I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[BettyDraper]

People are skeptical; I get it. Strangers on the internet, deep down my family, friends, they all probably think I'm not capable of changing. My husband seems to be the only one who thinks this. I'm trying to believe I have self-worth, to love myself enough then to whore myself out.

 

I believe there is a huge difference between emotional intimacy and needing men to validate my self-worth. I have sex with my husband; I feel happy, I feel satisfied, loved etc. Then I go to work (using my old job as an example because my new job, my immediate boss is a woman) and my boss is a male, he is arrogant, cocky, and confident. I feel inferior. I feel like I'm not good enough. My former boss, my affair partner, recommends me for further training. Then turns around and tells me I wouldn't have gotten that raise, that promotion if it were for him. I feel the need to validate him. Then I get caught, I feel shame, anger, and I self-sabotage. I push away the one person who gives a **** about me. We makeup, things are good, we love each other, and all the issues are still there because I hadn't dealt with it.

 

Now I'm in counselling. I'm being forced to look at myself, and get down to the root of my low self-worth. The second session I had with this counsellor, she told me to look at myself in the mirror every morning and then every evening and tell myself I'm worth it. I'm worthy of love, and I'm worthy of respect. At first, I thought that was dumb, but I did it. Every morning and every evening these past few months, I say it. It does feel uplifting.

 

I do think it's a good thing that I'm working closely with a woman. Living apart, also have given me confidence that I can take care of myself.

 

From the outside, a lot of what I talk about seems like I'm talking about me. But if I don't fix myself, don't get to the root of my issues, then how can I be a healthy person for anyone. I really want my husband, my children to see me at my best.

 

This post shows a remarkable amount of insight and growth.

 

You may also want to focus on how your actions have affected your husband and children. Hopefully the guilt will be a good motivator to change permanently.

 

Write your husband a long letter detailing how your actions have hurt him and how you plan to atone for your affairs. In this letter, talk about what you love about your husband and focus on what a wonderful man he is. Don't mention his shortcomings or blame him for your affairs. Humbly thank your husband for being amazingly forgiving and patient.

 

Offer to give your husband all of your passwords to your phone, email, and social media. This will show that you're willing to be transparent.

[TheRainbow]

Write your husband a long letter detailing how your actions have hurt him and how you plan to atone for your affairs. In this letter, talk about what you love about your husband and focus on what a wonderful man he is. Don't mention his shortcomings or blame him for your affairs. Humbly thank your husband for being amazingly forgiving and patient.

 

Offer to give your husband all of your passwords to your phone, email, and social media. This will show that you're willing to be transparent.

 

That is a good idea. I never thought about writing him a letter but I think I will. And I have no problem giving him access to my passwords for everything.

[Just a Guy]

Hi TheRainbow, I have been abstaining from commenting on your thread because frankly, I thought that I was completely unqualified to do so. I am sorry for you as a human being that you find yourself in such an unenviable situation. All that I can gather from what you have written is that at heart you are desperately unhappy and your self worth is at a low point. Other folks have given you sterling advice and I think, with the help of your counsellor, you are making satisfactory progress toward becoming whole and a wife more worthy of your husband's love. I have nothing of direct bearing on your situation, to say to you so I will just make a suggestion which you may or may not use.

 

My suggestion is for you to get two books to read which I hope will help you to heal faster because of the influence they may have on your mind. The first book is easy to read. It is titled 'Sully' and is the life story of Chester B. Sully. Sullenberger who was the Captain of Flight 1549 which came down in the Hudson river on a cold January day in 2009. The date was 15 Jan 2009 and the plane had just taken off from LaGuardia airport and while climbing to cruising height it was hit by a flock of Canadian geese resulting in the loss of both engines. By bringing the plane down safely into the Hudson Captain Sullenberger saved the lives of all the people on board,, a total of 155 in all including five crew members. Captain Sullenberger has written his life story in the book and how the various events in his life including his marriage to his wife Lorrie and the unquestioned support she provided to him throughout his flying career helped him in those tense moments to do the right things and make the right decisions to help save the lives of all those people. It is a heartwarming and uplifting story and if you want an example of great womanhood then you have it in Lorrie Sullenberger. The book describes her own struggles with infertility and being deprived of one of the most fundamental functions of a woman's body namely to conceive and give birth to her husband's children. I think this book simple as it is, will give you a surge of hope for the beauty of life and for the joy of living. In a world which has become so cynical and blase about the human existence it is uplifting to read a story like this.

 

The other book is also easy to read but it is a practical do it yourself book. It is titled "Search inside yourself" and is written by Chase Me ng Tan, an engineer turned Mindfulness exponent working at Google. This book will help you understand what makes you tick at the deepest level of your soul and may help you see exactly where you have been tripping up. The book contains some non physical exercises that is exercises for the mind which you must practice if you want to benefit from it. Since you are living alone you will be able to implement it much better than if you had the distraction of family life around you. Of course once you have mastered the principles in that book you will not be distracted wherever in the world you may ne. Try both the books and then let the forum know whether you benefitted from them. Cheers!

Edited September 16, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Aleksj]

I have sex with my husband; I feel happy, I feel satisfied, loved etc. Then I go to work (using my old job as an example because my new job, my immediate boss is a woman) and my boss is a male, he is arrogant, cocky, and confident. I feel inferior. I feel like I'm not good enough. My former boss, my affair partner, recommends me for further training. Then turns around and tells me I wouldn't have gotten that raise, that promotion if it were for him. I feel the need to validate him.

 

What do you mean by "validate him" ? To me, it seems the opposite is true : his behaviour gives you the urge to be validated *by* him, by having sex with him (at least, this is where your explanation appear to be driving at).

[TheRainbow]

What do you mean by "validate him" ? To me, it seems the opposite is true : his behaviour gives you the urge to be validated *by* him, by having sex with him (at least, this is where your explanation appear to be driving at).

 

I told myself I was going to take a break from posting... But I really need to clarify this situation.

 

My daughter's first year of life I had very bad postpartum depression. I ate, cleaned, slept and took care of her. I went through the motions. I lost all interest any anything. Anything I did I forced myself to do. At my husbands urging I got help. I got a grade twelve, with his support, things were great. I felt great. Then I got a job at an accounting firm. I do think my husband pulled some strings to get me the job as a secretary, because I had applied at other jobs and I made it clear that I wanted to start fresh with a legitimate career.

 

So I got the job as a secretary. Then the other man, also known as, my former boss and I spend a lot of time together. He told me that he wanted me to be his personal assistant. But at this company, a personal executive assistant, needed more than a grade twelve. So he approached his boss and advocated me for some extra training. So I signed a two-year contract, in return, they paid for me to do training and I became a certified Administrative Assistant.

 

I was a few weeks into the new position and was spending 6 hours at work, and 4 hours, part-time training for this program. During this time I spent a lot of time with the other man. He made a lot of comments about I wouldn't have gotten this because of him. One night, I was catching up on some filing I hadn't done earlier int he day. He stayed late, backed me in a corner. He told me I owed him. He brushed his hand along my shoulder. I felt trapped. I was in a two-year contract, and if I broke the contract then I would owe money for the training they were paying for. So I gave in.

 

Then it didn't stop there. The next three years, we worked together every day. The sex only happened at work. When we had sex, the rest of the day was pleasant. The days we didn't have sex, he was a ****ing *******. Degrading comments.

 

Then a co-worker told my husband about the affair. It stopped then. My husband wanted me to quit my job. I told him no and then told him I wanted a divorce. I don't think I necessarily wanted to divorce more so that I was feeling a lack of control.

 

I had finally gotten a job I liked. I was feeling confident. Finally, the other man was off my back. When he was transferred, I felt relief. I focused on my job, everybody loved me and after a year, that whole affair was put "behind" us. But it wasn't behind us, it was just buried until it happened again.

 

I am aware at the end of the day, I was a willingly participate in the affair with the other man. I was just explaining my thoughts, my reasons from my point of view .

[Aleksj]

 

I was a few weeks into the new position and was spending 6 hours at work, and 4 hours, part-time training for this program. During this time I spent a lot of time with the other man. He made a lot of comments about I wouldn't have gotten this because of him. One night, I was catching up on some filing I hadn't done earlier int he day. He stayed late, backed me in a corner. He told me I owed him. He brushed his hand along my shoulder. I felt trapped. I was in a two-year contract, and if I broke the contract then I would owe money for the training they were paying for. So I gave in.

 

Then it didn't stop there. The next three years, we worked together every day. The sex only happened at work. When we had sex, the rest of the day was pleasant. The days we didn't have sex, he was a ****ing *******. Degrading comments.

 

 

What you describe is called sexual harassment. Your boss abused his position of power in order to have sex with you. That kind of behaviour needs to be reported to Human Resources, though it clearly is a delicate situation to manage.

I am genuinely confused about why you would persist in calling what happened an "affair", if indeed your boss coerced you into having sex with him, which is what you describe. If you don't understand the difference between an affair and sexual harassment, this is a major issue that you need to address. You may have given in to the pressure that your boss was putting you under, but if that pressure from him was of the kind you describe, then I wouldn't call you a "willing participant in the affair". I would say you were unable to defend yourself. This, obviously, is assuming that the reason you had sex with your ex-boss was to appease him and keep your job, not because you actually enjoyed the situation.

 

(Then, of course, you did have other relationships that could rightly be called "affairs". I just don't think the word applies to this one, based on the story you told).

Edited September 18, 2018 by Aleksj

[whammy]

It’s hypergamy. It’s nothing to do with self worth. Your submissive and your husband is far from dominant. Men Flirting and pursueing you only had an effect on you when it comes from a big dog that can do what he wants. Men that are “above” you and above your husband. What you are attracted to ain’t anything out of the ordinary in my experience with women.

[TheRainbow]

I am genuinely confused about why you would persist in calling what happened an "affair", if indeed your boss coerced you into having sex with him, which is what you describe. If you don't understand the difference between an affair and sexual harassment, this is a major issue that you need to address.

 

It is clearly sexual harassment, but I also carried it on for three years, then again for another year when he came back. I wasn't raped, so it was an affair. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around why I would do it a second time with him, when he really treated me so ****ty the first time.

[TheRainbow]

It’s hypergamy. It’s nothing to do with self worth. Your submissive and your husband is far from dominant. Men Flirting and pursueing you only had an effect on you when it comes from a big dog that can do what he wants. Men that are “above” you and above your husband. What you are attracted to ain’t anything out of the ordinary in my experience with women.

 

I'm glad you got me all figured out. But that was far from the truth. I had danced provocatively for me, some really gross and creepy for money. I'm not sure how much lower one can get.

 

On a side note. I'm not sure what you mean by "above" if it's salary and job title, my husband was above the other man in both. If it was who could be a bigger *******, then I guess the other man had my husband beat there. Even though my husband does have a dominant side to him, he has never shown it toward me.

[Aleksj]

It is clearly sexual harassment, but I also carried it on for three years, then again for another year when he came back. I wasn't raped, so it was an affair. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around why I would do it a second time with him, when he really treated me so ****ty the first time.

 

If it were not for the pressure he exerted upon you (i.e. reminding you that you owed him your job, cornering you in the office, when he was your boss, and degrading you when you didn't have sex with him), would you have had sex with him ? Did you ever initiate sex with him ?

I understand you didn't see him outside of the office, so it appears there was no emotional connection. As for the purely physical aspect of the relationship, did you ever enjoy having sex with him in the office, or was it purely a matter of paying your dues, so to speak ?

 

(No need for you to actually answer those questions - let's call them rethorical ; my point being that if there was nothing for you in this so-called "affair", apart from keeping your job and preventing your boss from expressing contempt for you at work, then I hardly see how one can call it anything else than sexual harassment. But that's a question you should answer for yourself.)

[TheRainbow]

If it were not for the pressure he exerted upon you (i.e. reminding you that you owed him your job, cornering you in the office, when he was your boss, and degrading you when you didn't have sex with him), would you have had sex with him ? Did you ever initiate sex with him ?

I understand you didn't see him outside of the office, so it appears there was no emotional connection. As for the purely physical aspect of the relationship, did you ever enjoy having sex with him in the office, or was it purely a matter of paying your dues, so to speak ?

 

(No need for you to actually answer those questions - let's call them rethorical ; my point being that if there was nothing for you in this so-called "affair", apart from keeping your job and preventing your boss from expressing contempt for you at work, then I hardly see how one can call it anything else than sexual harassment. But that's a question you should answer for yourself.)

 

It felt like an affair by the end of it. I did nothing to stop it. I on occasion to initiate it. I openly did flirt. It was kind of like, I made him happy, and in return, I kept my job. That was how it was during the first affair. By the time my second affair started with him. I was a lot more assertive. He didn't hold that over my head. It kind of just started, and I was so damn selfish to do it while my husband and I were having a baby. Then it stopped when I found out I was pregnant. He then used the pregnancy over my head, and we made out once in a while. Then finally I just told him if he wanted to tell my husband, then go right ahead. But I dhadDNA test done with the other man. I was hoping and at the time thought the results would show my husband was the father. He wasn't the father, and when I told him, I thought then he'd not want me anymore.

 

I asked for a divorce. Instead, here we are separated, and working toward getting back together. Only we're going to do things right this way. I do think my pregnancy now, which was never expected, but turns out is not uncommon; when couples stop trying so hard, sometimes it just happens, is one big reason why he wants to reconcile so badly. And it surely is a factor in me getting my head out of ass.

Edited September 18, 2018 by TheRainbow

[JuneL]

This whole thread is so full of inconsistencies and is so all over the place.

 

I am too tired to go back and find the exact quotes when you described how you lust after your errogant cocky ex-boss, and how you were thinking of the ex-boss while telling your husband you don’t love him anymore.

 

That said, if you think your ex-boss was as Harvey as you claimed today, then I hope you will file a police report. I am surprised your husband has not pursued things in that direction already.

 

Finally, there is a difference between your boss threatening your job to get sex and a woman using her sex appeal to get what she wants.

 

Goodbye, and all the best.

[TheRainbow]

This whole thread is so full of inconsistencies and is so all over the place.

 

I am too tired to go back and find the exact quotes when you described how you lust after your errogant cocky ex-boss, and how you were thinking of the ex-boss while telling your husband you don’t love him anymore.

 

That said, if you think your ex-boss was as Harvey as you claimed today, then I hope you will file a police report. I am surprised your husband has not pursued things in that direction already.

 

Finally, there is a difference between your boss threatening your job to get sex and a woman using her sex appeal to get what she wants.

 

Goodbye, and all the best.

 

What you are saying isn't false. There was a time that I thought I didn't love my husband. I didn't love the other man either. After my husband wasn't willing to give up the baby as his own, I realized that the other man didn't have this hold over me.

[sandylee1]

What you described is definetly sexual harassment. He cornered you and said you owe him.

 

It seems you got to enjoy it hence you willingly got with him later on...when he had no power over you.

[TheRainbow]

What you described is definetly sexual harassment. He cornered you and said you owe him.

 

It seems you got to enjoy it hence you willingly got with him later on...when he had no power over you.

 

I can't deny that when I got with him later on, I did so willingly yes. Up until the pregnancy yeah, then he started using that against me too. Finding out and telling my husband the truth really helped. I feel like a fool. I hate thinking about it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rainbow, in the light of all that you have said I would urge you again to read the book "Sully". I think you will find it therapeutic and something which will address all the pain, turmoil and low self esteem issues buried deep within you. Although the book is about Captain Sullenberger, principally, what he has written about his wife and how lovingly he describes her sterling qualities and about the great support system she has provided him in a challenging career often at great cost to herself as a wife is something you need to feel deeply to help yourself. Our modern lives are so brittle, materialistic and often so shallow that our spirits rebel within us and lead us down the wrong road more often than not. Whatever happens I wish you the very best. My own opinion is that your husband has earned his place in heaven! Best wishes.

[aliveagain]

I can't deny that when I got with him later on, I did so willingly yes. Up until the pregnancy yeah, then he started using that against me too. Finding out and telling my husband the truth really helped. I feel like a fool. I hate thinking about it.

 

Sometimes you just get what you want, right? You put yourself in all of these situations, you didn't ask for anyone's approval after all this is your life. Having been on the receiving end of raising an affair child with a woman who had a two year affair while with me I can honestly tell you, there is no greater form of disrespect you can show a husband then have a child with another man. There is no getting over that no matter what he tells you now. At least you were honest about it, I had to find out by spending $800 on a DNA test. I am still unlisted even after 10 years, she still tries to find me, that will never happen. The words "I keep on cheating" in your post pretty much says it all, get professional help.

[Jane Deaux]

Wow. There was a time when I was this selfish. I do understand. I don't agree with it, i didn't agree with myself either. My circumstances were never quite like this, but I felt some of the things you describe. I was just in a place mentally where I couldn't find contentment and I took it out on people in my life without really intending to. I am much better now and in a healthier place in my mind. And have moved into a place where I finally know what I need to be happy. Its such a better place to be.

[TheRainbow]

I had a brief conversation with my sister in law who now knows the truth about the baby's paternity. She said she won't say anything about the baby's paternity, but she wanted me to know that I was a piece of work. And that she bet that I got pregnant with my oldest on purpose in order to trap my brother into marrying me. I told her that wasn't true. She said, either way, she never could see what he saw in me.

 

I don't really have a point to this comment. I didn't trap him into marrying me. The pregnancy was 100% unplanned, and he wanted to get married, where I was scared and unsure right up until the day and beyond.

Edited September 26, 2018 by TheRainbow