How to approach possible cheating

[Superchicken]

Hi Ericsvibe,

 

 

It all sound great, but, just like icing on a cake, it makes it all look nice on the "Outside".

 

 

I will also like you to realize, you are now a Commando.

Why ?, because you will always :

 

 

1 - Look over your shoulder

2 - Suspect everyone

3 - Over analyse events and situations

4 - Look for ulterior motives when she tells you she's going out, or will be late

5 - Question who's she's talking or texting too on her phone.

 

 

So you will be on FULL alert at all times, and sleep with one eye opened.

 

 

I will say, it is a good start, but, man, like that dude said about you, I also reckon your a better man than me.

My wife (Ex by this stage), well, she would be cleaning windscreens on the corners for money !.

 

 

You remind me, of the old punching bag when I used to do boxing.

Got hammered, and never fought back. Pulled back out when ever it needed to be bashed again, and then again put back away when I finished with it.

 

 

 

 

I wish you all the luck for the future.

Maybe let her read some of the posts here, if ever you need her too.

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[ericsvibe]

Well, how the world turns. My oldest son, who has suspected something is going on, told me that mom was crying at her desk again, and wrote a letter. I used a recovery program to get the letter off of our computer after she deleted it.

 

 

It seems my wife is extremely angry at the OM, and his response to the breakup letter. She started the letter by asking if the affair was just all in her head. She challenged him about his comment that she wasn't the one for him, asking him how could he lie to her face, and egg her on to betray everything she has for him. (Isn't it funny, that is exactly what she did to me, lied, led me on, strung me along). She again told him that she was willing to walk away from it all just to be with him, and now he is telling her that it was a game. She said that she really loves him, and now she has no one in her corner. She again went off on him about the future they planned. She said that she will never trust me(how funny), and that she can't believe her mother in law will be in the house to spy on her(she's not, she's going to be there to replace you as a mother figure). She said that she now realizes that she just needs to leave and start over, that once she gets a job, she is going to leave her inconsiderate husband, and that she is done with the OM. She said that she has gotten good at playing the wife and will continue until it suits her. She said that she doesn't want him to write back anymore.

 

 

I'm not even going to confront her about this. This woman has some serious issues. Take this into consideration. She writes this letter, while at the same time, plans a weekend getaway with me to some sex dungeon you can rent, because she wants to act out 50 shades of gray. Why even bother? If you are done with me, why even pretend. I offered her $30,000 cash to move out. That would be on top of half of the marital assets she is going to get anyway. She said no, she wants to work on the marriage. Is she so weak that she has to have the next man lined up before she can move on? What is she waiting for, she can leave now. She won't get anything better in a contested divorce.

 

 

Emotionally, I have checked out. Our relationship is purely physical at this point. She seems incapable of making a decision. She acts one way with me, but when I am at work, this other person comes out, like she is possessed. I can't wait until our next MC, I want to see if she continues this lie

 

 

Just for clarity, the OM said that the first time she walked out, he didn't want anything to do with her. He said they had some wild sex for a couple of days, but as soon as she started with her "lovers forever stuff", he broke it off. She was the one that started writing him like crazy. He said that the second time, he didn't touch her. He said that as soon as he got released, his sister told him that my wife was trying to find him. They talked on the phone, but that was it. He did admit that once he was locked up for a long time, he did start fantasizing about her, because he didn't have anything better to do. He said that he tried to convince her many times to stop writing him, but it just made her pursue him more, so he went along with it.

 

 

At this point, I think that everything with me is just an act, to try to ease her guilt. I think that she will start looking for another OM, and will stay with me until she succeeds. I don't trust her, I won't ever trust her.

[BluesPower]

Well, how the world turns. My oldest son, who has suspected something is going on, told me that mom was crying at her desk again, and wrote a letter. I used a recovery program to get the letter off of our computer after she deleted it.

 

It seems my wife is extremely angry at the OM, and his response to the breakup letter. She started the letter by asking if the affair was just all in her head. She challenged him about his comment that she wasn't the one for him, asking him how could he lie to her face, and egg her on to betray everything she has for him. (Isn't it funny, that is exactly what she did to me, lied, led me on, strung me along). She again told him that she was willing to walk away from it all just to be with him, and now he is telling her that it was a game. She said that she really loves him, and now she has no one in her corner. She again went off on him about the future they planned. She said that she will never trust me(how funny), and that she can't believe her mother in law will be in the house to spy on her(she's not, she's going to be there to replace you as a mother figure). She said that she now realizes that she just needs to leave and start over, that once she gets a job, she is going to leave her inconsiderate husband, and that she is done with the OM. She said that she has gotten good at playing the wife and will continue until it suits her. She said that she doesn't want him to write back anymore.

 

I'm not even going to confront her about this. This woman has some serious issues. Take this into consideration. She writes this letter, while at the same time, plans a weekend getaway with me to some sex dungeon you can rent, because she wants to act out 50 shades of gray. Why even bother? If you are done with me, why even pretend. I offered her $30,000 cash to move out. That would be on top of half of the marital assets she is going to get anyway. She said no, she wants to work on the marriage. Is she so weak that she has to have the next man lined up before she can move on? What is she waiting for, she can leave now. She won't get anything better in a contested divorce.

 

Emotionally, I have checked out. Our relationship is purely physical at this point. She seems incapable of making a decision. She acts one way with me, but when I am at work, this other person comes out, like she is possessed. I can't wait until our next MC, I want to see if she continues this lie

 

Just for clarity, the OM said that the first time she walked out, he didn't want anything to do with her. He said they had some wild sex for a couple of days, but as soon as she started with her "lovers forever stuff", he broke it off. She was the one that started writing him like crazy. He said that the second time, he didn't touch her. He said that as soon as he got released, his sister told him that my wife was trying to find him. They talked on the phone, but that was it. He did admit that once he was locked up for a long time, he did start fantasizing about her, because he didn't have anything better to do. He said that he tried to convince her many times to stop writing him, but it just made her pursue him more, so he went along with it.

 

At this point, I think that everything with me is just an act, to try to ease her guilt. I think that she will start looking for another OM, and will stay with me until she succeeds. I don't trust her, I won't ever trust her.

 

So when will the divorce be final or have you filed yet. And you can stop thinking and understand that you KNOW everything with you is a lie and an act.

 

This (Your quote above ) BTW is what everyone has been saying. Like you say, she has been stringing you along the whole time.

 

You know, I would go to MC and present her the letter and ask her to leave the house again. Then that would be the last EVER MC session.

 

At least you know, that counts for something, I guess...

[GorillaTheater]

So when will the divorce be final or have you filed yet.

 

 

I hope you have, Eric. I know I was supportive at first of "go slow and divorce smart" approach, but each post reveals more and more dysfunction to the point that my eyes are rolling so hard you can hear them pop. Enough is enough, already.

 

 

During and even after the divorce you can let her live in a spare room if you're concerned about potential homelessness. That would be nuisance enough without being cloaked with a marriage. I'm not sure you ever had one, anyways.

[QuietDan]

She deleted it. Did she send it? People think all sorts of things that they end up not acting on. Emotional thinking is often messy, misguided, and wrong. By all means, take it into consideration. But, there are alot of pitty party thoughts that I have had in my lifetime that I am glad I never acted on or was foolish enough to write down or type up.

Evaluate her actions and her actual words.

This is important on how you make decisions on what is the best course for you. You do have a small window of her thoughts about things at that given moment.

Proceed with caution.

[Superchicken]

She deleted it. Did she send it? People think all sorts of things that they end up not acting on. Emotional thinking is often messy, misguided, and wrong. By all means, take it into consideration. But, there are alot of pitty party thoughts that I have had in my lifetime that I am glad I never acted on or was foolish enough to write down or type up.

Evaluate her actions and her actual words.

This is important on how you make decisions on what is the best course for you. You do have a small window of her thoughts about things at that given moment.

Proceed with caution.

 

Dan, GET SERIOUS !.

 

 

Ericsvibe, Wow, what scum she is.

 

 

We all warned you to keep a look out.

These never end well, and you, sorry, are just another statistic.

 

 

Man, THROW HER OUT !.

For Petes sake, get it over and DONE !.

 

 

You can NEVER get back with this person. NEVER.

She's polluted the marriage, stained her name, and flushed your life with her, like a toilet tissue.

 

 

Let her FIGHT for every nickel, and give her nothing, as just what she has been giving you recently.

 

 

Wow, what a fallacy !.

 

 

Please, I really want you to say to her face "I found someone else who really loves me, I'm leaving you, you terrible person"

PLEASE freakin say that to her. Yes, its a load of tripe, but, I want her to feel PAIN. DO IT !. DO IT !!!!

That or Mr T can give her "Pain", cause he "Pity the fool".

 

 

Wow, its happening to you, but we guys all feel it with you..

 

 

DIVORCE< DIVORCE< DIVORCE...

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[stillafool]

OP, you have everything you need to kick her out. She has agreed that the kids should stay with you, she is still head over heels for the convict and has admitted she never felt anything for you. As far as her suicides threats go let her family deal with that. Just take care of you and your kids. She doesn't seem to care about any of y'all so why are you holding on to her? Of course she isn't going to accept $30,000 which would last her a year; when she can stay married to you and be supported for the rest of her life. She's a bum.

[Imajerk17]

I agree w most of the others. OP you are *at best* your WW's Safe Choice. This is just no way for a man to live.

[WilyWill]

I feel like it's only a matter of time before she puts on another dramatic tearful show at the MC's office then confesses her undying love for you, begging you to forgive her for her moment of confusion. You'll be drawn back in for round 3, or is it round 10 now?

 

Then she'll write another love letter to him, or go off to have sex with him again. I know you love her, but it's time to write her off for good. Figure out how to co-parent and how to keep the convict away from your kids. Move on with your life and find a decent woman. Your wife is a manipulative user, beyond redemption.

[S2B]

I'd use that MC session differently. Get the divorce filed.

 

I'd listen to her lie and pretend she's working on the marriage - then present her with the D papers at the MC meeting.

 

Tell her to move immediately. If you allow her to stay living with you she will end up pregnant just to manipulate you further.

 

Then leave - she can discuss the wreckage with the counselor - no need to sit and listen to the lies anymore...she just using you and wasting your time.

 

 

 

She did t send a no contqct letter since she's still corresponding and begging him and talking trash about you.

 

Your life can begin to improve the minute you have her served!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Eric, I don't get it. Why don't you discuss this letter in your MC session so that her carefully crafted falsities come crumbling down in the presence of the Counsellor? How long are you going to be acting like a gentleman and bending over backwards so as not to step on her toes? While I understand your concern about protecting your children from the fallout of your wife's infidelity, there is a limit beyond which you have to start protecting yourself before your own self esteem is blown to bits.

 

This letter is the ultimate insult that your wife has heaped on you. No self respecting person could be expected to take this in their stride and carry on regardless. If you decide to downplay this and do not take decisive action to expose her hypocrisy or postpone taking action on it while the matter is still current then you will have missed the bus. The saying goes "Strike while the iron is hot" and it is hot right now. You can choose to ignore it or delay taking action on it at your own risk. After this you would have lost the momentum that you currently have. Warm wishes.

[WilyWill]

I agree. Go to MC. Let her present her lies to the MC about trying to change. Then take the letter out of your pocket and read it to the MC. Emphasize the part where she admits that she only intends to stay with you long enough to get what she can out of you. Then give her the divorce papers, and walk out of the session. She's wasted enough of your time and life.

[Cephalopod]

She needs to go.

 

She sounds so much like my exWW, and let me tell you Eric...this type of person never gets better. They get worse and worse as they get older. My exWW was a disgusting perverted pig when I divorced her, and she is ten times as disgusting now, almost seven years later.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Cephalopod

[standtall]

Hey dude....do the dungeon thing, and then punt her to the curb. Have some fun on the way out ya know.

[ericsvibe]

I got a new thumb drive so that I can copy the letter from her laptop. She does a good job of keeping it locked, but there are times when I have a moment to get into it. The program found the letter and restored it to a file that looks like an operating file. I will move it to the thumb drive so I can print it this weekend.

 

 

I do intend to bring this up at MC. I also have all of the paperwork to start the divorce. I realize that there is a chance she might not have mailed the letter, even so, it makes me mad because she wrote this right after we spent 3 days working on our communication. It just goes to show that she really doesn't have any intention of reconciling. I understand that she is heart broken because her prince charming just admitted that he was using her. She actually told him in the letter that she didn't believe him.

 

 

I also found a bunch of selfies she took with either no clothes on, or very little clothing on, over may and june. I am going to save them as well. I sure as heck never received them. Again, I just don't get her. She has been going all week talking about all of the stuff she wants us to do as a family to close out the summer. If you judged her just by her behavior/actions, she seems to be working very hard on the marriage. The problem is, I have begun to lose my emotional attachment to her. Every new revelation, seems to kill the love I have for her. A death of a thousand cuts.

 

 

She is really worried about my mother moving in. She brings it up constantly. I think that deep inside, she realizes that once my mother is here, she won't be needed. My mom has seen through her crap a long time ago. She warned me years ago that my wife really didn't love me. I just didn't see it.

[S2B]

Only when you take charge of your life and your future will this change.

 

 

You've left it all up to HER up until now and look where you are.

 

Start doing the action to be free of her.

 

 

Otherwise you're just participating in being used.

[olivetree]

The problem is, I have begun to lose my emotional attachment to her. Every new revelation, seems to kill the love I have for her. A death of a thousand cuts.

 

This quote compelled me to post.

 

Eric, it's not a death by a thousand cuts.

It's death by a thousand stabs to the heart that should be fatal but you refuse to die!

 

I hope that your love dies swiftly for your sake.

You sound like a good man who deserves real love.

[WilyWill]

As you've seen from her previous communications, the pictures are for OM. He shares them with the other inmates to jerk off to. This helps him get more food and cigarettes at the canteen. What a wife you have.

 

Her actions at rebuilding your family are nothing more than play acting. She's a pro at this. Believe what she said in the letter: she'll devote the next few years/months into proving she's a good wife, just to con you--to keep you on the hook. Then when OM changes his mind and decides he'd like to continue having meaningless sex with her again, she's out the door. That's just who she is.

[MJJean]

You aren't losing love for her, you're losing love for your image of her. You're detaching from an idea.

 

Her and her BFs letters are nothing but their drama, you know that, right? They're basically having a spat and manipulating each other. The push-pull typical of most affairs. Break up and make up cycle.

 

Also, what the flock is she doing when you aren't home that she's freaking out and thinks your mom is coming to spy on her?

[ericsvibe]

You aren't losing love for her, you're losing love for your image of her. You're detaching from an idea.

 

Her and her BFs letters are nothing but their drama, you know that, right? They're basically having a spat and manipulating each other. The push-pull typical of most affairs. Break up and make up cycle.

 

Also, what the flock is she doing when you aren't home that she's freaking out and thinks your mom is coming to spy on her?

 

 

 

That is a great question. I have no idea.

[QuietDan]

That is a great question. I have no idea.

 

The way she keeps her computer locked down, the nude pictures, .... Maybe she has a lot more in common with ZH's wife...

[S2B]

She isn't the wife or woman you thought.

 

She's a complete stranger having a relationship with another person outside your MARRIAGE! Can you see you don't have a marriage? She's made everything a farce.

[Cephalopod]

The reason she can go on talking about going on vacation as a family is because her family consists of her dad (you), herself and her kid. See, she doesn't see you as a husband, lover or anything like that. You are an authority figure, an impediment to her happiness. She sees you as an obstacle to maneuver around.

[QuietDan]

The troubling perspective I have noticed regarding the other two previous lovers in her life were that they were also troubled knight in shining armour, flawed, abusive Daddy figures in her life. If any thing... the fellon here in this thread also happens to be one of her first Daddy lover life relationship figures. At this point, was he her first, or second Daddy lover? The current husband, long term Daddy no.3 is competing against two currently day to day unavailable men. One dead man, one in prison. Other than her husband, no real experience being in a healthy successful relationship with a normal responsible man. That is... If I recollect and understand all of the twists and terms of this complicated thread.

[Superchicken]

....She does a good job of keeping it locked, but there are times when I have a moment to get into it. ...

 

 

I also found a bunch of selfies she took with either no clothes on, or very little clothing on, over may and june. I am going to save them as well. I sure as heck never received them. Again, I just don't get her. ....

 

...

 

Holly crap!. She still has the computer LOCKED !.

Why are you putting up with that ?.

 

 

Look, I know you don't want to lose your "Relationship", but, you read in her OWN words (Don't mean crap that she didn't send it.) what she really wants and how she really felt about you.

 

 

Dude, why ?.. Your head banging the wall here.

Its a no win situation. What are you expecting ?.

That she fully realizes how much she really loves you, the disgusting things she did and PLANNED to do ?.

 

 

So, now she will be by your side till Rapture, hmm, and will devote her life to you hmm..

 

 

All your doing is torturing yourself, and prolonging the inevitable.

Get it over and done by serving her the divorce papers.

She is not trustable any more.

 

 

 

 

Listen to the Nike saying "Just Do it".

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted.