I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[TheRainbow]

If your husband had cheated and had a baby with the other woman would you see the baby as yours? Feel exactly the same as you do your own child?

 

No I wouldn't honestly.

 

Also, the difference is, my husband wants to be this little girls father. Knowing that he wants, treats, and sees the baby as him, I know him well enough to know he'll expect his family to embrace the baby the same way. That is all I'm saying.

[nittygritty]

No I wouldn't honestly.

 

Also, the difference is, my husband wants to be this little girls father. Knowing that he wants, treats, and sees the baby as him, I know him well enough to know he'll expect his family to embrace the baby the same way. That is all I'm saying.

 

You don’t really know how much of that is contingent on the two of you getting back together. He hasn’t known that long and he still hopes that the two of you will reconcile. His feelings could change if that doesn’t happen. If he hasn’t talked about it to anyone but you then it is still a secret that he is harboring in order to protect you. He is likely ashamed and humiliated by it and willing to do whatever just to try to keep from getting divorced. Which according to you is what he has always done.

[JuneL]

It's not the job title that I was making fun of, so much as at him. He worked an executive job, looked down on people, and acted all superior to everyone else. It's really karma for him. I know karma will probably come my way eventually, but honestly it was deserved for my husband sake.

 

Despite all this, he’s good enough to have an on-off affair with you for a few years. Your husband is wrong, your cheating has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

[nittygritty]

No I wouldn't honestly.

 

Also, the difference is, my husband wants to be this little girls father. Knowing that he wants, treats, and sees the baby as him, I know him well enough to know he'll expect his family to embrace the baby the same way. That is all I'm saying.

 

You also wouldn’t likely want to have the responsibility of pretending to be Grandma to a child that was the result of your daughter’s husband cheating on her with another woman. So why put your 7 month old in that situation rather than keeping her with you most of the time?

[TheRainbow]

You also wouldn’t likely want to have the responsibility of pretending to be Grandma to a child that was the result of your daughter’s husband cheating on her with another woman. So why put your 7 month old in that situation rather than keeping her with you most of the time?

 

Because he wants her. Whether he tells his mother or not, is not my place to judge. He wants to be her father. Eventually she will put two and two together, but I can't control that. I think it's best I stay out of it. He wants to see the baby. He wouldn't understand and would be extremely hurt if he couldn't see her that often. He is moving in 10 days, and then this will be a non issue.

[TheRainbow]

I really do miss him.

 

I do think I did the responsible thing and got seperated so I can work on myself. I can't change I had sex with the other man. I can't change that the other man is a complete loser and I got pregnant by him. I can't change any of that. I wish I could. I wish every morning to the end of every night that I can change those things, but I can't. I have to live with it, my husband has to live with it, and my daughter has to live with it. I know it, I admit to it, and I'm trying my damn best to make good of the situation.

 

I'm trying to do better for myself so I can do better for my children. Whether my husband and I stay together or divorce, I do want to be a better person.

 

As for the other man. I don't want him involved. It may be selfish on the surface, but I really don't think he gives two damns about her. He was pissed off that I didn't want more from him. He was pissed off that my husband got him fired. He's pissed off because his marriage is in the ****ters. I'm a huge part of all the pain his wife must be feeling, and the turmoil his children is going through. As far as I know, no one beside him, his wife, my mother, my husband and I knows about the baby's true paternity. If he wanted to be there for him, wouldn't he have told someone about the baby, or ask to see the baby. He hasn't. Instead, he threatened me, and will tell anyone who will listen what a bitch I am, and on and on and on.

 

I just hope for my daughter's sake, that the only father she knows doesn't abandon her. Whether or not we manage to reconcile, eventually I will tell her the truth. If I had learned anything these past few months is honesty is a good thing. Being honest with myself has been freeing.

[BluesPower]

I really do miss him.

 

I do think I did the responsible thing and got seperated so I can work on myself. I can't change I had sex with the other man. I can't change that the other man is a complete loser and I got pregnant by him. I can't change any of that. I wish I could. I wish every morning to the end of every night that I can change those things, but I can't. I have to live with it, my husband has to live with it, and my daughter has to live with it. I know it, I admit to it, and I'm trying my damn best to make good of the situation.

 

I'm trying to do better for myself so I can do better for my children. Whether my husband and I stay together or divorce, I do want to be a better person.

 

As for the other man. I don't want him involved. It may be selfish on the surface, but I really don't think he gives two damns about her. He was pissed off that I didn't want more from him. He was pissed off that my husband got him fired. He's pissed off because his marriage is in the ****ters. I'm a huge part of all the pain his wife must be feeling, and the turmoil his children is going through. As far as I know, no one beside him, his wife, my mother, my husband and I knows about the baby's true paternity. If he wanted to be there for him, wouldn't he have told someone about the baby, or ask to see the baby. He hasn't. Instead, he threatened me, and will tell anyone who will listen what a bitch I am, and on and on and on.

 

I just hope for my daughter's sake, that the only father she knows doesn't abandon her. Whether or not we manage to reconcile, eventually I will tell her the truth. If I had learned anything these past few months is honesty is a good thing. Being honest with myself has been freeing.

 

You know... I think you are continuing to grow, and I think you will be a better person.

 

Just hang in there and make proper decisions, and move forward...

[nittygritty]

Because he wants her. Whether he tells his mother or not, is not my place to judge. He wants to be her father. Eventually she will put two and two together, but I can't control that. I think it's best I stay out of it. He wants to see the baby. He wouldn't understand and would be extremely hurt if he couldn't see her that often. He is moving in 10 days, and then this will be a non issue.

 

He can still be her father. But if you really want to step up and be honest you could go talk to his mother and tell her. You did this and need to take responsibility for it. That way you are being upfront and honest and she can decide what type of relationship she has with your daughter with the other man, if any. Right now your 7 month old daughter is too young to understand any of it but she is bonding and getting attached to your MIL. Eventually, your MIL will likely know the truth and may decide not to have very much of a relationship with your child from another man or be incapable of treating your daughters the same. And your daughter will be old enough to understand and feel that loss and abandonment by the woman she thought was her grandmother. It’s better to protect your daughter from having to go through that by being honest now.

[JuneL]

But that’s exactly how she tricked her husband into being the father of her affair baby: she wanted her mil to bond with the baby and could accuse her of being cruel if the mil doesn’t treat the baby like her own grandkid when she finds out the truth.

 

He can still be her father. But if you really want to step up and be honest you could go talk to his mother and tell her. You did this and need to take responsibility for it. That way you are being upfront and honest and she can decide what type of relationship she has with your daughter with the other man, if any. Right now your 7 month old daughter is too young to understand any of it but she is bonding and getting attached to your MIL. Eventually, your MIL will likely know the truth and may decide not to have very much of a relationship with your child from another man or be incapable of treating your daughters the same. And your daughter will be old enough to understand and feel that loss and abandonment by the woman she thought was her grandmother. It’s better to protect your daughter from having to go through that by being honest now.

[oldlion]

I think I know a little how your husband thinks. I was Army Special Forces for over 20 years and was gone a lot. If my wife had cheated and had another man's baby, and I accepted that child, I would have treated that child no different than my other children. I think your husband sees it as I would. The child isn't his, biologically, but she is still the sister of his other child, and the daughter of the woman he loves. He understands that the child had nothing to do with the way it was brought into the world. She did not get to chose who her father or mother was. That choice was made for her by people who where self centered, thinking only of themselves and to ostracize her because of that is not only stupid but totally unfair. Me, I believe any low life male who does his thinking with his penis can be a sperm donor to a willing or unwilling female and produce a baby. It takes someone with some character, emotion, love, and commitment to be a DAD. I appears to me that your husband has these traits. Even if you divorce, be grateful that once upon a time fate put a man of honor, integrity, loyalty, and commitment in your life, even if you didn't keep him. I do wish you well.

[TheRainbow]

But that’s exactly how she tricked her husband into being the father of her affair baby: she wanted her mil to bond with the baby and could accuse her of being cruel if the mil doesn’t treat the baby like her own grandkid when she finds out the truth.

 

That is farthest from the truth. If I had any intention of passing the baby off as his, I wouldn't have even told him. My mother in law never really had a bond to the baby until we moved back here in July, and he knew for a few weeks since then. I can be faulted for not being upfront with him when I found out I was pregnant, but to think I used my MIL as a tool to trick him is far from the truth.

[anika99]

That is farthest from the truth. If I had any intention of passing the baby off as his, I wouldn't have even told him. My mother in law never really had a bond to the baby until we moved back here in July, and he knew for a few weeks since then. I can be faulted for not being upfront with him when I found out I was pregnant, but to think I used my MIL as a tool to trick him is far from the truth.

 

 

I don't think you did that either. I think you have treated your husband horribly but I don't get the people here who are insisting that you have to tell your MIL so that she has the opportunity to reject your baby. You have done enough to betray your husband so I don't think you should be going behind his back to talk to his mother. If he wants her to know then it's up to him to tell her.

 

And I don't think she would reject your baby anyways. Not if she already loves her. I know if I found out one of my grandchildren wasn't biologically mine due to my daughter in law having an affair it wouldn't change my feelings for that child at all. I'd be mighty upset at my daughter in law but that grandchild would still be the same child to me. If I did try to reject her I'm pretty sure my son would set me straight on that.

[TheRainbow]

Sooner or later the truth will come out. I rather it come from my husband then for them to find out another way. For the first few months she had no hair and looked so much like my oldest daughter at birth, but by five/six months, red hair started to come in. Like copper red hair, and she is pale where my husband has a darker complexion, not tanned, but just darker. She has similar features to our oldest, but she still looks different and I hate to say it, she is looking more and more like the other man. I think once this baby is born, it'll be even more evident.

[whammy]

I don’t get it. You’ve had numerous affairs. You said at the beggining you didn’t want to be married and you don’t love him, so that’s why you separated. You’ve said you want to feel worthy of love... your husband has bent over backwards to prove you are. You owe everything to this man and you’ve done nothing but spit in his face. Honestly, where would you be right now in life without him?

 

So I ask, do you want to be with your husband. No bull****... no side stepping... no excuses.... yes or no? You say you want to be a better person, what’s stopping you? Why on God’s green earth do you need to be separated to do so? How is it better for you? How is it easier? What exactly are you doing to be a better person that you couldn’t do by his side. You want to stop dragging him through the mud? So stop. He helped you becone who you are while you spit in His face and after all that you pay him back with seperation? So you can become a better person? Huh? And after all this NOW your finally faithful, when you’re no longer with him? He does all the work and takes all the shots to the chin and heart so the next guy can get the reward of a better you? Why can’t you be married to him and improve yourself? You say your being honest with yourself... so I ask again do you actually WANT to be with your husband? Simply yes or no.

[JuneL]

But that’s because you’ve already bonded with the kids. If you found out one of the kids was not your son’s way before the kid was born, would you not think it’s the biological parents responsibility to raise the kid?

 

Plus, it’s always easy for us outsiders to say I would treat all the kids the same. The truth is, many if not most parents or grandparents play favoritism even when all the kids are biological. There’s a poster on here who chose to give up the 1-year-old baby when he found out his then wife did the same to him.

 

I wanted to know why the OP chose not to tell her husband that he might not be the father when she learned that she's pregnant, and why she chose to have unprotected sex with the OM when she and her husband were trying to have a baby. These actions went far far beyond sex addiction or wanting attention from men.

 

I don't think you did that either. I think you have treated your husband horribly but I don't get the people here who are insisting that you have to tell your MIL so that she has the opportunity to reject your baby. You have done enough to betray your husband so I don't think you should be going behind his back to talk to his mother. If he wants her to know then it's up to him to tell her.

 

And I don't think she would reject your baby anyways. Not if she already loves her. I know if I found out one of my grandchildren wasn't biologically mine due to my daughter in law having an affair it wouldn't change my feelings for that child at all. I'd be mighty upset at my daughter in law but that grandchild would still be the same child to me. If I did try to reject her I'm pretty sure my son would set me straight on that.

[TheRainbow]

I wanted to know why the OP chose not to tell her husband that he might not be the father when she learned that she's pregnant, and why she chose to have unprotected sex with the OM when she and her husband were trying to have a baby. These actions went far far beyond sex addiction or wanting attention from men.

 

I was selfish. I was convinced that the baby would have been my husbands. We had been trying, tracking my ovulation, and the whole nine yards and thought for sure the odds of it being anyone but his, even though he had fertility issues was still greater. The other man and I didn't use protection all the time, and I did use spermicide a few times, I thought I would have nothing to worry about.

 

Then I came on here, the guilt was eating at me on the inside, so I decided to get a DNA test, and honestly only ever had the intention of telling him if the baby wasn't his. Which I ended up doing.

 

... Honestly, where would you be right now in life without him?

 

So I ask, do you want to be with your husband. No bull****... no side stepping... no excuses.... yes or no? .....

 

I would probably still be in a dark place, being abused by my ex-boyfriend and I just don't even want to go there.

 

At this moment I want to be with him. I'm afraid of keeping hurting him. I feel like we can't have a marriage if I'm suffocating him every day with my god damn problems.

 

I don't even know how to approach how I feel to him.

[JuneL]

You know what, your husband should see a therapist to explore why he’s so eager to be your doormat before you even think about getting back together. Most here only see how kind a man he is. To be honest, if I were his mother and knew what you’ve done to him, I wouldn’t just be extremely pissed off at you, but I would also be extremely disappointed about having raised a son who is so lacking in setting his boundaries. He seemed to think only the OM is evil, and that’s why he busted his affair leading to his divorce and job loss.

[TheRainbow]

You know what, your husband should see a therapist to explore why he’s so eager to be your doormat before you even think about getting back together. Most here only see how kind a man he is. To be honest, if I were his mother and knew what you’ve done to him, I wouldn’t just be extremely pissed off at you, but I would also be extremely disappointed about having raised a son who is so lacking in setting his boundaries. He seemed to think only the OM is evil, and that’s why he busted his affair leading to his divorce and job loss.

 

I'm his wife and the source of all of this, but I even thought this. I told him I thought he needed to see a counsellor because I couldn't and still can't figure out why he lets me treat him so poorly. I do think if we didn't have children, he would have left me. He had broken up with a college girlfriend before we met, so I can't think of another reason why he'd want to stay with me. But I had stopped commenting about that because some were making it seem like I was blame shifting which is not what I was trying to do at all.

 

As for his actions toward the other man. It's no surprise. He is egoistic in that regard. If another man steps on his territory for any reason, he doesn't take kindly to it. When he first found out about the first affair, I do think he had a hand in getting the other man transferred. The second time when he didn't get the hint, in his mind this man was dangerous. It's like an ego thing. I could be off base, but I think he felt threatened and did what he had to do to keep the other man away.

 

That is just what I think.

[JuneL]

I only read his opening post on the other forum. I think his then gf was not ready to settle down (she wanted to see the world or to establish her career). So it’s not clear who left whom. I have this theory that he has this hangup about playing happy family and playing the great husband and the great dad, and is willing to do what it takes to preserve this image.

 

I'm his wife and the source of all of this, but I even thought this. I told him I thought he needed to see a counsellor because I couldn't and still can't figure out why he lets me treat him so poorly. I do think if we didn't have children, he would have left me. He had broken up with a college girlfriend before we met, so I can't think of another reason why he'd want to stay with me. But I had stopped commenting about that because some were making it seem like I was blame shifting which is not what I was trying to do at all.

 

As for his actions toward the other man. It's no surprise. He is egoistic in that regard. If another man steps on his territory for any reason, he doesn't take kindly to it. When he first found out about the first affair, I do think he had a hand in getting the other man transferred. The second time when he didn't get the hint, in his mind this man was dangerous. It's like an ego thing. I could be off base, but I think he felt threatened and did what he had to do to keep the other man away.

 

That is just what I think.

[TheRainbow]

I only read his opening post on the other forum. I think his then gf was not ready to settle down (she wanted to see the world or to establish her career). So it’s not clear who left whom. I have this theory that he has this hangup about playing happy family and playing the great husband and the great dad, and is willing to do what it takes to preserve this image.

 

He broke up with her because he was reaching thirty, and wanted to settle down. She had told him once she was done school, they would get married. But she changed her mind about getting married and having kids. That is what he told me.

 

I always wondered what he'd do if she came back into the picture now, and wanted what he wanted all along. From what I heard, his family liked her, all his friends liked her. His mother took the break up hard, and took her changing her mind hard and treated her really badly. Would my mother in law openly take her back, especially since she never liked me and will dislike me so much more sooner or later. I don't know. I'm just rambling on.

Edited September 6, 2018 by TheRainbow

[TheRainbow]

Maybe I should just get back together with him instead of putting both myself and him through this. I had a really really ****ty day. He noticed when I dropped off something. We talked and I just kind of broke down, sadness, physical pain, and hormones, I don't know what it was, but I told him I missed him. He hugged me and said he missed me too. And then I left. Because I keep giving this guy missed messages. It's not a lie that I missed him. I've been thinking about him all week. I wanted him. Like how can I go from May when I was so ready to end this marriage, to know and just wish he was here with me. What is wrong with me?

Edited September 8, 2018 by TheRainbow

[DKT3]

Rainbow, I really think you guys should table all of the relationship stuff until after the baby is born. It really sounds unhealthy, physically.

 

I think it would be wise to move back but stay separate to eliminate the stress or at least limit it. Sounds like all the mental and emotional aspects of what next is putting your baby at risk.

[DKT3]

You know what, your husband should see a therapist to explore why he’s so eager to be your doormat before you even think about getting back together. Most here only see how kind a man he is. To be honest, if I were his mother and knew what you’ve done to him, I wouldn’t just be extremely pissed off at you, but I would also be extremely disappointed about having raised a son who is so lacking in setting his boundaries. He seemed to think only the OM is evil, and that’s why he busted his affair leading to his divorce and job loss.

 

Listen, her husband is a saver, he wants to save her and likely has from the very start. The drama she created and continues to create feeds his need to save her. The problem is he isnt really aware of who he is saving. He hasn't really stopped to see who she is. It's very clear in his writing. I dont get the feeling that he has any intimate knowledge of his wife. only the damsel in distress so the hero to the rescue.

[JuneL]

Listen, her husband is a saver, he wants to save her and likely has from the very start. The drama she created and continues to create feeds his need to save her. The problem is he isnt really aware of who he is saving. He hasn't really stopped to see who she is. It's very clear in his writing. I dont get the feeling that he has any intimate knowledge of his wife. only the damsel in distress so the hero to the rescue.

 

It could well be. Well then he needs to explore why he has this need to play hero. It’s entirely his choice, but I just feel sorry for the kids. You know what, if I were one of their kids, I might grow up resenting him as well. If the unborn baby is a boy, I can already imagine him growing up hating women.

 

The OP is clearly pretty skilled at playing her victim card and manipulating her husband, partly unconsciously.

Edited September 8, 2018 by JuneL

[TheRainbow]

I went to the ER last night because I couldn't take the joint pain anymore. They did give me a muscle relaxer, and some morphine. They did some tests and found nothing wrong with me or the baby, so I was sent home. I'm going to look into getting a second opinion because I can't function like this. I vow this is my last pregnancy because it's taken its toll on me emotionally, physically and psychologically.

 

I am strongly considering temporary moving back in with my husband at the very least until this pregnancy is over. He suggested that he is worried about me, and something happening and no one being there to help me.

Edited September 8, 2018 by TheRainbow