Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

[BettyDraper]

At that point, what difference would it make - he did what he did, talking about why he did it won't help - I know why he did it - he explained it all too clearly for me.

 

All he had to do was give me time, I was trying and now he self destructed everything. I can't even look at him when he comes home tonight. Don't know why he bothered to tell me - at least he was honest and calmly explained it. He wasn't mean about it or condescending

 

Your husband found it in his heart to forgive you for your affair.

He also silently tolerated your unacceptable behavior for years. Since your husband confessed his mistake, I think that you owe yourself and your marriage an attempt to rebuild your union.

 

It seems rather hypocritical to treat your husband like an afterthought for years and then cry foul when he does the same to you. I don't condone your husband's actions but I certainly understand what led him to cheat. He saw that you didn't care about him so he gave you a taste of your own medicine. Maybe it's time to treat your husband the way you would like to be treated.

 

This could be a huge opportunity for growth. You can both learn to be better spouses if both of you are committed to fixing your marriage. For starters, you and your husband need to have regular date nights with each other. Both of you need to stop carousing at bars like you're single. Keep on going to counseling together. Write your husband a letter and apologize for your behavior. In this letter, you can also detail your hurt about his affair and then let him know that you are committed to healing your marriage. Be affectionate with your husband. Pay attention to him.

 

I have vaginismus as well. It doesn't stop me from enjoying a passionate sex life with my husband. I feel a comfort level with him which helps me relax. Our bond is bigger than any of the sexual trauma I have suffered in the past. You could go to a sex therapist and also try using dilators with your husband. Vaginismus can be managed.

[Marc878]

Exit affair

[Maraud3r]

All he had to do was give me time, I was trying and now he self destructed everything. I can't even look at him when he comes home tonight. Don't know why he bothered to tell me - at least he was honest and calmly explained it. He wasn't mean about it or condescending

So you can't even look at him now? Well, if he was honest he unlike you didn't even go all the way. And then after you forgave him for going all the way went out to bars and clubs just the same and when you got upset about that called you controlling and worse before hiding messages, hanging out with other women etc.

 

This is what you've done for YEARS. He GAVE you time. A lot of it. More than any reasonable person would have. He forgave your cheating. He still looked at you. He endured you running roughshod over him for YEARS and he tried to communicate and tell you there were issues with this.

 

When this thread started out many were already convinced he was basically breaking up with you and that you would need to fundamentally change your approach and behaviour. You did not want that, you wanted to stay married yet act like a single. You called him names, blamed him for everything, pretended he was childish and worse.

 

You now got to experience the same behaviour he endured for years for a few weeks and you consider it too toxic. That's telling. And at least in his case it was after he tried to make it work all this time and after he was pretty much done with you. Without the children, he likely would've been gone already.

[Mrin]

Steph,

 

Oh that sucks. That sucks a lot. Can you get away for a few days? That's a lot of emotional turmoil on top of a whole lot of emotional turmoil. I'm going to get brainy right now. Setting aside the whole how did this come about and history thing, I want you to realize you're in your fight or flight part of your brain right now. It is called your limbic brain. It is where we go in times of turmoil, stress and threat. When we are in our limbic systems we really can't have rational thought. We are just in survival mode. You gotta get out of that part of your brain and the best way you can do this right now is to get away. Go see your dad. Or your friend. Or just get a hotel room. But remove yourself from the situation for a few days to get your head clear.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[CatMinx]

What he did was wrong and won’t solve anything but it sounds like you still have yet to acknowledge any of the numerous mistakes you made in the marriage.

 

Steph he absolutely shouldn't have cheated but you were not a good wife to him. Do you understand that?

[GoldenR]

All he had to do was give you time? Seriously? He gave you years! And for years, you ignored him, treated him like your doormat. He was your babysitter while you went out without telling him where or when you'd be home. He told you he didn't like your relationship with your ex-boss, so your answer to that is to have one on one lunches with your ex boss and delete his texts. Add to that you starve him of sex. And all of this happened AFTER you cheated on him and he decided not to leave you.

 

Him cheating sucks, but you had plenty of time, you just didn't want to lose your doormat/babysitter, so you kept things the way you liked them his feelings be damned.

Edited March 15, 2018 by GoldenR

[Yomachi]

Well, if he was honest he unlike you didn't even go all the way.

 

Steph, this is going to hurt but otherwise doubts will fester: Your husband most probably wasn't honest and most probably he did go all the way.

 

He was gone for over 24 hours. Which means he didn't sleep at home, but at the woman's place.

He hadn't had sex in months at this point.

 

If it had felt "wrong" and that's why he "didn't go all the way", I can hardly see why he stayed the night (or why the woman let him stay the night).

 

Cheaters never tell the full truth immideately anyway.

 

If you decide to try to save this marriage, try to assume he did go all the way and forgive him for that. If you forgive him for fooling around only, and then later find he actually did go all the way and you can't forgive him for that you wasted a lot of time & effort.

 

Of course if you try to pull the full truth out of him, you'll have the problem that he's supposed to believe you when you tell him that the deleted texts and secret lunches don't mean anything, but you don't reciprocate that trust and assume he's lying.

 

So... yeah, all your options are ****.

[pheonixrisen]

At that point, what difference would it make - he did what he did, talking about why he did it won't help - I know why he did it - he explained it all too clearly for me.

 

All he had to do was give me time, I was trying and now he self destructed everything. I can't even look at him when he comes home tonight. Don't know why he bothered to tell me - at least he was honest and calmly explained it. He wasn't mean about it or condescending

 

He is now no better than you .as someone mentioned 2 wrongs dont make a right .this is a very sad situation that could have been easily avoided ...his actions were wrong no matter his justification

 

The anger you feel he had been feeling when he entered a marriage with you ...i am sure at a point he found it difficult to look at you too you did not provide a safe enviroment for him in this marriage for him to get over your affair and now this ...both of you have a immature way of dealing with situation there is too much anger /pride/egothat is individually now fuelling the demise of your marriage and sadly your children will suffer the consequences of 2 adults who are now toxic for each other

 

You are angry ...dont make any life changing decisions today .

 

What do you want out of this now ?

 

Calm your self down because you guys are going to have that conversation thats going to be life changing for both of you and for your children .

 

When you do that you need to that from a place of calm ...you need to leave anger /ego/pride aside and ask him to so the same and make a heartfelt case which ever way you decide to go ...

 

Whether its now to work on the marriage or you decide to seperate .you are family you need to overcome your problems to be united for your children .no blame game ...dig deep and find a good way to communicate listen to his feelings too and come to a mutual decision thats beneficial to this family .

 

And steph please stop he did this he desturcted everything because a lot will stand to argue you started the destruction a long time .

You showed zero repect

You dismissed his feelings as exaggeration

You treated him like doormat

Starved him of physical or emotional affection

 

Deleted emails afterhe voiced his concern and you think he should have blindly trusted you .and not had doubts you may be cheating after you already showed him you are very capable .

 

And you are suprised he found the attention outside ...try just getting over it ! Like you wanted him too .see if it still bothers you 7 years later

[anika99]

Regardless of the state of your marriage, what your husband did was horribly wrong and hurtful. You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. The posters who are making it sound as though you drove your husband to cheat on you surprise me because the mantra around here is usually "nobody can make you cheat!" or "if you are unhappy in your marriage you either fix it or divorce, you don't cheat!" And another all time favorite is "you may own a fair share of what contributed to the marital problems, but you do not own any of your spouse's choice to cheat, the responsibility for that choice lies solely on the cheater"

 

If you had posted that you cheated on your husband because he treated you terribly you better believe that nobody here would let you get away with that reasoning or tell you that your husband was just getting what he deserved so I fail to understand why everyone is immediately jumping to defend your husband's infidelity. You were wrong in how you treated your marriage but you did not make your husband cheat. Don't let your husband or anyone else blame you for your husband's crappy behaviour. You are 100% responsible for your choices and your husband is 100% responsible for his.

 

Saving this marriage just got a hundred times more difficult. Your husband has a right to feel hurt by how you treated him and he has a right to divorce you if he so chooses. He has zero right to manipulate you or punish you with his cheating or threats of cheating. You do not reward cheating. If you still wish to try to save your marriage then you can tell your husband that you know you did wrong and you are willing to work on your flaws but you cannot and will not accept continued infidelity. There can be no working on the marriage if your husband is not going to be faithful. Just like you need to take ownership of your crappy behaviour, show remorse and empathy, your husband needs to do the same. He doesn't get a pass because he was unhappy. That's crap.

 

If your husband can't or won't take responsibility for his betrayal then you seperate. This may not be salvageable and divorce may be your only option now. Continue to work on yourself in therapy so that you can learn how to be a better partner in future relationships. With some self reflection and some hard work you can go on to have better relationships.

[CatMinx]

No, nobody made him cheat and him cheating was wrong. But his cheating does not erase what she did, and Steph still has yet to own up to the many mistakes she did make in their marriage.

 

I seriously doubt this marriage will work out but if they’re going to try, she cannot continue to place all the blame on him. She still has to acknowledge her own failings.

[Cullenbohannon]

Why would anyone assume he wants to be forgiven? His forgiveness meant nothing to her. Two wrongs might not make a right, but it is true that you reap what you sow.

 

Que in her hypocrisy and outrage.

[steph1980nyc]

Thanks every so so much for your comments.

 

I agree - two wrongs don't make a right. I've had all day to ponder this and should be getting ready to go to the counselors again this morning but I don't think I'm going to be able to bring myself to do it.

 

Late last night, I talked calmly to my husband - he said, this was the only way he could get my attention as nothing else over the years has worked. He continues to claim he did not "go all the way" and he'd happily take a polygraph if I wanted him to. He said tho...if you want me to take it, I will - but I want you to as well and I want to ask you some questions.

 

My individual counselor asked me what is left of our foundation - the only thing i can come up with is trust - trust on his side. He's been very honest and forthcoming with me, I can't always say the same unfortunately. I should probably trust 100% what he's saying but the thoughts that go through my head around him flirting and with some bar rat infuriates me.

 

I just wish I could take back what happened all these years ago - maybe these trust issues would not be present and maybe things would be much better. Obviously I can't turn back time so I'm stuck - I don't know what to do now and it seems he's running the show. The marriage counselor always seems to be on his side, giving him more time to talk, etc. He said last night that he's going to go to the session today even if I don't because he has nothing to hide and a lot to discuss and wants to get it off his shoulders.

 

I just want things to be more normal - I want to improve, I want him to know he's valued and loved but he seems content to live in the other room. How long is a married couple supposed to live separately in the same home and barely communicate - It just seems like he's improving himself and biding his time:

 

He's working out constantly

He's jogging/biking every evening

He's eating much healthier

He seems happier

He won't wear his wedding band

 

He's definitely lost weight and it's making me insecure - I can't tell him to stop working out or eating better....but deep down I think he's doing it to better himself/his appearing for dating others. I don't want another woman around my kids but I don't think I can control that either.

 

All signs seem to point to him being gone emotionally, nearly gone physically so why is he even bothering with counseling. Just seems like one checkmark box he wants to check before being gone completely.

 

So frustrated anyway thanks for reading if you got this far.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect Steph, I don't think that you can say that he has trust on his side... far from it. The fact that you would say this further shows how little insight you have into his feelings.

 

The fact that this is all you could come up with as a foundation of your marriage shows that this marriage does not have a sold base on which to stand.

 

Again, with all due respect, you haven't given this "reconciliation" a decent chance. You are throwing the towel in before you have even gotten started... you are not willing to do the hard work that is required. And, that is fine - if you are not willing to do the hard work, why drag this out...

 

Just know, you didn't get to this place overnight. You won't get out of this place overnight. If you are able to reconcile, it will take years... your expectations are very unreasonable.

 

But, to point the finger at your husband for flirting with some women at a bar when he had reached his breaking point and say that his decisions to take care of himself are signs that he is checking out of the marriage is doing a huge disservice to you both. People who live in glass houses... his behavior that night at the bar was unacceptable but you need to be careful when you climb on your high horse because the fall is really going to be painful.

 

Let's not forget, he is the one who wants the marriage counselling... you are the one who is giving up when the going gets tough. He's not just trying to check the box, he is trying to do every last thing that he can think of to get your attention and see if he can make this marriage work - before leaving the marriage. You should be doing the same, but you are not. You are reacting defensively from a place of fear and that is never a good place to make decisions. At this point, you are going to hurt him before he hurts you... you are going to leave him, before he can leave you.

 

I would encourage you to reconsider. Ask for some time to cool down if you need it. You are most definitely in fight or flight mode right now and you are choosing flight -- I would suggest that you don't make big decisions about the future of your family from an emotional place. Take a time out if you need it, get your own counselling... think carefully about your decision.

Edited March 15, 2018 by BaileyB

[Cullenbohannon]

He left you with a very small opening. If you have not physically cheated during your marriage, take the polygraph. Your fidelity still matters to him. If you can remove that doubt, you may get the pause you desperately need. Don't make a excuse. Tell him right away you will take the test. He will not expect it and it will stop him in his tracks.

[kgcolonel]

Thanks every so so much for your comments.

 

I agree - two wrongs don't make a right. I've had all day to ponder this and should be getting ready to go to the counselors again this morning but I don't think I'm going to be able to bring myself to do it.

 

Late last night, I talked calmly to my husband - he said, this was the only way he could get my attention as nothing else over the years has worked. He continues to claim he did not "go all the way" and he'd happily take a polygraph if I wanted him to. He said tho...if you want me to take it, I will - but I want you to as well and I want to ask you some questions.

 

My individual counselor asked me what is left of our foundation - the only thing i can come up with is trust - trust on his side. He's been very honest and forthcoming with me, I can't always say the same unfortunately. I should probably trust 100% what he's saying but the thoughts that go through my head around him flirting and with some bar rat infuriates me.

 

I just wish I could take back what happened all these years ago - maybe these trust issues would not be present and maybe things would be much better. Obviously I can't turn back time so I'm stuck - I don't know what to do now and it seems he's running the show. The marriage counselor always seems to be on his side, giving him more time to talk, etc. He said last night that he's going to go to the session today even if I don't because he has nothing to hide and a lot to discuss and wants to get it off his shoulders.

 

I just want things to be more normal - I want to improve, I want him to know he's valued and loved but he seems content to live in the other room. How long is a married couple supposed to live separately in the same home and barely communicate - It just seems like he's improving himself and biding his time:

 

He's working out constantly

He's jogging/biking every evening

He's eating much healthier

He seems happier

He won't wear his wedding band

 

He's definitely lost weight and it's making me insecure - I can't tell him to stop working out or eating better....but deep down I think he's doing it to better himself/his appearing for dating others. I don't want another woman around my kids but I don't think I can control that either.

 

All signs seem to point to him being gone emotionally, nearly gone physically so why is he even bothering with counseling. Just seems like one checkmark box he wants to check before being gone completely.

 

So frustrated anyway thanks for reading if you got this far.

 

 

Steph, bolded are two very telling things...he's willing to prove that he's been honest but when you're held to the same standard, you begin to realize and admit that he doesn't, even yet have all the details as to what you've been up to. This is in my opinion why you're now throwing in the towel because your secrets will be coming out if you proceed with the polys....you don't want to admit all that you've done to him and sense that he'll demonize and leave you. If you truly want to save this M, you'll sit down with him and tell him everything with true remorse and follow that up with "What can I possibly do to get us back to where we both want our M to be?" Basically throwing yourself on the mercy of your H. I agree that what he did wasn't right but factually, you left him with very little alternatives....what he did, he likely did not only to feel the touch of a woman who was kind and appreciated him but also to send a clear and distinct message to you, either wake up and engage or we're done.

 

Please reconsider your decision to attend the MC today.

 

BTW you are partially right as to why he is working out and improving himself but also, it makes him feel better about himself and what else is he going to do, sit with you in a room where you've been taking advantage of him all these years?

[GoldenR]

I'm confused....are you saying that you think he trusts you?

[hippychick3]

This thread makes me so sad for both the OP and her husband....we are literally watching a marriage unravel in real time. It's very unlikely that this will not end in divorce.

 

The way I see it, this marriage could possibly survive if:

 

1. Both the OP and her husband still love each other and TRULY want to make it work

2. Both the OP and her husband attend individual and marriage counseling

3. Both the OP and her husband take FULL responsibility for their wrongdoings (and both parties have been very, very wrong...it's irrelevant at this point who was more wrong)

4. Both the OP and her husband put each other and their marriage first and engage in FULL transparency in every aspect of their life

[Maraud3r]

He's been very honest and forthcoming with me, I can't always say the same unfortunately.

THIS is an extremely important point and something that you didn't mention here either. You told us you were honest about your past affair. You told us you didn't get involved with other guys again, you told us you weren't flirting and going out for that reason and that you were honest with your husband but just forgot "some things" and "deleted messages out of habit".

 

Now you are admitting you weren't honest and the way it sounds you weren't honest on several occasions. You don't have to but mind telling us what this dishonesty was about. Did it involve other guys? Because if yes then: "the thoughts that go through my head around him flirting and with some bar rat infuriates me." would be ludicrous. Because it meant you got a tiny piece of what you've put him through for years and are completely outraged at it and want to throw the relationship away.

I don't know what to do now and it seems he's running the show.

So, basically a complete reversal of your relationship up till this point. Imagine things being this way for years.

I just want things to be more normal

So you basically want a return to the status quo? I don't think that is going to happen.

[FilterCoffee]

He left you with a very small opening. If you have not physically cheated during your marriage, take the polygraph. Your fidelity still matters to him. If you can remove that doubt, you may get the pause you desperately need. Don't make a excuse. Tell him right away you will take the test. He will not expect it and it will stop him in his tracks.

 

This is great advice.

[Yomachi]

The only reason I'd take a polygraph is to show how horribly unreliable they are.

 

I'm not sure what's worse - him being a cheater or him believing in pseudoscience.

 

(I kid! I kid! Obviously cheating is worse. But still, polygraphs don't work)

 

https://www.vox.com/2014/8/14/5999119/polygraphs-lie-detectors-do-they-work

[Cullenbohannon]

The only reason I'd take a polygraph is to show how horribly unreliable they are.

 

I'm not sure what's worse - him being a cheater or him believing in pseudoscience.

 

(I kid! I kid! Obviously cheating is worse. But still, polygraphs don't work)

 

https://www.vox.com/2014/8/14/5999119/polygraphs-lie-detectors-do-they-work

 

If you use this excuse, your just as good as dead. It was your husband that suggested the poly. You asked for a man's POV. It would be wise to listen to the man that matters. He told you what he did and what he didn't do. Those are his boundaries. If you have not crossed that line, take the test.

Edited March 15, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[BarbedFenceRider]

At that point, what difference would it make - he did what he did, talking about why he did it won't help - I know why he did it - he explained it all too clearly for me.

 

All he had to do was give me time, I was trying and now he self destructed everything. I can't even look at him when he comes home tonight. Don't know why he bothered to tell me - at least he was honest and calmly explained it. He wasn't mean about it or condescending

 

You can look at that like that...If you want to lie down in self pity...Or you can take the long distance view and notice that the man has needs. We constantly warned you about his checking out. And he has done it. And he is filling his validation with "others".

 

But they are not "life partners". You know this. And he does too. I do believe that counseling will help regardless. But it also is a neutral ground that I hope you two can find each other in. Don't look at this new antic as something but a means to cope. And your feelings are exactly what HE felt so long ago, as we predicted. But are you BIG enough now, to admit that? Are you ready to wave the white flag and meet in the middle and find each other again?

[Yomachi]

If you use this excuse, your just as good as dead. It was your husband that suggested the poly. You asked for a man's POV. It would be wise to listen to the man that matters. He told you what he did and what he didn't do. Those are his boundaries. If you have not crossed that line, take the test.

 

Oh I agree that you can't really refuse, because it would be suspicious.

 

Just know it's completely bogus. Taking a polygraph test is like asking an astrologer to compare your horoscopes to determine if someone is telling the truth.

 

People on this board seem to be in love with them, and I can see the allure of the idea that there's a way you can determine if someone is lying or not.

 

But again, magic truthtelling devices don't exist.

[road]

steph1980, what have you not been honest with your BH?

 

Mistake to not go to MC today.

[steph1980nyc]

So I ended up going to the session, was about 15 min late but went regardless.

 

His conversation was essentially that:

 

1. He's focused on bettering his health and the kids - that he would like me to be a part of the journey

2. He reaffirmed he would take a polygraph to get me off his case about how far he went with the bar fly.

3. He expects me to do take one and answer questions about the affair years ago and recent events.

4. With our without me, he's going to continue the sessions and working to move forward. He's tired of living like a guest in his own home and if I don't want to be near him, I can move into the guest room. - This one is causing me problems. I'm convinced he wants to get back into the marital bed soley for intimacy.

5. He stated that if we're still legally married (which we are) that we should be wearing our rings. I told him we'll see based on what happens in the future. He didn't seem to appreciate that and handed me his ring and said well then...when you're ready.

 

I've agreed to do the polygraph - my only concern is that while I have been honest about the lunches....there are parts of the affair I left our many years ago as I didn't want to hurt him - and I don't think its wise to put all that on the table when things are hanging on by a thread.

 

In my earlier post I don't think I was clear - I should trust him in what he says as he is usually quite candid and honest with me. I understand why he doesn't feel the same about me. I still question how far he went with this woman but it'll all come out sooner or later. Given his confidence and insistence on taking a poly, I assume he has nothing to hide.