Dilemma (need to date again....)

[No_Go]

Yeah count me as another that knows many successful happy couples. It's not fake. It's not a show. It's not because they are scared or a million other negative adjectives.

 

You seem to have a lot to distain for relationships and people in them NoGo. Honestly I find many of your views extremely judgemental and so far off the mark from the reality of the world that surrounds me, I don't no even know where to start.

 

It's as if we live on different planets.

 

I don't think you will ever be able to have a natural, loving successful relationship - while believing all these negative things you say about them.

 

Hopefully some day I’ve met a few beautiful couples as well - it can happen. It is just not the norm IMO but as said - it is likely because of some standards that Cpt thoughtfully pointed out.

[No_Go]

Another question for NG: Have you read Nathaniel Branden's The Disowned Self? I read it once long before you were born: in your face reality adjustment of the boundaries of the ego.

 

I haven’t but I will find it and read it

[lana-banana]

My guess would be that your own negative view of relationships is causing a confirmation bias, where only people who struggle in relationships confide in you.

 

That very well could be - people tend to confide to someone they identify with (you'd always see divorced befriend divorced, single moms befriend other single moms etc).

 

But I think it is also because i nitpick too much On the surface - it looks good - they have been together for many years, get along nicely etc. And then you realize there were affairs, there were huge compromises, one sacrificed his/her career for the other, there was strategized 'unplanned' pregnancy, there were wandering eyes, there was using the other to move upwards in the social strata, there are ones that are together to 'appear happy' or because they know no better (never been single and scared to death to get there) etc etc.

 

Usually for the naked eye this will all be concealed and covered with happy facebook/ig photos... A tangent but NOTHING makes me puke as much as someone posting a facebook profile photo with the 'sweetie' - it is like the ultimate self-betrayal - screaming to the world - "Look at me(us?)!! I/we(?) have NO identity anymore!!"

 

It is just fascinating how people describe the ugliest of the ugliest situations with sweet words But let's look at it from the humorous side - that's my new resolution

 

This says so, so, so much more about you than you realize. I could probably write a thesis in response to this, but for right now, have you ever considered that people also have Facebook profile photos of their children, their pets, even their cars? People's photos aren't about their identities. It's about what they value. Why are you so needlessly contemptuous of other people's values?

[No_Go]

This says so, so, so much more about you than you realize. I could probably write a thesis in response to this, but for right now, have you ever considered that people also have Facebook profile photos of their children, their pets, even their cars? People's photos aren't about their identities. It's about what they value. Why are you so needlessly contemptuous of other people's values?

 

You know- if you want to say something- just do it. Saying it ‘this says much about you’ and leaving it there is just ... this tactic is wildly used in politics but doesn’t translate well elsewhere.

 

Regarding FB: I specifically refer to profile photos. Ie what represents their image. If someone posts a picture of their car as profile picture - um we’re talking deeper problems Babies and pets - usually also indicate losing identity (housewives and lonely old ladies use these for a reason).

 

Why I’m contemptuous? TBH I’m trying to loosen up social inhibitions that kept me from speaking my mind for years (the ‘good girl’ syndrome).... I’m trying to be equally contemptuous for myself, my most close friends & family - I.e. it is not done out of hatred, not at all.

 

But you’re right - I need to tone it down a bit And maybe refocuse like Gaeta suggested.

[Kamille]

 

And then you realize there were affairs, there were huge compromises, one sacrificed his/her career for the other, there was strategized 'unplanned' pregnancy, there were wandering eyes, there was using the other to move upwards in the social strata, there are ones that are together to 'appear happy' or because they know no better (never been single and scared to death to get there) etc etc.

 

 

 

Are you a perfectionist? I ask because the affair, compromising to be together, even the wandering eyes? Those sound like fairly common issues some couples will face.

 

All couples face struggles. So of course if you go digging, you will find they faced hardships. It doesn't automatically mean they're lying about being happy together now. What it likely means is that they love each other enough to face those issues together.

 

Could it be that you "dig under the surface" to confirm your own biases?

 

It's really true that it's not problems that make or break a couple, but how they handle problems.

[Kamille]

 

Regarding FB: I specifically refer to profile photos. Ie what represents their image. If someone posts a picture of their car as profile picture - um we’re talking deeper problems Babies and pets - usually also indicate losing identity (housewives and lonely old ladies use these for a reason).

 

Why I’m contemptuous? TBH I’m trying to loosen up social inhibitions that kept me from speaking my mind for years (the ‘good girl’ syndrome).... I’m trying to be equally contemptuous for myself, my most close friends & family - I.e. it is not done out of hatred, not at all.

 

 

 

Good job on the contemptuous.

 

I love baby pictures and cat pictures. Goodness, I'm all for my friends sharing joy on Facebook. Also, their kids are the cutest ever so it's a jolt of happiness for me too.

 

But really, this is you speaking your truth? Thinking that anyone who shares moments of happiness are faking?

Edited December 14, 2017 by Kamille

[JuneL]

If I may ask, OP: Why are you so adamant about having kid(s)? I don't have kids myself (yet), but I'm really close to my nephew and his parents. I would imagine that, as a parent, you pretty much have to somewhat lose your identity, before s/he reaches 18 anyway.

[lana-banana]

Regarding FB: I specifically refer to profile photos. Ie what represents their image. If someone posts a picture of their car as profile picture - um we’re talking deeper problems Babies and pets - usually also indicate losing identity (housewives and lonely old ladies use these for a reason).

 

This is so middle-school-girl judgmental it's honestly just sad. It doesn't indicate anything other than what someone finds important, or even funny. Some people change their pictures all the time. Some people don't use pictures of themselves for security or personal reasons. I was stalked by an ex who is psychotic; all of my avatars are cartoons, if I have them at all.

 

There is a lot going on with you, and there's more than I can begin to write about on a phone (no laptop here). But in brief: you have very little empathy, extreme amounts of contempt, and a serious ego, all of which enable you to judge people with incomplete information. I can't see how you'll be happy in a relationship until you learn to treat people more kindly.

[JuneL]

If I may ask, OP: Why are you so adamant about having kid(s)? I don't have kids myself (yet), but I'm really close to my nephew and his parents. I would imagine that, as a parent, you pretty much have to somewhat lose your identity, before s/he reaches 18 anyway.

 

p.s. And no, both of his parents are educated and busy working professionals.

[No_Go]

Good job on the contemptuous.

 

I love baby pictures and cat pictures. Goodness, I'm all for my friends sharing joy on Facebook. Also, their kids are the cutest ever so it's a jolt of happiness for me too.

 

But really, this is you speaking your truth? Thinking that anyone who shares moments of happiness are faking?

 

Ok I see it sounds bad, sorry .

 

Hey I love cats and even have one that I treat like a prince He has literally saved me when I was super sick and alone last year, so I definitely know how the love towards pets goes.

 

But why make it public? If it is not fake - what is the need for oversharing?

[No_Go]

If I may ask, OP: Why are you so adamant about having kid(s)? I don't have kids myself (yet), but I'm really close to my nephew and his parents. I would imagine that, as a parent, you pretty much have to somewhat lose your identity, before s/he reaches 18 anyway.

 

Brutally honest: because I don’t have time to contemplate. Turned 33 this fall so my ovaries are singing their farewell...

 

I’d love to bring somebody to the world and raise them being a great human being.

 

Also: genes. The reproductive instinct is a very strong one...

[lana-banana]

Ok I see it sounds bad, sorry .

 

Hey I love cats and even have one that I treat like a prince He has literally saved me when I was super sick and alone last year, so I definitely know how the love towards pets goes.

 

But why make it public? If it is not fake - what is the need for oversharing?

 

Why are you the arbiter of when something is "overshared" or not? Is one picture of a cat per month too much? Three? What about if it dies? How many posts are appropriate? Do you see how silly this is?

 

People do things differently than you. People have different values, ideas, and opinions. It doesn't make them invalid, just different.

[No_Go]

This is so middle-school-girl judgmental it's honestly just sad. It doesn't indicate anything other than what someone finds important, or even funny. Some people change their pictures all the time. Some people don't use pictures of themselves for security or personal reasons. I was stalked by an ex who is psychotic; all of my avatars are cartoons, if I have them at all.

 

There is a lot going on with you, and there's more than I can begin to write about on a phone (no laptop here). But in brief: you have very little empathy, extreme amounts of contempt, and a serious ego, all of which enable you to judge people with incomplete information. I can't see how you'll be happy in a relationship until you learn to treat people more kindly.

 

Serious question: why would you not just erase your profiles if scared by your ex? I’d have happily done so, they don’t bring me much more than a platform to chat with friends (PM) if I don’t have their email. If someone stalks you cartoons won’t protect you...

 

I score as highflying empathetic on tests. Ego: likely you’re right. Contempt: not quite that bad, it is more so a way of expressing thoughts.

 

Besides that - no, my life is pretty uneventful recently. It was a good year- I achieved pretty much everything I planned. Maybe I’m a little bored but besides that - nothing special is going on. Why would you think so?

[RecentChange]

Regarding FB: I specifically refer to profile photos. Ie what represents their image. If someone posts a picture of their car as profile picture - um we’re talking deeper problems Babies and pets - usually also indicate losing identity (housewives and lonely old ladies use these for a reason).

 

Again, HUH, WHAT?

 

Losing their identity? What exactly IS an identity to you?

 

If I post a selfie of myself, and my beloved (and so adorable) horse - its because I have lost my identity? I have been a horsemen for 31 of my 39 years on this planet. My horse is a HUGE part of my identity. Not because I have "lost myself" but because horses, and the life style they entail are a huge part of my identity.

 

And if I post a picture of the Mr and I looking extremely dapper at a ball - its not because I have lost a part of myself - its because I enjoy sharing moments of my life. My husband, my loved one, is a HUGE part of my life, and yes, part of my identity.

 

Why do my share pictures of my horse? She is BEAUTIFUL, talented, just amazing . She totally has a fan club (and a number of photographers use her as a model). She is my pride and joy. I love sharing her with others.

 

I don't understand how that is "fake" or has anything to do with losing identity.

 

Again - apparently we are from different planets.

[RecentChange]

Brutally honest: because I don’t have time to contemplate. Turned 33 this fall so my ovaries are singing their farewell...

 

I’d love to bring somebody to the world and raise them being a great human being.

 

Also: genes. The reproductive instinct is a very strong one...

 

Are you willing to lose your current identity and adapt a new one that is "mother"?

 

That is the universal I have heard from mothers. You go into that delivery room one person, and come back out another.

[No_Go]

Why are you the arbiter of when something is "overshared" or not? Is one picture of a cat per month too much? Three? What about if it dies? How many posts are appropriate? Do you see how silly this is?

 

People do things differently than you. People have different values, ideas, and opinions. It doesn't make them invalid, just different.

 

If you ask me personally: none.

 

I guess it is some form of communication that I don’t understand at all, but yeah, whatever makes on happy as long as nobody is offended.

[nospam99]

Turned 33 this fall so my ovaries are singing their farewell...

 

Lot's of aspects to your situation. FWIW my twins were conceived (planned pregnancy with basal thermometer check for ovulation etc. etc.)when my ex-wife was 36. Don't take that as 'ignore the song of your ovaries'. But just sayin'

[No_Go]

Ok, as said I guess I’m not getting the social media concept.

 

Great you love your horse, I wish I had one

 

But hey, I don’t get people that have ‘gangs’ of friends either (my friends for most part don’t even know each other - we meet one-on -one, with rare exceptions).

 

For motherhood: it is scary, that’s why I’m not taking the step yet:) But knowing in mere 2 years my fertile season will end makes it nerve-wracking now or never decision...

 

Again, HUH, WHAT?

 

Losing their identity? What exactly IS an identity to you?

 

If I post a selfie of myself, and my beloved (and so adorable) horse - its because I have lost my identity? I have been a horsemen for 31 of my 39 years on this planet. My horse is a HUGE part of my identity. Not because I have "lost myself" but because horses, and the life style they entail are a huge part of my identity.

 

And if I post a picture of the Mr and I looking extremely dapper at a ball - its not because I have lost a part of myself - its because I enjoy sharing moments of my life. My husband, my loved one, is a HUGE part of my life, and yes, part of my identity.

 

Why do my share pictures of my horse? She is BEAUTIFUL, talented, just amazing . She totally has a fan club (and a number of photographers use her as a model). She is my pride and joy. I love sharing her with others.

 

I don't understand how that is "fake" or has anything to do with losing identity.

 

Again - apparently we are from different planets.

[No_Go]

Lot's of aspects to your situation. FWIW my twins were conceived (planned pregnancy with basal thermometer check for ovulation etc. etc.)when my ex-wife was 36. Don't take that as 'ignore the song of your ovaries'. But just sayin'

 

Fraternal twins are actually quite common in older moms because FSH (hormone making follicules grow) increases. I’m hoping one day to have this happen;)

[nospam99]

Fraternal twins are actually quite common in older moms because FSH (hormone making follicules grow) increases. I’m hoping one day to have this happen;)

 

ROTFLMAO Be careful what you wish for. (I wouldn't trade them for the world but they were more than twice as much work as their singleton sibling. Parents lose the tactical advantage of being a tag team against one opponent. )

[RecentChange]

The reason I bring things I’ve done is very simple (no, it’s not ego): they have occupied a huge chunk of my life&mind, so I can’t avoid mentioning them - there is nothing left to talk about If it sounds egotistical- sorry, but any ideas how to avoid it?

 

Would you say your house, and your professional accomplishments are a part of your identity?

 

Why do you share about them? Why can't you just keep it to yourself?

 

It seems like you are "fake happy" with this house. It stifles your freedom, you are tied to a mortgage. You can't go travel and do other things that you would like to do, because you compromised that for the security of owning. You succumbed to social pressure and bought a house because thats what "adults do". You bought cookware even though you don't cook because you felt like you needed to fall in line. Does that cookware really make you happy?

 

Now - I am not saying all of that with seriousness, but pointing out that you do you not see how this is EXACTLY like how you judge people in relationships, and the way they share about their relationships?

 

Has anyone ever suggested that you may be "on the spectrum"? Your ways of communicating and interpreting others, views of social interactions etc seem to be quite different than the majority of the population.

[lana-banana]

]Has anyone ever suggested that you may be "on the spectrum"? Your ways of communicating and interpreting others, views of social interactions etc seem to be quite different than the majority of the population.

 

I think this is certainly correct and would explain many, many things (including why conventional therapy hasn't been helpful). An evaluation for your place on the spectrum could be life-changing.

[thefooloftheyear]

Didn't read the whole thread....

 

Just a simple observation, and I have noted this from some of your other posts/threads as well....Forgive me for saying this, and I mean no disrespect, (I actually like you, NG:))...

 

I could be off here, we all really don't know for sure, but you seem to have a very "male like" pragmatism to these aspects..

 

Pragmatism works great for guys..It's really a valuable asset for the things us guys have to deal with....But there is almost nothing pragmatic about kids...Its a lot of raw emotion...Sometimes frustration, many times extremely draining...

 

Part of what makes mother's great is their ability to process this stuff without letting raw sense and logic throw it all for a loop...And one of the reason's paired mother/father relationships do well is the Yin/Yang of the male/female experience...(I don't want to get into the vagaries of gay/transgendered parents...it's a topic for another day/thread..)

 

Do some soul searching...I am really trying to not be judgemental...Just making observations...For all I know I could be dead wrong...But this is the general vibe I am feeling...

 

TFY

[Kamille]

Here's a quick recap of a study on why people use social media.

 

Facebook: There are four types of users on the social network, say researchers | The Independent

 

A new study labels the site's two billion monthly users as relationship builders, town criers, selfies, or window shoppers, using a questionnaire with 48 statements respondents were asked to rate.

 

The linked article goes into every of the four types.

 

 

 

 

Something dawned on me as I was doing my work out. You're here often saying you feel "social pressure" and are trying to free yourself from "social pressure". Yet, you judge others fairly quickly, and on things that seem rather benign.

 

Do you think maybe you feel "social pressure" because you spend your time judging others? Please realize few people are as judgemental as you have been in your posts here.

Edited December 14, 2017 by Kamille

[Gaeta]

But I think it is also because i nitpick too much On the surface - it looks good - they have been together for many years, get along nicely etc. And then you realize there were affairs, there were huge compromises, one sacrificed his/her career for the other, there was strategized 'unplanned' pregnancy, there were wandering eyes,

 

This part here.

 

Every couple has an *underneath* it's life happening. You will never find a couple that's been 20 + years together without in their history together some issues, some important issues some less important. Do you think relationships should be smooth sailing all the way? then you may have an unrealistic view of what is a real relationship like.