Don't know what happened UPDATE: I'm not healing.

[MeadowFlower]

I personally think it is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS that guys or girls breakup a relationship because the spark is gone. Like seriously what the heck??? Love is not all about the spark, it's a commitment, a decision. What about the friendship in the relationship, that doesn't count for nothing. It's so rubbish to break it off because of a missing 'spark'.

Edited January 6, 2017 by MeadowFlower

[jamili]

True. Being idealistic it is possible that they dont realize you are the right one until they meet a few wrong ones.

 

The old dont know what you've got until it's gone. But unlikely I guess.

 

No, I agree, it's definitely possible, and probably not that all uncommon.

[MeadowFlower]

I've learned the hard way just to let it go and cut them off. the more you push the more you contact them the more you push them away.

 

The spark went? Yah I've heard that one before it was code for I met someone else.

 

Not saying that's what has happened to you but it could be anything none of which are good.

 

 

The old let's just be friends is code for let's not be enemies but I don't give a dam about you as a person or as a friend, and you'll never hear from me again. Friends? BS

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

What about if the guy (dumper) had been trying to work through his feelings and see if it was just a 'blip' and just the relationship getting more comfortable...?

 

I (the dumpee) practically forced him to tell me how he felt about me since I wasn't sure of his feelings anymore because he never told me. Thats when I had the whole 'I don't think the spark we had is there anymore'.

 

Could it ever be possible that after a break and going NC, that he will remember how things were when the spark was there, miss me maybe and long to try again after all? He pursued me in the beginning and I wasn't so sure then, so its a complete role reversal here.

 

Because he did say thats what he was doing, he was 'trying' although I wasn't aware the relationship was in that much danger, but if I did then maybe we could of worked through it together?

[elaine567]

What about if the guy (dumper) had been trying to work through his feelings and see if it was just a 'blip' and just the relationship getting more comfortable...?

 

I (the dumpee) practically forced him to tell me how he felt about me since I wasn't sure of his feelings anymore because he never told me. Thats when I had the whole 'I don't think the spark we had is there anymore'.

 

Could it ever be possible that after a break and going NC, that he will remember how things were when the spark was there, miss me maybe and long to try again after all? He pursued me in the beginning and I wasn't so sure then, so its a complete role reversal here.

 

Because he did say thats what he was doing, he was 'trying' although I wasn't aware the relationship was in that much danger, but if I did then maybe we could of worked through it together?

 

Better not to wait around for dumpers to make their minds up, you could wait forever.

Dumpers often say they are "confused" when faced with questions from the dumpee, they usually(but not always) just don't want to come right out and say "There is no chance this will ever work" as they then may find the dumpee gets very angry or ends up in floods of tears or argues with them, better to kick the can down the road and say "I don't know how I feel" and get out of the awkward situation.

In your case he effectively shut you down by saying "The spark went out", there is little come back from that and nothing you can do to make it better, so it is over bar the shouting...

 

The spark went out is a non offensive way of dumping someone, it leaves little wiggle room and it is not insulting.

"It is not my fault it is not your fault, but with no spark it is all over"

 

Of course some people live for the spark, the chemistry, the lust, the "high" of being in "love", and once it is gone they do just dump people.

 

Whether it is a "nice way" of dumping someone or you got yourself involved with a thrill seeker, it is actually immaterial; by telling you the spark has gone, they just do not want to be with you any longer.

Sorry!

[basil67]

Ego.. ego..we dont need to display our ego.

This is totally different than what you previously posted to the OP.

 

She wasn't asking about a long term marriage

[Tribble]

You aren't going to be able to work through this together because... you aren't together.

 

He may regret it yes, who are we to say? And it's hard to know why he did break up with you because the 'spark' means different things to different people and sometimes it is an excuse to avoid telling you the truth as others have said.

 

At the end of the day though, he made his decision and that's that. Time for you to move on. If he comes back in the future, assess things then and decide what to do, but don't hold out for it. Don't hope, or even think, about it happening.

 

Sure dumpers sometimes regret it. For example, I was seeing a guy for a few months. I liked him, I was excited to see where it could go, we had good chemistry - some might call it a spark. But we had conflicting schedules and we saw each other maybe once a week and it was always the same thing we did. I still liked him, but the excitement was gone. My feelings had stalled and I ended it. We stayed friendly, after all, we'd only seen each other for a few months and we started out as friends, we get on very well. I never regretted my decision. Until I saw him a month later. The chemistry was there, there was the excitement that I'd felt in the beginning back again. Now I'm questioning whether I made the right decision. Whether I ended it too soon out of fear - better to end it now rather than later. But at the end of the day, I made my decision then and I can't take it back. Neither can your ex. Even if he comes back, you'll worry. Every time he's a bit off, you'll worry he's lost this elusive spark again and that he's going to end it.

 

Move on and heal, don't wallow in the past. Some advise I should take myself haha.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I think we are talking about two different things. The OP has a partner who doesn't understand that the spark going out is no cause for breaking up a relationship. It's normal to have the beginning spark go out while you are in a relationship not a marriage, unless you jump into a marriage in the first 2-3 years. If you wait for longer to get married, the spark will start to extinguish before you are married.

 

For example, let's say you get married 10 months into dating. Now because you are married, you think you should try to work out losing the spark? But if you were just dating 10 months, then it's not worth it? I don't know, marriage seems like a very arbitrary line to draw, to say that because you are married it's suddenly a priority to work it out, but not if you are "just in a relationship." I think both requires work and commitment.

 

That is why I date someone for a long time before I consider marriage. I like to see how they act when the going gets rough before I get the law involved in my relationship.

[Been]

The spark doesn't just disappear. If you are with someone say for 2 years you don't all the sudden lose interest. Usually what happens is that person takes the other for granted. They stop doing the things they used to do for the SO. So as time goes on the SO other starts to pull back until they end up leaving.

[Sweetfish]

The spark doesn't just disappear. If you are with someone say for 2 years you don't all the sudden lose interest. Usually what happens is that person takes the other for granted. They stop doing the things they used to do for the SO. So as time goes on the SO other starts to pull back until they end up leaving.

 

Yes it does... The spark is a crude way of saying the loss of Oxytocin.

 

The man and woman pair bond and the brain gets to work and starts pumping Oxytocin... the brain cannot maintain this for long maybe a 1-3 years.

 

The pair bond is suppose to shift from the mother to her offspring. If you don't create an offspring... the pair bond shifts to another male.

 

This is why countless relationships fail in the 2-3 year mark.

[marky00]

Yes it does... The spark is a crude way of saying the loss of Oxytocin.

 

The man and woman pair bond and the brain gets to work and starts pumping Oxytocin... the brain cannot maintain this for long maybe a 1-3 years.

 

The pair bond is suppose to shift from the mother to her offspring. If you don't create an offspring... the pair bond shifts to another male.

 

This is why countless relationships fail in the 2-3 year mark.

 

lol.

 

 

I feel better now about my failed relationship haha.

[basil67]

Yes it does... The spark is a crude way of saying the loss of Oxytocin.

 

For you perhaps.

 

But for me, Oxytocin is not what I refer to when I say "spark". To me, the spark is when he walks in the door and I still get a thrill that he's part of my life. I guess for me, the 'spark' is more about love and appreciation of him.

[Sweetfish]

For you perhaps.

 

But for me, Oxytocin is not what I refer to when I say "spark". To me, the spark is when he walks in the door and I still get a thrill that he's part of my life. I guess for me, the 'spark' is more about love and appreciation of him.

 

 

That's exactly what its suppose to be

[basil67]

That's exactly what its suppose to be

 

So do we agree that if the spark (love and appreciation) is gone, then it's a very good reason to end the relationship??

[Sweetfish]

So do we agree that if the spark (love and appreciation) is gone, then it's a very good reason to end the relationship??

 

No...

 

because spark does not equal love and appreciation.

 

However, the understanding of true love and appreciation can lead to the spark

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

When my ex broke up with me a week ago, I told him that its going to hurt and it would be best if we don't contact each other, at least not for a while.

 

He dumped me as he felt the spark had gone in our relationship after only 6 months. Im struggling to understand how someone can feel for you one moment (he did to begin with) then really not care the next?!! (Although he did say he cared about me, but did the whole 'its not you, its me, I don't understand myself cause you're great blah blah'.)

 

Anyway after texting and meeting up solidly for 6 months... I find it very odd to not be in touch with him in any shape or form.

 

I did say it would be best not to be in contact, but I did think he might have text me to see if im ok and how im feeling. (I was really upset during the breakup) Because when we had fallen out before I told him not to speak to me he still did text saying things like 'Thinking of you and hope you're ok'.

 

It hurts that he has literally completely cut me out of his life!! Would he of been in touch regardless of what I said if he really had cared?? I haven't broke NC. The moment he dumped me I haven't been in touch since.

 

[]

Edited January 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
threads merged ~6

[PegNosePete]

It hurts that he has done exactly what you asked him to do?

 

Sorry but you need to get your head straight here.

[samantha_t85]

So...wait. You asked him not to contact you, and now you're miffed that he hasn't contacted you? Seriously?

 

When I've been in the crappy position of having to break up with someone, I did whatever we agreed would help them heal. If NC was part of that agreement, I'd have adhered to that as well.

 

Time to move on dear.

[jorgeg3d]

People who are unsure, will never realize what they have. Its easier to blame a relationship than themselves. And try to do something about it like better themselves.

[Blanco]

Sounds like he called your bluff.

 

It took me many years and several relationships to finally learn that you don't say or do anything that you aren't willing to fully own.

 

In your case, it sounds like you viewed NC as a ploy of sorts to get him interested again. Instead, he took your words at face value.

[stillafool]

Why do some women say one thing but really mean another? If you told me not to contact you I wouldn't either. I would respect your wish that it is over and not to contact each other so we both can move on. Not, "don't contact me" and then I contact you showing I don't respect your wish.

[Blanco]

Why do some women say one thing but really mean another? If you told me not to contact you I wouldn't either. I would respect your wish that it is over and not to contact each other so we both can move on. Not, "don't contact me" and then I contact you showing I don't respect your wish.

 

Unfortunately, there's a lot of misinformation out there about NC being a tool to get your ex to come back to you.

[stillafool]

Unfortunately, there's a lot of misinformation out there about NC being a tool to get your ex to come back to you.

 

Some people don't hang out on forums and no nothing about the NC rule. They just believe people when they tell them something.

[umirano]

I haven't read your back story. Why would you tell him not to talk to you when you were fighting while in the relationship? Maybe that type of immature behavior contributed to him not feeling the spark anymore?

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Guys... I suppose I secretly hoped he'd miss me and contact me anyway to say he made a mistake. Because I guess if he truly did then he would contact me despite what i've said because he dumped me and hes hurt me.