My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce

[niteandfog]

yeah, I know... i thought he was a player the first 10 days or so. In fact at first I was disgusted by it all. I almost even told his wife.

 

BUT he could have already had sex with me, and he hasn't. that plus the shift in conversations. I don't need to know what he had for lunch, makes no real difference in our daily lives. but we like to be in touch.

 

neither of us expected to be so similar to each other.

[elaine567]

yeah, I know... i thought he was a player the first 10 days or so. In fact at first I was disgusted by it all. I almost even told his wife.

BUT he could have already had sex with me, and he hasn't.

 

Players and married men can afford to wait for sex, as they are getting it elsewhere.

If he IS a player he may already have another OW, but if not, he IS married so he has a wife.

He can well afford to sit and wait.

[DKT3]

"The most important part of being a player is to hide it."

Have a read.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/575630-shocker-2.html#post6851090

 

You have left the world of boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happy ever after; you have now entered the world of the extra marital affair and the rules are way different.

Be very careful and do not be too naive.

 

This guy "hunted you down" on social media, so do not be too quick to believe it is his first rodeo.

 

Haha, there really is an art to picking up women and maintaining the interest. There is actually tons of stuff out there on how to lure women in different situations into bed. With MW you can't go through the front door, you have to play the role of "caring friend" while working around to the back door. In time she will give you everything you need to get her in bed. Things like complaining about how she isn't happy with her husband. As long as the man plays shy, uninterested in sex and interested in everything else being said the MW will do everything else to justify screwing him.

 

Shockingly, so many women fall into the trap. Oh he just gets me...not really, you've told him all the stuff that he just "gets"

 

Thread after thread we see this played out. It's so special... I until MW realizes that it really isn't..

 

He hunted you down, plays shy and uninterested in sex yet interested in everything else..hmmm

[jenkins95]

That post helped me immensely when I was trying to break away. The most important sentence in the whole thing for me was this:

 

A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

This is also worth considering from that post: -

 

"They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason."

 

Shows how easy it is to fall into "grass is greener" type thinking. The connection may be very real and he may well seem like the man of your dreams now, niteandfog. But how would he be 5 years down the line, 2 messy divorces behind you and the honeymoon period long gone?

[jenkins95]

Originally Posted by niteandfog: -

 

"I've told my sister the whole story, my sister knows me well she's my sister after all. and she thinks I've found the man of my dreams ."

 

Then, your sister has very poor judgment and she is giving you very bad advice.

 

This also puzzled me. I mean, I'm sure your sister didn't intend to torment you, but that is going to play with your head and is quite a dangerous thing to say.

 

Can I ask....How old is your sister and is she married? Does she like your husband? Does she believe in marriage in general? Have you told her about the emotional abuse?

 

For her to say that suggests that she really doesn't think much of your H at all. It could well be the right thing to do to end the marriage, but that doesn't mean you should jump head first into an A with this guy.

[Cullenbohannon]

Maybe I'm losing the plot, but isn't going physical irrelevant at this point? Besides we DID sexual stuff today, it was not all cuddles and kisses.

 

I don't understand how you say "If all he wanted was sex, I would have given it to him"

 

You did give it to him! Oral sex is sex, so your argument is moot. This is a PA 100% A MM will take a BJ in a heartbeat and be satisfied.

 

It really is a irrelevant , since you intend to divorce shortly. This is simply a exit affair. You are monkeybranching on your way out. You will have better options soon. Recognize it for what it is and exit with dignity.

Edited November 8, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[niteandfog]

Haha, there really is an art to picking up women and maintaining the interest. There is actually tons of stuff out there on how to lure women in different situations into bed. With MW you can't go through the front door, you have to play the role of "caring friend" while working around to the back door. In time she will give you everything you need to get her in bed. Things like complaining about how she isn't happy with her husband. As long as the man plays shy, uninterested in sex and interested in everything else being said the MW will do everything else to justify screwing him.

 

Shockingly, so many women fall into the trap. Oh he just gets me...not really, you've told him all the stuff that he just "gets"

 

Thread after thread we see this played out. It's so special... I until MW realizes that it really isn't..

 

He hunted you down, plays shy and uninterested in sex yet interested in everything else..hmmm

 

BUT this is where it deviates from the player script. To start with, he was extremely forward about all the sex stuff and I played along, honestly if he had told me lets meet in 10 it could have happened.

 

but then one day he just asked about my other hobbies and it turned out that we both love music. And not just the type of "well we all like x or y" , we both like the same type of music, we both listen to music in very similar ways , in fact we've spent some of our evenings listening to stuff together. We both play instruments.

 

Music is our passion and we both left it aside to get married to non musical people. neither of us knew this about each other .

 

From that moment onwards, the conversation has moved from "let's be sexy" to actually knowing each other.

 

There's still some innuendo going on of course and there's lust when we kiss, but now there's this longing that didn't used to be there.

[niteandfog]

I don't understand how you say "If all he wanted was sex, I would have given it to him"

 

You did give it to him! Oral sex is sex, so your argument is moot. This is a PA 100% A MM will take a BJ in a heartbeat and be satisfied.

 

It really is a irrelevant , since you intend to divorce shortly. This is simply a exit affair. You are monkeybranching on your way out. You will have better options soon. Recognize it for what it is and exit with dignity.

 

 

No BJs involved!! I don't need to be explicit .. He still wants sex (we both do!) but this is not the primary force behind our A.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No BJs involved!! I don't need to be explicit .. He still wants sex (we both do!) but this is not the primary force behind our A.[/QUOTE]

 

Well then it must just be meant to be. :rolleyes::laugh:

[DKT3]

BUT this is where it deviates from the player script. To start with, he was extremely forward about all the sex stuff and I played along, honestly if he had told me lets meet in 10 it could have happened.

 

but then one day he just asked about my other hobbies and it turned out that we both love music. And not just the type of "well we all like x or y" , we both like the same type of music, we both listen to music in very similar ways , in fact we've spent some of our evenings listening to stuff together. We both play instruments.

 

Music is our passion and we both left it aside to get married to non musical people. neither of us knew this about each other .

 

From that moment onwards, the conversation has moved from "let's be sexy" to actually knowing each other.

 

There's still some innuendo going on of course and there's lust when we kiss, but now there's this longing that didn't used to be there.

 

Well like you Sadi early in your thread, nothing is going to stop this, I'm not sure what you're doing here, you clearly have all the answers and this is a perfect match...so why wait til after Christmas to walk away from your marriage.. looking for one last gift?

[DKT3]

No BJs involved!! I don't need to be explicit .. He still wants sex (we both do!) but this is not the primary force behind our A.

 

So, what the intent is makes it better or worse? Is it still an affair?

[niteandfog]

I just want to give her one last normal Christmas, then I'm separating.

[BTDT2012]

I just want to give her one last normal Christmas, then I'm separating.

Make sure that you are able to take care of your daughter, and that you are prepared to be a single parent. Keep your AP away from her.

[wmacbride]

BUT this is where it deviates from the player script. To start with, he was extremely forward about all the sex stuff and I played along, honestly if he had told me lets meet in 10 it could have happened.

 

but then one day he just asked about my other hobbies and it turned out that we both love music. And not just the type of "well we all like x or y" , we both like the same type of music, we both listen to music in very similar ways , in fact we've spent some of our evenings listening to stuff together. We both play instruments.

 

Music is our passion and we both left it aside to get married to non musical people. neither of us knew this about each other .

 

From that moment onwards, the conversation has moved from "let's be sexy" to actually knowing each other.

 

There's still some innuendo going on of course and there's lust when we kiss, but now there's this longing that didn't used to be there.

 

op,

the more you write, the more the projection is obvious. You really are projecting your own feelings on to him.

 

btw, as a confirmed introvert and shy person, I can spot what this guy is doing a mile away. He is putting n a great act, but it's an act none the less.

 

A true introvert isn't going to join a club to engage in an activity they could juts as easily do on their own. They are not going to hunt someone down on the internet, he isn't going to risk a home life. His time alone to recharge will be precious, and he isn't going to fill up that space with an affair.

 

This makes him what? It makes him a guy who may well be quiet and reserved, but that doesn't make him an introvert, and it doesn't mean this isn't his first rodeo.

 

What it sounds like, at least to me, is he is doing the age old exchange where a guy will gladly trade listening, kindness and a sympathetic nature for sex, and the chase is often a big art of the excitement.

 

My guess is that he has cheated before, and got caught.

 

In the end, I guess none of this matters. If you do end up with him what will it be? A relationship where you don;t trust him, he doesn't trust you, and every time he goes to "run" or you go out for some reason, that question will always be there. Is he really where he says he is? Why is he suddenly friendly with that woman from work? Why is he staying out so late at night? Why is he hiding his phone?

 

Sure, not every cheater is doomed to forever cheat in every relationship, but those who don't usually put in a huge amount of work to figure out why they decided to have an affair and learn to have better boundaries and problem solving methods. Do you feel that he would be willing to do this?

[DKT3]

I just want to give her one last normal Christmas, then I'm separating.

 

Yeah, that's not the reason. If your concern was your daughter then you would be making examples on how to live an authentic genuine life.

 

Again, we hear this all the time. My own wife used this to justify her affair but truth be told once she was served divorce was the last thing she really wanted. People who really want to leave leave.

[niteandfog]

op,

the more you write, the more the projection is obvious. You really are projecting your own feelings on to him.

 

btw, as a confirmed introvert and shy person, I can spot what this guy is doing a mile away. He is putting n a great act, but it's an act none the less.

 

A true introvert isn't going to join a club to engage in an activity they could juts as easily do on their own. They are not going to hunt someone down on the internet, he isn't going to risk a home life. His time alone to recharge will be precious, and he isn't going to fill up that space with an affair.

 

This makes him what? It makes him a guy who may well be quiet and reserved, but that doesn't make him an introvert, and it doesn't mean this isn't his first rodeo.

 

What it sounds like, at least to me, is he is doing the age old exchange where a guy will gladly trade listening, kindness and a sympathetic nature for sex, and the chase is often a big art of the excitement.

 

My guess is that he has cheated before, and got caught.

 

In the end, I guess none of this matters. If you do end up with him what will it be? A relationship where you don;t trust him, he doesn't trust you, and every time he goes to "run" or you go out for some reason, that question will always be there. Is he really where he says he is? Why is he suddenly friendly with that woman from work? Why is he staying out so late at night? Why is he hiding his phone?

 

Sure, not every cheater is doomed to forever cheat in every relationship, but those who don't usually put in a huge amount of work to figure out why they decided to have an affair and learn to have better boundaries and problem solving methods. Do you feel that he would be willing to do this?

 

 

I guess we would both have to worry about it, but if it were to happen if we have the will we can work though it.

 

 

I don't know what he wants though. that's the bottomline.

[DKT3]

I guess we would both have to worry about it, but if it were to happen if we have the will we can work though it.

 

 

I don't know what he wants though. that's the bottomline.

 

You mean like your marriage? If your child isn't enough than nothing else will be.

[niteandfog]

You mean like your marriage? If your child isn't enough than nothing else will be.

 

No, I mean if we ever decide to start a non affair relationship. After all, ours started with cheating.

[Steve51]

I have been there myself and the way to tell is when his lips move or his fingers type. Men will say and do anything to get into a girl's pants no matter what they say. We are genetically designed to view all females as potential mates even if we do not know that.

 

Every EA I was involved in with a married women eventually turned into sex. First I was a sympathetic ear. Why not, I did not know her husband and only heard her side of the argument and taking her side made her like me more. Then I became her confidant and advisor. That led to meeting for coffee or lunch to discuss a problem she had. With the first it was a dinner the weekend after she separated from her husband and moved in with her mom. After a few drinks her hand was in my crotch and she told me she booked a room. She was legally separated so no reason to say no.

 

The second one was someone I was close with at work. We often ate lunch together and she would tell me how bad her husband was. At first I told her to give him a break but her stories got worse and worse as if she was deliberately trying to make him a villain in my eyes. I was booked for a week long training course in another State and she managed to convince our boss that she needed to go to. She tried to get me in bed all week long and in the limo that took us from our homes to the hotel, she made out with me. I refused to go further and she latched onto someone else and ended up getting fired.

 

So it is very dangerous to get involved with a man in any type of relationship. EA's are often more dangerous than sexual relationships.

[DKT3]

No, I mean if we ever decide to start a non affair relationship. After all, ours started with cheating.

 

Yeah, I know. What I'm saying is relationships require skills to maintain, skill that you seem to be lacking.

[niteandfog]

Believe me I'm extremely inexperienced which doesn't help at all!

[jah526]

Players and married men can afford to wait for sex, as they are getting it elsewhere.

If he IS a player he may already have another OW, but if not, he IS married so he has a wife.

He can well afford to sit and wait.

 

Yup. This is known as the long con. Mine was a master at it. He even told me this was his method (different context but the same principles apply). The game is to outlast and wear down. It works, but only as long as YOU permit them access to you.

[wmacbride]

I guess we would both have to worry about it, but if it were to happen if we have the will we can work though it.

 

 

I don't know what he wants though. that's the bottomline.

 

 

Ask him, point blank.

 

If you have, what did he say?

[wmacbride]

Believe me I'm extremely inexperienced which doesn't help at all!

 

Forgive me for asking, and I am sorry if you have already said, but did you get married really young?

 

If you did, that could be the source of a lot of your problems. You never had the chance to grow up and find out who you are, all on your own.

 

Who are you? What do you want? What makes you tick?

 

This is why I said it really sounds like you are projecting. We all do it. We all see what we want to see when we are in a relationship. We all want love and affection, and if you have to ask if this guy is genuine or not, then I think you already have your answer.

[niteandfog]

Forgive me for asking, and I am sorry if you have already said, but did you get married really young?

 

If you did, that could be the source of a lot of your problems. You never had the chance to grow up and find out who you are, all on your own.

 

Who are you? What do you want? What makes you tick?

 

This is why I said it really sounds like you are projecting. We all do it. We all see what we want to see when we are in a relationship. We all want love and affection, and if you have to ask if this guy is genuine or not, then I think you already have your answer.

 

Not that young (25) but really inexperienced. I've only dated two men, an exbf and my H.

 

I used t have an awesome life before I met my H. had an awesome job at a magazine, went to every single concert in town, nice car no responsibilities.

I wrote my BA dissertation on a special genre of music . i was a lifestyles / music journalist. He used to be in a band, an actual band that was signed and went on tour.

 

I met him, studied an MA to be wit him and then fell pregnant. I never got to enjoy my "young professional "well i did, but with hindsight I should have done it for WAY longer.

 

i actually believe him, but everything is so uncanny and everybody says it's "textbook" that it makes me doubt myself.

 

Something to consider is that when everybody was telling me that I was being paranoid about him being into me... Well it turns out I was right. So if I trust my instincts I know that maybe I'm not the first one, and I think he's more of the "online fling" type, but I'm sure that i'm special to him.. The connection was very unexpected and it took us both by surprise.