Ex acts like nothing ever happened ***Updated***

[d0nnivain]

I couldn't.

 

 

In fact when I got blindsided & dumped (I thought he was coming over to propose) I couldn't do it. I chased & begged & pleaded. We got back together. It was a shell of what it had been & we last 2 more weeks but still the idea of never again speaking to someone I'd grown accustomed to talking to daily was incomprehensible.

 

 

Instead we made a ridiculous deal. I was allowed to call him up to 4x during the 1st week & we'd talk for 5 minutes about nothing. No discussion of the relationship / break up / getting back together was allowed. If I brought those subjects up, the rest of the deal was void. We talked about the weather, sports & current events. Then he could hang up. The next week it was 3x, then 2x, then 2x but only 3 minutes. We had this whole big schedule. By week 3 I was able to just stop because not talking was better then talking about nothing & hearing the exasperation in his voice. He was a good sport for letting me wean myself off but I doubt that approach would work for most people.

[isolatedgothic]

I went No Contact because he just refused to listen to me. When I would tell him that what he said hurt me to the core, he refused to stop saying what he was saying. When I would catch him in yet another lie, he would argue with me as to how I was wrong. When I begged him to take the relationship towards the next step, he would loudly proclaim that he would never marry me because of A, B, C...and then when those were corrected, it was then D, E, and F. Towards the end, when I begged him to go to counseling with me, he said if I'd make him more sandwiches and obey him more, our relationship wouldn't be in the state it was in.

 

I went No Contact for me. I did it because there was no repairing the damage. Has it been hard? Oh h*** yes!!!! It's caused pain! However, a person comes to the point of realizing that it is more pain to stay, more pain to hear the words, and more pain to watch him dance off with the next girl.

 

No contact is allowing me to detach and heal. Staying in contact with him, as he begged me to do, only hurts me.

[Trust666]

When it's tough for me to go no contact, aka when I am in love and get blindsided I do no contact by burning all bridges. If they contact me I rant and tell them never to speak to me again. If they say things like "we can be friends" or "we will reconnect later on", I inform them we will not do either.

 

It may seem childish and immature but who cares what our exes think of us, they are exes and if they could dump you they can live with your burning bridges. If someone betrays my trust they also get angry me every time there is contact....it's about protecting yourself any way possible without hurting other people.

 

If I am not in love with someone no contact is simple.

[Blanco]

The first couple of weeks, but after I broke it once and felt like a fool, I was flawless at maintaining direct no contact. The occasional peeking at social media was a lot harder.

 

The way I looked at it was that one of the reasons we didn't work out was that I often felt like she marginalized me when it came to conflict resolution. So why, when she's not with me and dating someone else, would I expect that to be better? If anything, it would be worse, because she's got no incentive to even pretend to humor my side of things.

[Trust666]

The social media thing I handle like this.

 

If the person is willing to work with me I immediately ASK THEM to block me on all social media. I also tell them to delete me from their phone and I delete their contact info too.

 

I fry all digital pics of us, everything ....up in flames.

[Beachead]

It's so hard .

 

Idk how some people have the strength.

 

It is hard. I will never be okay with getting to a point where I chose someone to be with me for the rest of my life only for them to make me regret that decision so badly. To make a mockery and a fool out of me. In my case, she went back to her ex. All the sweet words and good times killed because of it and a slice of time that largely feels like a waste because it was given to someone who stole love I could have given to someone else. And yet, I'm left there wanting to be with her she hurt me so badly. The only thing I can do is accept it and carry on day by day and hope one day I'll wake up and will be fine.

 

Even if you try to stay in touch after a break up, it'll eventually lead to no contact. They come back and drop a few breadcrumbs to bait you into playing their selfish little games but eventually, they find someone else and move on. And you? Well..you get to have a brutal rude awakening after years of deceiving yourself and there will be no one to blame but yourself. And that's the worst part. Once your soul gets a taste of that, it'll just start to figure, why not just skip all this pointless crap, and just get to it.

 

That's how it's easier.

[BC1980]

It's not impossible, but it's really hard in the beginning. It took me 8 months to finally stick to it. I had some false starts and stops in between. At some point, you get fed up and realize that you look pathetic and are embarrassing yourself. It just becomes pointless to continue. After I figured all that out and got burned from breaking NC the final time, you couldn't have paid me enough money to break NC. I was really depressed and angry for awhile, but there was no way I'd break NC. Also, my ex didn't have social media, so I got off easy in that department.

[Vanity1]

I am one of those people who has the worst of luck.

I get why I am the way I am thanks to loveshack, and the reasons why I put up with my exes bad behaviour ....attachment and a bit of I am just as bad as him.

 

Before him I had one bf, and was single ( and so content ) for so long. He was the second guy I slept with ( I'm in my late 20s) my focus was just work ...I moved from my home town after school to a city where I knew no one and just focused on myself.....never cared for guys as long as I knew I could get them ( always could get male attention.

 

Long story short I met this guy at a street festival ...we kept making eye contact he finally came up to me said hi you're so beautiful what's your name ?? ( My brother noticed and in the background he was gonna tell him to f off but his gf told him to leave it. Brothers know best cuz till this day my brother does not like him! And he doesn't even know the half of it !)

The day before I met him, there was another Spanish festival , rejecting guys left right and centre . Why In the world did I decide to give the douchest douche my number , that one time I decide to not be uptight ! Because I have bad luck.

 

He was amazing at first. Fast forward I found out he does cocaine, is an alcoholic, a cheater , abusive. Abuse doesnt bother me, first it started with push to the ground to him slamming my head against the wall. I spoke to some people and they said it's because I was beat as a kid that behaviour is normal to me. Maybe ....to be honest physical abuse doesn't bother me.

 

I'm resentful though! I'm in denial at what type of person he is.

When he got stabbed , I was there to take care of him. When he hurt his foot I was there to help him. For my abortion appointment he didnt come through. He asked if I was ok....and kept acting like I didn't exist....till three days later he asked me to come over same cycle ....found a hair tie under his bed, anal lube ....so while I was begging him to take me to the clinic he was having sex with no worries THAT is what I can't accept. I left his house four days later upset, he says I'm never happy...I wonder why.

 

 

I'm having issues and idk what exactly is my problem !!! I want someone to care about me I feel like that's what I'm thirsty for after so long of not having that from anyone .

 

How do I cope??

 

Someone cheats on you ...move on! It's that easy. But I'm always thinking in my own head and docing and trying for something idk ?.

Edited October 20, 2017 by Hurtx10

[basil67]

The fact that you stayed with someone who was so rotten has nothing to do with bad luck. Pretty much all of us given our numbers to and dated people who weren't great choices at one time or another. Thing is, we have to recognise when we're in a bad situation and get the heck out of there. It's a choice we make - not luck.

 

Your situation will not change until you realise that luck has nothing to do with making good life choices. Start with getting therapy to deal with your abusive past and acceptance of current day abuse.

[Blanco]

Agreed. I've learned a lot in recent years that while some people do seem to run into misfortunes a bit more often than others, a lot of the supposedly "unlucky" people are products of their poor choices.

[Goodguy05]

It wasn't bad luck just like me it's the choices we decide to stick to. Having said that it's never that easy to just walk away maybe codependency? My issues have been finding someone who's really into me and they have either something I can't take on board like kids and I try and try at my own expense but never fully commit till they have had enough and leave that s my lesson to make peace wth. Or I'm not fully into them but stay at my own expense lol so we have our own demons to face I think I've learnt mine. I think we all crave being wth someone so much we all want it it sometimes clouds our decision making even wen we know it won't work out

[Beachead]

I am one of those people who has the worst of luck.

I get why I am the way I am thanks to loveshack, and the reasons why I put up with my exes bad behaviour ....attachment and a bit of I am just as bad as him.

 

Before him I had one bf, and was single ( and so content ) for so long. He was the second guy I slept with ( I'm in my late 20s) my focus was just work ...I moved from my home town after school to a city where I knew no one and just focused on myself.....never cared for guys as long as I knew I could get them ( always could get male attention.

 

Long story short I met this guy at a street festival ...we kept making eye contact he finally came up to me said hi you're so beautiful what's your name ?? ( My brother noticed and in the background he was gonna tell him to f off but his gf told him to leave it. Brothers know best cuz till this day my brother does not like him! And he doesn't even know the half of it !)

The day before I met him, there was another Spanish festival , rejecting guys left right and centre . Why In the world did I decide to give the douchest douche my number , that one time I decide to not be uptight ! Because I have bad luck.

 

He was amazing at first. Fast forward I found out he does cocaine, is an alcoholic, a cheater , abusive. Abuse doesnt bother me, first it started with push to the ground to him slamming my head against the wall. I spoke to some people and they said it's because I was beat as a kid that behaviour is normal to me. Maybe ....to be honest physical abuse doesn't bother me.

 

I'm resentful though! I'm in denial at what type of person he is.

When he got stabbed , I was there to take care of him. When he hurt his foot I was there to help him. For my abortion appointment he didnt come through. He asked if I was ok....and kept acting like I didn't exist....till three days later he asked me to come over same cycle ....found a hair tie under his bed, anal lube ....so while I was begging him to take me to the clinic he was having sex with no worries THAT is what I can't accept. I left his house four days later upset, he says I'm never happy...I wonder why.

 

 

I'm having issues and idk what exactly is my problem !!! I want someone to care about me I feel like that's what I'm thirsty for after so long of not having that from anyone .

 

How do I cope??

 

Someone cheats on you ...move on! It's that easy. But I'm always thinking in my own head and docing and trying for something idk ?.

 

Here's a question for you. Do you care about yourself and your well being?

[Vanity1]

It wasn't bad luck just like me it's the choices we decide to stick to. Having said that it's never that easy to just walk away maybe codependency? My issues have been finding someone who's really into me and they have either something I can't take on board like kids and I try and try at my own expense but never fully commit till they have had enough and leave that s my lesson to make peace wth. Or I'm not fully into them but stay at my own expense lol so we have our own demons to face I think I've learnt mine. I think we all crave being wth someone so much we all want it it sometimes clouds our decision making even wen we know it won't work out

 

Something clouds our decision.

Yes. Because I'm not into anything about him. We are polar opposites.

Like he can list two things good about me ( literally just two) but he can list 25 bad things about me. I can't say anything good about him.

[Nothingtolose]

I'm extremely concerned at the fact that physical abuse doesn't bother you. Please please go see a counsellor - I'm not saying this in a harsh way by any means, but this is 100% not normal, and until you heal the part of you that needs people like this guy, you won't be able to attract a healthy person into your life.

[Beachead]

You asked how do you cope? Well, as you said, you realize he's no good and you leave him. But you can't do that and I'll tell you why.

 

Because you don't have the slightest idea of how show love to yourself (Like leaving when you know this guy is a trash). You disrespect yourself by tolerating things you shouldn't (Like sticking around when a guy smacks you in the face) and in that process you subconsciously teach others to disrespect you in the same manner. That's what you are teaching this guy. So, your problems are stemming from your decisions/choices which are coming from the way you treat yourself and the way you treat yourself comes from the way you see yourself. This is why this is a reoccuring theme in your life.

 

This world is harsh OP as I know you've learned. And if you don't fight for yourself, you're going to get taken advantage of. Make no mistake about it. through some of the threads on here and see how many people have been screwed over in disappointingly disgusting ways. It's brutal. Nobody's going to save you but you. That's the fundamental lesson here.

 

So what do you do? How do you cope? You gotta work on yourself. That's how you cope.

 

Start figuring out what's causing you to want to keep people like this in your life. People argue and say things to eachother all the time when they fight but physical abuse is something else. You shouldn't be okay with it.

 

Seek some assistance from a councellor or therapist and use them as a tool for your soul searching and take a long time alone. I'm talking like a good year of alone time away from other people. Away from friends, away from relationships, even family. I know many many people who've made it a habit to surround themselves around others their whole life. As a result, they don't know who they are because they don't put any thought into themselves. They don't know what they want, don't want. All their thoughts go to others. Their energy too. They can't hear themselves think because there's too much noise in their head. Too many suggestions coming from too many sources. Too many opinions. Too much influence. Zero self-love, zero self-awareness. Their ups and downs are tied directly to everyone elses moods.

 

Without self-identiy, we'll be succeptible to all kinds of temptation, manipulation, and such. We won't even know how to love ourselves and our happiness will be sought for in others. You know what I mean?

 

Get on that.

Edited October 21, 2017 by Beachead

[Been]

Most people don't want to be alone. They want to share their life with someone.

And usually what happens is you meet someone and at first they are on their best behaviour. And it makes you feel great.

Then as time passes and they start showing their real side you hesitate to let go because a moment ago you were on top of the world.

You want that feeling you had when you first met them. And you think it will somehow comeback if you just allow certain things to run it's course.

You don't want to be alone because while however brief you LIKED having this person in your life when you first met them.

[Vanity1]

You asked how do you cope? Well, as you said, you realize he's no good and you leave him. But you can't do that and I'll tell you why.

 

Because you don't have the slightest idea of how show love to yourself (Like leaving when you know this guy is a trash). You disrespect yourself by tolerating things you shouldn't (Like sticking around when a guy smacks you in the face) and in that process you subconsciously teach others to disrespect you in the same manner. That's what you are teaching this guy. So, your problems are stemming from your decisions/choices which are coming from the way you treat yourself and the way you treat yourself comes from the way you see yourself. This is why this is a reoccuring theme in your life.

 

This world is harsh OP as I know you've learned. And if you don't fight for yourself, you're going to get taken advantage of. Make no mistake about it. through some of the threads on here and see how many people have been screwed over in disappointingly disgusting ways. It's brutal. Nobody's going to save you but you. That's the fundamental lesson here.

 

So what do you do? How do you cope? You gotta work on yourself. That's how you cope.

 

Start figuring out what's causing you to want to keep people like this in your life. People argue and say things to eachother all the time when they fight but physical abuse is something else. You shouldn't be okay with it.

 

Seek some assistance from a councellor or therapist and use them as a tool for your soul searching and take a long time alone. I'm talking like a good year of alone time away from other people. Away from friends, away from relationships, even family. I know many many people who've made it a habit to surround themselves around others their whole life. As a result, they don't know who they are because they don't put any thought into themselves. They don't know what they want, don't want. All their thoughts go to others. Their energy too. They can't hear themselves think because there's too much noise in their head. Too many suggestions coming from too many sources. Too many opinions. Too much influence. Zero self-love, zero self-awareness. Their ups and downs are tied directly to everyone elses moods.

 

Without self-identiy, we'll be succeptible to all kinds of temptation, manipulation, and such. We won't even know how to love ourselves and our happiness will be sought for in others. You know what I mean?

 

Get on that.

 

 

I think I was alone for so long since I moved when he finally came into my life I realized I was missing out ....I started going out again and socializing more.

[Vanity1]

I tell him... That he's never going to hear from me again....

 

A day and a half I call him

 

This is so hard either way I feel like I'm drowning geez.

[Zahara]

I tell him... That he's never going to hear from me again....

 

A day and a half I call him

 

This is so hard either way I feel like I'm drowning geez.

 

For some people, it takes hitting their absolute rock bottom to finally realize it's over and the best option is to move on.

 

When the pain of NC becomes much more tolerable than the pain of self-abuse.

 

You're not crazy. You have poor self-esteem and you're desperately in need of validation. That's why you keep chasing him. You need him to value you, because you see no value in yourself.

Edited October 23, 2017 by Zahara

[Blanco]

I don't think you're crazy, but you definitely exhibit poor self-control. I'll re-post what I told you nearly three months ago in your other thread:

 

Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to finally make the necessary changes in our lives.

 

I guess you will find yours eventually.

 

...

 

You continuing to contact him in spite of everything he has said and done to you just reinforces his bad behavior. Why would he even consider treating you with an ounce of respect or decency when you are showing him that it's not necessary to keep you around?

[Vanity1]

I know what I'm doing, I'm still attached to him.

We aren't haven't sex, and I made it clear that we are just friends and was honest and said I'm dating and talking to other guys. He just asks " why are you still talking to him"... I ask why we're u trying to to hang out with your exes while we were together. He can't say anything .

 

He says I don't want him that I just want attention ....yes maybe because I still do need that Lil fix, so what we are using each other for something . The week I was with him just as friends was amazing I was my old self laughing ,no cloud over my head. Just having a good time ( with him, wow) . I guess I'm doing that slow drift away breakup . I spent three days with him and by Thursday night I had to go, I was so bored and sick of stayng there while he worked . He got annoyed grabbed by bag and told me not to leave yet . I left anyway , he told me to lose his number because of that. I asked why, no comment .

 

So I texted him on my way home and told him there was no reason for him to be annoyed. Anyway he told him he was spending the weekend having sex ect ( so what, finally honesty) .

 

Now that we're friends and I accpepted his whore ways he has a problem with me seeing other guys.....even though I am making time for him.

 

A guy like him wouldn't he be happy that I'm ok with everything ( kinna stings a little but I've accepted how he is ) when I say ok with everything I don't react to his other girls.

[HumanMachine]

That hurt my brain

[1966Seahorse]

That hurt my brain

 

Ditto!!

 

Where to even start!!

[Blanco]

Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

[Blanco]

OP has an addiction and rather than trying to be a big girl and actually deal with it, she's taking the [] route of "being friends" with a guy who abused her.

 

This won't end well, and in a few months, when you find yourself as stuck on this guy as you were months ago, you know where to look to assign blame, OP.

 

Also, OP, you're past the point where it's reasonable to get upset with him. He has shown you loud and clear who he is, so it's on you for continuing to permit it in your life.

Edited October 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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