My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce

[S2B]

So much has happened!

 

In a nutshell... he technically left her on Saturday, he stupidly sent her a message meant for me to her... she connected the dots, her family went nuts, they wanted to come to my place and look for answers, kids were crying, they were sent to a friend's house.

 

Because of all the drama caused, they decided to pretend to be a family to at least save Christmas the best way they could. I almost left him on Monday, told my stbxh the truth. My stbxh took the news extremely well (it's not 100% his fault our marriage is dead anymore!)

 

I realised him leaving his wife is not my number one priority, my number one priority right now is to get out of my house and get a new place. Get my freedom, then the rest will sort itself out.

 

You told your stbxH the truth? You told him you've been having an affair?

[S2B]

If/since your OMM has stayed now, after telling his wife...expect him to stay no matter what.

 

The Christmas is coming is an excuse - his wife will beg him to stay and he won't make change happen.

 

He will still want you to be his secret - his OW. Is that enough for you?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If/since your OMM has stayed now, after telling his wife...expect him to stay no matter what.

 

The Christmas is coming is an excuse - his wife will beg him to stay and he won't make change happen.

 

He will still want you to be his secret - his OW. Is that enough for you?

 

For her sake, I hope not.

[elaine567]

I realised him leaving his wife is not my number one priority, my number one priority right now is to get out of my house and get a new place. Get my freedom, then the rest will sort itself out.

I think niteandfog has realised that she had her taste of freedom. She liked it and she doesn't actually need to keep dining at the same restaurant.

She has realised she doesn't actually NEED her MM to be happy.

 

This is not like the single woman who is desperate for her MM to leave his wife so that she can take her place, this is an unhappily married woman who has just found the courage to leave.

Now the difficult bit is over, she is asking does she really need this guy? Does it really matter if he leaves his wife or not? I guess not.

[niteandfog]

@elaine spot on!

 

And now, his wife knows for certain he has a thing for me. He denied any sort of involvement to save my reputation.

 

My Stbxh knows everything.

[niteandfog]

In a nutshell if he keeps his word, great! I'm sure we can have an awesome relationship. If he doesn't, well thanks for participating and showing me I can be happy again... I've found my own path again.

[stillafool]

@elaine spot on!

 

And now, his wife knows for certain he has a thing for me. He denied any sort of involvement to save my reputation.

 

My Stbxh knows everything.

 

 

His wife should know that he has more than just "a thing for you". Has he told her he is in love with you?

[Minnie09]

His wife should know that he has more than just "a thing for you". Has he told her he is in love with you?

 

Why should that make a difference? She knows that an OW is in the picture (IF that’s true at all - and we don’t know that, as guys seem to be more conflict avoidant than women are), and she (bw) now has to deal with this. It’s all in her hands. Provided that her WH is not making a decision before she does ( which in my opinion is not very likely, because, see above, guys are not very happy when they have to deal with conflict). I don’t think in this scenario it matters anymore if he has a thing for her, or if he is in love with her. He told his wife, and he told her for a reason, and that should be all that matters. Why pick things apart? Quite frankly, and we’re assuming that he really did tell his wife about it, Would it make a difference to you if he was seriously in love with her or if he just had a thing for her? I mean come on - he told you about her. Shouldn’t that be enough? He probably told you for a reason.....

Edited December 7, 2017 by Minnie09

[wmacbride]

I have a snaking suspicion the conversation between the op's mm and his wife went something like this:

 

bs- "who is this woman you've been talking to? Why are you spending so much time with her? Is something going on?"

 

mm- " of course not honey. I'd never do that. You know I only love you. She's just some chick that can't keep away from me. Why don't you trust me? how dare you accuse me of cheating'...

 

yadda, yadda, yadda. (there really ought to be a book of lines ws use on their bs...mind you, it would be a very short book, as they all seem to use pretty much the same lines)

 

Personally, I couldn't be part of a situation where someone was being treated with such disrespect, but to each their own, I guess.

[BaileyB]

This whole situation makes me so sad... so many lives destroyed with such little thought. You have contributed to the destruction of another family, and then say... "Oh well, if we stay together, that's great. But if not, I have found my own path..." If I was his wife, I would be absolutely furious with you both.

 

OP, I hope you find your happiness but I remain doubtful. And, I hope that you are a more considerate parent than you present here.

Edited December 7, 2017 by BaileyB

[georgia girl]

Like others, I'm afraid that neither OP nor the BS have gotten the whole truth and nothing but... .

 

What we are supposed to believe from him was that at the same time that he was going to sit down his wife, tell her that he'd fallen in love with someone else and that he wanted to move out and get a divorce, he inadvertently sent a text to his wife that was meant for OP and the resulting fallout was so bad for OP that MM decided to go home and make things right for the holidays and then he could leave immediately after. Um... what?!

 

Let's pick this apart a bit. If he were genuinely intent on leaving, the text would have been an unfortunate - but not devastating - circumstance. He would have lost the opportunity for a controlled environment to share his news, but all other outcomes would have been the same. In fact, faced with the reality that there was indeed another woman, it should have hastened the exit.

 

But, it seems that after causing and seeing the genuine distress of his family, the MM and his Bs decided to play "happy families" for Christmas? But, that the separation plans are still very much on? Doesn't that seem odd? That she's willing to take him back for Christmas? Or that he would want to stay there with the day in/day out drama of separation and an affair going on at home? It would seem both would want to be shod of each other.

 

Unless... he's not telling the OP the whole story. That is, he's told her up to a point, the truth and nothing but. What I really suspect happened was that he was careless, screwed up the texts and who knows if he was really going to have the conversation or not but it suddenly got forced on him. When it did, he saw the first-hand devastation of his family coupled with, I suspect, getting temporarily thrown out of the house and not voluntarily leaving. (Why do I suspect thrown out vs. leaving? Because he went back there when the break had been made. If he had wanted it, it was easy enough to stay gone.) Then, I think to get back in the house and an undo all of the damage he'd just heaped on his family, he apologized, said it was over and promised his wife fake reconciliation. In the meantime, he's reaching out to the OP and promising her a future after the holidays.

 

Why? Because it really is all about him and what he wants. He wants OP. He wants to have a fling with her. He wants to future fake and daydream about a future. But he also wants his family and his happy life at home. So, he's going to try and do what so many men have done before him and thread the needle. I'll give it to him. He's pretty brash. It would be hard enough to thread that needle when his wife didn't already suspect. But when she knows, it's the holidays and he has to engage with both her and the OP in enough amounts that both feel like he is truly "theirs"? Well, he's got his work cut out for him.

 

OP, you sound like you really wanted out of your marriage. You also sound like you were desperate to fall in love again. I don't think separating from your husband is a bad idea and I really do hope you and your husband both engage in co-parenting in a loving and helpful environment for your daughter. I believe you guys can do that without being married and I wish you all the luck in the world with that.

 

On the other hand, you posted earlier that you have some underlying BH issues that I think you should work on now by getting a counselor and medication if you need it. I fear that this guy is about to take you on a heckuva emotional ride and I fear that you aren't well-prepared to see him for who he really is.

[BaileyB]

Agreed, if he had made the decision to leave and he was committed to the decision, the "accidentally discovered" text message would not have mattered... and he would not be staying with his family for Christmas.

[niteandfog]

Just to clarify it was never in his plans to come clean. Not I think it will be. He just wants a clean separation so our small town won't judge us.

[somanymistakes]

People are strange and unpredictable creatures.

 

I certainly suspect he hasn't told his wife much of anything, based on the text message reaction. While it would be hurtful, even if he'd told her the truth, it wouldn't require the same amount of scrambling.

 

On the other hand, "staying with the family through christmas" is legitimately a thing people who want to divorce and have kids sometimes do, because they don't want the kids to associate christmas with the family splitting up.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just to clarify it was never in his plans to come clean. Not I think it will be. He just wants a clean separation so our small town won't judge us.

 

Small town....everyone will know....and judge. It's inescapable, sorry to tell him. You don't seem to care so much about that.

[BaileyB]

Just to clarify it was never in his plans to come clean. Not I think it will be. He just wants a clean separation so our small town won't judge us.

 

Too late. You chose the behavior, you accept the consequences.

 

My best friend's mother was caught having an affair with the neighbour down the street when we were children. The mother left town to get away from the situation and my best friend refuses to talk about the situation, even to this day. It changed the entire course of all their lives...

 

To think that you could do something like is and not get caught/have to deal with the consequences and judgment is as incredibly entitled, selfish and unrealistic.

Edited December 8, 2017 by BaileyB

[jenkins95]

He denied any sort of involvement to save my reputation.

 

Well what a hero!! (Rolls eyes)

 

Come on niteandfog, he denied involvement TO SAVE HIS OWN ASS! Surely you see that?

[jah526]

In a nutshell if he keeps his word, great! I'm sure we can have an awesome relationship. If he doesn't, well thanks for participating and showing me I can be happy again... I've found my own path again.

 

Have you told him this? Maybe the fact that you can take him or leave him, doesn't really matter, would help him decide whether he should blow up his life for you.

 

Do the kind thing and let him go.

[S2B]

@elaine spot on!

 

And now, his wife knows for certain he has a thing for me. He denied any sort of involvement to save my reputation.

 

My Stbxh knows everything.

 

So, in reality, he never intended to tell her last weekend...and he's not planning to move... did I get that right?

 

If so, he's just a common cheater and liar.

[niteandfog]

So, in reality, he never intended to tell her last weekend...and he's not planning to move... did I get that right?

 

If so, he's just a common cheater and liar.

 

No that was his plan. And according to him it almost happened until he sent the text.

 

Also, as a side note, his wife is currently in hospital, so it wasn't the best timing either. (It's a programmed thing)

[BaileyB]

No that was his plan. And according to him it almost happened until he sent the text.

 

Also, as a side note, his wife is currently in hospital, so it wasn't the best timing either. (It's a programmed thing)

 

Well, that just makes it even worse... Are you for real? Why would he plan to leave his wife and the mother of his children days before she is scheduled to go into hospital? That's terrible.

[S2B]

This guy sounds like a bigger jerk as time goes on.

[niteandfog]

Well, that just makes it even worse... Are you for real? Why would he plan to leave his wife and the mother of his children days before she is scheduled to go into hospital? That's terrible.

 

I think all morals have been thrown through the window. Who with a clean conscience would have sex with their AP the day their spouse is in hospital.

 

I think he's completely emotionally detached from her.

[Confusedlady77]

I think all morals have been thrown through the window. Who with a clean conscience would have sex with their AP the day their spouse is in hospital.

 

I think he's completely emotionally detached from her.

 

He sounds like he has no conscience to be honest. I'd be detaching myself from him if I were you.

[BaileyB]

I think all morals have been thrown through the window. Who with a clean conscience would have sex with their AP the day their spouse is in hospital.

 

I think he's completely emotionally detached from her.

 

Who, with a clean conscience, would have done a lot of the things he has done...

 

That is a rationalization, to make his behavior better in your mind. If he is "emotionally detatched" from her, then it's ok for him to leave his wife in the hospital and come and have sex with you. But - it's not.

 

Imagine, that you are her. Imagine, how that would feel. And know... That someday, you will be her. This guy has no conscience - if he will do it to her, he will do it to you. It's only a matter of time.