I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[Be_Strong]

He is alpha at work

 

And I’m sure your husband presented himself as this same alpha person when you first met and you were attracted to him. Then over time he turns into a super beta with you, and POOF, there goes your attraction to him.

[TheRainbow]

And I’m sure your husband presented himself as this same alpha person when you first met and you were attracted to him. Then over time he turns into a super beta with you, and POOF, there goes your attraction to him.

 

No, he's been pretty beta our entire relationship. I first cheated six months in, and he forgave me. But I was attracted to his high status.

[TheRainbow]

Rent in our old city we are returning too is expensive. The rent on a 3 bedroom 1000 sq condo is 1900 a month where the mortgage on our 2200 sqft 3 bedrooms 2 bathroom, double garage house we're selling is 1750 a month. The reality is I'm going only going to be able to afford a 2 bedroom apartment on my projected salary. Which brings me to my next dilemma.

 

I have been applying at jobs where my salary would be between 28,000 to 32,000 starting. My husband went to school and was good friends with the hiring manager of one job that I'd love to have. Starting salary would be 38,000, and it would be available by early September. I want to take it but since we are divorcing, I feel like I shouldn't. He said that he just wants me to be happy and have a good job. He says I deserve it. I feel like I worked hard and deserve it too. But under these circumstances, I don't know.

[BettyDraper]

Rent in our old city we are returning too is expensive. The rent on a 3 bedroom 1000 sq condo is 1900 a month where the mortgage on our 2200 sqft 3 bedrooms 2 bathroom, double garage house we're selling is 1750 a month. The reality is I'm going only going to be able to afford a 2 bedroom apartment on my projected salary. Which brings me to my next dilemma.

 

I have been applying at jobs where my salary would be between 28,000 to 32,000 starting. My husband went to school and was good friends with the hiring manager of one job that I'd love to have. Starting salary would be 38,000, and it would be available by early September. I want to take it but since we are divorcing, I feel like I shouldn't. He said that he just wants me to be happy and have a good job. He says I deserve it. I feel like I worked hard and deserve it too. But under these circumstances, I don't know.

 

I don't blame you for being apprehensive.

 

Even though the hiring manager should approach your application without any personal biases, we are all human and I don't think he would want to hire his close friend's ex wife....especially if the hiring manager found out the way you treated his friend.

[TheRainbow]

Well, the unexpected happened.

 

 

Last night I was supposed to go out with friends. Instead, my husband didn't come home. He didn't answer his phone so I had to cancel. I was mad. At 1 am he finally made it home. He had been drinking, but wasn't drunk or anything (I could smell it on is breath, and when he drinks on a Monday night I know something unusual happens). Anyway, I asked him where he was and he didn't say anything and went to bed.

 

This morning he admitted to having a one night stand with a stripper. He said that he just wanted to understand why I kept doing what I was doing and that if he did the same thing, then maybe the impending divorce wouldn't hurt so badly. He said he felt so so so wrong. That he wished he never done it. I can't help it but I feel a little hurt. I have no right to feel slighted, but I kind of do. Karma is a bitch.

Edited June 12, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BluesPower]

Well, the unexpected happened.

 

Last night I was supposed to go out with friends. Instead, my husband didn't come home. He didn't answer his phone so I had to cancel. I was mad. At 1 am he finally made it home. He had been drinking, but wasn't drunk or anything (I could smell it on is breath, and when he drinks on a Monday night I know something unusual happens). Anyway, I asked him where he was and he didn't say anything and went to bed.

 

This morning he admitted to having a one night stand with a stripper. He said that he just wanted to understand why I kept doing what I was doing and that if he did the same thing, then maybe the impending divorce wouldn't hurt so badly. He said he felt so so so wrong. That he wished he never done it. I can't help it but I feel a little hurt. I have no right to feel slighted, but I kind of do. Karma is a bitch.

 

Really, come on... How in gods name could you be hurt in any way?

 

After what you have done? And you seemed to be doing so well with being honest with yourself.

 

What you need to do is encourage him to go out more and get laid or find a GF. And help him to not feel bad about it at all.

 

That would actually be a NICE thing to do for him...

[TheRainbow]

 

That would actually be a NICE thing to do for him...

 

It would be good for him. I'm not angry. I deserve it. But I guess when it happens to you, for some it stings. Like an almost, what the **** did I do to this poor guy type of guilt? I doubt he'll do it again but I told him, I deserved it and he deserves to do the same. He did say that I'm not you, toward me. So there was that dig.

[BaileyB]

YOU feel a little hurt? Seriously.

 

My goodness, when I read your post my only thought was your husband must be dying inside to do something like that...

 

Your lack of empathy and inability to consider another perspective other than your own is kind of astounding sometimes...

[TheRainbow]

Your lack of empathy and inability to consider another perspective other than your own is kind of astounding sometimes...

 

I'm not a healthy person. I know I have no right to feel that way. I acknowledge that . I know he regrets doing it. He has messaged me just shortly after I had last posted that he didn't mean it. That he is even more confused than before. So maybe him getting "laid" is not what he needs. We both need out of this marriage, and we both need some serious counselling for different things.

 

I shouldn't feel hurt. But I'm being honest that it stung. Maybe it's shocking that he even went there.

[TheRainbow]

He had roses sent to me. FML. He feels guilty because he spent 200.00 at the strip club and slept with a stripper who meant nothing. When I had multiple affairs, one night stands our entire relationship.

[BaileyB]

He had roses sent to me. FML. He feels guilty because he spent 200.00 at the strip club and slept with a stripper who meant nothing. When I had multiple affairs, one night stands our entire relationship.

 

You both need counselling. Your husband is so confused and hurting so badly. I hope he gets some help for himself.

[BaileyB]

I'm not a healthy person. I know I have no right to feel that way. I acknowledge that .

 

I shouldn't feel hurt. But I'm being honest that it stung. Maybe it's shocking that he even went there.

 

Maybe it was important for you to feel that, at least in some small way, so that you can have some appreciation for the hurt that you have caused. Perhaps, if you have some appreciation, in no way the same as the pain you have caused your husband, you will be able to develop empathy and make better decisions in the future.

[TheRainbow]

Is it wrong that we are still having sex? I mean I have a high sex drive and I'm making every effort not to sleep around anymore, at least while I'ms till married to him. But I have needs as has he. We had some pretty intense sex last night because I just in my deluded mind wanted to satisfy him more than the stripper. I know realistically she wasn't good, and he didn't enjoy it.

[Zahara]

Is it wrong that we are still having sex? I mean I have a high sex drive and I'm making every effort not to sleep around anymore, at least while I'ms till married to him. But I have needs as has he. We had some pretty intense sex last night because I just in my deluded mind wanted to satisfy him more than the stripper. I know realistically she wasn't good, and he didn't enjoy it.

 

Your husband is emotionally attached, weak and dependent on you. Sex only reinforces that attachment and reignites his unhealthy dependence on you. Sex can be construed as hope in his mind.

 

You on the other hand are completely void of emotion and view sex as satisfaction.

 

Your behavior is extremely self-serving. The fact that you lack any sort of empathy in terms of being able to implement some boundaries in order to protect your husband from any more hurt is astounding.

 

Initially, you claimed to have been hurt by him sleeping with the stripper. It wasn't hurt -- it was your ego that was bruised. You were upset that you fell from the pedestal that he put you on. You wanted to satisfy him with intense sex because you needed to regain control of your position in his life and to put him back in his place of adoring/paying all attention on you and being the loyal/submissive/subservient man he has always been to you.

 

You should not be having sex with your husband because you both are on different playing fields. If you are going to divorce him, then stop planting seeds of hope because sex is a sure fire way to confuse this man even more.

Edited June 13, 2018 by Zahara

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Is it wrong that we are still having sex? I mean I have a high sex drive and I'm making every effort not to sleep around anymore, at least while I'ms till married to him. But I have needs as has he. We had some pretty intense sex last night because I just in my deluded mind wanted to satisfy him more than the stripper. I know realistically she wasn't good, and he didn't enjoy it.

 

I thought my own psychopathy was quite interesting at the very least,

Seems you are more in touch with yours, I applaud ONLY your honesty and your inner beast!

[TheRainbow]

This evening, he took the two girls out for a few hours and left me home without even telling me. So at around nine, when they returned my oldest is telling me about going to the arcade, and how he paid to get her nails done and how she wished I was there. When I confronted him about it, he just told me he was doing what I wanted and walked away. We are lying in bed, he's pretending to sleep avoiding me, and I'm just restless.

[BaileyB]

Is it wrong that we are still having sex? I mean I have a high sex drive and I'm making every effort not to sleep around anymore, at least while I'ms till married to him. But I have needs as has he. We had some pretty intense sex last night because I just in my deluded mind wanted to satisfy him more than the stripper. I know realistically she wasn't good, and he didn't enjoy it.

 

You are going to destroy this man. He doesn’t have the good sense to stop this for his own self preservation. And you are not capable of denying your own selfish interest even when it’s in the best interest of your husband.

 

Your behaviour is extremely self serving. Your ego is hurt and you need to maintain your hold on him. This is all about control.

 

You need help.

Edited June 14, 2018 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Is it wrong that we are still having sex? I mean I have a high sex drive and I'm making every effort not to sleep around anymore, at least while I'ms till married to him. But I have needs as has he. We had some pretty intense sex last night because I just in my deluded mind wanted to satisfy him more than the stripper. I know realistically she wasn't good, and he didn't enjoy it.

 

Yes. At this point you should just do what you've done in the past to get your sexual needs met and not have sex with your husband. Sex will just confuse him and make him think there is a chance to reconcile. He would be better off getting his sexual and emotional needs met elsewhere and you should encourage it. I agree that your ego is bruised; however I can't understand why; but think of someone else besides you for a change.

[TheRainbow]

I think he's trying to manipulate me into staying, and I think I'm just giving him mixed signals. This six-month temporary thing isn't going to work. Him detaching or at least trying to detach from me while we are living together is hurting me, and me giving him false hope is hurting him. So I messaged him at work this morning and told him that I wanted to just back out of the lease, I'll even pay for the breaking of the lease with my half of the proceeds of the house. That I found at 600.00 a month one bedroom apartment, that I'll lease in the new city, just so we can separate. I can't do this. I'm jealous. I really am. This marriage is over. We are toxic and we'd be better off apart. We don't hate each other so we'd be able to co-parent fine. But neither of us have any business being in a relationship in general. I'm just waiting on a reply from him. Edited June 14, 2018 by TheRainbow

[TheRainbow]

So he finally responded to my text from this morning. He said he'll go to counselling or whatever I want if I'd just drop this separation talk. That I'm not thinking clearly.

[Zahara]

So he finally responded to my text from this morning. He said he'll go to counselling or whatever I want if I'd just drop this separation talk. That I'm not thinking clearly.

 

Be firm and and be direct. Tell him you are set in your decision and you do not want to be married to him anymore.

 

This is why you don't have sex -- you're messing with his head. This man needs helps and it's so disturbing to see how deluded he is -- you both are bad for each other.

[BluesPower]

Be firm and and be direct. Tell him you are set in your decision and you do not want to be married to him anymore.

 

This is why you don't have sex -- you're messing with his head. This man needs helps and it's so disturbing to see how deluded he is -- you both are bad for each other.

 

You know, I am not putting this on Rainbow...

 

There may be other men that are this delusional, but I have not heard of them.

 

@Rainbow, he is out to lunch delusional, he needs to go to counseling for him self so he can figure out what is wrong with him.

 

You do have to be direct with him though.

 

Wow, he just will not see the reality...

[BettyDraper]

I think he's trying to manipulate me into staying, and I think I'm just giving him mixed signals. This six-month temporary thing isn't going to work. Him detaching or at least trying to detach from me while we are living together is hurting me, and me giving him false hope is hurting him. So I messaged him at work this morning and told him that I wanted to just back out of the lease, I'll even pay for the breaking of the lease with my half of the proceeds of the house. That I found at 600.00 a month one bedroom apartment, that I'll lease in the new city, just so we can separate. I can't do this. I'm jealous. I really am. This marriage is over. We are toxic and we'd be better off apart. We don't hate each other so we'd be able to co-parent fine. But neither of us have any business being in a relationship in general. I'm just waiting on a reply from him.

 

In a way, I think it's good that you feel hurt and jealous.

Those feelings might influence the way that you treat the next man you're with. I'm surprised that you're jealous because you seem so detached.

 

I'm glad that you found a new place to live. Hopefully your husband will finally let go and accept that you are leaving. I feel sorry for him though.

[TheRainbow]

Those feelings might influence the way that you treat the next man you're with. I'm surprised that you're jealous because you seem so detached.

 

I think it's that I accept that this relationship is not healthy. Doesn't mean I don't have any feelings at all. I do care about him as a person. He's a damn good father, a good man deep down. He just has so many issues as I do. It's best to let him go.

 

He shut down once again. Tomorrow I'm going to skype the landlord of this place I found. I had a friend go look at it to make sure it's legit. I Just hope after all said and done he can really start to realize how much healthier we will be a part.

[TheRainbow]

So there is definitely some manipulation going on. He's trying so so so hard to change my mind. I give him a few more days of this before he folds. I really hope he keeps it up. He ordered pizza for all of us but didn't get what I normally would have eaten. It's pretty minor, but he's the first to take my wants into consideration. I didn't comment on it, but I know, like last night when he took the girls out for a few hours, that it was a dig at me. But he did tell me when I mentioned once again about the apartment, not to take the apartment, that he'll move in with family so the kids and I don't live in that "dump" as he calls it. He'll pay the rent. I know he would. He's always one to follow through, but it's so frustrating that he just can't take a hint.