Finally met someone great, but I'm getting cold feet?

[Lorenza]

I agree with woggle. I think somethings missing but you can't put your finger on it. Jmo

 

I think it's just that I'm very surprised I can be interested in someone without mental illness, shady past, struggles in life. He's all smiles and kindness and nothing messed up about him

[Lorenza]

It's only a third date, gosh! It's not like you're marrying him or moving in with him! Unless you have reasons to fear for your safety, just go for it...

 

FWIW, I think it's normal to be nervous when confronted with something unfamiliar, but you have to power through that otherwise you'll never go anywhere in life.

 

Yes, I should just realize that meeting him doesn't mean we should be together forever, if I'll never overcome my fear of healthy relationships

 

But yes, I'll never have a peaceful life if I continue choosing ***holes. Been thinking about how that needs to change for quite a while now

[TheFinalWord]

I don't understand what's wrong with me...

 

Have been on two dates with this guy and it seems like someone has molded a perfect guy for like me:

 

He's introverted - hallelujah, dating extroverts make me suffer tremendously;

 

99% of our interests, opinions and hobbies match and I figured it would result in much less complications and drama in life if I just chose someone similar to me;

 

Sweet and humble personality, loves his parents and siblings, handy, generous, calm - everything I would want in a partner;

 

Physically attractive to me and I had a hard time keeping my hands off of him during the date nr 2 (we were at a concert), he kissed me at the end of the night and it felt so right;

 

He texts me the right amount, not too much, not too little;

 

Ok so I could just continue dating him and see where this goes, right? Wrong... Even if it all sounds and feels so promising, I just got a sudden urge to get away and never see him again. And I have not answered about the suggested date nr 3 yet. I just feel so cold inside like I don't want anything, but at the same time I do want a relationship, so what's wrong? Have already felt similarly before, I tend to cancel dates with anyone who sounds promising and nice and I'll take days to answer their messages while I have no problem answering straight away when my relative (a problematic, dysfunctional guy) writes to me.

 

Am I so messed up that someone nice and suitable for me scares me? Is it like, unfamiliar dynamics or something? Should I force myself to go on the third date with him despite all this internal turmoil? Maybe I could win over these weird doubts...

 

I have not answered in 12 h and he already wrote: "Don't you want to meet me, have I done something wrong last time? :("

 

Don't know what to do :/

 

A lot of women ghost these days. I understand why he wrote that, but its possible you are annoyed that he is writing and pressuring you for not responding in less than a half a day. He needs to take a chill pill IMHO.

 

I think a lot of women get cold feet, and honestly the best thing you can do (if you have genuine interest) is to tell him things are moving a bit fast and can we slow down. As guys we tend to get excited early on, and sometimes can push a woman too fast. Simply tell him you want to slow down a bit, that you enjoy getting to know him, but you need to move at a slower pace. If he is okay with that, I think you found a good one. If he blows up or gets all offended, than he can have all of the common interests in the world, but I would say he is controlling.

[Lorenza]

A lot of women ghost these days. I understand why he wrote that, but its possible you are annoyed that he is writing and pressuring you for not responding in less than a half a day. He needs to take a chill pill IMHO.

 

I think a lot of women get cold feet, and honestly the best thing you can do (if you have genuine interest) is to tell him things are moving a bit fast and can we slow down. As guys we tend to get excited early on, and sometimes can push a woman too fast. Simply tell him you want to slow down a bit, that you enjoy getting to know him, but you need to move at a slower pace. If he is okay with that, I think you found a good one. If he blows up or gets all offended, than he can have all of the common interests in the world, but I would say he is controlling.

 

I realized I actually took way more than that to respond, checked out my messages and it was way more than 12 h, maybe more than a day, so he probably got anxious about that, he seems to like me a lot. Otherwise he's not bombing me with messages.

 

Hmm, it's not that it's going too fast, think those two dates were quite normal, a bit of physical closeness on the second date and talking on phone a satisfactory amount. I'm just weird, that's all. But the third date is gonna be without the need to get too close so it's good

[TheFinalWord]

I realized I actually took way more than that to respond, checked out my messages and it was way more than 12 h, maybe more than a day, so he probably got anxious about that, he seems to like me a lot. Otherwise he's not bombing me with messages.

 

Hmm, it's not that it's going too fast, think those two dates were quite normal, a bit of physical closeness on the second date and talking on phone a satisfactory amount. I'm just weird, that's all. But the third date is gonna be without the need to get too close so it's good

 

That's cool! Perhaps it is not any actions on his end, you might just be worried that this could work out and are stressed about being vulnerable. Relationships and opening yourself to someone is risky and makes us vulnerable to being hurt.

 

Either way, I hope it works out for you. You seem like a nice person!

[Bastile]

A lot of women ghost these days. I understand why he wrote that, but its possible you are annoyed that he is writing and pressuring you for not responding in less than a half a day. He needs to take a chill pill IMHO.

 

I think that it's the complete opposite: the guy needs to escalate and filter properly.

 

She just isn't attracted to him. Taking over a day to accept a date invite, and then being relieved that there won't be any opportunity to touch on the date...

 

Very low-interest, and a classic case of thinking something should work on paper, whilst being attracted to something completely different.

 

Men are really responsible in these cases for not being decisive, and not escalating properly.

 

It's up to men to filter for high-interest. For example, had a woman where we had problems with the birth control. When we eventually had sex for the first time, she said "finally" as we started.

 

This is normal, and thinking otherwise shows that so many settle for low-interest.

 

Do women suddenly transform their whole perception of a man to go from low-interest to high over time? Possibly... but I haven't personally found it to be worthy of more investment than a few dates.

 

My opinion is to next, and both find people more suited to the other.

[TheFinalWord]

I think that it's the complete opposite: the guy needs to escalate and filter properly.

 

She just isn't attracted to him. Taking over a day to accept a date invite, and then being relieved that there won't be any opportunity to touch on the date...

 

Very low-interest, and a classic case of thinking something should work on paper, whilst being attracted to something completely different.

 

Men are really responsible in these cases for not being decisive, and not escalating properly.

 

It's up to men to filter for high-interest. For example, had a woman where we had problems with the birth control. When we eventually had sex for the first time, she said "finally" as we started.

 

This is normal, and thinking otherwise shows that so many settle for low-interest.

 

Do women suddenly transform their whole perception of a man to go from low-interest to high over time? Possibly... but I haven't personally found it to be worthy of more investment than a few dates.

 

My opinion is to next, and both find people more suited to the other.

 

It possible. The information changed since my post. Initially OP said it was 12 hours, now we are talking even more time. This is one reason I recommend men not text and talk a bunch between dates initially. Set up a specific day, time, and location. If she flakes, that's how he knows. Not time between text messages. Instead, he is texting and talking in between and is emotionally invested prematurely.

 

While I agree with you the guy should filter, my only point is he is pressuring her already, so any bit of interest she may have, will dissipate faster. He can't control her or pressure her so early on.

 

A lot of people recommend to abort during these early stages unless there is this Romeo and Juliet scenario. I recommend to allow initial awkwardness to work itself out. But I do think if the guy comes on too strong initially, it can make what would otherwise be a healthy dating relationship, go sour fast. He should have just attempted to set up a third date, with a specific time and location. If she did not respond, don't keep writing and pressuring. He could try one more time to reach out, just in case the message was lost, a few days later. If he gets no response, move on and forget about her. Filter based on whether she is accepting and going on dates.

 

Notice I said, if she has any interest, communicate with him that things are going too fast. I then qualified that by saying that his reaction, will tell her all she needs to know. If he is okay with it, she has found a good one and its likely on her end. If he acts all hurt, he is controlling.

Edited September 3, 2017 by TheFinalWord

[Bastile]

It possible. The information changed since my post. Initially OP said it was 12 hours, now we are talking even more time. This is one reason I recommend men not text and talk a bunch between dates initially. Set up a specific day, time, and location. If she flakes, that's how he knows. Not time between text messages. Instead, he is texting and talking in between and is emotionally invested prematurely.

 

Going "no-contact" between dates, with the typical advice of "plan the date, then keep off the phone" is a sure way to see your flake rate skyrocket.

 

His investment will have nothing to do with shooting off some messages, and likely everything to do with scarcity. Getting overly invested in a few days worth of messaging is a need issue - and a man with options is a man without need.

 

While I agree with you the guy should filter, my only point is he is pressuring her already (after only two dates, if she does not respond in 12 hours he is asking what he did wrong), so any bit of interest she may have, will dissipate faster. He can't control her or pressure her so early on.

 

He hasn't made a move in two dates, and then he tolerates her going ghost on a third date invite.

 

There's no "pressuring" (that's part of the problem). It's simply her low-interest that makes his behaviour seem able to be read as such.

 

At this point, his mere presence is becoming an offense to the sensibilities.

 

A lot of people recommend to abort during these early stages unless there is this Romeo and Juliet scenario. I recommend to allow initial awkwardness to work itself out. But I do think if the guy comes on too strong initially, it can make what would otherwise be a healthy dating relationship, go sour fast.

 

Who said anything about Romeo and Juliet?

 

Important as a basic to be filtering out women who are repulsed by you.

 

Men need to do this, because women often attempt to find a use for men regardless of whether or not they are sexually repulsed by the said man.

 

 

Notice I said, if she has any interest, communicate with him that things are going to fast. I then qualified that by saying that his reaction, will tell her all she needs to know. If he is okay with it, she has found a good one and its likely on her end. If he acts all hurt, he is controlling.

 

You want her to give the "let's take this slow" speech, to a man who hasn't made a move in two dates....

[Lorenza]

Going "no-contact" between dates, with the typical advice of "plan the date, then keep off the phone" is a sure way to see your flake rate skyrocket.

 

His investment will have nothing to do with shooting off some messages, and likely everything to do with scarcity. Getting overly invested in a few days worth of messaging is a need issue - and a man with options is a man without need.

 

 

 

He hasn't made a move in two dates, and then he tolerates her going ghost on a third date invite.

 

There's no "pressuring" (that's part of the problem). It's simply her low-interest that makes his behaviour seem able to be read as such.

 

At this point, his mere presence is becoming an offense to the sensibilities.

 

 

 

Who said anything about Romeo and Juliet?

 

Important as a basic to be filtering out women who are repulsed by you.

 

Men need to do this, because women often attempt to find a use for men regardless of whether or not they are sexually repulsed by the said man.

 

 

 

 

You want her to give the "let's take this slow" speech, to a man who hasn't made a move in two dates....

 

What do you mean by "hasn't made a move"? Is kissing me on a second date not enough? I would certainly not accept anything more than that, from any man. He was also holding me while we stood and listened to the performing band. And I was surely not repulsed, I think I mentioned in one of the posts, that I couldn't keep my hands off of him and I find him physically attractive.

[Lorenza]

That's cool! Perhaps it is not any actions on his end, you might just be worried that this could work out and are stressed about being vulnerable. Relationships and opening yourself to someone is risky and makes us vulnerable to being hurt.

 

Either way, I hope it works out for you. You seem like a nice person!

 

Thanks

 

Stressing about becoming vulnerable is probably also a part of it. This is my first single year in a long time and I've been feeling that I'm so far away from all the challenges that come with a relationship. Or more like being locked away within the walls of a very stable, very secure fortress. I've been sitting inside of that fortress thinking I shouldn't go out seeking a new relationship, because my taste in men is horrible anyway. Have used this time to build myself up, gain a stronger character.

 

Now I feel I came out and it's a little confusing.

[Bastile]

And I was surely not repulsed, I think I mentioned in one of the posts, that I couldn't keep my hands off of him and I find him physically attractive.

 

But the third date is gonna be without the need to get too close so it's good

 

That, the references to "wanting to get away and never see him again", and the ghosting gave me the this impression.

 

Usually, in my own life, when I ask someone on a date and they don't reply until another day, I just assume that they are seeing other people also.

 

Regardless of whether or not it's correct is sort of moot (to me), it's the underlying lack of interest which is pertinent. He can do better for interest, and you can do better in finding a guy that inspires a better interest from you.

 

Just an opinion, no need to get angry.

[Woggle]

But the thing is, how do I relearn to aim for healthy relationships without getting involved in one? That's why I'm trying to push through... And the guy is lovely, I felt an insane attraction. It's just that he's not a complicated ***hole that I'm used to get involved with and I'm thinking that's why this all feels so confusing. I have a hard time believing someone's so easy going and kind. I'm feeling some kind of mental dissonance.

 

Just to be clear I went out with nice guys too. But never got attracted to one (except my very first bf)

 

Maybe get some counseling or something but don't drag an innocent guy into things when you are still in the stages of relearning. It's better to bail now than to get serious with them one day panic and truly break his heart. At this point you are still a work in progress so let that work continue until you start having relationships again. If being in a drama free situation feels odd to you then you still have some work to do on yourself. Not trying to be harsh or anything but getting accustomed to bad relationships to the point that a good one makes you scared is not something that is overcome overnight.

[TheFinalWord]

Who said anything about Romeo and Juliet?

 

Just a generalization. Not meaning to target your response specifically.

 

Well, I gave my two cents and you have given yours. Hopefully it has given OP two guys' perspectives for consideration.

[No_Go]

L, I find it a little puzzling that you're so convinced that something must be wrong with you, you have some 'disability' to select/get attracted to good guys etc. I'm pretty convinced you're fine. It is just that you have had back luck in your past few relationships, not lack of ability to select guys in general.

 

I think sometimes when our gut tells us something it is better to listen. I had good physical chemistry with my ex and we're very sexually compatible, but my gut never stopped telling me he's not right... He wasn't. If I listened, I wouldn't have wasted 2 years with him.

 

I'm curious to hear how the next date goes, I think you should definitely go with open mind, but don't underestimate your instincts either... they can be powerful mechanism to warn us for something before we know exavctly what it is.

 

But the thing is, how do I relearn to aim for healthy relationships without getting involved in one? That's why I'm trying to push through... And the guy is lovely, I felt an insane attraction. It's just that he's not a complicated ***hole that I'm used to get involved with and I'm thinking that's why this all feels so confusing. I have a hard time believing someone's so easy going and kind. I'm feeling some kind of mental dissonance.

 

Just to be clear I went out with nice guys too. But never got attracted to one (except my very first bf)

[Lorenza]

L, I find it a little puzzling that you're so convinced that something must be wrong with you, you have some 'disability' to select/get attracted to good guys etc. I'm pretty convinced you're fine. It is just that you have had back luck in your past few relationships, not lack of ability to select guys in general.

 

I think sometimes when our gut tells us something it is better to listen. I had good physical chemistry with my ex and we're very sexually compatible, but my gut never stopped telling me he's not right... He wasn't. If I listened, I wouldn't have wasted 2 years with him.

 

I'm curious to hear how the next date goes, I think you should definitely go with open mind, but don't underestimate your instincts either... they can be powerful mechanism to warn us for something before we know exavctly what it is.

 

I'm pretty sure I've managed to mess up my perception of closeness, as some other poster wrote, associating closeness and emotional attachment with dysfunctionality. But I'm still able to recognize a good guy, so maybe it's not completely lost.

 

Eh, my gut isn't always reliable. I had no problem getting involved with a narcissist a couple of years ago. :/

 

Will update after the 3rd meeting, hopefully it will guide me towards one side or another

[Lorenza]

Maybe get some counseling or something but don't drag an innocent guy into things when you are still in the stages of relearning. It's better to bail now than to get serious with them one day panic and truly break his heart. At this point you are still a work in progress so let that work continue until you start having relationships again. If being in a drama free situation feels odd to you then you still have some work to do on yourself. Not trying to be harsh or anything but getting accustomed to bad relationships to the point that a good one makes you scared is not something that is overcome overnight.

 

Counseling is not an option here where I live. I'm not completely clueless on how healthy relationships work, in theory at least. But how to put it in practice if I don't take risks with someone? He'd also take a risk with me, if this continued towards a RL, but don't we all? Gotta start somewhere... So I think I'll try my best to relax and see where this goes.

[Dis]

Hey girl

 

I can kind of see myself in your shoes a bit

 

I part of the reason why you're on the fence is because you dont have enough information to make a judgement call just yet

 

Try to shut off your brain until the 3rd date. Once the 3rd date has come and gone, then you can get to thinking about what direction you want to go in

 

Dont beat yourself up about the mistakes you've made in the past. None of us are perfect!

 

You're making an effort to avoid repeating mistakes, you post here for advice, you're introspective and self aware... you're doing just fine

 

I'll keep an eye out for a update!

[Mkn1010]

I think you need to take the pressure of yourself to decide immediately whether or not he is compatible with you long term, it's nice that you're contemplating this because it shows that you're thinking of him and not wanting to string him along to only get hurt! But you just can't know this stuff after 2 dates... Perhaps you're expecting to just 'KNOW' (as people often advise that that's the way it happens), but that's a load of BS. Often in those situations where we think we 'just know' someone is 'the one' for us, it's where we feel chemistry (a pull towards them that is often based on our unhealthy past, as you've correctly identified). So please fight against your natural programming of feeling comfortable with problematic men and give this a chance!

 

 

And remember it's ONLY DATE THREE! You don't need to decide your whole future right this minute when you barely know the guy and 99% of the time it's a false start anyway and they're not the right match for an LTR. Take it one day at a time and only decide if you liked him enough on that one occasion to warrant ONE MORE DATE! That's all!

 

 

I'm hoping that 'different' means a great guy for you here

[Vyliss]

I disagree with all the people saying to "next" this guy. OP is clearly very much interested and is doing a self-sabotage. Happens all the time.

 

You'll just have to step into the discomfort and push through it. Focus on how great he is and your interactions on your dates. Anything else is your own demons coming out to spoil things for you.

 

Personally, if this guy really likes you he'll understand your "push and pull" thing but you should explain why you're "slow" answering. He will be more understanding if you do.

 

I did a similar thing to my husband when we were dating. I waited almost a whole day to respond to him when normally we would chat everyday for hours. It was because I got "weirded out" and felt I needed to distance myself.

 

I also felt he was perfect and "too good to be true" - of course I wasn't used to that and wanted to create issues when there were none. Our start was rocky because of my issues... but I pushed through them, practiced good communication with him and am happily married now.

 

By the way, I strongly suggest you go as far as you can with this guy (into a relationship and committed). Do not run because the minute you do, you'll have to deal with the same issue the next time "Mr Perfect" comes along and the whole thing will repeat all over again.

 

You can't "fix yourself" by being single. You have to get into relationships and go through all that is painful and uncomfortable (possible break ups, rejections, opening up etc). This is the only way to "rewire yourself" and come out with a happy, healthy, passionate relationship.

 

You may be "used" to dysfunctional relationships but you "want" a healthy relationship - do what you know is right instead of what is familiar.

 

What is familiar is sometimes messed up and bad for us.

[Robratory]

Edit: Sorry, didn't read where you said counseling was not an option.

[Lorenza]

Hey girl

 

I can kind of see myself in your shoes a bit

 

I part of the reason why you're on the fence is because you dont have enough information to make a judgement call just yet

 

Try to shut off your brain until the 3rd date. Once the 3rd date has come and gone, then you can get to thinking about what direction you want to go in

 

Dont beat yourself up about the mistakes you've made in the past. None of us are perfect!

 

You're making an effort to avoid repeating mistakes, you post here for advice, you're introspective and self aware... you're doing just fine

 

I'll keep an eye out for a update!

 

Hi Dis,

He rescheduled our tomorrow's date, saying he got cold while working outside during the weekend, suggested Saturday or Sunday instead, so I guess I'll have to wait to get more information and make up my mind about this one

Maybe I've found his flaw, which is delaying dates, who knows

[d0nnivain]

So I think I'll try my best to relax and see where this goes.

 

 

Excellent plan.

 

 

Do not take the fact that he got a cold over the rainy weekend as evidence that you are doomed.

 

 

Relax & go with the flow. It is only date three. By month three it would be time to fish or cut bait.

[Lorenza]

Nah guys, I'm dropping him. Wrote that he realized he has already promised to go somewhere with his family on Saturday, in case he gets well. So he suggested a week from now. We saw each other last week so it would be quite a long time in between, which is just stupid.

I wrote back that it's hard to plan so far ahead, so "we can see". But to me this is foreshadowing that he's not that kind of person who normally wants to meet often. Next

[Dis]

Hi Dis,

He rescheduled our tomorrow's date, saying he got cold while working outside during the weekend, suggested Saturday or Sunday instead, so I guess I'll have to wait to get more information and make up my mind about this one

Maybe I've found his flaw, which is delaying dates, who knows

 

Hmmm...

 

Do you feel like he's being honest?

 

Do you guys have the details for the next date all squared away yet?

 

I wish this didnt happen because you're already kind of on the fence and having more time away from him and more time to think about things might not be a good thing. Are you feeling less into him now that he had to reschedule?

 

I dont like rescheduling...it always smells fishy to me

 

Edit: Just saw your update.... Good call girl! If he's not on this, next him. There's plenty of guy who will make time to see you as often as possible. No need to waste time on a wishy washy guy...especially if you're kinda feeling wishy washy about him too

[spiderowl]

Not really... At least not to the point of not wanting to meet other men. Definitely completely over any exes. Did have a crush on a guy during summer but not anything I particularly care about..

 

You didn't quite finish that last sentence as you continued it with ... Interesting! Maybe you do particularly care about this guy over the summer.

 

I do know what you mean though. I am in the same position. I move forward with someone for one, maybe two dates, then start to panic. I feel like I'm going into a tunnel I won't get out of. The guy may not even be thinking long term but somehow I start to feel trapped and as if he is going to be unsuitable. I don't give him chance before I start sounding vague and making him feel uncertain and insecure. I think I am trying to avoid getting into a situation where I might hurt him. I'm not sure if this is because I have decided he is unsuitable or what (sometimes it is). I do not want to feel committed at such an early stage and yet by continuing to date I must be signalling that commitment is possible (and therefore possibly misleading him?). Who knows? How does one handle this?