I'm not sure what is happening with this guy ?

[olivetree]

I'm moving on though. These feelings I have. I felt with my ex. The feeling of them being too busy with work, life, and not feeling important. I hate this feeling. I don't know if I want to feel this way.

 

It's good that you recognize that you don't like the feeling.

Whether his excuse is real or not, you want a man that makes you feel important.

Don't settle

[olivetree]

I am unsure. This is exactly what was said

 

Him: "are you back?"

Me: "I am back"

Him: "Wooo. Then where are you?"

Me: "At my house"

Him: "No, why aren't you here?"

Me: " Someone didn't invite me ;)"

Him: "Uhm well meet me"

Me: "Meet you where?"

Him: "In my room"

Me: "You know that's not how I roll Mister"

Him: "Welp"

Me: "welp what?"

Him: "Thats unfortunate"

Me: "To be honest, I'm really tired from the trip, but I do really want to see you, so how about something tomorrow?"

Him: "Aaaahhhh, I already told the guys I'd go with them."

 

...

 

That's how the conversation went. I feel bad. I hope I didn't **** up. I do really like this guy. He's pretty great, other than the recent not seeing me thing. I'm not sure what to do to fix this. I don't want to be clingy or needy. When he was inviting me to his room at 9pm, it felt like a booty call and it made me nervous.

 

How do I fix this???

 

I think you handed this perfectly by the way.

[rightondude]

I smell commitment issues after a (somewhat) hot and heavy start. I have had probably 5 relationships in my life go just like this one where I'm super into someone initially, then it fades quickly either from my side or the other's. Granted most of those were in my 20's.

 

If someone is really into you; it doesn't matter if they're working 100 hours a week. They will find the time to spend an hour with you and continue "falling asleep together."

 

I for some reason also get the sense he may hit the sauce a good bit and prefer that to your company. Sorry...it just reads like that. And I've been there too.

[amkxoxo]

Should I respond to the last message he sent about work being hell etc... ?

[Gaeta]

Should I respond to the last message he sent about work being hell etc... ?

 

Absolutely not.

 

His reply was not a conversation starter.

 

It's enough, don't chitchat.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

No, personally I wouldn't respond. I'd recommend scaling back your investment and interactions until he makes more effort. For all you know he could be freeing up his time to date others, leaving you hanging as a backup.

 

If you don't respond it will at least send the message that you have other things going on, so if he is really interested he is going to have to make a lot more effort to keep you interested, which is what you want, right?

 

I can see from your past threads that you tend to overlook some of the warning signs of the guys you date because you are so trusting and caught up in the romance. Unfortunately some of these guys have absolutely taken advantage of that.

 

This could be a great opportunity to practice setting higher standards and boundaries early on so you can rule out any guy who doesn't measure up to what you want in a boyfriend.

 

It's up to you.

[amkxoxo]

Ugh, I responded and started up conversation with him. I didn't mean to. I was weak and wanted to talk to him.

 

He was still at work at 9pm. But I don't plan on talking and talking more or starting up texting conversations with him. I need to stay strong and live my life, without him. He's busy and I am too. I'm trying to busy up my week. I've literally texted every single person I know, and no one is around this week. I'm talking to a few new guys, but too new for any dates yet. I'm open to going on them, but again, too early.

[Gaeta]

Ugh, I responded and started up conversation with him. I didn't mean to. I was weak and wanted to talk to him.

 

He was still at work at 9pm. But I don't plan on talking and talking more or starting up texting conversations with him. I need to stay strong and live my life, without him. He's busy and I am too. I'm trying to busy up my week. I've literally texted every single person I know, and no one is around this week. I'm talking to a few new guys, but too new for any dates yet. I'm open to going on them, but again, too early.

 

It's never too soon to meet someone over a coffee, be a bit spontaneous, go meet them.

[Ami1uwant]

Its very common early on in a relationship if one goes on vacation something happens in the relationship and there is a drift apart. PArt of the reason is its too early so you arent as invested and one likely isnt at that bf/gf point yet and still dating others.

[amkxoxo]

Oh I want to. Two men have expressed interest in meeting me later this week, but told me they have complicated work schedules and will let me know. One of them is actively talking to me and making an effort to talk.

 

On another note, what if my original guy keeps texting me and wanting to talk? How do I navigate that? I'm bad at just not talking to someone. I always just feel bad and feel like I need to respond. He seems to still want to talk to me. I want to talk to him, but I also want plans too. I don't want to further mess anything p, though looking back I don't think I did. He did. He didn't try hard enough to see me.

[amkxoxo]

Thats what I was afraid of. That me going away caused this. He talked to me every day I was away and seemed happy I was back, but at the same time I don't want to feel bad or guilty for going away with my family. And a little part of me does.

[Gaeta]

Oh I want to. Two men have expressed interest in meeting me later this week, but told me they have complicated work schedules and will let me know. One of them is actively talking to me and making an effort to talk.

 

On another note, what if my original guy keeps texting me and wanting to talk? How do I navigate that? I'm bad at just not talking to someone. I always just feel bad and feel like I need to respond. He seems to still want to talk to me. I want to talk to him, but I also want plans too. I don't want to further mess anything p, though looking back I don't think I did. He did. He didn't try hard enough to see me.

 

At this point you do not owe anything to anyone. You meet those 2 news guys and see. Give a chance to the one making clear effort to keep your attention.

 

When I met my ex we went on 3 dates then he went away for 3 weeks. We did not speak at all those weeks so I went on with my life and dated around. When he came back he contacted me, and we were together 4 years from there. If something is meant to stick it will, even when you don't wait around.

[Vyliss]

My thought is, this was the turning point:

 

He then starts with the “why aren’t you here with me then?”

 

I tell him that isn’t how I roll . He knows it. I told him many times, that I am not looking just for a cuddle buddy that you call when you are lonely. I am looking for more. He says that its unfortunate.

Up until that moment he seemed very keen, but once you got back, something changed in his opinion about you.

 

When a man resorts to bootycallish behaviors, it means he has changed his mind about having a long term relationship with you.

 

I suspect he doesn't feel that much of a "connection". From the sound of it, you guys have just been watching a lot of movies and falling asleep. Doesn't sound terribly exciting for first dates.

 

If your dates are already that boring, imagine having a relationship together?

 

For a man to pursue a woman, he needs to have a fantasy about what a relationship with her would look like. It needs to play like a beer commercial in his mind; super fun, exciting, lots of sex, lots of adventuring together etc.

 

Right now he's losing interest because the future with you just looks dull.

 

I suspect on a conversational level it's also not escalating. Are you talking about anything deep and meaningful? Anything personal at all? Or just superficial stuff all around? If you're not getting into personal stuff, it's very easy for a man to "switch modes". Going on 6 dates, meeting one friend (who probably won't even remember you), making out a lot is not much of an emotional investment. Plus, you haven't even slept together yet.

 

He's lost interest. A man wouldn't turn down any dates from a woman he was interested in (busyness has nothing to do with it).

 

If you want to salvage things, I suggest you call him and have a "heart to heart" with him; tell him you've been upset, concerned and why. Act super upset. This may seem "counter intuitive" to some people (I know some will think this is worst advice ever and you should just move on), but if you really like this guy, this may be your best shot at getting his attention back.

 

By acting upset, it can flip a switch in some guys that this girl "actually cares" and there's more to her than he thought. Right now I think you're acting "too cool for school" and that's working against you.

 

If you do nothing you'll lose him anyway so if the above doesn't work, then it's not like you've lost anything. You can then move on knowing you've done all you could.

[ExpatInItaly]

After reading the updates, I would agree that his interest level has dropped a lot.

 

And it's not because you went away. A guy who is interested would not suddenly do an about-face just because you went away for a few days with your family. If that were enough to make him lose interest, then I'm sorry to say he wasn't that into you to begin with!

 

But I don't think that's the case here. You being out of town for a little bit is not what did it. He could have been put off by your response to him after you returned but shut him down. He could be seeing someone else, too. Who knows?

 

The point is, he's not showing interest now. Continuing to chat when he's not giving any indication of wanting to see you is a waste of time. And honestly, if he's this busy, dating him would be a lot of work.

[Lorenza]

I think his interest dropped after you shut down his offer to "meet him in his room". He probably realized it takes too much work to get intimate with you, since it's already been 6 dates and nothing happened.

 

Not that I think you should have gone and slept with him, not at all. But it seems like he didn't want to risk investing more for something uncertain.

[act00]

I'm going back to the original text. He asked why you weren't there. You responded, because "someone didn't invite me." So he invited you, and you shot him down. What I see is you HINTED you would go over with an invitation, but then you did an about face because that's "not how [you] roll." What does that mean?? Invite me so I can tell you no?? Couldn't you have responded with an "I'm exhausted beyond all reason and I'm home for the night. How about breakfast," or "tomorrow night," or even, "Would you like to come here? I plan on unpacking and we can watch a movie."

 

This guy sounds great, but the crazy-busy schedule and then leaving for a couple months is going to be difficult, and your relationship is so new, but he took you out, expressed interest, and was quite the gentleman. He seems like a keeper for now. The question is if his busy life and job are something you can work with long-term. I think part of his job includes a lot of shmoozing and a social aspect, so he's going to go out and "party," and this is going to hurt with FB posts and whatnot, but he took you to one of these events, and he'll do it again, if you work this relationship. He's not going to bring a fly-by-night to these things...one would hope...so part of this is being patient while your relationship grows and you get incorporated more. Leaving for Florida is going to put a major ding in things, but if it's meant to be, it will.

 

I'm in the camp that you need to be a bit more proactive. Shutting him down like that with that vacation text probably didn't help. See if you can get a coffee, breakfast, lunch out of him, or even just "chill at home" after he gets home from one of these events or a late work night. I think you're smart to enjoy the time and allow things to just progress, but now you're getting all up in your head and doing a tit for tat. Just express you'd like to see him and be serious about planning a time and a day.

[amkxoxo]

My thought is, this was the turning point:

 

Up until that moment he seemed very keen, but once you got back, something changed in his opinion about you.

 

When a man resorts to bootycallish behaviors, it means he has changed his mind about having a long term relationship with you.

 

I suspect he doesn't feel that much of a "connection". From the sound of it, you guys have just been watching a lot of movies and falling asleep. Doesn't sound terribly exciting for first dates.

 

If your dates are already that boring, imagine having a relationship together?

 

For a man to pursue a woman, he needs to have a fantasy about what a relationship with her would look like. It needs to play like a beer commercial in his mind; super fun, exciting, lots of sex, lots of adventuring together etc.

 

Right now he's losing interest because the future with you just looks dull.

 

I suspect on a conversational level it's also not escalating. Are you talking about anything deep and meaningful? Anything personal at all? Or just superficial stuff all around? If you're not getting into personal stuff, it's very easy for a man to "switch modes". Going on 6 dates, meeting one friend (who probably won't even remember you), making out a lot is not much of an emotional investment. Plus, you haven't even slept together yet.

 

He's lost interest. A man wouldn't turn down any dates from a woman he was interested in (busyness has nothing to do with it).

 

If you want to salvage things, I suggest you call him and have a "heart to heart" with him; tell him you've been upset, concerned and why. Act super upset. This may seem "counter intuitive" to some people (I know some will think this is worst advice ever and you should just move on), but if you really like this guy, this may be your best shot at getting his attention back.

 

By acting upset, it can flip a switch in some guys that this girl "actually cares" and there's more to her than he thought. Right now I think you're acting "too cool for school" and that's working against you.

 

If you do nothing you'll lose him anyway so if the above doesn't work, then it's not like you've lost anything. You can then move on knowing you've done all you could.

 

I agree with a lot of this. I am trying to act too cool for school. Its my way of protecting myself. I also agree that we don't talk about anything deep. I think I am afraid to bring anything up, but he also hasn't totally broached the subject either. He doesn't ask questions, so I don't either.

 

We haven't talked about past relationships or involvement, which I think would be something we both would be curious to know. We don't just watch movies and fall asleep.

 

First date was drinks at a bar, second date was dinner and ice cream, third date was bowling, drinks, and then cuddling up for a movie. Fourth was just cuddling up. Fifth was that I made us dinner and then we cuddled up, and sixth was him taking me to the party, we cuddled up after and fell asleep, and then he took me to breakfast the next morning. So we go out and do things. I at times suggested we go to a winery or brewery and he was down with that, we just haven't gotten the chance, and his work schedule is not very conducive to the hours of those places. I also mentioned having a margarita night at my house, and travelling to a beach.

 

I don't want to be dull. I like to do things. I like to go out and have fun and have someone to explore life together. Like in a few weeks my aunt is having this giant bash at her house. Family reunion/party. Its a tradition and its massive. Its really fun. I was hoping to take him, but its during the day on a Saturday. there is no way he could go. He works every weekend.

 

I told him about the tragic death of my grandmother, which is very personal to me. He told me about his brothers' struggle with addiction. I was planning on sleeping with him soon. We were headed in that direction I thought. I wanted to. I also wanted a little more security and exclusivity before I had sex with him. I mean, I was all over him after the party. I left him a bunch of hickeys, and we got touchy feely. I think I showed interest. Even when we were texting days after, he mentioned how next time maybe we won't have our clothes on and I mentioned that maybe he will have to leave some marks on me too.

 

I really hope I didn't mess things up. I felt like his text friday night saying I should be in his room was a booty call. Some may disagree since we had been dating for a while, but I just got scared and thought it was that. He had all day Thursday, and all day Friday to text me and make a plan to see me, but he didn't until a last minute invite to his room at 9pm? It just didn't sit right with me. I wanted to see him. I really did. I think I made that clear by suggesting we see each other the next night.

 

I had a bad experience a few months ago with a guy I met online. We started dating and it was great. He was into me. We dated for about a month. We got really close. And all of the sudden for no reason at all, he ghosted me. It broke my heart. Everyone I knew thought I was going to have a boyfriend, but I got left in the dust with no explanation. It then made me think that maybe he was just using me for a cuddle buddy/booty call. He got what he wanted from me. So I'm weary now of becoming that again.

[amkxoxo]

I think his interest dropped after you shut down his offer to "meet him in his room". He probably realized it takes too much work to get intimate with you, since it's already been 6 dates and nothing happened.

 

Not that I think you should have gone and slept with him, not at all. But it seems like he didn't want to risk investing more for something uncertain.

 

I do want to be intimate with him. I really do. I was planning on it. I even stocked up on my birth control, because I thought we would be together. I just didn't want to jump into it before we were a little more exclusive. I didn't want to be a girl who he just slept with. I wanted more. I mean the last time I stayed over, we got very touchy feely and were rubbing each other to make each other feel good. I think I showed I was interested. I left so many marks on him that night. He left a few on me too. I miss sleeping next to him and kissing him. I want to build something solid inside and outside of the bedroom. That is my goal.

[amkxoxo]

I feel like I don't know what to do at this point. Wait?

 

I reached out and tried to make a more concrete date by asking if he wanted to meet up for ice cream or hangout and order in chinese. I was hoping this would show I want to see him. He says this week is no good, because he has things every night.

 

He is working a ton this week. But I don't know if that's it, or if he just doesn't want to see me anymore. A friend of mine says I should ask him, but I feel like a desperate clingy girl pestering him. He was at work last night until 9pm.

 

I don't know if I should ask him anything or just let him come to me, if he ever does. I just feel bad, because if I messed something up, I want to try and make it right, because I do like him.

[Cookiesandough]

You know, op, why not do what your friend and what the above poster said. Except not get upset, but just explain it's been awhile since you guys have met up and ask if he's still interested in seeing you at some point. He should then suggest a day of approximate day he'll be free and you can plan ahead. You'll probably get the runaround, but you might get more clarity. I think this is really only "clingy" if you do it too much or when a person isn't that into you. In which case, it wouldn't matter anyway !

[clia]

I feel like I don't know what to do at this point. Wait?

 

I reached out and tried to make a more concrete date by asking if he wanted to meet up for ice cream or hangout and order in chinese. I was hoping this would show I want to see him. He says this week is no good, because he has things every night.

 

He is working a ton this week. But I don't know if that's it, or if he just doesn't want to see me anymore. A friend of mine says I should ask him, but I feel like a desperate clingy girl pestering him. He was at work last night until 9pm.

 

I don't know if I should ask him anything or just let him come to me, if he ever does. I just feel bad, because if I messed something up, I want to try and make it right, because I do like him.

 

You asked him out and he declined without an alternative proposed date.

 

So yes, you wait. Do not pester him. He may truly be very busy with work and will come back around once that is done. Or maybe not. Only time will tell.

[Gaeta]

I feel like I don't know what to do at this point. Wait?.

No, you don't wait. You are not bf-gf, you go on with your life and if he calls back with a renewed interest good, if he doesn't call back than you have not wasted time and hope on him.

 

What I think is he got interested in someone else while you were gone. I do not believe for 1 minute he's too busy to call, text, have lunch with you, or spare an hour around 21h just to see you for a coffee.

 

He is working a ton this week. But I don't know if that's it, or if he just doesn't want to see me anymore. A friend of mine says I should ask him, but I feel like a desperate clingy girl pestering him. He was at work last night until 9pm.

 

Absolutely NOT! You do not need him to justify anything. Most men will say they still have an interest just to keep you around. You don't ask a man if he is still interested. If he acts like he's not interested then he-is-not!

 

I don't know if I should ask him anything or just let him come to me, if he ever does. I just feel bad, because if I messed something up, I want to try and make it right, because I do like him.

Again DO NOT ASK HIM ANYTHING. You did nothing wrong that deserves to be ghosted. He lost interest that is all. Happened to all of us while dating. You DID try to make it right and he turned it down, now it's enough on your part.

 

If you must delete his number so you won't text him again. I know you said your friends are busy this week so keep busy otherwise, go to a movie, go have your nails done, go shop, go hike, re-watch the entire series of Lethal Weapon!

Edited August 9, 2017 by Gaeta

[amkxoxo]

See like right now, he's texting me wanting to chat with me about his day and mine.

 

Not sure how to handle this. He's keeping in contact and keeping a connection, so maybe he is just tied up at work this week.

[Gaeta]

See like right now, he's texting me wanting to chat with me about his day and mine.

 

Not sure how to handle this. He's keeping in contact and keeping a connection, so maybe he is just tied up at work this week.

 

I did not tell you to ignore him. If he wants to touch base with you then by all mean reply and be pleasant. My advice was to not chase him, not ask him if he is still interested, not invite him out again.

[Cookiesandough]

He will most likely keep doing that ...keep talking to you..stringing. Better to ask Him and nail down your date with him and if not just say it's not gonna do that/if he can't plan a week in advance you have your answer...and you can say you don't think it's gonna work .

 

 

The thing about this is your already invested and banking on this guy, emotions don't just turn off, focusing on other guy won't do much good if you've got hopes set on this one.