I'm not sure what is happening with this guy ?

[SwordofFlame]

I am not planning on hooking up with him. I want more exclusivity before that, and the way things are going doesn't seem very promising.

 

At this point I was thinking about what he said. I'm wondering if this is the scenario that is actually happening. I'm just wondering if he literally has no time, or good time. His schedule lately has not constituted taking a girl to dinner or bowling, or anything for that matter, except the possible late night snuggle or sexx. And after making it clear that I wasn't down for just that, he realized what he was in a position to give, and it wasn't what I wanted or deserved. He's not stupid. He's had many girlfriends in the past. I question if he does still like me, but isn't pursuing it because he knows he can't be around.

 

Just taking what he said "my next week is shot unfortunately"

 

Why add that? it didn't have any relevance for this week or now. I'm wondering if he added it as a warning. For me to know, that if we go out this week, he will again be gone next week again.

 

I don't know, but I do wonder if that is why he pulled back. He can't date, he doesn't have the time or energy to put into it. So he pretty much stopped dating me all together.

 

Are you seriously considering working around his unavailability?

[amkxoxo]

No, I'm not. That's why I am so sad. I like him, and I think he likes me, but his schedule is not fair to me and I think I deserve more, and I think he knows it and he pulled away because of it.

[JuneL]

I used to have a casual friend like that (just a friend, not in the dating context): he expected others to work around his schedule. I thought it's very self-centered of him, so I demoted him as an acquaintance.

[Whodatdog]

If some guy I thought I could be interested in sent me that text, saying, in other words...hey, I have no time for you next week, I have way too many more important things to do, but I might be able to squeeze you in the following week...

 

The only thing he'd hear from me is crickets.

[hippychick3]

Please do not respond to him. You will only appear desperate.

 

He didn't ask you out on a date. He made a noncommittal statement about "hanging out." There was no question. You don't need to respond.

[Whodatdog]

I am not planning on hooking up with him. I want more exclusivity before that, and the way things are going doesn't seem very promising.

 

At this point I was thinking about what he said. I'm wondering if this is the scenario that is actually happening. I'm just wondering if he literally has no time, or good time. His schedule lately has not constituted taking a girl to dinner or bowling, or anything for that matter, except the possible late night snuggle or sexx. And after making it clear that I wasn't down for just that, he realized what he was in a position to give, and it wasn't what I wanted or deserved. He's not stupid. He's had many girlfriends in the past. I question if he does still like me, but isn't pursuing it because he knows he can't be around.

 

Just taking what he said "my next week is shot unfortunately"

 

Why add that? it didn't have any relevance for this week or now. I'm wondering if he added it as a warning. For me to know, that if we go out this week, he will again be gone next week again.

 

I don't know, but I do wonder if that is why he pulled back. He can't date, he doesn't have the time or energy to put into it. So he pretty much stopped dating me all together.

 

You dont know that. All you know is what he's told you. For all you know he's seeing someone after work, or even before work (you said he didnt go to work some days until 10 am). Youve had little texting between you two.

 

He's not interested in you. He's not interested in putting any effort in seeing you. You need to be worth more than that.

[Zahara]

At this point I was thinking about what he said. I'm wondering if this is the scenario that is actually happening. I'm just wondering if he literally has no time, or good time. His schedule lately has not constituted taking a girl to dinner or bowling, or anything for that matter, except the possible late night snuggle or sexx. And after making it clear that I wasn't down for just that, he realized what he was in a position to give, and it wasn't what I wanted or deserved. He's not stupid. He's had many girlfriends in the past. I question if he does still like me, but isn't pursuing it because he knows he can't be around.

 

You know nothing about his schedule. You're not there to monitor his every move except to take his word for it. He could be dating more than just one woman hence having very little time to invest in those that he may be less interested in.

 

His text does not require a response. When a guy is truly interested in you, he'll make the time. Forget about this one and try to move on.

 

Just taking what he said "my next week is shot unfortunately" Why add that? it didn't have any relevance for this week or now. I'm wondering if he added it as a warning. For me to know, that if we go out this week, he will again be gone next week again.

 

He said that to manage your expectations. This way you know what the deal is and he doesn't get to feel guilty when you're upset that he has no time for you.

[Cookiesandough]

Op denial is an impregnable fortress. Been there

[whatnot]

I think he likes you. He may not like you enough to let you interfere with work/sports etc.....but that doesn't' mean he doesn't like you.

 

It also doesn't mean he's not a good guy. He sounds like a good guy to me. but you're the only one here who's in the situation. And I think you have a better handle on it than anyone here.

 

 

I agree with the other posters that if you cannot work around his schedule...if you need more than that...then it would never be healthy for you to continue.

 

That's known as "incompatible" as opposed to "he's not a good guy" (as other's have suggested).

 

Maybe they just mean...."He wouldn't be a good guy for me"

 

Dating is difficult. But this is the reason for it.

Edited August 15, 2017 by whatnot

[LovelyRose]

I have read pretty much every single posts on this thread (yeah, I am an insomniac and need something to occupy my mind late at night, lol) and seems like the guy in question is being judged unfairly. I will explain.

 

One of the poster mentioned that OP had similar thread like this and that she feels that OP may be addicted to this kind of feelings.

 

My personal opinion is that you have a lot of issues within yourself that you seriously need to address and resolve before you try and be in a serious relationship.

 

You have mentioned that you werent even attracted to this guy to begin with. From your description, he is not all that good looking. But someway somehow he did something that made you feel good that you have convinced yourself you like him too much that you are now hanging on for dear life no matter how bad it is.

 

The guy laid out all his cards from the get go. He did not hide anything from you. He didnt promise you anything but only gave you a great time when you were together. He paid for some if not most of your dates. That shows to me that he likes you. Because from my observation and experience, a desperate guy wouldn't hang that long. Let alone take you out in public. But again, understand that he likes you only as a FWB and nothing more. He wants a connection from you that definitely includes physical but NOT serious relationship.

 

He told you he wants FWB type of situation loud and clear in a decent way he could approach it but you chose to not believe that. Not the smartest way I could say because he gave you the run around. But I clearly get what he was trying to show you even .just based on your posts.

 

He is not your boyfriend and not even exclusively dating. He has no obligation to call you, text you or see you. He is constantly reminding you of this indirectly but too blind to see. Again, should have been just direct but that's him.

 

You have admitted that you hate rejection if its your fault. But I feel like there's bigger issue to that. You have very low self esteem so any rejection may it be your fault or others, it will hit you a hundred times more.

 

If that's the case, then I hope this helps you. My dear, you ARE NOT being rejected. Of course he likes you. But NOT the way you want him to like you. You two want different things. So there is no right or wrong. It is what it is and nothing wrong with that. Just unfortunate, sadly.

 

He was texting you every single day during his "mayhem" week because he likes you enough to be his text buddy. He may really be so exhausted and he used you to decompress. But because he knows you are not FWB type of gal, he is respectful enough not to invite you in his room ever again.

 

Only negative thing I could say is he should have been clear enough with you when you kept saying you want more than just cuddle buddy instead of him hoping you would GET IT that he wants nothing like that.

 

I have no doubt he will continue to text you with no specific pattern for as long as you respond to him. He doesn't sound like a bad guy to me. If he may be sleeping with multiple women that's his business not anybody else. He is a busy guy but still a guy with needs. That's something you can't handle. So again, this is NOT a rejection but simply two people with different mindset.

 

Nothing wrong if you continue to chat with him but if you can't handle being just friends and only get so little of him, then do yourself a big favor, please believe you weren't rejected and time to move on. Even if you came running to his room the night you came back, I strongly believe nothing would change. He is not the one for you.

 

Why dont you try and have a makeover, get a massage, go to a spa. Have some girls night out or anything and get all dolled up. Give yourself a break and focus on YOU. If you really dont like the other guys you are talking to, don't force yourself and do them a favor and drop them.

 

Sorry its lengthy..good luck!

[amkxoxo]

I think deep down I knew that we might not be in the same place, with his lifestyle and such. I think it was just nice to feel important for a while and to be treated like someone's girlfriend, that I pushed those intuitive feelings aside. But more and more I started feeling like I did when I was with my ex, and that was unhealthy for me.

 

I think it kills me to accept rejection in the form of it not being the right time, or not being in the same place in life, and I take it so hard, because I take it as a direct reflection of myself. That I wasn't good enough or pretty enough, or smart enough, or sexy enough, or kind enough or confident enough, for someone to want to stay with me. For someone to want to accommodate their life around me, and prioritize me. I think I am worth doing that for, because I am open and willing to do that for someone. I have a big caring heart to give someone. So I beat myself up and try to rationalize and make excuses for their behavior, because I can accept the rejection of myself. I feel like I am being left behind.

 

I don't know where this stems from, but I felt it with my ex too. I felt like he was leaving me behind for bigger and better things, without me. Enjoying life without me, laying in bed without me, cuddling up without me, etc, etc....

 

I don't think this guy is a bad guy. I think he has a bad lifestyle.

 

I am talking to a new guy. I'm terrified every time we talk, because I am scared my judgement is off, and maybe he will leave just like they all do. He's sweet. And nice, and kind so far. I'm scared that one day it will just all fade.

 

He wants to know all about my job, my day, my family, my life, my favorite music, foods, movies, hobbies. The other day I told him I was having a bad day and he said "Well not anymore, because I am here to talk to you."

 

How nice is that? I really wasn't expecting it. And he started watching a tv show that I said I enjoyed, trying to catch up to where I am, so we can enjoy together. Again, how nice is that? He can't wait to meet me and we have a date in a few days. He made it a point to meet me before he went away on vacation, saying how he wants to be able to text me all about his trip and send pictures while he is there, so he wants to meet in person prior. He seems like such a good guy. I just feel so bad, because I am so terrified of him being just like the others. I feel so jaded and bitter and this new guy doesn't deserve that. I want to trust him, but I can't. I don't want to assume the worst.

[guest569]

Hi amk,

I can relate to a lot of this process you are going through with regard to the rejection.

 

In your initial post, when you said that you turned him down after your holiday, you mislead us. You turned down what was clearly a booty call! And rightly so! You did nothing wrong from what I have read in this entire thread, aside from beat yourself up over it. You stood up for yourself, were clear about your intentions and wants in a relationship and stood your ground. Whilst the first date was fantastic and you had a connection, it does appear to have faded into a snuggle buddy. That really sucks and is disappointing but you will be fine and do better. You are such a lovely and kind hearted person with a lot to give, to someone more deserving.

 

Not only was this man going to go away for work, he seems more interested in hanging out and drinking a lot with "the boys". He wasn't showing you enough attention or affection or making enough effort. It is totally reasonable for you to expect more from a relationship. But he was not giving you that.

 

I don't think you will have any problem trusting again. With caution. You certainly gave this guy way too much trust. You still defend him and his behaviour and say he is a good guy..He sounds a bit off to me. New guy actually wants to get to know you. I say go for it, but relax and don't rush things. And I agree that you should work on your self esteem. How? I have no idea as I struggle with this. When anyone said "you shouldn't have said/done that" you zone in on it and beat yourself up about it. But you gloss over all the posts where people said you did the right thing (you 100% were right to turn down his booty call and avoid sleeping with him) and that the guy is a douche and not worth your time. Definitely not worth becoming bitter and jaded over!

[Gaeta]

I think deep down I knew that we might not be in the same place, with his lifestyle and such.

The very first time he explained his job and how busy he gets and how he leaves to another State for winter, right then you should have said : Thank you - but no thanks, and wish him the best.

 

If you don't look out for yourself who will? SURE he can be a nice guy and you felt chemistry BUT it was still NOT the relationship you deserved! Early selection is very important so when someone presents you an image that does not resonate with what you want for yourself you don't keep on dating them, you don't go on 6 dates, you terminate it. You will not run out of men to date, there are plenty of men out there you will feel thrilled about.

 

I think it kills me to accept rejection in the form of it not being the right time, or not being in the same place in life, and I take it so hard, because I take it as a direct reflection of myself. That I wasn't good enough or pretty enough, or smart enough, or sexy enough, or kind enough or confident enough, for someone to want to stay with me.

There is no such a thing as 'wrong time' or 'not in same place in life'. Where there is a will there is a way. My bf is 50 years old and back in school, him and I are not in the same place in life, he's gone 16 hours a day, but he has 'the will' to be in a relationship with me so he makes it happen.

 

Again, that has nothing to do with you, you could be the prettiest, sexiest, smartest of all women and he STILL would have dropped you, why? because his heart was not in it from the beginning. When someone's feelings don't develop, or when they die along the way, it has nothing to do with not-being-enough. It's 100% on them and their inner-self. And who is he that you allow him to put a value on you? He's a no-body. He's a man you had 6 dates with. He's a stranger!

 

For someone to want to accommodate their life around me, and prioritize me. I think I am worth doing that for, because I am open and willing to do that for someone. I have a big caring heart to give someone. So I beat myself up and try to rationalize and make excuses for their behavior, because I can accept the rejection of myself. I feel like I am being left behind.

Yes you are worth all of that. That is why you will drop every little prick coming into your life and not delivering the merchandise. Including this one here.

 

I don't think this guy is a bad guy. I think he has a bad lifestyle.

I think he's a young idiot that's misleading you. He knows you are pining over him and instead of telling you the truth about not feeling it he's just leaving you on the back burner.

 

I am talking to a new guy. I'm terrified every time we talk, because I am scared my judgement is off, and maybe he will leave just like they all do. He's sweet. And nice, and kind so far. I'm scared that one day it will just all fade.

 

He wants to know all about my job, my day, my family, my life, my favorite music, foods, movies, hobbies. The other day I told him I was having a bad day and he said "Well not anymore, because I am here to talk to you."

Go meet him and tell us all about it. You should not trust him, You are not suppose to trust a stranger after 1 date or 6 dates. You give your trust to someone once you are exclusive. Everything before just keep your heart guarded and don't invest yourself. Edited August 16, 2017 by Gaeta

[knabe]

I think he likes you. He may not like you enough to let you interfere with work/sports etc.....but that doesn't' mean he doesn't like you.

 

It also doesn't mean he's not a good guy. He sounds like a good guy to me. but you're the only one here who's in the situation. And I think you have a better handle on it than anyone here.

 

 

I agree with the other posters that if you cannot work around his schedule...if you need more than that...then it would never be healthy for you to continue.

 

That's known as "incompatible" as opposed to "he's not a good guy" (as other's have suggested).

 

Maybe they just mean...."He wouldn't be a good guy for me"

 

Dating is difficult. But this is the reason for it.

 

I understand the bro code and everything but...nah, he's not a good guy. He's lazy in relationships and self-centered. She needs to next this one.

[JuneL]

I also don't buy this not "right time and right place" crap. It's okay this guy is not that into you. Why is it so hard for you to accept that? Perhaps you want to look at No Go's thread. She and the guy have also been on 6 dates, but there you see a guy genuinely interested in her.

[Art_Critic]

No, I'm not. That's why I am so sad. I like him, and I think he likes me, but his schedule is not fair to me and I think I deserve more, and I think he knows it and he pulled away because of it.

 

From a guys perspective it isn't his schedule... he has back burnered you while he is seeing or making the moves on someone else..

 

In my 20's my schedule was INSANE.. I worked 15-20 hours a day, sometimes more and I always had time for women/dating/sex...

 

He isn't showing he has interest in you that warrants your time.

[whatnot]

I understand the bro code and everything but...nah, he's not a good guy. He's lazy in relationships and self-centered. She needs to next this one.

delete..... I as wondering what a "bro code" is. But I googled it and found it. thanks Edited August 16, 2017 by whatnot

[olivetree]

I am talking to a new guy. I'm terrified every time we talk, because I am scared my judgement is off, and maybe he will leave just like they all do. He's sweet. And nice, and kind so far. I'm scared that one day it will just all fade.

 

He wants to know all about my job, my day, my family, my life, my favorite music, foods, movies, hobbies. The other day I told him I was having a bad day and he said "Well not anymore, because I am here to talk to you."

 

How nice is that? I really wasn't expecting it. And he started watching a tv show that I said I enjoyed, trying to catch up to where I am, so we can enjoy together. Again, how nice is that? He can't wait to meet me and we have a date in a few days. He made it a point to meet me before he went away on vacation, saying how he wants to be able to text me all about his trip and send pictures while he is there, so he wants to meet in person prior. He seems like such a good guy. I just feel so bad, because I am so terrified of him being just like the others. I feel so jaded and bitter and this new guy doesn't deserve that. I want to trust him, but I can't. I don't want to assume the worst.

 

I am glad you're talking to a new guy that makes you feel good.

But slow down... I don't want you to get your hopes up if this doesn't work out again and his promises are all water.

 

I wouldn't take his future talk too seriously when you haven't even met.

In fact, that would be a huge turn off to me and would not feel genuine.

Remember that nothing is really real until you have met.

 

I think since you seem quite vulnerable, going slow and not getting caught up in sweet talk is the best way.

Maybe even a more friends-first approach until you build that trust.