My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce

[Birdies]

Even if you are special to him and you have a connection, he is probably 99.5% not going to leave his wife. And even if he does, you think he might be a serial cheat, so he's not much of a catch is he? (By the way, I'm not one of those "if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you" people.... I am actually in a very happy and trusting relationship with my former affair partner. But that's about as rare as riding a unicorn off into the sunset tbh.)

 

Point is, all of this dithering about the married guy is totally besides the point. Put on your big girl panties and end your marriage already before this affair blows up in your face and ruins everything. If you get divorced after the affair comes out, your kid will hate you, your ex will tell everyone it's your fault, you'll lose all your friends, etc - even though he's the abusive one.

 

THEN, once you're divorced, go enjoy your life and meet men and whatever. In a responsible way, of course, because you have a kid and you don't want to screw her up. Maybe this guy will even leave his wife and you can be together. Just do it WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE!

[DKT3]

Not that young (25) but really inexperienced. I've only dated two men, an exbf and my H.

 

I used t have an awesome life before I met my H. had an awesome job at a magazine, went to every single concert in town, nice car no responsibilities.

I wrote my BA dissertation on a special genre of music . i was a lifestyles / music journalist. He used to be in a band, an actual band that was signed and went on tour.

 

I met him, studied an MA to be wit him and then fell pregnant. I never got to enjoy my "young professional "well i did, but with hindsight I should have done it for WAY longer.

 

i actually believe him, but everything is so uncanny and everybody says it's "textbook" that it makes me doubt myself.

 

Something to consider is that when everybody was telling me that I was being paranoid about him being into me... Well it turns out I was right. So if I trust my instincts I know that maybe I'm not the first one, and I think he's more of the "online fling" type, but I'm sure that i'm special to him.. The connection was very unexpected and it took us both by surprise.

So there it is, the truth about your marriage and husband...you resent him and the marriage for robbing you of party time.

 

So let's say this is all unicorns and rainbows what do you really have? A guy who cheats on his wife, a daughter who you only enjoy half her life, and a bucket load of trust issues.

[BaileyB]

Not that young (25) but really inexperienced. I've only dated two men, an exbf and my H.

 

I used t have an awesome life before I met my H. had an awesome job at a magazine, went to every single concert in town, nice car no responsibilities.

I wrote my BA dissertation on a special genre of music . i was a lifestyles / music journalist. He used to be in a band, an actual band that was signed and went on tour.

 

I met him, studied an MA to be wit him and then fell pregnant. I never got to enjoy my "young professional "well i did, but with hindsight I should have done it for WAY longer.

 

i actually believe him, but everything is so uncanny and everybody says it's "textbook" that it makes me doubt myself.

 

Something to consider is that when everybody was telling me that I was being paranoid about him being into me... Well it turns out I was right. So if I trust my instincts I know that maybe I'm not the first one, and I think he's more of the "online fling" type, but I'm sure that i'm special to him.. The connection was very unexpected and it took us both by surprise.

 

So, let's say that you leave your husband and you are free and clear - to date this man. What will life be like - will it be the carefree existence of your youth?

 

No, the reality is... You will have a child to coparent. Money will probably be tighter as a single parent. You will have to negotiate with your ex-husband related to finances and anything related to your daughter. And let's face it, he could make it easy or he could make life really difficult for you - he will make like really, really difficult for you if he learns that you are unfaithful and in a relationship with a married man. Your life will still be stressful after the divorce, but in a different way.

 

And this married man, he won't be available to be with you on holidays, birthdays, other special occasions because he will be WITH HIS FAMILY. Furthermore, you have described him a a quiet, shy, introverted guy who barely talks to anyone (which I don't believe, considering you met him at a group activity and he searched you out online to initiate this "relationship"). How much fun is he going to be in a few years... Do you want someone who can spend time with your friend, go out together, travel together... Do you think he will be interested or able to do any of these activities with you?

[niteandfog]

Technically money-wise it should be about the same. We more or less make the same amount of money, but I have some extra income from overseas.

 

the running club is actually an "elite" one, you have to "audition' so to speak. So yes, a lot of the members are a bunch of jerks I even thought of quitting because I couldn't click with anyone ... But i have stayed because we have awesome coaches. So it's likely that he attends just for the sake of the training. He does look uncomfortable. and he has no photos of any social event on his social media and as far as I can tell he rarely goes out. I have more of a social life and I have 2 friends... So yes, he is shy. I know you can be a completely different person online (i'm that type!) So yes, I'm pretty sure IRL he's never done it before. Online, no way to know.

 

i'm getting divorced, no matter what, so custody will be an issue regardless of my AP.

[elaine567]

So there it is, the truth about your marriage and husband...you resent him and the marriage for robbing you of party time.

 

I think that is a bit unfair. She never said she wanted to party.

She, like a lot of women who end up pregnant, regret the loss of their career. They never have the chance to put tier education to good use.

Yes they may be able to salvage a career of sorts, but often not the one they envisaged, with a child holding them back.

[DKT3]

I think that is a bit unfair. She never said she wanted to party.

She, like a lot of women who end up pregnant, regret the loss of their career. They never have the chance to put tier education to good use.

Yes they may be able to salvage a career of sorts, but often not the one they envisaged, with a child holding them back.

 

Well we can play simantic, but we all know what she meant. BTW it's not her husband's fault she got pregnant and married, gave up her "young professional" whatever that means. She made those choices.

 

The kids hold them back? Really?

Edited November 8, 2017 by DKT3
To add

[jenkins95]

I used t have an awesome life before I met my H. had an awesome job at a magazine, went to every single concert in town, nice car no responsibilities.

I wrote my BA dissertation on a special genre of music . i was a lifestyles / music journalist. He used to be in a band, an actual band that was signed and went on tour.

 

I met him, studied an MA to be wit him and then fell pregnant..........

 

niteandfog, regarding the bolded bit, you are talking about your H here right? He was in a band that went on tour?

 

In another post you stated this: "Music is our passion and we both left it aside to get married to non musical people."

 

Here, you are suggesting your H is non-musical......is this the same guy who was once in a band that went on tour? Sounds pretty musical to me. Could you explain? Perhaps I just got my wires crossed.

 

Or perhaps this is negative projection? You've latched onto the fact that you and MM have this connection through music, but have conveniently dismissed the fact that your H was once a musician too?

Edited November 8, 2017 by jenkins95

[DKT3]

niteandfog, regarding the bolded bit, you are talking about your H here right? He was in a band that went on tour?

 

In another post you stated this: "Music is our passion and we both left it aside to get married to non musical people. neither of us knew this about each other ."

 

Here, you are suggesting your H is non-musical.... but he was once in a band that went on tour? Sounds pretty musical to me. Could you explain? Perhaps I just got my wires crossed.

 

Or perhaps this is negative projection? You've latched onto the fact that you and MM have this connection through music, but have conveniently dismissed the fact that your H was once a musician too?

 

We all know her thought process isn't the best right now....I mean birth control has been around in some form for 5000 years. And being pregnant doesn't mean you have to get married.

 

Just as I'm sure this connection is 15% real and 85% a creations between her ears....meaning she likes the guy so everything is cool and interesting.

[jenkins95]

We all know her thought process isn't the best right now....I mean birth control has been around in some form for 5000 years. And being pregnant doesn't mean you have to get married.

 

Just as I'm sure this connection is 15% real and 85% a creations between her ears....meaning she likes the guy so everything is cool and interesting.

 

Sure, I agree with you on this.

 

I would just like her to clear up my confusion though....I mean either her H was in a band that was signed up and went on tour as she states in one post, or he is non-musical as she states in another. The two are pretty much mutually exclusive and although it's a small point, it makes me concerned that she is not being entirely honest with us. Quite possible also, that I've simply misunderstood. Please clarify, OP - humour me!

[niteandfog]

Sure, I agree with you on this.

 

I would just like her to clear up my confusion though....I mean either her H was in a band that was signed up and went on tour as she states in one post, or he is non-musical as she states in another. The two are pretty much mutually exclusive and although it's a small point, it makes me concerned that she is not being entirely honest with us. Quite possible also, that I've simply misunderstood. Please clarify, OP - humour me!

 

Yeah sorry... I realized my syntax was all weird after I posted... no my AP is the guy in the band My H doesn't hate music per se but it's a freaking minefield. Hates the music I play, how i listen to it.. Point blank he's told me "i'm not interested" and so on.

[niteandfog]

I think that is a bit unfair. She never said she wanted to party.

She, like a lot of women who end up pregnant, regret the loss of their career. They never have the chance to put tier education to good use.

Yes they may be able to salvage a career of sorts, but often not the one they envisaged, with a child holding them back.

 

 

I have a sort of career, so I actually don't resent that. But I feel like I should have prolonged those years... not settle. It's all with hindsight, so not much left to do.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah sorry... I realized my syntax was all weird after I posted... no my AP is the guy in the band My H doesn't hate music per se but it's a freaking minefield. Hates the music I play, how i listen to it.. Point blank he's told me "i'm not interested" and so on.

 

If you're willing to end a marriage because of different tastes in music, you have no business being in a long term relationship. Life gets a LOT harder than this.

[niteandfog]

I've been 9 years in this relationship, I think that's quite a bit. And no, it's not just the taste in music. We have no shared interests. He doesn't "get" most of the things I do (like racing). he's a total gamer and board games bore me. I'm an animal person, he's allergic.

 

We're simply not compatible in that way. Plus al the emotional abuse. I've had enough of this

[DKT3]

If you're willing to end a marriage because of different tastes in music, you have no business being in a long term relationship. Life gets a LOT harder than this.

 

No, she wants to end her marriage because she blames her husband for choices she made that didn't work out as she planned. Oh, and she thinks this new guy is the answer...but as is the case with most who can't or won't accept responsibility, this is something that will impact any and every relationship she has to come.

 

OP, I'm not saying there is no emotional abuse, but we once had a poster who claimed emotional abuse because her husband objected to her clubbing til 5am three four times a week. Time that she was actually sending with OM.

Edited November 9, 2017 by DKT3

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've been 9 years in this relationship, I think that's quite a bit. And no, it's not just the taste in music. We have no shared interests. He doesn't "get" most of the things I do (like racing). he's a total gamer and board games bore me. I'm an animal person, he's allergic.

 

We're simply not compatible in that way. Plus al the emotional abuse. I've had enough of this

 

I'm curious about the emotional abuse. Do you feel up to providing some examples? Was your husband in any other relationships before this one with you? Sorry if I missed it, but is he older than you?

[niteandfog]

No, she wants to end her marriage because she blames her husband for choices she made that didn't work out as she planned. Oh, and she thinks this new guy is the answer...but as is the case with most who can't or won't accept responsibility, this is something that will impact any and every relationship she has to come.

 

OP, I'm not saying there is no emotional abuse, but we once had a poster who claimed emotional abuse because her husband objected to her clubbing til 5am three four times a week. Time that she was actually sending with OM.

 

I actually have MH issues, my H doesn't want me to take my medication, so he's always given me an ultimatum it's either him or the meds.

[niteandfog]

I'm curious about the emotional abuse. Do you feel up to providing some examples? Was your husband in any other relationships before this one with you? Sorry if I missed it, but is he older than you?

 

No, we're the same age more or less and he had a few previous relationships but nothing really serious.

 

Other things he does... he'd rather have a fight and trigger an episode that can lead to suicidal thoughts just to make a point.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No, we're the same age more or less and he had a few previous relationships but nothing really serious.

 

Other things he does... he'd rather have a fight and trigger an episode that can lead to suicidal thoughts just to make a point.

 

Any idea why he's so unsupportive about mental health issues?

 

Are you going to leave this man if things don't pan out with your affair partner?

[niteandfog]

Well he says he was very good friend with a very depressed person and she tried to commit suicide a few times and she was medicated. So he thinks my medication is just going to make me worse. That's how I ended up running as it gives me some release without the medicines but well I still get episods were basically I have to be knocked out.

 

I'm leaving my H... he makes my MH issues 1000% worse.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well he says he was very good friend with a very depressed person and she tried to commit suicide a few times and she was medicated. So he thinks my medication is just going to make me worse. That's how I ended up running as it gives me some release without the medicines but well I still get episods were basically I have to be knocked out.

 

I'm leaving my H... he makes my MH issues 1000% worse.

 

I'm going to accept that you know best about your own marriage. If you have mental issues (and that is not really surprising as most of us who go down this road do), having sex will trigger you to be 1000 times worse. You can't really imagine it now or probably even believe me, but its a chemical thing, like cocaine or heroin where they say you get hooked from one try. You will not be able to control it. You will be in such pain that you will want to die.

 

If you believe nothing else in this thread, trust me on this.

 

BTW, the guy is your typical married guy predator who obviously picked you because you are having problems in your marriage. It's all an act and a bunch of lies. Read some of the posts. They are all the same. Most are not like Jenkins, they don't love the other woman, they laugh at her and use her for sex. And even Jenkins, he stayed with his wife in the end anyway.

 

Here is the thing, when you are in a good place in your relationship or just life, if you are alone, you just don't attract people like this. You see them coming from a mile away and step aside. You are vulnerable, think this is different, special, soulmates, and he is a shark who smells blood in the water.

 

He is just grooming you.

[niteandfog]

I don't want to sound thick... But grooming me for what? I've already promised him sex.

[jenkins95]

I don't want to sound thick... But grooming me for what? I've already promised him sex.

 

It's not always as black and white as simply grooming you for sex and then taking it as soon as he can. It could be possible he is playing a bigger, more sophisticated power game. Gaining your trust, saying exactly what you want to hear, playing with your emotions, making you bound to him, making you fall in love with him, seeing how much he can control you and get you under his influence and then seeing how much he can manipulate you as his puppet. His not grabbbing the sex immediately on offer could itself be a play to convince you that he sees you as so much more than a sex object.

 

It sounds horrible and far-fetched, but it does happen, sadly. Clever sharks don’t show themselves as sharks, but as nice loveable dolphins in disguise. Ever seen “American Psycho”? The psycho didn’t show himself as a psycho until it was too late to escape - he was charm personified before that. OK, that’s an extreme example and I’m not saying your MM is like that! But there really are sharks out there, fishing for vulnerable women. Just don’t discount that possibility until you truly know him.

 

On the other hand, he may be genuine - it is possible. We can't tell just from your posts, but be aware that so many people here have been hurt by men who appeared originally to them as your MM does to you. Their words of caution may seem harsh, but it's only because they want to save you the horror of the pain they have endured.

 

But let's just say for a minute that the MM is genuine – he feels a real connection with you, he wants to be with you, he’s really falling for you as you are for him. Well, there’s still the small issue of his wife, your husband and all the DCs! There are two issues here for you to deal with – your marriage and this MM. You need to deal with them in the correct order, and you really should be cutting this MM completely out of your life until you have divorced your H. You should only then ever approach him when he has provided evidence that he too is divorced.

 

If it becomes obvious that you are leaving your H for another man then you could lose so much power and credibility when it comes to the legal process, not to mention the respect of your family and friends. If you are leaving, leave cleanly because the M is not right and not for another man.

 

Good luck and keep the posts coming. J x

Edited November 9, 2017 by jenkins95

[freengreen]

Your marriage is the issue.

 

BUT an EA/PA is NOT an answer. Beleive me, been there. After the affair, you will be right where you were, only with more pain.You will feel broken because the light you kept seeing in the tunnel and went towards it was a head light of a train.

 

Find another solution to your marriage, counceling or divorce ... but NOT an affair. It will rip your strength and soul down.

[freengreen]

and yeah...sex should be one of his aims but you are up for it so why is he doing the sweet talk and occasionally things seem to be less romantic?

 

Some people love seeing others broken, they get life outta sucking others lives out... have you considered this category of people?.. they do exist you know.

[niteandfog]

Thanks jenkins!

 

I took the first steps last night with my H to tell him I'm leaving. So that was good.

 

The backstory with my MM, well his end of the story is borderline obsessive (at least the way he tells it). He told me I've always caught his eye (for at least a couple of years). In the last year I've lost a ton of weight (close to 70lbs), he's even told me I need t gain some! I became a runner, and I do the school run in my running gear, and that's when apparently the "oh she looks cool" turned into a proper crush.

 

Oddly enough that timeline does match when he starts interacting with me on social media. By the time all of this starts, I have no idea who he is in person, I know who he is ( who he is married to and and that he's a runner ), but if I saw him on the street back then I wouldn't have been able to recognize him. I actually called him the stalker with my friends and H.

 

Two months ago I joined the running club and I still had no effing clue of who he was it's on the third session that I actually see him and connect the dots. I recognize he's not bad looking at all. And that's the part that to me was very strange, he would talk to me on social media but not in person.. He said hello to me on the 4th-5th time .

 

I always had the hunch that he was pursuing me but the disconnect between online / IRL was just too much, so I really didn't think too much of it.

 

For a couple of months I wouldn't really engage with him, nothing beyond a ty! Because you know he was married, but then at some point I thought well I have no running buddies, maybe he's just being friendly so I started to be friendlier.

 

He started sending me private messages and it went from happy running related chats to sexting in what 3 days? I also made him believe I had a crush on him, which was not entirely true at the time. the point is that I played along even though i just wanted too see where this was going to take us. I sent him photos in lingerie, he sent me a few dick pics.

 

One Friday we realized we had more in common , we kissed the following Wednesday. I asked him if he's done this before and his replies were so vague "this is obviously not part of my usual routine / no I've never kissed someone I've only spoken to for a week". that to me was a red flag and I concluded that he was probably a serial cheater or at least had done it before.

 

but from that Wednesday, maybe Tuesday even.... Things changed there was this shift to just be in touch, know about what we were up to the whole day. get to know each other. Yes, there's still some innuendo, but for the most part everything is "romantic". he even called me "the closest thing to a best friend" that genuinely freaked me out.

 

and then we kissed on Tuesday. we were at the back of the car so, yes it was awkward at times but if I had to divide the mood it was more loving than lusting.

 

When he messaged me after our make out session, he didn't say "oh I want to take your pants off" he instead told me he was daydreaming of taking me out on a romantic dinner.

 

TO ME it reads like yes it was originally one purpose but it changed and he now wants to take things at a slower pace.