Lucasv Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Your husband seems like a good man, unfortunately he's married with a woman like you Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 So there is definitely some manipulation going on. He's trying so so so hard to change my mind. I give him a few more days of this before he folds. I really hope he keeps it up. He ordered pizza for all of us but didn't get what I normally would have eaten. It's pretty minor, but he's the first to take my wants into consideration. I didn't comment on it, but I know, like last night when he took the girls out for a few hours, that it was a dig at me. But he did tell me when I mentioned once again about the apartment, not to take the apartment, that he'll move in with family so the kids and I don't live in that "dump" as he calls it. He'll pay the rent. I know he would. He's always one to follow through, but it's so frustrating that he just can't take a hint. It's okay that he's still trying to change your mind if that's what he wants; but just keep going forward with your move. Stop concerning yourself with silly things like he didn't get your favorite pizza topping and taking his kids out. You should be happy they are spending time together happily without you. It's unreasonable for you to think he's suppose to still cater to you and put on a happy face. Just continue to make your plans to move and divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 But he did tell me when I mentioned once again about the apartment, not to take the apartment, that he'll move in with family so the kids and I don't live in that "dump" as he calls it. He'll pay the rent. I know he would. But, is that fair to him? You made the decision to leave. If he doesn't have the strength to walk away, it doesn't mean that you can't have the personal integrity to refuse his offer and be financially independent. But hey, it's like the sex... If he's offering, you are willing to take! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 But, is that fair to him? You made the decision to leave. If he doesn't have the strength to walk away, it doesn't mean that you can't have the personal integrity to refuse his offer and be financially independent. But hey, it's like the sex... If he's offering, you are willing to take! I agree with you. OP when do you plan to be independent? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 That is what he said, doesn't mean I said I would take it. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Your husband seems like a good man, unfortunately he's married with a woman like you @Lucasv, That is really helpful... Here is the thing, @Rainbow knows that she has some really big issues, and she has committed to fixing them. She has been straight with her Husband, which if she was not at least starting toward a path of getting herself healthy she would never have done. She has told him that they are getting divorced. Fact of the matter is, her H, bless his heart, is so weak that he would take her back right now. So, honestly, she is working on it, why don't we give her a break... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 Today is one of those days where I ask myself if I'm doing the right thing by turning the wheels. Everyone it seems to think I shouldn't have any feelings, or are surprised that I'm not completely detached. Yes, I slept around, and yes I'm choosing to put this toxic relationship to rest. But that doesn't mean that I don't have feelings for him. One doesn't just be with someone for thirteen years (okay maybe some) and not any feelings. I'm so accustomed to how he is, that any slight change I notice. I know I shouldn't feel hurt and him disengaging from me even in the smallest way shouldn't be surprising. But it does, and it's just something I know I'll have to deal with. Separating our lives and starting over will be hard for everyone, I included. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Clearly you’ve taken him for granted from big things (like raising your affair baby) to small ones (like getting your favorite pizza toppings). Ironically, you might find yourself attracted to him once he stops being a doormat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted June 16, 2018 Share Posted June 16, 2018 (edited) ItThe more he detached the more she will try to draw him in. Her ego can't allow him to not want her or not need her. When he pulls back she gets jealous that her toy isnt behaving the way she secretly wants. She wants yo leave this guy destroyed in her wake. She wants this guy to pine for her. It's so profoundly ****ed that she is jealous he had a one night stand. This is sick. You need help. Let me tell you op you will probably never find a man who loves you so much. You will find hundred and thousands of men willing to ****. But love. Noone will ever love you like he does. Yes this guy doesn't respect himself enough. The problem wasn't his attitude before your affairs. It's his response to them. You decided this guy who loves you 100 percent was just too boring and cheated. And he's too damn attached to do what any self respecting person should have done and give you the boot. Most women would kill for a man so deeply in love. (Not the part where he let's them cheat. Noone respects that.) The picture I'm getting is you want a bad boy. Some one YOU have to win over. You LIKE the chase. You LIKE drama. A man who wants to grow old with you and support you and love you.... That's just boring. You know what the sad part is your going to choose someone who treats you like you treat him OR you will win over their heart and the game will suddenly lose interest and you will make him your second victim. If you keep chasing drama like this your going to end up in a very bad place. You have some FOO issues or something. Go see a IC. The way you treat your husband is horrendous. I really do respect your honesty, but that's about it. Oh I can also respect that you know you need help. And please tell him to get some help too. Nobody with a healthy mind would deal with this like he does. Also she keeps saying this relationship is toxic. I don't believe that's his fault. I think she brings the toxic into the relationship. Also also I am really starting to get troll vibes. I don't usually like to call troll....., but I feel like it might be possible. I'll proceed as if this is real.... for now. Edited June 16, 2018 by Adotta 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 16, 2018 Share Posted June 16, 2018 ItThe more he detached the more she will try to draw him in. Her ego can't allow him to not want her or not need her. When he pulls back she gets jealous that her toy isnt behaving the way she secretly wants. She wants yo leave this guy destroyed in her wake. She wants this guy to pine for her. It's so profoundly ****ed that she is jealous he had a one night stand. This is sick. You need help. Let me tell you op you will probably never find a man who loves you so much. You will find hundred and thousands of men willing to ****. But love. Noone will ever love you like he does. Yes this guy doesn't respect himself enough. The problem wasn't his attitude before your affairs. It's his response to them. You decided this guy who loves you 100 percent was just too boring and cheated. And he's too damn attached to do what any self respecting person should have done and give you the boot. Most women would kill for a man so deeply in love. (Not the part where he let's them cheat. Noone respects that.) The picture I'm getting is you want a bad boy. Some one YOU have to win over. You LIKE the chase. You LIKE drama. A man who wants to grow old with you and support you and love you.... That's just boring. You know what the sad part is your going to choose someone who treats you like you treat him OR you will win over their heart and the game will suddenly lose interest and you will make him your second victim. If you keep chasing drama like this your going to end up in a very bad place. You have some FOO issues or something. Go see a IC. The way you treat your husband is horrendous. I really do respect your honesty, but that's about it. Oh I can also respect that you know you need help. And please tell him to get some help too. Nobody with a healthy mind would deal with this like he does. Also she keeps saying this relationship is toxic. I don't believe that's his fault. I think she brings the toxic into the relationship. Also also I am really starting to get troll vibes. I don't usually like to call troll....., but I feel like it might be possible. I'll proceed as if this is real.... for now. I agree with much of this. When I was younger I had a casual friend who attracted the some of the kindest, loving men and she treated them like crap and moved onto the next, while these really good men would chase her, pine for her, and beg her to come back. I couldn't for the life of me understand how she had so much power over these men. It wasn't her beauty because she was really rather plain and average looking. I was dumbfounded because I was so much more beautiful than her and I was sweet and kind and treated my boyfriends like gold but I was always powerless in my relationships and I got treated like crap. (I realize now that I got treated badly due to my own low self esteem and lousy standards but back then I didn't have that much insight to myself) So I was appalled at how awful this plain Jane girl could treat her men and still have them desire her. I guess they were attracted to her unwavering self confidence, to her drama, and to her crazy. She wasn't rubber room crazy but she was prone to extreme personality shifts and mood changes. She was manipulative, sometimes loving, sometimes cruel beyond belief. She was most likely personality disordered. So after she was twice divorced (husbands who she cheated on like crazy and who still wanted her back) she met this guy who was quite the loser. Jobless alcoholic who treated her much like she treated her past men. Based on what I knew of her I would have thought that she would dump him so fast it would make his head spin. Actually it just made her want him more. She chased him, cried over him, lamented over how he was her true soulmate and she never loved anyone like she loved him. Once again I was dumbfounded but eventually concluded that this woman was driven 100% by her ego. I know she believed she was madly in love but it really was her ego driving the bus and her ego couldn't stand this guys rejection. She had to win him over to satisfy her ego. OP I'm not going to say you were wrong for feeling jealous about your husbands one night stand. That's a normal reaction. Cheaters get jealous too and feelings are neither wrong or right, they just are. However you also got annoyed about the pizza and him taking your daughter to get her nails done. You have hurt him and you want to dump him but at the same time you want him to continue to live his life thinking only of you. Anytime he does anything that shows his independence you feel slighted. Feelings are just feelings and can't be helped but actions are another thing entirely. Stop selfishly having sex with your husband because you have needs. That is cruel. You have to put your ego aside and start acting in a way where your actions match your words. Then you need counselling to help you learn to love yourself instead of relying on men to validate you and give you self worth, otherwise your likely to wind up with creepy men like your affair partners. You have to set your husband free, really free. Not just by divorce but by accepting that he will move on in his life. Let him go. I know he is the one trying to hold on but you are participating by still having sex with him and by still expecting his devotion. Don't yank him around just because your ego is bruised. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tracey86 Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 You need to seek counselling. There must be an underlying reason why you fear security in one relationship. It almost seems as if you just lose interest and start something new and exciting. I suggest you get tested for your sake. Also is your husband interested in an open marriage, both of you free to do whatever. Perhaps that may help. Many may judge but there is so much history in 13years there maybe underlying issues repressed. I wish you well. If there is any hope for your marriage and care for you husband he deserves different. That is assuming he the catch you said he was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 17, 2018 Author Share Posted June 17, 2018 I signed the papers for the one bedroom apartment. I took some money from our savings to pay for it. I'm going to look for some temporary support. Despite all of this, my husband still agreed to help me get the job I really want in the new city with the better pay. I'm going to accept it. I don't want to really take a lower paying job, and rely on spousal support when I am the one that wants out. Today we spent time as a family at his request for Father's day and also received an offer for our house that we just listed, which we accepted. We got slightly more than our asking price and it's someone we both know who was interested in the house when we first bought it because of its charm. I'll officially file for divorce which will be in a different state when we meet all the criteria. In the upcoming weeks, we'll discuss the children. As of right now and in another post I started is the ongoing issue of legal rights to the youngest. He is the legal father right now, and really according to our attorney is in my husband favor that he remains her legal father. If the other man wants to be her legal father, that is the fight he'll have to deal with my soon to be ex-husband. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 Is the other man and his wife even aware that he has a daughter? Good that you got a 2 bedroom apartment. Your husband isn't moving in with you is he? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 17, 2018 Author Share Posted June 17, 2018 (edited) Is the other man and his wife even aware that he has a daughter? Good that you got a 2 bedroom apartment. Your husband isn't moving in with you is he? No, I made that clear and I'm the only one on the lease. He is going to go stay with family unless he finds somewhere else or buys. That is up to him. I am going to file for some temporary spousal support. I hate to do it. The other man and his wife know about the baby. I had a private DNA test which I have the only copy of the results, for the baby. So the other man knows, and his wife knows. My husband met with her. So after some brief harassment (between the other man and I), I haven't had any contact with either of them except to learn that the other man's wife filed for divorce. I'm moving 12 hours away back to our hometown. Edited June 17, 2018 by TheRainbow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 If you want to show some class on your way out you can take it easy on your stbxh and pull your punches in court a bit. You havent exactly been the best wife so maybe you shouldn't get to live off him like a leech after divorce. Of course that's not to say you should martyr yourself. If you're going forward with the objective of being self sufficient if you can, while making sure your children are cared for i could respect that. Not that my respect matters. I think it would be a pretty petty kick in your husband's nuts to leave and take as much money as you can with you when you go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 No, I made that clear and I'm the only one on the lease. He is going to go stay with family unless he finds somewhere else or buys. That is up to him. I am going to file for some temporary spousal support. I hate to do it. The other man and his wife know about the baby. I had a private DNA test which I have the only copy of the results, for the baby. So the other man knows, and his wife knows. My husband met with her. So after some brief harassment (between the other man and I), I haven't had any contact with either of them except to learn that the other man's wife filed for divorce. I'm moving 12 hours away back to our hometown. If you feel so bad about taking money, then don't take it. Get a job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 19, 2018 Author Share Posted June 19, 2018 If you feel so bad about taking money, then don't take it. Get a job. I have a few lined up for interviews. I can't live on nothing, and I don't expect to run him dry. I just need a little bit of support until I can be financially stable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 19, 2018 Author Share Posted June 19, 2018 If you want to show some class on your way out you can take it easy on your stbxh and pull your punches in court a bit. You havent exactly been the best wife so maybe you shouldn't get to live off him like a leech after divorce. What I could get and what I want to ask for are two different things. I could go after half his pension during our marriage, spousal support for up to five years, and all that but I'm not going too. I want some reasonable support for up to six months so I can get established in a job. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 Are you going to have custody of ALL the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 19, 2018 Author Share Posted June 19, 2018 (edited) Are you going to have custody of ALL the kids? For the two kids, we agreed on 50-50 physical and legal custody. I have no desire to take away time from their father as I have a desire to lose time with them. If the other man decides to pursue a paternity suit, then we'll go from there. My husband knows the risks, and even with things in our favour regarding that, he told me not to worry about it. Edited June 19, 2018 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 19, 2018 Author Share Posted June 19, 2018 12 more days. Tonight we tell our eldest daughter about our impending separation. My husband is continuing to try to emotionally distance himself and I see the struggle. I just hope he does unravel once everything is said and done. His last day is the 22nd before he makes his transfer. So we'll be going full force in packing up. I know that week will be the most trying. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 12 more days. Tonight we tell our eldest daughter about our impending separation. My husband is continuing to try to emotionally distance himself and I see the struggle. I just hope he does unravel once everything is said and done. His last day is the 22nd before he makes his transfer. So we'll be going full force in packing up. I know that week will be the most trying. Just try to hang in there... and get through all of it. I really hope that you continue to urge your H to get counseling so that he can figure out what his issues are and why he allowed himself to be treated this way. He has huge self worth issues, at a magnitude that is seldom seen. And for you, once you get settled, girl, you have to figure out what is going on with you, because if you don't figure out what your issue is, it will cause you so much trouble as you go through life... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 21, 2018 Author Share Posted June 21, 2018 We told our daughter about our separation. She asked me if it was because of "other man" name. I asked her why she thought that. She said she overheard her dad and I talk about him. I admitted to her that I had hurt her "dad" and yes that man is partly involved. We didn't tell her about her sister's true paternity. She's upset and is begging us not to split up. SHe is not talking to either of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted June 21, 2018 Share Posted June 21, 2018 I recently told my husband that I didn't love him anymore. I care about him as a person but I realize I don't want to stay married. I don't know if I ever really wanted to be married. I either can't or won't commit and I don't know why. I have a loving husband, two great kids, a great house and career but I'm not satisfied. I told my husband I want a divorce but he doesn't. He doesn't know our youngest may not be his. I'm a piece of work I know. He wants to try counselling, but I just want to free. I want to work on being a good mother and not continuing to drag him through the mud. If anyone read all this, do you have any advice? The only advice is to divorce your husband, without any condition or reservation. I don't judge your past behavior - I have opinions about it, but that's really between you and your husband and your God (or conscience). But whatever your past wrongs, you now have the chance to do something ethical, something right, which is to give your husband the opportunity to confront reality. You have a legal marriage, an institutional marriage, but it's a marriage with no other foundation. Your husband wants to imagine and hope that he can build a marriage on a foundation of love, but you know that it doesn't exist, and that it will never exist. If he won't do you the favor of taking the hint, if he won't do you the favor of being the person responsible for making the final decision to end the marriage, then as someone who knows the reality of your relationship, the best, most ethical thing you can do is to help make the decision for him. End your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 21, 2018 Author Share Posted June 21, 2018 The only advice is to divorce your husband, without any condition or reservation. We are seperated as of July 1st. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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