Need Some Insight

[CTMoz]

I'm new here, and kind of at my wits end trying to figure things out.

 

I've never been one to jump to conclusions or quick judgments. I give people the benefit of the doubt a lot more than I should.

 

A little backstory:

 

My girlfriend and I dated for almost a year. She had a son, who was 6 months when I met them. I had a daughter who was 3 when we met. Her son never knew his dad, and my daughter her mom. So, my girlfriend and I after a great year of a relationship decided to make us one big happy family. We've never fought, never had any issues, and nothing negative. We got married and two weeks later she left me. We got a quick divorce, I asked questions, never got answers, but I didn't chase her.

 

She got back together with her abusive ex, who she hadn't seen in over a year. He got her pregnant. She decided to leave him and come back. She admitted the mistake, and after a lot of soul searching and being able to find comfort in the fact that we could make this work, I took her back.

 

Things weren't the same, obviously. But nothing serious. I told her I didn't think we needed to rush things, and just be patient. So, after several months of working through things, I gave her another ring and pledged my commitment. She was ecstatic, and things seemed rather great. Then we had our first fight. And she said some things that didn't sit well with me, and I decided to vent a little frustration. I said some mean things, and some careless things. But there was never any name calling or nothing I would consider unforgivable.

 

She told me she was done. That her heart wasn't in it. And I was a horrible person. And maybe I am, but...there was never any reason given why I was such. I apologized for my tone and my for my outburst, the first, in our relationship.

 

She then blocked me from everything. It's been a week, and today is Mother's Day, and my daughter really misses her. I'd like to believe she'll come around, but the other part of me is not sure I want her to.

 

Is one fight justification for just abandoning things? Or is there more to it, on her end?

[preraph]

Maybe it is for someone just leaving an abusive relationship. Tired of fighting, and afraid of fighting. So sorry for both your children.

[LostOnes05]

Dude...she left you and got pregnant by her allegedly abusive ex. Something just doesn't sit right with that. He was probably in the picture the entire time. And he was so abusive that (after she left you) she ran into his arms and decided it was a great idea to get pregnant by him??? The fact that you took her back after all of that gave her the opportunity to walk all over you. I'd close the door on her coming back, she's wasted enough of your time.

[Goodguy05]

Gee dude she left u twice can u really trust her? I don't think so dude.

[Tiga]

Based on what you wrote, it seems that she can't let go of her abusive ex. Seems like she is either running back to him or he has always been involved without you knowing. I thought my story sucked, I am sorry, she married you and divorced you two weeks later. Then got pregnant by her ex, wow that is some ****ed up ****. Excuse my language. That girl has some emotional issues.

 

Maybe I don't know the entire story as you did not go into too much detail what caused the break ups and etc. But based on what you wrote, I truly feel like you need to let her go before you get a child with her. She seems like she doesn't know what she wants and is all over the place.

 

The fact that you forgave her for divorcing you and getting pregnant with another guy shows that you must love her so much and unconditionally.

 

You know deep down what the best thing for you is, follow that. Good luck and I hope you heal from this.

[CTMoz]

So the details are like this:

 

We had a great relationship, up until we got married. We never had a fight or argument. We had some disagreements, but there was never anything detrimental. After we got married, she started getting a little sketchy. She got a little distant and a little less settled. She complained about her mother trying to control our lives, but never did any distancing from her. I just chalked it up to a new situation and making adjustments. I got home one day, and she was packing and said she was leaving. I asked her why and she told me she wasn't happy. I didn't fight or argue with her. I actually helped her move out and told her I would always love her.

 

She came back pregnant. I took her back. Things were a little awkward at times, but seemed to be progressing. Then she got distant again. She stopped making time for us, and stopped putting in any effort. She left her son with me on several occasions for hours on end while she either rested from the pregnancy or needed to take pictures for her business.

 

I asked her about the lack of time and she said she just didn't feel well. And I was okay with that response until she decided to start going to her parents house after refusing plans with me. I got a little irritated because it seemed the only way I was getting to see her was if I was either spending money on her doing something, or taking her to eat, or coming to clean her house.

 

We got in the car and went to Target one night. I had a horrible day at work, had to be there the next day early, and coupled with cranky kids and lack of sleep, I told her in Target we should've just waited until Saturday instead of making it an evening trip. She said I didn't have to come and that she would've come alone. That kinda set me off going back to lack of time together.

 

We argued about it for a minute or so, and after leaving Target she said she had a headache and didn't want to talk anymore. And I prodded around a little at her trying to figure out what her deal was. Then she fired out that she just couldn't do this anymore and she was done.

 

Then I got upset. I asked her why she came back if she would leave over something so trivial. Told her she didn't seem to love my daughter. That a mother wouldn't do that. Again. And so on. I was mean.

 

I realize now that she probably said she was done, just to shut me up. She played on my insecurities. Instead of shutting up, I retaliated. It was wrong of me.

 

Pressed on if she wanted to work on things, she said no, and blocked me. She has refused to speak of me, or to me to anyone. It's a very small town, so word travels fast. I haven't approached her to talk. Just took my daughter to give her a Mother's Day gift, which she all but refused when she wouldn't come to the door. I realize I probably shouldn't have done that either, but from my stand point, it was more about my daughter than it was about me. Looking back, it probably seemed odd.

 

Anyways, it's been a week, and she claims to mutual friends she has forgiven me, but will not hear an apology and doesn't want to talk about it.

 

She was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused as a child. I do figure one fight probably was enough for her. I guess with the body of our relationship on my end of being calm and being understanding, that one blowup wouldn't end it. Oh well.

 

I do know what I need to do. I've in return, blocked her as well. Not out of spite, but just in case she does come calling back. My daughter and I deserve better, but it has been hard.

[spiderowl]

She has already messed you about once. It was very likely she would do the same again. She seems too fickle and likely to wreck a relationship that appears to be going well. I am not surprised you got frustrated and upset for once; it was a long time coming. I don't think you did anything wrong. She did not seem as invested as you and was distancing herself a lot of the time. All you did was to point out what was happening. She couldn't take you calling her out on her behaviour and so she left. Why should you put up with a distant girlfriend? Why don't you find someone who loves you for you, not what you do for them?

Edited May 15, 2017 by spiderowl

[Elias33]

I think the second time around, all she needed you for was security and comfort, nothing more. Good decision of you to block her, you will not regret it.

[CTMoz]

I'm curious:

 

Her and I have had no contact with each other. It's a very very small town, and word travels fast. Nothing stays a secret or anything, so in essence, if it is said, it will be repeated. It was brought to my attention she was trashing me on her Twitter account. I have her blocked, and as far as I know, she does me as well. I made the mistake of pressing the issue with a friend over what she was saying, and they sent me screenshots. I was a little taken back and angry over it, to be honest.

 

She has claimed several times to people she is happy, content, and loves her life the way it is now. But, on her social media, she is bashing me, blaming me, and "subtweeting" about things I've made note of on my own account. (Completely, unrelated to her. But, she thinks they're about her I guess.)

 

So I know she has been checking my feed somehow, I don't care really.

 

But why all the anger? Why all the bitterness? I obviously said some hurtful things during our fight, but if you're so over it, why redirect the blame and keep the nonsense up?

 

Is this that whole concept of "rewriting history" and redirecting blame so she can cope? I've been labeled crazy I'm sure, and inconsiderate, and all your other negative connotations. I really don't care about the labels either, one thing about the truth is, it tends to come out.

[enddeck]

Buddy this woman is bad news all round.Block her on everything,if any of your friends bring her up in conversation tell them you dont want to know anything about her and get on with raising your daughter without this toxic woman around.

[CTMoz]

I know she is bad news. I know she is messed up. I really don't hate her though. I'm just somewhat indifferent to it. I showed patience, grace, and love. I didn't get it in return. That's fine. Not everyone see's life the way I do.

 

Sometimes, you swing and miss.

 

From my end, there isn't a going back to this, ever. No way in you know what.

 

I was just curious as to the post-breakup behavior?

 

I've not been in many relationships, and the ones I have, ended well and as friends. I was divorced once before, but my daughters mother just left about 3 months after she was born, and never spoke to us again. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure her family has heard from her in several years.

 

I think the curiosity and the hurt I do feel is based off of giving so much of myself and my life to someone who in return, rejected it. Which, really, is on her, and not me. But after nearly a month, it's just hard to digest at times.

[Marc878]

She's told you and shown you who she is. It's up to you to believe it. Or not

[CTMoz]

She's told you and shown you who she is. It's up to you to believe it. Or not

 

So the post break-up behavior is just a reflection of the person she is? I won't argue that, at all.

 

I had just found myself curious if there was a sense of regret and guilt, based on the actions. Maybe, and most likely, I was hoping for that. Not that I truly need it, but I am human, like all of you. I think we all want/need that ego boost from time to time.

[Marc878]

This was a dead end street. You have no idea how lucky you are that she ended it when you wouldn't.

 

Stay away from rebounds

[CTMoz]

All right. Do I have issues or what? It's been well over a month, there has been no contact to speak of, outside of a random bumping into at the city park where nothing was said between us. But here I am, knowing she is bad news, knowing she is trouble, and knowing there isn't a future.

 

But, 45 days of no contact or so, and all of a sudden, I want to hear from her. I have no idea why. I'm literally sick over it today. I haven't done it, and I'm not going to, but why now would I just be having these "withdrawals" from her?

[jasonj09]

I understand the longing for wanting someone near, but her issues seem to be the problem.here. your willingness to give her a chance after what I consider the ultimate betrayal says a lot about your character as a man. I think you'll find someone who compliments your strength of character, and the loneliness will dissipate in time and provide the clarity that you need. Best of luck to you.

[CTMoz]

I hate to continually revisit this, because I KNOW what I need to do, and what I should do, and so forth. However, it's been 2 months of No Contact, and the last week or so, I seem to be worse off than I was originally. I had a spell there about the 30 day mark where I thought I was really out of the woods, and indifferent. But for some reason, I just want to sit down and talk with her. Not get back together, not reconcile the relationship, but just to have a talk.

 

I know nothing will come of it. I know reaching out would just end in giving her the ego boost and leaving me feeling even worse. After all, my daily life is less chaotic, and I have more time for my daughter and I. So, I'm not so sure why all of a sudden; now, I just want to see her.

 

Is this normal? Or have I just not given myself enough time?

[Spartakooty]

I think you need to move on...like now. The withdrawls are perfectly normal. Do you not think you deserve better? While she obviously has issues, it seems you may as well when it comes to attachment.

[CTMoz]

I think you need to move on...like now. The withdrawls are perfectly normal. Do you not think you deserve better? While she obviously has issues, it seems you may as well when it comes to attachment.

 

I have no desire to move forward with her. I was just curious about the withdrawals. It was my understanding that with no contact and working on yourself and healing, one would find closure within themselves. I thought I had, honestly. And then it a week ago the withdrawals came. I hadn't had them since the first week or so of no contact.

 

It's not really an attachment. I think my biggest attachment issue was to her son, who I have missed more than her, honestly. He called me dadda and so on. I really, truly, have no desire to reconcile with her. Really.

 

That's why I was just curious about my current feelings. Which aren't as powerful as they were. I've stayed no contact.

[Downtown]

She was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused as a child.

CTMoz, your exW's history of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse are serious red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I am speaking based on my 15 years of experience with my exW, who was sexually abused by her father for several years in childhood. Significantly, childhood sexual abuse is strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from.

 

Granted, most abused children do NOT develop BPD. Such abuse, however, greatly raises their risk for developing it -- and this is particularly true when the abuse is sexual. See BPD and Childhood Sexual Abuse and the study, Child Sex Abuse and BPD. Also see Sexual Abuse and Psychiatric Disorders and the study, Psychological Consequences of Sexual Abuse.

 

I will not go back to the chaos that is her mental state.

CTMoz, the most common cause of emotional instability is not BPD but, rather a strong hormone change -- as occurs during pregnancy. There are two reasons, however, why your exW's instability does not seem to arise from her pregnancy. One is that she walked away from your two-week marriage and divorced you well before she slept with her Ex and got pregnant. The other reason -- as I noted above -- is that the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in childhood is strongly associated with BPD. Indeed, four of the nine defining traits for BPD are behaviors characterized by emotional instability.

 

She told me she was done... and I was a horrible person.... On her social media, she is bashing me, blaming me.

This all-or-nothing view of you as being "horrible" is called "black-white thinking." If your exW is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum), she is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Hence, like a young child, she will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

But why all the anger? Why all the bitterness?

It sounds like your exW's anger and bitterness did not originate during your evening trip to Target but, rather, during her early childhood when she was being abused. Because a BPDer has been carrying enormous anger and hurt deep inside since childhood, you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Instead, you only have to say or do some trivial thing that TRIGGERS the anger that's already there. This is why BPDers can flip from one mood to the other in just ten seconds. And this is why an angry comment at Target can quickly trigger a flip from loving you to devaluing you.

 

I will not tolerate the skewed perception she has.

If she exhibits strong traits of BPD, she likely perceives of physical reality just fine. Her inability to regulate emotions produces feelings so intense that they distort her perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Because that distortion occurs at the subconscious level, a BPDer believes -- at a conscious level -- that these distorted perceptions accurately reflect the reality of how you truly feel.

 

Is this that whole concept of "rewriting history" and redirecting blame so she can cope?

Yes, that's what it is called. It also is called "splitting." It arises in BPDers because their subconscious minds work 24/7 protecting their fragile egos from seeing too much of reality in their interpersonal relationships. The subconscious accomplishes this by projecting nearly all hurtful feelings and painful thoughts onto you.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exW exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. There is nothing subtle about behaviors such as instability, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you.

 

It was my understanding that with no contact and working on yourself and healing, one would find closure within themselves. I thought I had, honestly. And then it a week ago the withdrawals came

As Sparta observes, that "withdrawal" is perfectly normal even after several months. As with the recovery from a muscle strain, the healing process for a trauma is not linear. You will not get a little bit better each day. Instead, you likely will improve gradually for many days and then have a day where you feel like you're back at step 1. It feels like you've made little or no progress. Remember, it is just a feeling. Don't believe it. All your progress is still there. Over time, those bad days will get spaced farther and farther apart until, eventually, they will stop altogether.

 

My girlfriend and I dated for almost a year.... We had a great relationship, up until we got married.... and two weeks later she left me.

If your exW really is a BPDer, one important question is how she managed to hide her anger issues and instability for a full year. Granted, a BPDer typically does not show these traits during the honeymoon period because her infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation holds her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay and thus prevents you from triggering her anger and instability.

 

However, when the infatuation starts to evaporate -- usually about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- both fears quickly return and you will start triggering them. In some cases, that intense infatuation period can last as long as a year, especially if you're not yet living together. This is why, with BPDers, it is common for sexual activity to go off a cliff immediately after the wedding -- if not before.

 

Told her she didn't seem to love my daughter. That a mother wouldn't do that.

A second important question is whether your exW was merely acting or, rather, she truly loved you and your daughter. BPDers are capable of loving intensely, albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love. In contrast, full-blown narcissists and sociopaths are unable to love. I mention this because it is concerning that your exW has made no efforts to soften the blow on your young daughter. Indeed, she wouldn't even come to the door when your DD tried to give her a Mother's Day present. I therefore ask whether you were convinced that your exW truly loved both of you or, instead, was simply playing a role of "the good mother/wife" -- as a narcissist or sociopath would do?

 

Is one fight justification for just abandoning things? Or is there more to it, on her end?

Sounds like there is more to it on her end. Lots more. I therefore suggest that, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with your exW, you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your daughter have been dealing with.

 

While your looking for a good psychologist, it would be prudent to learn how to spot the red flags for BPD and NPD so you're able to better protect yourself and your daughter. Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exW's issues. Although BPD symptoms are easy to spot when they are strong, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking your exW back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread -- and read the description of what it's like to live with a BPDer wife for 23 years in Salparadise's post. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join Sal and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, CTMoz.