I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[TheRainbow]

On the surface we parent well, we communicate well, our sex life is excellent, we have a lot of fun together, great chemistry and we rarely argue. He's a great husband, and he has told me that he thinks I'm a great wife, except for the cheating.

 

There is something wrong with me. I treat him like ****, I take him for granted, cheating and looking at other men for something I'm not even sure what it is. I have done a lot of research and soul-searching, and they call it the classic cake eater. He kept giving me a chance after chance, and I keep cheating. I'm not trying to blame him, but he doesn't give me any consequences.

 

I don't want to keep hurting him. His family is already encouraging him to go date other women to forget about me. My husband says they are questioning our daughter's paternity which he is denying. They never really cared for me, because I was always the undereducated rebound that invaded his life. Wherever I go, I always had that worthless, stupid tag following me.

 

I had an ex in high school who was six years older than me, who constantly told me how stupid I was. He used me for sex, and I kept it from my parents. Eventually, I dropped out of high school to turn to stripping. My parents were as supportive as they could be, but it wasn't until my husband asked me out that I stopped that lifestyle.

 

I fast forward now, I have a grade twelve and some skills, so I'm not hopeless. I am capable of working at an honest job, and I'm a great mother. Maybe I should focus on what I can do. I'm not worthy of being his wife, or anyone's partners. I can only keep working on myself, and maybe one day I can be healthy enough to fulfill that role.

[Dreamer2017]

Rainbow,

 

You are worthy if you take the right steps. Start today and stay positive and seek the counseling. You will also need a support team during this process. Guess what, your husband is willing to be a member. It is not too late!!!!

[DKT3]

On the surface we parent well, we communicate well, our sex life is excellent, we have a lot of fun together, great chemistry and we rarely argue. He's a great husband, and he has told me that he thinks I'm a great wife, except for the cheating.

 

There is something wrong with me. I treat him like ****, I take him for granted, cheating and looking at other men for something I'm not even sure what it is. I have done a lot of research and soul-searching, and they call it the classic cake eater. He kept giving me a chance after chance, and I keep cheating. I'm not trying to blame him, but he doesn't give me any consequences.

 

I don't want to keep hurting him. His family is already encouraging him to go date other women to forget about me. My husband says they are questioning our daughter's paternity which he is denying. They never really cared for me, because I was always the undereducated rebound that invaded his life. Wherever I go, I always had that worthless, stupid tag following me.

 

I had an ex in high school who was six years older than me, who constantly told me how stupid I was. He used me for sex, and I kept it from my parents. Eventually, I dropped out of high school to turn to stripping. My parents were as supportive as they could be, but it wasn't until my husband asked me out that I stopped that lifestyle.

 

I fast forward now, I have a grade twelve and some skills, so I'm not hopeless. I am capable of working at an honest job, and I'm a great mother. Maybe I should focus on what I can do. I'm not worthy of being his wife, or anyone's partners. I can only keep working on myself, and maybe one day I can be healthy enough to fulfill that role.

Now this is something that finally makes sense. I think this is your starting point and what is behind your behavior.

[BaileyB]

On the surface we parent well, we communicate well, our sex life is excellent, we have a lot of fun together, great chemistry and we rarely argue. He's a great husband, and he has told me that he thinks I'm a great wife, except for the cheating.

 

There is something wrong with me. I treat him like ****

 

I fast forward now, I have a grade twelve and some skills, so I'm not hopeless. I am capable of working at an honest job, and I'm a great mother. Maybe I should focus on what I can do. I'm not worthy of being his wife, or anyone's partner.

 

I'm not meaning to be dismissive of your struggle or put you down in any way... I'm trying to understand... You say that he is a great man, you communicate well, you parent well together, you have intimacy, you are compatible, and you work well together...

 

And yet, you say that you have treated him like ****. Do you treat other people this way? Is your bad behavior reserved only for your husband - the man who has been a good partner to you and a wonderful husband to your children.

 

I mean, how does this happen? You are capable of showing care and consideration toward your children, your parents, your friends, the people you meet on the street... But, for some reason you feel you have the right to treat your husband like ****. That is a serious character flaw.

 

Maybe you don't treat others that way because you know they would not allow it. While you know that you can do this to your husband because he loves you and he rather unfortunately, has tolerated it and allowed it to continue.

 

Dare I say it, you are like the bully on the playground who picks a target and goes after the weaker child... Does it make you feel stronger, more powerful, more important when you abuse your husband in this way? Why do you feel the need to do that to someone?

 

And then, like the playground bully... You say "Guys, I know. I'm not a good person for doing this. He is a good man, I shouldn't do this... I know that I should treat him better. I'm working on it. I'm not going to hurt him anymore..."

 

Maybe it's just me, but it's so disingenuous. If you don't want to hurt your husband more, if you want to treat him with the kindness and respect that you are capable of treating your children, your parents, your friends, and the people you meet on the street - why don't you? At a certain point, you just have to require more of yourself!

 

My goodness... You get along well, communicate, parent well together, have good sex... All the things that even good people in struggling relationships try to acheive... Why is it so hard for you to treat this man with kindness and not have sex with another man? I understand, your past has influenced who you are and how you have developed emotionally... But, if you can treat your parents and your children with kindness and respect, why can you not do it for your husband?

[TheRainbow]

And yet, you say that you have treated him like ****. Do you treat other people this way? Is your bad behavior reserved only for your husband - the man who has been a good partner to you and a wonderful husband to your children.

 

That is a good question and something I'm working toward finding an answer too. I am or at least I think I am respectful toward other people. I do speak my mind and I've been described as bold and assertive. Toward my husband I don't call him down, I compliment him, and tell him I appreciate him, that he is a good father, etc. But my best bet is deep down I don't feel worthy, that I self-sabotage. What I don't understand is why he wants me, why he doesn't give me any consequences. He's not all right with it, but tolerates it.

 

Deep down I just want to show everyone that I'm not stupid. That I'm worth something. I never got any counselling for my own deep routed issues. My parents seemed to back off of my poor choices when I married my husband. They don't know the things I have done to them, and I'm ashamed that they have this false illusion of me.

 

The longer I'm apart from him, the more I really miss him.

[TheRainbow]

On another note, I have a counsellor, who I have seen twice already. I'm still on my husband's insurance so taking advantage of it until I have to cover them on my own.

 

My counsellor is starting to think I have emotional attachment issues and seek attachment to men who see me as inferior. I know the other man saw me as less than. I was his big bad secret until my husband exposed us both.

Edited August 15, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BaileyB]

Deep down I just want to show everyone that I'm not stupid. That I'm worth something.

 

The longer I'm apart from him, the more I really miss him.

 

My friend, the person who decides that you are not stupid and worth something is you. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what your parents think anymore. The person you need to prove that to now - is you.

 

It’s quite clear that your emotional development was stunted at a very early age... and, it’s quite clear from your time as a stripper and your history of cheating that you get your validation from men... that’s a lot to discuss in therapy...

 

I’m sorry, perhaps I was a little harsh in what I was saying... it’s hard to listen to you berate yourself, break up your family, and then say.... “I don’t get it! I wish I could do better....”

 

It’s just hard to imagine those three little faces... I can’t imagine how you will explain to those children - we got along well, we had fun together, we communicated well, we didn’t fight, we parented well together, we loved each other and we had great sex... but, our family just couldnt be together.

 

I hope you continue with the counselling. I hope you find your way... you simply can not stay with this man if you are going to continue to cheat on him and treat him like ****... but, if you can become a better person and keep your family together - well, perhaps your owe it to them to try. I don’t know...

[TheRainbow]

I hope you continue with the counselling. I hope you find your way... you simply can not stay with this man if you are going to continue to cheat on him and treat him like ****... but, if you can become a better person and keep your family together - well, perhaps your owe it to them to try. I don’t know...

 

For right now I do believe we need some time apart. I need to spend more time working on myself. I hope my husband does his own soul-searching because while he would be supportive, in the long term he needs to be a stronger person for himself.

 

 

 

Thanks I appreciate all the kind words and the reality checks.

Edited August 15, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BaileyB]

For right now I do believe we need some time apart. I need to spend more time working on myself. I hope my husband does his own soul-searching. Thanks

 

That’s a better option than staying together if you are truly not able to do that.

 

Despite everything, it does appear that you have both worked to do your best to support your children and not put them in the middle of a war. I certainly respect that.

 

Best wishes.

[TheRainbow]

Despite everything, it does appear that you have both worked to do your best to support your children and not put them in the middle of a war. I certainly respect that.

 

Our daughter is oblivious. She told both my mom, and my mother in law that she doesn't understand what is going on. That both her dad and I never fight and were happy. So she is blindsided. I told her we both love her and her sister, but have some issues that we have to work on a part, and reassured her it's nothing she did. We haven't told her about the pregnancy yet.

[TheRainbow]

After my ultrasound (baby is doing well) I asked my husband to meet and talk. I just wanted to get on the same page. I was honest with him that I wasn't sure at this point what I wanted, but that I did miss him. That I have my issues to worry about before I can even think clearly about our marriage. He said he understood, but I don't know if he does. We did end up talking about us, the baby, unborn baby and his doubts. I did ask him if he was going to be at the hospital for the birth, and he said he was, unless I turned around and told him he wasn't the father.

 

He started to feel bad for doubting me, when I kind of got mad, not super angry, but told him that he should question everything I say, that he should be downright pissed. He then said it's hard for him to be mean. I said what everyone seems to say, that you can still be a nice guy, compassionate without being walked all over. That he can demand a DNA test, before he does anything, etc.

 

We talked for a good few hours, and before he left for the night, we had sex. He initiated it, and I obliged. IT was nice, and I almost invited him to stay the night, but I ended up ending the night right then and there.

Edited August 20, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BaileyB]

Do you really think it was wise to have sex with the man, when he has told you that he wants you back and you have insisted that you want to separate/divorce? How does that help either one of you to separate and figure out your own feelings...

 

Never mind the fact that the last time you showed such poor impulse control, it resulted in a baby which makes your situation infinitely more complicated that it already was...

 

I read this, and I just shake my head...

[JuneL]

Do you really think it was wise to have sex with the man, when he has told you that he wants you back and you have insisted that you want to separate/divorce? How does that help either one of you to separate and figure out your own feelings...

 

Never mind the fact that the last time you showed such poor impulse control, it resulted in a baby which makes your situation infinitely more complicated that it already was...

 

I read this, and I just shake my head...

 

It’s quite clear she’ll just do anything to satisfy her immediate gratification without considering any consequences. I just feel sorry for her kids.

[JuneL]

It’s quite clear she’ll just do anything to satisfy her immediate gratification without considering any consequences. I just feel sorry for her kids.

 

And she really got the nerve to say she’s a good mother. No decent mother would put her kids through such a huge mess.

[TheRainbow]

He wanted it so I gave it to him. We made it clear that this doesn't mean we are getting back together, just that we have sexual needs. I'm all ready pregnant, so can't exactly get pregnant again, and he is free of STD's so he is really a safe choice.

[BaileyB]

He wanted it so I gave it to him. We made it clear that this doesn't mean we are getting back together, just that we have sexual needs. I'm all ready pregnant, so can't exactly get pregnant again, and he is free of STD's so he is really a safe choice.

 

The fact that he wanted it, doesn’t mean that it was right for you to give it to him... In much the same way that an addict wants drugs - you have enabled him by giving him his drug of choice. And in so doing, you continue to make things more and more confusing...

 

My friend, either you are in this marriage or you are out! I’m sorry, but you have the impulse control, the judgment, and the ability to make a decision based on an understanding of the consequences like a teen. You can not continue to toy with this man like he is a puppet on a string... It is immature, selfish, and very, very wrong.

Edited August 20, 2018 by BaileyB

[TheRainbow]

You can not continue to toy with this man like he is a puppet on a string... It is immature, selfish, and very, very wrong.

 

 

This is something I need to explore internally. Here I didn't have ill intentions. I hear about couples who are separated or even divorced who still maintain a sexual relationship. I thought having sex with him would be a safe option, instead of sleeping with multiple men, which I'm forcing myself not too.

 

This kind of feedback gives me something to bring up with the therapist and gives me something to think about.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Rainbow,

 

You are still married to the man and therefore, it's not morally nor legally wrong to do this; the only drawback it might give him a fault hope for reconciliation. I'm glad you have decided not to sleep with other men. That is a good first step.

 

I do believe you have some major issues in your life that you must resolve. I also believe you don't want a divorce from your husband. Deep down inside you know that he's a good man.

 

It is good that you are seeing a therapist and that process might help you with your marriage. I believe you want to reconcile but don't know how to do it.

 

Dreamer

[BaileyB]

You are still married to the man and therefore, it's not morally nor legally wrong to do this; the only drawback it might give him a fault hope for reconciliation.

 

I believe that you don't have ill intentions.

 

But, exactly this. It seems to me, based on what you have written, that you may be able to separate sex from feelings. It also seems to me, based on what you have written, that this is more difficult for your husband. And for that reason, what you are doing is not good.

 

You know that he wants to reconcile, are you not concerned that sex will give him false hope that it is a very real possibility... he needs only bide his time. That's not fair to do to him - you are sending him mixed messages and that is not fair.

 

In this time during which you have asked for a separation because you admit that you have some things to sort out and you insist that you want to be alone to do that - how do you think that you (and your husband) will be able to do that if you are still having sex? Sex bonds people together - how are you supposed to make a decision about possible separation if you are still having sex with him?

Edited August 20, 2018 by BaileyB

[Colin Grant]

1) You have issues with your husband which is why you wish to divorce.

 

2) Your husband has issues with you, however he doesn't want to divorce.

 

3) Your issues lie in his passive disposition.

 

4) Your husband's issues is that you have sex with other people and can't guarantee or even want to be exclusive to him.

 

5) The ONLY issues of any significance is yours.

 

6) Your husband has to resolve his issues and accept yours. Which means one person is responsible for both. If he turned the cheek and said nothing of your betraying ways, you might not even be on this board, as everything would be just fine. He has to accept your issues (or divorce cause you're not changing) and he also has to fix his issues.

 

7) It's all about you.

 

Conclusion: I laid this out numerically just so that you can easily see the simplicity of this situation and how it's solely centered around you. What YOU want him to be and what YOU are unwilling to do for him and would rather divorce him than change for him.

 

His issues with you don't matter. Only your issues of him matter, hence instead of pleasing your husband, you opt to not even deal with your issues for him as you deem him unworthy.

 

If you deemed him worthy of a better you, you would work on yourself and provide him with this. Your issues are severe, yet easy to solve. Just remain exclusive. It's so easy, yet you will (not can't) not provide this gift for him. That's the bottom line.

 

The offer to divorce isn't because you don't want to hurt him anymore, it's because your are simply unwilling and deem him unworthy of changing.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Colin Grant

[TheRainbow]

Things have been weird since Friday. Besides dropping and picking up the children from one another, our texts are brief, and when we do see each other in person, he is like rushing to get me or like today when he came to my house to pick up the girls, couldn't get away fast enough. It's weird.

 

Edited to add: I'm wondering if something is bothering him. I know I need to detach, but it is bothering me, and it shouldn't because I don't really have the right to.

Edited August 23, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BaileyB]

Things have been weird since Friday. Besides dropping and picking up the children from one another, our texts are brief, and when we do see each other in person, he is like rushing to get me or like today when he came to my house to pick up the girls, couldn't get away fast enough. It's weird.

 

Edited to add: I'm wondering if something is bothering him. I know I need to detach, but it is bothering me, and it shouldn't because I don't really have the right to.

 

You confused him with the sex last week. He has withdrawn from you because he's confused and hurting. It's not hard to understand why...

 

There is good reason why people who are in the middle of a separation/divorce don't usually have sex anymore...

[JS84]

Do not sleep with him again. Why would you think that's a good idea to begin with? Your intentions don't matter. Your actions do. And yours are still pretty ****ty. The sad thing (for your husband) is while you seem aware of it, you still don't really seem to get it.

 

Stop sleeping with him. Stop talking to him about your feelings. Stop talking to him about how confused you are. All you're doing is ****ing with his head and making it harder for HIM to move on from you, which he desperately needs to do so he can have a healthy relationship with someone else. The only things you should be talking about are the children, finances, living arrangements and divorce. There shouldn't be any physical contact, especially sex, considering your situation.

 

And I wouldn't compare your situation to others. Having illegitimate children and passing it off as your husband's, multiple affairs, cheating on the night before your wedding, etc.

 

I'm not trying to come down on you or anything but you really need to pull your head out of your ass. For your husband and your children's sake at least. You've caused all of them enough damage.

Edited August 23, 2018 by JS84

[nittygritty]

He wanted it so I gave it to him. We made it clear that this doesn't mean we are getting back together, just that we have sexual needs. I'm all ready pregnant, so can't exactly get pregnant again, and he is free of STD's so he is really a safe choice.

 

If you had said “no” to having sex with him, how do you think he would react? Would he still be as supportive (including financial) and cooperative?

 

How do you know that he is STD free?

[Orokotikki]

Do not sleep with him again. Why would you think that's a good idea to begin with? Your intentions don't matter. Your actions do. And yours are still pretty ****ty. The sad thing (for your husband) is while you seem aware of it, you still don't really seem to get it.

 

Stop sleeping with him. Stop talking to him about your feelings. Stop talking to him about how confused you are. All you're doing is ****ing with his head and making it harder for HIM to move on from you, which he desperately needs to do so he can have a healthy relationship with someone else. The only things you should be talking about are the children, finances, living arrangements and divorce. There shouldn't be any physical contact, especially sex, considering your situation.

 

And I wouldn't compare your situation to others. Having illegitimate children and passing it off as your husband's, multiple affairs, cheating on the night before your wedding, etc.

 

I'm not trying to come down on you or anything but you really need to pull your head out of your ass. For your husband and your children's sake at least. You've caused all of them enough damage.

 

This is so true.

You say your husband has no backbone but you have no idea the turmoil, sadness, and rage that rumbles inside him.

 

You are playing a dangerous game, do not push a man until he breaks.

It happens.

 

He is being smart to withdraw from you and you would be smart to do the same.