wmacbride Posted November 9, 2017 Posted November 9, 2017 The ultimátum is so he doesn't pin it down to having a breakdown /episode like he always does. I've had episodes where I've begged him to take me to ER because I couldn't cope anymore and he's point blank refused. Hell lock me in the house because he thinks I'll throw myself off a bridge (which I never will). Music calms me down but even if I'm having an episode hell turn it down because it's annoying.. You are still doing it. You are blaming him for your life. Even though it should be his first response to take you to the ER-no questions asked, he didn't do that. He locks you in the house? If you are having a mental crisis, pick up the phone and call 911. I know that's a hard step to take, but I hope you can. I also wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear you have been coping with mental illness. My daughter has for a while now, and it's a really difficult row to hoe. If your husband tries to keep you form taking meds., is it possible the A is almost a form of self medication for you? 1
Author niteandfog Posted November 9, 2017 Author Posted November 9, 2017 Counsellor - well my allocated one is looking into it as I have a chronic condition and they're not very sure therapy will help. Calling 911- Yeah didn't think about it, but good thing to remember. He's a respectable member of the community so I think he'd be embarrassed if anybody knew about my condition. affair being the medication - maybe? Surely it's a form of escapism. The truth is that I only developed this condition after my pregnancy, but i remember I used to be a happier, saner individual. I want to go back to that. MM - has absolutely no idea of how much I struggle. But i'm sure if H every figures it out he'll tell him I belong in a mental institution.
jenkins95 Posted November 10, 2017 Posted November 10, 2017 (edited) Hello again ((niteandfog)) I know you are getting a hard time here and you probably feel you are being ganged up on by the LS members. Know that it is only because the posters speak from experience, from their hearts. Most of them have been hurt and/or been involved in situations with similar elements to yours and if they can do anything to avert a train crash, then they will. And I'm sorry to say, but your situation does have train crash written all over it....if you carry on the path you are on right now. But it’s not too late to turn this round. I am so sorry to hear about the mental issues you have been suffering and the lack of support from your H - that really does suck. But don't you see that the very last thing you need in your life right now is an extramarital affair? It will only make everything 100 times more complicated, and not just for you. Read wmac's words very carefully, several times - her posts are excellent at describing the pain that a BS goes through when they find out they've been duped and cheated (and guess how she knows that?). I can also tell you from the point of view of a former cheater that cheaters ALWAYS underestimate the pain they are going to inflict on their betrayed spouse until they see it in front of their eyes. Only when I saw my wife physically collapse on D-day did I truly understand what I'd done. You really must sort out the issues in your marriage and your mental health before you go anywhere near this MM…or any other man. Do it for your daughter if you can't do it for yourself. Make this as clean as possible. If you do end up divorcing, can you see how much less respect and power you would have in that process if there was an MM on the scene? This has to be between your H and you alone. And I think wmac and others make another very good point. You say that your H has mentally abused you, and certainly that comes across in some of your posts, but aren't you guilty of it too? I mean, what's all this about giving him an ultimatum that you know he can't meet? Surely that's mental manipulation...even abuse? Wouldn’t it have been so much more sensible to simply take him to one side and tell him you are not happy and are seriously thinking of ending the marriage? This ultimatum has the air of a psychological game to it. And do you really think that holding off until after Christmas will give your daughter a "normal Christmas"? I imagine the atmosphere in your house is awful at the moment? Only made worse by your involvement with an MM and the fact that you are waiting to pull the trigger...after Christmas. Surely you need to start proper, honest talk with your H right now? I know how difficult this must be. I sense you are lost and vulnerable and I know you are young and inexperienced and I really feel for you. And I want to make it clear that I am not personally judging you at all - after all, I had a full blown affair...and I didn't come here before or during that A like you have (kudos to you for that). I only arrived here after D-day when it was already a salvage operation for my marriage. In coming here before, you have the power of stopping this BEFORE the bomb drops. Please, please take on board what people are saying - they are knowledgeable and they speak form painful bitter experience. They see a train crash on the horizon and they are trying desperately to stop it. Deal with your marriage first. Good luck Edited November 10, 2017 by jenkins95 1 1
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2017 Posted November 10, 2017 Many affairs are really about resentment against the spouse and this one reeks of it. It seems incredibly cruel to me to tell the man you are essentially done, then present him with a hoop you know he can never jump through and then after a "happy" Christmas, you plan to leave anyway...
Author niteandfog Posted November 10, 2017 Author Posted November 10, 2017 I told him he needs actual professional help to deal with his anxiety. I don't even see that as a bad thing? He does absolutely nothing to help himself in that regard. I was telling hm it's just not great for s nor our daughter or anyone for that matter. I've tried to tell him a million times I want out, he never either takes it seriously or simply says that I'm having a bad day and I'll forget about it the next day. He sees divorce as total failure and thinks that divorce is NEVER the option. How can I have a dialogue with him when he's in denial about it? Things at home are not better nor worse, they're about the same. He's stressed and grumpy I keep my distance so it doesn't trigger me.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 10, 2017 Posted November 10, 2017 I told him he needs actual professional help to deal with his anxiety. I don't even see that as a bad thing? He does absolutely nothing to help himself in that regard. I was telling hm it's just not great for s nor our daughter or anyone for that matter. I've tried to tell him a million times I want out, he never either takes it seriously or simply says that I'm having a bad day and I'll forget about it the next day. He sees divorce as total failure and thinks that divorce is NEVER the option. How can I have a dialogue with him when he's in denial about it? Things at home are not better nor worse, they're about the same. He's stressed and grumpy I keep my distance so it doesn't trigger me. He doesn't have to agree with you in order for you to file for divorce. Are you waiting for him to say, "hey! great idea!" ??
Author niteandfog Posted November 10, 2017 Author Posted November 10, 2017 He doesn't have to agree with you in order for you to file for divorce. Are you waiting for him to say, "hey! great idea!" ?? Actually, yes. I'd love for him to conclude that we simply don't work as a couple.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 10, 2017 Posted November 10, 2017 Actually, yes. I'd love for him to conclude that we simply don't work as a couple. Which is exactly how most people in affairs think. Probably won't happen, so now what are you going to do? 1
Author niteandfog Posted November 10, 2017 Author Posted November 10, 2017 Which is exactly how most people in affairs think. Probably won't happen, so now what are you going to do? Well, I'm just preparing him for the news. I think that will lessen the blow. Plus is he's mentally in a stronger position, hopefully he'll take it better.
pheonixrisen Posted November 10, 2017 Posted November 10, 2017 Actually, yes. I'd love for him to conclude that we simply don't work as a couple. I don't think your manipulative behaviour is for him to conclude any thing...its more to make your self feel better .setting up someone for failure when the end is already decided .I find that really sick. You spent half the thread trying to convince every member here how you are in the right track to pursue a mm because your sister agreed he is your dream guy ...then the other half blaming your h for not letting you take medication ...you can start an affair behind his back. Not take the medication needed behind his back ? ..who are you kidding ? Leave with some dignity .And let your family have some too ..he is the father of your child even if things don't work out with him .you should stand together at the very least for the sake of your child ..unless you are hell bent on sticking it to him ..as a **** you for all that you have rewritten here... And as I see there is really no reason for you to gloat about your manupilation ...you think you have the mm to fall back on ...well think again ! So just come out with it as is ..and stop the game playing . 1
Space Ritual Posted November 10, 2017 Posted November 10, 2017 But what does he actually want? As the saying goes... Women want a lot of things from one guy Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of Women. 1
georgia girl Posted November 10, 2017 Posted November 10, 2017 OP, Hope you don't mind the late jump-in here. You'll find that I'm not and never have been an OW and neither have I ever been a BS. Instead, I am a now happily married woman but I was the daughter who saw my parents break up from my father's affair. So, yes I have bias but I really only post when I just feel like someone is lost, even if I find that in your case, it seems you are willfully lost. If I am reading the tea leaves in your posts correctly (and I may not be), it seems like you are here because what you really want is reassurance from the MM that the risk you are happily willing to take on a relationship with him is reciprocated. I think you are significantly emotionally invested in him to the point where you would happily leave your marriage if he guaranteed you a spot in his life. I think where your hesitation comes in - perhaps even where you original question comes in - is because deep down, you know you are way more invested than he is and if you left a) he could get scared off and/or b) you're not sure he would be happy about taking things to the next level. I think instinctively you know that this really is an ego stroke/flirtation for him while you have fallen head over heels in infatuation. Now, you are rewriting your marital history, rewriting your personal needs and rewriting anything you have to in order to justify being around him and in his space to allow and nurture the relationship to continue. I say this without judgment as this is just what I see and I place no value of right or wrong on it. But, here's where the judgment comes in and I'm not going to get into personality or character flaws here. It's about actions. You know that girl in high school or college who had a huge crush on this one guy? The girl that did anything to get into his orbit? She took up a love of basketball, changed her major, joined an intramural team, changed her food tastes, etc., and while she thought it wasn't noticeable, everybody else noticed including the guy? And do you remember how that guy led her on? That, maybe deep down, he actually liked her a little bit but because she was so obvious (not subtle like she thought), he was actually also a little turned off? That he didn't take her seriously? That all of his friends knew that if they got drunk together, they'd probably end up sleeping together and then he'd turn into a real jerk and never call her again? But that she'd probably still like him anyway? And remember how you just wanted to tell her that the guy she was idealizing bore absolutely no resemblance to the guy he was? In my reading of your post, you sound a little like that girl. He sounds a little like that guy and I feel a little like the observer on the sidelines trying to convince you that you've idealized him. I DO think he's using you and I think you want so much more from him than he wants from you. I also think you stand on the brink of throwing everything you have worked so hard all of your life to achieve away just for this version of a man who isn't who you think he is. Please, away from all other noises, get recentered. If it takes a counselor, do it. If it takes a visit to your mom's away from all other men, do it. If it means taking a break from the running club and running on your own, do it. Don't lose sight of your most precious resource - your baby - through all of this. But clear your head. Do not be that girl from college? Remember how when everybody graduated, the guy she was idealizing had started dating a girl who wouldn't take his crap and he ended up falling in love and marrying her? And that girl spent years afterward telling bitter stories about her memories of college? Please don't be her. 2
stillafool Posted November 10, 2017 Posted November 10, 2017 Actually, yes. I'd love for him to conclude that we simply don't work as a couple. Why don't you conclude it and file for divorce? 1
Author niteandfog Posted November 11, 2017 Author Posted November 11, 2017 I will. I just don't want it to be an utter surprise. MM and I had a chat last night. He says he wants to do things in the correct order. He said it's not straight forward but that we'll get there.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 I will. I just don't want it to be an utter surprise. MM and I had a chat last night. He says he wants to do things in the correct order. He said it's not straight forward but that we'll get there. He'll never leave his wife. You do know this, right? 1
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 MM and I had a chat last night. He says he wants to do things in the correct order. He said it's not straight forward but that we'll get there. I've never had an affair, but I've learned enough to know that this is called future faking. They promise the world, but he has no intentions of leaving his wife, which means... This is going to be a totally mind *@$# for you. Let's say you do leave your husband and get physical with this man... You can't help but get attached. At first, it's all fun. But then, you start to get insecure. This means, you will get demanding - "I want to spend more time with you, when will you leave your wife so that we can be together..." The deeper you get and the more time passes, the more resentment you will feel... " I left my marriage and I've given you two years of my life, and you don't seem to care. You haven't lost anything..." It goes on and on, down the spiral... Every. Time. Read the stories on this site. 4
Starswillshine Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 (edited) I would guess most people here would have never entered a relationship if they knew that it would end in heartbreak. We all would say, "no, Thanks." I have posed this question to myself... if someone would have warned me that i woukd have 19 years of happiness but then he would shatter my world. I would have walked away when he approached me (taking away the idea of our children of course... they make it all worth it). As a BS, it is so darn frustrating to watch woman after woman fall and put themselves in this situation when they have the warning. It is right there! Nothing but heartbreak. And it will shatter you completely. DON'T, DON'T, DON'T. You will never be the same. Get out NOW! Edited November 11, 2017 by Starswillshine 5
wmacbride Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Counsellor - well my allocated one is looking into it as I have a chronic condition and they're not very sure therapy will help. Calling 911- Yeah didn't think about it, but good thing to remember. He's a respectable member of the community so I think he'd be embarrassed if anybody knew about my condition. affair being the medication - maybe? Surely it's a form of escapism. The truth is that I only developed this condition after my pregnancy, but i remember I used to be a happier, saner individual. I want to go back to that. MM - has absolutely no idea of how much I struggle. But i'm sure if H every figures it out he'll tell him I belong in a mental institution. It sounds to me like you have a lot of stress in your life, and a lot of areas that need your attention. How about trying to look at your life as if it's an ER and you need to triage what's most important first. Obviously, I am no expert in any way , shape or form, but I would gently suggest to you that your first priority to to get your mental health straightened around. the MM may be a nice escape, but it's not fixing anything. Can you see an actual doctor and have hm or her review your mental state, all the stress in your life, your husband's view of meds., the affair, how you feel your mental issues may be tied to pregnancy/childbirth, etc. Once you can work through this and get a treatment and support plan in place that works well for you, then you'll likley feel a lot stronger and able to face all these issues head on. 1
treehugger12 Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 I actually have MH issues, my H doesn't want me to take my medication, so he's always given me an ultimatum it's either him or the meds. So if your husband gave you the ultimatum, the meds or him, then why aren’t you taking your meds?? You want to leave him anyway, right?? This should make things even easier for your split.
His Minou Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 I have been involved with a married man. They did in fact lead separate lives. He left his wife for me. During our 8 years together, he was having multiple affairs both emotional and physical affairs. I tried to make things work although I know well he will not change. He finally left me for someone else. Younger, prettier, more successful, rich. They are right now in Asia for a two weeeks vacation as I am typing this message. I did fall in love with him and I do still love him. It is true that when a man or a woman cheat with you, he or she will also cheat on you with someone else. A cheater will always cheat and a liar will always lie. He may have deep feelings for you now but if he eventually leave his wife for you, he may or may not carry that guilt into your relationship. It will not work. I have been where you are, I know well how you feel. But I wish I had someone that warn me of the danger. Just don’t invest time and emotion into this affair if you don’t want to walk away. Know this, when a mistress is promoted to be a girl friend or a wife, her previous position will be opened to other applicants. Karma will come knocking. Not to mention the pain your family will have to endure should they found out. LEFT][/left]I'll try to keep it short. this man hunted me down (through social media). It all started flirty and we even sexted. but the more we know each other the more it becomes mellow and romantic and less and less "sexy". We've said a few "i love yous" here and there, we've kissed. He keeps telling me I helped him find "his voice" again, that I'm the closest thing he's had to a best friend in a long time... If it was only sex, I would have already given it to him (and he knows this), what would he get out telling me all of this? the connection is genuine, it really is. But what does he actually want? 1
treehugger12 Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 (edited) 3 week fling with my MM = 5 months of mental pain and heartache!!! You are in the fog like I was, he became an addiction for me, he was all I could think about. I am just starting to get back to myself again and he is fading from my my mind and heart. But you know what helped me? The fine people here on LS! I was looking for help when I had know one to talk to and found it here on LS, I’ve come here every day since and read, I only wish I would have gotten here before it was too late. I learned my lesson for sure and I will never let myself be there again, please listen to what everyone here is saying, no one here would try to help and give you advice if they didn’t care. Thank you everyone here on LS, I’ve not posted a thread on my situation but I read here so much and you all have helped me so much. Edited November 11, 2017 by treehugger12 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 11, 2017 Posted November 11, 2017 Know this, when a mistress is promoted to be a girl friend or a wife, her previous position will be opened to other applicants. Karma will come knocking. Great point, Minou. Welcome to LS.
Bufo Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 Maybe you are in 3 to 5 percent of AP's who do find lasting love with each other. The casinos are built on playing against long odds. Many people enjoy the thrill of tumbling dice, flashing lights and the turn of cards.
Maddieandtae Posted November 12, 2017 Posted November 12, 2017 "Know this, when a mistress is promoted to be a girl friend or a wife, her previous position will be opened to other applicants. Karma will come knocking." This isn't karma, this is just bad behaviour, poor coping skills and selfish behavior on both parties involved in an affair!
Author niteandfog Posted November 19, 2017 Author Posted November 19, 2017 I couldn't live with the double life, so ended up asking for divorce from my H. He wants us to try again. I don't want to. He has no idea of the A. Although AP came and serenaded me outside my house in the wee hours... I don't love my H anymore. I've tried to reason with him. But he just won't let go. I'm trying to do the right thing out of this mess.
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