grass-hopper Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 Good luck to you niteandfog. You’ve done the right thing by not carrying on in an unhappy marriage AND an affair. Breakups/divorce are never easy or cut and dry. Your H will come to accept your decision. This is your second chance to make the life you said you felt was lacking. Don't settle for any less and don’t settle for being someone’s second best.
Marc878 Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 I couldn't live with the double life, so ended up asking for divorce from my H. He wants us to try again. I don't want to. He has no idea of the A. Although AP came and serenaded me outside my house in the wee hours... I don't love my H anymore. I've tried to reason with him. But he just won't let go. I'm trying to do the right thing out of this mess. Tell your H the truth. Maybe that will help 2
minimariah Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 I've tried to reason with him. But he just won't let go. well... i mean, he can’t stop you. just pick up your things and leave. if you have children with this man, then file for divorce and wait until the custody is resolved - then leave. or whatever the rules are in your state. just file. nobody can stop you from doing that. be consistent and the H will soon follow. not sure what is it that you’re waiting for. it seems pretty incredible that your spouse do not know anything about your A, especially with the serenade incident. will your MM divorce and does his family know about the two of you?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 I couldn't live with the double life, so ended up asking for divorce from my H. He wants us to try again. I don't want to. He has no idea of the A. Although AP came and serenaded me outside my house in the wee hours... I don't love my H anymore. I've tried to reason with him. But he just won't let go. I'm trying to do the right thing out of this mess. Huh? Did your husband wake up? Did your married man's wife wonder where he was in the middle of the night? Is your married man getting a divorce, too? Your husband will be more apt to "let go" if you tell him the reason you're leaving, that you're sleeping with someone else. He won't be happy with it, but at least he'll understand the "why" a little more.
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 (edited) I'm not surprised. Your intention was clear as day. It's for the best that you divorce, you are not invested in your marriage anymore. However, I don't have any faith that this new relationship will be what you want either. I don't think you have any idea who this man really is and I don't think he can offer you any kind of commitment. I fully expect that you will return, more confused and destraught that than ever. Despite the warnings, it certainly does appear that you are determined to learn this lesson the hard way. But, I do wish you well. Always, always, always, care for your daughter and put her needs before your own. That's what parenting is all about. Edited November 19, 2017 by BaileyB 1
somanymistakes Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 Taking control of what you want and being honest rather than living a lie is a good step. But you need to actually be honest. Tell him the truth. What you've done, you've done. It's part of you now. Hiding it will prevent you from moving forward. If you deny the truth to others, it becomes easy to deny it to yourself as well. And when you lie to yourself, you lead yourself astray. Will it hurt to confess? Will it cause both you and him pain? Yeah, probably. But that's fair, it's the natural consequences of what happened. Own it. Take the pain, acknowledge it, accept it, then walk forward. Lying to yourself makes it easy to talk yourself into doing foolish things that you should know better, to deny the consequences, and that can lead to much worse things than just an affair. (think about people who try to deny that they have a problem with alcohol, or people who are in denial that they're out of money, or ill, or pregnant...) I'm not going to judge anything about what might happen in any future relationship you have. I don't know your AP. I can't predict the future. This is all about you. You need to acknowledge the truth and integrate it into your sense of self, to know what happened and what it leads to, in order to make wise choices for the future. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 Taking control of what you want and being honest rather than living a lie is a good step. But you need to actually be honest. Tell him the truth. What you've done, you've done. It's part of you now. Hiding it will prevent you from moving forward. If you deny the truth to others, it becomes easy to deny it to yourself as well. And when you lie to yourself, you lead yourself astray. Also, if you think that IF you and AP end up together that people aren't going to figure out the truth, you're lying to yourself. It's always obvious. Might as well just own it.
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 Also, if you think that IF you and AP end up together that people aren't going to figure out the truth, you're lying to yourself. It's always obvious. Might as well just own it. AP hasn't given any indication that he's willing to leave his wife and family. Sure, this will give you a rush and it will be exciting and the attention will feel good... But seriously, investing energy into this relationship is like throwing money down a wishing well. I hope the sex was as "dreamy" as you thought it would be... 2
Ronnie33 Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 Is this for real? You left your husband for a MM that you know a few months. He picked you up late, you guys probably went and banged in his car, or a hotel and he will go back to his after and tell you that he needs time before he can leave. You are making some really rash decisions on a guy you barely know. You are swept up in a fantasy, and I have a feeling reality is about to hit you hard in the face. I don't care if you want to leave your husband, that's your decision. But leaving him in the middle of the night to go be with a MM, while you have a young child. Grow up and make better decisions. This isn't a lifetime movie.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 Is this for real? You left your husband for a MM that you know a few months. He picked you up late, you guys probably went and banged in his car, or a hotel and he will go back to his after and tell you that he needs time before he can leave. You are making some really rash decisions on a guy you barely know. You are swept up in a fantasy, and I have a feeling reality is about to hit you hard in the face. I don't care if you want to leave your husband, that's your decision. But leaving him in the middle of the night to go be with a MM, while you have a young child. Grow up and make better decisions. This isn't a lifetime movie. I don't think the middle of the night serenade is what she met up with him. They are in the same running club together, so the sex probably happened through that. At least that's what I'm imagining (not literally). I still am confused about this serenade, though!
Author niteandfog Posted November 19, 2017 Author Posted November 19, 2017 He's said a million times he will. I can only believe he will, and if he doesn't it's fine too. (Leaving his wife, which btw I never even suggested it in the first place or asked about or anything this has been HIS idea not mine). I'm not divorcing because I have him, I'm divorcing because clearly I have nothing left to give to this marriage. I tried for many years, but he never got any concerns, he mostly dismissed them as me having a bad mood and the like. I won't tell my H the truth at least no for now. I know that if my AP and I end up together it will be easy to draw conclusions. Besides he's not the smartest in that way and I'm sure we'll eventually get caught. Serenading... Leaving presents by my doorstep late at night... Visiting me when my house is on a main road... He's being very very careless.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 He's said a million times he will. I can only believe he will, and if he doesn't it's fine too. (Leaving his wife, which btw I never even suggested it in the first place or asked about or anything this has been HIS idea not mine). I'm not divorcing because I have him, I'm divorcing because clearly I have nothing left to give to this marriage. I tried for many years, but he never got any concerns, he mostly dismissed them as me having a bad mood and the like. I won't tell my H the truth at least no for now. I know that if my AP and I end up together it will be easy to draw conclusions. Besides he's not the smartest in that way and I'm sure we'll eventually get caught. Serenading... Leaving presents by my doorstep late at night... Visiting me when my house is on a main road... He's being very very careless. Are you OK with your husband eventually finding out the truth?
Ronnie33 Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 I thought it said "swept" me in the wee hours of the night. The seranade makes it even better. Did he come to your house and sing outside your window?? I feel like I'm reading a post from a teenager. 1
Author niteandfog Posted November 19, 2017 Author Posted November 19, 2017 Nope, it didn't happen in the back of a car. It happened at his place one day he was off work. The serenading is something I'm even struggling to understand. He was drunk, he was on his way back home and decided to sing outside my window. No my H didn't hear a thing he's a deep, deep sleeper.
Author niteandfog Posted November 19, 2017 Author Posted November 19, 2017 I thought it said "swept" me in the wee hours of the night. The seranade makes it even better. Did he come to your house and sing outside your window?? I feel like I'm reading a post from a teenager. That's exactly what happened! And he's in his late 30s
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 Nope, it didn't happen in the back of a car. It happened at his place one day he was off work. The serenading is something I'm even struggling to understand. He was drunk, he was on his way back home and decided to sing outside my window. No my H didn't hear a thing he's a deep, deep sleeper. He sounds like quite a catch. Sex with you in his marital bed and then a drunk serenade with your husband and child home? C'mon, you know you're smarter than this . 2
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 The serenading is something I'm even struggling to understand. He was drunk, he was on his way back home and decided to sing outside my window. That makes it even more amusing... It was a drunken serenade, which I would assume it would probably have to be for a grown man to decide to serenade a woman... 1
Ronnie33 Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 Nope, it didn't happen in the back of a car. It happened at his place one day he was off work. The serenading is something I'm even struggling to understand. He was drunk, he was on his way back home and decided to sing outside my window. No my H didn't hear a thing he's a deep, deep sleeper. Is this guy crazy? I was in an affair for two year before I left my husband, and my AP and I never would have done anything so careless. I would have killed him if he came to my house and did that. My husband would have woken up and literally beat the crap out of him. You two both seem very immature. Like I said earlier, I don't care if you want to leave your husband. Not all marriages work, and that's fine. But the way you two are handling it is very careless and I think it's going to blow up in your face.
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 At least, it would have to be a drunken serenade for him to decide it was a good idea to do outside your window while your husband was sleeping beside you in bed...
Author niteandfog Posted November 19, 2017 Author Posted November 19, 2017 He's definitely not the definition of a discreet AP. And I would agree he doesn't appear to act his age at all. He also seems truly obsessed with the concept that we're going to grow old together. I get reminders of that day and night. He sent me a photo today of an elderly couple and told me he knew that would be us in the future. As much as I do have feelings for him, I know statistically we're doomed. And no it wasn't his marital bed (which I'm grateful for, it was in his sort of mancave/ spare room)
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 He's definitely not the definition of a discreet AP. And I would agree he doesn't appear to act his age at all. He also seems truly obsessed with the concept that we're going to grow old together. I get reminders of that day and night. He sent me a photo today of an elderly couple and told me he knew that would be us in the future. There are so many red flags here you could have a parade... 4
Ronnie33 Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 He's definitely not the definition of a discreet AP. And I would agree he doesn't appear to act his age at all. He also seems truly obsessed with the concept that we're going to grow old together. I get reminders of that day and night. He sent me a photo today of an elderly couple and told me he knew that would be us in the future. As much as I do have feelings for him, I know statistically we're doomed. And no it wasn't his marital bed (which I'm grateful for, it was in his sort of mancave/ spare room) He's doing the typical MM gaslight. I love you after a minute, grow old, pictures of an old couple (I actually rolled my eyes at that one) You guys barely know eachother. Didn't you say he doesn't get close to many people and is awkward socially? I am not saying this to be mean, but are you sure he doesn't have some sort of personality disorder? This whole thing sounds very strange. 2
wmacbride Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 op, It sounds like divorce is the best option for you, but I would caution you against this other man. It doesn't sound like he is all that stable, and it also sounds like either he is totally disconnected with the cat that he is an adult, you are still married and have a child, or he is just trying to take stab at your husband. It's just more drama in an already volatile situation. Please, take some time away from him and focus on your divorce. I mean no offense, but he doesn't sound like that much of a catch, and you have enough going on without adding him in the mix. 2
BaileyB Posted November 19, 2017 Posted November 19, 2017 He's doing the typical MM gaslight. I love you after a minute, grow old, pictures of an old couple (I actually rolled my eyes at that one) You guys barely know eachother. Didn't you say he doesn't get close to many people and is awkward socially? I am not saying this to be mean, but are you sure he doesn't have some sort of personality disorder? This whole thing sounds very strange. We've had this discussion before... OP seems to think the fact that he is socially awkward and "says" he has never done this before makes him more sincere and more attractive... The fact that he was fine to wait for sex, when she offered it willingly, meant that he had "good intentions..." again, not saying this to be mean, just saying that we have had this discussion before... And it did nothing to stop OP from rushing into his arms regardless of the consequence. 1
Author niteandfog Posted November 19, 2017 Author Posted November 19, 2017 Tbh the thought of some sort of disorder has crossed my mind. But I spent almost a full day with him the other day and he does behave like a normal human being (I've had very close loved ones with personality disorders) and I didn't see any of the things I've seen in the people who are known to have them. To me it seems like he almost wants to be caught. He's cheesier than a grilled cheese... Like I sometimes feel he's the girl in the relationship.
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