Colin Grant Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 I'm actually not.... I know things won't always be this way. But I'm enjoying while it lasts. My Stbxh doesnt need to know anything... He's so insecure it will definitely break him. He's already started saying once I'm out of the house I'll start dating a runner :/ This is the first time I've read a story whereby two trains are on the same track and the engineer (niteandfog) of one train and train traffic controllers (posters) can foresee a deadly head on collision coming. But, despite the forewarning of destruction impacting the lives of many, the engineer (niteandfog) refuses to use instruments to alter the course of the train and avoid destroyinga train full of innocent passengers (AP, AP's wife, kids and extended family). The engineer who admits to having little experience, nonetheless ignores the advice given to her by main terminal officials (posters) and makes a singular decision to continue onward because the speed and power of the train feels so good she selfishly decides to stay the course. Same speed, same track. For me, although the train is approaching speeds similar to the high speed trains in Japan and China, it's like they're going in slow motion and there's not a damn thing I can do about the destruction and collateral damage that is about to happen. Cars will be mangled, emotional remains will be scattered, and hearts will be broken of people you will never meet. Niteandfog. I get it that you are lonely, hungry for a relationship, and feel uniquely compatible with a married man. Replace yourself and your inexperience with dignity and love for others and you may be able to walk away from this certain trainwreck. If you care for him, do for him what he can't do for himself and get on a dating site and replace him, so that he doesn't have to endure discovery day for his wife, kids and extended family. So that he and his wife and children don't have to spend time and money going through IC and MC, or worse separation and divorce. You have the power to make it stop. Please. Please do so, before many people get hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 This is the first time I've read a story whereby two trains are on the same track and the engineer (niteandfog) of one train and train traffic controllers (posters) can foresee a deadly head on collision coming. But, despite the forewarning of destruction impacting the lives of many, the engineer (niteandfog) refuses to use instruments to alter the course of the train and avoid destroyinga train full of innocent passengers (AP, AP's wife, kids and extended family). The engineer who admits to having little experience, nonetheless ignores the advice given to her by main terminal officials (posters) and makes a singular decision to continue onward because the speed and power of the train feels so good she selfishly decides to stay the course. Same speed, same track. For me, although the train is approaching speeds similar to the high speed trains in Japan and China, it's like they're going in slow motion and there's not a damn thing I can do about the destruction and collateral damage that is about to happen. Cars will be mangled, emotional remains will be scattered, and hearts will be broken of people you will never meet. Niteandfog. I get it that you are lonely, hungry for a relationship, and feel uniquely compatible with a married man. Replace yourself and your inexperience with dignity and love for others and you may be able to walk away from this certain trainwreck. If you care for him, do for him what he can't do for himself and get on a dating site and replace him, so that he doesn't have to endure discovery day for his wife, kids and extended family. So that he and his wife and children don't have to spend time and money going through IC and MC, or worse separation and divorce. You have the power to make it stop. Please. Please do so, before many people get hurt. Good advice, but with all due respect... I think OP is committed to stay the course. The only thing left to do now is to wait for the crash and see how she is able to pick up the pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 2, 2017 Author Share Posted December 2, 2017 I don't mean to sound vindictive, but didn't we BOTH get into this mess? He's the one who looked for me and chased me. Not the other way around. I'm actually not that lonely... I'm not the type that's always longing to be with someone. I actually like being on my own. I'm looking forward to spending evenings just by myself with my dog , that I never had the chance before. So if things don't work out with this dude, if he doesn't leave her by the time I move out, he's out of the picture. I do care for him, and he does care for me I don't think our feelings are fake in that way. If it turns out everything was a lie to get me to bed, well then and only then I might tell his wife. If he simply never has the courage to leave her even though "he's waited for me his whole life and would do anything in his power to make the rest of my life the happiest I could ever have" . Then no hard feelings, we'll just go separate ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Colin Grant Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 ...... behind the fact that he approached you. That's weak and it's called deflection. Integrity means doing the right thing regardless of extenuating circumstances. If you were married to him or someone you love and you caught your husband or he confessed to an affair, would it be acceptable to you if he said, "well she approached me first". Children say that when they're in a squabble. He hit me first, so I hit him back. Don't hide behind this disgraceful pattern of deceit, justifications and rationalization. Too much blame shifting and not enough blame ownership. To say it's is his fault as much as anyone's is meaningless. That fact has NOTHING to do with you having the ability to stop what's wrong. You will have a more meaningful impact on his life if you force him to stand up for his family. He'll never forget it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 So if things don't work out with this dude, if he doesn't leave her by the time I move out, he's out of the picture. I do care for him, and he does care for me I don't think our feelings are fake in that way. If it turns out everything was a lie to get me to bed, well then and only then I might tell his wife. If he simply never has the courage to leave her, then no hard feelings, we'll just go separate ways. That sounds like it was worth breaking up his family, dividing his assets, and losing full custody of his children... Not. I'm sure that you are just trying to protect your feelings, and I am glad to hear that you're not so love struck that you are willing to waste years of your life fauning over an unavailable man... But, it's just so weird to hear you say "if it doesn't work out with this dude, then no worries. I'll just spend some time with my dog until the next man comes along..." For you, this was a classic exit affair. Your marriage was all but over and you probably would have divorced at some point anyway. You have entered into this relationship with not very much to lose. He however, stands to lose a lot. We'll see how committed he is and how much he is willing to gamble. Only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 2, 2017 Author Share Posted December 2, 2017 That sounds like it was worth breaking up his family, dividing his assets, and losing full custody of his children... Not. I'm sure that you are just trying to protect your feelings, and I am glad to hear that you're not so love struck that you are willing to waste years of your life fauning over an unavailable man... But, it's just so weird to hear you say "if it doesn't work out with this dude, then no worries. I'll just spend some time with my dog until the next man comes along..." For you, this was a classic exit affair. Your marriage was all but over and you probably would have divorced at some point anyway. You have entered into this relationship with not very much to lose. He however, stands to lose a lot. We'll see how committed he is and how much he is willing to gamble. Only time will tell. I think he's mostly worried about losing his kids. According to him his marriage was over even before he got married (they lived together and had children many years before getting married). He told me today "it's time to move on with my life" . We'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 I think he's mostly worried about losing his kids. According to him his marriage was over even before he got married (they lived together and had children many years before getting married). He told me today "it's time to move on with my life" . We'll see. I hope things work out in a way that everyone in this situation is able to find happiness and peace. I still believe your focus should remain on you and your daughter. Good luck, OP and please keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 2, 2017 Author Share Posted December 2, 2017 I hope things work out in a way that everyone in this situation is able to find happiness and peace. I still believe your focus should remain on you and your daughter. Good luck, OP and please keep us posted. I know ive portrait him like this careless man, but in reality I think he actually has some clarity in his head. He's said things like "we all deserve to be happy, that's why we have to do things as best as we can even though we're doing this behind everybody's backs". On Thursday he told me (almost verbatim) "we have to do things right, for you, for me, for everyone involved". And I'm truly committed to make this work, but I can only commit if both of us are free. I have no idea of what were his original intentions , I know what mine were (yes typical exit affair)... But what took us completely by surprise is that as he put it once "I never expected that you would be YOU". Link to post Share on other sites
grass-hopper Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 I'm looking forward to spending evenings just by myself with my dog , that I never had the chance before.. No mention of time with your child? Sad Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 3, 2017 Author Share Posted December 3, 2017 No mention of time with your child? Sad Just because I don't mention her doesn't mean I don't care about her. I'm already the main parent, so how is that going to change? Not much. But I do look forward to yea finally be able to have a piano and share my love for music with her. Or to finally get a dog and we can both go on walks with it... She can finally have a Bat Mitzvah if she wants one! My mom will be able to spend more time with her, in fact the same applies for my family in general. All of those things were impossible while married. She's going to see a happy mummy and for her that's going to be priceless Link to post Share on other sites
grass-hopper Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 Just because I don't mention her doesn't mean I don't care about her. I'm already the main parent, so how is that going to change? Not much. But I do look forward to yea finally be able to have a piano and share my love for music with her. Or to finally get a dog and we can both go on walks with it... She can finally have a Bat Mitzvah if she wants one! My mom will be able to spend more time with her, in fact the same applies for my family in general. All of those things were impossible while married. She's going to see a happy mummy and for her that's going to be priceless I’m no one to judge. Maybe I was projecting my own unresolved A issues. I’m sure you do love your child. Leaving an unhappy marriage and aiming to make life happier for you and your child is a good decision. Unfortunately there’s an A in your process that might make things more difficult or might distort things for you. But you are the driver to your own destiny. I think everyone here is just trying to help you see there are different easier paths in your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 3, 2017 Author Share Posted December 3, 2017 So my AP stood.up.on me today. I do think there's something going on as his messaging patterns were very different past night and he read my message around 3-4 am . What am I supposed to do from here? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 So my AP stood.up.on me today. I do think there's something going on as his messaging patterns were very different past night and he read my message around 3-4 am . What am I supposed to do from here? It is still the same process for you... You have no choice except to wait around for him and see if he actually wants or does leave his wife and continue his relationship with you. This is what having an affair is like for most Other women... Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 3, 2017 Author Share Posted December 3, 2017 But will he ghost me? I hope he doesn't. I understand if he wants to stay with her or can't leave her or whatever. But I think I deserve at least a good bye Link to post Share on other sites
BrokeInside Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 I did read everything As a cheated husband, even if my marriage was not perfect, it just killed me inside when i did found out my wife was cheating on me since many month. It broke my trust in people and broke me to the ground, i lost my self esteem and she didnt respect our little children in the process. Your daughter will have to see a happy mother and this is going to be priceless ? My mother ended her marriage with three kids, run off with her true love 23 years ago and my sisters still didnt forgave her. My mother was happy but we only got despair into that. The new guy was a total dick with us many times and my mother ended divorced again with another kids in the second wedding. I dont wish you anything, i wish you to be happy, but dont over expect things because you did decide to choose a very destructive path for everyone. in my opinion, you should have leave before the cheating stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 3, 2017 Author Share Posted December 3, 2017 So after swearing undying love and having a normal day for us... In theory he was going to have "the chat" with his wife. Ever since that last message where he told me that we would meet for our usual run... He hasn't replied. He stood me up this morning... He didn't read my message from last night until 3-4am this morning, and he hasn't replied to the one I sent this morning. This is SO unusual of him. He always wished me good morning/night and well he never reads them and not reply. Do I confront him or just wait? I at least deserve a good bye (if that's what's really happening). Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 I'm sorry. I'm not surprised, but I'm sure that this hurts. How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 The chat with his wife probably involved him telling her about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 3, 2017 Author Share Posted December 3, 2017 I'm doing ok...and yes that's my biggest concern that he actually told her about me, I don't know why he would but maybe couldn't deal with the guilt. I'm seeing my best friend as I need someone in real life to confide. The problem is she's very close to my Stbxh .. but I'm just kind of lost. I still have faith he'll at least give me some sort of explanation soon. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 Either that, or she asked him to stay and he reconsidered. Let's be honest here... This guy has poor judgment and he makes impulsive decisions. I would not be surprised if he flip flopped for a while. Or perhaps, sanity has somehow prevailed and he changed his mind about staying with his family. Time to focus on your daughter and think about what you want for YOUR life now, as a single mother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 3, 2017 Author Share Posted December 3, 2017 Yeah,I've thought of a possible mental breakdown too. I think eventually he will leave, he says how much it messed him up that his parents were in a loveless marriage until his dad died. Again I don't mind if it's over, I just want a chance to say farewell, good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 (edited) [N]ot sure how long you’ve been involved and what your future plans were. Either way, it could be that he never had the talk with BS, or they did and he promised her to reconcile and N.C., or he needs some space. Such talks are stressful, and even if he loves you, and wants to build a future with you, he may be super stressed out and feel like crap right now. Still not an excuse for going radio silent, but those are the possible explanations I can think of. And yes - IF they had the talk, be prepared for some intense flip flopping. Edited December 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator References to other threads redacted Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 Yeah,I've thought of a possible mental breakdown too. I think eventually he will leave, he says how much it messed him up that his parents were in a loveless marriage until his dad died. Again I don't mind if it's over, I just want a chance to say farewell, good luck. You can do that right now. Tell him that because of the silence, you’re assuming he’s changed his mind. See what he says, if anything..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted December 3, 2017 Author Share Posted December 3, 2017 (edited) [] The last message I sent him went like this: Good morning my darling! I waited for you until around 850... No biggie, I'm sure you had your reasons (and hopefully nothing major!). Anyways, if you want to chat I'm here for you, I really mean it. I do love you... I hope you have a nice Sunday I guess he's gone silent for 24hrs now. Which on the other hand doesn't seem long enough to go all "well I guess this is over" when I knew his wife gave him an ultimatum of making up his mind by yesterday evening Edited December 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Discussion of old thread redacted Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 3, 2017 Share Posted December 3, 2017 Again I don't mind if it's over, I just want a chance to say farewell, good luck. I do love you... If you really loved him, you'd mind if it's over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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