FMW Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 I think things are probably fine between you, BUT...... Lean back a bit. Stop trying to nail down a schedule with him. Give him a chance to show you how much he wants to see you, let him be the pursuer. Stop all the texts trying to lock down the dates. If he doesn't plan ahead then arrange time with your friends. I know you want to see him all the time, but show him you aren't always available at a moment's notice. Maybe he's feeling like he's obligated to give you his time and feeling a little anxiety or rebellion about it. Show him you're not going to tie him down and he'll probably feel more comfortable and pursue more time together. Let him WANT to be with you, don't ask for it. 2
angelfire138 Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 I think things are probably fine between you, BUT...... Lean back a bit. Stop trying to nail down a schedule with him. Give him a chance to show you how much he wants to see you, let him be the pursuer. Stop all the texts trying to lock down the dates. If he doesn't plan ahead then arrange time with your friends. I know you want to see him all the time, but show him you aren't always available at a moment's notice. Maybe he's feeling like he's obligated to give you his time and feeling a little anxiety or rebellion about it. Show him you're not going to tie him down and he'll probably feel more comfortable and pursue more time together. Let him WANT to be with you, don't ask for it. Just wanted to step in and say THIS. 100% agree. I'm a planner, but realized that not everyone is. I've definitely had to learn to loosen up on trying to lock down days in advance all the time (unless its needed). Now, when a guy doesn't plan in advance, I'll just plan my own thing. The guy I'm dating now can plan with me a week in advance, but not further out than that. A good friend of mine dated a guy who could never lock down plans / make plans in advance, no matter how much she bugged him to. So she just made plans without him and did her own thing, and when he came around, she'd try to squeeze him in, if she wasn't busy.
losangelena Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 Lexxi, seriously, I think you need to take a deep breath here. I echo what a lot of others have said already. Go make some plans that don’t involve him. Don’t bother telling him what you’re doing. If he asks to see you, tell him you’re busy a time or two. Don’t play games or anything, but legitimately be busy. I think sometimes men don’t like it when their woman is always available. As for wondering why he doesn’t want to spend time with you, well, maybe he doesn’t. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong, but instead of fretting about it, take it as an opportunity to think about the type of partner you really want. Do you want to be with someone who lets you know in a timely fashion when plans change, or no? You’re not at the whim and mercy of any one person, not even your bf. 1
bathtub-row Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 I get what everyone else is saying but I'll just say that my gut instinct is that either this guy just isn't that into you, he's seeing someone else, or he's just not that into relationships in general. I've never had a guy treat me in this way. You're like an after-thought to the rest of his life, and you continue to push and prod and give and bend in subtle ways that end up making you feel unloved and unappreciated, which is why you're constantly analyzing this relationship. If I were you, I'd stop contacting him, stop being available, and cancel dates with him. Let HIM wonder what YOU'RE up to and see if that bugs him in the least. I don't think this guy is ever going to give you the secure feelings of love you're looking for. Ask yourself why you think you don't deserve better. I'm guessing it all started with an absent or emotionally distant father. 3
Simple Logic Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 But assuming you live with your wife, you see each other every single day beside those times. I would like to see my boyfriend more than once a week. It just bothers me that he seems to be totally ok with not even seeing me. So n your world your BF cannot take some man time because he wont see you. Yes, that is unrealistic.
SophieG Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 I think you’re overreacting a bit. He’s aloud to have is own life. You see, I’ve known for a month that I’m going shopping for my friend’s wedding tomorrow and completely forgot to tell my boyfriend (we spend Friday through Sunday together every weekend), so I only told him yesterday. And he told me that his friends just organized a boys night out for tonight... so very last minute. We’re both okay with it, even though it means we’ll probably only see each other on Sunday (or Saturday evening maybe). I get that you usually have the same routine and everything, but life happens sometimes. It might only be him going with a friend and not a fishing trip, but still, he’s looking forward to it, so let him. You should make plans with friends and keep yourself occupied. You life can’t revolve around him
Whodatdog Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 Well he just wrote back saying he just doesn’t want to waste my time on a Friday because given the long work week, he is usually exhausted quite early, and followed it with a Not sure if that’s just an excuse, but he has mentioned something like this a couple of months back to which replied that I never feel that way. That I enjoy my time with him. And I said it again this time. He then replied telling my I was so sweet to say that... I guess tomorrow is out of the question, he doesn’t seem into it. So it looks like I will have to wait until next week to see if he brings up seeing each other then. You have to stop making this all about you. He's TELLING you he's tired by Friday, and needs some time for himself, and you are making it about you needing to see him, no matter what. Give him some space for himself, or he'll take it on his own. 2
damni Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 I get what everyone else is saying but I'll just say that my gut instinct is that either this guy just isn't that into you, he's seeing someone else, or he's just not that into relationships in general. I've never had a guy treat me in this way. You're like an after-thought to the rest of his life, and you continue to push and prod and give and bend in subtle ways that end up making you feel unloved and unappreciated, which is why you're constantly analyzing this relationship. If I were you, I'd stop contacting him, stop being available, and cancel dates with him. Let HIM wonder what YOU'RE up to and see if that bugs him in the least. I don't think this guy is ever going to give you the secure feelings of love you're looking for. Ask yourself why you think you don't deserve better. I'm guessing it all started with an absent or emotionally distant father. I think the same. He seems very "meh" about her. I wonder why your still hanging on OP. You wasted a lot of time with this guy.
Whodatdog Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 Things havent changed from when you first post about him back in Oct. He doesnt communicate much, you want more. Its the same, dont you see a pattern here? He seems perfectly content with the relationship how it is, you want more. This is going to continue until you make a change. At this point, its up to you to either accept how it is, or break up with him and look for something more compatible with you. Truthfully, it doesnt look like you are a big priority to him. Work, kids, fishing buddies...and then you. Are you satisfied with that? 2
Whodatdog Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) Is that a possibility he would even miss me though, given his attitude of not caring whether he even sees me or not? You are exhausting. You dont even give him a chance to miss you. You are making all the plans, you are the one trying to lock down every single day with him. Have you even ONCE backed up and let him come to YOU with an idea on when to meet? Are you so afraid that if you dont chase him down and make all the plans with him, that he woudnt care? And if he didnt, what do you actually have? All I read from you is that you want to see him more, you call him when you want to set up dates. This is pretty one sided. Edited February 22, 2019 by Whodatdog 1
olivetree Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 Lexxi, seriously, I think you need to take a deep breath here. I echo what a lot of others have said already. Go make some plans that don’t involve him. Don’t bother telling him what you’re doing. If he asks to see you, tell him you’re busy a time or two. Don’t play games or anything, but legitimately be busy. I think sometimes men don’t like it when their woman is always available. As for wondering why he doesn’t want to spend time with you, well, maybe he doesn’t. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong, but instead of fretting about it, take it as an opportunity to think about the type of partner you really want. Do you want to be with someone who lets you know in a timely fashion when plans change, or no? You’re not at the whim and mercy of any one person, not even your bf. This. This pretty much sums up everything. Start making your life fuller so you're not always free. And also really assess if this is the kind of relationship you want when you strip away fears of being alone, etc. 1
SophieG Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 Have you even ONCE backed up and let him come to YOU with an idea on when to meet? Are you so afraid that if you dont chase him down and make all the plans with him, that he woudnt care? And if he didnt, what do you actually have? All I read from you is that you want to see him more, you call him when you want to set up dates. This is pretty one sided. I agree with this. My boyfriend is the worst at making plans, so I’m always the one suggesting to meet up. At one point, I stopped because I was tired of always being the one going after him (even though he didn’t care and was always available to see me). After 2 days of not seeing each other, he called and asked me when we were going to see each other, because I didn’t make plans and wondered if I wanted to see him. Do the same. You’ll see if he let’s time pass without initiating anything or if he tries to make plans. That way, you’ll know how much he wants to see you.
Author Lexxi Posted February 22, 2019 Author Posted February 22, 2019 I agree with this. My boyfriend is the worst at making plans, so I’m always the one suggesting to meet up. At one point, I stopped because I was tired of always being the one going after him (even though he didn’t care and was always available to see me). After 2 days of not seeing each other, he called and asked me when we were going to see each other, because I didn’t make plans and wondered if I wanted to see him. Do the same. You’ll see if he let’s time pass without initiating anything or if he tries to make plans. That way, you’ll know how much he wants to see you. I get that, and appreciate all the responses/suggestions, but I think since this is a forum that focuses on relationship problems, etc. I’m not exactly highlighting the good in our relationship, and I’m only complaining about the things that bother me. Yes I do MOST of the initiating. But he does also. Just a couple of days ago, Wednesday, he was in my area and asked me if I wanted to meet him for lunch. So it was nice we were both able to leave work for a bit and spend some time together. I think I jump to it by suggesting the midweek get togethers because we just don’t see each other often, and I believe if we had more flexibility, it would be easier for me to ease up. I tend to focus on what I don’t like about our relationship and what bothers me, but there are good things as well. His communication has improved, although it could still be better, but when we are together it’s amazing. And I can see by the way he acts when he’s with me, the way he treats me, little gestures, how affectionate he is, that he does care for me. I’m hoping this is just a one off... and after the weekend, things will sort of revert back to the way they were. But yes, I will back off a bit and see if he mentions Wed/Thurs, I won’t bring it up.
bathtub-row Posted February 22, 2019 Posted February 22, 2019 No matter what, you need to stop initiating things with him. It tells a guy that you’re desperate and that you don’t trust his judgment. And, FYI, all relationships have good points, even abusive ones. This is how people rationalize staying in bad situations. I still say the guy is way too blasé about you. 2
c1nderella Posted February 24, 2019 Posted February 24, 2019 Ugh, I am so interested in this situation lol i really would like you to keep us updated because i want to know how this is going to end..wether good or bad. I feel for you though because i have anxiety as well. But youre already seeing the guy about 3x a week and seems like hes doing what he can to please you and keep you happy. You are routine driven and when someone changes your routine you feel "off"..and thats ok but you have to remember most guys arent planners and and he might just be getting tired of the routine. He might just need a little bit of time for himself. 2 weeks will go by fast if you dont see him if you keep in contact. Just relax and like everyone is saying let him initiate from now on atleast for a little. Take the weight of the relationship off your shoulders. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Youre not dating anymore so hes not going to "ghost" you. Hes your boyfriend, if hes going to break up with you he will tell you.. and i think if all these changes freaks you out and little things he does or says give you anxtiety he should know. 1
introverted1 Posted March 3, 2019 Posted March 3, 2019 Lexxi, I am female, but I dated a guy who was just like you and, yes, I ended up fast fading because I just couldn't take it any more! Like you, my bf seemed to have little (or no) need to time alone of decompression. He was fine with Friday night dates where I really wanted that night alone, to discharge from the week. It didn't mean I didn't care about him, just that I needed a night home alone, not having to be "on." Like you, my bf could not understand this. He never didn't want to see me, and he told me this. And the underlying accusation was clear: that my need for time alone was masking a dislike of being with him. I tried to explain many times but he could never get it. I liked him a lot, but we could not get past this hurdle. I started to dread his calls and texts, because there was no way to take time for myself without having to soothe him. It was exhausting. Look, you say you see your bf 2-3 times a week. Given that you both work fulltime and have kids, that is a lot! Maybe you don't need any down time, but he does. So fill the time when he needs alone time with friends or hobbies. If you need someone to be glued at the hip, then he is not the guy for you and you should just move on. But if you continue as you are, you are going to strangle this relationship. 1
Author Lexxi Posted March 6, 2019 Author Posted March 6, 2019 There isn’t much to report We did not end up meeting on that’s a Friday. He went fishing that Saturday but called me that evening when he was on his way home. So I did not see him until the Wednesday. He said he wanted to see me, and we saw each other a few times after that. He mentioned this past Monday when we were at dinner, that he had planned another fishing trip, a 3 day one which would be during the weekend we would usually see each other and this time, I took it better. So going on here last time, posting, reading the responses helped me realize this is healthy and that I should not worry much about it. And accept that there will be times when I will only see him one time that week. Because he will still be there. I did not act disappointed, I told him it sounded like a lot of fun and he was happy to talk about their plans of camping, hiking, fishing, etc. I know I’ll likely still have my ups and downs, when I begin to feel anxious and insecure. But before posting on here like a crazy lady, I’ll try to self soothe. I think I’ve just made a big deal out of a lot of things without thinking first that communication styles are different and just to accept it. And realize that even though it’s not ideal for me to only see him once a week every now and then, I’ll still end up seeing him anyway and we have a great time. I’m looking forward to spending this weekend with him, we already have plans. 1
Author Lexxi Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 Hi everyone, just thought instead of posting a new thread, I would just write a little update. And perhaps you can all knock me over the head with some words of wisdom. As I said before, he would sort of pull back, then come back around, rinse and repeat, which has given me an incredible amount of anxiety, yet I’ve developed this codependency and can’t seem to let go. So this is my fault for allowing this to happen. Last time we saw each other was last Saturday/Sunday morning- he stayed the night. Before he left, we made plans for me to come to his place on Wednesday. He started pulling back again, as I shot him a text that day to confirm we were still on. He danced around it saying he wasn’t going to get home until a little later and had not cleaned up the place and was embarrassed. I didn’t get a straight answer until later when I asked again because the plan was for me to pick up some dinner for us, then I had a 50 mile drive. So eventually he canceled. We talked over the phone later that night and he mentioned he wasn’t sure why I would even think he is pulling away. He seemed distracted and I told him I understood he was busy, and that hopefully I would still see him before his camping trip- he planned another trip for next weekend, when we can usually see each other since we don’t have our kids. He mentioned Monday (today)- only other day we can see each other, but honestly I could sense he was reluctant. So fast forward to today. Since last week, he hasn’t mentioned anything about today. We talked for an hour over the phone last night and it still wasn’t mentioned. I’m assuming I’ll see him but again, with me packing my bag to stay over, picking up dinner, driving 50 miles to see him, I needed to confirm if it’s still a go, so I shot him a message an hour ago asking. Nothing yet, but not looking promising. I have to mention though, that last week after the cancellation and just him pulling away, I did straight up ask him if he still would like to be in this relationship with me or if he needs space. I understand guys can’t always just come out and say it. I was being very understanding and told him if this was how he felt, to please just let me know and I would back off. He said he still wants to be with me, that’s he’s just been so stressed with work, family issues, and he’s not happy with his financial situation. I told him I’m sorry he was going through that and to know he always has my support. He told me he appreciates me and then went on to apologize that he was been distant and felt all of his relationships have been affected by what he’s been going through. Thing is, he sounded totally fine last night. Perhaps he’s dealing with it his own way. I do know he’s going to be away from civilization next weekend and likely won’t be reachable, or even want to talk anyone. Hope his trip helps him deal with his stress, and a huge part of me is hoping he is somehow feel better and bounce back. I know his actions are showing he doesn’t want me anymore, it’s just a crappy feeling, and I guess I was hoping he would come out and say it.
SophieG Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 Why wait for him to tell you he doesn’t to be in a relationship with you anymore if the actual relationship isn’t meeting your needs?! Why can’t you take the decision for yourself?! I know it’s easier said then done, but if you’re always guessing and aren’t feeling fulfilled from this relationship, you should move on. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 Lexxi I haven't been following this thread since the first time you posted so my response is based on what you posted today. Unfortunately a lot of men suck at breaking up or telling a girl that they do feel differently even when she asks for a direct answer. They tend to show it by their actions by calling/texting less, seeing you less, and maybe acting stress irritable. Not saying this is how he feels but it's not a good sign If a woman with high self esteem feels like her man doesn't want her anymore she would talk to him about it, but if she still feels after talking that his actions show he doesn't want her or cares less or is distant then she would let him go. If you consistently feel like he doesn't want you after talking to him about it even if he says that's not the case but his actions make you feel that way then you need to let him go. Forget trying to get him to say what you think the truth is. If he told you that's not the case yet you keep asking? That means you think he is lying. So just let him go. keep asking and stating your fears will only make him pull away more anyway. Letting him go will either a) free you of somebody thats ambivalent about you and leave you open for someone who don't make you that way or b) (don't bank on this btw) show him your not playing around with his BS and he get his act together and show you by actions he want you. In my opinion after talking about it that's your best course of action. The alternative action (for those who is too damn scary and stuck on their guy) is to leave him alone and let him initiate contact and plans. On the day of your plans have your things packed but don't contact to confirm. If he doesn't confirm then you just don't go and next time he contact you tell him "honey I get your stressed but it's not okay that you make plans and don't follow through. I could have made plans elsewhere" Give him a warning shot lol. If he does it again you got to Let him go. You need to make a stand when he is being clearly disrespectful and canceling more than once the day of your plans especially having to keep asking him is not okay! In the mean time of not contacting him you need to focus on yourself lexxi. Focus on what makes you happy outside of this guy and build your self esteem. Also you need to consider if you want a boyfriend that makes you feel like he doesn't want you? Being clingy and keep asking only makes him create more distance So you might as well just focus on yourself right now. Your going to feel anxious but don't be all in his face anymore with that. Getting out of his face is your 2nd best chance for him to come back towards you and treat you better with respect or at the least be strong if/when you find out he is on some BS. Now me personally the reason I don't consider this as the best option is because I am not fan of a waiting for a guy to change who shows unfavorable actions after you talked to him about it and I damn sure am not a fan of waiting on him to breakup with you assuming you really feel like his feelings towards has changed. However it's less high value then the first option but still shows high value simply because your not being clingy anymore. Both options is better than what you been doing which is perstering him. Stop that. Unless you want to increase the distance and expedite him breaking up with you in a more hurtful way by shouting "I AM TIRED OF YOU AND DONT WANT YOU ANYMORE". So please whatever you decide to do stop asking and trying to make him answer differently. Decide to accept his answer and stay or believe he is lying and leave. 1
bathtub-row Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 I can’t get over how you basically still chase this guy around. You remind me of a cat chasing a toy mouse around. If a guy continually confused me about whether we were going to be together for the night, I just wouldn’t go over there and let him figure it out. Btw, he sure does a lot of things without you, doesn’t he? And don’t EVER expect a person to be honest with you just because you ask them a direct question. My take on this whole thing is that he doesn’t give a fig about you and is only keeping you around for the convenient sex. He knows you’ll get fed up with him someday but he also knows that you’ll go really far trying to prove how nice and understanding you are. Sheez, Lexxi, how long are you going to put up with this nonsense? As the saying goes, don’t believe what people say, believe what they do. His actions speak volumes and you’d hear it if you’d turn down the volume of BS coming out of his mouth. 5
JuneL Posted March 18, 2019 Posted March 18, 2019 Can you ask him to drive to you so that you don’t have to be kept hanging.
Author Lexxi Posted March 18, 2019 Author Posted March 18, 2019 I can’t get over how you basically still chase this guy around. You remind me of a cat chasing a toy mouse around. If a guy continually confused me about whether we were going to be together for the night, I just wouldn’t go over there and let him figure it out. Btw, he sure does a lot of things without you, doesn’t he? And don’t EVER expect a person to be honest with you just because you ask them a direct question. My take on this whole thing is that he doesn’t give a fig about you and is only keeping you around for the convenient sex. He knows you’ll get fed up with him someday but he also knows that you’ll go really far trying to prove how nice and understanding you are. Sheez, Lexxi, how long are you going to put up with this nonsense? As the saying goes, don’t believe what people say, believe what they do. His actions speak volumes and you’d hear it if you’d turn down the volume of BS coming out of his mouth. You have been so right from the get go, so many of you have been. I honestly wish I could answer that million dollar question... how long am I going to put up with it? I’ve developed that codependency and it’s certainly not healthy. I haven’t been like this in other relationships. But yes, I appreciate you replying to my threads and telling me what’s right in front of me that I just can’t seem to see, or accept. 1
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