woman and you need to remove the temptation of continuing to snoop into her life. It's not going to do any good and you have to tell yourself there is NO going back now. She's burned the bridge and you can never trust her now. Plus, if she has mental health issues where she wants to cut herself, to me that is someone I would want to break up with anyway. Too much to deal with IMHO. You dodged a bullet because getting into a marriage with someone with serious psychological damage is a trainwreck in the making. It's okay to get in with a therapist to give you someone to talk too. In a way, it's going to feel like she cheated because of how quickly it occurred. So, you can look into recovery from a cheating partner. I would advise that you don't even consider reconciliation. I know it's been a long time and it's so painful. But there is no way you can trust her and no way you could marry a woman like this. Edited May 20, 2019 by TheFinalWord Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 We're in NC at this point. This is best now. That includes no more snooping into her messages. It doesn't help you to know the details of her private life, as you're now seeing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jospêh Posted May 20, 2019 Author Share Posted May 20, 2019 Oh, so you got into her messages? Yeah, it's not right, but at least now you know. What I recommend is that you just get off all social media for a month. You need to have nothing to do with this woman and you need to remove the temptation of continuing to snoop into her life. It's not going to do any good and you have to tell yourself there is NO going back now. She's burned the bridge and you can never trust her now. It's okay to get in with a therapist to give you someone to talk to. In a way, it's going to feel like she cheated because of how quickly it occurred. So, you can look into recovery from a cheating partner. I would advise that you don't even consider reconciliation. I know it's been a long time and it's so painful. But there is no way you can trust her and no way you could marry a woman like this. I'm really struggeling with letting her go. I'm almost sure she did not cheat or anything while we were in a relationship but it still hurts like hell that she has moved on so fast. The problem is that at this point when I think about her, I feel sad because of all the nice memories we have will never happen again, and angry because of what she is doing to me. A part of me wants to yell at her but another part of me still loves and cares for her, and still wants us to get back in the future. But only if she is completely honest with me and wants to give it 150%. I feel like she still wants to be young and enjoy life, and experience things since she is only 20 years old, whilst I'm already 24 years old and want to go for the long run... A part of me still thinks she is just rebounding in fear of handeling the break up, but I can never be sure of this ofcourse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jospêh Posted May 20, 2019 Author Share Posted May 20, 2019 I hate the person she is at this point but miss and love the person she was during the relationship. She was so loving and caring for me and this went both ways... Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 What has happened is a classic case of sunken cost fallacy. Imagine you bought a stock for $10,000. Let's say that is maybe 50% of your life savings, so it was a really big investment for you. The stock tanks and you lose out. But, instead of cutting your loses, you feel that you invested so much, that if it makes a turn in the market, with all you invested, you can receive a massive pay off. So you keep investing... This is what you are experiencing. You invested very heavily, emotionally in this woman. When she displayed all kinds of red flags, instead of cutting your loses, you felt that you invested so much if you continue investing, you can get a pay off of this woman's eternal, undying love. In reality, this investment was bad. You are seeing the outcome of continuing to invest in a bad stock. What you have a hard time reconciling is that you invested so much, why aren't you getting the pay off you deserve? By dumping you, it's like the girl declared bankruptcy. You got none of your money back, but then she re-opened up a new company, under a different name ,and another investor scooped up those stocks and you've been left with nothing but an empty sack. The problem for this new person, is she's still a bad investment. Men are particularly susceptible to this type of irrational thinking because we are naturally protectors. Women can also fall into this if they believe they are running out of time to get married and have kids. They'll ride it out with a sub-par guy and then end up divorced. But if we as men fall into this it's we bc believe we can save a woman from her problems and then ride off into the sunset having rescued her. In reality, you can't save someone and a person with severed psychological problems is a bad long-term investment. Cash out now, Don't keep investing emotionally. When those feelings rise, tell yourself what you are feeling is a psychological trick... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 Just saw your other post about her age. Some of this is partially that... From another post I wrote: I know it's easy to let your mind wonder in that direction about the new men she is dating and seeing. But the truth is you never really know. She obviously doesn't have that great of relationship skills. The black pill truth is women are in the peak, sexually, between 20-24. They do have a lot more options than men. Men peak between 30-36 (usually). These same girls blowing you off now, will banging your door down if you focus on your career. If it were me, and I could redo things, I wouldn't even think about a LDR until I was 30. Focus on your career and building yourself up. Generally speaking, women in their 20s are fickle and in an age of unfettered hypergamy are all over the place. Your chances of her committing to you (one exception maybe if you had kids together, which forces people to mature 10x faster), are slim to none. Women in their 20s are at their peak and they are constantly wondering if they can do better (the nature of hypergamy). That's why they "fall out of love" so quick. It's an endless cycle until they hit the epiphany stage and want to cash out of the sexual market place. At that point, the power dynamic swings back in men's favor. But the outcome here has nothing to do with you. It's her nature as a woman in her peak market value coupled with the unfettered hypergamous society we have created. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jospêh Posted May 20, 2019 Author Share Posted May 20, 2019 The anger I felt yesterday now is turning into complete sadness. I really don't know what to do and am still thinking about her. I called to get some professional help as well because I'm not coping. I'm wondering if I should tell her what I know and what I feel... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 I'm wondering if I should tell her what I know and what I feel... No. Do not do this. You had zero right to invade her privacy, and you have no right to speak to her about what you discovered. That was the risk you took when you snooped, and it's your problem to deal with now. Not hers. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 I'm wondering if I should tell her what I know and what I feel... What for? Seriously, what for? She is now your ex. You deal with that fact and you do not contact her again. That is the best way to get over her. Anything else is just torturing yourself. You want her to feel as hurt as you do, but she won't. Most people split up so they can speak to, see, and sleep with others, sooner or later, that is the reality of the situation. Know that and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) Just saw your other post about her age. Some of this is partially that... From another post I wrote: The black pill truth is women are in the peak, sexually, between 20-24. They do have a lot more options than men. Men peak between 30-36 (usually). Sorry Final but women reach their sexual peak somewhere between 30-45 and men reach their's from 18 into their 20s. OP, at 20 she is just starting her life and it's doubtful she will return even if it doesn't work out with this guy. Everyone goes through a first break up and what you are feeling is normal. You just have to ride it out. This is part of becoming an adult, your first heartbreak. You'll be okay and love again. Edited May 20, 2019 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) The anger I felt yesterday now is turning into complete sadness. I really don't know what to do and am still thinking about her. I called to get some professional help as well because I'm not coping. I'm wondering if I should tell her what I know and what I feel... Do not report to her what you read. You are not justified to confront her on what weren't supposed to know in the first place. From here on after, do not snoop again either. For one, it's an invasion of her privacy (A person you love) and secondly, you give yourself more to dwell on which will make your healing 100X more. The more pain there is, the more likely you'll break NC and have a fight with her which will leave you with even more to dwell on. It's a downward spiral. So stop. Right now. Instead, pay attention to what's going on inside you. When someone breaks our heart, they can go from becoming someone we love to a person that exists in life only to make US happy. To save our life. We're in pain and we need them to make it stop. In that web, we lose sight that they too are there own person with their own desires/wants/needs in life. They have their own demons. They have to make their own choices. etc. Although we may have understood that in the relationship and the love was there, it becomes overpowered by weakness, fear, sadness all kinds of things and in this process you stop thinking logically..realistically. This is your heart trying to get her attention. Trying to get her to engage with you because even if you two fight..you'll still get to talk to her. Still have some kind of connection. You hold onto her desperately because the thought of her not being around in your life right now, breaks you. It's a way for you to remain close to her. Understand that you are grieving right now. There are going to be a LOT of different emotions coming your way and it's going to come at you in a cycle. Sadness, Anger, feeling nothing for awhile. Sadness, anger, again nothing etc. Over and ove again. It's going to take time. You need to stay in NC and go through this process without her seeing it. Talk to people on here. Talk to a trusted friend or family member. Anyone but her. She cut you loose and is looking out for herself now. You have to do the same. Conserve your energy for yourself. Stay strong. - Beach Edited May 20, 2019 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 I'm wondering if I should tell her what I know and what I feel... Maybe just ask her to change her FB password so you're not tempted to snoop again. Your NC is only one sided if you're still aware of the intimate details of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 NO, you do not tell her anything or contact her at all. It will only make you look pathetic. She has moved on. She isn't coming back and you need to accept that and move forward. You are just making up scenarios in your head that would mean she didn't just dump you forever. She lost her attraction for you before she even left you. That doesn't come back. She may like you for a sounding board or a friend to tell her woes to, but that's not going to get you anywhere except having a front row seat to her future dating -- and that's why you stop looking at her social media and stop contact so you don't fall into that trap and waste a bunch of time and emotions there. Once women lose attraction and dump you, they are done. Your feelings are your responsibility to deal with now, not hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 OP, glad to hear you're seeking professional help. Not a bad idea during a time like this. Absolutely do not tell her about what you know. It'd be a bad idea even if you'd heard it from someone, but given how you found out, there's no scenario where you don't look pathetic, borderline creepy. I know how devastating this is right now. Just know that the source of your sadness (her) can not also be what alleviates your sadness. Best case scenario is she'll hear you out, feel bad that you're hurt, and that's it. And you might feel better immediately after, but once a few days have passed and you realize you still have lost her, you're going to feel even worse. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 Sorry Final but women reach their sexual peak somewhere between 30-45 and men reach their's from 18 into their 20s. You're honestly telling me, women look better at age 45 than they do at 20? I need to see some evidence of that... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 You're honestly telling me, women look better at age 45 than they do at 20? I need to see some evidence of that... "Sexual Peak" and "looking better" are not the same thing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 You're honestly telling me, women look better at age 45 than they do at 20? I need to see some evidence of that... Sexual peak doesn’t equal attractiveness! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 OP, I was on the other end of your situation. After a relationship of almost 4 years, we ended it. A week after, I had a date and slept with the guy. Never cheated on my ex, never talked to other guys or used dating apps while being in a relationship. When the relationship ended, it was over for me. No grief or nothing... just relief. I’m not a slut because of what I did, I didn’t do it because I couldn’t face my feelings or whatever... I was free to do whatever the hell I wanted and I did. She doesn’t owe you anything, so she’s not doing anything to you, and she doesn’t deserve to be hated for doing what she wants. I get that it hurts that she’s moved on so quickly and I can understand how you’re feeling... but it’s OVER!! You need to process your own feelings and forget about her 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 If you contact her to tell her how you feel, she will rightfully tear shreds off you for spying in her messages, change her password and cut you off. Telling her what you did would only serve to remind her that she did the right thing by moving on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 BTW, my ex went through my iPad when he came to collect his things and had a major fit of rage. I was soooo pissed that 1) He had the nerve to go through my things, ans 2) Gave me **** for things I did AFTER our breakup. So my advice... don’t talk to her, don’t mention anything... just focus on yourself and your healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted May 20, 2019 Share Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) My ex did this to me as well early on in our relationship. We had spent the day together and were showing eachother some pictures on facebook. I logged on using her phone. After that, I gave the phone back and completely forgot to sign off. It was a good day, we had a lot of laughs. Intimate. Dropped her home and I drove back to mine only to get a message from her telling me she basically read a conversation I had with a close friend regarding her. At the time she was still talking to her ex and was causing problems and I had been through a terrible relationship prior. So I was scared. I was also trying to mentally get myself angry so that I wouldn't feel pain. I said a few things. It was very personal. It was private. It wasn't for her. But she read it. Snooped through the whole conversation. Then she read a few other conversations with other people. She ended up crying and accusing me of having issues and saying horrible things about her. So to her because of her stupid actions, it appeared that way. To me, I only confided in that one friend because I just needed someone to talk to to help me sort my head out and figure out how to deal with things. But I was consumed with guilt and confusion for her reading the messages but also I felt like she betrayed my trust. I cared about her and I was falling for her but I wasn't ready to give her access to my accounts just yet. I would have gotten to that point. I would have talked to her about these things as well. But she never came to know that because she went ahead and trampled over my boundaries. Violated my privacy. She had no right. Only a month in and this girl did something like that. It hurt me, it hurt her, it hurt our relationship and nobody won from it. I'm pretty sure it was a huge reason that contributed to us falling apart. 21st century problems. Edited May 20, 2019 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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