All good men taken by their early 20s?

[Herbalist]

Almost everyone has some at least an issue or two. There are different types of issues. Some types of issues actually make someone more likely to have many relationships before they are 30, while some types of issues are more likely to lead to no relationship before they are 30. And then of course some issues can go under the radar throughout one or two long term relationships as well. And just so and so forth.

 

I think that what matters more is what sorts of issues are you okay with and what sorts of issues might go well with your own as opposed to exacerbating each other. Like when you look at someone's strengths and issues and then compare them to your own sets. Then also what issues are you definitely not okay with. It's different for different people.

 

Not really right vs wrong but more so just a matter of knowing yourself, being honest with yourself about what you are really not okay with, working it into your boundaries, having realistic expectations, etc.

 

Like here is an example of two possible issues: controlling OCD clean freak vs a really messy and unorganized person. Most people will have neither of those issues, but some people have one or the other. A really messy/unorganized person would be fine with me if they had certain qualities I personally value a lot. But I could never tolerate a controlling OCD clean freak. Some people would say the complete opposite.

[JuneL]

Here is what I am looking for and you all tell me if this is out of scope in reality.

 

I am a Black Male. 46. I live in a Condo. I am 20 minutes away from Work. I work out. Go to Music concerts. Local gigs/Movies/travel. I like Interesting Conversations and Laughs.

 

What I am looking for if I can get it. A woman that takes care of herself and basically loves herself, with room for improvement. She enjoys interesting conversations and laughs. She is warm, sweet, sharp, adorable. More girl next door type. Very affectionate and is striving to do good in this world.

 

Thats it. I don't think my ideal choice is over the top. If I had to use a Movie character. Think Renee Zelweger in Jerry McGuire. That is my ideal type personality wise.

 

Physical looks is all over the place. I guess if I could control it. I like a woman. Black/White/Latino/Oriental that strives to look cute and I think I prefer short girls with curves. Not super heavy, but not toothpick thin either.

 

This thread is about meeting the one by early 20s. Have you been married/divorced before? What is your desired age range?

[Woggle]

Plenty of men over 40 would make great partners but the ones who manage to stay single for a long period of time don't put up with crap. They don't follow women who mistreat them around like puppy dogs and they know what works and doesn't work in relationships. Men in their 20s are more eager to please instead of making somebody earn it. This isn't counting the older men who just can't be alone but they barely stay single for even a year anyway.

[Spring23]

Here is what I am looking for and you all tell me if this is out of scope in reality.

 

I am a Black Male. 46. I live in a Condo. I am 20 minutes away from Work. I work out. Go to Music concerts. Local gigs/Movies/travel. I like Interesting Conversations and Laughs.

 

What I am looking for if I can get it. A woman that takes care of herself and basically loves herself, with room for improvement. She enjoys interesting conversations and laughs. She is warm, sweet, sharp, adorable. More girl next door type. Very affectionate and is striving to do good in this world.

 

Thats it. I don't think my ideal choice is over the top. If I had to use a Movie character. Think Renee Zelweger in Jerry McGuire. That is my ideal type personality wise.

 

Physical looks is all over the place. I guess if I could control it. I like a woman. Black/White/Latino/Oriental that strives to look cute and I think I prefer short girls with curves. Not super heavy, but not toothpick thin either.

 

You've just described like a million women. Go to Sephora.

[OatsAndHall]

Things to consider:

 

1. Nearly half of marriages end in divorce. So, right now, you can flip a coin every time you see a married couple and make a solid guess as to whether they stay married or not..

 

2. The average age of divorce is 37 years old. So, chances are that those guys in their 20's that are taken will be back on the market within ten years.

 

So, you're seeing a lot more single people pop up in their late 30's and early 40's. Many men and women out there (myself included) that have just made poor choices in life with respect to dating, marriage and life in general. And, now we're trying to learn from those mistakes and move on. My last girlfriend was in her late twenties, had been in long term relationships before but she was immature with respect to many things in life, including out relationship. It seemed like a perfect relationship, on paper, but it didn't work out because she didn't have enough experience in life to learn from.

 

I have a high level of education, a professional career and but I still have some baggage that I'm working through as divorce does that. It doesn't spill into relationships though. As far as finances go, never underestimate how much debt a divorce can put someone in. The debt that you have when you're married is perfectly manageable with two incomes but it can become a nightmare when you're single. My credit score is fine but it is going to take me another two years to dig myself out of this hole.

[Els]

I do think that, realistically, it gets more difficult to meet good partners in your 40s and perhaps even 30s. This is simply because, statistically, there are more single people in their 20s than in their 30s or 40s.

 

None of this means "ALL" of them are taken. Clearly, people meet good partners all the time - I know ladies who met their partner in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even beyond.

[Mysterio]

My Age Range to date for me would be 33 to 48 I guess. I have never been married. None of my friends got married until mid to late 20's.

 

To me just by observation. The Friends that stayed home to marriage. They all have stable love lives/Marriage. The Friends that moved out from their parental home. Nothing but Drama. No matter how educated they were. I don't know why that is.

 

So this early 20's thing that is a I guess a safe bet. I don't think so. I think it better when a man/woman are late 20's. Some experience in life and at least a couple of yrs out from mom/dad's thumb. Late 20's is better for the most part and you have to really know your partner.

[Mysterio]

You can be a great person on paper. If there is not Sexual attraction. Then nothing can happen. At least under age 60. I don't know if people that are older how they do it. I think that people have to break out of their own personal bias when it comes to who they want as a romantic partner.

 

I find that more and more. I am leaning towards women that are kind hearted and less cold and aloof. No matter what she looks like. She is going to have to convey romantic interest in me and show warmth and kindness at the very minimum.

 

When I look at my women friends that live in the city. One is 66 the other two are 45 and 35. 66 is the one that is the most kind and warm to me. 45 is warm and kind and has a kid. 35 to me is striving to be warm and kind and is single.

 

I think that if she was single 66 would be the best bet. Followed by 45. 35 would have to start showing me a lot more warmth before I would make a move.

 

Perhaps we all have to acccept that within our lifespan on earth, before we transcend to the afterlife. A lot of us are going to have to through some other people before we find that one stable person.

 

For me. I keep getting this message from the universe. Chill and let a woman come to you. Thats the only way things have ever worked for me. Me being on the hunt never really works. No matter how cool I play it. I am not a ladies man so I have always basically let love find me.

[Spring23]

You can be a great person on paper. If there is not Sexual attraction. Then nothing can happen. At least under age 60. I don't know if people that are older how they do it. I think that people have to break out of their own personal bias when it comes to who they want as a romantic partner.

 

I find that more and more. I am leaning towards women that are kind hearted and less cold and aloof. No matter what she looks like. She is going to have to convey romantic interest in me and show warmth and kindness at the very minimum.

 

When I look at my women friends that live in the city. One is 66 the other two are 45 and 35. 66 is the one that is the most kind and warm to me. 45 is warm and kind and has a kid. 35 to me is striving to be warm and kind and is single.

 

I think that if she was single 66 would be the best bet. Followed by 45. 35 would have to start showing me a lot more warmth before I would make a move.

 

Perhaps we all have to acccept that within our lifespan on earth, before we transcend to the afterlife. A lot of us are going to have to through some other people before we find that one stable person.

 

For me. I keep getting this message from the universe. Chill and let a woman come to you. Thats the only way things have ever worked for me. Me being on the hunt never really works. No matter how cool I play it. I am not a ladies man so I have always basically let love find me.

 

So your age range is 33-66?

 

Well...nobody can say you're overly picky.

 

IMHO I think it's best to stick close to your own age for most compatibility: either four years younger or four years older.

 

Finding a partner is like finding a good job so you'll need to do some kind of planning.

[JuneL]

I would think mid-late 30s are the hardest for never married women who still want kids. When a woman reaches her 40s, there is no longer any biological clock pressure. Plus, realistically, someone in her 40s is more open to the idea of dating divorced dads (their kids also tend to be older).

 

I do think that, realistically, it gets more difficult to meet good partners in your 40s and perhaps even 30s. This is simply because, statistically, there are more single people in their 20s than in their 30s or 40s.

 

None of this means "ALL" of them are taken. Clearly, people meet good partners all the time - I know ladies who met their partner in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even beyond.

[JuneL]

Thanks for clarifying your age preference.

 

Do you also exhibit warmth and kindness to all these single women you mentioned?

 

You can be a great person on paper. If there is not Sexual attraction. Then nothing can happen. At least under age 60. I don't know if people that are older how they do it. I think that people have to break out of their own personal bias when it comes to who they want as a romantic partner.

 

I find that more and more. I am leaning towards women that are kind hearted and less cold and aloof. No matter what she looks like. She is going to have to convey romantic interest in me and show warmth and kindness at the very minimum.

 

When I look at my women friends that live in the city. One is 66 the other two are 45 and 35. 66 is the one that is the most kind and warm to me. 45 is warm and kind and has a kid. 35 to me is striving to be warm and kind and is single.

 

I think that if she was single 66 would be the best bet. Followed by 45. 35 would have to start showing me a lot more warmth before I would make a move.

 

Perhaps we all have to acccept that within our lifespan on earth, before we transcend to the afterlife. A lot of us are going to have to through some other people before we find that one stable person.

 

For me. I keep getting this message from the universe. Chill and let a woman come to you. Thats the only way things have ever worked for me. Me being on the hunt never really works. No matter how cool I play it. I am not a ladies man so I have always basically let love find me.

[anduina]

I have a Masters and no longer work outside the home. I'm a dedicated SAHW and my only child is my little dog.

Sure. 'Not everyone' doesn't translate to 'no one'.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Things to consider:

 

1. Nearly half of marriages end in divorce. So, right now, you can flip a coin every time you see a married couple and make a solid guess as to whether they stay married or not..

 

2. The average age of divorce is 37 years old. So, chances are that those guys in their 20's that are taken will be back on the market within ten years.

 

So, you're seeing a lot more single people pop up in their late 30's and early 40's. Many men and women out there (myself included) that have just made poor choices in life with respect to dating, marriage and life in general. And, now we're trying to learn from those mistakes and move on. My last girlfriend was in her late twenties, had been in long term relationships before but she was immature with respect to many things in life, including out relationship. It seemed like a perfect relationship, on paper, but it didn't work out because she didn't have enough experience in life to learn from.

 

I have a high level of education, a professional career and but I still have some baggage that I'm working through as divorce does that. It doesn't spill into relationships though. As far as finances go, never underestimate how much debt a divorce can put someone in. The debt that you have when you're married is perfectly manageable with two incomes but it can become a nightmare when you're single. My credit score is fine but it is going to take me another two years to dig myself out of this hole.

 

 

The problem is, that those divorced men carry a ton of baggage. I don't mean just the fact that they are divorced and have children. I mean the ex wives who are always going to have some level of jealousy towards you (often close to psychotic level actually), the emotional trauma and financial debt from the divorce, the children that are always going to instinctively dislike you because they will see you as an obstacle to their parents getting back together. Not to mention the various addictions they picked up to deal with emotional turmoil that comes from a marriage breakdown. Also, I never wanted kids of my own and now I am supposed to make all kinds of sacrifices for someone else's kids that secretly hate you anyway? No thanks. Those men were great catches in their 20s but not so much anymore.

 

For a woman like myself who has no debt, no ex husbands and low baggage, the prospect of paying for someone else's poor choices in life is not very appealing. Unless I am so in love that I am willing to walk through fire for them, I don't want to make those sacrifices. They only make my life worse so why should I? The other end of the coin are forever bachelors that are really players, live a frat boy lifestyle in their 40s and have no intention on settling down. I can't find men that match my level of baggage or even close and genuinely want a relationship. Seems like those men don't exist.

 

I truly think that 10 years from now, I will be one of those women that decided to just give up. I will say to people, in 2017 I finally had enough. I now haven't had a date in 10 years

Edited April 20, 2017 by Eternal Sunshine

[Mysterio]

I am warm and kind. I don't expect any heavy physical affection off the bat. I have lots of friends. My pics have me smiling. I am not overbearing and trying to force my presence on women. I am plesant and introspective.

 

I don't try to turn every interaction with a woman, into some kind of a romantic thing. I just feel that at age 46. I want more than a friendship with women. I want a romantic desire. When I was in my early 20s. All I cared about was getting out of school and getting a markaetable skill. Funny I had GF's then.

 

Like I keep saying. The less I take action of trying to aquire a GF. It seems like when it happens. I don't have to really work it as much.

 

My optimal situation is a woman that basically comes after me romantically and she is a good girl. Good in the sense that she has her head together and she strives to make the world around her a better place.

[blockrockinbeat74]

The problem is, that those divorced men carry a ton of baggage. I don't mean just the fact that they are divorced and have children. I mean the ex wives who are always going to have some level of jealousy towards you (often close to psychotic level actually), the emotional trauma and financial debt from the divorce, the children that are always going to instinctively dislike you because they will see you as an obstacle to their parents getting back together. Not to mention the various addictions they picked up to deal with emotional turmoil that comes from a marriage breakdown. Also, I never wanted kids of my own and now I am supposed to make all kinds of sacrifices for someone else's kids that secretly hate you anyway? No thanks. Those men were great catches in their 20s but not so much anymore.

 

For a woman like myself who has no debt, no ex husbands and low baggage, the prospect of paying for someone else's poor choices in life is not very appealing. Unless I am so in love that I am willing to walk through fire for them, I don't want to make those sacrifices. They only make my life worse so why should I? The other end of the coin are forever bachelors that are really players, live a frat boy lifestyle in their 40s and have no intention on settling down. I can't find men that match my level of baggage or even close and genuinely want a relationship. Seems like those men don't exist.

 

I truly think that 10 years from now, I will be one of those women that decided to just give up. I will say to people, in 2017 I finally had enough. I now haven't had a date in 10 years

 

Post-divorce, people aren't stuck in a time warp - debts get sorted, kids adapt, mature and grow up, ex-spouses have their own lives, life goes on.

 

As for 'poor choices' that's open for debate: I'm a contented single woman raising two children in peace, with a good social life, a good career and great support and may have a totally different perspective to you as to what constitutes a 'poor' life choice.

 

As for the OP, don't sweat it, especially at your age; it only takes one anyway .

[Mysterio]

So your age range is 33-66?

 

Well...nobody can say you're overly picky.

 

IMHO I think it's best to stick close to your own age for most compatibility: either four years younger or four years older.

 

Finding a partner is like finding a good job so you'll need to do some kind of planning.

 

Let me clean up my age range. 33 to 48. With me being 46. That would be my ideal age range. The women I talked about are my female friends. The 66 yr old is just a great woman. She is more of a fantasy thing in my head.

[Spring23]

The problem is, that those divorced men carry a ton of baggage. I don't mean just the fact that they are divorced and have children. I mean the ex wives who are always going to have some level of jealousy towards you (often close to psychotic level actually), the emotional trauma and financial debt from the divorce, the children that are always going to instinctively dislike you because they will see you as an obstacle to their parents getting back together. Not to mention the various addictions they picked up to deal with emotional turmoil that comes from a marriage breakdown. Also, I never wanted kids of my own and now I am supposed to make all kinds of sacrifices for someone else's kids that secretly hate you anyway? No thanks. Those men were great catches in their 20s but not so much anymore.

 

For a woman like myself who has no debt, no ex husbands and low baggage, the prospect of paying for someone else's poor choices in life is not very appealing. Unless I am so in love that I am willing to walk through fire for them, I don't want to make those sacrifices. They only make my life worse so why should I? The other end of the coin are forever bachelors that are really players, live a frat boy lifestyle in their 40s and have no intention on settling down. I can't find men that match my level of baggage or even close and genuinely want a relationship. Seems like those men don't exist.

 

I truly think that 10 years from now, I will be one of those women that decided to just give up. I will say to people, in 2017 I finally had enough. I now haven't had a date in 10 years

 

Maybe you should only date really cute younger men? Concentrate on your career, cool hobbies, traveling. Maybe marriage isn't for you. Now.

[Popsicle]

The problem is, that those divorced men carry a ton of baggage. I don't mean just the fact that they are divorced and have children. I mean the ex wives who are always going to have some level of jealousy towards you (often close to psychotic level actually), the emotional trauma and financial debt from the divorce, the children that are always going to instinctively dislike you because they will see you as an obstacle to their parents getting back together. Not to mention the various addictions they picked up to deal with emotional turmoil that comes from a marriage breakdown. Also, I never wanted kids of my own and now I am supposed to make all kinds of sacrifices for someone else's kids that secretly hate you anyway? No thanks. Those men were great catches in their 20s but not so much anymore.

 

For a woman like myself who has no debt, no ex husbands and low baggage, the prospect of paying for someone else's poor choices in life is not very appealing. Unless I am so in love that I am willing to walk through fire for them, I don't want to make those sacrifices. They only make my life worse so why should I? The other end of the coin are forever bachelors that are really players, live a frat boy lifestyle in their 40s and have no intention on settling down. I can't find men that match my level of baggage or even close and genuinely want a relationship. Seems like those men don't exist.

 

I truly think that 10 years from now, I will be one of those women that decided to just give up. I will say to people, in 2017 I finally had enough. I now haven't had a date in 10 years

 

Huh? What? I thought you just got out of a relationship not long ago?

 

 

But hearing you, I do think that maybe it's time for you to take breather or a break from dating.

 

 

Maybe if you decide to come back to dating later, you can just focus on men who are never married/no kids.

[Gr8fuln2020]

The problem is, that those divorced men carry a ton of baggage. I don't mean just the fact that they are divorced and have children. I mean the ex wives who are always going to have some level of jealousy towards you (often close to psychotic level actually), the emotional trauma and financial debt from the divorce, the children that are always going to instinctively dislike you because they will see you as an obstacle to their parents getting back together. Not to mention the various addictions they picked up to deal with emotional turmoil that comes from a marriage breakdown. Also, I never wanted kids of my own and now I am supposed to make all kinds of sacrifices for someone else's kids that secretly hate you anyway? No thanks. Those men were great catches in their 20s but not so much anymore.

 

For a woman like myself who has no debt, no ex husbands and low baggage, the prospect of paying for someone else's poor choices in life is not very appealing. Unless I am so in love that I am willing to walk through fire for them, I don't want to make those sacrifices. They only make my life worse so why should I? The other end of the coin are forever bachelors that are really players, live a frat boy lifestyle in their 40s and have no intention on settling down. I can't find men that match my level of baggage or even close and genuinely want a relationship. Seems like those men don't exist.

 

I truly think that 10 years from now, I will be one of those women that decided to just give up. I will say to people, in 2017 I finally had enough. I now haven't had a date in 10 years

 

I am with you ES!

 

I'm in my late-40s, two young children, no exes, no debt, great mini-van, rewarding career, fit/healthy lifestyle, saving for retirement and my children's college, plenty of money for travel/leisure and have an awesome family and friends with their shim-dip together!

 

I struggle to find ladies within my dating range 37-50 that resembles 'stability.' I find far too many women who have seriously neglected their education and financial standing and I will not risk being involved with such ladies.

[The_Thall_Man]

Here is what I am looking for and you all tell me if this is out of scope in reality.

 

I am a Black Male. 46. I live in a Condo. I am 20 minutes away from Work. I work out. Go to Music concerts. Local gigs/Movies/travel. I like Interesting Conversations and Laughs.

 

What I am looking for if I can get it. A woman that takes care of herself and basically loves herself, with room for improvement. She enjoys interesting conversations and laughs. She is warm, sweet, sharp, adorable. More girl next door type. Very affectionate and is striving to do good in this world.

 

Thats it. I don't think my ideal choice is over the top.

 

I'm with you, Mystero. After a bit of healthy diluting, what I'm looking for in a person really boils down to three simple bullets:

 

 

1. Someone who I find cute (and conversely finds me attractive).
   
2. Someone who's fun and friendly.
   
3. Someone who doesn't bring in stuff that will crap on my life / lifestyle.
   

That's it. Me thinks all the obsessing a lot of you seem to do over other details like age, race, taste in music, previous marriage, financial status, hair color, etc. is overthinking it... especially at the get-go. Heck, my M.O. is seemingly already asking too much if my recent (lack thereof) dating life is any indicator, but truth be told, I'd far rather be single than trade out any of the three above compatibility points.

Edited April 20, 2017 by The_Thall_Man

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm with you, Mystero. After a bit of healthy diluting, what I'm looking for in a person really boils down to three simple bullets:

 

 

1. Someone who I find cute (and conversely finds me attractive).
   
2. Someone who's fun and friendly.
   
3. Someone who doesn't bring in stuff that will crap on my life / lifestyle.
   

That's it. Me thinks all the obsessing a lot of you seem to do over other details like age, race, taste in music, previous marriage, financial status, hair color, etc. is overthinking it... especially at the get-go. Heck, my M.O. is seemingly already asking too much if my recent (lack thereof) dating life is any indicator, but truth be told, I'd far rather be single than trade out any of the three above compatibility points.

 

Depends on what YOU mean by 'financial status.' I mean someone who is fully and independently capable of supporter herself, her lifestyle and her children w/o wondering whether they'll be able to scrape up enough money to pay the rent or fix the car. Anyone who doesn't think that financial independence is something to disregard is looking for trouble.

[JuneL]

But there are plenty of educated professional women in that age range.

 

I thought people are done with their education in their 20s (even getting a Ph.D.). By neglecting their education, do you mean they didn't go to college when younger?

 

I am with you ES!

 

I'm in my late-40s, two young children, no exes, no debt, great mini-van, rewarding career, fit/healthy lifestyle, saving for retirement and my children's college, plenty of money for travel/leisure and have an awesome family and friends with their shim-dip together!

 

I struggle to find ladies within my dating range 37-50 that resembles 'stability.' I find far too many women who have seriously neglected their education and financial standing and I will not risk being involved with such ladies.

[curiouslysearching]

But there are plenty of educated professional women in that age range.

 

I thought people are done with their education in their 20s (even getting a Ph.D.). By neglecting their education, do you mean they didn't go to college when younger?

 

I am not sure that we EVER truly stop learning (being educated)

at least I hope not

[major_merrick]

I read something on another message board that was kind of sad to me. I would copy and paste it but it's like a debate they were having. Some woman was saying all good, intelligent, relationship worthy men are taken by their early 20s. She said if they're not taken by 20s they have some flaw..they work too much or have emotional issues, or commitment phobias, or are just generally not "relationship material". She said stay far away from guys who have never been in a serious rship by then.

 

She that the good guys that do get in long term relationships/married by then get divorced or breakup, and therefore back on the market are "seriously damaged" by what the girls they dated put them through. Because of this many have a very jaded view of women and become bitter in some way. She said women are more likely to bounce back afterwards and stay positive but good men usually won't leave until things are very bad and it messes up their view of women. She said avoid men over 40 (she's 40 something), not just the "spinsirs", but all because have too much "baggage" even if they were good guys. "There are no datable ones."

 

I don't want to believe this is true. I'm out of my early 20s and I don't see myself meeting a guy I like anytime soon. But when I look aroUnd, I do see that most of my family who have happy marriages got lucky with the right person married mid late 20s. Within my circle of family and friends, most are dating or married dating their college, high school sweethearts now. These are people coming from traditional 2 parent traditional households with no divorce and like very white picket fence upper middle class.

 

 

Any thoughts?

 

Not true. I know a very good man who is in his late 20's and would like a good wife. He's got a nice house, cars, no debt, and a solid job. His problem - he works too hard to have a decent social life and the women he does find don't seem to want to live in a rural area and are career-obsessed. I don't get it.... And I've even looked around for women in my area I could introduce him to, and I haven't found any.

 

This thing seems to work both ways. I suspect that the trick to finding someone is for both sexes to actually start having conversations. I hear stories all the time from both men and women, but especially men, that they find someone and the person just WON'T talk, won't meet, whatever. What gives?

[The_Thall_Man]

Depends on what YOU mean by 'financial status.' I mean someone who is fully and independently capable of supporter herself, her lifestyle and her children w/o wondering whether they'll be able to scrape up enough money to pay the rent or fix the car. Anyone who doesn't think that financial independence is something to disregard is looking for trouble.

 

Well, that was my perspective and not anyone else's, hence the 'I'm looking for...' part.

 

What I mean is, I'm personally not making any presumptions while I'm on the search for someone, or moreso, putting out there that someone has to be "at this-or-that financial" level. Someone up to their ears with irresponsible debt and/or without the disposable income to travel, explore, and live live (which is my lifestyle) would fall thoroughly under No.3: Bringing in stuff that will crap on my life / lifestyle.