ladydesigner Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 I've been in your situation so I'm not judging you but one day you will think back and feel, how can you trust him knowing how he is capable of pretending on working on a marriage to the extent of attending marriage counseling. It's not so much the affair, as many of us have been there, its the giving of false hope to his wife. It's done with full awareness that one is manipulating the other person, luring into a position of false security and hope for the future. I think that's cruel. If you don't want someone, you be honest and let him/her go. Anything else is just wrong. And I don't think he's doing it for you. I think he's doing it for himself. He's hedging his bets. This ^^^Exactly! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Well another update. He's refused now to go to therapy as he says nothing will change. He said he's happy to go.to help with the split / co-parenting but that nothing will make the love come back again. Well co-parenting is something we've briefly talked about. Our kids take priority, but we'll try to have the same days free so to speak. Eventually we do plan to blend the families but that's at least a year from now when we can permanently move in together. Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Well another update. He's refused now to go to therapy as he says nothing will change. He said he's happy to go.to help with the split / co-parenting but that nothing will make the love come back again. Well co-parenting is something we've briefly talked about. Our kids take priority, but we'll try to have the same days free so to speak. Eventually we do plan to blend the families but that's at least a year from now when we can permanently move in together. A word about the timeline. A year might sound like a long way off, but it's not. Children need time to adjust. My AP and I divorced nearly 2 years ago and none of the kids, mine or his, are nowhere near ready to blend as a family. We live seperately and at this point, we do not take a part in each other's children's lives at all. Please try to consider the children a bit more. Living together within a year? Seems inconsiderate bordering on irresponsible to me. I get it, I do, but please try to keep yourself somewhat grounded where the children are concerned. Take your time, why rush it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 I think the children side of things is going to be the trickiest. For practical reasons (buying a house) a year makes sense. I'd also want my family to meet him (they already know he exists) . I know my daughter will adapt pretty well, she's even said without prompting and in a completely unrelated situation that she only has one dad. I believe he wants the co-parenting route but given how his stbxw is behaving I don't think she'll let him to start with. Our kids are similar she's and they go to the same school, I think that's even trickier but I think that's something we'll have to plan as we go. But I can definitely see why one year is not enough. Link to post Share on other sites
justanotheroneofyou Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 (edited) I actually felt compelled to register because of this thread. Others have much more wisdom than I do, so I defer to them. I do have to say, though, OP, you sound prepubescent with your constant ramblings about liking the same songs, your kids being similar, a la, "we are twinkies!" I'm guessing you are not a teenager; you aren't serving yourself well as you admit to infidelity and speak like this--as if out doing one another in sending "kissy faces" and swooning over music predicts longevity. It doesn't. How do you seriously speak about infidelity and swapping emojis in the same paragraph? All so flippant . . . . My husband and I (no affairs, but in a pretty lame marriage) had so much in common--not just broad things like music and affinity for "sunsets and walks on beaches and sparkly ponies", but we studied, in graduate school (PhD level), the exact same sub-field. Talk about having a lot in common--try almost everything! Yes, it made for exciting conversations and a connection. We still have that in common. It matters not. ETA: we didn't leave spouses, have affairs, etc. Very vanilla. I've only begun reading here for other reasons (just thinking about the 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' dilemma.). I am here to say, "SO WHAT?" I would argue that compatibility is somewhat important, particularly in regards to politics, values, etc. I guess you align ethically on where you stand in regards to fidelity and trust. Congrats. This unfortunate, shared life-philosophy will be more far-reaching and overarching in the long run than getting your groove on at local the farm-to-fork pub while commenting incisively about the Indie band. Willingness to transgress boundaries will be the foundation on which your relationship was built, where ever it may or may not go. The fact that you both like some of the same songs and bands is hardly a foundation for anything real or substantive and will not sustain you, except superficially for a bit. Kids will harsh your mellow, trust me. That connection I talked about earlier between my husband and me? It matters little during the daily hum-drum of mundane life. You will experience this the hard way. Things like bills, children (in your case a messier situation), aging parents, mortgages, etc., will chase the butterflies away, but you'll still have the primary rudiment that binds you--your relationship began as a fraud. I hope you keep each other away from the respective children for quite a while. Edited January 21, 2018 by justanotheroneofyou 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 So, his divorce has been filed and he's officially out of the family home. How do we move from here? I think going from.secret to public is going to take a very, very long time. I'm now even thinking of more like 18 months. We officially start our relationship as girlfriend / boyfriend for lack of better terms today. My world is very separate from his and he's happy to go public on my side of things and that makes me happy . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 So, his divorce has been filed and he's officially out of the family home. How do we move from here? I think going from.secret to public is going to take a very, very long time. I'm now even thinking of more like 18 months. We officially start our relationship as girlfriend / boyfriend for lack of better terms today. My world is very separate from his and he's happy to go public on my side of things and that makes me happy . Does this mean you plan to expose your children to him? Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I'm pretty sure she intends to keep her children's clothes on. (Yes, I know that's not what you meant. However, you intentionally used pretty emotionally-loaded language, so.) As I understand it, it's generally considered a bad idea to bring children into a new dating relationship for at least the first six months, because things are still unstable and you don't want the kids to get attached and then upset if things don't work out. However, if it turns into a stable long-term relationship, of course children would eventually meet a parent's new boyfriend or girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 So, his divorce has been filed and he's officially out of the family home. How do we move from here? I think going from.secret to public is going to take a very, very long time. I'm now even thinking of more like 18 months. We officially start our relationship as girlfriend / boyfriend for lack of better terms today. My world is very separate from his and he's happy to go public on my side of things and that makes me happy . I don't think it's going to be possible at all because, generally speaking, most people are not stupid . As far as the kids meeting, I think you already said you would be holding off on this for a long while so that's good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 So D day was today. I'm abroad and really can't do any damage control. The sister of the ex wife messaged me telling me how they slept together while the affair was going on me while I've been away. I ignored the message I know that's at least partially a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 So D day was today. I'm abroad and really can't do any damage control. The sister of the ex wife messaged me telling me how they slept together while the affair was going on me while I've been away. I ignored the message I know that's at least partially a lie. What do you mean "D Day?" Who slept together? What? Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 Well he has finally come clean with his ex. Her dist the messaged me.telling me my boyfriend and her sister (his ex) slept together while I was away. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 (edited) In other words, he cheated on her with you... and cheated on you, with her sister? Is this correct? I would be cautious to believe this information, given the source. Regardless, it shows that the whole situation is a mess... and you have placed yourself right in the middle of it all. And again, it tells you what kind of guy you've got... I do suppose, some may call this "poetic justice." What are you going to do now that you have this information? Does this cause you to reconsider some of your recent decisions... Edited March 4, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 No, no apparently he slept with his ex a couple of days ago. This information was given to me by his ex sister in law. So yes given the source I believe none of it... I know how he feels and I know he's been with me every single night since he moved out (part from these days when I've been abroad). I'm mostly worried about my daughter tbh Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 So sorry, I misunderstood. I thought the sister-in-law was the ex... Either way, it still seems like a darn mess. You are right to be concerned about your daughter. Travel safely. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 Wait a minute... he's been with you every night since he's moved out... does that mean that he has met your daughter and been staying at your place? Sleeping over? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CatMinx Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 No, no apparently he slept with his ex a couple of days ago. This information was given to me by his ex sister in law. So yes given the source I believe none of it... I know how he feels and I know he's been with me every single night since he moved out (part from these days when I've been abroad). I'm mostly worried about my daughter tbh To be fair though, wasn’t he going home to his ex at night while he was sleeping with you? And didn’t she think she knew how he felt about her too? You need to protect yourself and not assume you’re immune to his indiscretions just because he left his wife. He is still very newly out of his marriage and it’s an adjustment. Just proceed with caution. Not saying that to be mean, I swear. I just think you should be realistic, especially since there are kids involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 He only stays overnight when my daughter isn't in, but he does visit every single night. There were a couple of weeks when I had moved out and he was still in the process of separating when he did sleep with me but then went back "home". But by then he had already been sleeping on the couch. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 He only stays overnight when my daughter isn't in, but he does visit every single night. There were a couple of weeks when I had moved out and he was still in the process of separating when he did sleep with me but then went back "home". But by then he had already been sleeping on the couch. I thought your plan was to wait a long time before introducing your daughter into the mix? Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 Well they haven't been introduced nor seen each other. I still have to figure that bit out. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 Well they haven't been introduced nor seen each other. I still have to figure that bit out. So is he visiting after she goes to bed or something? Or do you just not have your daughter very often? I'm confused about how they have not met but he still visits you every night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 A mix of both. I only have her 3-4 days a week and he usually visits after 830 when she's been asleep for about an hour or so. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 A mix of both. I only have her 3-4 days a week and he usually visits after 830 when she's been asleep for about an hour or so. Ah, ok. I got it now. Well, I actually tend to believe the sister-in-law about the sex, but I guess you'll have to find out for sure when you get home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteandfog Posted June 3, 2018 Author Share Posted June 3, 2018 It’s nice to see this site is back on! Well I have a bit of an update. My now BF and I are officially going to start living together in the next couple of months, we’re just now working through they transition period. My mom met him, they really liked each other which was good. We’ve talked briefly about marriage but until both our divorces are finalized we said we son’t approach the subject too often. We’ve been together for 7 months now and we’ve been public longer than we had the affair for and we are deeply in love 4 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 3, 2018 Share Posted June 3, 2018 Glad things are going well for you and that you're not in too much of a rush, as there's a lot to work out. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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