All good men taken by their early 20s?

[JuneL]

Actually, it sounds like they are meeting the right women. Lest they would fall back on their tried and trued response of not having time for a relationship. Who knows if they will marry. Marriage doesn't have to be the end goal. If I ever "had to understand that their career was the top priority" I would be in a dead run in the opposite direction of that relationship, but that's just me.

 

That's why they got married late, because not many women would be so "understanding"

[JuneL]

Very true, but ideally you need to make sure you and your family are fed, housed, safe, and educated too. That all costs a fortune. Hopefully there are men out there with enough sense to bust their asses and take set themselves up before they have a relationship and kids, and then start investing in those relationships once there's stable ground. In my opinion that's much better than getting married and having kids before you're secure. I imagine a lot of relationships have been ruined over money and uncertainty. In my opinion it's best to work to avoid that whole can of worms ahead of time and then just enjoy your life and relationships once you've reaped the rewards and your wife/kids have what they need.

 

What if you meet a woman who sweeps you off your feet, way before you are done building your career and securing enough fortune?

[Spring23]

Boy, I'm not in my 20's or 30's, I'm in my 40's.

 

Me too. Don't you know 40 is the new 20? Or is that saying so last year?

 

 

In any case OP: Some of the good men are taken and some are available. It only makes sense.

[Spring23]

This would depend on what type of marriage people are looking for. Not everyone wants a traditional marriage of the male working and the female, a domestic housewife. Not everyone wants kids anymore.

 

My fiance and I are academics who don't want children.

 

I have a Masters and no longer work outside the home. I'm a dedicated SAHW and my only child is my little dog.

 

You can be both an academic and a traditional housewife.

 

So what does this have to do with the OP's quandary?

 

It means life is complex. Plus, nobody is "all-good" or "all-bad."

 

An "all-good man" doesn't exist so you probably won't meet him. But you can meet a "mostly good man." And you will.

Edited April 19, 2017 by Spring23

[curiouslysearching]

why would anyone put conditions/parameters on when or who or how old

someone is when it comes down to finding LOVE....when you find someone

that you LOVE then nothing truly matters except WHAT TWO HEARTS BEATING AS ONE desire... you + her/him = a perfect combination

[Eternal Sunshine]

Out of all the happy and solid marriages I know, 100% of the couples met (not married but met) when they were both under 25.

[Silverstring]

Divorce rates are significantly higher amongst people that get married before they're 25. Our brains aren't even fully developed until we're 25. Marriages are more successful the later in life people have their first marriages.

 

 

When one looks at actual evidence, it's easy to see that the woman referred to in the OP is just bitter and this bitterness has her believing the opposite of what is actually true. Early 20s is the worst time to be choosing a lifelong partner.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Divorce rates are significantly higher amongst people that get married before they're 25. Our brains aren't even fully developed until we're 25. Marriages are more successful the later in life people have their first marriages.

 

 

When one looks at actual evidence, it's easy to see that the woman referred to in the OP is just bitter and this bitterness has her believing the opposite of what is actually true. Early 20s is the worst time to be choosing a lifelong partner.

 

I said *met* not *married* before 25. I am a big believer in love. Not "choosing" a life partner as it in itself suggest some kind of strategy. That's what happens more and more as people get older. It becomes a game of manipulation and catches. Happiest relationships and marriages are based on strong mutual chemistry and connection that defies logic.

 

Pragmatic marriages may last longer but longer is not necessarily happier or better. In fact, since pragmatic marriages are based on low passion, there is usually less conflict and drama. Cheating may very well go undetected or be ignored since nobody really cares. Those marriages are primarily based on companionship, reproduction and satisfying society norms.

[Silverstring]

I said *met* not *married* before 25.

 

I'm assuming the people that married before they were 25 also met each before they were 25.

 

Happiest relationships and marriages are based on strong mutual chemistry and connection that defies logic.

 

Well it doesn't really defy logic. Mutual attraction and compatibility (similar core values etc.) make a lot of sense to me too. Very logical.

 

Pragmatic marriages may last longer but longer is not necessarily happier or better.

 

Well it's not a zero sum game. People that are attracted to and feel passionate about people that make great lifelong partners are going to be happiest and have successful relationships. Unfortunately there are a lot of people that aren't really attracted to people that make great partners. They're attracted to a pretty face, or a slim body, or somebody who has a certain degree of career success, or charm. Those people will struggle more.

 

 

In fact, since pragmatic marriages are based on low passion, there is usually less conflict and drama.

 

Choosing somebody who is a good relationship partner should indeed cause less conflict and drama. Conflict and drama are signs of a bad relationship.

 

Cheating may very well go undetected or be ignored since nobody really cares.

 

This seems like an unsubstantiated claim, but is an interesting idea. Do you have evidence to back this up?

 

Those marriages are primarily based on companionship, reproduction and satisfying society norms.

 

Well I don't know about satisfying society norms, but long term relationships are definitely built on companionship. In fact, experts in the field most often cite friendship as being the most important quality in happy, long term relationships. Doesn't mean they're passionless.

Edited April 19, 2017 by Silverstring

[Spring23]

In fact, experts in the field most often cite friendship as being the most important quality in happy, long term relationships. Doesn't mean they're passionless.

 

This is true. Passion usually fades after the first couple of years and then attraction and great friendship remain.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Most of the people I associated with (and I mean the VAST majority) didn't even have marriage or settling down with one person on their mind at all in their early to mid 20s.

 

They were busy working on their career or dreams, and having fun going out.

 

There was one guy we knew who was dating a woman he met in college, and they dated throughout their 20s and did end up marrying, but he was the exception.

 

This was in NYC. YMMV in other locales/social circles.

 

They started looking for one person closer to age 30 and marrying around early to mid 30s.

Edited April 19, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[JustGettingBy]

From listening to my 40-something female friends talk, I've concluded this: good men* are usually taken. They occasionally become available but they get snatched up quickly since they have lots of options.

 

*Defining good men here to mean they are charming, attractive, relationship-minded, emotionally mature, physically healthy, and financially stable.

 

 

The fact that people think there's still a remotely large number of financially stable people in their 20's confuses me. Either they know the luckiest people on earth, or financially stable has been stretched to including thousands of dollars of debt.

[normal person]

What if you meet a woman who sweeps you off your feet, way before you are done building your career and securing enough fortune?

 

Then you make a personal decision. Odds are you can meet a girl who's willing to let you have time to do what you need to do to better your lives in the long run. I'm sure my stance on it isn't the right prescription for everyone, but it's worked for me so far, or, I'm confident it will yield me the desired results eventually.

 

I've met women with whom I saw a serious future with, and in the end they didn't work. Looking back now, those breakups were blessings in disguise because if it had worked out, our lives would be overly complicated because I wouldn't be where I am and thus much less able to be the responsible boyfriend/husband/provider I can be now. The time I'd have otherwise invested in those relationships has been invested in myself and I feel like I will avoid a lot of problems in the future as a result. To me that's a much better strategy than marrying someone, basically just giving them your word that you'll do everything in your power to be a good husband, but then coming up short somehow (be it in within your control or not) and being in a serious predicament. That's basically what my friend did: he's been with his wife from age 20. Now married and 30, he's having a crisis for a variety of reasons, and it's awful because he's bound to someone else who agreed to marry him on the premise that he'd be a responsible husband (honest, ambitious, a good provider), and he's not doing particularly well at that. They entered into a relationship/marriage on speculation that it would be a good idea without doing their due diligence to consider what the future might hold or the implications of their decision. My strategy is to prepare yourself and work to be a great husband before you become one rather than enter a stressful situation where you merely promise to and then just cross your fingers and hope that you can.

 

Granted, there are extenuating circumstances. You might meet your person at an inconvenient time in your life. She might cut you some slack, she might not. It depends on the person, what you want, how you want to do it, etc. I won't lie and say there aren't times when I wonder if I'm screwing myself. I met an incredible, unbelievable "marriage material" woman in another city but I've probably lost her as I wasn't ready to relocate, and I didn't feel comfortable having her bet her whole future on me just yet. Did I make the right decision? I don't know. Someone else might've gone and been happy. I don't know if I would've.

 

But personally, I'd rather just set up a nice, secure future than deal with the stress of trying to build it while someone else was dependent on me at the same time. It seems so much appealing to be able to say to your wife "I did all the hard work already, we can enjoy life now," as opposed to "You're going to have to get a second job so we don't get foreclosed on." How emasculating. I couldn't live like that.

 

 

why would anyone put conditions/parameters on when or who or how old

someone is when it comes down to finding LOVE....

 

Because life is infinitely more complex than you make it out be. This is like saying "Why is there war? Why doesn't everyone just GET ALONG?"

 

Things just aren't that simple.

 

when you find someone

that you LOVE then nothing truly matters except WHAT TWO HEARTS BEATING AS ONE desire... you + her/him = a perfect combination

 

So if "nothing truly matters except what two beating hearts as one desire," why such a high divorce rate amongst people who claim to love each other? Sorry, but this sounds like fairy tale stuff for kids. Life isn't a Disney movie.

[Mysterio]

The titled could be revised to All Good People taken by early 20's.

 

From what I have seen. The only thing that my friends that got married in their mid 20's have over a lot of people is that the Ex's and kids thing do not factor in their lives as much.

 

If I date. There is a strong posibility that I will meet a woman that has an Ex and kids from a former relationship. I have a friend DT and he has his GF still legally attached to her Ex. She just gave birth to his second child. Them being a couple with her other kids and two new borns pretty much. I see him as stressed.

 

I tend to think that something great is coming for me. As long as I don't mess it up, by trying to force love and situations that may not be the best for me.

[SwordofFlame]

I have no doubt that men that normal person describes are out there, but there aren't that many. Most men don't pay a price for getting married and having kids while simultaneously climbing the corporate ladder. They're not viewed unfavorably because of that. It's women that pay a price in career advancement when they have kids.

 

The problem are women that want their men to spend more time with them instead of investing that time in their careers. It really comes down to personal preferences. Most of the time, you do have to trade off money/career success for more free personal time. People need to decide what the right balance is for them and their partner.

[NJ123]

Well, what type of guy are you exactly trying to get? If you're trying to get the typical good looking guy with great hair, tall, great job, etc. than you'll likely be waiting a really long time unless you're really good looking yourself. It comes down to what your standards are in terms of how difficult it would be for you to meet a good guy since you can easily go on online dating & get tons of dates as a woman with good guys. It's just a lot of them are unfortunately cast aside for shallow reasons whether it's not being good looking enough, not tall, not good enough job etc. That's what I saw for myself on those sites anyway.

Edited April 19, 2017 by NJ123

[GunslingerRoland]

The fact that people think there's still a remotely large number of financially stable people in their 20's confuses me. Either they know the luckiest people on earth, or financially stable has been stretched to including thousands of dollars of debt.

 

I don't want to take this too far off topic, but it varies greatly regionally. A few years ago, where I live, a combination of plentiful high wage labor jobs and low housing prices made a lot of "financially stable" early 20 somethings. Then houses went up, oil went down, and many of them squandered what they had made, but I'm sure you can find other places right now where there are similar booms.

[Mysterio]

The physical wears off slightly over the long haul.

 

We all have to get over the looks thing. As long as they are not letting themselves go. I think we should all relax on looks. A couple that has been together 50 yrs. Are they really going to be all over each other and try to have sex non stop. I doubt it. You trade in hot sex and the buzz for other things. Like being content and relxed around each other. Still have love but it evolves.

 

People age and there is nothing you can do about it. Not everyone can be hot and sexy all the time. Different looks bring out things in people.

 

When I look at the woman I am attracted to. I don't want to just feel pure lust and its all about Sex. I want a woman that I feel well rounded with. She is Beautiful inside and out. A woman I can be proud of that cares for me.

[Blanco]

Well, what type of guy are you exactly trying to get? If you're trying to get the typical good looking guy with great hair, tall, great job, etc. than you'll likely be waiting a really long time unless you're really good looking yourself. It comes down to what your standards are in terms of how difficult it would be for you to meet a good guy since you can easily go on online dating & get tons of dates as a woman with good guys. It's just a lot of them are unfortunately cast aside for shallow reasons whether it's not being good looking enough, not tall, not good enough job etc. That's what I saw for myself on those sites anyway.

 

Haha, I was reading this and waiting for height to get mentioned. Welcome back!

[Cookiesandough]

Out of all of the happy and solid marriages I know, 100% of the couples met (not married but met) when they were both under 25.

 

Same here. Not all for me, but the majority(my parents both met and had me VERY late in life and are happy). Which is why the what the wo said probably affected me so much. Few points.

 

-You can totally build a career and have a relationship. Many people I know ( including my parents lol) were in stable, healthy relationships and went on their career journies together. You might even be more successful when you have the support of another person, if it's the right person.

 

 

- There is a difference between getting married before 25 and meeting before that. Also remember that "before 25" statistic includes teenagers who marry. After 25, the likelihood of divorce drops by over 50%. So you meet your partner at 20 in college, date and build your career, maybe cohabitate a bit(this used to be bad, but it's changing) and get married at 26 (if you want) and you're safe from this stat

 

 

- Talking statistics, earlier marriage is correlated with more marital satisfaction. When asked if you are happy in your relationship, you're more likely to say yes. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3437253/

From that abstract: "The greatest indicated likelihood of being in an intact marriage of the highest quality is among those who married at ages 22-25" I believe the same goes for partnering

 

 

 

-It's easier for both genders to meet new people when younger. And meet people like them. People are sort of forced more social with your peers. There's never a time where you come into contact with with more people who are possibly like you.

Edited April 19, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[normal person]

I have no doubt that men that normal person describes are out there, but there aren't that many. Most men don't pay a price for getting married and having kids while simultaneously climbing the corporate ladder. They're not viewed unfavorably because of that. It's women that pay a price in career advancement when they have kids.

 

True, most won't pay a price, but things might not always be as easy as they could be otherwise. I guess I keep thinking of my one friend who invested so much free time into his relationship and neglected to do other things that might benefit or satisfy him down the road, now him and his wife are paying the price because he's not the best man he could be. He's lazy, he's unambitious, he's not honest, he's not a good provider, that's all very emasculating and it's taking it's toll on him. He was "taken" in his early 20s and he's shown himself now to be not a very "good" man at all.

 

On the contrary, another friend of mine busted his ass and went to pharmacy school, got a job, bought a house, then found his wife and got married at age 29. Unlike our other friend, he and his wife are incredibly happy together and their life is very easy and simple. He had all his personal and professional issues sorted out before trying to add someone else into the mix to complicate them.

 

I guess I just sort of resent the statement that "all good men are taken in their early 20s" because guys in their early 20s are hardly even "men." A woman often can't know how that man will turn out. It's just a guess and a gamble. Rather than roll the dice on one of those guys, if I were a girl I'd have my targets set on a guy who's a little bit older but already stable, secure, and successful -- a "man," not a boy. Those guys are winning lottery tickets for those girls. Young guys are tickets yet to be scratched off, they can very well be losing tickets.

[Spring23]

-It's easier for both genders to meet new people when younger. And meet people like them. People are sort of forced more social with your peers. There's never a time where you come into contact with with more people who are possibly like you.

 

That's true because of College, parties and clubbing. All of this happens from late teens to about 26.

 

It's probably is harder to meet someone if you're no longer doing the above. But it still happens.

[Silverstring]

Talking statistics, earlier marriage is correlated with more marital satisfaction. When asked if you are happy in your relationship, you're more likely to say yes. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3437253/

From that abstract: "The greatest indicated likelihood of being in an intact marriage of the highest quality is among those who married at ages 22-25" I believe the same goes for partnering

 

Very good article, and to be clear the researchers didn't say the reason for this is that there are no good men left after the age of 25. There were a number of reasons suggested though. One such reason is that people are much more flexible in their 20s so have a chance to "grow together". When you have been more independent you get set in your ways and therefore are looking for someone who fits you and that is much tougher to find.

 

Another reason given for the lack of satisfaction in people who married older is that the reason they waited is because they were holding out for "perfect". Of course perfect doesn't exist, so it is the person's own unrealistic expectations that lead to marital dissatisfaction rather than a poor marriage or partner.

 

But also, more marriages do end before the age of 25, so of those relatively few that do last, they tend to be happier. Very interesting read.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Interesting. I didn't read the entire study, but is a successful relationship one that lasts until death, until the children are adults? When they reach a certain age or anniversary?

 

ALL of the people in those studies are from another time and place. Non-digital, electronic age and far less mobile. My parents were married for 25+ years before they divorced. The combination of society pressures and other issues lead to their break-up. Societal pressures that rarely, if ever existed when our parents (I'm in my 40s) were dating, settling down and having children. They certainly had far fewer temptations to deal with as they were not as transient nor bombarded by the easier access. I also am not certain as I didn't read the study whether the cross-section of the participants were in terms of demographics, financial status, etc. Sorry if I missed that.

 

I find it interesting that those getting involved in their twenties was a defining indicator of marital success. Back in the day, women had fewer options, expectations. Much easier to be stuck, dependent upon a relationship, happy or not, when you don't have much of a choice. Just saying.

[Mysterio]

Here is what I am looking for and you all tell me if this is out of scope in reality.

 

I am a Black Male. 46. I live in a Condo. I am 20 minutes away from Work. I work out. Go to Music concerts. Local gigs/Movies/travel. I like Interesting Conversations and Laughs.

 

What I am looking for if I can get it. A woman that takes care of herself and basically loves herself, with room for improvement. She enjoys interesting conversations and laughs. She is warm, sweet, sharp, adorable. More girl next door type. Very affectionate and is striving to do good in this world.

 

Thats it. I don't think my ideal choice is over the top. If I had to use a Movie character. Think Renee Zelweger in Jerry McGuire. That is my ideal type personality wise.

 

Physical looks is all over the place. I guess if I could control it. I like a woman. Black/White/Latino/Oriental that strives to look cute and I think I prefer short girls with curves. Not super heavy, but not toothpick thin either.