How to approach possible cheating

[bubbaganoosh]

When you found out the reasons why she married you is when you should have swung into action and put her ass on notice and let her carry the weight rather than you carrying it around with you.

 

She hung a load of her dirty laundry around your neck and you should have handed it back to her in the beginning.

 

As far as your kids. You'll always be their dad and they know it too so don't think you'll lose them. I went that route and found out that children know who their parents are. Just be the best dad you can be.

[ericsvibe]

I want to respond to a bunch of posts at once.

 

 

Before last week, I had no idea this guy existed. She completely left him out of her life prior to us meeting. So when I met her, I fell in love with a version of her that must only exist in our marriage. Her mother warned me that she "was a handful", but never mentioned this ex. From my perspective, when she went to visit family, that was what she was doing. When she got back, her demeanor would change, she would be argumentative, not willing to do much of anything. But after a couple of months, everything returned to normal. When she walked out on me for 2 months, all I knew was she was staying with friends. Again I was oblivious. When she came back, it was under the excuse that being away from the kids and I made her realize she wanted to stay.

 

 

By a pretty good relationship, I mean that we have had 5 big arguments in 13 years. We have a normal sex life, she isn't a lovey dovey person for the time we have been married so I thought that was normal for her. We both have careers. I didn't start to piece this puzzle together until recently, when I became aware of his timeline, and how it fit with our "problems".

 

 

Thankfully, the timing of these "trysts" were after the birth of our children. The first trip came when my oldest was 6 months old. The walkout came after our second was about 8 months old. The other two came after he was locked up for the 10 year period.

 

 

I looked for the letters yesterday but couldn't find them. If she keeps them, it isn't at the house.

 

 

I have talked to an attorney, and he advised me to strongly consider counseling. I think that this is the approach I'm going to take. I know some would just walk out at this point, but my marriage matters to me. My vows matter to me, even if she has transgressed. There is nothing but emotional pain for my kids and I, and even more financial pain for me, as she will get half of my investments. I have worked very hard to get where I am. This is just devastating.

 

 

I need the physical proof for me, as much as anything. She has done such a good job covering this up that part of me still can't believe it. I have been checking the mail during my lunch break, the next letter that comes in I will get it first.

[BluesPower]

Bless your heart. My friend you are being foolish.

 

You have to know that she slept with him every chance she got, every single time.

 

She admits she does not love you. She loves her criminal.

 

Why does your marriage mean so much to you? Do you not have any self respect at all?

 

I don't even know where to start...

[kiyoma]

I understand where u are coming from. A woman in love with a serial felon.....That's a recipe for abuse if you let them live with the mother. So I understand why you would stay.

 

So will an extramarital relationship be an option for you where you get the love and intimacy you actually deserve? I strongly suggest that.

[NTV]

So what are you really looking for from us? We agree that if you're suspicious of her to investigate. What else are you not asking?

[Bryanp]

I thought you have just done a wonderful job explaining why she selected you to marry.

 

If you don't respect yourself then who will because your wife certainly does not.

[GorillaTheater]

The law is very clear, that unless I can get enough evidence to prove she is an unfit mother, she will get primary physical custody of the children. I have stayed because I have to protect my children. I have enough figured out to know that something went on, but not enough to prove in a court of law. She will NEVER just give up the kids, what I would have to pay in child support would be substantial. I feel trapped. I could really loose my kids, and once the divorce is finalized she is free to shack up with any fool she wants.

 

 

I won't dismiss your concerns; I have even more kids than you so I get the worry about making sure you're not sleeping in a cardboard box after the divorce.

 

 

So play the long game. Consult with some attorneys (the more the better, that way they'll be forever conflicted out of representing your wife) about getting yourself in the best possible position. Don't rule out moving if another state will give you a better deal on custody. Make sure your wife is working, fully support her career, and keep track of the time you're caring for the children solo.

 

 

Google "Dads Divorce". There's a hell of a lot of resources there, especially in the forum.

 

 

Get out, but get out smart.

[WilyWill]

Eric, there are a million good women who would love to have a man like you over some piece of prison trash. When your wife breaks her own vows, there's no reason to honor the ones that you made. Your wife likes her own kind. Let her have her own kind.

[Jersey born raised]

Your marriage, you are drinking rock gut mixed with raw sewerage. You have no idea what a 50 year old scotch taste like. Her marriage: kinda sucks because there are long periods between when she gets to be with her husband but she does have an acceptable housemate she screws on occasion.

 

Do not confront at this time, instead prepare to win.

 

Do you live in the US? The divorce laws are difficult but bendable. Speak to another attorney. Do an on line search for the state law on divorce and custody (they are two separate areas).

 

Do not do MC, instead do IC. Find one who sepecializes in infidelity helping BS.

 

Focus on your relationship with your children.

[ericsvibe]

I first want to thank everyone for the posts and advice, it has helped me mentally prepare for what happened next. I finally found a letter, my so called wife had ripped it into bunch of pieces and put it at the bottom of the trash. I saw it through the bag, and spent time putting it together. I found out that the last time she was in New York, she spent everyday visiting him. She ASKED HIM if he would marry her once we are over. Of course he said yes. He encouraged her to stay the course and not let me know what was happening, and that he comes up for parole in 2 years, and by then she can leave me and go to him. He told her that she doesn't need to apologize to him for marrying me, that he knows she doesn't love me so our marriage doesn't matter anyway. In the letter he never ONCE mentioned our 4 children. He then went into detail about how he ofter remembers all the kinky things they did together, and he loves when she sends those sexy PICTURES to him, to please send more. He then went into graphic detail about what he is going to do to her when he gets out.

 

 

I have enrolled us in couples counseling, it is required in our state anyway. I'm not going to let her know, that I finally know her secret, it doesn't help me anyway. Im just going to keep smiling, let her think that I'm the biggest sucker on the planet. I encouraged her to finish college, that way she can support herself. She starts the fall semester, and will finish her degree in 18 months. The second she walks, she is going to get served. I am going to make sure that everything is ready to go. I will check out the websites you all recommended. I just can't believe someone can be so deceitful. My attouney said that I will be able to get joint physical and legal custody, and she will not be able to move the kids out of the area. He also said that this "keeps the door open" for the family court, and if she does bring this piece of garbage, we can file that the kids are in jeopardy, and she can loose her custody.

 

 

I do everything for her, so I don't think she will be able to handle the kids alone even if it is every other week. This is the baseline, unless she hits me or something in the next 18 months.

[Marc878]

Read up

 

"No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download.

 

Keep the letter.

 

You've been played for a fool long enough if you want to stay in this that's your business but I'd confront.

 

I'd also send copies of that letter to her family and tell the truth to your kids.

 

Your current course of action could take years. Why waste your time and life that you can never get back on this?

[Cephalopod]

Wow. Do you think you can last a year and a half with a woman you despise? Because if you do not now, you will grow to despise her, and she will know you do. You won't be able to hide it.

[Clay]

Wow....

 

So you really think this is the best course? Ten years out your going to wish to God you left sooner. I would just tell her what you know. I would also tell her the only way you will stay with her and work this out is if she quits school now and gets a full time job. I would make it clear you wont be supporting her. If she wants to save the marriage then she can pay for herself and marriage counseling. As soon as she landed the job within her first pay check I would file for divorce. Your never going to forget that your a placeholder for her. This is not something you come back from. The sooner you get out and fight for your kids the better off you will be in the long run.

 

If you think staying with a cheater is painful then wait ten years after you away from her and think about how foolish it was that you stayed with her and supported her just so she could go live a wonderful life with that guy.

 

I stayed with a serial cheater for ten years. Sure I still get triggers over the cheater. Its the fact I stayed with her that kills me the most. I regret that daily. Have respect for yourself and your kids and end this charade today.

 

Damn that hurt to even type.

 

C

[ericsvibe]

Per my attorney, because she doesn't have a career(she works retail part time right now), she can file for spousal support, and will get it. She has only worked sporadically the last 4 years. She started college before we were married, but dropped out the middle of her junior year. She has already talked to a local university who has accepted her, she has basically 18 months to a BD. Once she has that, she will not be able to plead to the court that I must support her. Right now, she can't even afford an apartment. I have always paid everything, the mortgage, her car payment, my car payment, all of the utilities.

 

 

I have to play the long game, I do feel relieved that I haven't gone crazy. I at least finally know the truth.

 

 

Only my oldest son can handle what is going on. I talked to him yesterday, about the possibility that it might end. Of course, he already knew. He was afraid of having to pick one of us, I assured him that he won't have to.

[GorillaTheater]

When I advised playing the long game I'm not sure I was thinking 18 months' worth.

 

 

But listen to your attorney and follow the best course for you. We'll see if playing this out for 18 months will work for you.

 

 

I'm a little confused about enrolling in couple's counseling and tipping off your son. Have you and your wife talked about this, or are you still playing dumb?

[ericsvibe]

When I advised playing the long game I'm not sure I was thinking 18 months' worth.

 

 

But listen to your attorney and follow the best course for you. We'll see if playing this out for 18 months will work for you.

 

 

I'm a little confused about enrolling in couple's counseling and tipping off your son. Have you and your wife talked about this, or are you still playing dumb?

 

 

My wife has some anger issues. Lately, she has been exploding on the kids and I for little to no reason. I used this as the excuse for counseling. In reality, I think she is feeling guilty, and that is why she is deflecting everything on me.

 

 

I talked to my son not about the A, but about her recent outbursts, and that I want to try to help her. He has been asking questions like, "dad, whats wrong with mom", and "why is mom acting like this".

 

 

Because she still hasn't told the truth, she is attempting to make every problem, my problem. Saying stuff like, "you need to do more around the house", "the kids are stressing me out and you just stand there taking their side".

 

 

None of that is true, that's just how she perceives it. Lately, she has adopted this me against the world attitude. Even without the A, she has made the last couple of months a struggle.

[kgcolonel]

Have you thought of taking a look at the dates she left you to be with the OM and compared that to the conception dates of your children? They may not be your children....worth a look?

[QuietDan]

Get tested for STD's.

I suspect with all of this recent awareness and information that you have acquired, your views, and emotions have somewhat changed towards your wife. She probably doesn't know why, but I think she can tell something has changed in the dynamics of the relationship. Your body language, the tone of your voice, your attitude, choice of words.....

It is apparent that she has lost some of her ability to control and manipulate you.

You also sound a bit more confident.

A wayward in a long running affair is use to being in control and manipulating things.

Her stressed out emotional chaos may be a result of the subtle change in the dynamics of power and control.

[somanymistakes]

Have you thought of taking a look at the dates she left you to be with the OM and compared that to the conception dates of your children? They may not be your children....worth a look?

 

What good is it going to do anyone to make his home life more stressful and possibly destroy the children's lives and self-images? Even if it proves that they ARE his biological children, thinking that he doubted them and might have been looking to get rid of them is a devastating psychological blow.

[elaine567]

What good is it going to do anyone to make his home life more stressful and possibly destroy the children's lives and self-images? Even if it proves that they ARE his biological children, thinking that he doubted them and might have been looking to get rid of them is a devastating psychological blow.

 

I agree.

Opening that can of worms could end up being a nightmare for all concerned.

I guess Eric loves his kids, what is he going to do if they aren't his, just disown them?

He already said the dates don't match up anyway.

Thankfully, the timing of these "trysts" were after the birth of our children. The first trip came when my oldest was 6 months old. The walkout came after our second was about 8 months old. The other two came after he was locked up for the 10 year period.

[starpower]

Why are you waiting for 18 months? Isn't this what she and her boyfriend want? For her to carry on in the marriage till he is released and then to get married?

 

You'll just be handing her exactly what she wants at the time. You're essentially working to there timeline.

[Darren Steez]

I just can't believe someone can be so deceitful. .

 

To be fair apart from sticking a giant billboard with flashing lights on the front lawn with a live choir with everyone holding mega phones, she could have possibly made it clearer what she was doing...

[Darren Steez]

Why are you waiting for 18 months? Isn't this what she and her boyfriend want? For her to carry on in the marriage till he is released and then to get married?

 

You'll just be handing her exactly what she wants at the time. You're essentially working to there timeline.

 

What a surprise...

[Maraud3r]

I agree.

Opening that can of worms could end up being a nightmare for all concerned.

I guess Eric loves his kids, what is he going to do if they aren't his, just disown them?

He already said the dates don't match up anyway.

It is already a nightmare for him, altough it hasn't sunken in properly to him yet. As it appears he is wholly content to effectively keep going and support her till she is ready to kick him to the curb and get the spousal support and other stuff anyway.

 

His relationship is done for, his wife in all likelihood a serial cheater that used him for her own convenience. It's only going to get worse from here on out no matter what.

 

And if the children aren't his, then holding the actual father accountable is in his best interest. Given she is a cheater, there is genuine doubt on the paternity even if the dates do not align with the prison guy.

 

And maybe, just maybe he wouldn't be forced to pay support for 4 children who might not be his, as his ex wife takes off to live with the new guy. After hs effectively dragged her through college and gets saddled with the debts?

[elaine567]

I know there is a general view that justice needs to be served on the cheating wife and that it needs to be swift and harsh. Knee jerk reactions.

BUT there is much to be said for the long game here.

He doesn't want to bite off his nose to spite his face.

He now knows the score, he knows his rights, he has consulted an attorney, he can afford to sit back and do whatever is right for him and his kids long term. He needs to think clever here.

Too many betrayed guys on here have reacted out of hurt, anger and a need for revenge in such situations and later regretted it as it proved to be not in their best interests at all.