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Would like to get a Man's POV - Husband Acting Strange

steph1980nyc

By steph1980nyc
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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I also thought that the prior cheating issue was fully resolved.

 

Considering what's going on in your life, funny how you keep stating this...

 

Mr. Lucky

BMI03 Established Member

BMI03

Posted
Posted
At some point he will have to see me and we'll need to act like adults and discuss this - I don't know what he seeks to gain by avoiding me

 

- His life back

- Self respect

- Comfort

- Peace

- Mental stability

 

And no, no he will not have to see you and discuss this at some point.

 

See, in his eyes, you both have already discussed this. He had made his concerns known in a reasonable and adult way, and you discredited them and did what you wanted anyway, taking no ownership or accountability for your own actions, and now you will not even own the consequences.

 

The discussion you expected is already over...you just haven't even realized it yet.

 

He doesn't need to interact with you at all to divorce you. Like BarbedFenceRider said... Steph, meet the 180

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steph1980nyc Member

steph1980nyc

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steph1980nyc, any update?

 

Sort of.

 

So to the question earlier, we have two kids - 9 and 6.

 

He was at the home when I got there, had dinner ready for the kids (didn't make me anything btw which he normally does) and was proceeding to wash the kids clothes. I said hello, and he said hi. I noticed he was looking at my hand, I took my rings off on Monday hoping to get some sort of reaction something to start the conversations and I guess he just noticed but didn't say a word. I was hoping he would say something because nothing else is getting him to talk but even that didn't work. He didn't say a word about it. I also didn't wear it this morning before work - I caught him taking a glimpse but again, no comment. He stopped wearing his after he talked to me about the text messages being deleted.

 

I kindly thanked him for getting the kids dinner ready and he put them to bed. I asked him what he'd like to do with my dad coming over - he needs a room to stay in. He said he wasn't leaving the guest room and that I needed to figure it out. Part of me was hoping he'd get back into the "marital bed" but that didn't work. I ended up falling asleep next to my youngest one in his room, my dad took the master bedroom and hubby still has the guest room.

 

This morning my dad told my husband he's here if he'd like to chat with him or go to lunch and talk but my husband politely declined. He said it will do no good - that his daughter (me) doesn't understand proper boundaries or respect and he's tired of talking about it. My dad asked him what the path forward was - he said he's too angry to think about it and just wants to take things day by day.

 

My dad told me that he was surprised at the lack of emotion, almost robotic nature of how he was behaving. He was really expecting to have an open conversation and hoping to help both sides restart negotiations as he called it. Basically, at this point - its a complete stalemate.

 

My husband got the kids ready, dropped them off to school and went to work. I'm really starting to grow concerned for him, he's lost weight - he doesn't appear to be eating much if at anything and his focus has been either work, kids or working out. How on earth can I even try to reconnect with him when he won't. Is he waiting on me to throw in the towel? Something has to break the impasse.

 

I shouldn't say this on here since I know you guys will likely beat me up about it....I looked in his wallet (he always throws his pants on the back of the sofa) and there was a receipt for a counselor of some sort. Apparently he's talking to someone but not me or his family. Simply do not get it.

FilterCoffee Established Member

FilterCoffee

Posted
Posted
I noticed he was looking at my hand, I took my rings off on Monday hoping to get some sort of reaction something to start the conversations and I guess he just noticed but didn't say a word. I was hoping he would say something because nothing else is getting him to talk but even that didn't work.

 

You just gave him further reason to believe you’re cheating on him. He didn’t react because he was expecting this. Quit the games and take responsibility for the hurt you’ve caused him.

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steph1980nyc Member

steph1980nyc

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You just gave him further reason to believe you’re cheating on him. He didn’t react because he was expecting this. Quit the games and take responsibility for the hurt you’ve caused him.

 

He took his wedding band off after the text message deletion conversation, and I took mine off a few days later. I don't see why he'd jump to that conclusion - so it was ok for him to do but not me?

BarbedFenceRider Established Member

BarbedFenceRider

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We are not trying to beat you up... But the disconnect from reality that you STILL have is going to be a problem in your life, with or without this man. You are really not a safe partner. And He is getting used to being a single dad. As for the robotic nature and non-emotion conversation....You seriously need to read about the 180. And for NC..Because that is coming up soon too.

 

What are 10 things that you enjoy and love about this man? Even small quirky things...

Can you put a list of 10 things that you enjoy and would be seriously sad if they disappeared over night?

 

For the last few pages, all I got out of this thread is all the "odd" behavior that YOU noticed. Nothing about the good things that this man does to hold the fire for you...

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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He took his wedding band off after the text message deletion conversation, and I took mine off a few days later. I don't see why he'd jump to that conclusion - so it was ok for him to do but not me?

 

 

It's like throwing gasoline on an already out of control fire...

 

You are still keeping score. I feel so badly for your husband. His pain is palpable.

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kgcolonel Established Member

kgcolonel

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Okay I'll try to be constructive here but no promises.

 

By taking off your ring, the message you sent him is "I can play that game too". This is a combative message and if you truly want to reconcile and save your marriage, (at this time I can't convince myself that you truly do or at least are willing to do what it takes to do so) you need to go to him, just you and your husband (stop looking to your dad to fix things) and tell him that you see that your actions have been disrespectful and that you'd like to set up a MC to help you two reconnect. Ask him for that chance if not for you but for the sake of the kiddos....understand that if you two don't make it, you will lose all control of the next female that enters the lives of your children as the new wife and step-mother of the kiddos.....is this not worth some humble pie?

 

Please just consider the value of a really heartfelt sincere conversation and you taking the first step.

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BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

OP, we are all strangers...

 

So, I really would like you to answer some questions, if you would.

 

And, being that we don't know you, you really have no valid reason to lie.

 

Do you maintain that you have not had any affairs since you have been married? Not even emotional?

 

Do you really not understand why your husband is upset?

 

Do you realize that he is going to divorce you?

 

Please help us understand your mindset...

Be_Strong Established Member

Be_Strong

Posted
Posted

By the way, if your husband posted his side of the story here, I can guarantee you the unanimous opinion he would receive in response is that his wife is cheating and he should file for divorce immediately.

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CardsFan01 Established Member

CardsFan01

Posted
Posted
Sort of.

 

So to the question earlier, we have two kids - 9 and 6.

 

He was at the home when I got there, had dinner ready for the kids (didn't make me anything btw which he normally does) and was proceeding to wash the kids clothes. I said hello, and he said hi. I noticed he was looking at my hand, I took my rings off on Monday hoping to get some sort of reaction something to start the conversations and I guess he just noticed but didn't say a word. I was hoping he would say something because nothing else is getting him to talk but even that didn't work. He didn't say a word about it. I also didn't wear it this morning before work - I caught him taking a glimpse but again, no comment. He stopped wearing his after he talked to me about the text messages being deleted.

 

I kindly thanked him for getting the kids dinner ready and he put them to bed. I asked him what he'd like to do with my dad coming over - he needs a room to stay in. He said he wasn't leaving the guest room and that I needed to figure it out. Part of me was hoping he'd get back into the "marital bed" but that didn't work. I ended up falling asleep next to my youngest one in his room, my dad took the master bedroom and hubby still has the guest room.

 

This morning my dad told my husband he's here if he'd like to chat with him or go to lunch and talk but my husband politely declined. He said it will do no good - that his daughter (me) doesn't understand proper boundaries or respect and he's tired of talking about it. My dad asked him what the path forward was - he said he's too angry to think about it and just wants to take things day by day.

 

My dad told me that he was surprised at the lack of emotion, almost robotic nature of how he was behaving. He was really expecting to have an open conversation and hoping to help both sides restart negotiations as he called it. Basically, at this point - its a complete stalemate.

 

My husband got the kids ready, dropped them off to school and went to work. I'm really starting to grow concerned for him, he's lost weight - he doesn't appear to be eating much if at anything and his focus has been either work, kids or working out. How on earth can I even try to reconnect with him when he won't. Is he waiting on me to throw in the towel? Something has to break the impasse.

 

I shouldn't say this on here since I know you guys will likely beat me up about it....I looked in his wallet (he always throws his pants on the back of the sofa) and there was a receipt for a counselor of some sort. Apparently he's talking to someone but not me or his family. Simply do not get it.

 

Maybe you have and I’ve just missed it, but in all your attempts at communication, have you apologized to him? Have you told him you know your behavior has been inappropriate and that you will immediately change it? If I were him, I wouldn’t even begin a conversation until I heard those words out of your mouth. It appears to everyone here, and I’m sure him too, that you are still blaming him for this predicament. As long as that is the case, I don’t really see what there is to discuss other than how this divorce is going to work. If I were him, that would be the only thing that would be on the table right now.

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steph1980nyc Member

steph1980nyc

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Sure, my answers [are below]

 

OP, we are all strangers...

 

So, I really would like you to answer some questions, if you would.

 

And, being that we don't know you, you really have no valid reason to lie.

 

Do you maintain that you have not had any affairs since you have been married? Not even emotional?

There has been no physical affairs of any kind other than the one he was aware of. While I don't consider it an emotional affair, I enjoyed the lunches - he made me laugh and was actively helping me in my career. Our conversations were mostly about business but we talked about each others kids, etc.

Do you really not understand why your husband is upset?

I do not. He's making rather large assumptions that just because I'm going to lunches or deleting texts I'm up to no good. I'm tired of having to defend myself - I get it, I brought an affair into the relationship early on - seems like it will be held over my head for eternity.

Do you realize that he is going to divorce you?

I'm not sure what he's going to do - we've fought in the past about other things but never to this degree and never for this long. I tell myself that I can do this without him but then I know I'll miss him once he's gone. This lack of communication and engagement is really tearing me up - at this point I'd do just about anything to get him angry to see any sort of reaction out of him but I know its counter productive. I feel I've done nothing wrong and the bottom line is that he's making some wild assumptions - he told me he didn't feel comfortable with me going to lunch with a man, I did so anyway - doesn't mean I'm cheating. I was communicating with him via text - doesn't mean I was cheating. In his mind I was, and it appears nothing will change that - and that's what upsets me the most. Any guy I ever talk to - I'll be cheating in his mind - thats what it feels like.

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steph1980nyc Member

steph1980nyc

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It's like throwing gasoline on an already out of control fire...

 

You are still keeping score. I feel so badly for your husband. His pain is palpable.

 

So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

CardsFan01 Established Member

CardsFan01

Posted
Posted
I'm a catch

 

Seriously?

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

 

OMG!

 

I feel badly for you Steph. You are going to loose your marriage because of your total inability to understand or consider anyone else's feeling or opinions other than your own.

 

As they say, pride cometh before a fall.

 

The thing is, you had the ability to change this. You have received good advice in this discussion and you haven't taken it -- you insist on fighting for control and keeping score when we have told you, the solution lies in accepting responsibility, humbling yourself and apologizing, and making yourself vulnerable.

 

But the thing is, you can't do any of these things if you don't see the problem. I would suggest that you find a good counsellor... if you don't figure out what went wrong here and how your behavior contributed to the breakup of your marriage - your issues with communication and control, your inability to consider someone else's thoughts and feelings, and your lack of respect and inability to maintain healthy boundaries will continue to damage any relationship you have in the future.

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Be_Strong Established Member

Be_Strong

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Posted
So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

He believed that you were cheating and that you refused to stop, so he decided to separate and as part of that process he removed his ring. If you then remove your ring, it’s simply a signal to him that you also want to separate. This isn’t a matter of what is ok and what is not ok. If at any time two married people don’t like the current conditions in the marriage, they are free to leave the marriage. It looks like he wants out, which is his right. If you want to preserve the marriage, taking steps like removing your ring is the opposite of what you should be doing.

 

You mentioned that you are “a catch.” Do you mean physically? Honestly, how physically attractive are you? It makes a difference. If you’re an 8, 9, or 10 and running around having girls nights all the time or meeting for private lunches with men, it puts a ton of psychological strain on your husband because he knows you will be a prime target for every guy out there.

 

Before separating from my soon to be ex wife, I generally tried to avoid being in one-on-one situations with other women specifically to avoid the appearance of impropriety. More specifically, I avoided private meetings with women that my wife would view as potential competition—attractive females.

 

Likewise, I didn’t fret when my wife was having lunch with a 70-year-old man or an ugly guy that I knew she wouldn’t be attracted to.

cat5 Member

cat5

Posted
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Is girls night out that much more important than your marriage?

 

I try to balance the needs of both - working 40-45 hours a week and coming home to kids and a husband can sometimes be tiring. Sometimes I just need space to decompress. Between the kids, and health issues/surgery I wasn't able to be very social. Now after the surgery, I feel great and want to spend some time with friends. It feels like my husband is simply content to be with his family and be a homebody.

 

Why aren't you willing to change if your husband doesn't like your sneaky behavior?

 

Because it feels controlling. It feels like since he doesn't have much of a social life I'm expected not to have one also. I also thought that the prior cheating issue was fully resolved. Am I expected for him to hang onto that for the rest of our lives?

If these things are that important to you and it's ruining your marriage why did you get married?

 

I was pregnant, he's a good provider (I also work) and a great dad. He's handsome and from a good family and has always been considerate of my feelings. At times I feel he doesn't do things simply because he wouldn't want me doing them (such as going to hooters to watch the game, he won't go unless I'm there).

 

On a side note, I texted him this morning asking how he's doing and no reply. Last night, I asked him via text if he wanted to talk....no reply. The only time I got any real communication from him is when I asked about the plans for the kids this week. No idea what's going on here.

 

His family? Our Family? Which is it?

 

Been on this forum a while. Rarely say anything but this person, wow, it's like hearing my wife talk.

 

Everyone on here is telling you that you need to prove to your husband that you love him and are committed. So how to respond to his test of removing his ring? By removing yours? HaHaHa, wow.

 

Someone said a few pages back that you are likely like your mother. Bingo.

 

The only thing that has surprised me is that your husband and your father didn't talk. They should. I bet they have a lot in common.

 

I am going to offer you some advice, not in your marriage, that is toast but in case you have any hope of having a relationship with someone other than a doormat. Fix yourself.

 

You are most likely either very self-centered, a narcissist, borderline or some other personality disorder. You have very little capacity for empathy.

 

Get help and perhaps one day you'll realize what you have done and continue to do.

 

Best of luck!

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CardsFan01 Established Member

CardsFan01

Posted
Posted

 

You mentioned that you are “a catch.” Do you mean physically? Honestly, how physically attractive are you? It makes a difference. If you’re an 8, 9, or 10

 

I’d love to hear her answer this one. Has to be at least a 10 right? Maybe an 11 or 12?

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Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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OP: In the hopes of forwarding this conversation, can you answer my question below?

 

You've received tons of really good advice on this board. We can all see what you need to do. We've all told you what you need to do. Heck - i've even given you some of the words. You yourself said you'd do anything to get a response from him.

 

So why won't do the one thing we all believe will make a difference?

 

NOTE: We're a bunch of strangers and you're under no obligation to do anything we suggest. That being said, your answer to my question above might give you some insight into what's really wrong with your relationship with your husband.

SpecialJ Established Member

SpecialJ

Posted
Posted
So why was it ok for him to remove his ring and not me?

 

I get it though - I was angry when he removed his ring, and I wanted him to see that and that I'm also distancing myself and that I'm a catch, he's going to lose me if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it.

 

That was my thought process at least.

 

Flip it back around. He wanted you to see the same thing (he's a catch and you're going to lose him if this keeps up and there's no effort to fix it).

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springy Established Member

springy

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"I feel I've done nothing wrong and the bottom line is that he's making some wild assumptions"

 

So your hubby has it right - there really is no reason to talk. More talk for him to see it your way and for you to negate his feelings. I guess, just let him go then.

 

You say you're a catch. In what way? You've shown him his feelings don't count. Now you've taken your ring off, further confirming his "wild assumptions." Now he's so pissed off he can't even bring himself to chat with your father. Your father sees it, and is shocked...and you are here attempting to prove your catch-worthiness in all the wrong ways and showing all of us that your husband is right - why bother talking about it? What would you even say? Do you think telling him he's making wild assumptions and trying to convince him once again that you are right and he's unreasonable will bring him back from the edge? It won't work.

 

I don't see love in your posts, respect or any real fear of losing him...I do see that it's all about you though, sadly.

 

There is nothing adult about how you are handling this. No indication that you really want to save your marriage (if that's even possible at this point). I do not think you are able to "get it."

 

PsychologyToday: Empathy involves caring about others feelings and concerns. Contempt is arrogant ("I know best") disregard, dismissal and denigration of others' concerns. Empathy nurtures relationship bonds; contempt invites relationship and marriage problems.

 

There you are - what are you willing to do to save your marriage? Your current state of mind will not be successful. But, maybe you don't really care? Maybe you just want to drive your point home even if it means you lose your catch.

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steph1980nyc Member

steph1980nyc

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Your marriage can't be repaired with the attitude and mindset you have.

 

You need to be right too much. You're vindictive and unwilling to be more generous with your time for family

 

Since you want your life the way YOU want it - why not be single?

 

That's a serious question. Since you think only of YOURSELF - why not be single?

 

Lots of questions in the posts above, if I miss one it's not intentional so please let me know.

 

1) I have tried to use the advice here, i've woken up early and tried to communicate with him. You can tell me all the things to say but he won't talk to me. The only way to get him to talk is to get him furious - but its counter productive.

 

2) I don't want to be single, I love having stability and being a family unit. But...I do recognize that being married doesn't mean you spend 100% of your time or energy there. There's nothing wrong with being able to go out - I think the root of my husband's insecurities is his limited social circle. I think if he had as many friends as I do - he'd want to go out more.

 

3) When I say I'm a catch, I don't mean just looks - I mean someone who is a provider, someone who has several degrees and someone who physically takes care of their appearance and who is attractive. Never said I was a 10. My husband has let himself go a bit and is always so stressed and not nearly as fun. I think thats why I enjoy the lunches or the attention from another male - but its not cheating nor would it come to that.

 

4) Something has to change here and I think he will have to cool down and extend an olive branch this direction to get the lines of communication going again. I've already extended myself - no means no right? He doesn't want to talk to me or my dad and has made that crystal clear.

 

I tell myself he comes home because there's a glimmer of hope but part of me believes he's done and going through the motions. I thought about writing him a letter apologizing and recognizing how my actions could be perceived but then I'd think he'd use it as ammo against me if he moves forward. Darned if I do, darned if I don't.

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

Thank you so much for answering...

 

You really do not get it, but I am going to try and help...

 

Q1)

 

Do you maintain that you have not had any affairs since you have been married? Not even emotional?

 

There has been no physical affairs of any kind other than the one he was aware of. While I don't consider it an emotional affair, I enjoyed the lunches - he made me laugh and was actively helping me in my career. Our conversations were mostly about business but we talked about each others kids, etc.

So on this first question, you know, it sounds innocent enough. But not for someone that had an affair previously. I know that you say that it is over, it was a long time ago. But for him, it is not, you guys never handled it properly.

 

So having any kind of a lunch with a man, deleting the text messages, all of that is cheater behavior. It is out of the cheaters handbook and it is all over this board.

 

This is what you don't seem to get. And yes, to an extent, until your infidelity is dealt with properly, you do have to pay for it for the rest of your life. Even when the proper steps are taken and you actually help your husband to heal, he will never forget what you have done.

 

Q2)

 

Do you really not understand why your husband is upset?

 

I do not. He's making rather large assumptions that just because I'm going to lunches or deleting texts I'm up to no good. I'm tired of having to defend myself - I get it, I brought an affair into the relationship early on - seems like it will be held over my head for eternity.

 

No, besides the explanation above, he is not making large assumptions. You have proven yourself capable of cheating on him. Nothing was done to help him heal and you are not remorseful in any way. You just want him to "get over it". It does not work that way.

 

It is not his problem, it is yours, because you caused it.

 

Q3)

 

Do you realize that he is going to divorce you?

 

I'm not sure what he's going to do - we've fought in the past about other things but never to this degree and never for this long. I tell myself that I can do this without him but then I know I'll miss him once he's gone. This lack of communication and engagement is really tearing me up - at this point I'd do just about anything to get him angry to see any sort of reaction out of him but I know its counter productive. I feel I've done nothing wrong and the bottom line is that he's making some wild assumptions - he told me he didn't feel comfortable with me going to lunch with a man, I did so anyway - doesn't mean I'm cheating. I was communicating with him via text - doesn't mean I was cheating. In his mind I was, and it appears nothing will change that - and that's what upsets me the most. Any guy I ever talk to - I'll be cheating in his mind - thats what it feels like.

 

Again, he is not making wild assumptions. You fell like your cheating was no bid deal. But to him, it is and always will be. You put your feelings above his because you are selfish. And I suspect that you always have been, but I am sure you don't think that. Guess what...you are. When you refused to stop the lunches, and deleted the texts, that is a clear SIGN that you are cheating, whether you are or not. By putting your desires and feelings above his, you proved to him that he does not matter.

 

Because of YOUR infidelity, his feelings about these types of things, trump yours in every way. He did not cheat, you did.

 

And when we say that every single action that you have been taking makes you look like a cheater.

 

As a matter of fact, based on what you yourself have written, I find in hard to believe that you are not cheating on your husband. And I am on the freaking internet, imagine what he thinks.

 

Anyway, I don't think you will have to worry for very long. He is preparing to divorce you, for your previous cheating and your current behavior and selfishness.

 

General comment

 

As a matter of fact, you might as well sleep with your lunch buddy, because at this point, it won't matter.

 

I really think you are your marriage are toast...

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