JuneL Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 I'm one of those who don't feel comfortable getting too physical too early unless I'm 100% into the guy. But it does seem unconventional that there is not even a little bit of making out or kissing when you both are alone at your place :confused: Why not just have dinner at a restaurant? I mean, your making him dinner at your place is such a huge step. I'm putting my bet on performance anxiety. Shouldn't he be more eager to get physical if he's juggling a few women?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 I'm seriously overthinking it but could he be intimidated that I'm better off financially? I wanted to make it 100% clear that in this situation I don't give a rat's ass about this, and moreover, I'd ACTIVELY encourage him to do what he's going regardless if it is ever going to pay well, but he brought it up few times in a row so I guess he's thinking about it............ This will be an absolute bummer because I really don't give a d*mn in this situation.......... Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 I'm seriously overthinking it but could he be intimidated that I'm better off financially? I wanted to make it 100% clear that in this situation I don't give a rat's ass about this, and moreover, I'd ACTIVELY encourage him to do what he's going regardless if it is ever going to pay well, but he brought it up few times in a row so I guess he's thinking about it............ This will be an absolute bummer because I really don't give a d*mn in this situation.......... That could well be the case. So he's a research scientist like you in his 30s with a Ph.D.? He should be making a low 6-figure salary I assume, or something close to that? I'm curious how he bought this up, if you don't mind sharing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 He made me dinner in my place by his own suggestion. I admit I agreed because I was hoping to escalate physically plus restaurant is too noisy and impersonal (we actually have done that on the second date and it was good, but it was late at night in a quiet spot and I was too pumped to be able to eat hahah... ad that I don't drink... no way to relax) As things ramped up so much I would have to REALLY exercise a lot of restraint if things get remotely physical... we were talking and in my head I was ripping his clothes off... Of course I kept quiet about it but maybe he sensed it... I'm one of those who don't feel comfortable getting too physical too early unless I'm 100% into the guy. But it does seem unconventional that there is not even a little bit of making out or kissing when you both are alone at your place :confused: Why not just have dinner at a restaurant? I mean, your making him dinner at your place is such a huge step. I'm putting my bet on performance anxiety. Shouldn't he be more eager to get physical if he's juggling a few women?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 He could but he picked up an academic path (postdoctoral) so it is like half of what it would be in industry. On my side I gave up on academia and made the six figures ... like selling my soul for money damn... maybe that's what he thinks about me . He's mid thirties I'm early thirties for that matters. That could well be the case. So he's a research scientist like you in his 30s with a Ph.D.? He should be making a low 6-figure salary I assume, or something close to that? I'm curious how he bought this up, if you don't mind sharing... Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 He made me dinner in my place by his own suggestion. I admit I agreed because I was hoping to escalate physically plus restaurant is too noisy and impersonal (we actually have done that on the second date and it was good, but it was late at night in a quiet spot and I was too pumped to be able to eat hahah... ad that I don't drink... no way to relax) As things ramped up so much I would have to REALLY exercise a lot of restraint if things get remotely physical... we were talking and in my head I was ripping his clothes off... Of course I kept quiet about it but maybe he sensed it... But why didn't he suggest making dinner at his place? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 But why didn't he suggest making dinner at his place? He has roommates. And I wanted to show him my place (I recently bought my first house and I'm still overly excited about it... Plus the privacy factor. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 (edited) He has roommates. And I wanted to show him my place (I recently bought my first house and I'm still overly excited about it... Plus the privacy factor. Ahh, so he can't afford a place without roommates? There seems to be a clear disparity in terms of your living standards. Would you be okay if he can't afford 50% of your joint living costs in case you end up getting into a serious relationship? I personally know some science postdocs who live like a senior version of a Ph.D. student. I mean, not just financially, but their whole lives... Edited August 14, 2017 by JuneL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 (edited) Yup, he's exactly living like this. Doesn't bother me one bit in this situation. He's not irresponsible. He's not speculating at all and he's doing stuff that I consider super important (and I secretly envy his work ). I was in his shoes not that long ago. Yes, if we were to move forward I'd have covered expenses commensurate to income. We actually circumstantially discussed it: he said his parents took turns during their careers as major breadwinners. That would have worked fine for me (June, btw to clarify if you remember my ex's and I financial dramas: there I was bothered NOT by the income disparity, he was actually earning more than me, but by his entitled behavior and intentional lack of planning) Ahh, so he can't afford a place without roommates? There seems to be a clear disparity in terms of your living standards. Would you be okay if he can't afford 50% of your joint living costs in case you end up getting into a serious relationship? I personally know some science postdocs who live like a senior version of a Ph.D. student. Edited August 14, 2017 by No_Go 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 He could but he picked up an academic path (postdoctoral) so it is like half of what it would be in industry. On my side I gave up on academia and made the six figures ... like selling my soul for money damn... maybe that's what he thinks about me . He's mid thirties I'm early thirties for that matters. I think there is a middle ground in academia, if I'm correct. The best scenario is of course to have a tenure-track faculty position in a research-oriented department. But I know of people working as researchers in some research institutions (middle ground). There seem to be some who get stuck at the postdoc position forever... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 He's inclining towards applying for faculty position in small college. Actually this will be ideal (picturing we stay together) - it is the golden middle ground of fitting his interests, earning enough, having enough flexibility of schedules. I'd personally prefer research based position and am planning to make a big jump in near future, so I need someone who is going to be fine with me working the longer hours and having more flexible schedule. He's NOT inclined to be a forever postdoc.He was very open and honest with his plans. I think there is a middle ground in academia. The best scenario is of course to have a tenure-track faculty position in a research-oriented department. But I know of people working as researchers in some research institutions (middle ground). There seem to be some who get stuck at the postdoc position forever... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 It sounds perfect to me : 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 It sounds perfect to me : If only he thinks the same :love: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 I don't know, to me everything sounds normal. Of course, I understand your worry, NG, since I'm an anxious person myself and tend to think of every catastrophic scenario possible but we're so used to guys who make advances on the very first date that we consider someone more humble and shy as uninterested or almost an impotent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 The thing is, the job of a faculty position in a small college is almost exclusively teaching and almost no research. I doubt he'd be too happy if he's really passionate about his research. Anyway, back to your relationship, I do think you have to take a bit more initiative with the additional information about his background. It's a very good sign that he's been very candid with you about his career plans. He's inclining towards applying for faculty position in small college. Actually this will be ideal (picturing we stay together) - it is the golden middle ground of fitting his interests, earning enough, having enough flexibility of schedules. I'd personally prefer research based position and am planning to make a big jump in near future, so I need someone who is going to be fine with me working the longer hours and having more flexible schedule. He's NOT inclined to be a forever postdoc.He was very open and honest with his plans. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 4 dates ...especially one behind closed doors...no kiss. Yea I am with thefooloftheyear. It's odd!! I think he has hit the jackpot with YOU. That you are patient and understanding. I would have thrown the towel in no matter how much I liked the guy. I don't like sexual forwardness eithef... but come on, you're in my house and we're on our 4th date and you're not gonna kiss me? I'd be so mad 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 Anyway, back to your relationship, I do think you have to take a bit more initiative with the additional information about his background. It's a very good sign that he's been very candid with you about his career plans. Aiii I want to take more initiative, but I initiated the last exchange and he's not responding. That's why I'm on fire this morning although it hasn't been a full day..................... Sexually I just don't have enough experience to be more forward...... In all my relationships (3) the guys were leading 100% on that aspect. Besides my relationships I just kissed one more guy (also 100% initiated by him) and that's it. I'm a shy nerd myself so it is a mission impossible Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 OMG he's back but with another story not plans - my last question was about plans a bit implicit... Shall I try again or roll with his story? Seriously today I woke up so frustrated I don't know how to roll Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 Although my interest would have flagged by this point, assuming yours hasn't, you need to set concrete plans to get him alone at your place, or his place, or anywhere private, and make a move. If he won't invite you, invite him yourself. I know you said you are shy, but you've made out before, etc., even if the guy was leading, so you know how it's done. Get him alone and kiss him! Don't worry about what his reaction might be, pretend he is one of the guys you made out with before; surely you must have done some of the kissing. His response will tell you everything you need to know. JMO, but this doesn't seem like shyness, or performance anxiety or the like; I'm sensing a fundamental sexual incompatibility. Do you want a partner that can take or leave physical intimacy with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 OMG he's back but with another story not plans - my last question was about plans a bit implicit... Shall I try again or roll with his story? Seriously today I woke up so frustrated I don't know how to roll Roll with his story, but what did he say when you asked him about his availability? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 We don't know about sexual incompatibility, right? If we were intimate and he was take it or leave it - I won't be ok... I'm more forgiving for 1st time though ... Although my interest would have flagged by this point, assuming yours hasn't, you need to set concrete plans to get him alone at your place, or his place, or anywhere private, and make a move. If he won't invite you, invite him yourself. I know you said you are shy, but you've made out before, etc., even if the guy was leading, so you know how it's done. Get him alone and kiss him! Don't worry about what his reaction might be, pretend he is one of the guys you made out with before; surely you must have done some of the kissing. His response will tell you everything you need to know. JMO, but this doesn't seem like shyness, or performance anxiety or the like; I'm sensing a fundamental sexual incompatibility. Do you want a partner that can take or leave physical intimacy with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 14, 2017 Author Share Posted August 14, 2017 Roll with his story, but what did he say when you asked him about his availability? I asked how is his week looking and he responded with his stuff today and asking about my schedule today... is that ignoring me or am I getting crazy? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 I asked how is his week looking and he responded with his stuff today and asking about my schedule today... is that ignoring me or am I getting crazy? Why don't you be more direct, though??? If a woman asked "how my week was going", I wouldn't take that as an invitation for a meeting/date...It's too vague... TFY 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 We don't know about sexual incompatibility, right? If we were intimate and he was take it or leave it - I won't be ok... I'm more forgiving for 1st time though ... Shy people can have an incredible amount of potential once you break into their shells People like that just have to meet the right person who like them enough to have the patience. So I think he's lucky to have met you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 14, 2017 Share Posted August 14, 2017 Why don't you be more direct, though??? If a woman asked "how my week was going", I wouldn't take that as an invitation for a meeting/date...It's too vague... TFY Couldn't agree more. Didn't he pretty much initiate the 4 dates so far (though you helped with the planning for two of those)? It think it's your turn... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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