limichelle Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 After reading your whole thread I think you are overthinking the ghosting. I tend to overthink as well. When you come up with the worst possible scenario in your head and it makes you question its reality. I would give him time to respond. He's on vacation so he's probably busy. Sounds like he's interested. Lisa 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Hopefully you're right! He got back to me. I'll just answer his questions and stop pestering him ? I still somehow feel a cool down but yeah - anxiety and intuition are easy to mix... This one really got the whole amplitude of my emotional spectrum ... it is like sailing between waves. I need to calm down but how??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Imagine this was someone else's thread. Imagine your exact words were coming from someone else, someone whose heart was melting and was so anxious she couldn't sleep after just two dates, and thought she was being ghosted because this near-complete stranger took about three hours to respond to a text. What would you tell her? Probably something along the lines of "jeez, just relax!" Nobody is worth reorienting your life around after two months, much less two dates. Stay focused. What did you do before this guy? What movies did you see or books did you read? Were you doing any renovations on the house? Think about that, not this guy. No one deserves to be at the center of your attention until they prove they've earned it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 True - I'm getting overly dramatic ? Maybe because it is still more pleasant than thinking about the HVAC upgrade that I just have to do ? Imagine this was someone else's thread. Imagine your exact words were coming from someone else, someone whose heart was melting and was so anxious she couldn't sleep after just two dates, and thought she was being ghosted because this near-complete stranger took about three hours to respond to a text. What would you tell her? Probably something along the lines of "jeez, just relax!" Nobody is worth reorienting your life around after two months, much less two dates. Stay focused. What did you do before this guy? What movies did you see or books did you read? Were you doing any renovations on the house? Think about that, not this guy. No one deserves to be at the center of your attention until they prove they've earned it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MonkeyLogic Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 True - I'm getting overly dramatic ? Maybe because it is still more pleasant than thinking about the HVAC upgrade that I just have to do ? It's an important lesson though. The early stage roller coaster - both the highs and the lows - are always (and I mean ALWAYS) self induced. Which is why cautiously optimistic is a good mindset early on. If you're still together after 6 months to a year, and see minimal flags, then it's a good time to get excited about the future. At this stage...cautiously optimistic...don't ride the roller coaster... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Don't get me wrong - I'm not planning my wedding and babies with him in this stage :lmao: mainly excited about the upcoming 4th date and wondering how the heck to escalate physical contact... I am just overly excited that I met someone so similar to me that I'm very attracted to as well (usually I get one or the other ) I think the thought pattern similarity is what gets me most here - I very well could be imagining this but i guess... time will tell indeed! I just need to find a way to manage the lows (and highs) because it is getting a bit exhausting, especially in this week of what ifs.. It's an important lesson though. The early stage roller coaster - both the highs and the lows - are always (and I mean ALWAYS) self induced. Which is why cautiously optimistic is a good mindset early on. If you're still together after 6 months to a year, and see minimal flags, then it's a good time to get excited about the future. At this stage...cautiously optimistic...don't ride the roller coaster... Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Again just keeping track of thoughts and lessons here... but I realized how worn out I got out of my last relationship and how emotionally vulnerable it has made me. I'm absolutely not rebounding - it has been 10 full months (1/2 of the total duration) but my ex never stopped writing to me blaming me about the break up etc. With him everything was so mechanical - every step was to the book and he was very much trying to dominate over me, in a bad way. Not blaming him - that's his normal... but I just forgot what genuine emotions are while with him.. Here I am - sure, it's judt 3 meets, sure - it's early, it is slow, but it is simple, not forced, genuine to what I can tell, we don't need complex plans at all, even just lying on the grass talking made me feel so much better then some forced activity or wine/dine arrangement. The anxiety is big time from my own state (I had rough year with the break up, severe illness, house buying and what not). In any case, communication resumed, all is good, weekend not too far ... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 I don't have too much to add, just wanted to take my hat off to NoGo and a lot of you other ladies...It often amazes me(and its kinda cute) how even women who have have been through it all still get giddy and excited at the prospect of a new love...That's kinda nice...Guys generally don't do this...We grow very cynical pretty easily... Hope it all works for you... TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 I don't have too much to add, just wanted to take my hat off to NoGo and a lot of you other ladies...It often amazes me(and its kinda cute) how even women who have have been through it all still get giddy and excited at the prospect of a new love...That's kinda nice...Guys generally don't do this...We grow very cynical pretty easily... Hope it all works for you... TFY But I've always heard stories of middle-aged men falling in love and acting like teenagers. I thought that's so cute 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 I feel that this budding dating experience is more normal compared to your past couple of relationships. It seems that you were never that attracted to those two guys back then, but were simply going with the flow at those two times. Again just keeping track of thoughts and lessons here... but I realized how worn out I got out of my last relationship and how emotionally vulnerable it has made me. I'm absolutely not rebounding - it has been 10 full months (1/2 of the total duration) but my ex never stopped writing to me blaming me about the break up etc. With him everything was so mechanical - every step was to the book and he was very much trying to dominate over me, in a bad way. Not blaming him - that's his normal... but I just forgot what genuine emotions are while with him.. Here I am - sure, it's judt 3 meets, sure - it's early, it is slow, but it is simple, not forced, genuine to what I can tell, we don't need complex plans at all, even just lying on the grass talking made me feel so much better then some forced activity or wine/dine arrangement. The anxiety is big time from my own state (I had rough year with the break up, severe illness, house buying and what not). In any case, communication resumed, all is good, weekend not too far ... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Shame on me but... spot on! I liked some things about them and thought that's how an adult relationship should start ... I had this type of sparks twice before but with people I didn't end up in relationships with... I feel that this budding dating experience is more normal compared to your past couple of relationships. It seems that you were never that attracted to those two guys back then, but were simply going with the flow at those two times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 my ex never stopped writing to me blaming me about the break up etc. I understand that your ex is extremely socially awkward. I can imagine how hard it must be for someone like him to do OLD again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 3, 2017 Author Share Posted August 3, 2017 I understand that your ex is extremely socially awkward. I can imagine how hard it must be for someone like him to do OLD again. He's managing it. He could be good for the right woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 After the first 2 days of 'separation' we transitioned into very consistent, balanced communication, basically sharing highlights of both our days, impressions etc. I'm feeling much better about this all ... but the real test will be when he's back. He's traveling back today. I'm so excited and scared in the same time... Maybe this first post- return meet should be low key without too many questions about where are we going (which I admit is on my mind, a lot)? I was thinking about escalating but I don't want to make it look forcefully rushed... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 After the first 2 days of 'separation' we transitioned into very consistent, balanced communication, basically sharing highlights of both our days, impressions etc. I'm feeling much better about this all ... but the real test will be when he's back. He's traveling back today. I'm so excited and scared in the same time... Maybe this first post- return meet should be low key without too many questions about where are we going (which I admit is on my mind, a lot)? I was thinking about escalating but I don't want to make it look forcefully rushed... It's waaay too early to bring up such questions!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 L, I don't know what kind of questions you have in mind - I'm thinking more about how to proceed in the immediate future, maybe exclusivity, and some form of physical escalation. I'm not talking about getting married It's waaay too early to bring up such questions!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 L, I don't know what kind of questions you have in mind - I'm thinking more about how to proceed in the immediate future, maybe exclusivity, and some form of physical escalation. I'm not talking about getting married But why do you need to ask those things? Especially the part about physical escalation - that's something that has to come naturally. It's awkward to bring this up in a conversation at this point. Imo, if you don't let things unravel as they will, you'll put pressure on the guy and the magic will be lost. Like really, how would you bring this up? Why not just leaning in and kissing him instead, when the moment seems right if you can't wait? You're overthinking this 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 I agree with the lean in and kiss ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 Sure, it doesn't need to be verbal. I'm so scared OMG, that's why I'm overthinking it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Are you still talking to any other guys?? Sorry if I missed if you multi date or not Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 Are you still talking to any other guys?? Sorry if I missed if you multi date or not Nope, I want to see how this develops right now... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 I suggest you pursue your next graduate degree at Chill University with a major in Slow Your Roll Studies. You've been on two dates with this guy and haven't so much as kissed him, but you want to be exclusive and hear his opinion about where your relationship is going? That is the very definition of rushing forcefully. Don't get me wrong. You have to be true to yourself and there's no harm in asking for exclusivity when you're ready. But at the moment you know this guy about as well as your plumber. Lorenza is correct that your anxiety could potentially derail this entire situation. The "real test" here is whether you can give up your need for control long enough and let this proceed naturally. Meet him. Enjoy yourself. See how it goes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 3 dates Lana so umm 12 hours face time. Sure it is not much, but much better than my plumber in terms of quality time Plus we ramped up communication this week... it is not like we met 3 times with silence in between. I just... I just don't know how to chill down! I really like this one. It is not interfering with my daily activities because I sleep like 4 h per night recently haha, and somehow manage to be productive, but he's on my mind... What is the natural progression here? I swear I have no idea because in all my relationships the guys were doing all the initial pursuing, maybe at least partially because I wasn't that excited... I suggest you pursue your next graduate degree at Chill University with a major in Slow Your Roll Studies. You've been on two dates with this guy and haven't so much as kissed him, but you want to be exclusive and hear his opinion about where your relationship is going? That is the very definition of rushing forcefully. Don't get me wrong. You have to be true to yourself and there's no harm in asking for exclusivity when you're ready. But at the moment you know this guy about as well as your plumber. Lorenza is correct that your anxiety could potentially derail this entire situation. The "real test" here is whether you can give up your need for control long enough and let this proceed naturally. Meet him. Enjoy yourself. See how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
MonkeyLogic Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Sure, it doesn't need to be verbal. I'm so scared OMG, that's why I'm overthinking it What are you afraid of? Seriously. The very worst case scenario (barring anything criminal) is after you get to know each other better, one or both of you realize you're not as well matched as you initially thought and you go your separate ways. No big deal. Actually the worst case scenario is you ignore flags about incompatibility and end up spending a lot of time and effort on a relationship that is doomed to fail. Just take it easy. There's nothing to be afraid of. If you want to kiss him, kiss him. Be yourself. If he isn't interested, it wasn't meant to be. Next! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 NG, you could be enjoying this - wondering, anticipating, curiously exploring what this person has brought into your life. Watching whatever is meant to be unfold in front of you. Then you wouldn't need to quench the fire, you could slowly add fuel to it. Or let it dwindle - no harm done. But you let fear and need to control take over you. Fear is meant to save us from danger and there is no danger here. Nothing bad can happen. If you two become a couple - wonderful, if not then there is someone else for you. As another poster said, the worst case scenario is you wasting your time with him, and that's exactly what that blinding fear might cause - you'll get attached to an image of your hopes and expectations instead of seeing the real person 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts