Finally met someone great, but I'm getting cold feet?

[olivetree]

I never felt comfortable sharing any of my deepest thoughts, stories of my past struggles or many other things that make me ME. Funny how we know deep inside, that it's not right

 

If you'd mentioned this in your first post, my advice would have been different.

I assume that you realized all this later on

It sounds like you knew deep down this wasn't a match for very valid reasons.

[coolheadal]

I don't understand what's wrong with me...

 

Have been on two dates with this guy and it seems like someone has molded a perfect guy for like me:

 

He's introverted - hallelujah, dating extroverts make me suffer tremendously;

 

99% of our interests, opinions and hobbies match and I figured it would result in much less complications and drama in life if I just chose someone similar to me;

 

Sweet and humble personality, loves his parents and siblings, handy, generous, calm - everything I would want in a partner;

 

Physically attractive to me and I had a hard time keeping my hands off of him during the date nr 2 (we were at a concert), he kissed me at the end of the night and it felt so right;

 

He texts me the right amount, not too much, not too little;

 

Ok so I could just continue dating him and see where this goes, right? Wrong... Even if it all sounds and feels so promising, I just got a sudden urge to get away and never see him again. And I have not answered about the suggested date nr 3 yet. I just feel so cold inside like I don't want anything, but at the same time I do want a relationship, so what's wrong? Have already felt similarly before, I tend to cancel dates with anyone who sounds promising and nice and I'll take days to answer their messages while I have no problem answering straight away when my relative (a problematic, dysfunctional guy) writes to me.

 

Am I so messed up that someone nice and suitable for me scares me? Is it like, unfamiliar dynamics or something? Should I force myself to go on the third date with him despite all this internal turmoil? Maybe I could win over these weird doubts...

 

I have not answered in 12 h and he already wrote: "Don't you want to meet me, have I done something wrong last time? :("

 

Don't know what to do :/

 

Stop kidding yourself... With all what you have commented on with the rest of here, it's clearly states you can't handle such a good man and rather deal with the other jerks you have been with because you know how to deal with them and tolerate what they dish out too you. Can't have it both ways. Can you. So what your going to do, bail out again like you always do! YES you are because that's all you know right now to do.. This guy doesn't know what he's getting into with you chaos lifestyle you lead on to believe you have...

[LoverOfDance]

Hi Lorenzo,

 

When I first read your post, the thought crossed my mind that you were too used to *********s and didn't know how to handle this guy because he wasn't one. Then I thought to myself, "that is way too cliché. That can't be the reason why she's having doubts about him. There has to be more to it".

 

I'm not sure you have any idea how common your situation is. Many women run the other way when they finally meet the good guy. He's attractive, nice and seems right for me but he's missing the edge.

 

I don't know if I'm right but I feel like your reason for breaking things off with him is an excuse. You can't possibly feel comfortable enough to share deep thoughts and inner struggles with someone you barely know except if they are your therapist. You can feel comfortable with someone you're getting to know but it takes time to get to that point where you feel comfortable enough to start sharing deep thoughts or even revealing any skeletons in your wardrobe. It takes time to feel comfortable enough to really reveal yourself to people because you have to build trust.

 

I hope you can think about all this a little more before concluding on your reasons for ending things.

[Lorenza]

Stop kidding yourself... With all what you have commented on with the rest of here, it's clearly states you can't handle such a good man and rather deal with the other jerks you have been with because you know how to deal with them and tolerate what they dish out too you. Can't have it both ways. Can you. So what your going to do, bail out again like you always do! YES you are because that's all you know right now to do.. This guy doesn't know what he's getting into with you chaos lifestyle you lead on to believe you have...

 

Excuse me? That's a random comment and written in quite an attacking way. You don't know me enough to make those claims. What do you mean "bail out again like you always do" and "chaos lifestyle"? If you comment, please make it relevant and make sure you know what you're talking about.

[Lorenza]

This thread can be closed

[coolheadal]

Excuse me? That's a random comment and written in quite an attacking way. You don't know me enough to make those claims. What do you mean "bail out again like you always do" and "chaos lifestyle"? If you comment, please make it relevant and make sure you know what you're talking about.

 

How you're acting about this, either you deal with the fact he's a great guy or just move on back to what you can handle. Just can't deal with this sort of guy. Know you, really come on now seriously are you sure? If you were so sure you would be able to deal with such a great guy instead of acting like your doing now. I rest my case...

[Lorenza]

I posted before that this thread can be locked,how does it work to make it locked?

[introverted1]

Maybe use the "Alert Us" button to flag a moderator to lock the thread?

[Bastile]

I posted before that this thread can be locked,how does it work to make it locked?

 

Why lock the thread? Deal with detractors. Don't run away.

 

Example:

 

 

Stop kidding yourself... With all what you have commented on with the rest of here, it's clearly states you can't handle such a good man and rather deal with the other jerks you have been with because you know how to deal with them and tolerate what they dish out too you. Can't have it both ways. Can you. So what your going to do, bail out again like you always do! YES you are because that's all you know right now to do.. This guy doesn't know what he's getting into with you chaos lifestyle you lead on to believe you have...

 

He's bloody boring.

 

BORING.

 

A bunch of us have had this recently. We want some excitement in our lives, mate. We don't just want the person who is good on paper.

 

We don't necessarily want to get dragged into your particular idea of "perfect", because it's BORING.

[Lorenza]

He's a happy-go-lucky person with a great life, who hasn't struggled with anything. He's rich and his family is rich. I realized I can't imagine telling him about the things I've gone through or admitting I'm not that well off financially. Besides, I don't think he really needs a girlfriend, his life is complete as it is and it's pretty common in this country with the most single households in the world.

 

I need someone who have gone through something in his life, something humbling, otherwise they will never understand me and vice versa. They can be amazing and kind and posses great personal qualities, but not have the depth and weirdness I need to fall in love with.

 

He told me that he's an overly optimistic person who always smiles and admitted he had great childhood and his early 20's are filled with travels, adventures and all kinds of positive experiences, his family is great, everything is flawless.

 

That's just not for me.

 

Hope this concludes this thread.

[Popsicle]

He sounds like the kind of guy I'm looking for.

 

 

Besides, I don't think he really needs a girlfriend, his life is complete as it is....

.

 

Except the above. The above would put me off. I like needy men.

[Lorenza]

Ok resurrecting this thread cause I just went out with thus guy again.

 

Some days ago he wrote me a long message on how I have misunderstood him, that his not unavailable at all, that a gf is the center of his attention once he's in a relationship and that he was just afraid to rush things. It sounded so honest and must have been quite humbling writing that message to me so I decided he deserved another chance (and maybe I'm actually wrong about him).

 

We went out yesterday and it ended up being a 10 h date, lol. It was fun and I saw how much he's trying to be likable for me and open up his social boundaries (people are usually very afraid of getting on a deep personal level in this country). We kissed and had physical contact quite a lot and I didn't mind it which is not usually the case.

 

I don't have any feelings at all though... Wouldn't have cared if he hasn't contacted me after the date (though he did immediately). But maybe this needs time? I'm usually quite indifferent until a certain time passes. I don't think I'll ever meet someone who's gonna make me feel hooked up from the very beginning

[LoverOfDance]

If you don't care, why are you posting on here and telling us about him and your time with him?

 

I knew you dismissed him too quickly but didn't want to say it because you had already made the decision. I wanted to respect that decision and not tell you what to do.

 

You act like you are interviewing this man for a position - like he has something to prove to you. You are both dating each other - you should simply be learning about him and vice versa.

 

This dating thing is not complicated or hard. We (humans) are the ones who make it so. If you like him enough to go on a few dates with him, good. Keep dating him. If at some point, you don't like him anymore, let him down gently and move on. Same goes for him. This is not a job - he doesn't have to convince you of anything. Please don't make him feel like he has to. It shouldn't be that way.

Edited September 17, 2017 by LoverOfDance

[Lorenza]

If you don't care, why are you posting on here and telling us about him and your time with him?

 

I knew you dismissed him too quickly but didn't want to say it because you had already made the decision. I wanted to respect that decision and not tell you what to do.

 

You act like you are interviewing this man for a position - like he has something to prove to you. You are both dating each other - you should simply be learning about him and vice versa.

 

This dating thing is not complicated or hard. We (humans) are the ones who make it so. If you like him enough to go on a few dates with him, good. Keep dating him. If at some point, you don't like him anymore, let him down gently and move on. Same goes for him. This is not a job - he doesn't have to convince you of anything. Please don't make him feel like he has to. It shouldn't be that way.

 

Um, because this is my thread and I can post in it if I want? It's good for me to keep track on my emotions (or lack thereof) to be able to analyze myself.

 

I don't think I treat this as a job interview at all, not sure why are you saying that? Because I'm posting my thoughts about it, doesnt mean I'm cold or mean to him in person or that I make our meeting formal and complicated. Don't think he'd come back to me after I expressed that we're probably not compatible (in this case he's the one trying to prove something to me) if I wasn't nice to him. He himself contacted me again. Of course I'll express the irrational thoughts and doubts in a forum if I want feedback.

[Lorenza]

Ok I'm starting to care :o

[Dis]

Awww Lor, thats great!

 

Dont worry! Starting to care a little after a couple dates is normal...even thought we dont want to. Having intense feelings at this point, not so much.

 

I'm dating someone and I'm starting to.... care Just a little though!

 

As long as we keep being rational and keep things in perspective theres nothing wrong with starting to feel things... thats the point, right? Its human nature to care about things and people we're interested in

 

Have fun and enjoy it!!!

[Lorenza]

Awww Lor, thats great!

 

Dont worry! Starting to care a little after a couple dates is normal...even thought we dont want to. Having intense feelings at this point, not so much.

 

I'm dating someone and I'm starting to.... care Just a little though!

 

As long as we keep being rational and keep things in perspective theres nothing wrong with starting to feel things... thats the point, right? Its human nature to care about things and people we're interested in

 

Have fun and enjoy it!!!

 

Yes, I guess we're kinda conditioned into expecting fireworks from the very beginning, while there's actually nothing wrong with feelings starting to grow very slowly (not that I have any feelings yet, but I caught myself thinking of about this guy with a tiny bit of tenderness haha).

 

Oh nice to hear, but why the sick emoji ? :D

[Lorenza]

There are some things I don't get about this guy though and they kinda bother me.

 

On one hand he's shown some gestures that indicates his caring nature and signs of thoughtfulness - he doesn't let me pay for anything (I'm studying and working so going out isn't really good for my budget, which is why he insists on paying), he got me some supplements I mentioned I should try, when we met up for a short coffee date this week. Always initiates contact.

 

But... He doesn't ask that much about me. When he does, it feels forced. He mostly sends pictures of his day and tells me about it but rarely asks how mine was. I sent him a link with my songs and he wrote "You're good, I like them all :)" after like 5 min, though there were like 6 songs around 3 minutes each. So he didn't even listen and he's crazy about music otherwise and sends me loads of links.

 

Today I wrote that there's a terror threat that's been spread around in our city (a European capital) and his answer was "Good that I'm in (another country) lol". Wtf? When we talked on phone, I felt he'd interrupt me sometimes or it felt a bit like he's waiting for me to finish to talk himself...

 

Otherwise he's a very shy, mellow person, very calm, a bit spiritual and into all kinds of vintage things. Had two long term relationships and talks kindly about them.

 

I don't get it... I feel I'd like him so much more if not these things :/

[Redhead14]

Ok resurrecting this thread cause I just went out with thus guy again.

 

Some days ago he wrote me a long message on how I have misunderstood him, that his not unavailable at all, that a gf is the center of his attention once he's in a relationship and that he was just afraid to rush things. It sounded so honest and must have been quite humbling writing that message to me so I decided he deserved another chance (and maybe I'm actually wrong about him).

 

We went out yesterday and it ended up being a 10 h date, lol. It was fun and I saw how much he's trying to be likable for me and open up his social boundaries (people are usually very afraid of getting on a deep personal level in this country). We kissed and had physical contact quite a lot and I didn't mind it which is not usually the case.

 

I don't have any feelings at all though... Wouldn't have cared if he hasn't contacted me after the date (though he did immediately). But maybe this needs time? I'm usually quite indifferent until a certain time passes. I don't think I'll ever meet someone who's gonna make me feel hooked up from the very beginning

 

I don't have any feelings at all though -- Down below you say you're beginning to care

 

I think that sometimes all the hashing/rehashing/overthinking, etc., kinda ends up negating your ability to actually be in the moment if you're dating someone new and having reservations early, etc. And, if you're spinning and analyzing and writing about a guy here so much before you get spend some real, quality time with a guy that includes good communication and getting clarity, you're maybe already a little tired of him in a way.

 

Unless the new guy(s) are doing something really heinous or odd, whatever, and you aren't completely turned off at the start, you sometimes have to just kinda go into it with a little blind faith at least and just be open and relaxed.

 

I hope it continues to go well for you

[olivetree]

But... He doesn't ask that much about me. When he does, it feels forced. He mostly sends pictures of his day and tells me about it but rarely asks how mine was. I sent him a link with my songs and he wrote "You're good, I like them all :)" after like 5 min, though there were like 6 songs around 3 minutes each. So he didn't even listen and he's crazy about music otherwise and sends me loads of links.

 

Today I wrote that there's a terror threat that's been spread around in our city (a European capital) and his answer was "Good that I'm in (another country) lol". Wtf? When we talked on phone, I felt he'd interrupt me sometimes or it felt a bit like he's waiting for me to finish to talk himself...

 

Otherwise he's a very shy, mellow person, very calm, a bit spiritual and into all kinds of vintage things. Had two long term relationships and talks kindly about them.

 

I don't get it... I feel I'd like him so much more if not these things :/

 

Next time challenge him and ask him what he liked about the songs.

 

He sounds a bit self-absorbed.

I'd be totally turned off.

Those aren't little things, and they've been bothering you for a while.

 

I think you crave a deep, meaningful connection.

Hold out for someone that wants to know you everything about you, from your first date till you're 90 years old.

[Lorenza]

Next time challenge him and ask him what he liked about the songs.

 

He sounds a bit self-absorbed.

I'd be totally turned off.

Those aren't little things, and they've been bothering you for a while.

 

I think you crave a deep, meaningful connection.

Hold out for someone that wants to know you everything about you, from your first date till you're 90 years old.

 

Yes, I will definitely ask something specific about the songs.

 

It feels like he's more focused on me getting to know him then the other way around. Of course I do want to get to know him, but I appreciate to be asked questions as well (with a heartfelt interest). If you met him in person you would never ever think this is a kind of person who'd be self-absorbed, cause he's just such a calm, smiling and slightly awkward guy, not arrogant or exceeding confidence in any ways. So I don't get it :/

[No_Go]

Honestly - I think you've been seeing red flags over and over, but you probably questioned yourself because of his gestures of supposed kindness (I'd call it dominance...)

 

If you look back to your post 110 I think you describe very well where his behavioral patterns stem from. He was basically a kid fed with a silver spoon My ex was similarly entitled and he was terrible as a partner (when we were living together he'd always say 'my' apartment not 'our' apartment, although I was paying for over half. He was the me-me-me type but I chose to ignore that for a long time....)

 

There are some things I don't get about this guy though and they kinda bother me.

 

On one hand he's shown some gestures that indicates his caring nature and signs of thoughtfulness - he doesn't let me pay for anything (I'm studying and working so going out isn't really good for my budget, which is why he insists on paying), he got me some supplements I mentioned I should try, when we met up for a short coffee date this week. Always initiates contact.

 

But... He doesn't ask that much about me. When he does, it feels forced. He mostly sends pictures of his day and tells me about it but rarely asks how mine was. I sent him a link with my songs and he wrote "You're good, I like them all :)" after like 5 min, though there were like 6 songs around 3 minutes each. So he didn't even listen and he's crazy about music otherwise and sends me loads of links.

 

Today I wrote that there's a terror threat that's been spread around in our city (a European capital) and his answer was "Good that I'm in (another country) lol". Wtf? When we talked on phone, I felt he'd interrupt me sometimes or it felt a bit like he's waiting for me to finish to talk himself...

 

Otherwise he's a very shy, mellow person, very calm, a bit spiritual and into all kinds of vintage things. Had two long term relationships and talks kindly about them.

 

I don't get it... I feel I'd like him so much more if not these things :/

[Lorenza]

Honestly - I think you've been seeing red flags over and over, but you probably questioned yourself because of his gestures of supposed kindness (I'd call it dominance...)

 

If you look back to your post 110 I think you describe very well where his behavioral patterns stem from. He was basically a kid fed with a silver spoon My ex was similarly entitled and he was terrible as a partner (when we were living together he'd always say 'my' apartment not 'our' apartment, although I was paying for over half. He was the me-me-me type but I chose to ignore that for a long time....)

 

Yes, he definitely had a wealthy upbringing, but he did not seem like a completely spoiled person - he was at his parent's place fixing the roof of their house (instead of hiring someone, which is very uncommon here), taking care of his little brother and his hobbies and talking passionately about how he wants to take part in upbringing him, getting lunches for his sister to her work etc. There were a lot things he mentioned that made me think "Wow, what a guy".

 

Ok, now here comes another red flag. I asked him about his previous RL and he had two long-term ones that ended with no drama or anything nasty. He said he's good friends with them and that... he loves both of his exes. As people. Cause they were once a part of his life. Ok, I thought that was weird, but brushed it off, thinking it's better than trashing them down, right? But it's a weird way to put it. Or am I overthinking this?

[olivetree]

Ok, now here comes another red flag. I asked him about his previous RL and he had two long-term ones that ended with no drama or anything nasty. He said he's good friends with them and that... he loves both of his exes. As people. Cause they were once a part of his life. Ok, I thought that was weird, but brushed it off, thinking it's better than trashing them down, right? But it's a weird way to put it. Or am I overthinking this?

 

Honestly, from the fact that he didn't really listen to your songs and he focuses so much on himself, I think you feel it is a red flag because it comes off as insincere, like "I'm such a good person, I don't have anything bad to say about anyone."

 

Like, get real.

Real is beautiful.

Fake perfection isn't.

[No_Go]

I think the comment about the exes is fine. He loves them as people - if that's true - great. It can be a yellow flag if he's saying this just to keep an image of a 'nice guy'.

 

For the upbringing: you need to watch how he acts for longer to see the extent (I've seen my ex's spoiled behavior mainly after I met his family after 2 months of serious dating).

 

Do you feel chemistry with him?

 

Yes, he definitely had a wealthy upbringing, but he did not seem like a completely spoiled person - he was at his parent's place fixing the roof of their house (instead of hiring someone, which is very uncommon here), taking care of his little brother and his hobbies and talking passionately about how he wants to take part in upbringing him, getting lunches for his sister to her work etc. There were a lot things he mentioned that made me think "Wow, what a guy".

 

Ok, now here comes another red flag. I asked him about his previous RL and he had two long-term ones that ended with no drama or anything nasty. He said he's good friends with them and that... he loves both of his exes. As people. Cause they were once a part of his life. Ok, I thought that was weird, but brushed it off, thinking it's better than trashing them down, right? But it's a weird way to put it. Or am I overthinking this?