My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce

[elaine567]

My H has after a few days of pain, surprisingly well. We've agreed to most terms (if not all) but we're going for counseling and then make a final decision.

 

The truth is that our marriage is broken. I guess it was broken beyond any possibility of repair once I became open (and even wishful) to the idea of an affair. This was probably a year ago if not longer.

 

I don't want my husband anymore, I care about him in my own way (as I know he would be destroyed if he ever knows about the A), I still wish him the best. I don't think I'll be ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to him, no matter how much abuse I received from him.

 

Why on earth are you going to counselling?

Is that not just cruelty?

You are raising the hopes of the poor man when you have no intention of staying in this marriage...

[niteandfog]

Why on earth are you going to counselling?

Is that not just cruelty?

You are raising the hopes of the poor man when you have no intention of staying in this marriage...

 

We're mostly going to be able to keep things amicably and to know how to break the news to our daughter...

[wmacbride]

We're mostly going to be able to keep things amicably and to know how to break the news to our daughter...

 

It's good that you are doing this. It can make it much easier on your child.

 

 

I was reading your latest responses, and there is really something "off" about this guy.

 

The idea that he "serenaded" you ( was he drinking?) in the middle of the night, not caring who saw him or who he woke up.

 

Think about that for a minute. This guy came to your house and risked waking up your husband and child. Think of what the outcome of that may have been? There's be a very angry husband who would be even angrier if he found out you had been cheating because your other man was out on the lawn making an ass out of himself. Imagine what that would have been like for your daughter.

 

What kind of a person does this? Your husband would likely have been freaking out, and om may well have found himself running down the street, your soon to be ex in hot pursuit, ready to kick his rear.

 

One it's face, his behvaior may sound cute, romantic and maybe even a bit funny. When you look beneath the surface, it's not. It's like he's in high school.

[niteandfog]

Yes, he was very, very drunk. He knew my daughter was at a sleepover (not that it would have made any difference I think).

 

I also checked his GPS for yesterday's run , he went round in circles in the area he knew I was going to be, so he did plan it. He's not thinking of any consequences whatsoever.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, he was very, very drunk. He knew my daughter was at a sleepover (not that it would have made any difference I think).

 

I also checked his GPS for yesterday's run , he went round in circles in the area he knew I was going to be, so he did plan it. He's not thinking of any consequences whatsoever.

 

How do you feel about this?

[niteandfog]

How do you feel about this?

 

I honestly don't know... Part of me thinks well at least I do know he loves me (maybe in a slightly obsessive way) but his feelings are genuine nonetheless.

 

Then there's the part of the children... This is a VERY small town. He says we need to do things as properly as we can, for in theory our kids have to get used to the idea of US. But being so careless doesn't seem to play well with this argument. The children WILL know. His wife teaches at our children's school.

 

At least I'm taking the first step (which is independent of us to some extent), but he's done nothing. He should talk to his wife before we get caught. There's some damage control that can be done, but once the cat is out of the hat there will be nothing left to do :/

[BaileyB]

It's not love. How can it be love - you hardly know each other. Do some reading - on the stages of relationships and limerance.

 

At best, what he feels is infatuation for you, and it is obsessive at that... you have a way of taking things that would be red flags to anyone else and turning them into examples of love and compatibility...

 

I love the earlier post - you should keep training because you are going to want to run from two men and an upset wife in the very near future... having lived in a very small town, this is going to be the TALK of the town when it comes out... which shouldn't be long. Be prepared.

Edited November 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[deadsoul]

My H has after a few days of pain, surprisingly well. We've agreed to most terms (if not all) but we're going for counseling and then make a final decision.

 

The truth is that our marriage is broken. I guess it was broken beyond any possibility of repair once I became open (and even wishful) to the idea of an affair. This was probably a year ago if not longer.

 

I don't want my husband anymore, I care about him in my own way (as I know he would be destroyed if he ever knows about the A), I still wish him the best. I don't think I'll be ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to him, no matter how much abuse I received from him.

 

This is a step in the right direction, OP.

 

I'm not going to sit here and tell you what everyone else says because I have a feeling it will fall on deaf ears.

 

Divorce is a big step. Your daughter needs you. Please put your focus on HER and making the transition for her go smoother. Keep your focus on your running. That's a good thing too.

 

Do not focus on OM. Take a break. Tell him you are going to sort your life out and he should do the same. Once you both are in a stable place, then test out the waters and see where it goes.

 

I have a feeling you'll ignore my advice... but there it is. Good luck, OP.

[grass-hopper]

It's not love. How can it be love - you hardly know each other. Do some reading - on the stages of relationships and limerance.

 

At best, niteandfog, through this affair fog you must be able to recognize these feelings are not the real deal. Even though it feels as though it is. It’s all down to those feel good brain chemicals. Take the advice from BaileyB and read up on limerance. It takes you stage by stage on what people going through while in limerance. Someone posted a podcast in one of the threads by Joe Beam. I can’t find it. But maybe you can look it up and listen while on a run. It’s very insightful.

 

I am in a similar situation as you so I am not here to call you out. But I think you are making a mistake in making such a huge life changing decision (the divorce) while you are in the midst of this A. This decision that will affect more than just you but a whole bunch of other innocent people. The most important one which is your child.

 

You should leave both men. And work on YOU so that you will be a better mother and a happier more confident person who deserves more.

Edited November 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[niteandfog]

Well I'm officially co-responsible of two family breakdowns. He's just told his wife he wants to leave her.

[S2B]

Be cautious... unless you plan to be his wife - while he chases after other women to kiss them in public and have sex in your home.

 

I'm unsure why you think this man is appealing. He's just a disrespectful cheater.

[S2B]

Well I'm officially co-responsible of two family breakdowns. He's just told his wife he wants to leave her.

 

Good luck with him... you're about to be left with the booby prize.

[BaileyB]

Well I'm officially co-responsible of two family breakdowns. He's just told his wife he wants to leave her.

 

And how does that feel when you look in the mirror today?

[Confusedlady77]

Have read this thread from start to finish and just ugh. OP - you seem to have no conscience at all and it's hard to see where your daughter fits into this situation at all.

 

To be honest you both sound well suited. You both come across as immature, selfish and emotionally stunted.

[niteandfog]

He could say the same thing... That I'm a cheater. Something that I don't plan to be ever again.

 

I don't plan to marry him, financially it's just way too complicated, plus I have my daughter to think about, she's the rightful future owner of everything I own.

[Cullenbohannon]

WaywardS saying not to confess to spare the BS the pain is a false statement.

 

Except if you are going to immediately divorce.

 

You started down this path, Nitefog, now finish it.

 

Divorce your husband and make your life what it will be.

[niteandfog]

WaywardS saying not to confess to spare the BS the pain is a false statement.

 

Except if you are going to immediately divorce.

 

You started down this path, Nitefog, now finish it.

 

Divorce your husband and make your life what it will be.

 

But I am.. we've agreed on the terms..I'm finalizing it by EOW

[wmacbride]

I honestly don't know... Part of me thinks well at least I do know he loves me (maybe in a slightly obsessive way) but his feelings are genuine nonetheless.

 

Then there's the part of the children... This is a VERY small town. He says we need to do things as properly as we can, for in theory our kids have to get used to the idea of US. But being so careless doesn't seem to play well with this argument. The children WILL know. His wife teaches at our children's school.

 

At least I'm taking the first step (which is independent of us to some extent), but he's done nothing. He should talk to his wife before we get caught. There's some damage control that can be done, but once the cat is out of the hat there will be nothing left to do :/

 

Please think about his behavior a bit more.

 

He is acting like an idiot. It's go nothing to do with love. It's becoming obsessive, and that can be dangerous.

[wmacbride]

But I am.. we've agreed on the terms..I'm finalizing it by EOW

 

Okay, I'm confused. You can finalize a divorce in less than two weeks?

[niteandfog]

I don't mean finalised as being single again..just that we're talking to lawyers to get the ball rolling.

[wmacbride]

I don't mean finalised as being single again..just that we're talking to lawyers to get the ball rolling.

 

Thanks for the clarification. I was wondering where you lived that you could get a divorce so fast.

[Bufo]

One tip. Arrange your affairs first and without regard to his situation. I know. I know nothing of him but I can guess he is the type who will try to inveigle himself into your life once he has learned you are getting divorced

 

His divorce (if it happens) isn't your divorce so his advice must be politely ignored. Your divorce isn't his business so deflect any attempts to become involved in divorce conversations.

 

Have you seen a lawyer yet? Do so to learn what divorce involves and what your life may look like afterwards. Learn if fault has any bearing on property split and custody issues. Learn how long it may take contested or uncontested.

 

Be careful. BF isn't acting like he's 100% wrapped together. I hope he finds another target for his affection. He is a distraction you don't need right now.

[niteandfog]

I filed for divorce yesterday. My AP wasn't nosey about it at all. He just wished me luck and the like. My STBXH has become a total *hole regarding the splitting of assets. He's basically keeping everything and I'm just getting $30k... So glad I don't have to share my life with someone so greedy.

 

He says he'll be out of his house before the year ends.

 

I'm getting my own place soon, but he's not moving in. We both know that if our kids are to accept our relationship we have to delay the meeting for a very long time, although he's hopeful we'll spend next Xmas together.

 

I've spoken to different therapists and they've both seen my AF as a positive thing. He's helped me mend my relationship with my sister and bizarrely even with my dad.

[whichwayisup]

I'll try to keep it short. this man hunted me down (through social media). It all started flirty and we even sexted. but the more we know each other the more it becomes mellow and romantic and less and less "sexy".

 

We've said a few "i love yous" here and there, we've kissed. He keeps telling me I helped him find "his voice" again, that I'm the closest thing he's had to a best friend in a long time...

 

If it was only sex, I would have already given it to him (and he knows this), what would he get out telling me all of this?

 

the connection is genuine, it really is. But what does he actually want?

 

Its good you're divorcing your husband but as for this MM, you really don't "know" him. So in less than a month you're thinking you two will end up together, he'll divorce his wife and by next year it'll be a happy blended family? Sorry but if you truly believe this, you need to find a new therapist. And your kids/his kids will have a lot of adjusting to do and possibly counseling IF you two do become a real couple.

[niteandfog]

I don't believe it... I'm hopeful. Yes I don't know him. He might be a nightmare to live with. He could do all sorts of things that right now I'm clueless about and might really annoy me.

 

All I know is that if I had met him 10 years ago or even now under "normal" circumstances I would still have wanted to date him.

 

We've actually talked about dating once he moves out. Actual dating... Like going out for meals and concerts. He's not moving in with me. We're not thinking we'll be a perfect blended family a year from now.... Simply that we'll be able to go public about our relationship.