I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[TheRainbow]

After reading your last post, this outcome is predictable. The whole KISA thing. He is good enough isn't the stuff marriages are made of. Your last post also confirmed my opinion, you don't love him and it's likely he doesn't love you, he was your knight in shining armor and you were his pretty young trophy.

 

In time you both likely lost that need to have one another in those roles. Now all that is left is him simply being comfort with you around and you feeling like a caged bird. No love here at all.

 

I think I figured out the quote thing here.

 

There was some definite KISA going on. At the beginning, there was some attraction. He is/was a physically and sexually attractive man. I quit working a job where I was bringing in more than I'm making now as a career woman, to get a low paying waitress job because I really wanted to make an honest go.

 

During the six months up to when I slept with the co-worker he treated me so nice. But when we spent time together there was a disconnect and us making sacrifices. Sunday's were sports. I sat through so many sports games, that it made my eyes bleed. He often dragged himself when we went out and did fun interactive things together. He was a homebody. Not to mention he had lived his twenties, and wanted to settle down and have kids.

 

When I cheated the first time, his reasoning for giving it another go was that I was manipulated. At the time I kind of agree with his assumptions to lessen the pain. I wasn't going to admit that I enjoyed the other man's company. I still don't know why he wanted me to move in with him.

 

Then I got pregnant, he treated me like a queen. Then he proposed. Everything came on so fast. The weeks leading up to the wedding I was having doubts. I ended up cheating on him the night before our wedding, with a random at the bar. I knew I should have called off the wedding. I didn't love myself enough to stay true to my feelings.

 

Over the ten years of our marriage, I did try. There was some love between us. I don't think we necessarily lived a completely loveless relationship. In a way when I started my career his love intensified for me where after a while I started to drift apart. There were maybe three good years in our marriage where I was truly happy. A baby was a last change ditch in my head to save our marriage and also because my biological clock was ticking. After fertility problems, I started up an affair with my boss again. To this day he doesn't know, and I honestly hope and pray to god the baby is my husband's. He is a good man, and I rather co-parent with him.

Edited May 21, 2018 by TheRainbow

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It does look like he isn't going to consent to the do it yourself divorce. Today he made it clear he doesn't want a divorce and that he doesn't believe I really want one. I didn't argue with him anymore. I have an appointment with two different lawyers tomorrow afternoon for a consultation. I honestly wanted to do it our selves to save money. By Thursday the DNA test results should be ready.

 

So, your husband doesn't know about this DNA test?

 

Have you ever received individual counseling? It sounds like you really need it so you can stop hurting people. Your husband also needs it figure out why he allows himself to be treated this way.

[TheRainbow]

So, your husband doesn't know about this DNA test?

 

Have you ever received individual counseling? It sounds like you really need it so you can stop hurting people. Your husband also needs it figure out why he allows himself to be treated this way.

 

 

He doesn't know. If he is the father I think it's better he never finds out. I don't want to be with him any longer so don't see the reason in that situation to hurt him further.

 

If he isn't the father then I'll have to be honest with him.

[TheRainbow]

I have put a retainer down on a lawyer. I filed, and he should be served at our home Thursday while our daughter is at school. It feels bittersweet that it's coming to an end. Right now I shouldn't be in a relationship and I hope in time my husband finds someone who is good for him, treats him right, and be the wife I just couldn't be. We have a beautiful daughter, and I pray that Faith is his as well. I have also decided regardless of the results to end the affair with my former boss. I just pray he isn't the father.

[TheRainbow]

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I got the results back and he isn't the father. I was so sure he was. The real father knows and wants me to tell my husband ASAP. He thinks we are going to get together, which is not what I had in mind. I don't want to be with him any more than I do my husband.

 

My husband is being served and then now I got to tell him somehow that he isn't the father of our daughter. This is a disaster. I feel bad. I really do. A great father he was, and I wanted him to be the father for that reason.

[merrmeade]

Wow, the DNA test. A lot of people getting hurt here, including your daughter. It's good that you're owning the consequences of your actions, but your objectivity borders on detachment. I really feel for your husband. You will be some people's least favorite person.

[TheRainbow]

It's not an ideal situation, and I'm so so sad that it turned out this way. I have no one to blame but myself. But at the end of the day, it's what it is. I hope my daughter in time, will grow up and accept the situation. I just really wished they both were my soon to be ex-husband. This afternoon he is going to be served, and I arranged for the kids to be watched by my mom. Because I'm going to come clean, about the affair and the DNA test. Then I'm going to call of the affair for good. And then get into some counselling, finish the divorce and be the best mother I can be. There is really nothing else for me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Tough situation. I want to feel sorry for your husband, but if any man has had warning signs, red flags, flashing signals and skull&crossbone labels, it's been him.

 

Oftentimes, AP's proceed with a "smartest guy in the room, I'm on top of it" attitude. As your result proves, not usually the case...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mind-Chants]

This is so sad. But I guess her husband's reaction is very much predictable. I feel he is just going to accept everything and would like to work on the marriage/relationship which actually doesn't exist.

 

We have two active wayward spouses posting here. OP and Deepremorse. How contrasting are the reactions of their significant other? DR cheated with one guy and her husband just vanished. And here the OP keeps on cheating with multiple people and her husband still wants to work it out. Every relationship has its own dynamics and I hope I am wrong with how the OP's husband would react. But I truly feel bad for the innocent kid who is stuck in between.

 

OP I am not going to say anything about your past actions. But if you want to reap some "good karma", pls make sure you put your daughter's wellbeing ahead of yours.

[TheRainbow]

He has been served. When I went to break there were six missed calls, (he has never been one to discuss important things over text) and a call at the main desk for me to call him. I texted him telling him we needed to talk this evening.

[merrmeade]

He has been served. When I went to break there were six missed calls, (he has never been one to discuss important things over text) and a call at the main desk for me to call him. I texted him telling him we needed to talk this evening.

hmmm sounds like more head in the sand refusal to see and accept for his part. Encourage him to get counseling, saying that you are. If he doesn’t accept the rest, all you can do is convince him by your actions. Good luck.

[TheRainbow]

So he knows everything...

 

After we had a long conversation I thought for sure he was going to attempt just brushing it off. He brought up why I wanted a divorce so badly. I could tell he was trying not to cry. I felt so bad. I told him that I had started the affair again (didn't specify at this point who it was) and that I just didn't love him anymore. That I cared about him as a father. Then that is when I started tearing up. I just blurted out that he wasn't the father of our youngest. Then there was silence for a few minutes. Then he asked with who? I told him and then showed him the results. He didn't say anything and got up. This was what I predicted, that he would avoid talking about. I went into the living room to watch television. I followed him and he said he didn't want to talk about it.

 

So after a bit, I went to bed, and he came to bed afterward. I was awake when he fell asleep. When I did fall asleep, and my alarm woke me up. He was awake the next morning, made me breakfast. I told him again he needed to stop doing stuff like that. He said that he can do whatever he wants and I would have to deal with it. The tone he used was different, a little offputting coming from him. But I brushed it off, ate and then went to work. No mention of the divorce. The divorce papers were left untouched on the kitchen counters.

 

I did text the other man telling him my husband knew, then shut off my phone. Based on how he reacted last time, it was best to tell him after work was done for the day that I wanted to end the affair so he had the weekend to process everything.

 

Then a few minutes before lunch, someone told me I needed to go to the parking lot right away. So I went and my husband was there and confronted my former (current affair partner) boss. Security had contained my husband. He was mocking my husband, and saying how I didn't want him, and on and on and on about how we were going to be together. Then when they both noticed me, my husband demeanour changed, looked defeated. I sighed. I told the other man that I didn't want him any more than I wished to remain married. After some negotiation with security they let my husband go, with the promise to never come back.

 

I have a meeting with Human of Relations tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I'm about to go back to work and deal with the fall out from this later.

Edited May 25, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BluesPower]

You know... I applaud you for taking the steps necessary to end this sham of a marriage and for getting into therapy at some point.

 

But, have you thought that your OM's mocking behavior toward you husband should tell you about all you need to know about him?

 

That it just about a low a character as you could ever be with...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I told the other man that I didn't want him any more than I wished to remain married.

 

Is this true?

[TheRainbow]

I can't focus. I'm afraid of going home and I just realized that tomorrow is Saturday. So for sure, I'm going to lose my job if they want to call my me on a weekend. I know this is all my own doing. And I 100% mean not wanting to be with him. I wanted to end the affair, and after today I really do see how ****ty of a person he was, I wish I didn't have to deal with him anymore.

Edited May 25, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BaileyB]

Indeed. Your picker was really off when you decided to have an affair with your boss. He sounds like a real jerk!

 

My heart breaks for your husband and your child. So many lives damaged... that's a heavy burden for you to carry, but carry it you must.

 

All you can do is be honest, and repent. A new life of integrity starts today...

[Mr. Lucky]

And I 100% mean not wanting to be with him. I wanted to end the affair, and after today I really do see how ****ty of a person he was, I wish I didn't have to deal with him anymore.

 

Wow, what a mess. Since this is the father of your child we're talking about, you have decades of co-parenting ahead. Have you thought about - or discussed with your AP - what that will look like?

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheRainbow]

He wasn't home when I got home. My daughter, 10 said he picked her up and dropped her off and said that he had some things to do. This is very out of character for him. But he did leave something open on his laptop that I'm not going to reveal. The other man sent me a bunch of messages calling me a whore and how he is going to take my kid from me. I gave him crickets because until he goes to court, he has no rights.

Edited May 26, 2018 by TheRainbow

[anika99]

Hope you do go forward with the divorce, Rainbow, so you can both get to work to become the person you were meant to be - which can only be better than the person you are now. And I think that goes for him as well as you. He met you at a strip club? I think you realize as well as anyone (and that's why you said it) that there were some unusual issues going on with your husband already, considering he could have looked many other places for wife/mother material. He needs to figure quite a few things out about himself and why he doesn't think he deserves a partner who adores him and their life together. He needs to decide he's worth being treated better.

 

I'm not condemning you at all. You sound to me like two fish tied together swimming in opposite directions. You were young, making ends meet by pleasing men, then suddenly you were thrust into this middle-class professional guy's life with all the expectations that go with that. Of course, you and everyone else probably assumed it was great for you, a huge opportunity, several steps up without even working for it. But that's the problem. You didn't work for it or even decide you wanted it from what I'm reading. The lifestyle change wasn't your choice or a result of deep reflection and decision-making about what YOU wanted out of life. You just had to figure it out because you were with him. So, yes, it makes sense to me that you've had a hard time making yourself be the role you were playing.

 

Only problem is - your children. You and your husband may or may not work out your individual issues once separated though I think you'll have a better chance of it. (He needs to realize he has some, first of all!) But what about your children? Who will you be to them? This time, you need to think about them when you make lifestyle decisions. I have no problem whatsoever with your realization that you're too selfish to stay loyal to one man. I don't care what anyone chooses as an individual who has no commitments. But you are a parent, and your children are watching and absorbing everything they see you do.

 

The main thing is - do what's right for you and for them. Don't try to be a martyr again. Choose this time. If you choose your education, job, neighborhood, love life based on what you AND they need, everyone will be happy. Think about how you will explain each choice to them and it may make it easier to decide what you can be unselfish about and what you can still do for your own enjoyments Their future choices, how they see men and relationships will depend on your ability to find peace and happiness with your choices. You're modeling for them now, but they will ask direct questions later. You will need to explain your choices to them. If you're not ashamed, they won't be. Maybe some of these topics would be appropriate for individual counseling sessions.

 

I think you have an opportunity to actually grow into adulthood on your own terms now. I hope you make the most of it.

 

Oh wow! this is a mess. I just want to say I agree with everything the poster I quoted said. I don't think you ever loved your husband. At 19yrs old I don't think you even knew what love was. Your husband rescued you from a career and a lifestyle that you didn't really want so you just stayed with him but I don't think you ever really loved him either. And I agree that your husband also has some serious issues. It's just not normal to stay in a relationship where one is so blatantly disrespected time and time again. Forgiving one instance of cheating may be blamed on love but staying and forgiving time and time again isn't really about love anymore. I know your husband says it's because he loves you but it truly isn't an act of love to stay in this situation.

 

Get the divorce. It's going to be hard but your husband will wind up better for it in the long run. So will you. Stay away from the OM. The way he talked to your husband was beyond disrespectful and showed what kind of no class low class guy he is. Now that he knows he is the father of your youngest child I dont' know how you want to proceed with that. He may have rights as the father. How will that affect your children? What do want to happen?

 

Mostly I agree with the above poster that you need to make your children your absolute main priority and live your life in a way that respects your position as their mother and that sets a good example. I also get why you don't want to live in this inauthentic marriage any longer and don't fault you for choosing divorce. You and your husband both need your freedom from one another but remember that this will also be hard on your kids. You need to help them and respect their feelings. Don't use your newfound freedom to start bring a string of different men into their lives. Make sure your dating life does not take away from your children.

 

Oh and I just edited this post to add that you are entitled to child support. You said earlier that you offered to let your husband walk away free of alimony and child support. He does at the very least need contribute to the support of your oldest child. A lawyer will probably tell you that he could be made to pay child support for the youngest too since he has been the acting father since her birth. I don't think that would be a morally correct thing to do though. If you want child support from the OM you have a right to pursue that but you know the situation best and only you can know if it's in your and your children's best interest to get child support from either man. Just don't get into a situation where you are struggling and your children are suffering all because neither of their fathers are paying child support.

Edited May 26, 2018 by anika99

[TheRainbow]

A bittersweet update. I lost my job this morning which I feared when they called me in on a Saturday for a meeting. I later found out the other man lost his job too. So I get home and have to tell my husband the news. He blamed himself for showing up at his/my work, and I told him that he has nothing to be sorry about. We talked for a bit and he broke down and asked me if I was planning on taking the baby away from him. Up until this point, I wasn't sure what his intentions were, but if he wants to be there for both kids, who am I to stop him? Because he is really a great father. So in the meantime, I'm going to look for another job. I made it clear to him that our marriage is over. The next step is to decide what to do about the ex-boss. He has been messaging and texting me from random numbers telling me that I can't keep the baby from him.

[Blanco]

I feel sorry for the child, but that's about it. It's unfortunate that the husband has invested over a decade into someone who was never all-in on him. However, the red flags were all over the place smacking him in the face from very early on in the relationship. That he has stayed by the OP's side is not noble. It shows a total lack of self-respect and dignity.

 

OP's behavior is pretty disgusting, but I can't help but think that this guy's doormat qualities have not helped his own case with the OP. I see some talk in this thread about the "nice guy" getting screwed over for the bad boy. This story is Lesson 101 as to why men should have a spine. It's not a case of treating a woman like dirt. It's about having some boundaries, some non-negotiables; freaking believing in something. This guy sounds like he's got none of that. He's just some dude who was 30 trolling around for a girl who was barely college-aged.

 

The relationship between him and the child going forward is tough. He's raised her and treated her believing she was his own. I do think that it's not unreasonable that he wants to remain part of her life. However, this has to be transparent and not some backdoor attempt at remaining in a romantic relationship with the OP. Based on his actions to date, I'm skeptical that this isn't his real intent.

[TheRainbow]

The relationship between him and the child going forward is tough. He's raised her and treated her believing she was his own. I do think that it's not unreasonable that he wants to remain part of her life. However, this has to be transparent and not some backdoor attempt at remaining in a romantic relationship with the OP. Based on his actions to date, I'm skeptical that this isn't his real intent.

 

We also have a ten-year-old daughter that is his, and he is a wonderful father. Like so hands-on, goes to every sport meet, very involved with the school, and because of his salary, we are able to send our daughter to a Montessori school. It's possible he's hoping that I reconsider. He doesn't want the divorce. After telling him about the baby not being his he hasn't directly tried to talk me out of the divorce but is not dragging his legs either to hire his own lawyer or anything. He is very upset that my former boss could come in and take over his territory. The baby was very much wanted by him. We planned this baby, but then I went and slept around. He is very good with her, so I think his desire to stay in her life is genuine.

 

My husband may be a doormat, and he a pushover, has very little self-worth. But he has so many great qualities such as hard working, kind, and caring, which are all great qualities that make him a great father. I'd never take that from him. I just don't know what to do with my former boss. He has known that he could be a father of the baby since I became pregnant. Yet he didn't show any interest until I asked him to take a DNA test.

Edited May 27, 2018 by TheRainbow

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

A bittersweet update. I lost my job this morning which I feared when they called me in on a Saturday for a meeting. I later found out the other man lost his job too. So I get home and have to tell my husband the news. He blamed himself for showing up at his/my work, and I told him that he has nothing to be sorry about. We talked for a bit and he broke down and asked me if I was planning on taking the baby away from him. Up until this point, I wasn't sure what his intentions were, but if he wants to be there for both kids, who am I to stop him? Because he is really a great father. So in the meantime, I'm going to look for another job. I made it clear to him that our marriage is over. The next step is to decide what to do about the ex-boss. He has been messaging and texting me from random numbers telling me that I can't keep the baby from him.

 

I don't think you can or should keep the baby from him. It's something the three of you (you, husband, baby daddy) are going to have to work out. He has a right to see his child and his child should know him as well.

[TheRainbow]

I don't think you can or should keep the baby from him. It's something the three of you (you, husband, baby daddy) are going to have to work out. He has a right to see his child and his child should know him as well.

 

Once he stops calling me names and threatening to take my baby then we can have a discussion. Or he can take me to court. I know I did wrong, but he also knew I was married. I really just hope he's trying to get to me and will choose not to be involved.

 

My husband, or soon to be ex-husband is bent on doing what he can to make him back off. I did tell him not to confront him again, and risk himself because it'll only feed his ego and won't make him feel any better.

Edited May 27, 2018 by TheRainbow

[girlinNYC]

I don't take pride in what I'm doing. But it doesn't change that I do it. I have tried to stop and I've tried to seek what is lacking from the relationship but at the end of the day, I just realize it isn't anything he's doing wrong. He's the whole package any normal sane woman would want. He's your typical nice guy. Maybe that is why I stray because he is too nice.

 

Whereas there are women out there who would do anything to find a nice, faithful guy... You don't stray because he is too nice, you stray because your moral compass is lacking.