Quenching the fire?

[salparadise]

Interesting experience.

 

For me the curve is different than your ex's because I fall out VERY slowly. The RL with my ex wasn't a happy one and still I took 9 full months to recover emotionally ... I wasn't even able to think of going on date with anyone else at that time.

 

That's the way normal, healthy people are. Real feelings of love and affection can't be switched off like that. I won't go into it here, but I'm sure she had issues that have little to do with type. She has a position in her life for "man," (like plumber, hairstylist, etc.). When she ain't happy he gets fired. Then, she prioritizes filling the open position just as quickly. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time when she was hiring.

 

Intensity like now actually happened to me just 2x before - 1 time with somebody 'forbidden' (it was a work situation, he was divorcing I was virgin.. nothing happened ...I just licked wounds for few years), and later with a musician who was most likely skilled pua and ghosted when sex didn't happen on 2nd date. With my ex-bfs it happened fast (dating to RL) because they were very pushy... Now is the first time the guy has more of a softer energy, I'm super much into him, and actually circumstances are fine for giving it a try... That's why it is so weird, scary, exciting

 

I think intensity is absolutely wonderful. I know everyone is telling you to slow down and be careful and all... but based what I've read you've already filtered and been selective. I think you should focus on enjoying your new romance and be in the present. Like you said, it doesn't happen every day. Go with it and don't ruin the moment by trying to analyze or predict the future.

 

Just keep in mind that people are inherently imperfect. Be willing to forgive and overlook the small stuff, while keeping the deal breakers in mind.... but keep it in the back of your mind, not the front.

 

Enjoy! There is nothing in this life quite like it.

[WaitingForBardot]

I'm not a fan of quenching the fire, I like to be carried along with the wave of emotion. This does not mean I'm not paying attention for possible issues, just that I don't go looking for them.

 

I read a brain imaging study quite a few years ago that showed the same neural pathways stimulated by new love were lit up when established older couples reminisced about life with their SOs. The authors conjectured that these pathways were being established during the new love phase and their presence years later in the relationship was a great stabilizing influence.

 

One possible conclusion from this study is that holding back/taking it slow/quenching the fire might well interrupt the formation of the very pathways one needs to build a stable long-term relationship. Of course my view is biased towards this whole idea because it's the way I've always done relationships and it has worked out well for me. Obviously YMMV...

[No_Go]

I've never thought about that - actually sound quite right to me (in my slow-ramp relationships things never felt quite right... stable - yes, but I was getting hypervigilant about problems soon)... I'm very compelled to read this study (was it functional MRI or other method? I need keywords to find it). I don't know enough about the subject but I remember reading before about imprint in forming relationships in some species, and although usually parent-child attachment was discussed, I won't be surprised some form of imprint from the early stages to govern romantic relationships as well.

 

I'm not a fan of quenching the fire, I like to be carried along with the wave of emotion. This does not mean I'm not paying attention for possible issues, just that I don't go looking for them.

 

I read a brain imaging study quite a few years ago that showed the same neural pathways stimulated by new love were lit up when established older couples reminisced about life with their SOs. The authors conjectured that these pathways were being established during the new love phase and their presence years later in the relationship was a great stabilizing influence.

 

One possible conclusion from this study is that holding back/taking it slow/quenching the fire might well interrupt the formation of the very pathways one needs to build a stable long-term relationship. Of course my view is biased towards this whole idea because it's the way I've always done relationships and it has worked out well for me. Obviously YMMV...

[WaitingForBardot]

I've never thought about that - actually sound quite right to me (in my slow-ramp relationships things never felt quite right... stable - yes, but I was getting hypervigilant about problems soon)... I'm very compelled to read this study (was it functional MRI or other method? I need keywords to find it). I don't know enough about the subject but I remember reading before about imprint in forming relationships in some species, and although usually parent-child attachment was discussed, I won't be surprised some form of imprint from the early stages to govern romantic relationships as well.

I think this is the one or at least it is similar...

 

"Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love": https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3277362/

[MonkeyLogic]

I don't think any of us on the "cautiously optimistic" side of things are saying not be excited. It's more to go ahead and be excited that you've met someone with potential! That is exciting! But not to be excited that you've met the love of your life. There's no way you can know that at this point..

 

But also realize that the qualities that make someone a good partner. Things like empathy, compassion, reliability, honesty, trustworthiness, communication skills, conflict resolution etc. don't get revealed for months and months into the process.

 

The qualities that you find very attractive now like ability to express oneself in writing, STEM plus emotive, I suspect the way he looks etc. are quite meaningless when it comes to building a relationship. He can have all those things and still be a terrible partner. Or a bad match.

 

Cautious optimism.

[Cookiesandough]

.

 

Ohhhh that is very interesting. Apparently I am infj. I do not put much weight in the personality types thing but that is still interesting to know

[No_Go]

Eh I wasn't saying that I met the love of my life - just someone that I'm very very excited about and don't know how to keep myself under control:) This has been my main issue so far - maintain sanity and not burn out from being too high on hormones.

 

Regarding qualities - yes, the listed from you, plus subtle nuances and cues that I am using to extrapolate the qualities that you listed for future reference (empathy, compassion, reliability, honesty, trustworthiness, communication skills, conflict resolution) - e.g. the way how he emotes to issues that I share or how he describes situations in his family - obviously nothing definitive so far but there are still data points.

 

But for now let say I'm just freaking out for tonight - am I going to ruin it with something stupid, will I appear like a clinger, is my dress cut too low - a lot of 'deep' issues to think about...

 

 

I don't think any of us on the "cautiously optimistic" side of things are saying not be excited. It's more to go ahead and be excited that you've met someone with potential! That is exciting! But not to be excited that you've met the love of your life. There's no way you can know that at this point..

 

But also realize that the qualities that make someone a good partner. Things like empathy, compassion, reliability, honesty, trustworthiness, communication skills, conflict resolution etc. don't get revealed for months and months into the process.

 

The qualities that you find very attractive now like ability to express oneself in writing, STEM plus emotive, I suspect the way he looks etc. are quite meaningless when it comes to building a relationship. He can have all those things and still be a terrible partner. Or a bad match.

 

Cautious optimism.

[MonkeyLogic]

But for now let say I'm just freaking out for tonight - am I going to ruin it with something stupid, will I appear like a clinger, is my dress cut too low - a lot of 'deep' issues to think about...

 

It's impossible to ruin it. Literally. If you're just yourself and wear what you want to wear and he isn't interested then it just mean you weren't compatible overall. Better to find that out sooner rather than later. Just being yourself is always the only way to go. So nothing to worry about! Or freak out about as it were...

 

That being said - this is what is playing into your emotional attachment:

 

 

Regarding qualities - yes, the listed from you, plus subtle nuances and cues that I am using to extrapolate the qualities that you listed for future reference (empathy, compassion, reliability, honesty, trustworthiness, communication skills, conflict resolution) - e.g. the way how he emotes to issues that I share or how he describes situations in his family - obviously nothing definitive so far but there are still data points.

 

You are extrapolating. Which means it is only your thoughts and your mind that is attributing those qualities to him. Not him. The only (and I really mean only) way to know how he truly is in a relationship is to give it time. Lots of time. Do not extrapolate anything right now! You haven't even had two dates yet!

 

You are excited and hormones are firing and it feels good. So the logic side of your brain wants to keep the good feelings going so starts to make up all these awesome qualities that he has when you don't even know him yet!! And then those thoughts leads to more hormones and excitement and the upwards spiral of infatuation keeps going.

 

Until as you've experienced, you get the crash and burn.

 

And because it feels good...like a happy drug...you don't want it to stop. So any pleas for caution you don't really want to pay attention to. If a flag shows up, you might ignore because it won't feel good. That's where the danger lies, and from your posts you've made these types of mistakes in the past.

 

What are you doing differently this time?

 

Here's a question: What incompatibilities have you noticed? Not deal breakers necessarily, but just things where maybe you don't see eye to eye. Nobody is a perfect match for us. It doesn't exist. Maybe having a more balanced approach might be beneficial?

 

...I'm very very excited about and don't know how to keep myself under control:) This has been my main issue so far - maintain sanity and not burn out from being too high on hormones.

 

Yup, so you can't keep doing things the same way and expect a different result. You've moved too fast in the past...what are you doing differently this time?

[No_Go]

You're right - I was a bit sarcastic but I realize if we're a match, there is not much that can ruin it ... I hope so!!

 

I could be extrapolating... but why is that wrong? People function in projections.

 

I want to respond more but I'm sick and weak in the knees. It was so lovely night... I wanted it to never end. Maybe i should stay ace pri all but it feels so right.

 

With my 2 recent exes it didn't feel right - they were pushy and I followed along. I'm sad to admit it but that was the case. Here... it just feels so right. But I'm afraid if it fails I'll be wrecked. It just feels so magical.

 

What I'm doing different? Snail pace with intimacy, taking the lead more, 'going less with the flow... OMG I hope this is real

 

It's impossible to ruin it. Literally. If you're just yourself and wear what you want to wear and he isn't interested then it just mean you weren't compatible overall. Better to find that out sooner rather than later. Just being yourself is always the only way to go. So nothing to worry about! Or freak out about as it were...

 

That being said - this is what is playing into your emotional attachment:

 

 

 

 

You are extrapolating. Which means it is only your thoughts and your mind that is attributing those qualities to him. Not him. The only (and I really mean only) way to know how he truly is in a relationship is to give it time. Lots of time. Do not extrapolate anything right now! You haven't even had two dates yet!

 

You are excited and hormones are firing and it feels good. So the logic side of your brain wants to keep the good feelings going so starts to make up all these awesome qualities that he has when you don't even know him yet!! And then those thoughts leads to more hormones and excitement and the upwards spiral of infatuation keeps going.

 

Until as you've experienced, you get the crash and burn.

 

And because it feels good...like a happy drug...you don't want it to stop. So any pleas for caution you don't really want to pay attention to. If a flag shows up, you might ignore because it won't feel good. That's where the danger lies, and from your posts you've made these types of mistakes in the past.

 

What are you doing differently this time?

 

Here's a question: What incompatibilities have you noticed? Not deal breakers necessarily, but just things where maybe you don't see eye to eye. Nobody is a perfect match for us. It doesn't exist. Maybe having a more balanced approach might be beneficial?

 

 

 

Yup, so you can't keep doing things the same way and expect a different result. You've moved too fast in the past...what are you doing differently this time?

[No_Go]

The 2nd date was even better than the first. I said I don't pay attention to physical features initially - yes I do, this time, I am f*cking madly attracted.

 

We spend 4 hours talking about everything, we were walking and then in a restaurant at some point then took another shorter walk. It felt so right.

 

However - we didn't get physical. We hugged and walked shoulders touching but no kiss yet. Does he see me as a friend? This will be horrible. On a few points it was close I think but we didn't take the leap. Next time if he diesnt make a move I will - I can't ...

 

He texted me to meet again but without specifying date. Shall I set one before he leaves for a week long vacation? I can't wait. I think if I wait any further I'll explode. Well, not that bad but I want him so badly ... I'll make a mistake.

[Cookiesandough]

No_Go, I am so happy for you. so what if it doesn't turn how you expected? That is life. What you are experiencing now is one of the best parts of life! The giddy feeling of connecting with someone and catching feelings. It's so beautiful We must let our guards down and be vulnerable to fall in love. People go at all different paces. There will be mistakes along the way, but enjoy the happy feeling.

Edited July 26, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[divegrl]

This is awesome!!! That visceral attraction is the best!!!!

 

Yes! I think you should set a date before he leaves. I know I couldn't wait!!!

 

I'm so so happy for you!!

[No_Go]

Very true Cookies&Dive, however it turns- I'm not emotionally numb!! I can't believe it! I was giving up on life/love in a bad way - I mean I was ok with very rational one... He showed me how ridiculously narrow my eyesight is- if it lasts it will be amazing, if it doesn't - things will still never be the same..

[No_Go]

Ok, now that I had the chance to calm down a bit - I wonder did I scared him away yesterday - we've discussed every and any topic that I can think of - family & family relationships, friends from childhood to now, politics, religion, science, work, health, cooking, pass times, passions, pets, trips, music, stupid mistake of the past, touched on exes, other people from the past, future aspirations. I was pouring on very sensitive subjects for me like people I lost and personal worries... I'm now thinking he'll be like 'I met this insane woman who shared all her past with me within 4 hours ' I'm dying to get back in touch but it hasn't even been full 10 h so I'm holding off ... At least until my lunch break. Here comes my initial overwhelming fear that my overexcitement will burn it off... On the other side he was matching me on the oversharing part if not overkilling it even further I'm not sure what's going on, just ... It is hard to calm down. Also thinking wth we didn't go for anything physical - is that turning into a budding friendship (not that I don't need a new friend but... oh, i can't keep it platonic here any longer..........)

[JuneL]

This is going very fast indeed. You might want to schedule your next date just before he leaves for vacation (not too close to last night).

 

Ok, now that I had the chance to calm down a bit - I wonder did I scared him away yesterday - we've discussed every and any topic that I can think of - family & family relationships, friends from childhood to now, politics, religion, science, work, health, cooking, pass times, passions, pets, trips, music, stupid mistake of the past, touched on exes, other people from the past, future aspirations. I was pouring on very sensitive subjects for me like people I lost and personal worries... I'm now thinking he'll be like 'I met this insane woman who shared all her past with me within 4 hours ' I'm dying to get back in touch but it hasn't even been full 10 h so I'm holding off ... At least until my lunch break. Here comes my initial overwhelming fear that my overexcitement will burn it off... On the other side he was matching me on the oversharing part if not overkilling it even further I'm not sure what's going on, just ... It is hard to calm down. Also thinking wth we didn't go for anything physical - is that turning into a budding friendship (not that I don't need a new friend but... oh, i can't keep it platonic here any longer..........)

[No_Go]

This is going very fast indeed. You might want to schedule your next date just before he leaves for vacation (not too close to last night).

 

He leaves on Sat... I wonder shall we meet before than (I have constraint Fri... may manage to get around it), or just schedule. I'm for this week but it is getting SO intense it's hard to handle

[JuneL]

He leaves on Sat... I wonder shall we meet before than (I have constraint Fri... may manage to get around it), or just schedule. I'm for this week but it is getting SO intense it's hard to handle

 

How long is he going to be away? If it's just a week, then I vote for scheduling.

 

You mentioned there was barely anything physical going on during your first couple of dates...did you at least flirt with each other or touch each other's hands/arms while you were chatting?

[No_Go]

Just a week ..

 

Regarding flirting - 'my way' I.e. subtle - yes, a lot

Touching - nope! He suggested to sit down on a bench in the park and we were having prolonged eye contact, he was pulling his hair back and biting his lips so I thought it is coming but then ... we just went for dinner! Then we're sitting very close shoulders/legs touching unintentionally, hugged in the end (and in the start) but that's about it! [previous time not even that, first time was just a hug ]

Is he friendzoning me???

 

How long is he going to be away? If it's just a week, then I vote for scheduling.

 

You mentioned there was barely anything physical going on during your first couple of dates...did you at least flirt with each other or touch each other's hands/arms while you were chatting?

Edited July 26, 2017 by No_Go

[JuneL]

Just a week ..

 

he was pulling his hair back and biting his lips

 

I thought only we girls do that when we're very attracted to someone

 

Just a week ..

 

Regarding flirting - 'my way' I.e. subtle - yes, a lot

 

 

Just curious: What's your way, if you don't mind sharing? For me, I like to talk in a cute manner and tease him

[No_Go]

I thought only we girls do that when we're very attracted to someone

I don't know.... he's not inexperienced he had 2 LTRs but it was cute to watch... Hopefully there will be also action next time around

 

Just curious: What's your way, if you don't mind sharing? For me, I like to talk in a cute manner and tease him

I notice my voice is getting all over the place - loud, whisper, fast, slow etc. I can't really control it when I'm into someone:o Also I start teasing like you and get a little self-sarcastic. I rarely go further than that excluding the physical stuff... Is this in the cards for us?? If he friendzones me, what a bummer

[JuneL]

If he friendzones me, what a bummer

 

Of course he's not friendzoning you! Did he not tell you he couldn't stop thinking about you?

[No_Go]

Of course he's not friendzoning you! Did he not tell you he couldn't stop thinking about you?

 

Hope you're right! He did yesterday, and texted to meet again as well like 30 min after getting back home , but we haven't yet set time, and the lack of physical escalation is a bit worrying but probably better to slow it down anyway:love:

[No_Go]

Phew 3rd date planned for this weekend before he departs for a week... It is great he decided to drive over later in the weekend so we have some time to catch up... I was getting desperate haha. I should probably be initiating more already but I think at least I made it abundantly clear I'm interested... I'm so scared to appear like an eager beaver but how else to handle it.. My friends are cheering up (I was dumb enough to share with everyone ) it will be so awkward if things go south.

 

For calming down I discovered hot showers do the work a little bit but nearly nothing else helps :lmao:

[Eternal Sunshine]

No way is he friendzoning you

[Usename12]

OP you seem like an intense person and if someone excites you, it consumes a lot of your mind. You already know the experience of a love not working out and if you're okay with the potential aftermath, then I don't see why you need to quench that fire. Of course you should always be attentive for red flags, etc, etc, but that's obvious advice. It seems like you met in public on your first dates, so it's not like you're doing anything stupid like going to the woods with him. And if a guy you're seeing is scared off by or feels smothered by your intensity, he's probably not right for you anyway so it might as well show early. So I'd say enjoy the early stages getting to know someone.