I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[BaileyB]

Whereas there are women out there who would do anything to find a nice, faithful guy... You don't stray because he is too nice, you stray because your moral compass is lacking.

 

Indeed. It's too bad that you didn't show this man the respect that he deserved all along, if he is such a nice, kind, honest, faithful man... A good father with whom you planned and raised both of your children.

 

It must seem a little ridiculous to you now that you hurt this man for some excitement with another man who has proven himself to be unworthy of your trust or affection.

 

When your daughter learns the truth, as she grows older and really understands what you have done and what you have taken from her, well... I can't imagine that she will have warm feelings towards you. Your relationship will be forever changed.

[SoleMate]

Please see a lawyer about the possibility of paternity rights for the AP. The laws are often counter intuitive and typically protect the rights of a married couple to parent any child born to the wife, without interference from any 3rd party. If OP and BH close ranks, it would be very difficult in my jurisdiction for AP to even gain visitation rights. So OP, please see a lawyer to get the exact advice applicable to you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Please see a lawyer about the possibility of paternity rights for the AP. The laws are often counter intuitive and typically protect the rights of a married couple to parent any child born to the wife, without interference from any 3rd party. If OP and BH close ranks, it would be very difficult in my jurisdiction for AP to even gain visitation rights. So OP, please see a lawyer to get the exact advice applicable to you.

 

In some states, even if you know paternity before the baby is born, if you're married, your husband's name goes on the birth certificate even if you're not the dad. I have friends this happened to. They'd been together ten years but she never divorced (ridiculously!) so her long term boyfriend wasn't on the baby's birth certificate. It became a real pain in the neck a few years later when he was trying to get a mortgage....something having to do with taxes, claiming him as a dependent....I can't remember the details now but it was a big hassle. (This was Michigan, by the way).

[BaileyB]

Please see a lawyer about the possibility of paternity rights for the AP. The laws are often counter intuitive and typically protect the rights of a married couple to parent any child born to the wife, without interference from any 3rd party. If OP and BH close ranks, it would be very difficult in my jurisdiction for AP to even gain visitation rights. So OP, please see a lawyer to get the exact advice applicable to you.

 

That would be a blessing... It does not sound like this man would be a good influence on your child (certainly not in his current state) and it would be an absolute shame for your BH and your daughter to lose their relationship.

 

I'm all for the rights of birth parents, but this has the potential to blow up such that it damages your daughter and affects every aspect of her life. The emotional wellbeing of your daughter is most important right now, providing stability and security should be your prime concern.

 

I know you want a divorce, but if you have to stay married and close ranks to protect your daughter... then you may have to man up and do what is necessary. Your decisions in the past have been all about you, now you need to do what is best for your daughter. Talk to a lawyer. Tomorrow.

Edited May 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[JuneL]

That would be a blessing... It does not sound like this man would be a good influence on your child (certainly not in his current state) and it would be an absolute shame for your BH and your daughter to lose their relationship.

 

I'm all for the rights of birth parents, but this has the potential to blow up such that it damages your daughter and affects every aspect of her life. The emotional wellbeing of your daughter is most important right now, providing stability and security should be your prime concern.

 

I know you want a divorce, but if you have to stay married and close ranks to protect your daughter... then you may have to man up and do what is necessary. Your decisions in the past have been all about you, now you need to do what is best for your daughter. Talk to a lawyer. Tomorrow.

 

If they stay married, the OP will continue to have sex with other men and possibly make more babies. Her husband might be fine with this, but it’s very cruel to the babies.

[BaileyB]

If they stay married, the OP will continue to have sex with other men and possibly make more babies. Her husband might be fine with this, but it’s very cruel to the babies.

 

Well, I would hope that she has seen the error of her ways and that would not happen again. This has been a pretty difficult life lesson to learn, and I hope she has learned what she needed to learn.

 

I'm just saying, delaying the divorce, if necessary, to protect her daughter may be a sacrifice that she has to make. If I was her mother, I would stop at nothing to protect my daughter and her relationship with her father, and keep the other man away when he is behaving so impulsively.

Edited May 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[GoldenR]

You must hate your H very much.

 

Divorce him. Go be with you former boss. Live happily ever after. And stop using your doormat H. It's evil.

[TheRainbow]

I absolutely hate myself for putting my family into this predicament. Our daughter, the one that is biologically his, is sensing the tension, and I pray she hasn't overheard something she shouldn't have. We both have been careful about what we say.

 

My husband also is writing up a letter to send his wife. He found her while looking up the other man. I feel duped because I thought he was separated or at the very least was in a bad relationship. But from what my husband showed me, he and her just back in March was in Costa Rica with his wife and children. I didn't know he had children, and I feel that much ****tier for what I had done.

 

I emailed my lawyer, and get some information on paternital rights for the other man and/or how to prevent that. And I'm going to set up some therapy. I am really messed up. Even after everything I put him through he held me last night while I cried over this whole mess. I asked him why when I should be trying to make things better for him. He said that he can't stand to see me cry, and won't go against his instincts.

 

Like damn Why can't I stop sleeping around? Why can't I just love him and appreciate him? At this point so much damage has been done, I don't see any way out. Divorce seems like the only way out of all this.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Like damn Why can't I stop sleeping around? Why can't I just love him and appreciate him? At this point so much damage has been done, I don't see any way out. Divorce seems like the only way out of all this.

 

I think therapy can help you work through these issues. It's at least promising that you don't want to be this person anymore <3.

[GoldenR]

So you're upset bc your married OM is not unhappily married?

 

Unbelievable.

 

Why are you focusing on him? He's irrelevant.

[TheRainbow]

So you're upset bc your married OM is not unhappily married? Why are you focusing on him? He's irrelevant.

 

I'm not so much mad at him as I am at myself. And until I know he can't or won't get parental rights on my youngest, he is relevant. And once his wife finds out because my husband wants to tell her, I think this will be a whole another can of worms opened.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not so much mad at him as I am at myself. And until I know he can't or won't get parental rights on my youngest, he is relevant. And once his wife finds out because my husband wants to tell her, I think this will be a whole another can of worms opened.

 

Yeah, I'll say!

[TheRainbow]

Yeah, I'll say!

 

He says he wants to do it because I shouldn't be the only one to face consequences and he thinks if he has to worry about his own life, he'll back off. I mean he has no job, and has kids, he likely won't have any money to fight me. My husband has a great paying salary, and he wants so badly to be Faith's dad.

[GoldenR]

and he wants so badly to be Faith's dad.

 

I think more than that, he wants to be your KISA. And if you know that you can't commit to him, it may be in his best interest of the biological father is in her life.

[TheRainbow]

I think more than that, he wants to be your KISA. And if you know that you can't commit to him, it may be in his best interest of the biological father is in her life.

 

My husband has sent a message to the other man's wife, with proof of our affair. So depending on how that goes down, I'll have to decide. But right now there is no talking to him about anything. He is threatening me and calling me names, and I have to worry about how to approach this topic to my older daughter. She will be just as affected by this whole mess as my younger daughter. Im waiting to hear back from my lawyer about what rights he has. My husband may be trying to be a KISA, but doesn't change he is a good father, great provider, and unlike me is faithful.

Edited May 28, 2018 by TheRainbow

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sorry, what is KISA?

[GoldenR]

Knight In Shining Armor

[TheRainbow]

She responded and wants to meet my husband. Like my husband is so messed up. He asked me if I would be okay with going to meet her. I'm like why would you need my permission, especially after everything. So he's going to meet her.

 

On a side note, I had made an appointment with a councellor and I'm going to try and urge my husband to do the same. We are both emotionally messed up people.

Edited May 28, 2018 by TheRainbow

[TheRainbow]

Thanks everyone for all the support, even if some of it was hard to hear. My husband met with his wife. And turns out she had no idea this was going on, and she is pissed off, sad, angry. He said she asked him what my intentions were and he basically told her, he wants the other man to back off. He didn't say much else.

 

I did get a response back from my lawyer. I'm putting my divorce on hold temporarily at her advice. At this point, the other man has very little options. He'd have to jump through a lot of hoops, and without a job, or money he'd be battling a losing battle. So right now out of respect for everyone, I'm going to keep no contact with him.

 

I told my husband, and I backed it up by booking an appointment that we need counselling. He suggested a marriage counsellor. I told him basically we have no marriage. I'm cheating, and just told him about a child that wasn't biologically his, and he has no backbone, and that it's not healthy for him not to have a spine and want to divorce me. He asked me if there was no chance for us. I told him right now in the long term there wasn't because I was too damaged by a person, too selfish of a person at this point to commit to him. And that there are no guarantees that in time he won't start resenting the baby. So he hasn't given me a definite he will or he won't attend individual counselling.

Edited May 29, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BluesPower]

So right now out of respect for everyone, I'm going to keep no contact with him.

 

 

Look at this statement, right here. You see, the thought of talking to this creep should not even be in your head/

 

 

This is what you need therapy about, among other things.

 

 

And here is the deal, you know, it does not matter how good this guy is in bed, he is a creep.

 

 

Do you get that, the way that he acted to your husband, kicking him when he down, all of it.

 

 

This is not a good guy, can you see that?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Look at this statement, right here. You see, the thought of talking to this creep should not even be in your head/

 

 

This is what you need therapy about, among other things.

 

 

And here is the deal, you know, it does not matter how good this guy is in bed, he is a creep.

 

 

Do you get that, the way that he acted to your husband, kicking him when he down, all of it.

 

 

This is not a good guy, can you see that?

 

I think she knows this. She doesn't want to be with him.

[BaileyB]

IF, you are going to delay the divorce and "stay together" upon the suggestion of your lawyer, I would think it would be wise to find a really good family counsellor to help you to develop clear boundaries and figure out how to coparent in this increadibly unhealthy situation.

Edited May 29, 2018 by BaileyB

[Be_Strong]

When your husband asks you, “Is there no chance for us?” you needed to be much more blunt and respond, “There’s no chance.” Saying things like “not right now” only serves to make your husband hold out hope and keep fighting for a doomed marriage.

 

One question I have is how you could carry on a multi-year affair with a guy and not know he is married with children. What kind of woman doesn’t Facebook stalk her boyfriend? Your husband seems to have discovered this info in minutes with little effort.

 

I wouldn’t be concerned about the other man and his demands to see the baby. As the legal father, he would have visitation rights, but the cost of that visitation is child support payments for two decades. Also, as you mentioned, he would need to establish his paternity rights in a lawsuit, which would cost money.

 

But, keep in mind that you are playing with fire if you decide to raise this baby as your husband’s child. There’s always a chance that even if the other man goes away for now, he could pop up in 12 years and approach your child and say that he is their real father. Then you have to explain to your child why you’ve been lying all these years.

 

My advice is to go the total honest route here and do everything in a legally proper way. Get divorced and establish that the other man is the father of your baby. The other man will get visitation rights (if he wants it) and will pay you child support. Your ex-husband will get shared custody of the kids and pay you child support for the older child. No more secrets.

[stillafool]

Thanks everyone for all the support, even if some of it was hard to hear. My husband met with his wife. And turns out she had no idea this was going on, and she is pissed off, sad, angry. He said she asked him what my intentions were and he basically told her, he wants the other man to back off. He didn't say much else.

 

I did get a response back from my lawyer. I'm putting my divorce on hold temporarily at her advice. At this point, the other man has very little options. He'd have to jump through a lot of hoops, and without a job, or money he'd be battling a losing battle. So right now out of respect for everyone, I'm going to keep no contact with him.

 

I told my husband, and I backed it up by booking an appointment that we need counselling. He suggested a marriage counsellor. I told him basically we have no marriage. I'm cheating, and just told him about a child that wasn't biologically his, and he has no backbone, and that it's not healthy for him not to have a spine and want to divorce me. He asked me if there was no chance for us. I told him right now in the long term there wasn't because I was too damaged by a person, too selfish of a person at this point to commit to him. And that there are no guarantees that in time he won't start resenting the baby. So he hasn't given me a definite he will or he won't attend individual counselling.

 

Why are you booking a counseling session if you want to divorce him? Why did your attorney advise you to stay in a marriage when you want a divorce?

[Be_Strong]

Why did your attorney advise you to stay in a marriage when you want a divorce?

 

That advice was probably based solely on the other man’s demands with respect to the baby. In the divorce case, things like parentage, custody, and support are all judicially established. The other man could attempt to freeload off a judgment in the divorce that the husband is not the father of the baby, and make his own paternity suit easier. Also, just because the legal proceedings are on hold for the time being doesn’t mean the OP cannot still separate and move on as if she is divorced.