All good men taken by their early 20s?

[Popsicle]

Thanks, pops. I hope so, but wish I was more optimistic. I've never lived there. I just visited a couple times for a job interview and a vacation. I really like it there, though!

 

I just can see how you feel about living in the mid-west. I live on the west coast but in a town where everyone pairs up/marries early (and usually with their HS sweethearts). It's more of a suburb and events are mostly geared towards families and couples. It's tough to go any place and find singles. I honestly feel that because there is less to do here, people pair up more to relieve boredom. I will be moving to a big city in a year or two because there are tons more things to get out and do and increased population to choose from.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sure...people obtain baggage along the way.,...But to proclaim they are just going to saddle someone else with it is kinda ridiculous...Some maybe ...But certainly not all..Not even close...

 

You have over 8k+ posts on this forum. I am surprised with this comment. There are MANY examples of past baggage getting in the way of relationships. It is common. NOT 'not even close'. Whether one intends to or not, it happens and that is evidenced by the thousands of posts on this forum about the trials and tribulations of relationships.

 

Depending on what the 'baggage' is, oftentimes, it interferes at some level or another.

 

As for dating IRL, OLD eventually becomes exactly that. Of course it does. As for dating among friends, etc. that is a luxury that is not obtainable for many nor desirable. It is akin to dating someone from work, if it doesn't work out, how awkward and disruptive that can be. It is true that dating among a social group provides the benefit of some knowledge of one's notoriety or reputation. But my online dating experience has not been terrible, so as I don't have such a social group to rely on, if wanted, I am satisfied with OLD.

[hotpotato]

You have over 8k+ posts on this forum. I am surprised with this comment. There are MANY examples of past baggage getting in the way of relationships. It is common. NOT 'not even close'. Whether one intends to or not, it happens and that is evidenced by the thousands of posts on this forum about the trials and tribulations of relationships.

 

Depending on what the 'baggage' is, oftentimes, it interferes at some level or another.

 

As for dating IRL, OLD eventually becomes exactly that. Of course it does. As for dating among friends, etc. that is a luxury that is not obtainable for many nor desirable. It is akin to dating someone from work, if it doesn't work out, how awkward and disruptive that can be. It is true that dating among a social group provides the benefit of some knowledge of one's notoriety or reputation. But my online dating experience has not been terrible, so as I don't have such a social group to rely on, if wanted, I am satisfied with OLD.

 

Thank you! Not everyone has a circle of people (who are single) to choose from. For some of us, simply finding someone is a job.

 

People have baggage. I'm sure they are not consciously trying saddle the new squeeze with issues, but it happens a lot.

With the last guy, it was like his ex was some kind of ghost. She was always there with us. He was very sensitive about talking about her or anything that could remind him of her negatively. I'm sure it wasn't a conscious thing.

 

I could say the same thing about women. That there are so few good ones out there, but I won't b/c I have only met one terrible woman during my dating days. My ex wasn't 'terrible', but she made some mistakes and decisions that I could not overlook. Any decent guy that finds her would be in good shape as she has learned from our break-up. Many men would find her a catch. Will I find another woman like her w/o the baggage she had...yes. I've met them in the pas and feel confident I will soon enough. But many ladies have also been through a lot and yet to recover for whatever reason.

 

hotpotato, I like what that lady said. When younger, and if I may paraphrase, things were simpler and the idea of creating a future together was easier. Most people who are divorced and dating again are likely mostly in their 40s, right? We're probably talking about people who have been in 10-20 year marriages and have a lot go on. New to dating, children to support after divorce, an ex to deal with while trying to move on and date, financial circumstances created while married and still need to deal with, bitterness from divorces proceedings...and so on.

 

I believe, men, especially, are at the point where having a LTR is not under their radar in the near term. They just go out of a LTR that ended miserably, why would they want to rush into something LTR and monogamous? With all the responsibilities that resume with their previous relationship, it is very difficult for many men to consider having to take care of another child or lady whose own finances or social life only adds to his own misery. I can see why so many men are not knocking down the door for the next LTR, monogamous relationship.

 

But, there are those of us who are single parents, no exes, finances in order and living life to the best of our ability who are ready and seeking other women who will complement, not complicate. Men like me seem to be in the minority as I do not have to deal with any of the aforementioned issues. Do I have baggage? Depends on what you mean.

 

As for the festivals, do single people actually go to these things in droves? These types of activities, I believe, are typically frequented by families and couples, not single people looking for other single people.

I suppose not. I could try clubs and bars, but i'm not into that. I'd have to go out of my way to meet people, use OLD, or hope to bump into someone at the grocery store.

[whatnot]

being friend zoned gets a bad wrap.

[thefooloftheyear]

You have over 8k+ posts on this forum. I am surprised with this comment. There are MANY examples of past baggage getting in the way of relationships. It is common. NOT 'not even close'. Whether one intends to or not, it happens and that is evidenced by the thousands of posts on this forum about the trials and tribulations of relationships.

 

Depending on what the 'baggage' is, oftentimes, it interferes at some level or another.

 

As for dating IRL, OLD eventually becomes exactly that. Of course it does. As for dating among friends, etc. that is a luxury that is not obtainable for many nor desirable. It is akin to dating someone from work, if it doesn't work out, how awkward and disruptive that can be. It is true that dating among a social group provides the benefit of some knowledge of one's notoriety or reputation. But my online dating experience has not been terrible, so as I don't have such a social group to rely on, if wanted, I am satisfied with OLD.

 

Its your opinion and you are entitled to it....I don't agree, nor do I think anything that happens on here can be taken as representing society as a whole......I don't care what my post count is, I have read many stories on here that seem just frankly "out of left field"...So I can't really relate in many cases...Not that I am saying its invalid...But let's face it why do people come on here? Not to report how wonderful their new life is, but rather to complain, vent, or seek advice on how to deal with a difficult situation...So if you are just using the stories posted on here as a barometer, then you aren't seeing the entire picture...

 

As for "baggage", that's why I see many people getting together with like people...If you never had kids and don't want them or even like kids, then its unlikely that you will be successful dating a guy with kids...And the same goes if the genders are reversed...To me that's not "having to deal with baggage", that's just common sense..and simple incompatibility..

 

Take this from a man, most of the guys i currently know know using OLD have the attitude that its just an easy way to get laid, because the women are kinda desperate...That's not my opinion nor would it be anything I would do, but that's what I hear from them...Oh, and how many times have you heard that on here?? Plenty, Right??..And so what do you do then if there are people that just would never do OLD?? You, (you and others) are completely missing out on that pool of guys, no??...

 

I dunno..I guess all I am doing is countering the notion that all good men are somehow whisked away at 26, and never get back in the game,....or they get so much baggage that they are never "good" again...That's just silly and the numbers(divorce rates, etc) bear that out..

 

I'm glad things are working for you..and wish you continued success/.happiness..

 

TFY

Edited May 15, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[hotpotato]

Why go out of your way? Do you never leave the house? I would tell you to do the same thing I usually tell men to do. Talk to people. Br very open, even more friendly, and talk to all kinds of people you see. It is even easier for a woman to do than it is a man. That is far better than trying to be someone you aren't by hitting up clubs.

 

I just said i went to a festival. Many of the things i like to do are things people usually do with a spouse (go to movies, go out to eat). Hence is why i'd have to go out of my way to meet people. Festivals also attract a lot of people who are taken. There's not much left aside from trying to bump into people at malls and grocery stores or try clubs.

 

How do you know it's easier for women? I'd tried talking to more guys in the past, but it has blown up in my face several times. I think men have more of an impetus to talk bc they see women they are sexually attracted to.

[BluEyeL]

Late to this topic . One of my divorced girlfriends told me this exact same thing. All good men are taken in their 20s. When divorce happens it's usually the man's fault, he was no good. A woman would never let a good man go so the good guys don't divorce . So what's on the market it's the rejects that aren't datable and not worthy. She isn't dating. She's still lonely but she sees no way out.

 

I heard another one from an ex friend that was even worse: I'm not pretty enough to get the very few good looking men over 40 and most of them are ugly and therefore I won't date and stay alone.

 

Meanwhile I dated and found someone to love and marry . A divorced guy.

 

Is anyone perfect? No. Am I perfect ? No. But instead of sitting around mopping and theorizing why I won't get out there I just did it and I'm happier for it.

 

Yes people over 40, men and women have baggage but also love is different now and we are wiser. I think love is deeper and more aware. The biggest flaw of that argument is in the premise that women are the good ones always. Women are people and not perfect . Two people who marry yozing can evolve differently and end up having nothing in common. Neither one is bad, people can just become incompatible.

[BluEyeL]

I do have my own bias about the never married men, especially if things also corroborate with other signs. I just think that if a woman is dating with the goal of getting married and meets a man who is way into his 40s and never married, she might have a higher chance to waste her time. Because why would she be so special? The guy is datable but a higher risk of not committing.

[thefooloftheyear]

Late to this topic . One of my divorced girlfriends told me this exact same thing. All good men are taken in their 20s. When divorce happens it's usually the man's fault, he was no good. A woman would never let a good man go so the good guys don't divorce . So what's on the market it's the rejects that aren't datable and not worthy. She isn't dating. She's still lonely but she sees no way out.

 

 

It's just textbook "sour grapes" on their part, IMO...

 

Guys do it, too...in a different way, but they do it...

 

TFY

[Chilli]

To find a good man you have to be a good woman and vice-versa

 

This is exactly right. There's a fkload of complaining women out there but they never seem look at themselves.

Yknow , good men go for equally good women especially if it's his second time round, the blinkers are off and believe me he can spot all the bs from 100 paces with one eye closed.

 

lt's really, reaaalllyy, hard to find a good women to yaknow. Think , now this is in RL not internet or forums, l've maybe met 2 since l was divorced 4yrs ago.

The rest , pretty scary in one way or another and often in 10 ways.

 

And gone are the days of just because your a female , it's assumed your mother Teressa and butter wouldn't melt in your mouth.

Women leave just as many good men and men do good women, believe me l was in a divorce forum for 2yrs and you would cringe at some of the things women did.

Believe me , it's all out these days and women are no better than men , the percentages all round are exactly the same and most men know that. Matter of fact l'd say from what l've seen women are actually worse than men these days tbh l'm sorry to say and l wouldn't trust a women any more than a guy, not a hope in hell, maybe less l think.

 

And so does this mean that if she's never been married she's not married worthy or there's something wrong with her.?

These are things guys face to ya know, second time round meeting women in their 40s because there's quite a high percentage of women out there never married too.

Some seem like gorgeous giRls just unlucky in love but others l could tell them in one second why they never got married and l could tell her that she never will get married because a guy will see the same things l see.

And l know guys never married too and l could say exactly the same for them in bothe good and bad.

It all goes both ways and this is something women don't realize .

 

My conclusion after going through divorce and seeing what the world is these days , is that it's all 50 50, right through, right across the board from sex to marriage there's the exact equivalent in both women and men there's no free ride for anyone anymore.

Edited May 15, 2017 by Chilli

[hotpotato]

This is exactly right. There's a fkload of complaining women out there but they never seem look at themselves.

Yknow , good men go for equally good women especially if it's his second time round, the blinkers are off and believe me he can spot all the bs from 100 paces with one eye closed.

 

lt's really, reaaalllyy, hard to find a good women to yaknow. Think , now this is in RL not internet or forums, l've maybe met 2 since l was divorced 4yrs ago.

The rest , pretty scary in one way or another and often in 10 ways.

 

And gone are the days of just because your a female , it's assumed your mother Teressa and butter wouldn't melt in your mouth.

Women leave just as many good men and men do good women, believe me l was in a divorce forum for 2yrs and you would cringe at some of the things women did.

Believe me , it's all out these days and women are no better than men , the percentages all round are exactly the same and most men know that. Matter of fact l'd say from what l've seen women are actually worse than men these days tbh l'm sorry to say and l wouldn't trust a women any more than a guy, not a hope in hell, maybe less l think.

 

And so does this mean that if she's never been married she's not married worthy or there's something wrong with her.?

These are things guys face to ya know, second time round meeting women in their 40s because there's quite a high percentage of women out there never married too.

Some seem like gorgeous giRls just unlucky in love but others l could tell them in one second why they never got married and l could tell her that she never will get married because a guy will see the same things l see.

And l know guys never married too and l could say exactly the same for them in bothe good and bad.

It all goes both ways and this is something women don't realize .

 

My conclusion after going through divorce and seeing what the world is these days , is that it's all 50 50, right through, right across the board from sex to marriage there's the exact equivalent in both women and men there's no free ride for anyone anymore.

 

Like what kinds of things?

 

I had a teacher who said marriage is 100/100 not 50/50. She's been married for a long time. She says both people have to give it their all.

[bluefeather]

lt's really, reaaalllyy, hard to find a good women to yaknow. Think , now this is in RL not internet or forums, l've maybe met 2 since l was divorced 4yrs ago.

The rest , pretty scary in one way or another and often in 10 ways.

 

Thanks for the chuckle. Pretty scary indeed...

[William]

As a reminder, this thread is about all good men being taken by their early 20's, not about 'scary' women encountered later in life. Threads are free. Use them, but stick to the topic. Thanks!

[bluefeather]

I do agree with Chilli about 50/50 in a way. What I took from that is that the same topic could be said about women. But I don't agree with the main statement. I don't believe all good men or women are taken by their early 20s. I just think it is harder for most people to find love in their later years.

[thefooloftheyear]

I do agree with Chilli about 50/50 in a way. What I took from that is that the same topic could be said about women. But I don't agree with the main statement. I don't believe all good men or women are taken by their early 20s. I just think it is harder for most people to find love in their later years.

 

 

Maybe it's harder, because most people in their early years really don't know what defines them....What are the things they can and can't live with, etc??..So they just nail down someone without any deep thought...I think for women its the whole gala event, the diamond ring, white dress, bridal party, etc...And the more their friends get hitched, the more pressure builds...For guys, it may be that they think a pair of breasts and a vagina in the bed every night is all that matters in life,. and everything else is A-OK...

 

It's not until you have some miles on you, experience life and different relationships and trials of life...Fail and succeed, that you get a good idea what will ultimately make you happy...

 

So I don't think options necessarily become less, just that there are just way more boxes to check off, and idealism doesn't factor in as much...

 

TFY

Edited May 15, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[unicorn_with_baggage]

Generally speaking those great guys that are snapped up in their early 20's are going to be available for round two in their mid thirties. Have you seen the divorce rate? If you're willing to take on step kids that will probably hate you you've got a shot!

[hotpotato]

Generally speaking those great guys that are snapped up in their early 20's are going to be available for round two in their mid thirties. Have you seen the divorce rate? If you're willing to take on step kids that will probably hate you you've got a shot!

 

Oh yes, the child who hates you. btdt.Tha'ts the most wonderful kind of baggage.

[unicorn_with_baggage]

Oh yes, the child who hates you. btdt.Tha'ts the most wonderful kind of baggage.

 

I'm 34 and I still secretly hate the woman my father left us for. Because of this I refuse to date people with kids. I'm no one's wicked troll of a stepmother.

[unicorn_with_baggage]

Ah, but then you run into the problem many have already spoken of in this thread; those guys have serious baggage. Not just those spiteful kids, either. Most divorced guys I know are carrying around a lot of emotional baggage from their divorce. They don't trust women. This is part of the reason so many guys in their 30's are just after a good time, but never commit. I know, because I was one of them, albeit briefly.

 

Yeah same for the ladies. I have to be honest though I'm stoked to be free. No regrets and no bitterness. Not all men are like my ex. The next one will be much nicer. I have learned some valuable life lessons from him and for that I am grateful.

[Chilli]

All l meant by 50 50 is that most of the same things go both ways right through whether your male or female, or there's an equivalent of that same thing in some other way for either.

And see above there is the same again. l'd never trust a mate around my women either, not really. And l wouldn't trust her around him either if they're around each other too often.

Best friends for either are one of the most common betrayal of all, that stuff is so damn tricky l reckon.

[hotpotato]

Enigma,

Im not a hermit. Im not sure what you think i do. I already go to malls (another place where a lot of people are there with the spouse), bookstores, etc. I havent had the best luck with trying to be friendly. Last time i did, a guy tried to make me have sex with him in the mall. Also, being friendly has gotten me stalked several times. I used to hang around bookstores a lot. The guys who got in me are usually 50 and up.

[Blanco]

I believe, men, especially, are at the point where having a LTR is not under their radar in the near term. They just go out of a LTR that ended miserably, why would they want to rush into something LTR and monogamous? With all the responsibilities that resume with their previous relationship, it is very difficult for many men to consider having to take care of another child or lady whose own finances or social life only adds to his own misery. I can see why so many men are not knocking down the door for the next LTR, monogamous relationship.

 

This hasn't really been my observation. Sure, there are some guys out there who wanna sow their wild oats. Mostly, though, men are creatures of habits, and while divorce can generate some bitterness and some gun-shyness, I have noticed that men of that age (say, forties and up) tend to want to lock in to another LTR sooner than later.

 

Whether they are emotionally ready for it or not is another debate, but it seems like a lot of these guys are just searching for something to replicate that sense of comfort that they felt with their marriage, even if objectively, their marriage wasn't so great.

 

And since you've got women mostly initiating divorce, you've got a crop of guys who have now gotten accustomed to the presumed security of marriage/LTR and are feeling inferior because they've been discarded by their partner.

 

Subsequently, you've got guys latching on to the first semi-suitable candidate who comes along. And because new relationships are almost infinitely better than the latter stages of a relationship that failed, they've got the added perception that THIS relationship is sooooo much better than their last.

[Gr8fuln2020]

This hasn't really been my observation. Sure, there are some guys out there who wanna sow their wild oats. Mostly, though, men are creatures of habits, and while divorce can generate some bitterness and some gun-shyness, I have noticed that men of that age (say, forties and up) tend to want to lock in to another LTR sooner than later.

 

Whether they are emotionally ready for it or not is another debate, but it seems like a lot of these guys are just searching for something to replicate that sense of comfort that they felt with their marriage, even if objectively, their marriage wasn't so great.

 

And since you've got women mostly initiating divorce, you've got a crop of guys who have now gotten accustomed to the presumed security of marriage/LTR and are feeling inferior because they've been discarded by their partner.

 

Subsequently, you've got guys latching on to the first semi-suitable candidate who comes along. And because new relationships are almost infinitely better than the latter stages of a relationship that failed, they've got the added perception that THIS relationship is sooooo much better than their last.

 

I hear you blanco. I really believe that men do not initiate divorce b/c they have more to lose (perceived or reality). I believe that men are just as aware of the dysfunctional nature of the relationship, but make greater efforts to remains to minimize the damage that divorce would place on them. I truly believe that men, for a number of reasons, are equally yearning for some form of separation or divorce, but they see little to no incentive to pull the trigger.

 

You could be right, but I hear far too often how men, especially, are the ones not looking for LTR.

[mightycpa]

I don't know about everybody else, but I was a lot better single man at 30 than 20.

[Timshel]

Trust me, I know The girl I am dating now was cheated on by her ex husband, and she goes to serious lengths to protect herself from that sort of thing now. So far as to make sure that none of her friends are attractive, and she doesn't bring them around me, ever. One of her nice looking friends told her I was attractive a few weeks ago, before she knew her and I were dating, and her friendship took a bit of a dive after that. Now she is worried that other girl will hit on me, and her experience based on her marriage tells her I won't say no. She hasn't told me all of these things, but I can see her doing it.

 

Jeez enigma, really? Good luck.