Finally met someone great, but I'm getting cold feet?

[Lorenza]

Honestly, from the fact that he didn't really listen to your songs and he focuses so much on himself, I think you feel it is a red flag because it comes off as insincere, like "I'm such a good person, I don't have anything bad to say about anyone."

 

Like, get real.

Real is beautiful.

Fake perfection isn't.

 

The fact that he didn't listen to my songs was such a huge turnoff... He talks about music all the time, took me to a live music venue twice, shares links to his favorite music daily (in the beginning I used to comment on each of them with great detail, but he wouldn't quite return it so I stopped). So how could a person like that skip listening to songs his romantic interest wrote and recorded, that should be a treat to any melomaniacs (and I promise, my music is not bad at all). It's not that I want praise, but those were a window straight into my soul and he didn't bother looking through it.

 

When we both got drunk enough, I forced him to tell me personal things and ask "rude" questions. But it still didn't get personal enough to me. Even though he seemed to try his best.

[Lorenza]

I think the comment about the exes is fine. He loves them as people - if that's true - great. It can be a yellow flag if he's saying this just to keep an image of a 'nice guy'.

 

For the upbringing: you need to watch how he acts for longer to see the extent (I've seen my ex's spoiled behavior mainly after I met his family after 2 months of serious dating).

 

Do you feel chemistry with him?

 

Yeah, that's why I brushed it off, thinking that it's a much better sign if someone's talking shyt about their exes. Though he weirdly referred to him and his ex as "we" a couple of times. It's hard to explain, but in that context it seemed weird to me that he didn't say "me and my ex". Ok, but that's not a huge problem.

 

I liked kissing and hugging him. Not sure if that's what chemistry is supposed to be, but I can easily imagine being intimate with him, it doesn't repulse me at all

[No_Go]

The fact that he didn't listen to my songs was such a huge turnoff... He talks about music all the time, took me to a live music venue twice, shares links to his favorite music daily (in the beginning I used to comment on each of them with great detail, but he wouldn't quite return it so I stopped). So how could a person like that skip listening to songs his romantic interest wrote and recorded, that should be a treat to any melomaniacs (and I promise, my music is not bad at all). It's not that I want praise, but those were a window straight into my soul and he didn't bother looking through it.

 

When we both got drunk enough, I forced him to tell me personal things and ask "rude" questions. But it still didn't get personal enough to me. Even though he seemed to try his best.

 

I don't like this behavior at all. He's guarded, he's disinterested, he's self-absorbed. What do you like in him besides him paying for things and being persistent? (the 'good guy' presentation sounded very fake as olive pointed as well...)

[No_Go]

Yeah, that's why I brushed it off, thinking that it's a much better sign if someone's talking shyt about their exes. Though he weirdly referred to him and his ex as "we" a couple of times. It's hard to explain, but in that context it seemed weird to me that he didn't say "me and my ex". Ok, but that's not a huge problem.

 

I liked kissing and hugging him. Not sure if that's what chemistry is supposed to be, but I can easily imagine being intimate with him, it doesn't repulse me at all

 

For the exes: watch it closely , it is not red flag imo but wirth paying attention.

 

For chemistry: being attracted physically and emotionally to him (different than 'not repulsed' - imagine a guy saying he's not repulsed by you, how would you feel )

[Lorenza]

For the exes: watch it closely , it is not red flag imo but wirth paying attention.

 

For chemistry: being attracted physically and emotionally to him (different than 'not repulsed' - imagine a guy saying he's not repulsed by you, how would you feel )

 

Ok, the "not repulsed" things sounded bad, but I was just thinking about my other day from earlier this year and how unpleasant his kisses felt, so this is completely different. I meant it felt nice to kiss this one

[Lorenza]

I don't like this behavior at all. He's guarded, he's disinterested, he's self-absorbed. What do you like in him besides him paying for things and being persistent? (the 'good guy' presentation sounded very fake as olive pointed as well...)

 

He just seems like such an innocent sweet guy in person, he talks passionately about the things that resonate with me, our opinions match on important questions, both into music, eco life, veganism - so we share quite a lot of common ideals. He's really cute and I like his smile a lot. I like that he's handy and that immediately makes me imagine things

When we met for a short coffee, I felt like I want to stay longer with him.

 

And yet I can't shake off the thought that there's not enough depth...

 

I'm trying to get him out of this shell of politeness and positivity - I want to get "dirty" (not sexually) and dig deeper

[olivetree]

He just seems like such an innocent sweet guy in person, he talks passionately about the things that resonate with me, our opinions match on important questions, both into music, eco life, veganism - so we share quite a lot of common ideals. He's really cute and I like his smile a lot. I like that he's handy and that immediately makes me imagine things

When we met for a short coffee, I felt like I want to stay longer with him.

 

And yet I can't shake off the thought that there's not enough depth...

 

I'm trying to get him out of this shell of politeness and positivity - I want to get "dirty" (not sexually) and dig deeper

 

You can find all those positives along with a drive to know you deeply in one person.

And trust me, you will see his interest in you from day one, because they are into you and also want a deep connection.

Edited September 21, 2017 by olivetree

[Lorenza]

You can find all those positives along with a drive to know you deeply in one person.

And trust me, you will see his interest in you from day one, because they are into you and also want a deep connection.

 

Eh, I think I won't diss him just yet, but gonna try meeting some other guys in the mean time as well

[No_Go]

He just seems like such an innocent sweet guy in person, he talks passionately about the things that resonate with me, our opinions match on important questions, both into music, eco life, veganism - so we share quite a lot of common ideals. He's really cute and I like his smile a lot. I like that he's handy and that immediately makes me imagine things

When we met for a short coffee, I felt like I want to stay longer with him.

 

And yet I can't shake off the thought that there's not enough depth...

 

I'm trying to get him out of this shell of politeness and positivity - I want to get "dirty" (not sexually) and dig deeper

 

Make sure he's actually nice not just putting 'nice guy' mask to impress you. Because this can explain the perceived lack of depth...

 

When he's talking about common interests, did he have history in them or he's trying to 'match' you?

 

When is the next date?

[No_Go]

Eh, I think I won't diss him just yet, but gonna try meeting some other guys in the mean time as well

 

Eh after being physical with this one sounds like a bad idea to meet others in parallel I know it's just kissing but still ... gives me bad chills thinking some dude may do this to me.

[Lorenza]

Eh after being physical with this one sounds like a bad idea to meet others in parallel I know it's just kissing but still ... gives me bad chills thinking some dude may do this to me.

 

Oh, but I don't understand what's so sickening about this? Should I consider 3,5 dates and some kissing a commitment? It's not a good idea to bet all my money on one person and shut the rest out, especially when I'm so doubtful... I know you don't like multidating, but it's a good way to prevent yourself from investing emotions too early. I don't mind if he dates others, actually haven't even checked if he's active on the site we met

[Lorenza]

Make sure he's actually nice not just putting 'nice guy' mask to impress you. Because this can explain the perceived lack of depth...

 

When he's talking about common interests, did he have history in them or he's trying to 'match' you?

 

When is the next date?

 

He has history in them and we connected because our profile texts quite matched. And he's the one dominating our conversations about those things. I always get an impression that he doesn't truly listen to me, I don't know why...

 

The next date is not planned yet since he's abroad, after the thing with my songs I'm looking forward to it way way less :/

[No_Go]

He has history in them and we connected because our profile texts quite matched. And he's the one dominating our conversations about those things. I always get an impression that he doesn't truly listen to me, I don't know why...

 

The next date is not planned yet since he's abroad, after the thing with my songs I'm looking forward to it way way less :/

 

Maybe ask him directly for the songs? If he misunderstood that you recorded them by some weird chance...

[No_Go]

Oh, but I don't understand what's so sickening about this? Should I consider 3,5 dates and some kissing a commitment? It's not a good idea to bet all my money on one person and shut the rest out, especially when I'm so doubtful... I know you don't like multidating, but it's a good way to prevent yourself from investing emotions too early. I don't mind if he dates others, actually haven't even checked if he's active on the site we met

 

Checking the site says nothing (he maybe there to check your profile not date).

 

The sickening part for me is getting physical with multiple people. It's kind of gross IMO. But it could be my bias (I kissed exactly 4 guys in my 32 years, and 3 became boyfriends after that so I have strong association kissing=RL)...

 

Still, what's the problem to wait another week or two to evaluate this prospect before dating others? 2 weeks are nothing in the grand scheme of things even if things with him don't work out...

[Lorenza]

Maybe ask him directly for the songs? If he misunderstood that you recorded them by some weird chance...

 

Nah he didn't misunderstand, since he wrote "You're great musician, I like them all" in just like 5 min since I sent them, so no way he even listened

[Cookiesandough]

That would turn me off completely. Especially if it was something you are very passionate about!

[Lorenza]

Checking the site says nothing (he maybe there to check your profile not date).

 

The sickening part for me is getting physical with multiple people. It's kind of gross IMO. But it could be my bias (I kissed exactly 4 guys in my 32 years, and 3 became boyfriends after that so I have strong association kissing=RL)...

 

Still, what's the problem to wait another week or two to evaluate this prospect before dating others? 2 weeks are nothing in the grand scheme of things even if things with him don't work out...

 

I mean I didn't care to check his profile because I don't mind if he's dating others.

 

Well you're just assuming I'll go on and get physical with 10 more guys while in reality I want to go on some more coffee dates with some interesting guys to see how it will feel to talk to them so I have more material for comparison. Seriously, I don't see a reason why it's only ok to go on dates with one person at the time? Just a few kisses and you're obligated to not see anyone else? That's the straightest way to getting overinvested with one.guy that might be wrong for you

[Lorenza]

That would turn me off completely. Especially if it was something you are very passionate about!

 

Oh now I saw that he answered that the songs are really good and that he's listening 2 min after sending and 5 min later he wrote he loves them all and has to go to sleep. I don't know, I might be oversensitive, but you kinda get like that when you're showing things you've created to someone. I expected he will at least listen and comment, tell me which one he liked the most or ask some questions...

[No_Go]

That would turn me off completely. Especially if it was something you are very passionate about!

 

She's a professional musician to my understanding not just passionate....

 

Yep, the guy is a fake 'nice'. Or lacking social awareness completely...

[No_Go]

I mean I didn't care to check his profile because I don't mind if he's dating others.

 

Well you're just assuming I'll go on and get physical with 10 more guys while in reality I want to go on some more coffee dates with some interesting guys to see how it will feel to talk to them so I have more material for comparison. Seriously, I don't see a reason why it's only ok to go on dates with one person at the time? Just a few kisses and you're obligated to not see anyone else? That's the straightest way to getting overinvested with one.guy that might be wrong for you

 

I don't know L, I just don't understand the rush to snatch bf that multidaters (not you in particular) have.

 

If I see someone is wrong for me I'd just stop seeing him, wait a week and meet another one. How that's overinvestment?

[Lorenza]

She's a professional musician to my understanding not just passionate....

 

Yep, the guy is a fake 'nice'. Or lacking social awareness completely...

 

I'm just a hobby musician and a music teacher so it's a big part of my life anyway :/

[Lorenza]

I don't know L, I just don't understand the rush to snatch bf that multidaters (not you in particular) have.

 

If I see someone is wrong for me I'd just stop seeing him, wait a week and meet another one. How that's overinvestment?

 

I feel it's good to compare at this point. After all, it's not the d*** sizes I'm intending to compare, just how it feels to have a conversation with different men - if they're more willing to go out of the safe zone or if they put more effort in a conversation to get to know me properly.

 

But why is multidating such an evil thing all of sudden, isn't many people doing it? I've done it before as well. It's not like I'm sleeping with anyone or having hot make out session with each and every date. A few kisses with a guy while being tipsy doesn't prevent me from getting to know someone else, it's been just 3,5 dates I don't owe him any "loyalty" (and neither I can make a decision about him yep). The point of multidating is to get to know more people to make better assessment of what you are looking for and what is better to avoid.

[No_Go]

Yep, many people do it but that doesn't make it better.

To me multidating is just showing insecurity.

As said what will happen if you evaluate this guy before jumping to next one? It's not like it's the first date in your life, you can tell if there is potential after few hours face time, right? If you don't see him as a partner and you keep dating him - that's stringing him along. If you do see him as a partner but keep seeing others - you are stringing them along.

 

Again, just my opinion, you do you, but for god sake, why the rush? And why not trust yourself more?

 

I feel it's good to compare at this point. After all, it's not the d*** sizes I'm intending to compare, just how it feels to have a conversation with different men - if they're more willing to go out of the safe zone or if they put more effort in a conversation to get to know me properly.

 

But why is multidating such an evil thing all of sudden, isn't many people doing it? I've done it before as well. It's not like I'm sleeping with anyone or having hot make out session with each and every date. A few kisses with a guy while being tipsy doesn't prevent me from getting to know someone else, it's been just 3,5 dates I don't owe him any "loyalty" (and neither I can make a decision about him yep). The point of multidating is to get to know more people to make better assessment of what you are looking for and what is better to avoid.

[Lorenza]

Yep, many people do it but that doesn't make it better.

To me multidating is just showing insecurity.

As said what will happen if you evaluate this guy before jumping to next one? It's not like it's the first date in your life, you can tell if there is potential after few hours face time, right? If you don't see him as a partner and you keep dating him - that's stringing him along. If you do see him as a partner but keep seeing others - you are stringing them along.

 

Again, just my opinion, you do you, but for god sake, why the rush? And why not trust yourself more?

 

Well, agree to disagree I see it in a completely different way, just like I explained - to get a perspective on things from a different angle. And I promise, I don't feel insecure about myself per se, well the only insecurity might be that I can't really trust my judgement and I'm not sure I'm able to see through people (most likely not).

 

Besides, who knows if he's not going on more dates either, since he's busy many evenings lol

[No_Go]

Agreed

 

Except with : 'Besides, who knows if he's not going on more dates either, since he's busy many evenings lol' . Even if he is, your behavior is independent of his. If you feel like multidating, go for it, but not as a kind of reflection of him or revenge.

 

I'd be curious to see how this develops after he's back! Personal intuition: not too promising of a prospect, but on the other side, there is nothing glaringly wrong with him so it won't hurt to see him for another couple of weeks before making your executive decision.