My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce

[niteandfog]

Tbh the thought of some sort of disorder has crossed my mind. But I spent almost a full day with him the other day and he does behave like a normal human being (I've had very close loved ones with personality disorders) and I didn't see any of the things I've seen in the people who are known to have them.

 

To me it seems like he almost wants to be caught. He's cheesier than a grilled cheese... Like I sometimes feel he's the girl in the relationship.

[Ronnie33]

We've had this discussion before... OP seems to think the fact that he is socially awkward and "says" he has never done this before makes him more sincere and more attractive... The fact that he was fine to wait for sex, when she offered it willingly, meant that he had "good intentions..."

 

again, not saying this to be mean, just saying that we have had this discussion before... And it did nothing to stop OP from rushing into his arms regardless of the consequence.

 

I find nothing attractive about any of this, and I had my own long term affair.

 

I think she's just so desperate for attention that anyone would have done at this point.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Tbh the thought of some sort of disorder has crossed my mind. But I spent almost a full day with him the other day and he does behave like a normal human being (I've had very close loved ones with personality disorders) and I didn't see any of the things I've seen in the people who are known to have them.

 

To me it seems like he almost wants to be caught. He's cheesier than a grilled cheese... Like I sometimes feel he's the girl in the relationship.

 

He probably does, so I hope you're prepared for your husband's reaction. At this rate, it sounds like this is all gonna be out in the open before the holidays. Possibly before the end of the weekend.

[niteandfog]

I just bumped into him while running. He kissed me in public right on the main road!!!

[BaileyB]

I think she's just so desperate for attention that anyone would have done at this point.

 

Very true.

 

Which is why I have said, she's going to learn this lesson the hard way...

[niteandfog]

I actually think he might have planned it at least to some extent. He knew I had to be in that area at that time...

[nittygritty]

Tell your husband that you have been having sex with another man. That should end his fantasies of trying to salvage the marriage and you no longer will be sneaking around behind his back, leading a double life.

[nittygritty]

Nope, it didn't happen in the back of a car. It happened at his place one day he was off work. The serenading is something I'm even struggling to understand. He was drunk, he was on his way back home and decided to sing outside my window. No my H didn't hear a thing he's a deep, deep sleeper.

 

Has your husband cheated on you? Has he ever brought other women to your house to have sex with them? Or gotten drunk and serenaded other women outside their window while their husbands slept beside them? Don't you think you deserve someone that treats you better than that. A man that has more respect for you than that? If not, why not?

[niteandfog]

Well at this pace the whole town will know before Xmas. He keeps saying we need to do things as properly as we can for our children's sake... But why is he being so careless??

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well at this pace the whole town will know before Xmas. He keeps saying we need to do things as properly as we can for our children's sake... But why is he being so careless??

 

Who cares why? The real question is why don't you care that he's being so careless?

[niteandfog]

Clearly I have to talk to him about it... We're gonna get caught otherwise

[BaileyB]

Clearly I have to talk to him about it... We're gonna get caught otherwise

 

Clearly.

 

Has it escaped your awareness that not a single person in this discussion has said that this relationship was a good idea. Does this not give you a moment's pause, on this path to self destruction?

[BaileyB]

Well at this pace the whole town will know before Xmas. He keeps saying we need to do things as properly as we can for our children's sake... But why is he being so careless??

 

Oh my, I think the last thing either one of you are thinking about right now is your children... And to suggest anything otherwise is simply foolish...

[niteandfog]

Clearly! He's I'd assume even more delusional than me

[wmacbride]

I just bumped into him while running. He kissed me in public right on the main road!!!

 

Again, really think about what this is saying.

 

I know is wife may be a persona non grata right now to you, but think about it for a minute. If he is able to show this level of disrespect to his wife, what does that tell you about him as a person?

 

Think about it this way. In her shoes, how would you feel if you heard your husband had been ought cheating and you heard about it from someone else. How would that make you fee as a wife and as a woman?

 

That is what he is doing to his wife. I get that it probably feels really romantic that he's so careless, but my guess is he's like a little boy, running from mommy. He's too chicken sh@t to tell her to her face he wants out of his marriage, so instead, he is hoping to get caught.

 

By any measure that's very cruel. At least you have told your husband you want your M to end.

[wmacbride]

Well at this pace the whole town will know before Xmas. He keeps saying we need to do things as properly as we can for our children's sake... But why is he being so careless??

 

Please, please, PLEASE, if you think it is going to get out and cause fallout for the kids, tell him to stop acting like a jackass.

 

Believe me, it hurts kids to know mom or dad cheated, especially if they hear about it through gossip or they overhear something. That happened to us. My kids found out he had been cheating when their friends overheard their parents talking about it ( small military base, everyone knew everyone). We had to try an explain what all of that crap means to our kids who asked about it and were, at the time, all very young. It hurt them a lot to know what their dad had done.

 

Please, don't put your child in that position. Hearing about it from you or your husband is one ting. Hearing about it from anyone else can be crushing.

[wmacbride]

Please, please, PLEASE, if you think it is going to get out and cause fallout for the kids, tell him to stop acting like a jackass.

 

Believe me, it hurts kids to know mom or dad cheated, especially if they hear about it through gossip or they overhear something. That happened to us. My kids found out he had been cheating when their friends overheard their parents talking about it ( small military base, everyone knew everyone). We had to try an explain what all of that crap means to our kids who asked about it and were, at the time, all very young. It hurt them a lot to know what their dad had done.

 

Please, don't put your child in that position. Hearing about it from you or your husband is one ting. Hearing about it from anyone else can be crushing.

 

OP,

You should follow the advice on this thread. for my part, I should stop trying to post after 4:20 time. When I do, I make too many typos :D:D

 

Just trying to make you laugh. I don't know why, but to me, there is a great sadness behind what you write. You sound like someone who was really hurt at some point, but I have no idea by whom. It is disappointment that your marriage turned out so unlike what your hopes for it wee?

 

What ever the reason for this, I do hope you are okay. I also hope you can find a way to feel better that doesn't hurt anyone else. Have you ever considered giving yourself a break from the hamster wheel and take some time on your own, sans a man ?

Edited November 19, 2017 by wmacbride

[niteandfog]

That is what he is doing to his wife. I get that it probably feels really romantic that he's so careless, but my guess is he's like a little boy, running from mommy. He's too chicken sh@t to tell her to her face he wants out of his marriage, so instead, he is hoping to get caught.

 

By any measure that's very cruel. At least you have told your husband you want your M to end.

 

 

I think that sadly this is the case. He's shown some remorse for doing this behind "everybody's backs". But you don't kiss someone in public on a busy road unless you want to be seen full stop. Ok fine the serenading it was unlikely that someone would see him, but clearly my H is in the house. He knows I'm divorcing but he doesn't really know the state of my marriage.

 

I even told him that for divorce purposes, we had to be discreet for at least 6.months.

 

I do think he's got feelings for.me. He does want out of his marriage, but he simply doesn't even know how and when to do it. But we're going to wreck a lot of stuff (more than we already have) just because he can't face the music.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think that sadly this is the case. He's shown some remorse for doing this behind "everybody's backs". But you don't kiss someone in public on a busy road unless you want to be seen full stop. Ok fine the serenading it was unlikely that someone would see him, but clearly my H is in the house. He knows I'm divorcing but he doesn't really know the state of my marriage.

 

I even told him that for divorce purposes, we had to be discreet for at least 6.months.

 

I do think he's got feelings for.me. He does want out of his marriage, but he simply doesn't even know how and when to do it. But we're going to wreck a lot of stuff (more than we already have) just because he can't face the music.

 

Don't you guys say "I love you?" Didn't you say that? I'm bewildered.

[DKT3]

Don't you guys say "I love you?" Didn't you say that? I'm bewildered.

 

She is as happy as she can be because of the way this guy she barely knows is acting. What we see as at the very least odd, but more likely the actions of someone who is not mentally balanced, she see as romantic overtures. "Oh he really wants me" my guess is it will soon be "oh why is he breaking into my house stealing my underwear". Slight attempt at humor, but it's really not a funny situation.

[Bufo]

You should probably take up long distance running. Because you have two men you should probably be running from right now.

 

Go see a local lawyer and learn what divorce is really about and how your life will

change. It helps to provide a rational decision whether to divorce or not.

 

OM from your description seems like some sort of split personality. You have to do some deep introspection and think about whether you should tie your boat to that anchor or not.

[niteandfog]

Divorce is so that unfortunately probably does need to happen.

 

OM might be mentally unstable, I truly don't know. Maybe he is and he knows his wife will forgive him , so that's why he's so careless.

[darkbloom]

Being so careless shows that he is selfish and unconcerned with the consequences of his actions. Look yourself in the mirror and honestly answer this question "am I prepared for the consequences if this gets out?"

 

Anything less than yes means you should break it off right now. (FYI, no one is ever ready, and this sh-t hurts and is irreversible.)

 

This train is about to crash.

[merrmeade]

Just wondering, niteandfog, are you seriously considering any of the advice you're getting? It seemed like you posted for help with getting out of your marriage, and you've only casuallly engaged with the other lines the discussion has taken.

 

Are you upset about anything that's happened? Your report of you and your husband's interactions about the divorce seem so ho-hum annoying and boring for you. How DO you feel about it?

 

On the other hand, you've got this exciting mad hatter of a boyfriend, thrilling and surprising you with his romantic impulsivity.

[niteandfog]

My H has after a few days of pain, surprisingly well. We've agreed to most terms (if not all) but we're going for counseling and then make a final decision.

 

The truth is that our marriage is broken. I guess it was broken beyond any possibility of repair once I became open (and even wishful) to the idea of an affair. This was probably a year ago if not longer.

 

I don't want my husband anymore, I care about him in my own way (as I know he would be destroyed if he ever knows about the A), I still wish him the best. I don't think I'll be ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to him, no matter how much abuse I received from him.