I want the impossible

[Fair]

You know, it never fails to amaze me that married people don't seem to know commitment is a choice not something you only stick to until the lust runs out. Do they really not know going in that one day their partner is going to change, get old, get fat, sick, or whatever else and that there'll come a day when many others will look more attractive to them? This is something that should be considered before they take vows to remain with one person for life... but it's like everyone has a subconscious plan to get divorced as soon as things are less than ideal or to start having affairs. so why get married in the first place?

[Fair]

Also I just have to say, it gets really tiring hearing married people complain that they can't have it all... that they can't have their cake and eat it too... there are people out there who have no family, no friends, and maybe not a single person alive who gives a sh** about them. If you have someone who is committed to you and willing to stand by you for the rest of your life, you should be counting your damned blessings.

[aileD]

Your honesty is refreshing.

 

That said, your behavior at the party with the OW was completely disrespectful to your wife. I'm glad she callled you out on it.

 

I too think that that you are in this fantasy world. Yes you connected. Yes you felt you had something.. chemistry...whatever.....but everyone feels like that st the beginning of something.

 

By cutting it off now, youve done good for your wife and marriage but it also leaves you in the fantasy world of perfection and star crossed lovers....just don't forget that.

[wmacbride]

I dropped off this thread because, well, frankly, you guys weren't doing it for me. So many of you have done the hardcore version of this dance that I think that you forget that you have to come to terms with yourself before you can really take any positive steps forward with anybody else. The only reason I'm even sharing this with you strangers is that I just needed a place to vent and a place to articulate. Doing that helps me think. I felt bad about the whole thing, both selfishly so, and nobly so. I thought I had to take care of the selfish part first. I've said that a million times, so I'll move on. I'm back because I felt like I should close the loop with you all. I dread how most of you will react.

 

Since that time, I've seen OW again. My wife was with me that time, and to tell you the truth, I was scared ****less - not because I was with my wife, but because of the way I'd left it with OW. To me, this was like a breakup, and usually when you breakup, there are hard feelings unless nobody gives a damn. I didn't have any ill will towards her, but I had no idea how she'd react to me, and since that day, we hadn't talked or emailed or texted. It felt suddenly and purposefully distant between us. That was the part that scared me.

 

When I finally found the courage to approach her, OW was talking to a man, and I walked right up, got her attention by grasping her arm, and I kissed her on the cheek and tentatively said hello. Yes, my wife was there, and while it's not my usual greeting with other women I know, it is my usual greeting for OW. I didn't know what to expect from either of them. I also wasn't exactly sure how to act.

 

The man just kind of slithered away imperceptibly, he was gone before I knew he'd left. OW and my wife chatted for a short while, and then my wife turned her attention to someone else. That's when OW turned to me. She asked me how I was, and she couldn't have been warmer. We quickly went into our usual little world, she was touching my arm, my tie, and I was reciprocating in kind while we chatted in our closer-than-normal personal space. She was looking at me the way I imagine I was looking at her, which was really happy to see her, to be around her again, to be in her company. We indulged ourselves in this little mutual admiration society for probably 15 minutes, and then I noticed my wife motioning at me that we should go. I nodded in assent, and I turned to OW and very impulsively, I pulled her close and kissed her goodbye (again on the cheek, but very close to the mouth) and I lingered there for just a little longer than normal. Then I told her I had to go. From the outside, it probably looked mild, but it was an ardent gesture, and she looked at me like she recognized that. I got a hug, and she squeezed me and pulled me close with her hand, kissed me on the cheek and said goodbye. We were looking at each other like two lovers do, with a lot of unspoken conversation going on. Then I left.

 

My wife and I left the event very soon after, and we gave a neighbor a ride home too. After I dropped the neighbor off, my wife turned to me and asked

Wife: "WTF is going on between you and OW? You looked like a couple of lovebirds."

Me: "Well, the truth is that, as you know, I spent a lot of time with her this summer, and after getting to know her, I just really like her a lot."

W: "**** you, Largo Lagg. Don't tell me that you like other women. You ****ing *******."

M: "You asked, I'm just being honest."

W: "And what about her?"

M: "OW? Oh, she loves me."

W: "Yeah, everybody loves you until they have to live with you. Remember that."

W: "So you like seeing her? Doing things with her?"

M: "Yeah, I do."

W: "Do you want to be with her?"

M: "To be 100% honest, if you weren't around, yeah, I'd probably want to date her, but I'm not single, so I know that's not an option."

W: "Do you think you love her? Do you want permission from me, or what?"

M: "Remember when we first went out, and the way I used to look at you? You said I was so intense it made you uncomfortable at first. Remember that?"

W: "Yes"

M: "Did you see anything like that today?"

W: "No."

M: "Well then, what are you worried about? I never loved anybody like the way I fell in love with you. In marriage, it turns out that my love is like a roller coaster. Sometimes it goes up and sometimes it goes down. That's just the way it is. As for her, I haven't done anything with her more than you saw today. Yes, we're close, and yes, we're attracted to each other, but the line has been drawn there, and besides, I haven't seen her in weeks. I just missed her, that's all, and obviously, she missed me. We were glad to see each other. That's what you saw."

W: "I'll just say this. If you ever get the idea in your head that you want to cheat with her, you come see me first. I'll straighten your ass out right away. Don't you ever cheat on me, do you understand me? I will cut your d*ck off, I promise you."

M: "I understand. OK. You don't have to worry about that."

 

That's probably not word for word, but it's pretty close.

 

And that was pretty much the end of it. Once I got home, and I had a chance to think about it, I realized that what really scared me was that I felt like maybe I had discarded something rare and valuable with OW, that I'd thrown a chance at real love away. That I destroyed this thing between us by rejecting the possibility of us being together. What I realized by seeing her is that her feelings for me are real, and they are not so easily discarded by either of us. I found a lot of comfort in that. I realized that even if she starts dating some other guy(s), I'm always going to be a question mark in her mind, just as she'll always be one in mine. I may not always feel so intensely but I'll always like her, no matter what, and she'll likely feel the same way towards me, that there is some unfinished business between us. I'm not after her for the sex. I get plenty of sex already. It's so much more than that, and we developed the start of a connection that is rare and beautiful and it feels good. But as it stands, I know I've lost nothing, and I think she felt that she lost nothing. We are just in a hard circumstance, given how much we like each other. We both understand the reality of this.

 

The next day, I emailed her some information I came across that was one of the things we talked about. The email was strictly business on my part. She emailed back, thanked me for the info, and closed with something very sweet and with an OXOX. I left it at that, I didn't reply. She knows I was happy to see her. I didn't have to say so. Maybe it was a test to see if I'd reciprocate. It doesn't matter. Neither of us have reached out since then.

 

I felt differently after that. I don't pine anymore. I feel secure in what OW and I have or had, and I understand our boundaries and what we don't have, what we will probably never have. I don't know what to called it, but whatever it is, I'm ok with where we stand. My wife is not a shrew, and my love for her does wax and wane over time, but it hasn't died. I'd never leave just to be with someone else. The only reason I'd ever leave her is for me, and I'm nowhere near ready to leave for my sake.

 

This happened a couple of weeks ago, and while I do miss seeing OW, I'm ok now. Seeing her was good for me. That talk with my wife was good for me. I feel very comfortable with where I ended up. Maybe this is horrible of me, but I also don't regret making that connection with OW. It's a beautiful thing, and I'm also glad we didn't take it to the next level. I'm glad my wife is aware, and that she's not nearly as freaked out about this as many of you seem to be. I like that she's secure enough in our relationship to give me enough rope to hang myself. I know a lot of you think that I did just that, but I'd say maybe I just tried the rope on for size. Anyway, I don't like drama, and my wife is not a drama girl. Thankfully, neither is OW.

 

So where do we go from here? Well, I'll respond to some of you guys tomorrow, and then I'll spend the day cooking and cleaning with my wife for Thanksgiving and have some fun.

 

If I don't talk to you, have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I wish you all well.

 

SO you hit on your ow in front of your wife, and you are proud of that and think it's a good thing?

 

Both you and your ow are certainly special people ( and that is not a good thing). You could carry on like that in front of your wife and think it's okay, and even get a thrill out of it?

 

Is this sort of dishonesty carried over into other parts of your life as well? are you juts as deceptive at work, with your friends, etc.?

[Cymbeline]

You stated that you do not like drama. I would say that is a defence mechanism, because your writing suggests your imagination is fired up with the drama of all all this. Your update is reminiscent of a romance story.

 

Are you bored or feeling short of attention?

[LargoLagg]

why did you choose your wife?

 

I don't mean why didn't you continue the affair and take it further which you answered, I mean, with such strong feelings of connection and love for this other woman why is it you chose not to divorce your wife and persue an out in the open relationship with your OW?

....

Just a few things to hash through. Knowing the real reason why you chose F at this point might help you down the road, when you get some self gumption, to pick a direction and stick to it.

What is the impossible you want and why is it impossible?

The reason is because I've been around the block many more times than once. I know that the temptation of early attraction is strong but also that it comes with a whole lot of illusion and gap-filling too.

 

There are so many things you don't know about people when you first meet them. If you like them, you tend to fill these gaps with your own version of perfection. As you get to know them, you find that you were wrong, until one day you end up disillusioned. In most cases, the disappointment is enough to justify leaving. In very rare cases, if you're lucky, what you find is that even though these people aren't perfect, and are not what you expected, what you did find is compelling enough for you to stick around. They don't disappoint you, but they do pleasantly surprise you.

 

On a timeline, I'm well past disillusionment with my wife. Sometimes, the things she does still surprise me pleasantly, or they remind me of the many things that I like about her. Some things do disappoint, but that goes with the territory, and it is not overwhelming. On that same timeline, with OW, I'm way, way at the beginning. I recognize the unlikeliness that I've found a new soulmate, and I realize that there's really only one way to find out.

 

It's one thing to get rid of a girlfriend to try with someone else, no matter how long you've been together. It's quite another to discard someone for whom you've already made a rational (i.e., measured and informed) decision to stay with and who has not disappointed me. Risk vs. reward, with the added factor that I've already got a reward.

 

Long story short, I stayed because I'm not thinking like a 20 year old.

 

What is the impossible? I wanted to forget my attraction to OW painlessly and instantly. If I could do that, it wouldn't be much of an attraction, would it?

[LargoLagg]

You know, it never fails to amaze me that married people don't seem to know commitment is a choice not something you only stick to until the lust runs out. Do they really not know going in that one day their partner is going to change, get old, get fat, sick, or whatever else and that there'll come a day when many others will look more attractive to them? This is something that should be considered before they take vows to remain with one person for life... but it's like everyone has a subconscious plan to get divorced as soon as things are less than ideal or to start having affairs. so why get married in the first place?

Maybe if we were endowed with the wisdom of experience when we were young, the world would be a different place with different norms. Try not to underestimate the power of unexpected change in your life, especially if you're not perfect. I'm not saying it's right necessarily, but I am saying it is real, and sometimes you just don't cope with change in the best way.

[LargoLagg]

Also I just have to say, it gets really tiring hearing married people complain that they can't have it all... that they can't have their cake and eat it too... there are people out there who have no family, no friends, and maybe not a single person alive who gives a sh** about them. If you have someone who is committed to you and willing to stand by you for the rest of your life, you should be counting your damned blessings.

This seems childish to me. It's akin to saying that you should eat more than you want because there are people starving in Bangladesh.

 

I have a theory about people who have no friends, no one to love, nobody to love them. There's something wrong with those people, and they lack the ability to be introspective so that they can fix it. They'd rather blame the world for being heartless and cruel, and envy those for whom it seems obtaining love and friendship is effortless. I think that if nobody loves or even likes you, then you don't love and like enough either, or at least, you're not doing so selflessly. No doubt that love comes with strings attached, along with a good measure of desperation and neediness.

 

Anyway, I hope that's not you.

[Noideanow]

is this woman a "perfect" woman for you? what was your first reaction to her, "gutfeeling/intuition" or so? (and same with your wife?)

Since you are so much in doubt about which one to choose (my opinion only:clearly not your wife since you could fall for somebody else), could it be you cant hear your heart? If you imagine meeting another woman really something for you could you fall for her now?, eventhough you think you love this "OW", if yes i think that could be a sign "OW" isnt right for you either:o

[LargoLagg]

Your honesty is refreshing.

 

That said, your behavior at the party with the OW was completely disrespectful to your wife. I'm glad she callled you out on it.

 

I too think that that you are in this fantasy world. Yes you connected. Yes you felt you had something.. chemistry...whatever.....but everyone feels like that st the beginning of something.

 

By cutting it off now, youve done good for your wife and marriage but it also leaves you in the fantasy world of perfection and star crossed lovers....just don't forget that.

Yeah, it was. I'll admit that, but in a way, it got the conversation started, and so good things can spring from bad seeds. Whatever you think of the behavior, my wife's opinion is really the only one that matters to me. This behavior is a seedier part of a personality trait that allows me to make friends easily, to be a peacemaker in conflicts and to be a leader in certain endeavors. I'm not sure how to describe that to make you understand, but I see it as part of my general openness about who I am, warts and all, and my genuine curiosity about who you are and my willingness to pursue that with you. 999 times out of 1000, it's harmless and does not interfere with my marriage. This time around, it did. Who knew it would? Usually, it's physical attraction that interests me, and I find that much easier to resist, even if I sense an opportunity to explore that.

 

I'll admit the fantasy world charge, I think I've said as much above, but I'm also aware of it. I think it's one thing to know something in your head, and quite another to not feel that truth in your heart. I'm sure I'll come around, I have no doubt about that, but I've known from the beginning that it would not be instant. That would have been impossible for me, no matter how much I wanted it.

[wmacbride]

Yeah, it was. I'll admit that, but in a way, it got the conversation started, and so good things can spring from bad seeds. Whatever you think of the behavior, my wife's opinion is really the only one that matters to me. This behavior is a seedier part of a personality trait that allows me to make friends easily, to be a peacemaker in conflicts and to be a leader in certain endeavors. I'm not sure how to describe that to make you understand, but I see it as part of my general openness about who I am, warts and all, and my genuine curiosity about who you are and my willingness to pursue that with you. 999 times out of 1000, it's harmless and does not interfere with my marriage. This time around, it did. Who knew it would? Usually, it's physical attraction that interests me, and I find that much easier to resist, even if I sense an opportunity to explore that.

 

I'll admit the fantasy world charge, I think I've said as much above, but I'm also aware of it. I think it's one thing to know something in your head, and quite another to not feel that truth in your heart. I'm sure I'll come around, I have no doubt about that, but I've known from the beginning that it would not be instant. That would have been impossible for me, no matter how much I wanted it.

 

I'm getting the feeling from what you write that you see yourself as being very empathetic and understanding of people.

 

If your current actions are any indication, you are very wrong. Why do you think your wife got angry at what you did? My guess is because it hurt her? Put yourself in her place. How would you feel if you saw her flirting with some guy right in front of you? It is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.

[LargoLagg]

SO you hit on your ow in front of your wife, and you are proud of that and think it's a good thing?

 

Both you and your ow are certainly special people ( and that is not a good thing). You could carry on like that in front of your wife and think it's okay, and even get a thrill out of it?

 

Is this sort of dishonesty carried over into other parts of your life as well? are you juts as deceptive at work, with your friends, etc.?

At the risk of repeating myself, I'm really only concerned with how my wife reacted to what I've done. I haven't read your posts, but the stridency of your words leads me to believe you were the victim of betrayal, much worse than mine. My experience on this forum leads me to believe that you are projecting some of your own experience onto me, where I would counter that you can only wish your WS had stopped where I did, and put his efforts into getting his mind "right", so to speak.

 

Anyway, I don't know that I'm proud of it. I think I acted that way out of fear. If I were to see her today, I'm not sure I'd act the same way, and not just because somebody else was watching. I like that it happened because it moved me forward, closer to where I wanted to go. So many times, after a period of NC, you see the person, and you fall right back to the beginning and it's a struggle to start NC over again. That didn't happen to me. I got a sense of closure out of it, I guess. I came out of the experience more sure that I made the right choice. That doesn't mean it's easy, but it puts the wind at my back, and helps me get to where I want to go.

 

If I had avoided her, or suppressed my feelings and behavior out of a sense of propriety, I'm pretty sure I'd be a lot more frustrated right now, and I wouldn't have progressed as much as I have. If I had a rendezvous with her secretly, I wouldn't have had the benefit of my wife's input. I think a lot of people in reconciliation get tripped up by adherence to norms and what other people think they should do, including the BS. They spend so much time in their heads denying themselves the opportunity to work things out of their system the way they would if they had complete freedom, and it retards their progress. Their BS demand too much from them, not being able to appreciate the difficulty of going from there to here. We're human, you know? We don't come with switches that we can flip on and off just because we made a promise years ago and we've reneged that promise, even if we regret it. Sometimes, we have to walk back on the path that we took to get there. I don't know if that makes any sense to you. I'm guessing it doesn't.

 

If you had been in that room and watched, I'm quite sure you would have been aghast. But if the price of my progress is your disapproval, its one I'm more than willing to pay.

[LargoLagg]

is this woman a "perfect" woman for you? what was your first reaction to her, "gutfeeling/intuition" or so? (and same with your wife?)

Since you are so much in doubt about which one to choose (my opinion only:clearly not your wife since you could fall for somebody else), could it be you cant hear your heart? If you imagine meeting another woman really something for you could you fall for her now?, eventhough you think you love this "OW", if yes i think that could be a sign "OW" isnt right for you either:o

Nobody is perfect for me. Like any other budding relationship, she seems great. I'm sure she is, on balance. She has a very strong outward personality, as I do. People respond positively to us. I told her once that the trouble with people like us is that while that seems great at first, we can be quite difficult people too. That the same thing that makes us appeal to people makes us difficult to live with. She knew exactly what I'm talking about. From a purely analytical perspective, I'd venture to say that down the line, we'd either have a lot of trouble, or we'd mesh very well. There's little chance of a middle ground. So far, it seems like it would work good. Who knows? I'll probably never find out.

 

I'm not in doubt about which one to choose. I'm merely here because the choice is easy, but discarding the other is not. It's not easy to walk away from this, mainly because it feels so good, and it has all the characteristics of a successful relationship, that's all. If I was single, there'd be no question that I'd pursue this. But, I'm married, and that changes everything.

 

First reaction to OW? Surprised, followed closely by intrigued. A little taken aback, actually, quickly followed by admiring. Things grew from there to interested.

 

First reaction to wife? Connected. A lot in common, similar worldview, instantly comfortable. Very interested. Her to me? A player, more trouble than I'm worth. Interested, but wary. I had to do a lot of work just to get that first date. We've been together ever since.

 

So, you mean if I met a third woman? Another OW? No, I don't really see myself falling for anybody else. I can't exaggerate how rare that is for me to do that. I also tend to either lose this kind of attraction very quickly (a few weeks at most) or hold on to them for a very long time.

[LargoLagg]

I'm getting the feeling from what you write that you see yourself as being very empathetic and understanding of people.

 

If your current actions are any indication, you are very wrong. Why do you think your wife got angry at what you did? My guess is because it hurt her? Put yourself in her place. How would you feel if you saw her flirting with some guy right in front of you? It is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.

I don't know that it hurt her so much as she wanted to understand what was happening, to know exactly what she was dealing with. I've seen her with her feelings hurt, and that's not what it was.

 

I hesitate to say this, because I know how it sounds, but this is not the first woman to ever show any interest in me while I've been married or even while we dated. She's seen that before, and I remember one time in particular, the first time, where that hurt her, and not because of anything that I did. We talked about that then, and seeing that sort of thing hasn't bothered her since. But this is the first woman that I've shown a reciprocal interest in since I've known her, and I think she was just taking the temperature before she jumped to any conclusions.

 

I think she trusts me enough to tell her if something is wrong between us. I also think that raises an important point. Just because you have feelings for one person does not mean you can't also have feelings for another. I realize that if you let romantic feelings go unchecked, then they will occupy your mind and crowd your other romantic feelings out. But that doesn't mean they go away.

 

I think my wife would be hurt if I had told her that I didn't love her any more, and that I didn't see how I ever could again. I think she knows, maybe from experience, that attractions come and go, and that while they're here, the best we can hope for is that your spouse won't blow things up to scratch that itch. I think maybe she wanted to know if that's what she was dealing with. I think she gave me the benefit of the doubt.

 

I do think I understand people very well, but not in an empathetic way. The way people think (maybe I should use the word "feel" because "think" gives them too much credit) shocks me sometimes.

Edited November 23, 2016 by LargoLagg

[Noideanow]

Nobody is perfect for me. Like any other budding relationship, she seems great. I'm sure she is, on balance. She has a very strong outward personality, as I do. People respond positively to us. I told her once that the trouble with people like us is that while that seems great at first, we can be quite difficult people too. That the same thing that makes us appeal to people makes us difficult to live with. She knew exactly what I'm talking about. From a purely analytical perspective, I'd venture to say that down the line, we'd either have a lot of trouble, or we'd mesh very well. There's little chance of a middle ground. So far, it seems like it would work good. Who knows? I'll probably never find out.

 

I'm not in doubt about which one to choose. I'm merely here because the choice is easy, but discarding the other is not. It's not easy to walk away from this, mainly because it feels so good, and it has all the characteristics of a successful relationship, that's all. If I was single, there'd be no question that I'd pursue this. But, I'm married, and that changes everything.

 

First reaction to OW? Surprised, followed closely by intrigued. A little taken aback, actually, quickly followed by admiring. Things grew from there to interested.

 

First reaction to wife? Connected. A lot in common, similar worldview, instantly comfortable. Very interested. Her to me? A player, more trouble than I'm worth. Interested, but wary. I had to do a lot of work just to get that first date. We've been together ever since.

 

So, you mean if I met a third woman? Another OW? No, I don't really see myself falling for anybody else. I can't exaggerate how rare that is for me to do that. I also tend to either lose this kind of attraction very quickly (a few weeks at most) or hold on to them for a very long time.

 

ok then I can just hope for you that the letting go proces will be as easy as possible:cool: pardon my assumptions, and hope everybody finds peace of mind and maybe love:love:

[Fair]

This seems childish to me. It's akin to saying that you should eat more than you want because there are people starving in Bangladesh.

 

it seems childish to me to hear this same story from people who want to hang onto their marriages but still have the best of both worlds. Life doesn't work that way. Every grown up should know that. So You're attracted to someone else... it happens. If you don't pursue it, you'll get over it eventually. You must know that, too. so what is your question? Is there an actual question or do you just want people to sympathize with you for not being able to have everything you want?

 

And just because you want marriage doesn't mean everyone does. I don't. Statistically marriage rarely works out, and you along with many others aren't exactly happy campers. Again, your choice. But you just have to live with it if you don't have the courage to change it.

[LargoLagg]

it seems childish to me to hear this same story from people who want to hang onto their marriages but still have the best of both worlds. Life doesn't work that way. Every grown up should know that. So You're attracted to someone else... it happens. If you don't pursue it, you'll get over it eventually. You must know that, too. so what is your question? Is there an actual question or do you just want people to sympathize with you for not being able to have everything you want?

 

And just because you want marriage doesn't mean everyone does. I don't. Statistically marriage rarely works out, and you along with many others aren't exactly happy campers. Again, your choice. But you just have to live with it if you don't have the courage to change it.

Then you didn't read. I'm giving up the other world. It's just a hard thing to do, that's all.

[Fair]

Then you didn't read. I'm giving up the other world. It's just a hard thing to do, that's all.

 

No, actually you didn't read. we get that you're giving up the other world... that doesn't change the fact that you're just feeling sorry for yourself over having to do it. But every married person has to make this choice sooner or later and unfortunately, most choose to try to have both...

[LargoLagg]

No, actually you didn't read. we get that you're giving up the other world... that doesn't change the fact that you're just feeling sorry for yourself over having to do it. But every married person has to make this choice sooner or later and unfortunately, most choose to try to have both...

Oh, ok, I guess I misunderstood you. Yeah, well, sure I feel a little sorry for myself. That's perfectly normal.

 

I can see what you're saying, that's like a guy with a million bucks in the bank crying because he misplaced a lottery ticket. Boo-hoo! Amirite?

 

I think the part that you don't fully appreciate is that

 

a) I didn't HAVE to do it, I chose to do it

 

and

 

b) I'm pretty sure there was a winning number for me on that ticket.

 

I will concede that most people don't make the same choice, but if nothing else, that should convey how difficult it is to do so, even if you've been blessed with more. Maybe this is something you can't understand until you've been there.

[Chica80]

LL I've read through your thread....and I can say I'm not really sure what to make of you.

 

I've been at functions with MM and his wife. It always leaves me feeling really hurt after. He will try to engage, almost to gage how I feel. Am I ok, and maybe not do things that will seem overly hurtful to me. But ours was/is EA and PA, and had not ended when those instances occurred.

 

I have found lots of helpful advice on this forum. And a lot of not so helpful advice. Everyone will give you advice based on their experiences. What is true for them must be true for you.

 

It's good you were honest with your wife, its a start.

[l8estnews]

This really touches a nerve for me because my boyfriend had the emotional affair pretty much like you described. I discovered it and he cut it off and I tried to forgive him. A year later they started all over again, and this time it went to physical and then to him starting a relationship with her. It broke my heart more seeing those loving words, the long conversations, discussing our relationship with her, than if he had just slept with her. I keep telling myself maybe they were just meant to be and we weren't hence why he chose her. I had read many posts where the emotional affairs have progressed and then they regret it, as they realise what they have thrown away for the excitement of attraction and then the sex.

 

I think deep down you know where your heart is, where your happiness is and the grass is not always greener. Also think about the woman that is happy to get involved with someone that is not available. I despise my ex's girlfriend, knowing he was with me and still pursued him, talked rubbish about me (I didn't even know her). I know it takes 2, but I have way more respect for myself than to even go there!

 

 

I hope you're okay now, Kelley. I cannot imagine going through what you have gone through. And the fact that you are still breathing and living despite this kind of betrayal says a LOT about your disposition in life and outlook. I hope you're happy and dating

[whichwayisup]

I think I acted that way out of fear.

 

Fear possibly that the way things ended with exOW, you were scared that she would 'out' you in front of your wife and cause problems? So you over compensated by kissing her and being too touchy in front of your wife to control the situation and keep her from opening her mouth (if she was pissed and still hurting, wanting to blow up your marriage)?

[LargoLagg]

Fear possibly that the way things ended with exOW, you were scared that she would 'out' you in front of your wife and cause problems? So you over compensated by kissing her and being too touchy in front of your wife to control the situation and keep her from opening her mouth (if she was pissed and still hurting, wanting to blow up your marriage)?

No, that never even entered my mind. I don't think she'd do that, and even if she wanted to, I'm sure she'd discuss it with me first. It's an interesting theory, but it's off the mark.

 

I was (afraid is the wrong word) anxious for the reason I stated. Nothing more.

[LargoLagg]

This really touches a nerve for me because my boyfriend had the emotional affair pretty much like you described. I discovered it and he cut it off and I tried to forgive him. A year later they started all over again, and this time it went to physical and then to him starting a relationship with her. It broke my heart more seeing those loving words, the long conversations, discussing our relationship with her, than if he had just slept with her. I keep telling myself maybe they were just meant to be and we weren't hence why he chose her. I had read many posts where the emotional affairs have progressed and then they regret it, as they realise what they have thrown away for the excitement of attraction and then the sex.

 

I think deep down you know where your heart is, where your happiness is and the grass is not always greener. Also think about the woman that is happy to get involved with someone that is not available. I despise my ex's girlfriend, knowing he was with me and still pursued him, talked rubbish about me (I didn't even know her). I know it takes 2, but I have way more respect for myself than to even go there!

You know, you were the first reply, and i missed it completely. I'm sorry for your pain, I'm sure that reminders are the last thing you need.

 

I will say that when you're single, sometimes these things work out for the best, and sometimes they don't. I suppose that could be true for marriage too, but after you get married, you have a lot more ties that bind.

 

Either way, I thank you for your post, and I wish you the best in the future.

[merrmeade]

I'm not in doubt about which one to choose. I'm merely here because the choice is easy, but discarding the other is not. It's not easy to walk away from this, mainly because it feels so good, and it has all the characteristics of a successful relationship, that's all. If I was single, there'd be no question that I'd pursue this. But, I'm married, and that changes everything.

Which makes me keep wondering ehy you're in Infidelity forum rather than OW/OM forum. And if you're really here for commiseration or advice about that, then why you don't just ignore what's unrelated and interact only with posters who share the experience or empathize with you. But you do the opposite; you politely respond to every single post.

 

Why? I thought you weere here for understanding and mee

 

And then I read this:

I think the part that you don't fully appreciate is that

 

a) I didn't HAVE to do it, I chose to do it

 

and

 

b) I'm pretty sure there was a winning number for me on that ticket.

 

I will concede that most people don't make the same choice, but if nothing else, that should convey how difficult it is to do so, even if you've been blessed with more. Maybe this is something you can't understand until you've been there.

and this kind of turns my stomach because I realize it wasnt about commiseration. You want a pat on the back for doing the right thing.