This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[Aloha123]

"Kitkat, I believe you've over analyzed the whole split person thing. I dont believe many MM actually give it much thought. Here is the thing, this men usually put on a full court press in the beginning, once they have accomplished their goal (getting a MW in bed) then the scales usually switch sides. It then becomes the MW who is the more active participants in the affair, she is the one keeping it going. At this point all MM has to do is reassure her that she isnt horrible and give her something to keep fighting for ie future together kinda stuff.

Its really not as deep as you think. Men simply are unwilling to give up an easy source of ego boosting and/or sex. And/or because not all MM are actually looking for just sex."

 

Yes, this is 100% consistent with my experience.

[PhoenixRising8]

Kitkat, I believe you've over analyzed the whole split person thing. I dont believe many MM actually give it much thought. Here is the thing, this men usually put on a full court press in the beginning, once they have accomplished their goal (getting a MW in bed) then the scales usually switch sides. It then becomes the MW who is the more active participants in the affair, she is the one keeping it going. At this point all MM has to do is reassure her that she isnt horrible and give her something to keep fighting for ie future together kinda stuff.

Its really not as deep as you think. Men simply are unwilling to give up an easy source of ego boosting and/or sex. And/or because not all MM are actually looking for just sex.

 

I haven't overanalysed. I have been doing a lot of reading about affairs and in the last week have come across some articles by psychologists about different types of affairs. Mine was exit. Based on the descriptions of the types of affairs, he meets the definition of split, conflict avoidant and mid life crisis. Just my way of understanding the situation. It's what we INTJs do.

[Naivewomen]

Again DKT3, u have read from several MM cheaters are are equally confused about their.feelings for the OW. They do have feelings as well and being on here for years you seem to dismiss our fellow MM posters who were in this very same dilemma. Whether its ego boosts, sexual, emotional connection what have you.. men can fall in love as well they r just way better at compartmentalization. The OW is on their minds though, true love probably not!! Limerance and infatuation absolutely. My MM was equally swept away. So the fact that you dismiss them off like it's all OW who become so emotionally dependent. We didnt to that point without the affair partner. Now are women more emotional than a man I believe so.

 

Why do u believe my behavior hasn't changed?? Not sure how you make that comment. Affairs become a sneaky ordeal I am not hiding anything now other than the fact it happened and it's in the past. My behavior toward my spouse has changed dramatically. I am a different person that treated him unkind and without love. I'm still a work in progress but I have also come along way!

[PhoenixRising8]

@DT I can tell you that we started as friends but even whe it turned physical, it was HIM that initiated contact primarily, whether text, call or in person. Just about the entire time, he was finding all sorts of ways to be with me as many days in the week as he could. It was normal to see each other at least 3 times a week and up to 6. And no, we weren't in bed each and every time. Mostly we weren't. We were out hiking, bowling, mini golfing, movies, theatre, having dinner, breakfast or a coffee. He was over installing lighting fixtures and helping with yard work. And he started the discussion about leaving. And he did have several conversations with the family about leaving. So I wasn't perpetuating this in a vacuum. Sorry.

 

And just as a side note, he lives almost an hour's drive away from me and him often coming to mine where he would spend hours with me in addition to th 1.5+ hours of travel time. So yeah, not sure the scales tipped in his favour. Probably also a major contributing factor to why this has been so devastating. He had to put a lot of effort and planning and traveling to see me. No one put a gun to his head. He was just as invested. If it were just sex, I'm pretty sure there are plenty of fish in closer range who he could have scratch his itch when it suited him.

Edited May 28, 2019 by LilKatKat

[elaine567]

And he did have several conversations with the family about leaving.

 

That was actually a genius move and kept you hooked, whilst he then ramped back the fairy tale and attempted to keep his marriage on track and you on the side.

[PhoenixRising8]

That was actually a genius move and kept you hooked, whilst he then ramped back the fairy tale and attempted to keep his marriage on track and you on the side.

 

Seems counterintuitive given he doesn't want to 'wreak havoc' on the family lol. I must have been really worth it

[PhoenixRising8]

Thank for your post Elaine ... truly. Until my facetious response I have been in the midst of much self flagellation. Upon sober second thought, there is more truth to my response than I realized. He did risk a lot for more than a year to spend every possible moment with me. He put a lot of effort in. I was worth it, and I am. It is his own lack of backbone that split us up in the end because I am worth more than being a dirty secret, sitting around waiting for crumbs because that is all he has the intestinal fortitude to provide.

 

Some people come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. I had 5 seasons with him, he served his purpose but the lifetime is not meant to be.

[Bittersweetie]

Naive, you have made progress. However you cannot deny that you are still controlling the narrative in terms of your marriage history: in that your husband does not have the full truth of his situation/past in order to make the best choices for himself. Just something to consider as you work on yourself...

 

Also, in terms of thinking of MM, I do think there is a difference between working through what happened with the MM ["why did I make the choices I did? why did I think he would fix things? What did he do that made me think it was okay?" etc] and pining for the MM ["I miss how he was romantic. I loved that time we went out to dinner. I wish things could've been different for us." etc]. The latter are thoughts that can keep one stuck in the possibilities and hinder healing (and, frankly, keep the A alive in one's head)...the former are thoughts that can lead to understanding and moving forward.

[DKT3]

Of course some of these MM have feelings, honestly they would have to be sociopaths if they didn't. Some are just that. Yet the males ability to compartmentalize is unbelievable to females. When they are with MW/OW they may actually believe some of the stuff they say, but when with the wife those same comments lack meaning. There isnt much suffering there.

 

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, we have a MM here now who struggled a great deal with his feelings for his OW.

 

Just for thinking material 9% of MM actually leave to be with MW/OW, yet most here believe he will at some point during the affair. Trying to make the MM be one of the few doesn't really make your situation actually be one, odds are he is that 91% that is full of it and gaslighting you.

[Amethyst68]

Naive, if you are now arguing on behalf of the MM who post here saying they are emotionally invested in their AP then surely you have to accept the converse is true as well? There are just as many OW/MW who are in their affairs for what they can get out of it and who keep the men hanging on.

 

Think of all the sugar daddy websites where young women pander to older men's egos for material gain, those women certainly manipulate those men to get their material benefits. Similarly there are MW who absolutely are the boss of the affair and keep a right control of when and where they meet. They are in it for the sex, the thrill, etc. There have been examples who have posted on here but not so much recently. In fact there have been a few OM who have posted because their MW won't leave. Then there are those who actively go looking for an affair, think of AM and other specialised 'dating' websites. The MW who join these sites do so for a reason (LLK this is not a dig at you, just a general comment).

 

The truth is there are a myriad of different types of people of both sexes in various types of affairs. Making generalisations doesn't help anyone, it can sometimes create false hope or prevent growth or moving on.

[Naivewomen]

@Amethyst, maybe you should reread my post. I wrote some, several, not ALL that's generalization. I understand and comprehend the various other degrees of affairs. For my affair, I can tell you that we were both first time offenders. He was emotionally and phsycially attached at one point making the withdrawal very difficult for both of us. Many lives were at stake and much to much chaos. The affair is definitely fantasy with a spin or a touch of reality in those stolen moments. Not at all, married and committed love feel. Fleeting and not realistic at all. However, when you are in the thick of things the gut knows it's wrong but it very much feels like an addiction to another. I think its because you know that they r parting and real world kicks in. When my eyes starting opening back up to reality, I realized it could never compare to committed love. I am an all in woman. I dont accept crumbs and once I realized or it felt that way, I walked away. I know exactly what a REAL loving relationship should feel like.

[notmyfinestmoment]

For my affair, I can tell you that we were both first time offenders. He was emotionally and phsycially attached at one point making the withdrawal very difficult for both of us. Many lives were at stake and much to much chaos. The affair is definitely fantasy with a spin or a touch of reality in those stolen moments. Not at all, married and committed love feel. Fleeting and not realistic at all. However, when you are in the thick of things the gut knows it's wrong but it very much feels like an addiction to another. I think its because you know that they r parting and real world kicks in. When my eyes starting opening back up to reality, I realized it could never compare to committed love. I am an all in woman. I dont accept crumbs and once I realized or it felt that way, I walked away. I know exactly what a REAL loving relationship should feel like.

 

 

This is exactly how it felt for me too...every single word! The only difference was he was married, I wasn't. The sad part is that even when we know when it is time to walk away, it still hurts and we still miss them because the feelings were real. Not being a part of each other's life isn't what we want, it is what we need to do, making it even more difficult!

[Naivewomen]

@dazey!! Exactly right!! It had too be done to save families. To save good spouses from extreme pain that's irreversible. I had the same exact scenario as him so I was upset more about the miss then breaking apart families. I never wanted him to leave. Our spouses have the right to the good lives we promised them. I don't regret my affair because I learned so much about life. I needed to grow up and stop feeling so entitled. I will never go back and I have thanked him because he was a life lesson for me..

[Amethyst68]

I hesitated about posting this, it's truly not meant as an attack although you may see it that way.

 

Your last post shows you are still very wayward your thinking. The fact you don't regret your affair means you are nowhere near a safe partner for your husband. You learned so much about life from lying to the one person you swore to love and protect above all others. You withdrew in every way from your life with your BH to share with your xMM and you can actually still say you thanked him for it? Than the one who helped break your marriage?

 

The person you should be thanking is your husband, the person you are making demands of to change to suit you and restore your marriage while he has no idea what broke it. The man you always give the impression as being slightly less than, less than you and less than the MM for definite. You have a long way to go to be a safe partner.

[misspalmy]

Both times i told his wife. she always took him back.

 

She can have the lair:sick:

[pepperbird]

Ok, one last point. I also disagree that still pining for and being emotionally invested in the mm is the equivalent of actively being involved in a relationship with him. You are human.

 

This is the perspective of an ws, and while I am not negating the importance of a ws deciding to end their affair ( and offer them a truly heartfelt congratulations for being strong enough to reach this point), it isn't the whole story. It can't be, and it actually points to a huge chunk of the problem that may have helped to put the ws's feet on the road to an affair.

 

This is just my opinion ( and maybe it's crap) but the whole "I'm going to keep this huge secret to myself" could well be the symptom of a much larger problem. How can someone look at their spouse in the face, day after day after day and never show an inkling that there is a problem? I know some might think their husband or wife will never know, but unless they are somehow able to compartmentalize, it's affecting their spouse.

 

Add to this, that it takes away from the whole notion of what marriage is supposed to be. It's supposed to be a loving partnership of two people who face their troubles together. It becomes "me" and not "we".

 

It's something I just don't understand. So many spouses who wander say that it's because of problems in their marriage. Setting aside whether or that's a valid excuse or not, it just doesn't make any sense to me. How can a bs address problems their spouse is having in their marriage if they don't know about them? It's like asking them to solve a math equation without giving them all the numbers they need.

[pepperbird]

@dazey!! Exactly right!! It had too be done to save families. To save good spouses from extreme pain that's irreversible. I had the same exact scenario as him so I was upset more about the miss then breaking apart families. I never wanted him to leave. Our spouses have the right to the good lives we promised them. I don't regret my affair because I learned so much about life. I needed to grow up and stop feeling so entitled. I will never go back and I have thanked him because he was a life lesson for me..

 

 

but don;t you see, you are taking away from your spouse's good life that you promised him?

 

NW, you do sound like a really lovely lady, and I am getting the impression that your affair isn't really who "you" are at heart. I do agree that you have some growing up to do ( not picking at you, we all have areas we struggle in) and one of these is that you have no right to ask your husband to unknowingly carry the mental weight of your poor decision making.

 

What you have, in effect, asked him to do is carry a huge burden ( and trust me, it weighs a ton) and never know why.

[pepperbird]

Really, it boils down to respect. Even if you don't love your spouse, can you ( general you) at least repsect them enough as a human being to make informed choices about their life?

 

Don't you want that for yourself? If so, then how can you deny your bs the same option?

[heartwhole2]

Really, it boils down to respect. Even if you don't love your spouse, can you ( general you) at least repsect them enough as a human being to make informed choices about their life?

 

Don't you want that for yourself? If so, then how can you deny your bs the same option?

 

I suspect that for many people who cheat, it's hard to imagine what a healthy and thriving relationship really is like. If you have friends with similar morals and perspectives, you may not realize that there are other people out there living authentic, inspiring lives.

 

I read a post by a WW recently where she was explaining how she started lying in childhood. She was saying, "Oh you know, everyone lies about little things like X, Y, Z" and I was thinking, "Huh?" I don't. The people I associate with don't. When I meet someone who says something obviously untrue to me, I think, "OK, so you're that sort of person" and I move on. When my husband was having his affair, he confided in one friend and partially in another. They both said, whoa, bad news, slow down, think about what you're doing. They didn't encourage or condone his actions.

 

My point is simply that if you have grown up in an unhealthy environment with unhealthy coping mechanisms, then you don't have a concept of healthy living. So "better than before" seems to be just that, never mind that lying is still involved. Because everyone else lies, right? But the truth is, no, they don't. If you are OK with lying to others and assume that others could be lying to you, then you will never have authentic trust and intimacy. But this doesn't alarm you because you have no idea what that even looks like.

[elaine567]

How can a bs address problems their spouse is having in their marriage if they don't know about them? It's like asking them to solve a math equation without giving them all the numbers they need.

 

But some problems have nothing to actually do with the bs.

If they are sauntering along minding their own business, thinking maybe they have hit a little rough patch or thinking everything is hunky dory why blow up their world with the nuclear explosion that is a cheating confession.

Being cheated upon can alter a person's whole perception of the world and of themselves.

Trust once gone can be gone forever and they may then cart that baggage into all their next relationships.

Is that really necessary?

Not content to ruin the bs's world, a confession can also mean kids grow up in a broken home.

 

All very well soldiering on and making the best of it after a confession, but maybe some bs's would have been better left in the dark, especially if the ws is sorting out their own life and is determined to make amends.

[BTDT2012]

Both times i told his wife. she always took him back.

 

She can have the lair:sick:

I certainly hope you are truly done with him. Raising 4 children alone can't be easy.

[mark clemson]

The people I associate with don't [lie].

 

Bit of a threadjack here, but I call BS on this. How the heck would you know? If thousands of catholic priests can molest the children of their congregations for decades and it's finally uncovered, what makes you think you have THE magical power of lie detection that so many millions of other people are missing.

 

Apologies, but your friends could be serial killers for all you know. Really they could.

 

End T/J.

[Naivewomen]

@heart whole, I definitely grew up in a very unhealthy environment. My father cheated on my mother repeatedly their entire marriage. As a child, all I remember is their constant fighting . My father ultimately at the end of their marriage walked away from his entire family. He suffered from severe unanswered mental health issues as well. He abandoned all of us. I too had a major childhood trauma that was never dealt with properly. It was swept under the rug. I carried it with me up until this affair. I definitely suffered from a midlife crisis, boredom and a less attentive partner. Not justifying my cheating because I knew better. Mm reminded me so much of my father and I didnt want to let him go in fear of that abandonment. I was mentally screwed up myself, my priorities were completely distorted. After seeing a therapist for over a year, I addressed so many things that were lingering inside of me. I did dig deep while I was expressing my life. Without this affair, I dont think I would have brought up all those things that needed to come forward. I always suppressed and continued moving forward like I had no wounds. I was afraid to admit I was really a broken person all along! With these issues coming to light and addressing them things for me seem healthier. I understand that without the honesty of the affair with my spouse I will carry this. However, we will make it!! I'm committed to a new life with my H. I want a second chance at happiness with the man I married. He was always my best friend I just pushed him away slowly because i thought i needed something different to fix ME. But i needed to fix ME!

[Naivewomen]

@mark Clemson! Exactly right!! No one is free.from sin! Everyone including yourself has lied in your lifetime. My lie maybe larger but no one is free from telling lies @heartehole2. Your own spouse lied and you forgave him. You didnt cut him out of your life. Right?

[Bittersweetie]

You do not regret your affair. In fact, you thanked the MM for the life lessons he gave you.

 

Good grief NW, can you hear how selfish, self-centered, and entitled that sounds?

 

I have changed so much since my affair, and am in a much more authentic place. Do I regret my affair? Heck yeah. I HATE that I made those choices. Choices that hurt others and disrespected everything and everyone that was important to me. Every freaking day I wish I had gotten to this place on a different path.

 

Did I learn life lessons from what has happened? Yes of course. Do I thank MM for them? God no! Those life lessons had nothing to do with MM...they had to do with me and my choices during and after the affair. Those life lessons are from what I learned after digging deep and churning up everything in my life.

 

Reading about your history, the reasoning behind some of your choices are much clearer. I can see why you're doing what you're doing. IME true change in oneself comes from showing humility and vulnerability and frankly I see neither in you. Maybe it will come. Good luck.