I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[DKT3]

Again, my point is these are two separate matters. It's nobody's business but the individual's as to how many people the person sleeps with, for whatever reason. It may be a good reason or a bad reason, that responsibility lies solely with the individual.

 

Cheating is a completely different topic. Two people knowingly and willingly enter into monogamous relationship, and one of them violates that agreement.

Whether they sleep with one person or ten, whether they just kissed, groped, oral or anal, one of the parties can justifiably be hurt.

 

Just from a few random posts, we cannot say anything about OP. Maybe she was conditioned to be a "good girl" but always wanted to have many lovers. But she did the "right thing" and married a nice guy. Maybe she doesn't love him at all as she said earlier, maybe she does, as she recently alluded to. Maybe she is not sure...

 

Again, what she did to her husband is clearly wrong. She should not have cheated, and should not cheat again. Yes, she's not setting a good example for her daughter when she cheats on her father. As long as she is in this marriage, she should not cheat.

 

However, I encourage OP to honestly evaluate whether she truly wants to be monogamous, now or in future. Forget about what your teacher, priest, mom, others told you. Do YOU honestly want to be monogamous? If not, then that's fine..there is nothing wrong with you, as long as you are happy leading a life where you have many lovers, serial or concurrent, if you take the right precautions, etc.

 

But if you are not happy being monogamous, there is no point in entering into monogamous relationships, whether with current husband or a future guy. You should be honest, whether it's with your current husband or with future guys. You really don't want to cheat, as you've realized yourself.

 

I'm only reiterating this because OP has stated in the past that she wants to be monogamous, but it's not possible with her current husband. From the limited info we have here, I find it far-fetched that there is some guy out there who will miraculously convert OP into a faithful wife.

 

I absolutely disagree that it's no one else's business, but I guess we agree to disagree because this isn't the place for this debate.

[TheRainbow]

Today I see the counsellor, and I'm nervous. I saw one a couple of times back before we officially separated and before the move, but today I'm feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it's because I'm not sure what to expect. So I'll see.

 

I also I took the job, and my husband talked to his friend who is in charge of the position, and he'll call me sometime today or tomorrow with all the details.

 

My daughter who is ten is having a hard time with this transition, so last night I emailed my husband since I find it hard emotionally to be around him, that we need a better custody schedule. I suggested either a 2-2-3 or a 2-2-5 plan. That switching every second day is too much transition and I wanted to know his thoughts at the end of the day today. I hate trying to control the situation but he is wavering, and he works better under strict deadlines. It's in his nature.

 

My youngest daughter also makes it clear she wants Daddy to come home and doesn't like us being apart. She doesn't understand why we have two homes when we always looked so happy. So at least we did a good job sheltering her from the obvious problems in our marriage. But I think we may have just babied her too much.

 

I'm hoping in six months when the mandatory separation is over; I'll be in a better place emotionally. Right now it's been hard. It wasn't the kind of relief I imagined in my head. I miss him; I miss our family, so hoping with time I can get to a place of acceptance there.

 

I thought when I started posting here that I didn't love my husband anymore. I questioned if I ever did. I do believe I do love him, but I took advantage of him. That is obvious. That I took for granted what he had all to offer. I didn't think he'd want me after finding out about my child being fathered by another man. But he still wants to be in her life; he still wants our family. How can I not love someone like that?

 

I just hope though he goes through with his promise of at least trying individual counselling. If not for me, or himself but our children. They deserve a strong, healthy father as they do mother.

 

For the next six months, I'm not going to think about my marriage, or the divorce, but take the time to be a better person. WOrk on my issues, and just play it by year. I can't think rationally when I'm emotional, and I think some much needed time separated will put my real wants into perspective.

 

Thanks for listening everyone.

Edited July 12, 2018 by TheRainbow

[40somethingGuy]

Today I see the counsellor, and I'm nervous. I saw one a couple of times back before we officially separated and before the move, but today I'm feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it's because I'm not sure what to expect. So I'll see.

 

I also I took the job, and my husband talked to his friend who is in charge of the position, and he'll call me sometime today or tomorrow with all the details.

 

My daughter who is ten is having a hard time with this transition, so last night I emailed my husband since I find it hard emotionally to be around him, that we need a better custody schedule. I suggested either a 2-2-3 or a 2-2-5 plan. That switching every second day is too much transition and I wanted to know his thoughts at the end of the day today. I hate trying to control the situation but he is wavering, and he works better under strict deadlines. It's in his nature.

 

My youngest daughter also makes it clear she wants Daddy to come home and doesn't like us being apart. She doesn't understand why we have two homes when we always looked so happy. So at least we did a good job sheltering her from the obvious problems in our marriage. But I think we may have just babied her too much.

 

I'm hoping in six months when the mandatory separation is over; I'll be in a better place emotionally. Right now it's been hard. It wasn't the kind of relief I imagined in my head. I miss him; I miss our family, so hoping with time I can get to a place of acceptance there.

 

I thought when I started posting here that I didn't love my husband anymore. I questioned if I ever did. I do believe I do love him, but I took advantage of him. That is obvious. That I took for granted what he had all to offer. I didn't think he'd want me after finding out about my child being fathered by another man. But he still wants to be in her life; he still wants our family. How can I not love someone like that?

 

I just hope though he goes through with his promise of at least trying individual counselling. If not for me, or himself but our children. They deserve a strong, healthy father as they do mother.

 

For the next six months, I'm not going to think about my marriage, or the divorce, but take the time to be a better person. WOrk on my issues, and just play it by year. I can't think rationally when I'm emotional, and I think some much needed time separated will put my real wants into perspective.

 

Thanks for listening everyone.

How are you going to explain to the kids why you broke up their family and launched their daddy that they love? That day is coming.

[redbaron007]

I absolutely disagree that it's no one else's business, but I guess we agree to disagree because this isn't the place for this debate.

 

This does not apply in a cheating situation. It's no one else's business only if the person is single, or if in a relationship, is truthful about the other people they are seeing.

[Adotta]

How are you going to explain to the kids why you broke up their family and launched their daddy that they love? That day is coming.

 

Honestly that day MAY come for her. But it's not today and throwing that in her face isn't really part of the decision making process for her and won't help the situation.

 

It really feels like you only said that to make her feel like ****. We are trying to help her. not crap on her. Yes she has some issues and has done plenty to destroy her own marriage, but let's not be petty and hurtful for the sake of being hurtful and petty. I get it. I've done it a few times as well, but it's not helpful.

 

Do you have any advice for her or did you just enjoy pissing on her in passing?

[TheRainbow]

My daughter has asked why? My husband told her that we are dealing with some difficult relationship issues that she doesn't need to know about. I asked him what we tell the baby if/when she finds out about the paternity. He just told me we'll figure it out when the time comes, but right now she doesn't need to know and he doesn't think she ever needs to know the full truth.

[BaileyB]

My daughter has asked why? My husband told her that we are dealing with some difficult relationship issues that she doesn't need to know about. I asked him what we tell the baby if/when she finds out about the paternity. He just told me we'll figure it out when the time comes, but right now she doesn't need to know and he doesn't think she ever needs to know the full truth.

 

That’s very noble of him, but I disagree. While I agree that she is probably too young to understand the situation now, to withhold the truth of her paternity from a child is to change who they think they are - forever. And, that’s not fair to her.

 

If he raises her as her father, she will love him as such. But, when she is ready, she deserves to know the truth.

[TheRainbow]

Separation isn't going very well. I couldn't stop myself. The kids went with his parents yesterday for a few days (mutually agreed), so we took the chance to talk. Well, we talked about a custody schedule, which he said he'd agree to whatever I wanted, then we talked about us. I should have shut that down, but I didn't, and it got really emotional and I ended up having sex with him. He left this morning to go to work. I start working on Wednesday. It's just one big mess. I told him that it couldn't happen again, but he said it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed too. I slipped up, and need to re-evaluate.

[DKT3]

Separation isn't going very well. I couldn't stop myself. The kids went with his parents yesterday for a few days (mutually agreed), so we took the chance to talk. Well, we talked about a custody schedule, which he said he'd agree to whatever I wanted, then we talked about us. I should have shut that down, but I didn't, and it got really emotional and I ended up having sex with him. He left this morning to go to work. I start working on Wednesday. It's just one big mess. I told him that it couldn't happen again, but he said it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed too. I slipped up, and need to re-evaluate.

 

Haha, it's not funny in the sense that it could possibly be more painful, it's funny because if I were a betting man, I would bet sex continues in about 99% of cases where you don't hate each other at this point.

 

It's easy to fall back into a routine and that is the real danger. Comfort is hard to give up, and for so long he was your comfort even though I didn't think you loved or respected him. He was safe and comfortable. At the of day he is a big boy, so don't beat yourself up, he knows your intentions.

[Xristine07]

You and I are the same age and I'm very drawn to this post to see how it turns out. We have been married for 6yrs and he's cheated on me with 7 girls. Not all physical, but many. He does have a sex addiction and I stayed strong until girl #6. Then I found myself wandering and have now been having an affair on him for 2 years. I'm like you and very open about it after initially getting caught. I've made it clear that my bf is not going anywhere and that I love the way he makes me feel. My husband is a lot like yours and after we split he doesn't want a divorce and wants to keep trying, but I find myself not wanting to be here. He blames himself for treating me badly and uses this as a coping mechanism that I just don't understand. He leaves and just always comes back.

[TheRainbow]

Then I found myself wandering and have now been having an affair on him for 2 years. I'm like you and very open about it after initially getting caught. I've made it clear that my bf is not going anywhere and that I love the way he makes me feel. My husband is a lot like yours and after we split he doesn't want a divorce and wants to keep trying, but I find myself not wanting to be here.

 

Only I really never wanted the other man in that way. My youngest biological father I don't miss in the least. I hope he stays gone. Earlier in our relationship, I did have some connections to the first two men I had cheated on him with. But with the other man despite being my longest on and off again affair, he was very good sexually, but I didn't love him or really think of him much outside of work. I wanted to separate/divorce because I can't stop hurting my husband. I have strong feelings for him. It's confusing.

[Jamess1]

Did your husband take advantage of this in any way? I know he is the one who a lot of people might have sympathy for, but I am beginning to feel that he took advantage of a very young girl who did not know who she was at the time. Did he use his power and position in a way that you know deep in your subconcious was unfair to you. He gave you materialistic items but I feel he is controlling something. He will not let you be free and live the life you want. He will put you on a guilt trip for cheating but there is something more that he knows he is in the wrong about. Something about him comes off as manipulative.

What ! What ! What !

 

I didn't comment abt the true victim, the husband, becoz the cheating wife was honest and admited she was in the wrong and has issues, and is trying to do the right thing

 

I hope you never have male children : even after reading the whole thread you still think the husband is the bed guy !! If there is such a thing as "racial profiling" then what u hv done is "gender profiling" : he is the man, he must be the bad guy somehow, dig deeper.

 

You give feminism, and gud movements like #metoo a bad name!

Edited July 19, 2018 by Jamess1

[Jamess1]

Correct me if I am wrong, your husband was raised by a single mother right ? And he exhibits the same behaviour towards her as he does to u? A generation of men raised by women, as girls . . . he is a victim of his childhood

 

You were also raised by a single mother right ? If you were stripping by the age of 18, clearly there was no male presense in your life to instill structures of descipline : it's not men u r realy after, u r searching for your father in the many men u sleep with. U r a daddyless daughter.

 

The cycle will continue with your own kids, and even their kids : children dont become what we tell them to be, they become what we 'model' for them to be. Did yo own mother know who yo biological father was ?

 

Hope u get to break the cycle. If want whats best for kids, give full custody to your hasband, until you have dealt with your issues. . .try reading,'transformation of inner man'

[TheRainbow]

Correct me if I am wrong, your husband was raised by a single mother right ? And he exhibits the same behaviour towards her as he does to u? A generation of men raised by women, as girls . . . he is a victim of his childhood

 

You were also raised by a single mother right ? If you were stripping by the age of 18, clearly there was no male presense in your life to instill structures of descipline : it's not men u r realy after, u r searching for your father in the many men u sleep with. U r a daddyless daughter.

 

The cycle will continue with your own kids, and even their kids : children dont become what we tell them to be, they become what we 'model' for them to be. Did yo own mother know who yo biological father was ?

 

Hope u get to break the cycle. If want whats best for kids, give full custody to your hasband, until you have dealt with your issues. . .try reading,'transformation of inner man'

 

You have the whole thing all wrong. My husband wasn't raised by a single mother. His parents are divorced now, but he has a good relationship with both his mom and dad.

 

My mom isn't a whore. I know who my dad is, and I have a decent relationship with both my parents even though they have been apart more than half my life. Choosing to be a stripper really had nothing to do with my parents as much as something else I'm not going to get into.

 

I have issues and made some selfish decisions and my husband is far, far from perfect, but neither one of us is better than the other when it comes to our childre. I'd never give full custody of my kids, or would I expect him to.

Edited July 20, 2018 by TheRainbow

[TheRainbow]

My husband and I tried to have a baby before I started up my affair again. It was male factor infertility, and despite surgery, it never happened.

 

Well, I have been under a lot of stress, and I noticed I was later. Put two and two together, took a test, and it's positive. It's been months since I've been with the other man, had my period six weeks ago, and had only had sex with my husband in this time frame. I seriously don't know what to do.

 

This is seriously ****ed up, and I don't know how to tell him. I finally got the courage to put the sham of a marriage to rest, and this sprung up on me. :sick:.

[ElKay]

My husband and I tried to have a baby before I started up my affair again. It was male factor infertility, and despite surgery, it never happened.

 

Well, I have been under a lot of stress, and I noticed I was later. Put two and two together, took a test, and it's positive. It's been months since I've been with the other man, had my period six weeks ago, and had only had sex with my husband in this time frame. I seriously don't know what to do.

 

This is seriously ****ed up, and I don't know how to tell him. I finally got the courage to put the sham of a marriage to rest, and this sprung up on me. :sick:.

A third child? It's hard not to feel like this is all from a drama storyline instead of the truth. :/

[Adotta]

And you wonder why people told you to stop having sex with him.......

 

Obviously stbxh of yours will want to keep it. Even if it wasn't his he would probably keep it.

 

You really know how to walk yourself in to messy situations, don't You?

 

Tell him. The sooner the better. Make a decision.

 

Don't let this be an excuse to stay. You stay with him because you want to be with him. NOT because of a baby. He deserves you being with him for the right reasons.

 

ALSO a poster said you may be looking for a daddy type and I think you misunderstood a bit. Your mother doesn't have to be a whore to miss teaching you some of the things a father would naturally teach a daughter. If your mother was single while raising you and dating , it may have made the multiple men scenario much more normalized in your young mind as well. I watched my mother date 2 or 3 dozen different men as I was growing up and it damaged my viewpoint on women and relationships deeply.

 

He also talked about your husband being a man raised by women... Even if he did have a father it could still be true. I've seen hands off fathers and overly loving mothers ruin a young boy before. They are called mamas

's boys.

 

Your husband has been drip fed the white knight, self sacrificing, bow and worship to your woman attitude from birth most likely.

 

It can be easy for us men to grow up thinking loving a woman means listening to every word she says like it's law and lowering ourselves at all times. Treating women like goddesses or perfect beings. Spoiling and slashing them and accepting any abuse that comes our way in any form because "you are a man suck it up".

 

A lot of media also protrays men chasing women like love struck semi slaves. We are trained to put our women far ahead of ourselves and make thier happyness our priority. Then the family comes and it only gets worse. Our protector instincts take over. Secure the home. Protect the family. Provide food, clothes, cash. Make everyone happy. We can forget to be a living breathing person with our own ideas worries gripes and wants and needs.

 

Too bad women enjoy that, but rarely respect it. Having a servant is nice, but hardly respectable and manly.

 

That's why I like to do a little of both. I do plenty of white knight ultra mushy romantic stuff. I put her needs ahead of my own most times.... , BUT I make sure she respects me and understands that sometimes I want things MY WAY. I use my own "manly" authority and aggressiveness to get it and ..... oddly enough it works. She loves the back and forth. She loves both versions of me. She loves being spoiled AND pushed around a bit. So I take a carrot and stick , soft AND hard aproach.

 

A big thing is not giving in. If she says "I want to go to a B&B This weekend" and I don't care or I want to, I say yes. If I don't like the idea but decide to give in this time I don't complain and then give in(that shows weakness),I simply say "yes, great idea!" If I don't like the idea at all or am busy or something and simply can't do it, then no amount of whining or manipulation will change my mind.

 

All in all, women are crazy. I will never figure them out completely. They drive me nuts at times. I'm a very simple guy. It doesn't take a lot to please me, so head games can seem very odd to me at times.... but it works. Odly enough.

Edited July 22, 2018 by Adotta

[TheRainbow]

I know I need to tell him. But I haven't yet. I know he'll try to sucker me back more than he has all ready.

[JuneL]

This has got to be the thread of the year:bunny:

[nittygritty]

I know I need to tell him. But I haven't yet. I know he'll try to sucker me back more than he has all ready.

 

Sucker you back??? If it weren’t for the kids involved he probably would have already been long gone. But you probably already know that. I don’t know what kind of man that you would prefer over him. Hopefully it’s not one that abuses you or your kids. Best to just abstain from sexual relationships for a long time and just concentrate on being a good parent to your kids.

[TheRainbow]

Sucker you back??? If it weren’t for the kids involved he probably would have already been long gone. But you probably already know that. I don’t know what kind of man that you would prefer over him. Hopefully it’s not one that abuses you or your kids. Best to just abstain from sexual relationships for a long time and just concentrate on being a good parent to your kids.

 

I didn't mean it as an insult to him. I mean, I'm the one who pulled the plug because of guilt and a genuine desire to be better. He doesn't want to divorce, he texts me daily saying that he is thinking of me.

[stillafool]

A third child? It's hard not to feel like this is all from a drama storyline instead of the truth. :/

 

You took the words right out of my mouth. Really? OP I guess this means you will just have to go back to your husband, huh? Surprise.

[nittygritty]

I didn't mean it as an insult to him. I mean, I'm the one who pulled the plug because of guilt and a genuine desire to be better. He doesn't want to divorce, he texts me daily saying that he is thinking of me.

 

Do you think you are going to find a better man? Or do you think being alone is better?

[TheRainbow]

Do you think you are going to find a better man? Or do you think being alone is better?

 

I honestly think he is a fantastic man. But I'm too broken for him. He for whatever reason won't/can't develop a backbone to stop me from emotionally abusing him. I can't begin to work on myself with him around. SO right now being alone is better. But it's one dilemma after another. I wish, so ****ing wish all of this was just part of some soap opera because some days I think this can't be real. But it is, and I have to deal with it.

[JuneL]

A third child? It's hard not to feel like this is all from a drama storyline instead of the truth. :/

 

Who said it has to be the third child? My prediction is that now that there’s another baby coming up, the husband will drop the affair baby like a hot potato.

This surprise would beat the last few