Ex acts like nothing ever happened ***Updated***

[stockyoldfrump]

So here's a little update. Don't be too disappointed in me....I called him.

I had him blocked so idk if he even reached out to me.

 

But I ended up calling him and he picked up " hey babe" ( ? Like nothing ever happened ) i asked him the same questions the day before because he was being an ******* he came home five in the morning drunk and probably on drugs when I started hounding him with questions literally till like 11 in the morning .

 

 

I gave it a day of him being blocked and called him...I told him I could understand if he was still attached to his ex gf that I've been there. If that was the case I could really understand and wouldnt be upset..he said he's not attached to her, I asked him than why did he feel the need to text her, he said he seen her in the car and just sent the text asking her to come over that it was long overdue. He said he shouldn't have texted her. Apparently she eventually replied back but he didn't tell me what she said ...he just said that they weren't hanging out. Yeah right either she rejected him or he's lying....he's lied so much why would I believe anything at this point, and I said exactly that . And he started getting upset yelled at me and said I keep answering your questions and ur never happy with it wtf do u want from me, and hung up on me. He's not very apologetic.

 

I think you have to take a step back from all this and ask yourself what it is you're looking for. I know that's insanely difficult because your head is swimming with thoughts and objectives that are not always compatible.

 

But do you want him back? Do you want him gone? Or do you want him to repent?

 

Because the course of action for each of these is different, as is the probability of a satisfying outcome.

 

I would say, personally, that if he has "lied so much you don't believe anything he says," then communicating with him at all is ultimately pointless. What satisfaction can this possibly give you? You won't believe anything he says anyway, so no progress can be made in reconciliation and his unwillingness to admit to what you want him to admit to makes it impossible for you to feel a sense of righteousness or closure. He's not giving you the closure you desire, so contact for that reason is pointless.

 

At the same time, you are unwilling to close off lines of communication to him but have no desire to actually communicate. Blocking him and then calling him, only to yell at him and demand he admit things he won't admit is unlikely to help you approach anything close to reconciliation. Your behavior is erratic, so it's just pushing him further away, making him feel more closed off, and probably pushing him toward any other woman he might be attracted to. That's not to say that your feelings aren't valid or justified, just that sometimes your objectives have to dictate your actions, not your emotions. If you have ANY hope of working this out, you must confront him more calmly and rationally and you must make sure that your conversations are civil and giving, even if that's not necessarily what he deserves.

 

Likely, the healthiest thing for you is just not deal with him at all. Block him and keep him blocked. You have no semblance of trust in him at all and the two of you have lost all ability to effectively communicate. Barring some really serious work in which both of you are invested in calmly and selflessly seeking a way forward, this is broken. To keep after him so aggressively is NOT helping you. He sees it as a justification of his treatment of you and you are just growing more frustrated, hurt, confused, and sad by the day.

 

Figure out what you want and stick to a gameplan based on that.

[preraph]

To me the worst thing was that someone you loved who at least pretended to love you what do something that they knew would hurt you. At that point you realize you can't even tell when someone really loves you or not and then you feel you can no longer trust anyone ever again because you couldn't tell they didn't really care enough to not want to hurt you so how could you tell in the future? You can't.

[Vanity1]

I think you have to take a step back from all this and ask yourself what it is you're looking for. I know that's insanely difficult because your head is swimming with thoughts and objectives that are not always compatible.

 

But do you want him back? Do you want him gone? Or do you want him to repent?

 

Because the course of action for each of these is different, as is the probability of a satisfying outcome.

 

I would say, personally, that if he has "lied so much you don't believe anything he says," then communicating with him at all is ultimately pointless. What satisfaction can this possibly give you? You won't believe anything he says anyway, so no progress can be made in reconciliation and his unwillingness to admit to what you want him to admit to makes it impossible for you to feel a sense of righteousness or closure. He's not giving you the closure you desire, so contact for that reason is pointless.

 

At the same time, you are unwilling to close off lines of communication to him but have no desire to actually communicate. Blocking him and then calling him, only to yell at him and demand he admit things he won't admit is unlikely to help you approach anything close to reconciliation. Your behavior is erratic, so it's just pushing him further away, making him feel more closed off, and probably pushing him toward any other woman he might be attracted to. That's not to say that your feelings aren't valid or justified, just that sometimes your objectives have to dictate your actions, not your emotions. If you have ANY hope of working this out, you must confront him more calmly and rationally and you must make sure that your conversations are civil and giving, even if that's not necessarily what he deserves.

 

Likely, the healthiest thing for you is just not deal with him at all. Block him and keep him blocked. You have no semblance of trust in him at all and the two of you have lost all ability to effectively communicate. Barring some really serious work in which both of you are invested in calmly and selflessly seeking a way forward, this is broken. To keep after him so aggressively is NOT helping you. He sees it as a justification of his treatment of you and you are just growing more frustrated, hurt, confused, and sad by the day.

 

Figure out what you want and stick to a gameplan based on that.

 

You're so right. I am acting erratic, I don't know what exactly I want ....I want him to genuinely be apologetic like he had in the past. He just wants me to move on and talk to him normally. He's calling me all kinds of names from a loser, being in highschool still ect. He's the one texting me good morning like everything is fine.

 

I'm just gonna stop texting him. Everytime I say he played me for all these months he doesn't even deny it, just gets mad that I wont drop it. He knows I'm suppose to be going on a date and he seems pretty annoyed by that, god forbid anyone moves on from him.

[dumbass2]

That's what happens sometimes with ex's. They don't want you to find someone else before they do. You really need to stop talking with him. He doesn't want a long term relationship with you and you shouldn't want one with him after seeing how he truly is. You think you know someone until they break up with you. You're now seeing him for what he is.

[Teany3]

The discovery. Finding all the pictures, texts, emails, etc...

 

The uninvited cloak of insecurity that settles in and takes it shoes off so you are left to reexamine everything and I mean EVERYTHING about your supposed relationship.

 

Those "pings" when you piece timelines/moments together and another piece to those "hmmm...that was weird" moments connects.

[Steve51]

I was cheated on twice but never felt like you describe. The fact that you feel that way indicates an insecure person and women want strong secure men. I always felt it was their loss because I knew what I brought to the table and am self confident. Both women went on to have horrible lives. My ex fiancee married for 20 years and cheated on her husband with a woman she is now married too. She has mental illness, was a drug addict and has a foreign looking son from some guy she did not even know his name or where to find him

 

The other got hooked on crack and became a prostitute. When she cleaned up she became a stripper. She ended up marrying an old man who was her steady lapdance customer. I know this because both women contacted me 40 years after they cheated on me. I turned out to be successful with an income that allowed us to not worry about money. As I said, I knew it was their loss not mine.

 

Men and women will always be attracted to others. It is genetic as is sex with someone new being more exciting than with your spouse. After my two only relationships ended in cheating, and seeing that half of marriages which follow the structure set up by society and the church, fail. We opted for a nonmonogamous marriage. We strove to be fidelitous but an occasional one night stand with another was not a deal breaker. The total outside sex partners my wife and I had over our 45 years of marriage, is less than 10 and most of them we played with as a couple. Neither of us ever got jealous and we always put our marriage and each other above all else. Our marriage was not built on monogamy but rather knowing that we would be together for life.

Edited July 29, 2017 by Steve51

[Vanity1]

Backstory ...I broke up with my ex because I found a text msg of him asking his ex girlfriend he was with for three years to hang out . When just a two weeks before that he lied about texting another ex of his. When that happened the first time I forgave him because he promised to block and delete all his exes....that he wanted to give us another shot, and that he wanted a trusting relationship .

 

 

After I found out the second time that he had again texted another ex while he said he never talks to, I broke up with him....but I didn't just leave him I was erratic, I was angry, I was saying irrational things, said things about seeing other guys just to hurt him. I put up with a lot he lied to me in the beginning of the relationship about using cocaine all his friends did it should've known, he's an alcoholic so he gets really abusive physically and verbally, mostly verbal. And I always forgave him. So I was acting very erratic calling him and texting him....just because I wanted him to be genuinely apologtic, it was more like " im sorry, shut up about it". He ended up saying that he didn't want to work on the relationship because it's always something with me as though I have no right to be angry like he is not to blame.

 

 

Anyway I gave up, saw him for his true colours and was happy to tell him him goodbye I even apologized for being dramatic .

 

 

This morning he texts me " hey are u feeling better today crazy"

And that he will talk to me after work.

 

I told him I needed him to talk to when everything was going down and he said no you were only trying to argue. I ignored and and texted me later asking if I wanted to come over ( as he did with his other ex) I told him no but he was welcomed at my house ( he treats me bad at his house, at my house he's so sweet...it's like day and night )

 

He was kind of annoyed but he's lonely. All week he had been telling me to leave him alone.

 

I ended the convo saying I needed to sleep. I kept it happy and cheery like I wasn't hurt like I was over everything and him. Last thing that was said was " I love you :(" by him.

[SammySammy]

I usually make clean breaks, so this hasn't really been a problem for me.

 

In the two cases it did happen, it was for selfish reasons. One thinks she would be better off with me than the guy she's with. The other tried to do it for vindictive reasons. She wanted to "get me back" by trying to make me jealous by throwing other guys in my face. Doing things she knew I didn't approve of. Silly, petty stuff.

 

Neither was because they wanted what was best for me.

 

Which meant I needed to do what was best for me. Something I've become quite good at.

[Seth0194]

Ex and I broke up 6 weeks ago and we have had limited contact, we had dinner two weeks ago. She gave me the speech, she is focusing on her career and is going to be selfish, she has always been driven by her career. So that is it. I don't text her but about every 3-4 days she will text something. "Hope you have a great day." Hope Cinderella is doing well." (nickname I gave my daughter) She even wanted to have lunch Sunday, which I was going to go, more to be friendly, but she cancelled.

 

I think a lot of them want that crutch, they may not want to be with us, but they want that something to lean on. Atleast that is the way it feels with her.

 

My advise if you are having a tough time dealing do not answer his texts, ignore it.

[fieldoflavender]

They just don't want you to move on pretty much. My ex 1 week after break-up told me to keep wearing this gift that he gave me. Why? So that I won't forget him, won't be able to move on. He doesn't want to be with me anymore, but doesn't want anyone else to be with me. Pretty selfish if you ask me.

 

I sold the gift today.

[SammySammy]

They just don't want you to move on pretty much. My ex 1 week after break-up told me to keep wearing this gift that he gave me. Why? So that I won't forget him, won't be able to move on. He doesn't want to be with me anymore, but doesn't want anyone else to be with me. Pretty selfish if you ask me.

 

I sold the gift today.

 

Exactly. They're selfish.

 

They are like that turd that won't flush. Yeah, you were a part of me at on point but it's time to go. Don't come back. Hanging around, trying to stay in my life. Stinking up my house. You're flushed. Go. And stay gone.

 

[stockyoldfrump]

I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and say, on some level, they actually want to remain friends and remain part of our lives. It's selfish to demand/expect this knowing how it hurts the other party, but I still believe this is fundamentally what's happening.

 

As dumpees, the thing that keeps us from being friends with an ex is the pain between what we have and what we want. Being with someone you love and being denied that love is so, so painful. But if that love is gone for you, friendship might seem like a very practical, very reasonable concern. You don't want to be with the person, but fundamentally like them, so why wouldn't you want to be in their life in a less intense way?

 

I think of this way: My mom never really wanted me to grow up and move of her house. She's intellectually glad I did and wants me to be happy, but on a visceral level, she still wishes I were living at home and spending each day with her. I was the most important part of her life, so having that bond with me is what made her happiest. I, on the other hand, was ready to move out when I did and, though I love my mom, I don't really desire to be living with her and see her every day at this point in my life. As a result, when I visit and leave my mom is often very upset and will tear up as we say goodbye. I will miss her too, but not in the same way. The relationship we have today is precious to both of us, but it's hard for my mom in a way it's not for me.

 

That's a friendship between exes, only multiplied by a thousand with the ingredient of rejection thrown in. They want it because, for them, it's easy. It's only a conflict for those who still have feelings.

[Vanity1]

Ugh he acts like nothing ever happened. He just w to me around because I'm the only " normal " person in his life. I over heard him tell his friend " I got her, she's normal". And he says I was like a miracle when we met, he was in a dark place. But treat me like crap. Ok.

[fieldoflavender]

Yeah but for you - you probably wants good things for your mother. And if she got over that feeling, you would be happy, not jealous/resentful.

 

Whereas for these selfish ex's - it's about possession and not letting you move on. That's different. They want you to remember them forever even if they don't want to be with you. If they truly cared and just don't want to be with you - they should try to get out of your life so you can truly be happy by yourself or with someone else without need of their presence in your life.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I suspect he's still reaching out to you because on some level he knows you'll come back around. Your relationship has a track record of him being untrustworthy and even abusive yet you remained with him over and over again. Why wouldn't he continue talking with you and remaining in your life. You've proven to him that you always forgive him and take him back.

 

Bottom line is who cares why HE wants to remain in your life, the question is DO YOU want him to remain?

 

If not, then ignore, delete, block, do whatever you need to do to gain distance from your ex. Otherwise you have only yourself to blame here.

[Greenhawk84]

Well sometimes a guy wants to stay orbiting his ex(es) because they become a plan B. If you want a relationship with him and he wont give it to you then you will have to break away from him.

 

 

My personal experience is that none of my major exes ever wanted me in their life and I found it hard to be in theirs. I am usually cast out into the darkness and never reached for again.

[Vanity1]

I've been cheated on, lied to, disrespect, pysically / verbally abusive.

And there's only one time he's been genuinely remorseful and sorry for his actions , only to do the same things again.

 

This breakup he can't seem to comprehend why I won't go to his house to keep him company he's off work due to getting hurt. And I've explained why over and over again that he treats me bad at his house, he drinks and gets verbally abusive, and there has been times when he's pushed me on the ground trying to walk away from his yelling, to him disappearing with hardly no contact just to tell me where he is to him just showing up at my house to pick me up just to verbally abuse and slam me against the wall. Due to drugs and alcohol.

 

I Kno he is capable being remorseful and sorry and understanding. But this time around he just wants what he wants and wants me over !!!!!! He has a get over it, you're a child attitude. Im suppose to get over it and be his doormat I hate it. It hurts me someone can be like this.

[springy]

From what you've just stated I would guess it's because he's an awful person?

 

Why do you continue to communicate with someone who has treated you so horribly?

[Zahara]

He's lied, cheated, disrespected, physically and verbally abused you.

 

Why are you still communicating with him?

 

Instead of focusing on his behavior, you should focus on your dysfunctional behaviors and why you believe you deserve and accept poor treatment.

 

And no, he's not remorseful or sorry. Abusers have no capacity to feel empathy. They are only sorry when they need to get you where they want you to be.

Edited August 3, 2017 by Zahara

[Vanity1]

From what you've just stated I would guess it's because he's an awful person?

 

Why do you continue to communicate with someone who has treated you so horribly?

 

Insecurity ? He made me fall for him.

 

I feel worried for his well being I've seen someone stab hIm. He hangs out with bad people. And I've overheard him tell his friend that at least he has me that I'm normal. Yet he rips on me and does stuff behind my back. And even when I choose to be ok with him drama free, just distant and not coming to his every demand he seems not to understand why. Just that I'm a child .

[SammySammy]

Is it important? Really?

 

He's a sociopath, so it's not going to be important to him. Don't expect it.

 

Is it important to you though? That's the question. If it is important to you, then you wouldn't allow this to happen.

 

If you continue to allow it to happen, then ... it's obviously not important to either of you.

[Zahara]

 

I feel worried for his well being I've seen someone stab hIm. He hangs out with bad people. And I've overheard him tell his friend that at least he has me that I'm normal. Yet he rips on me and does stuff behind my back. And even when I choose to be ok with him drama free, just distant and not coming to his every demand he seems not to understand why. Just that I'm a child .

 

Well, he doesn't give two craps about you so stop being concerned over him. You need to be concerned for your own well being because you are going down a very bad path.

 

A woman that feels that she needs to support someone that beats her up is in a very warped mindset. You should stay away from him and seek counselling. You need to work on why this seems acceptable to you.

[Vanity1]

Is it important? Really?

 

He's a sociopath, so it's not going to be important to him. Don't expect it.

 

Is it important to you though? That's the question. If it is important to you, then you wouldn't allow this to happen.

 

If you continue to allow it to happen, then ... it's obviously not important to either of you.

 

I want to understand this behaviour . It's so frustrating.

[Zahara]

I want to understand this behaviour . It's so frustrating.

 

Focus on your own behavior.

 

You will never understand his nor will he ever change.

[d0nnivain]

His behavior is that is narcissistic & immature. There, now you understand him. Stop talking to him or caring about this. He's still a problem because you continue to let him be one.