A lesson

[brigit87]

Nobody is going to preach that realistic possibility isn't impossible and by that I think I can find an average looking person attractive to me with a great personality, that's what I am looking for.

 

That's a realistic goal. You can find that.

 

In the meantime look at all the successes you do have and find some kind of balance.

[ZA Dater]

Could you not say the same thing to women who don't want to date you?

 

If it's justifiable and understandable for you not to want to date someone for some reason, shouldn't it be similarly justifiable or understandable for someone else to have their own standards?

 

This is the reality of the situation: it seems you can't have what you want, and you don't want what you can (possibly) have. Eventually you'll have to make a decision to compromise or come to a realization about the type of partner you're able to get, make some drastic changes to your life in hopes of being able to get a better one, or accept your fate as it is. As it stands, you appear to have missed the boat on a what you want. So what are you going to do? Are you ever going to take stock and think realistically about the kind of partner who you'd want that would also want you? Because it's probably not a 26 year old doctor/fitness model, at least not right now.

 

 

 

No because as much as it sucks never to get what I like I respect what I like might not like me. As mentioned in the prior reply I can accept being rejected but don't reject me without meeting me. Meet me, don't like me, all is fine by me. At least then I can use your logic and say "ok what can I do better next time" if you aren't meeting people you aren't getting that part.

 

 

The boat part made me laugh, thank you because yes I would agree on that but you know what I can choose to mope or I can try and make something out of it, which WONT be to settle for what I don't want. Fortunately I have people around who I get enormous value from even though I am not their type and wont likely ever be, at least I get some sort of companionship which is more than I had 5 years ago.

 

 

What wants me has zero appeal whatsoever. That being the case I just need to come to terms with the fact I might never get dating right but I might get some good friend zone experiences. Yes, I am sitting on my own every night which isn't nice, in the back of my mind I would want more but when faced with the options "more" doesn't seem that appealing. I look at guys better looking than me and more charismatic, more charming, more light hearted and I see how they struggle and ask my question "is this really worth it".

 

 

I have said it before I have observed guys who are good at this and continually marvel and try to understand why and I think its a purely personality thing, you either have it or you don't. Its the same when I do deals, everyone see the emotion in the deal, I see the facts and the figures, the synergies and the opportunities. Its not me posing for pictures when its done, I am moving onto the next thing.

 

 

People don't "get" me and I probably don't "get" most of them either, friend actually told me to start a blog "dating experiences of a misfit", I sometimes wish I did get them and I wish they did get me. I have had some decent prospects people who gave me the challenge I so love but ultimately there was always something about me or better options for them. I gave up trying to understand this.

 

 

I suppose some of the key to all of this can be found in something I have been loath to share here for fear of judgement and nasty arguments but growing up a had very few friends, my outlet was newspapers, I read as much as I could, my mother was of the rather cold type (not her fault she had severe epilepsy) and while she did care she never had the warm care of other people's moms. Mid teens I suffered a severe family trauma involving a sibling, the result being I had to be super strong which gave me a fairly cold demeanour which made it ever harder to get along. I had perhaps three friends throughout school. The reality is I never really had people around me, I was always a loner of sorts so when I did decide at the age of 22 to try and date it was near impossible and still is really.

 

 

Over the last 5 years I have had ladies around me who do care, they do support, they do give me that companionship I missed growing up, they do critique me, they do tell me when I am being an idiot and they do tell me I have improved. People don't get that on this forum, those people are my motivation.

 

 

I think people always pick up something off about me, no matter what I do I think that will be the case, what I can do and what I have control over is how I react and what I try accomplish, I like going against the odds, I like to try prove people wrong which is why I chase the people I do, because the more difficult the challenge more I want to accomplish it. K, I believe I had a realistic opportunity with her, but simply was not good enough at that moment in time, its one of the very few regrets I have, I could have gotten that to work, it was a realistic prospect but lack of experience, shyness and indecision cost me that.

 

 

There are things I enjoy very much even if when I enjoy them that 'I wish I could share this with someone" feeling is never too far away.

 

 

What gets up my nose is "well you need to accept your level" "well this is your league". You know what, if I had accepted that sort of advice I would not have accomplished half of what I have and I simply refuse to accept anything less than what I think I can realistically attain. One of the things I do is train people with nothing, they believe they are nothing until you make them believe they can be something. When they realise I am rooting for them and actually helping them their whole demeanour changes and its this which I resent most about dating.

 

 

Do I find dating frustrating yes, do I find my lack of success irritating yes, I do find my own inability to get this right irritating yes, yes some of my problems are as a result of how I think, what my approach is and also the decision I made. I wish I could change a lot of this really I do, I wish I could be the guy who can charm, has the charisma but how, I have tried this and its like taking a fish out of water, I am up against guys with more experience and that is one thing I don't have.

[ZA Dater]

I did something different today, friend of mine who dates with a fair degree of success actually asked me about my dating life and it was interesting because for him its about sex, best looking girls and I guess probably because I haven't had that for me its more personality because I am less likely to get the physical side of things.

 

 

Not sure why but I just don't think some casual hook up is the answer for me. He then tried to get to me go out with him and a few models who are in the country for a shoot. Usually I would just say no but this time I qualified that no by explaining I simply don't have the confidence to go.

 

 

Way I see it I may as well try working on myself in much the same way I would work on anything else. Only when I think I am where I want to be will I try. Probably a stupid idea but I have friend zones with some at the moment and honestly the scale of contentedness is pretty well balanced.

 

 

The more I sit and think about it the more I am starting to think the confidence issue is because I have never really had mutual attraction so I don't feel like I can accomplish that.

[Garcon1986]

I would pay money to be asked to go out into the country to go on a shoot with models to work on my confidence. You got that opportunity for free. I would try to go back there and at least work on your confidence even if no girlfriend or sex results.

[ZA Dater]

I would pay money to be asked to go out into the country to go on a shoot with models to work on my confidence. You got that opportunity for free. I would try to go back there and at least work on your confidence even if no girlfriend or sex results.

 

 

 

It sounds fantastic in theory in reality its anything but and this is why. I go and don't fit in, there are always other guys around so I get marginalised, they don't talk to me, I am not fun so they gravitate towards the guys who are fun. The result of this is I think even more poorly of myself and any confidence I had quickly vanishes. And yes I have done similar before.

 

 

For a guy who is fun and has confidence its probably absolute perfection but I just end up feeling even more of a misfit.

 

 

So I'd rather imagine a nice experience than experience a horrid one. At least until I find some confidence from somewhere.

[Garcon1986]

Well you aren't going to earn more confidence by denying yourself the opportunity to go to such events.

[ZA Dater]

Well you aren't going to earn more confidence by denying yourself the opportunity to go to such events.

 

 

 

I can work on myself by not going to events which make me feel even more of a misfit. As it usual I know the outcome before I even go, I have been to enough of these sorts of events to know I don't fit in at all. Besides I know from Tinder I don't have the looks either.

 

 

I'd rather feel good about myself which I don't when I am the least desirable person in the room.

[Garcon1986]

Well we won't have any results by smacking your forehead against the wall by doing the same thing every time.

 

Go to a different event each time and work on your confidence in a different way each time. You've wasted approximately 1576800 minutes (approximately 3 years) on this forum talking about your dating misfortunes.

 

Otherwise, our conversation is just a female rejection assembly line. As many have said before, work on what you can change about yourself, or don't. No in between stuff.

[ZA Dater]

I would pay money to be asked to go out into the country to go on a shoot with models to work on my confidence. You got that opportunity for free. I would try to go back there and at least work on your confidence even if no girlfriend or sex results.

 

 

 

Perhaps what I haven't made clear here is how totally and completely useless I am a dating. I can sit and have a conversation and nothing more. I read these dating advice books and it might as well be a foreign language.

 

 

So yes when I got to these things they expect someone like everyone else who actually knows how to flirt and charm: I don't know how to do those things, my book of tricks is filled with only one: kindness and that's not exactly too helpful.

 

 

Its like walking up to your favourite store and the door is locked, you can stand at the window and look it, admire what you like but ultimately you cant go into the store. Most days for me are like that unless I really focus on something and work towards something.

[ZA Dater]

Well we won't have any results by smacking your forehead against the wall by doing the same thing every time.

 

Go to a different event each time and work on your confidence in a different way each time. You've wasted approximately 1576800 minutes (approximately 3 years) on this forum talking about your dating misfortunes.

 

Otherwise, our conversation is just a female rejection assembly line. As many have said before, work on what you can change about yourself, or don't. No in between stuff.

 

 

 

I'll work on what is possible, models aren't possible. As lovely as the idea is its simply not going to happen. I'd rather each day try and feel better about myself and if no dating or sex happens then so be it, at least I'll feel better than I would sitting at a table being marginalised by models who are only here for two weeks.

 

 

Honestly I don't go out to date anymore, its not like anyone I want actually wants me so its easier to just do what I want to do.

 

 

Seeing a friend zone person tomorrow and that's a lot more interesting and positive to me than sitting in a club with models.

[Garcon1986]

Everyone starts out as being completely useless at everything. Complaining about it is not acceptable.

 

Here's a normal conversation:

 

Hot girl: You are sitting in my seat.

Garcon1986: Oh sorry, I will take the chair next door. Didn't know you were sitting there.

Hot girl: Thank you.

 

Here's a flirting conversation:

 

Hot girl: You are sitting in my seat.

Garcon1986: Aye but I don't see your name on this seat. Thanks for making this seat so warm (as you look into her eyes and smile).

Hot girl: Oh I planned it that way.

 

____________________________

 

Here's a conversation I had with my ex:

 

GF: When are you coming home?

Garcon1986: at 6:30pm. I'm pulling into the driveway.

Knock Knock -

Garcon1986: You look dashing in that shirt.

GF: Oh thank you (I cut her off by making out with her)

Garcon1986: However darling you would look better without that shirt.

 

Can you tell why the last two conversations contain flirty and witty banter and the first one doesn't?

[littleblackheart]

Option 1 - go to that event and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Option 2 - stay in your safe zone, but don't complain.

 

Option 3 - start some form of therapy to get yourself away from under that constant grey cloud that seems to follow you everywhere you go.

 

These are the only 3 options I see.

 

I don't really understand why you are mentally torturing yourself to that extent over situations you have (almost) complete control over.

 

I don't mean to trivialise your issues but unless you are actually doing something about the way you feel about yourself, nothing will change.

[ZA Dater]

Option 1 - go to that event and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Option 2 - stay in your safe zone, but don't complain.

 

Option 3 - start some form of therapy to get yourself away from under that constant grey cloud that seems to follow you everywhere you go.

 

These are the only 3 options I see.

 

I don't really understand why you are mentally torturing yourself to that extent over situations you have (almost) complete control over.

 

I don't mean to trivialise your issues but unless you are actually doing something about the way you feel about yourself, nothing will change.[/quote

 

I am I simply don't put myself in situations where I will feel bad about myself. Each day I try to be less shy in general and try find more confidence. Today I deleted Tinder for good.

 

You are right I do have control, I know they wont be into me so why put myself into the rejection zone.

 

If there was any chance of positive I would have gone.

[ZA Dater]

Everyone starts out as being completely useless at everything. Complaining about it is not acceptable.

 

Here's a normal conversation:

 

Hot girl: You are sitting in my seat.

Garcon1986: Oh sorry, I will take the chair next door. Didn't know you were sitting there.

Hot girl: Thank you.

 

Here's a flirting conversation:

 

Hot girl: You are sitting in my seat.

Garcon1986: Aye but I don't see your name on this seat. Thanks for making this seat so warm (as you look into her eyes and smile).

Hot girl: Oh I planned it that way.

 

____________________________

 

Here's a conversation I had with my ex:

 

GF: When are you coming home?

Garcon1986: at 6:30pm. I'm pulling into the driveway.

Knock Knock -

Garcon1986: You look dashing in that shirt.

GF: Oh thank you (I cut her off by making out with her)

Garcon1986: However darling you would look better without that shirt.

 

Can you tell why the last two conversations contain flirty and witty banter and the first one doesn't?

 

I am terrible at that really I am. I do try, often even put some effort into it but never seems to work if I can't feel confident doing it.

 

See if someone asks me something I just give a to the point answer.

 

In terms of normal conversation I am absolutely conversation one.

 

I am just loath to try anything because everytime I have it just flops so badly. Sitting at home is preferable.

[littleblackheart]

I am I simply don't put myself in situations where I will feel bad about myself. Each day I try to be less shy in general and try find more confidence. Today I deleted Tinder for good.

 

You are right I do have control, I know they wont be into me so why put myself into the rejection zone.

 

If there was any chance of positive I would have gone.

 

Well there is 100% of nothing happening if you don't go... It feels like you have forgotten how to hope.

[Garcon1986]

Have you then thought of:

 

- reading any books on dating for the Aspie community? Any of that stuff resonate with your struggle?

 

- taking conversation courses?

 

You obviously have some social skill based on your description of your work, but it falls flat when an attractive woman is in front of you. Have you tried bantering and trying witty lines with those you are comfortable with?

 

And of course, you still haven't worked on that resting bitch face that you yourself admitted to.

 

Women's attitude towards you are a mirror image of what attitude you project.

[Garcon1986]

Again I have read about 200 000 dating profiles since I started online dating. They all share these things in common:

 

1. I'm looking for a guy who doesn't take himself too seriously.

2. I'm looking for a guy who is a wee bit funny. Bonus points for being very funny.

 

How hard would it be for you to smile to every single person in your daily life?

[guest569]

Again I have read about 200 000 dating profiles since I started online dating. They all share these things in common:

 

1. I'm looking for a guy who doesn't take himself too seriously.

2. I'm looking for a guy who is a wee bit funny. Bonus points for being very funny.

 

How hard would it be for you to smile to every single person in your daily life?

 

Yes but not everyone wants that. I avoid guys who are tooooo funny and don't take themselves seriously. I avoid the guys who say how much they love banter. I think positivity is great but I will get a feel for his sense of humour as we get to know one another. Humour is so subjective and there's no point trying to be funny if you're not being yourself. Having a profile that says who you are without dislikes and negativity is fine.

[elaine567]

Yes the idea of entertaining models on a shoot is like asking someone with Grade one piano to give a piano recital to classical aficionados at some prestigious venue in London.

I agree with ZA Dater he would be out of his depth in this situation and that is not confidence building in the slightest.

[chillii]

Yeah , l think most women trying to meet someone follow latest trends all over the internet as much as some guys do these days and this funny thing is the stupidest thing out of all of it.

lf your old enough to know , no one ever mentioned has to be funny 15 yrs ago .

l've rarely been single my whole life and l've never "tried". to be funny for some chick. Well, maybe when l was 15 yeah.

Having that kind of chemistry with someone is one thing , great, but trying to be something, pretty pathetic really.

Besides, none of the guys l've ever known that can just walk into somewhere and out with a lady 10mins later, not my thing but it's weird to watch, have ever been this funny bs. Matter of fact one in particular is one of the most depressing people l've ever met buttt , women love him, go figure.

[Garcon1986]

ZA Dater have you tried reading any dating advice for Aspies yet? I am of course not giving you a medical diagnosis online but this community shares many of the dating issues you describe.

[ZA Dater]

Well there is 100% of nothing happening if you don't go... It feels like you have forgotten how to hope.

 

Probably or I am tired of being disappointed. Logically they are not on the country long all they want is some fun and how fun is an inexperienced guy going to be? All I'd do is look like an idiot.

 

It's extremely difficult to hope when nothing positive arrives. Spent the morning with K which was nice, again it's friend zone but it's better than any date I have had. I can do banter there which is fun because she gets me but it's also a no pressure harmless situation where I know nothing will come of it.

[ZA Dater]

ZA Dater have you tried reading any dating advice for Aspies yet? I am of course not giving you a medical diagnosis online but this community shares many of the dating issues you describe.

 

No I haven't. I just never meet anyone interested in me so I just don't bother most of the time. Tired of grovelling to try and make people like me.

 

I cannot fathom why a guy should show all the interest all of the time.

[ZA Dater]

Here is a classic case in point. Met someone nice on tinder, chatted to her, made plans to meet up, she cancelled on the day, ok she says we can reschedule. Then she goes quiet, I reach out and I get blocked.

 

Tell me how any of that is my fault? I was only but nice and this has happened twice.

[Garcon1986]

Does K know that you are single and searching, and is she willing to refer girls to you?

No I haven't. I just never meet anyone interested in me so I just don't bother most of the time. Tired of grovelling to try and make people like me.

 

I cannot fathom why a guy should show all the interest all of the time.

 

Seriously you haven't read this stuff because you call it groveling? A community of an entire people can't all be groveling. There is an entire community of thousands, hundreds of thousands of people, who all struggle with dating. While they are different because they actually have a psychological disorder, they all share one thing in common - refusal or failure to interpret social cues in a dating context. Many of them have achieved wild successes by acknowledging their weakness and working around it. You are now discounting advice that you haven't even contemplated yet.

 

When you are further down the road in dating a woman, you are right, you don't have to show all the interest. At the front door you have to be the eager one in today's society.

 

I'm calling you out for failure to try a brand new door that you haven't even tried yet (you said it yourself).

 

And what about smiling to new colleagues and new acquaintances? You can't even do that?