How to approach possible cheating

[Maraud3r]

I know there is a general view that justice needs to be served on the cheating wife and that it needs to be swift and harsh.

No, instead they should let the cheating wife get away with these things. As she continues to inflict damage upon them and benefit from it. Because we do not have an ample ammount of cases where not reacting swiftly and decisively ended up with the wife being the one filing for divorce getting the high ground and the cheated on husband being screwed even harder.

Knee jerk reactions.

A knee jerk reaction is one that hasn't been thought through, like a punch to the face when they find out. That is not a good way to react. Getting an attorney, filing for divorce, having the children tested and setting up their case long before she can meanwhile is NOT a knee jerk reaction, it's getting a head start.

BUT there is much to be said for the long game here.

He doesn't want to bite off his nose to spite his face.

He now knows the score, he knows his rights, he has consulted an attorney, he can afford to sit back and do whatever is right for him and his kids long term. He needs to think clever here.

Too many betrayed guys on here have reacted out of hurt, anger and a need for revenge in such situations and later regretted it as it proved to be not in their best interests at all.

Yes, that it's a horrendous choice all around for him. He has an ETA for when she will effectively turn the entire thing on him on her own terms. When the other guy comes out of prison, when she finishes her college and will be ready to bail. Waiting for her to get ready, build her case and kick him to the curb is NOT a good idea. It makes his position weaker, accusations of cheating seem like slander etc.

 

What he is doing right now is not thinking clever, it's the exact opposite. There are good arguments why it is a bad idea and pretty much looks like desperately holding onto a relationship that has already failed. Aside from hollow phrases such as "cut off nose to spite the face" and "knee jerk reaction", what exactly does he stand to gain from inaction, how does the long term benefit him rather than her, how would her getting the drop on him improve the situation for him?

[road]

The short term feeling good exposing the WW now and divorcing her

ASAP will leave this BH F'd over long term legally long term.

 

The price to pay following the lawyer's advice to stay the course

for 18 months to come out ahead and then to be able to still expose

the affair is worth every day till that time.

 

The man is fighting a war not one battle.

[elaine567]

BUT he isn't holding onto a relationship that has already failed, he is giving her enough rope to hang herself.

He knows that a SAHM and a job in p/t retail will take him to the cleaners, but a woman with a college degree and a better job will not be able to.

 

Read the thread, he has already seen a lawyer he knows exactly what he is doing here.

[Superchicken]

Can I suggest you record some of her outbursts towards the kids, and yourself.

I am sure it will come in handy in court when custody is worked out.

Carry your phone in your shirt pocket, or leave it on a table recording everything.

 

 

Keep them all, and give them to your lawyer.

When there's enough, you may even be able to get the kids and her pay you support !.

 

 

Get dirty, underhanded and every trick you can to get ahead !.

 

 

Ted.

[Chrisstro6692]

You just said at the beginning of your post that you were the Plan B, and not that great looking according to her. She does not respect you. Why would she same something like this about her husband. You are her MAN! I could not get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, if I stayed with her after what she has done. You tell her that she is not wife material and that you need some one better. Tell her that if she was going to cheat then at least move up the food chain and not down. Serve her with divorce papers and be done with it. I hate to say this, but why would you marry a woman like this? You had to have seen some signs that she had trashy values and morals. If you do leave her make sure that you dont make the same mistake again. Right now this guy is in prison talking about how he has been banging this chick, and her husband just takes it and wont do anything about it. Get mad and cut her loose, and I bet you she will change her mind and then start trying to treat you right when she see that you have alot more options open than she thought. Women like this take advantage of Good Men with values and morals.

[harrybrown]

have you told your family about what is going on?

 

Get some support for you and the kids.

 

She has an open marriage. You do not.

 

Hope you will give a copy of the letter and recordings of her outbursts to your attorney.

 

Keep them safe. She sure can pick a winner. He will not stay out of jail long.

 

Hope you do something to protect yourself if her lover gets out of jail.

[elaine567]

have you told your family about what is going on?

He probably can't, as he cannot take the risk that someone will alert her to his plans to ambush her in 18 months time.

He needs to keep it all under his hat.

[Maraud3r]

Let's see:

 

In 18 months she might very well be the one to initiate divorce. Which will hugely shift the entire thing in her favour.

 

In 18 months bringing up things he found out now and then kept under wraps, will impress the court very little. Especially given he chose to keep them under wraps.

 

In 18 months she might have a degree, MIGHT. That however does not mean she will have a job or be able to provide for herself. In all likelihood, he'll get saddled with spousal support anyway.

 

Given she'll get the children in all likelihood, her working wont be on the table anyway. Which further means the child support will be paid one way or another as he refuses to get the children tested in secret.

 

 

Yes he is fighting a war and not one battle. He is fighting the same way France did WW 2. By declaring said war, then sitting on their hands propping up the Maginot line. All while you guys and his lawyer are cheering him on. Solely so she can finish her college education (which is hugely beneficial to her) on the off chance that SHE MIGHT be able to support herself.

[HereNorThere]

Yup, you're giving her 18 more months to rack up debt, increase spousal support, etc. with absolutely no way of knowing whether she will actually get a high paying job.

 

You aren't playing the long game, just conflict avoidant and scared.

[somanymistakes]

I know in some places where you can use adultery as a cause, you're supposed to use it within six months of finding out, otherwise you are presumed to have "approved" of the situation. However, since he's consulted with a lawyer I'm assuming this isn't relevant in his jurisdiction.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Eric, I think you are on the right path. Stick with the legal opinion. It is the opinion of a professional and that is what you are paying for.

 

On the other hand I think it is going to be very difficult for you to behave normally around your wife now that you know all the sleazy details about her and her ex. You will have to put on a real good act to be able to fool her as subtle changes in your behaviour are likely to set off alarm bells in her mind. Whatever you do be on your guard and your best behaviour. Warm wishes.

[ericsvibe]

Responding to a bunch of the recent posts. Look, I would love to get revenge, and show my WS a thing or two. But the reality is I want custody of my children, far more than any points I can score by kicking her out. I'm trying to get a letter from her to the boyfriend, so that I can use her own words against her. I have also talked to my mother, she is a widow, about moving in with me once the D drops, so that I have round the clock care for my children, something that she won't have. I am also working on getting some recordings of her blowing up as suggested. I want my kids, period. If she really loved them, she wouldn't be doing this to them. This could all happen way faster than 18 months. I hope to have enough to pressure her to grant me sole custody.

 

 

I live in a no fault divorce state. So who cheated doesn't matter.

[Lady2163]

Around 15 years ago, a man I worked with ended up spending $2400 on eight college classes he didn't need. He went back to school with his wife. He was in a similar spot. He would pay $1000 in alimony and $600 in child support if he divorced when he wanted to. The lawyer spelled out the situation for him. It was a long two years of working, going to school and raising children. But, after his wife was settled in her new job, he filed for divorce. 13 years later, she still isn't remarried. He would have already paid $156,000 in alimony to date.

 

Unfortunately, uhm....he was the wandering spouse, so his motives were pretty devious. But, he was looking at his future and his children's future. Last I knew, his kids had a decent college fund, which they wouldn't have had if he had been shelling out $1600 a month.

 

So, I understand what you're doing. In a sense, I've been there. I had a five year plan to end my marriage. It didn't quite work out, but I had the plan.

 

Just one thing - your mother in law is NOT your friend. Be very, very careful what you tell her. She may be worried about her daughter's behavior, but her loyalty can quickly shift when she gets the silent treatment from her daughter for opening her mouth to you.

[Jersey born raised]

Starting to read your thread. Two pages in will post questions as I read. My impression so far echoes NYC mayor Ed Koch when he lost the primary for the governors race. I think God really loves your wife and you have been cast as job(sp?). God at this point is really getting pissed and feed up with her. If she does not get her head straighten out (note comment reflects LS policy on Lanuage) God will send her straight to hell on two years by giving her "her hearts desire".

 

 

First what is a BD? Looked it up and seems to have something to do with radiology. What type of job can she get?

 

Lady 2163 good example. Not surprised that guy was the WS.

 

Custody is only part of the divorce. It is in most ways in many states with no-fault a separate issues with the governing issue is "best interest of the child". Also in many states input of the child depending on age is strongly considered.

 

So yes get tapes of blow ups and keep a journal. BUT keep hard proof on how you worked with her on overcoming this issue with her fitness and what was done and why to help the child. I strongly recommend a IC for you who deals with BPD and resulting family issues.

 

I tried to PM downtown about your thread for his input but his PM is filled. I am copyng a post form a past post of his. This is what I am terrified you will find to one degree or another.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/624011-need-some-insight-2.html

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by CTMoz

She was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused as a child.

CTMoz, your exW's history of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are serious red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I am speaking based on my 15 years of experience with my exW, who was sexually abused by her father for several years in childhood. Significantly, childhood sexual abuse is strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from.

 

Granted, most abused children do NOT develop BPD. Such abuse, however, greatly raises their risk for developing it -- and this is particularly true when the abuse is sexual. See BPD and Childhood Sexual Abuse and the study, Child Sex Abuse and BPD. Also see Sexual Abuse and Psychiatric Disorders and the study, Psychological Consequences of Sexual Abuse.

 

Quote:

I will not go back to the chaos that is her mental state.

CTMoz, the most common cause of emotional instability is not BPD but, rather a strong hormone change -- as occurs during pregnancy. There are two reasons, however, why your exW's instability does not seem to arise from her pregnancy. One is that she walked away from your two-week marriage and divorced you well before she slept with her Ex and got pregnant. The other reason -- as I noted above -- is that the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in childhood is strongly associated with BPD. Indeed, four of the nine defining traits for BPD are behaviors characterized by emotional instability.

 

Quote:

She told me she was done... and I was a horrible person.... On her social media, she is bashing me, blaming me.

This all-or-nothing view of you as being "horrible" is called "black-white thinking." If your exW is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum), she is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Hence, like a young child, she will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

Quote:

But why all the anger? Why all the bitterness?

It sounds like your exW's anger and bitterness did not originate during your evening trip to Target but, rather, during her early childhood when she was being abused. Because a BPDer has been carrying enormous anger and hurt deep inside since childhood, you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Instead, you only have to say or do some trivial thing that TRIGGERS the anger that's already there. This is why BPDers can flip from one mood to the other in just ten seconds. And this is why an angry comment at Target can quickly trigger a flip from loving you to devaluing you.

 

Quote:

I will not tolerate the skewed perception she has.

If she exhibits strong traits of BPD, she likely perceives of physical reality just fine. Her inability to regulate emotions produces feelings so intense that they distort her perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Because that distortion occurs at the subconscious level, a BPDer believes -- at a conscious level -- that these distorted perceptions accurately reflect the reality of how you truly feel.

 

Quote:

Is this that whole concept of "rewriting history" and redirecting blame so she can cope?

Yes, that's what it is called. It also is called "splitting." It arises in BPDers because their subconscious minds work 24/7 protecting their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality in their interpersonal relationships. The subconscious accomplishes this by projecting nearly all hurtful feelings and painful thoughts onto you.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exW exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. There is nothing subtle about behaviors such as instability, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you.

 

Quote:

It was my understanding that with no contact and working on yourself and healing, one would find closure within themselves. I thought I had, honestly. And then it a week ago the withdrawals came

As Sparta observes, that "withdrawal" is perfectly normal even after several months. As with the recovery from a muscle strain, the healing process for a trauma is not linear. You will not get a little bit better each day. Instead, you likely will improve gradually for many days and then have a day where you feel like you're back at step 1. It feels like you've made little or no progress. Remember, it is just a feeling. Don't believe it. All your progress is still there. Over time, those bad days will get spaced farther and farther apart until, eventually, they will stop altogether.

 

Quote:

My girlfriend and I dated for almost a year.... We had a great relationship, up until we got married.... and two weeks later she left me.

If your exW really is a BPDer, one important question is how she managed to hide her anger issues and instability for a full year. Granted, a BPDer typically does not show these traits during the honeymoon period because her infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation holds her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay and thus prevents you from triggering her anger and instability.

 

However, when the infatuation starts to evaporate -- usually about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- both fears quickly return and you will start triggering them. In some cases, that intense infatuation period can last as long as a year, especially if you're not yet living together. This is why, with BPDers, it is common for sexual activity to go off a cliff immediately after the wedding -- if not before.

 

Quote:

Told her she didn't seem to love my daughter. That a mother wouldn't do that.

A second important question is whether your exW was merely acting or, rather, she truly loved you and your daughter. BPDers are capable of loving intensely, albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love. In contrast, full-blown narcissists and sociopaths are unable to love. I mention this because it is concerning that your exW has made no efforts to soften the blow on your young daughter. Indeed, she wouldn't even come to the door when your DD tried to give her a Mother's Day present. I therefore ask whether you were convinced that your exW truly loved both of you or, instead, was simply playing a role of "the good mother/wife" -- as a narcissist or sociopath would do?

 

Quote:

Is one fight justification for just abandoning things? Or is there more to it, on her end?

Sounds like there is more to it on her end. Lots more. I therefore suggest that, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with your exW, you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your daughter have been dealing with.

 

While your looking for a good psychologist, it would be prudent to learn how to spot the red flags for BPD and NPD so you're able to better protect yourself and your daughter. Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exW's issues. Although BPD symptoms are easy to spot when they are strong, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking your exW back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread -- and read the description of what it's like to live with a BPDer wife for 23 years in Salparadise's post. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join Sal and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, CTMoz.

[Jersey born raised]

You mention her mother but not her father or Sibs. You really need to dig deep on this subject. Please humor me. Get a PM and PM or like this Post and I will start asking you questions and responding to them. Read the actual post on the thread amazing links.

 

Please.

[ericsvibe]

I can respond here. Her father was never there, he knocked up her mom, and split when she was an infant. He was never in her life. Due to this, her mom was overbearing. Her brother and sister have cut off all contact due to her choices. She blames them for being nosy, but they only have her best interest at heart.

[ericsvibe]

So, the 18 months have just become measurably shorter.

 

 

I advised her that our first marriage counseling appointment was set. She immediately became defensive, saying that she doesn't know why we need counseling. I strongly advised her to go. I didn't give anything away, she however did partially tell the truth. She said that she has been in an emotional affair with her ex, and that she has never felt the same "spark" with me that she feels with him. She said that she cares for me as she would a friend that she has known forever, but just doesn't have the "connection" she has with him. She became very emotional, and threatened suicide, saying that sometimes she just wants to kill herself, instead of dealing with the guilt of what she is doing to me and the kids, and the shame she feels for it. She jumped in her car and took off. I called 911, and reported her for being suicidal. They found her and convinced her to return home. She then left for a long walk, saying she needs time. While she was out, I decided to tear the house up to find the letter stash. I found them.

 

 

I wish I had not.

 

 

My wife has some serious problems that if she doesn't address, I fear will destroy her. Lots of the letters she talked about just ending her life, instead of dealing with the shame of what she was doing to our family, and the fact that she just can't get over the other guy. She said she felt fated to be with him, but knew they didn't have a future, and that she is betraying our children. He of course spent plenty of time trying to convince her to stay with him, but the letters weren't all lovey dovey. She did say some very hurtful things about me. She begged him to just let her go, but he would just keep telling her she belonged to him.

 

 

When she came home, I confronted her about the letters. She was in utter shock. I asked her what was real, and how could I ever trust her again. She had nothing to say, except that she needs help, and she is so sorry to have hurt me. She said that she knows it isn't me, and she owns this, but she just can't get passed this guy, and as soon as she feels she has finally moved on, he comes back into her life. She admitted that she has been in an off and on relationship with him since she was 16, and has cheated on every boyfriend she has ever had with him. That even though he would dump her, when he came back, she just took him back, knowing it was wrong. She denied the physical affair(for now), and said that she takes responsibility for everything, and if she needs to pack up, she will.

 

 

I told her that she can't just run away from her problems, and if she doesn't get professional help, nothing will ever change. I advised her that as of now, our marriage has ended. I told her that the only way we can move forward, is if she changes herself, that I have done nothing to deserve this.

 

 

It was very hard looking at the letters, spattered with tears. I went from angry, to very concerned about her health. I don't know if it is depression, or what, but the letters weren't what I expected. I hope I can figure this out in counseling, because I am torn. I have everything I need to just throw her out, but I didn't expect this.

[Buckeye2]

By threatening suicide she's making herself into more of a victim than you and the kids. I think she finds comfort in being the victim. It’s the way she copes and has done it for years. She feels bad and tells herself that she should kill herself. Then she feels better. Kind of like a needing a drink when you’re under stress. Or going to a priest and confessing your sins.

 

If you're sins are unforgiveable the only way to up your victim points is to say that you want to die. That changes the entire conversation.

 

I went from angry, to very concerned about her health.

 

You did the right thing by calling 911. Keep doing that. Call her bluff.

 

She denied the physical affair(for now)

 

She admits that she can't let go of him and he says that she belongs to her and they haven't had sex? This jail bird just wants to talk to her?

 

Were any of your kids conceived when her ex was out of jail?

Edited June 27, 2017 by Buckeye2

[Maraud3r]

Well, so much for the questionable long game. Then again you also gave up the chance to get the drop on her and allow her to cast herself as victim.

 

Brutally honest here, I don't think you would've gone through with it in 18 months. You seem to still be very much attached to her, whether it's love I can't say. Your entire post is pretty much you worrying about her, you thinking she needs you etc while she is building her case as poor victim with issues that is being taken advantage of and not responsible for her actions.

 

You (might) have children. They do not actually seem to be your primary concern here, she is. She has played you for years and now that it's coming out she is ramping up the pressure, telling you these things and your reaction is to worry about her.

 

 

You will get burned here, badly. And at the end of the day, you will have nobody to blame but yourself and the excuses you made up to not end it on your terms and trying to get the best deal for you and your (maybe) children.

[ericsvibe]

Well, so much for the questionable long game. Then again you also gave up the chance to get the drop on her and allow her to cast herself as victim.

 

Brutally honest here, I don't think you would've gone through with it in 18 months. You seem to still be very much attached to her, whether it's love I can't say. Your entire post is pretty much you worrying about her, you thinking she needs you etc while she is building her case as poor victim with issues that is being taken advantage of and not responsible for her actions.

 

You (might) have children. They do not actually seem to be your primary concern here, she is. She has played you for years and now that it's coming out she is ramping up the pressure, telling you these things and your reaction is to worry about her.

 

 

You will get burned here, badly. And at the end of the day, you will have nobody to blame but yourself and the excuses you made up to not end it on your terms and trying to get the best deal for you and your (maybe) children.

 

 

I am still playing the long game. She now has a police report showing her as being suicidal.

 

 

When I got home today for lunch, she gave me all of the letters, a journal, and her diary that goes back 6 years. There were allot more than I had discovered. She said she wants me to see what she wrote, because she knows that I don't believe anything she says now(I don't).

 

 

She told me that she thinks that the kids are better off with me, that she doesn't trust herself, and she doesn't think she can handle seeing the kids without her. I am going to look into getting a postnup, so that there are ground rules in place going forward. I want her to put some skin in this.

 

 

We have MC next week.

 

 

I'm not clinging to her. It seems to me that she has a mental health problem that goes beyond just cheating. Those letters she wrote, talking about killing herself, were way before I found out. Those were letters she wrote to him, that she hadn't sent yet. It seems that she would write to him everynight, probably before I got home from work. She also told the police officer that she has tried to kill herself before by OD, and was admitted to a mental health treatment facility for a couple weeks as a teenager. That was all new info to me.

[QuietDan]

So, the 18 months have just become measurably shorter.

 

 

I advised her that our first marriage counseling appointment was set. She immediately became defensive, saying that she doesn't know why we need counseling. I strongly advised her to go. I didn't give anything away, she however did partially tell the truth. She said that she has been in an emotional affair with her ex, and that she has never felt the same "spark" with me that she feels with him. She said that she cares for me as she would a friend that she has known forever, but just doesn't have the "connection" she has with him. She became very emotional, and threatened suicide, saying that sometimes she just wants to kill herself, instead of dealing with the guilt of what she is doing to me and the kids, and the shame she feels for it. She jumped in her car and took off. I called 911, and reported her for being suicidal. They found her and convinced her to return home. She then left for a long walk, saying she needs time. While she was out, I decided to tear the house up to find the letter stash. I found them.

 

 

I wish I had not.

 

 

My wife has some serious problems that if she doesn't address, I fear will destroy her. Lots of the letters she talked about just ending her life, instead of dealing with the shame of what she was doing to our family, and the fact that she just can't get over the other guy. She said she felt fated to be with him, but knew they didn't have a future, and that she is betraying our children. He of course spent plenty of time trying to convince her to stay with him, but the letters weren't all lovey dovey. She did say some very hurtful things about me. She begged him to just let her go, but he would just keep telling her she belonged to him.

 

 

When she came home, I confronted her about the letters. She was in utter shock. I asked her what was real, and how could I ever trust her again. She had nothing to say, except that she needs help, and she is so sorry to have hurt me. She said that she knows it isn't me, and she owns this, but she just can't get passed this guy, and as soon as she feels she has finally moved on, he comes back into her life. She admitted that she has been in an off and on relationship with him since she was 16, and has cheated on every boyfriend she has ever had with him. That even though he would dump her, when he came back, she just took him back, knowing it was wrong. She denied the physical affair(for now), and said that she takes responsibility for everything, and if she needs to pack up, she will.

 

 

I told her that she can't just run away from her problems, and if she doesn't get professional help, nothing will ever change. I advised her that as of now, our marriage has ended. I told her that the only way we can move forward, is if she changes herself, that I have done nothing to deserve this.

 

 

It was very hard looking at the letters, spattered with tears. I went from angry, to very concerned about her health. I don't know if it is depression, or what, but the letters weren't what I expected. I hope I can figure this out in counseling, because I am torn. I have everything I need to just throw her out, but I didn't expect this.

 

It sounds like she has severe emotional and psychological issues.

Your first priority needs to be for the safety snd welfare of the children. Someone that is emotionally out of control and suicidal should not be left alone with the children.

Considering everything you described since the beginning if this thread, this is some very serious stuff.

Again, the safety of the children needs to be the primary concern here.

[Jersey born raised]

I worked part time as a life guard as a kid. My instructor drilled us like a mariane DI: reach, throw, go. DO NOT EVER CREATE A SITUATION OF TWO PEOPLE IN CRISSS IN THE WATER.

 

You cannot "go" at this point. You cannot. Decades ago a plane skidded off the ramp in Feb(?) into the water in DC. A guy "went" he pulled several people out of the water but he drowned the last time he went. He left behind a wife and children.

 

His bravery amazing, a widow and children a horror.

 

You go to an IC with a background in CSA/BPD/infideity. Alone !!!

 

I realize how off tangent my posts are on your situation, but there is a whiff of a stench that needs to be clear. You cannot treat brain cancer as it was lung cancer.

 

Florida has the baker act that allows a person to be commint without their consent. Living here for close to a decade I cannot tell you how many lives it has saved. Call a sucide hotline and ask if you can in your state and who to call.

[ericsvibe]

The therapist we are going to see has a background in women's mental health, she worked for 20 years at a state woman's shelter, dealing with physical, emotional trauma. She now offers MC, and well as IC. She said she want's to meet with us both, to observe our interactions, how open and honest we are with her, before she decides on a path going forward.

 

 

There is allot that has come to light that she hid from me about her past. This goes beyond the EA/PA. She told me last night that she wants to change, that she is a bad person because she hurts people emotionally, and wants to get better, but she doesn't know how and feels that she is trapped in her "old self". She said she should have ended the relationship with the OM a long time ago, but felt comfort living in a fantasy world with him, instead of dealing with her emotional issues. She said she knows she doesn't have a future with him. Her body language showed fear, desperation, defiance. It wasn't remorse or guilt. She was in fight or flight mode when she talked about this. She stood erect, with her shoulders back, and hands clinched, with tears in her eyes. She was visibly angry with herself, and said she doesn't blame me, she knows everything was her fault. She said she is afraid of what the OM will do once he gets out, because of her leading him on, that she knows he is dangerous.

 

 

It seems to me that she has been living a double life, the wife/mother act with me, and the crazy lover with the OM. She called our family her "reality", and her EA her fantasy, and that she had trouble separating the two.

 

 

I know some on here are going to brand me as being "soft". I'm not. I have never been this hurt, humiliated, betrayed, destroyed, in all my life. I have been wounded deeply. Everyday is a struggle. And to top it off, now finding out that my wife my be "sick", it is allot to take. It honestly would be easier if it was, hey I banged this dude. I wouldn't think twice about leaving. This is different. I never knew this part of her. She hid it very well, and it seems that the old BF was the only person she shared this with.

[BluesPower]

Brother, yes I am sorry, you are being weak.

 

I know that you think you are doing the right thing. I have done it.

 

And let's say that everything she is showing you is real, no drama to reel you back in. So what? She was not so crazy that she was not screwing this guy all these years. She could figure out how to do that.

 

You should take this opportunity to get full custody of your kids and leave her in the dust. She can be with the jail bird when he gets out, because it is what she will do when he does.

 

I am here to tell you, and I know you will not believe it, but every minute that you stay with her for any reason, you are wasting. In how ever many years from now that you finally get tired of being a doormat you will realize what I am saying is true.

 

I have done the same type of thing, and I am fighting for my financial life with a woman that never loved me in the 26 years we were married.

 

I have wasted half my life loving her and caring for her and it makes no difference with this type of woman.

 

You cannot fix her and you never will be able to. Take it from someone who tried...

[WilyWill]

My guess is that your wife gets off on the fear that she has of this bad boy, in some kind of dom/sub thing that a good man like you will never be able to relate to. To get real affection from her, you'd need to have a prison record. Frankly, I can't see how anyone can have a normal relationship with anyone like that.

 

Continue playing the long game and getting all your ducks in a row. I know it's been said a million times before, but you WILL find a good wife someday, one who WILL love you in the way you deserve to be loved.