All good men taken by their early 20s?

[bluefeather]

What a bunch of bull***** that sounds like. Damn girl, it's like every thread you start sounds as if you don't know wtf you're thinking. You sound lost as fudge. Do you have genuine friends? It doesn't seem like. By that I mean, if a friend of mine talked to me about some of things you do, I'd say "You and I are gonna order a pizza or some kind of really good food, and we're gonna talk about this thing called life until it makes sense, at least a little bit more for you."

 

Yes, there are a f*ck ton of people out there with emotional issues. I would dare to say that practically everyone here has them to some degree. But that does not make ANY of them or us unworthy of love. So forget anyone who says "all the good ones are taken." Some people are abused and still in relationships. They are not "good ones."

 

To say that all the "good ones" are taken by a certain age is like a statement made by someone who does not understand the way the world works.

[blockrockinbeat74]

All good men are taken

All childless people are self-centered

All divorced parents are broken

All never married people have issues

All single women over 35 are nutcases

All married couples are unhappy deep down

All SAHPs are lazy

All those who married young made a mistake

 

etc...

 

OP, as a general rule, beware of sentences starting with 'all' or its polite alternative, 'most'.

[d0nnivain]

I was 39 & my husband was 34 when we met. Neither of us had ever been married (although I was off the market living with somebody else for more than 10 years) & we did not have kids. We both felt the other was our unicorn.

 

 

It's easier to meet people when you are younger but it's not impossible as you age.

[Gaeta]

The woman that said that is going through her 'hate men' phase.

 

I had no problem dating from 45 to 50. Plenty of men available, plenty of good men too. It's just a matter of meeting one that you click with.

 

I am sure if we grilled the woman who said that we'd discover she rejected plenty of 'good men' just cause of silly reasons like his belt didn't match his shoes or too much gap between his front teeth.

 

Don't worry about anything. Two of my brothers found the 'love of their life' in their mid-30s and late 30s.

[Titanll]

It's statistically impossible for all good men to be taken. I think you shouldn't worry so much, honey.

 

And Cookie, if you are mid-20's, you shouldn't be worrying yet about what men in their 40's are like anyway. Date men your age and you'll be fine. Don't get ahead of yourself.

 

Wait now! I'm 41 and date in the 20s to 30s age range as a general rule. You and I need to have a talk Popsicle, haha!

 

Of course, most of my buddies that are my age are married and some are miserable. Not all mind you. Me, I was engaged to a wonderful woman. We never married for reasons beyond our control. I consider myself a great catch (may not be a surprise to anyone that have read my posts) and I date regularly and will continue to do so until I am ready to get married.

 

All good men taken by their early 20s is laughable.

[Popsicle]

Wait now! I'm 41 and date in the 20s to 30s age range as a general rule. You and I need to have a talk Popsicle, haha!

 

 

 

Boy, I'm not in my 20's or 30's, I'm in my 40's.

[CptInsano]

I consider myself a great catch (may not be a surprise to anyone that have read my posts) [...]

 

CptObvious, it's a pleasure to meet you.

[GunslingerRoland]

She said if they're not taken by 20s they have some flaw..

 

My first thought is that if you are looking for a flawless man, you'll fail. People aren't flawless, and if you go in with that expectation in dating, you'll suffer a lot of disappointment. If you meet someone and date them and they don't have any issues, you probably don't know them very well yet.

 

My second thought, is that the majority of couples I know in their 40's, 50's who are successful didn't meet before or during the man's early 20's. Most relationships these days aren't high school/college lovers. So unless the basic premise of this idea, is that there is only a minuscule # of good men in the world, and they are the ones that are in the high school and college relationships that last long term, then it doesn't really hold water.

[Titanll]

Boy, I'm not in my 20's or 30's, I'm in my 40's.

 

Well, now! I may have to expand my age range a bit for you Popsicle! My post was directed at your post suggesting that OP date someone her age. Within some reason (not sure how to define that) age should be irrelevant.

 

I see dating younger women as neither a benefit or a detriment. It is simply where I am successful, for lack of better terms.

 

I have a few 40 something buddies that are ex-military as I am and chose to not marry until they retired. These are handsome, fit guys with high integrity and the women that they date/marry will be fortunate to have them. Again, the suggestion that all good men are taken by their 20s is a silly notion.

[Popsicle]

Well, now! I may have to expand my age range a bit for you Popsicle! My post was directed at your post suggesting that OP date someone her age. Within some reason (not sure how to define that) age should be irrelevant.

 

I see dating younger women as neither a benefit or a detriment. It is simply where I am successful, for lack of better terms.

 

I have a few 40 something buddies that are ex-military as I am and chose to not marry until they retired. These are handsome, fit guys with high integrity and the women that they date/marry will be fortunate to have them. Again, the suggestion that all good men are taken by their 20s is a silly notion.

 

I guess we agree. And I'm a Patriot too.

[JuneL]

I partly agree with this.

 

I've indeed seen super ambitious guys who got married late because they wanted to focus on their extremely demanding and prestigious career (depending on the field, such a career may or may not generate lots of money). These guys might meet their dream woman during those young years when they put their absolute first priority on building their career, but they wouldn't compromise on their goals in order to pursue the woman.

 

On the other hand, if these guys happen to find someone who is very smart and ambitious herself, and who understands how important it is for the guy to build his super ambitious career and understands the sacrifices and compromises in their relationship, then it's possible for them to explore and grow together as a young couple (think Zuckerberg and his wife when they were in their 20s).

 

I haven't heard of Mark Cuban before. But I doubt his ex-girlfriend would necessarily regret giving him the ultimatum. If she's the kind of person who wouldn't want to go through all these sacrifices and compromises in their relationship during the most demanding period of Cuban's career, then she was making the right choice for herself.

 

 

The reason I'm 30 and not taken is because I wanted to build a successful business and be able to have the resources to provide everything necessary for my future wife and kids. That takes years of work. Being in a committed relationship would mean spending a ton of time that I could be working doing relationship stuff that would prevent me from getting those things done. Relatively soon I'll have a house paid for in full, a passive income stream large enough to support myself and my partner for the rest of our lives, our kids' education paid for, and my future wife won't have to work if she doesn't want to.

 

I have seen plenty of friends and others make the mistake of getting married or too committed before they have their lives figured out, before they know what the other person can really bring to the table, before all the problems that can be solved get solved, they're stuck with a person whose shortcomings they never fully considered, they're resentful, and their lives are not great. They're stressed out, they're dependent on paychecks and bank loans, they have mouths to feed -- it honestly sounds like a nightmare. I don't see how any man can not feel emasculated while owing people money, feeling stuck, or being dependent on someone else. It can be a recipe for disaster.

 

Conversely there are men out there who put themselves in a spot where they will never have such problems, and neither will their wives or kids. But as I said, it takes years of work. I'm 30 and just about ready to give a girl a life she could only dream of, and I'm sure there are plenty of other guys out there in similar spots. Women who claim that all the good ones are "taken" by their early 20s are being myopic, in my opinion. You don't know how "good" a man is at that age. And if you settle down with him that soon and he spends a good amount of time with you, that's time taken away from him being able to study, learn, perfect his craft, build his business, etc. He may never reach his full potential if he has to dedicate half of his 20s to building relationship equity rather than sweat equity, home equity, business equity, etc.

 

At one point before he sold broadcast.com, Mark Cuban's girlfriend gave him an ultimatum: "It's your business, or me." He said "What was your name again?"

 

Do you think that woman regrets giving him that ultimatum now? And do you think Mark's current wife is happy she waited to marry a man who can actually provide? I'm not saying every woman should wait and try to marry a billionaire. But at least give honest, hard-working men the time and chance to develop and do something incredible with their lives before you write them off. Hopefully if a guy is single into his late 20s or 30s, he's done something incredible with his time like advanced far up the corporate ladder, saved a lot of money, built a business, etc.

 

It's a total gamble wondering if a guy in his early 20s will ever be the man you want him to be, especially if he has to dedicate time he could be building something financially viable (like a business, a practice, a career) and spend it building a relationship. My friend is currently experiencing a crisis right now for that exact reason. He dedicated all his time to building his relationship and now at 30, he's realizing he and has wife aren't particularly happy, and he's stuck because he never had the foresight to spend his time bettering himself, earning an advanced degree, or figuring out what he really wanted, and he jumped into things with the wrong partner.

[Titanll]

I partly agree with this.

 

I've indeed seen super ambitious guys who got married late because they wanted to focus on their extremely demanding and prestigious career (depending on the field, such a career may or may not generate lots of money). These guys might meet their dream woman during those young years when they put their absolute first priority on building their career, but they wouldn't compromise on their goals in order to pursue the woman.

 

On the other hand, if these guys happen to find someone who is very smart and ambitious herself, and who understands how important it is for the guy to build his super ambitious career and understands the sacrifices and compromises in their relationship, then it's possible for them to explore and grow together as a young couple (think Zuckerberg and his wife when they were in their 20s).

 

I haven't heard of Mark Cuban before. But I doubt his ex-girlfriend would necessarily regret giving him the ultimatum. If she's the kind of person who wouldn't want to go through all these sacrifices and compromises in their relationship during the most demanding period of Cuban's career, then she was making the right choice for herself.

 

 

No way, no how should your career actually get in the way of love, marriage, etc. I can't even remotely imagine a situation where building one's career is exclusive of or to dating or marriage. This gibberish of "working on my career" so I have no time for a relationship is loosely translated as "I have not met the right person yet". There is no switch that turns on and off your desire to be in a relationship with another human.

[Popsicle]

No way, no how should your career actually get in the way of love, marriage, etc. I can't even remotely imagine a situation where building one's career is exclusive of or to dating or marriage. This gibberish of "working on my career" so I have no time for a relationship is loosely translated as "I have not met the right person yet". There is no switch that turns on and off your desire to be in a relationship with another human.

 

So what's the reason your military friends won't get married until they are retired?

[RecentChange]

ALL or MOST of the “good men” are taken by their early 20’s? Well, I met my husband in his early 20’s, my brother met his wife, my sister met her husband (okay late 20’s), out of my 5 life long girl friends, 4 met their husbands in their early 20’s – one has since divorced, and the other is chronically single…. So there are my anecdotes – in MY social circle, most of us met our spouses while college aged.

 

 

But - I am also a junkie for social statistics. So lets take a look….

 

The number of never married adults in the US is higher than it has ever been currently around 1 in 5 (20%) adults over the age of 25 have never been married (vs. 9% in 1960).

 

So look! More men available!

 

People are marrying later in life – the new average is 27 for women, and 29 for men – doesn’t seem like they are all snatched up by early 20’s given 29 is the AVERAGE – meaning for all the early 20’s there are guys in their 30’s getting married (vs. average of 20F and 23M in 1960).

 

So look! More time!

 

More fascinating facts here:

 

Record Share of Americans Have Never Married | Pew Research Center

[RecentChange]

You don't know how "good" a man is at that age. And if you settle down with him that soon and he spends a good amount of time with you, that's time taken away from him being able to study, learn, perfect his craft, build his business, etc. He may never reach his full potential if he has to dedicate half of his 20s to building relationship equity rather than sweat equity, home equity, business equity, etc.

 

It all depends on priorities as well.

 

What other life skills besides earning money does this mind set bring? How does he learn how to balance life and a relationship? What is his emotional IQ? To me, these are important to a mans potential not just how much is in his bank account.

 

I grew up among a number of wealthy families -not rich, wealthy. And many absentee fathers, because earning and maintaining that wealth became their first priority and focus. Sure, the family had the estate, the au pair, the horses, the boats, the frequent vacations, but they did not have close relationship and adoring parenting from their father.

 

I envied their money, but never envied the fathers my friends had.

 

My dad always had a very different philosophy. Work to live, never live to work. He emphasized education, and a work ethic, so that one could have the financial means to not cause undue stress, so that one would not have to live pay check to pay check - but also taught (and I learned for myself from the wealthy I knew) that money does not buy happiness.

 

Love creates happiness. Fulfilling interpersonal relationships create happiness. True appreciation for what you have, wonder in the beauty of the natural world, living life fully in the pursuit of joy - these are the things that bring happiness - not the pursuit of material wealth.

 

This may not be true for everyone, but personally, I am thankful that these were the values installed in me, and have allowed me to a very comfortable life full of love.

[JuneL]

Well, these guys (at least those few I personally knew anyway) still dated women and formed relationships with women, but these women had to understand that their career was the top priority.

 

For these guys, having the right timing is more important than meeting the right woman, as far as getting married is concerned. Again, this is my observation; I'm in no way endorsing their choice.

 

 

No way, no how should your career actually get in the way of love, marriage, etc. I can't even remotely imagine a situation where building one's career is exclusive of or to dating or marriage. This gibberish of "working on my career" so I have no time for a relationship is loosely translated as "I have not met the right person yet". There is no switch that turns on and off your desire to be in a relationship with another human.

[Titanll]

So what's the reason your military friends won't get married until they are retired?

 

You would certainly have to ask them that question but I will take a crack at the answer: I lump them right in there with anyone else that has uttered such a silly thing, haha! They were simply not dating or had not met the right woman. Simple as that, no deep thought required.

And to be clear, "they" (meaning all men and women that suffer through many deployments) get more of a pass than some computer coding dweeb that gets to go home every night. I was engaged while I was in. We met and I knew that I would continue to be deployed long and often. We agreed that we would date/marry regardless of how crappy the situation was.

 

We have gotten off topic a bit but I think the conversation is still relevant. Everyone has a right to choose that they are actively seeking a relationship or that they are not. But, in my opinion, all of that bs of not seeking a relationship will fly out of the window when you meet the right person.

 

Until you are in a committed relationship, it just seems silly to me to even say that a relationship is out of the question for most any reason.

[GorillaTheater]

Most of you are completely wrong. The best of the best were totally snatched up in their 20s. 21, to be exact.

[JuneL]

This is a great post. But if I understand normal person correctly, he doesn't intend to be an absent husband or absent father in the future. He only said that he has to marry late due to his super ambitious career; but once he has reached his goals in his early/mid 30s and his career doesn't require his undivided attention anymore, then he's going to be completely there for his future wife and future kids...

 

 

It all depends on priorities as well.

 

What other life skills besides earning money does this mind set bring? How does he learn how to balance life and a relationship? What is his emotional IQ? To me, these are important to a mans potential not just how much is in his bank account.

 

I grew up among a number of wealthy families -not rich, wealthy. And many absentee fathers, because earning and maintaining that wealth became their first priority and focus. Sure, the family had the estate, the au pair, the horses, the boats, the frequent vacations, but they did not have close relationship and adoring parenting from their father.

 

I envied their money, but never envied the fathers my friends had.

 

My dad always had a very different philosophy. Work to live, never live to work. He emphasized education, and a work ethic, so that one could have the financial means to not cause undue stress, so that one would not have to live pay check to pay check - but also taught (and I learned for myself from the wealthy I knew) that money does not buy happiness.

 

Love creates happiness. Fulfilling interpersonal relationships create happiness. True appreciation for what you have, wonder in the beauty of the natural world, living life fully in the pursuit of joy - these are the things that bring happiness - not the pursuit of material wealth.

 

This may not be true for everyone, but personally, I am thankful that these were the values installed in me, and have allowed me to a very comfortable life full of love.

[carhill]

Some woman was saying all good, intelligent, relationship worthy men are taken by their early 20s. She said if they're not taken by 20s they have some flaw..they work too much or have emotional issues, or commitment phobias, or are just generally not "relationship material".

 

Early 20's may be a stretch IMO but 20's, yeah, even now with generally extended learning and longer home stays, the guys who are attractive to women are 'off the market', either forever or, more likely, for a determinate period of time, since few relationships these days last for life.

 

She said stay far away from guys who have never been in a serious rship by then.

That's likely good advice because relationships, and the skills they require, like nearly anything in life, are acquired over time and through experience. Sure, some guys can go from zero to perfect right out of the box but they are more the exception than the rule and, if they exist they're 'off the market' the first time they exhibit stirrings of sexual desire, generally in the teen years.

 

 

 

She that the good guys that do get in long term relationships/married by then get divorced or breakup, and therefore back on the market are "seriously damaged" by what the girls they dated put them through.

IMO, the more experienced a man is, the less reverses will damage him. He has more experience with them, his response to them and movement on from them to other successful relationships. Again, it's the guys with little breadth of relationship experience that are riskier for negative outcomes.

Because of this many have a very jaded view of women and become bitter in some way.

IMO, hard to delineate between generally psychological traits and responses to specific experiences. The milieu is too complex to easily resolve. A professional psychologist likely would have better insight.

She said women are more likely to bounce back afterwards and stay positive but good men usually won't leave until things are very bad and it messes up their view of women.

I would opine that aspect is pretty equal opportunity but do give women the ostensible victory due to generally healthier social networks and networking skills, including the use of men to sympathize with them. Men tend to be stiff upper lip lone wolves and internalize and stuff comes out in often bizarre and sometimes anti-social ways.

She said avoid men over 40 (she's 40 something), not just the "spinsirs", but all because have too much "baggage" even if they were good guys. "There are no datable ones."

While I might not agree with the principle, I do see it in action as an older guy. However, that moves beyond the premise of all the 20's good guys being taken. It might be worth a look as a separate topic though.

 

I don't want to believe this is true. I'm out of my early 20s and I don't see myself meeting a guy I like anytime soon. But when I look aroUnd, I do see that most of my family who have happy marriages got lucky with the right person married mid late 20s.

Looking back many decades, I remember the 20's to be very dramatic with a lot of sky is falling stuff. Whether it be relationships, social strata, job stuff, health, vices, whatever, everything was supercharged. When I was that age, a man generally was a failure if he didn't have a wife and kids by 25. Heh, looking back though, everyone I knew was married with kids at that age or younger so perhaps it was more 'you're a failure because you're not one of us' then failure in the absolute sense of the word. Typical peer pressure of the immature mind stuff.

Within my circle of family and friends, most are dating or married dating their college, high school sweethearts now. These are people coming from traditional 2 parent traditional households with no divorce and like very white picket fence upper middle class.

Yeah, that was pretty common in my demographic, though far less common with their children and grandchildren, mainly due to socio-economic shifts and societal mobility.

 

 

Any thoughts?

IMO, you'll be fine. You have access to a world of young men. There's bound to be a few with whom you'll find mutual attraction and vision and style. 30 is a long way away, though it might seem like yesterday when you get to my age. It'll work out. Good guys are around for life. Sure, some, or even many, will engage in relationships for a period of time but it's rare now that, overall, any will be for life. If they're good guys, they'll be good guys no matter what time of life you meet. Sure, some will go south but then others who may not have met your definition of good guys will grow and change and be a better fit. Keep at it. Develop a sense of humor about it. In the long run I've found that helps more than anything, and in general.

[normal person]

It all depends on priorities as well.

 

What other life skills besides earning money does this mind set bring? How does he learn how to balance life and a relationship? What is his emotional IQ? To me, these are important to a mans potential not just how much is in his bank account.

 

Very true, but ideally you need to make sure you and your family are fed, housed, safe, and educated too. That all costs a fortune. Hopefully there are men out there with enough sense to bust their asses and take set themselves up before they have a relationship and kids, and then start investing in those relationships once there's stable ground. In my opinion that's much better than getting married and having kids before you're secure. I imagine a lot of relationships have been ruined over money and uncertainty. In my opinion it's best to work to avoid that whole can of worms ahead of time and then just enjoy your life and relationships once you've reaped the rewards and your wife/kids have what they need.

[RecentChange]

This is a great post. But if I understand normal person correctly, he doesn't intend to be an absent husband or absent father in the future. He only said that he has to marry late due to his super ambitious career; but once he has reached his goals in his early/mid 30s and his career doesn't require his undivided attention anymore, then he's going to be completely there for his future wife and future kids...

 

But what type of career or business can one build that they can then turn his attention away from?

 

I know owners of large successful companies, venture capitalist, partners at huge firms - I can't think of a type of career that one can lay the ground work for in their 20's and 30's and then step back from in their 40's.

 

Unless one is going to build something huge - that will then go public - and they plan on living off of some enormous IPO, I do not see many extremely driven, successful business men stepping away from what they have built.

[Titanll]

Well, these guys (at least those few I personally knew anyway) still dated women and formed relationships with women, but these women had to understand that their career was the top priority.

 

For these guys, having the right timing is more important than meeting the right woman, as far as getting married is concerned. Again, this is my observation; I'm in no way endorsing their choice.

 

Actually, it sounds like they are meeting the right women. Lest they would fall back on their tried and trued response of not having time for a relationship. Who knows if they will marry. Marriage doesn't have to be the end goal. If I ever "had to understand that their career was the top priority" I would be in a dead run in the opposite direction of that relationship, but that's just me.

[anduina]

Very true, but ideally you need to make sure you and your family are fed, housed, safe, and educated too. That all costs a fortune. Hopefully there are men out there with enough sense to bust their asses and take set themselves up before they have a relationship and kids, and then start investing in those relationships once there's stable ground. In my opinion that's much better than getting married and having kids before you're secure. I imagine a lot of relationships have been ruined over money and uncertainty. In my opinion it's best to work to avoid that whole can of worms ahead of time and then just enjoy your life and relationships once you've reaped the rewards and your wife/kids have what they need.

This would depend on what type of marriage people are looking for. Not everyone wants a traditional marriage of the male working and the female, a domestic housewife. Not everyone wants kids anymore.

 

My fiance and I are academics who don't want children.

[The_Thall_Man]

All good men are taken

All childless people are self-centered

All divorced parents are broken

All never married people have issues

All single women over 35 are nutcases

All married couples are unhappy deep down

All SAHPs are lazy

All those who married young made a mistake

 

etc...

 

OP, as a general rule, beware of sentences starting with 'all' or its polite alternative, 'most'.

 

My rule of thumb is take whatever group of people you're about to wholly include and replace the group with "blacks" or "Jews". Do you sound like an A-hole? Then maybe rethink your outlook.