Finally met someone great, but I'm getting cold feet?

[Lorenza]

Sounds like self sabotage to me. There is a lot written about it, maybe have a google and see if you can relate. And text the poor boy back, he sounds lovely. Give it a few more dates and hopefully if it is a fear based response it will subside.

 

Yes, I though about it. I was about to sabotage myself earlier on in summer, when I wanted to go after a completely unsuitable guy who'd only bring me loads of pain and anxiety (even just chatting with him was anxiety inducing) but caught myself before acting upon it, with the exact thoughts of self sabotage. Probably that's happening again, but instead of doing something harmful I want to reject something good :/

[Lorenza]

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but can tell you something my current fiance told me. She said for years she dated guys she knew were bad for her. She grew up with an alcoholic father. She lived with a crackhead. She lived with an alcoholic. Even though she knew they weren't good for her, turbulent partner relationships, as she saw with her parents growing up, was what she knew. So, somehow, deep in her psyche, that was the way relationships worked. It was frustrating yet thrilling. Undependable partners who you never knew what they would do. On the surface it was horrible, but underneath it was kind of a thrill.

 

Maybe? Just a thought.

 

My parents have never abused me or any substances. I had a lovely childhood. But later on in life they had gone through a nasty divorce and I myself had challenging periods in life (I'm an emigrant). Psychological pain and anxiety used to be my constant state of mind for years. I think somewhere deep inside I find comfort in dysfunctional relationships because that's what shaped my adult life.

 

But I really want a nice relationship for a change. If I'm not gonna mess it up :/

[Lorenza]

I have had to go through a period of this in nearly every relationship I had. I had to learn to discern when I am just genuinely not into someone or when I just have anxieties for no reason.

 

I made myself push through this when I felt the guy was worth it and it did subside in time. I usually told myself "Just one more date, there will always be an option to break things off tomorrow".

 

The only exceptions were when I was crazy about a guy (which was like 1-2 times in my life max). I did feel anxiety but more of an excited kind and I never thought of cancelling dates. Unfortunately, in these situations guys ended it with me

 

For me, it's not a "bad boy" thing, it's I enjoy being single too much thing and I tend to find relationships too restrictive unless it's "once in a lifetime" type of passion. The guys I was really into were kind and high quality people, brilliant, attractive etc etc.

 

Yeah, I think it might be good to have that in mind - I can always break things off, if I really don't want the continue. But still push myself to go on those dates anyway, cause this is definitely not a lack of interest from my side. Never been crazy about anyone though...

 

Did you feel like relationships restricted you from having other options? Because I've never felt that way, being in rl usually sucked for me because I could never get what I wanted from the men I was with. And all the complications they came with.

[Lorenza]

This is 100% fear (which can manifest as feelings dropping) and something you need to learn to push through.

 

Go on date #3!!

 

I will go, if he confirms the details that is... Cause now he's the one lagging. Might be revenge for my very late response about the date (hope not, cause it would be quite childish)

[Lorenza]

You have to retrain your brain to stop confusing emotional angst with emotional connection. I get it I've been there! Sounds like you might think he's too "boring" because he's not an *******. As @d0nnivain said, your brain is not giving you accurate information.

 

Give this guy a chance. <3

 

Oh damn, confusing emotional angst with emotional connection is exactly what I'm doing! You just made me realize that There must be some incorrectly connected neural pathways in my brain or something. Possible to reconnect them?

[Lorenza]

Perhaps you can't handle the stress of getting into a normal relationship? His last text to you was a little needy though.

 

I always thought I'd be blessed to get a needy guy... Though I'm not quite sure if this one's needy, as I don't know him well yet. He's not that big on texting either, so time will show. Or maybe he won't write me again taking my slow response as a lack of interest :/

[Lorenza]

Well, he's on the receiving end of countless threads in this forum where people wonder "we had such a good date and seemed to be a good match, I don't understand what's going on".

 

I find it somewhat cynical that suddenly he's the one doing something wrong.

 

If you are not feeling it, just say it gently but firmly.

 

I felt it, I truly did. I was thinking about him a lot after the second date. And then just a sudden mental blockage

[Lorenza]

With all the drama you've been through in the past, you have become desensitized to normal. It's like an addict needs more and more stimulus in order to feel that high. This is why I'm not a fan of open-mindedness. I like when normal feels awesome. Try to reprogram yourself, is all I can offer you for advice.

 

This also sounds very accurate. I guess reprogramming myself just means I need to fake it until I make it? (that doesn't mean I'd have to fake liking this guy, as I already do, just faking that I'm not scared of escalating this)

[Popsicle]

This also sounds very accurate. I guess reprogramming myself just means I need to fake it until I make it? (that doesn't mean I'd have to fake liking this guy, as I already do, just faking that I'm not scared of escalating this)

 

Yes!

 

popsicle

[Popsicle]

There was something about these past dysfunctional relationships that you liked. You should spend some time thinking about this in detail and isolate what those things were that you liked, and then connect the dots as to why those things were actually bad. This is very important and honesty is imperative. You will then start to reprogram you mind to feel bad about those things instead of good.

[CoolJoe]

No, except for coming back to university, but that gave a sense of overwhelming happiness, even though it means I'm working and earning less money now.

 

It's hard to understand myself. Some days I feel like I just want a calm relationship with someone who'd treat me right, other days it scares the crap out of me.

 

Does it work out for you, when you push yourself to keep seeing your date? I mean do you feel like you're warming up to the idea of a relationship?

 

I'm not really "pushing" myself to see my date, though. Last week I nudged myself, but not push. I do (really) like her, but I'm so used to chasing (and failing) that this one has been so easy and effortless it scares me at times. But I think this is normal and part of our subconscious wants to pull a self sabotage. I think if you like someone reasonably well enough and vice versa, then you should see it through. You might end up getting hurt anyway, but you'll never know what may be if you just give up now. How many (happy) families are there now because the husband and wife said somewhere along the line "No pain no gain" during their early dating stage? Not all relationships are rocket ship to the moon. Many have their ups and downs but at the end of the day, does that person genuinely care about you? And vice versa? With no deal breakers either way? Then that's really not such a bad thing, y'know?

[Redhead14]

Lorenza, sometimes you just gotta push your comfort zone a little or, in your case, discomfort zone . This guy checks off your boxes for the most part. It only going to be 3 dates so far if you accept a third. You are looking too far into the future and thinking about whether it will turn into a relationship or not. I think you are feeling the burn of your past dating scenarios and concerned about the "what ifs", i.e. what if I get attached and he dumps me, what if, what if. You should respond and if he asks you for a third date, great. Just take it one date at a time for a bit. Enjoy the time and chill.

 

If you live by the "what ifs" all the time, you are missing out on what's now.

Edited September 2, 2017 by Redhead14

[FilterCoffee]

Hi Lorenza,

 

Do you think you're getting all this anxiety because you feel like you've met someone you really really like? Maybe even the best guy you've ever dated and you're a bit scared of losing him? If that's the case then consciously taking things slower could help. That way you'll have more control over your anxiety and if you escalate things nicely he'll be excited to see you every time

[Lorenza]

I'm not really "pushing" myself to see my date, though. Last week I nudged myself, but not push. I do (really) like her, but I'm so used to chasing (and failing) that this one has been so easy and effortless it scares me at times. But I think this is normal and part of our subconscious wants to pull a self sabotage. I think if you like someone reasonably well enough and vice versa, then you should see it through. You might end up getting hurt anyway, but you'll never know what may be if you just give up now. How many (happy) families are there now because the husband and wife said somewhere along the line "No pain no gain" during their early dating stage? Not all relationships are rocket ship to the moon. Many have their ups and downs but at the end of the day, does that person genuinely care about you? And vice versa? With no deal breakers either way? Then that's really not such a bad thing, y'know?

 

I guess you're right, it wouldn't hurt to stay and find out. Someone nice and uncomplicated also scares me, lol. It's weird how we're afraid of unfamiliar dynamics even though it's something potentially good for us. It's a steeper learning curve perhaps, but as it often is with learning to use new (and more efficient) tools, difficulties faced in the beginning can pay off.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, sometimes you just gotta push your comfort zone a little or, in your case, discomfort zone . This guy checks off your boxes for the most part. It only going to be 3 dates so far if you accept a third. You are looking too far into the future and thinking about whether it will turn into a relationship or not. I think you are feeling the burn of your past dating scenarios and concerned about the "what ifs", i.e. what if I get attached and he dumps me, what if, what if. You should respond and if he asks you for a third date, great. Just take it one date at a time for a bit. Enjoy the time and chill.

 

If you live by the "what ifs" all the time, you are missing out on what's now.

 

Yes, I'm a bit too far ahead. Just got this feeling that if we proceed this might result in a relationship. But actually there's no guarantee and I should just relax and go with the flow. You're right, it would just be 3 dates, if I went on this one, means nothing in the big scheme of things. We just met and I'm already feeling trapped, that's just my anxious mind..

[Lorenza]

Hi Lorenza,

 

Do you think you're getting all this anxiety because you feel like you've met someone you really really like? Maybe even the best guy you've ever dated and you're a bit scared of losing him? If that's the case then consciously taking things slower could help. That way you'll have more control over your anxiety and if you escalate things nicely he'll be excited to see you every time

 

He's definitely the first guy I've met who seems like a whole package already from date 1. I remember meeting my exes, their weirdness and charisma would instantly get me hooked but there would also be loads of red flags from the very beginning. Red flags I would ignore. This guy shows no red flags so far. But yet again it might be too early to say.

Oh yes, I'd happily take things slow this, if it comes to this!

[Lorenza]

We chatted but he didn't confirm the details of the upcoming date. Is he waiting for me to do it? It took me 1,5 days to even agree to go on a date, so maybe he's waiting for a sign that I'm truly interested?

[No_Go]

We chatted but he didn't confirm the details of the upcoming date. Is he waiting for me to do it? It took me 1,5 days to even agree to go on a date, so maybe he's waiting for a sign that I'm truly interested?

 

Yeah I think he flipped the roles - he came strong and you're wish washy, now he's doing the same to you. Childish but some 'dating gurus ' give sh*tty advice to people so things like this follow.

 

Just go ahead and confirm details if you want to see him.

[Lorenza]

Yeah I think he flipped the roles - he came strong and you're wish washy, now he's doing the same to you. Childish but some 'dating gurus ' give sh*tty advice to people so things like this follow.

 

Just go ahead and confirm details if you want to see him.

 

I reached out about the details and no answer from him the whole day. I think my lack of enthusiasm about the third date scared him off and I can't blame him actually. Shouldn't have left him hanging. The weirdest thing is

I'm kinda relieved... What could be better than a great guy not wanting to see you anymore (sarcasm)

[GemmaUK]

It's possible you had a gut instinct that he was too good to be true.

 

See what happens but be aware of that and don't let anything move too fast.

[Lorenza]

Oh, spoke too fast, he was apparently driving back home from the southern part of the country, as he was visiting his parents this weekend. The date is on Wednesday, will try to not back out of it

[Woggle]

I will differ from everybody else and say just cut him off now. If you were into him you would not be looking for reasons to back out of it. Just let him go so he can move on instead of hurting him down the road. If you have some sort of subconscious aversion to a healthy relationship then deal with that before you get involved with anybody.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with woggle. I think somethings missing but you can't put your finger on it. Jmo

[Els]

It's only a third date, gosh! It's not like you're marrying him or moving in with him! Unless you have reasons to fear for your safety, just go for it...

 

FWIW, I think it's normal to be nervous when confronted with something unfamiliar, but you have to power through that otherwise you'll never go anywhere in life.

[Lorenza]

I will differ from everybody else and say just cut him off now. If you were into him you would not be looking for reasons to back out of it. Just let him go so he can move on instead of hurting him down the road. If you have some sort of subconscious aversion to a healthy relationship then deal with that before you get involved with anybody.

 

But the thing is, how do I relearn to aim for healthy relationships without getting involved in one? That's why I'm trying to push through... And the guy is lovely, I felt an insane attraction. It's just that he's not a complicated ***hole that I'm used to get involved with and I'm thinking that's why this all feels so confusing. I have a hard time believing someone's so easy going and kind. I'm feeling some kind of mental dissonance.

 

Just to be clear I went out with nice guys too. But never got attracted to one (except my very first bf)