I want the impossible

[wmacbride]

You're too kind. Thank you.I did say that, as part of the conversation about how I couldn't do this. Not my exact words, but something along the lines of "I fell in love with you BUT..." The reason I said that was because I wanted her to know it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to hear it back. Of course I did, but my intent was not the usual one, that this is a gateway to something more. It was to inform. I felt like I had to do it.

 

Sorry for all the edits. Let me answer your other question too, this is what I was trying to say. Would she like it? No. Would she feel betrayed? I don't know, probably on some level, I have to believe that. She'd be hurt, for sure. But I also know that her next question would be: "what are you going to do about it?" That was essentially the question I asked myself, and it didn't take any time to know the answer. And what I wrote about is how I answered that question.I did preface that with "Maybe that's what's going on here", allowing that this is not always true. But some of the responses strike me as coming from victims of full-blown betrayal, projecting what happened to them onto me as if the two things are equivalent. Maybe that's not true at all. Maybe I also heard from a bunch of reformed sinners, who are now self-appointed saints. Either way, I simply reject those interpretations, and it's not all black and white for me. Not everybody who gets drunk is an alcoholic. Not everybody who cheats a little cheats a lot. There are degrees of difference in our actions. I think I'm much closer to the harmless end of the spectrum than I am the harmful end. It could have been so much worse than it was. So that's how I see this.

 

That said, I'm working through the gray areas, questioning my own interpretation as well as the interpretations of others. I'm sincerely trying to understand this well, and maybe with some reflection, I'll come around. I'm not there yet.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

You knowyour comment about projecting?

 

That is exactly what you are doing. You are projecting how you would feel on to your wife.

 

i

[ShatteredLady]

I do understand where you're coming from OP. The problem that I have with your thinking is....

 

You have had an affair!

 

....I know that you think that you did good because you didn't have sex with your OW. You did!! The problem is women, in general, are more damaged by the emotions & men are (again generally) more effected by the sexual details.

 

As a woman I can tell you my marriage will never be the same because of my husbands EA! We are no longer 'innocent'. He has broken our love story. I know my situation is more complex than yours but the knowledge that MY husband said those 3 little words to another woman has shattered me & our marriage. There aren't words to describe the agony. "I love you" means so very much.

 

 

Anyway, the lesson to be learnt is WHERE you drew the line. We are all human & we all feel attraction to others. Sometimes it's the way they look...then they open their mouth & all attraction vanishes. Sometimes it's that special something. The more they say, the way they laugh, their interests & way of describing things just opens your heart.

 

There's always a moment of realization. You let it go WAY, WAY too far before stopping. As soon as "that special something" is even a possibility you should pull away. Don't write personal (non buisiness related) messages. You don't have private conversations & you NEVER go anywhere alone with a member of the opposite sex who you feel any attraction for.

 

Marriage isn't always a bed of roses. We've just had our 20th wedding anniversary. Over the years I've been desperately, truly, deeply, madly in love with my husband. It ebbs & flows. Some days he really annoys me. There have even been times that I haven't even liked him!! Love is a commitment. That knowledge that there will be good days & bad days & it really doesn't matter because the storm will clear is what makes a marriage last.

 

It's bloody hard for two intelligent human beings to share a home, a life, year in & year out. I'm a hapless romantic. I never really believed that "Marriage takes work" but it does!! I think it's worth it & I think you do to.

 

Best wishes. Love your little family & grab all the happy that you can

[LargoLagg]

I'm not trying to be harsh.

Not a problem.

flirting is a line. flirting with the intention of buying is definitely a line. telling someone you fell in love with them. Something that did not need to be done because she was not your wife and you did not owe her anything as I am assuming she knew you were married, is definitely crossing the line. I mean saying Love, so and so in an email is like habit you could maybe wiggle out of but saying "I fell in love with you." yeah. that's a line. Empathy isn't putting the new you in your wife's shoes and then saying "If I was her I'd understand because now I know how easy it is to tell another woman I fell in love with her". Empathy is knowing your wife well enough to understand the hurt and betrayal she would feel at the words you have written about your OW, the feelings you had for her, the telling her you fell in love with her. All from your wife's perspective not your own. That is true empathy.

When you say it that way, it becomes a little more obvious. Thanks

[LargoLagg]

You knowyour comment about projecting?

 

That is exactly what you are doing. You are projecting how you would feel on to your wife.

 

Somewhere along the line, I think you've misunderstood. What I was trying to convey is how I would feel if she did what I did. I think I described that, and I think I also described how I think she would feel, and I think those two descriptions are different.

 

I think that in my mind, for the purposes of this discussion, the focus is not on how she feels about it, but how I feel about it. I think it's fair to say that the overwhelming consensus is that this is a failing on my part, that really, my focus should be EXACTLY on what she would think about it.

 

The thing is, I pretty much already know that; All I really wanted to do originally was lament about the difficulty of letting go. Having been landed here by the admins, I got a completely different conversation. I hadn't really gotten to that yet internally, and so what you got to read is my AS-IS, without the benefit of a lot of reflection or thought. Unevolved, if you will. My musings have been a stream-of-consciousness dump of essentially where I'm at. Clearly, those who have been through this have thought a lot about it, and I'm just now catching up to who it is I'm talking to here.

 

I'm open to the charge that I'm whitewashing my behavior. I'll think about it, I do have a lot to think about, but again, I'm not quite there yet, but I am coming around. Noirek said things in a way that gave me some pause, connected with me in terms of allowing me to better understand what I said and what I meant and where that might be dishonest of me. You did not, but that's ok too.

 

I'm not settled on this yet, but I'm not going to shy away from it either. As long as I continue to receive valuable input, I'll keep considering and responding. At some point, either you all will decide I'm hopeless, or maybe I'll climb on board.

 

We'll see.

[LargoLagg]

I do understand where you're coming from OP. The problem that I have with your thinking is....

 

You have had an affair!

 

....I know that you think that you did good because you didn't have sex with your OW. You did!! The problem is women, in general, are more damaged by the emotions & men are (again generally) more effected by the sexual details.

 

As a woman I can tell you my marriage will never be the same because of my husbands EA! We are no longer 'innocent'. He has broken our love story. I know my situation is more complex than yours but the knowledge that MY husband said those 3 little words to another woman has shattered me & our marriage. There aren't words to describe the agony. "I love you" means so very much.

 

 

Anyway, the lesson to be learnt is WHERE you drew the line. We are all human & we all feel attraction to others. Sometimes it's the way they look...then they open their mouth & all attraction vanishes. Sometimes it's that special something. The more they say, the way they laugh, their interests & way of describing things just opens your heart.

 

There's always a moment of realization. You let it go WAY, WAY too far before stopping. As soon as "that special something" is even a possibility you should pull away. Don't write personal (non buisiness related) messages. You don't have private conversations & you NEVER go anywhere alone with a member of the opposite sex who you feel any attraction for.

 

Marriage isn't always a bed of roses. We've just had our 20th wedding anniversary. Over the years I've been desperately, truly, deeply, madly in love with my husband. It ebbs & flows. Some days he really annoys me. There have even been times that I haven't even liked him!! Love is a commitment. That knowledge that there will be good days & bad days & it really doesn't matter because the storm will clear is what makes a marriage last.

 

It's bloody hard for two intelligent human beings to share a home, a life, year in & year out. I'm a hapless romantic. I never really believed that "Marriage takes work" but it does!! I think it's worth it & I think you do to.

 

Best wishes. Love your little family & grab all the happy that you can

Thanks. I'm going to mark you down as having agreed with the consensus.

 

There is another can of worms in your post that I'm not going to open, but I wanted to acknowledge your post, and let you know that I've listened and it's been helpful.

 

Thanks

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm having trouble identifying the lines I crossed. I don't control who I like, or who I feel a romantic attraction towards. It just happens for me, and I don't think I could tell you why. When OW and I spent time with each other, we had a lot of fun, the same way that you have fun when you're out in public with someone you're dating. If it were a movie, it would be rated G.

 

Did your wife know about the time you were spending with the OW?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LargoLagg]

Did your wife know about the time you were spending with the OW?

 

Mr. Lucky

Actually, yes, she did. Anticipating the other questions you might have, usually, these were group events, parties or lunches, dinners and the like. A few times, she came with me. Usually, she was invited along, but elected not to go. Towards the end, OW and I met a handful of times one-on-one as a spur of the moment thing. I never wanted to feel like I had been "caught", so I always told her, usually in advance, after the fact otherwise. She never voiced any objection, other than to characterize one time as a date and to warn me that if I ever cheated on her, there'd be hell to pay. That was the same day that we cut things off, so it wasn't anything I'd have to worry about again. But even then, she never really objected to me spending any of that time with OW, and she's not shy about objecting to things she doesn't like.

 

Maybe this story will help explain the way it works between us. Way back when, when we first started dating seriously, she told me she was going to a sports event with some guy who was a high school friend. I asked a few questions, and then I told her that I'd prefer if she didn't go with him. She said there was nothing to worry about, they were just friends, but if it really bothered me, she'd call him and cancel. So I asked her to cancel. I left her place, and then I returned about 10 minutes later. I asked if she called to cancel yet, and she said no, not yet, and I said "Don't. You go ahead and go with him. I don't want to be suspicious of you. I want to trust you and the only way I know to do that is to trust you. So you go and have fun. It's perfectly ok with me." That made her really happy, and it's been that way between us ever since.

[wmacbride]

Somewhere along the line, I think you've misunderstood. What I was trying to convey is how I would feel if she did what I did. I think I described that, and I think I also described how I think she would feel, and I think those two descriptions are different.

 

I think that in my mind, for the purposes of this discussion, the focus is not on how she feels about it, but how I feel about it. I think it's fair to say that the overwhelming consensus is that this is a failing on my part, that really, my focus should be EXACTLY on what she would think about it.

 

The thing is, I pretty much already know that; All I really wanted to do originally was lament about the difficulty of letting go. Having been landed here by the admins, I got a completely different conversation. I hadn't really gotten to that yet internally, and so what you got to read is my AS-IS, without the benefit of a lot of reflection or thought. Unevolved, if you will. My musings have been a stream-of-consciousness dump of essentially where I'm at. Clearly, those who have been through this have thought a lot about it, and I'm just now catching up to who it is I'm talking to here.

 

I'm open to the charge that I'm whitewashing my behavior. I'll think about it, I do have a lot to think about, but again, I'm not quite there yet, but I am coming around. Noirek said things in a way that gave me some pause, connected with me in terms of allowing me to better understand what I said and what I meant and where that might be dishonest of me. You did not, but that's ok too.

 

I'm not settled on this yet, but I'm not going to shy away from it either. As long as I continue to receive valuable input, I'll keep considering and responding. At some point, either you all will decide I'm hopeless, or maybe I'll climb on board.

 

We'll see.

 

I get that you are working through a lot of emotions, and that you are trying to sort it all out.

 

One thing that I notice is that you say you need to work through the feelings about the relationship with this other woman, which indicates that you attached a lot more emotion and meaning to the relationship that you really want to admit to yourself right now. This makes it far more than a friendship,which is something you have said yourself.

 

The problem is that it think you're saying the right words,but not really getting it emotionally or intellectually.

 

You also say that you engaged in a lot of time/conversation/activities with this other woman, and started out as just friends. Did your wife know you were spending all this time with her? If so,was she also invited and welcome to come along, or did you hide what you were doing from her? How did you explain the situation to her? Did you lie, or were you honest?

 

It's that you were attracted to another woman besides your wife that is the problem. That happens to many married people, but they don't act on it. You did, which is where you crossed that line. It probably felt good, so you let it keep going, but stopped before it became physical. You kept the relationship intensify, maybe without even realizing it, which indicates you have a poor sense of boundaries. You, by your own admission, allowed yourself to develop an emotional bond that went beyond friendship. How will you keep yourself from allowing this to happen again?

 

This is something from inside you. While working on your marriage is an excellent idea, what sort of personal work are you planning to do so that, should this situation arise again, you'll handle it differently and not let a friendship cross the line again?

( ETA- I see you already answer the question about whether or not your wife knew about the relationship)

Edited October 19, 2016 by wmacbride

[LargoLagg]

I get that you are working through a lot of emotions, and that you are trying to sort it all out.

 

One thing that I notice is that you say you need to work through the feelings about the relationship with this other woman, which indicates that you attached a lot more emotion and meaning to the relationship that you really want to admit to yourself right now. This makes it far more than a friendship,which is something you have said yourself.

She means a lot to me, yes. How much, I'm really not sure. I will say that I've felt a lot worse about leaving people before, this is mild in comparison. I think I caught it almost in time. That said, I feel certain that for me at least, this would have developed into something more, and frankly, that's rare for me. I'd been with lots of women, but I could count the emotional attachments on one hand and have a finger left over. Also, it's been many, many years since I've felt this for anybody except my wife. I've had opportunities to cheat before, but they were easy to avoid or turn down because I didn't care about those women. So it's hard to dismiss these feelings, even though I'm not dying over here.

 

The problem is that it think you're saying the right words,but not really getting it emotionally or intellectually.

It's pretty fresh, and it hasn't been all that long since I turned around. I haven't really processed this yet, I thought it would just be better to feel it before I analyze it too deeply. I'm certainly not in my normal emotional state, so I'm not certain that what I feel right now is really how I feel ordinarily. I think I need some time to detach from what I'm feeling.

 

You also say that you engaged in a lot of time/conversation/activities with this other woman, and started out as just friends. Did your wife know you were spending all this time with her? If so,was she also invited and welcome to come along, or did you hide what you were doing from her? How did you explain the situation to her? Did you lie, or were you honest?

You saw that.

It's that you were attracted to another woman besides your wife that is the problem. That happens to many married people, but they don't act on it. You did, which is where you crossed that line. It probably felt good, so you let it keep going, but stopped before it became physical. You kept the relationship intensify, maybe without even realizing it, which indicates you have a poor sense of boundaries. You, by your own admission, allowed yourself to develop an emotional bond that went beyond friendship. How will you keep yourself from allowing this to happen again?

Well, the way I see it today, there's attraction, there's attraction and then there's attraction. Meaning that the evolution of this thing was that I recognized her as being physically attractive, then I found that she was simpatico with me, we are compatible on a personal level. All that stuff felt good, yes, and I was probably laying a foundation, but I have many relationships with females like that which do not progress beyond that point. Then all of a sudden, it changed. I can remember the day that I realized that I felt something for her. I don't think this was an issue of boundaries, at least, not up to this point, but I'll consider it further.

 

For example, one of the things I've read over and over is how a WS will share their marital dissatisfaction with OM/OW. There was none of that here, so that boundary wasn't crossed. It wasn't "us vs. the wife". I could name 10 women that I've done these very same things with and this hasn't happened before. I think the difference is the conversations we had, which, now that I think about it, are very similar to the conversations that my wife and I had when we first met. They were intimate, not in a sexual or emotional sort of way, but on a personal level where you disclose things about yourself that get to the essence of who you are, where you came from and how you got there. But even when you go there, I guess the way to describe it is that there have to be points where you can connect. If you tell me things about yourself that I don't identify with and vice versa, it's not likely to have an effect on me or you, no matter how much we open ourselves up to each other. I don't think we even have to have shared similar experiences, it's some combination of understanding, admiration, I'm not sure what else, but somehow, she touched me. That really did feel good.

 

This being the first time I've thought about this, maybe that's why I didn't recognize it. I've had these sorts of conversations with other women, and to me, it's just getting to know each other better. They haven't led me to the same place, and now I think I have a better understanding of why I find friends, why I feel emotional attachments, how that connection forms or doesn't form. I think this is why people can suddenly feel very familiar, even though you don't know them that well. I wonder if I've just ruined some of the mystery of life. Anyway, you don't know until you get there, and in order for it to happen, you can't be guarded. That's how you figure out how well you fit with someone, or at least, that's apparently how it works for me. Given how infrequently I connect in this way, it really hasn't been a problem for me until now. This is a fluke.

 

I don't know, because we never talked about it, but I'd bet money that OW had a similar takeaway from one conversation in particular. After that, that's when the way we talked to each other changed. It wasn't necessarily what we said as much as it was how it was said. It was like we were sharing something, I don't really know how to describe it other than there was a deeper level of intimacy, a shorthand, a deeper understanding of each other. It's the same kind of thing where couples begin to anticipate each other's thoughts and complete each other's sentences. It was like that. It just changed all of a sudden.

 

After that, she would say or do things, not even necessarily with me, but I'd take notice, and I'd admire her for who she was. Her worth began to increase in my eyes, and again, looking back, it didn't strike me that this was injurious to the relationship with my wife. I also remember that sometimes, she'd look at me and she had a look on her face that matched the things I was feeling about her. This added to the sense of connection, and all of it fed off of itself.

 

In retrospect, that's when I should have cooled my jets, but thinking back, I wasn't really thinking in terms of wanting to be with her, as much as I simply enjoyed being around her. I didn't go home wanting to be in her bed, it was more like an afterglow I felt from having spent time with her. She made me feel really good, and that's what I was trying to get at with my earlier comment about being in a 4th grade crush.

 

Of course, after that, sex did enter my mind, and I started thinking of how this might all work, and every road led to the same place, the place I intuitively knew where it was going. It was simply unworkable, there was no way I could have more of OW than I had now. The only two options were death and divorce, and I couldn't begin to wish for either of those things. Then I thought, one day, this is going to be unsatisfying for her, and I'm going to have to suffer through a breakup of a relationship that never really gets off the ground. I'm in too deep, I have to get out. So I did.

 

When we did, up until then, this thing was strong and unspoken. It was the elephant in the room, and I thought it needed to be dealt with. Maybe my choice of words could have been better, but I felt I needed to convey how valuable this thing was that I was giving back, partly for selfish reasons, but also to give as much as I could to her. I felt like I couldn't be done if I didn't get that out. I felt like she had to know, that I had to tell her.

 

As I read over what I've just written, I recognize a lot of "me, me, me" in the way I tell this story. I was certainly aware of what part of this whole thing I was keeping from my wife, and I think the reason why I didn't consider it betrayal was because I knew deep down inside that I'd never let this get physical. So an affair, in the ordinary sense that you think about that word, that was never going to happen, and therefore, the emotional component seemed unimportant with respect to us. I guess I just let myself enjoy this rare thrill for as long as I could. It was doomed from the beginning, and I guess I felt safe as a result.

 

This is my first time walking through the whole thing like this, so I'm not sure it's 100% right, but it's close.

 

 

 

This is something from inside you. While working on your marriage is an excellent idea, what sort of personal work are you planning to do so that, should this situation arise again, you'll handle it differently and not let a friendship cross the line again?

The only work I can think of doing is examining each action and being able to articulate my emotions or my motivations, and finding my fault wherever that lies. The truth though, is that while I recognize that you may not think this, no harm came to my marriage. If something about me and my idea of marriage is flawed, then it was already flawed before this thing happened - nothing has really changed. If anything, I'm a little wiser, a little more sensitive to what this might look like from my wife's eyes, and should it ever happen again, I'll probably be more attuned to it, be able to recognize it earlier for what it is.

 

The dumbest thing I did was allow myself to linger in the danger zone. The worst thing I can say I did was share my feelings with someone. If I had kept my mouth shut, and disappeared or backed off silently, would that have been better? Would I have avoided betrayal? I don't know. I felt a certain satisfaction, a closure, in telling OW how I felt and I think I'd feel regret had I not and I would still want to go back and explain myself. It would not feel like it was behind me right now, it would be as if I'd left the door ajar, and that seems like it would be worse.

 

Should I have backed off a little sooner? Yeah, probably, but it also feels like it happened quickly, like I was reacting to things in real time without a lot of time to reflect. I didn't linger in this for too long, really, and I think that's why I'm not totally depressed or devastated or feeling too guilty right now.

 

You may not agree with that, but it is a pretty honest assessment of my state of mind.

( ETA- I see you already answer the question about whether or not your wife knew about the relationship)

 

I'll continue to consider yours and other thoughts.

Edited October 19, 2016 by LargoLagg

[LargoLagg]

It's been a couple of weeks since I saw you last. I went to a party last night, and as usual, my wife didn't want to go, and sent me alone. I needed some fun, some distraction.

 

When I arrived, the host greeted me, showed me around, and then abandoned me to the crowd as other guests arrived. I didn't really know anybody there, so I introduced myself to a couple of women sitting at a table. Try to imagine the look on my face when the first woman introduced herself with your name, spoken in your accent. I asked, and she hails from your part of your country. She was single, about your age, your height, your build. I don't know if she was hunting men last night but she took a real liking to me, and we spent much of the night talking. She wasn't you, she was a distant second, but far closer to you in fit and form than any random stranger should be. As we bantered on into the evening, I closed my eyes and just listened as your understudy prattled on, and I imagined that was you, and I remembered some of the time we spent together.

 

I went there to get away, to find something to fill the void and fate put in front of me a reminder of the very thing I'm trying to put behind me. Do you believe in signs? What did the universe try to tell me last night? That I shouldn't walk away? That you're now out at parties eager to meet new men? That I won't be allowed to forget? That there are women like you everywhere? I don't know. Maybe it was just sheer coincidence. Maybe you'll meet someone who reminds you of me.

 

I've been trying to forget you, well, that's not right, trying to find a way to feel normal again now that you're not around. I wonder sometimes if you think of me too. I have to believe you do. I miss you, OW, I really do. ox

[S2B]

He doesn't miss you enough to say his divorce is final... until he can prove that - tell him not to toy with your emotions!

 

Stop "allowing him" to manipulate you!

[Cloudcuckoo]

It's been a couple of weeks since I saw you last. I went to a party last night, and as usual, my wife didn't want to go, and sent me alone. I needed some fun, some distraction.

 

When I arrived, the host greeted me, showed me around, and then abandoned me to the crowd as other guests arrived. I didn't really know anybody there, so I introduced myself to a couple of women sitting at a table. Try to imagine the look on my face when the first woman introduced herself with your name, spoken in your accent. I asked, and she hails from your part of your country. She was single, about your age, your height, your build. I don't know if she was hunting men last night but she took a real liking to me, and we spent much of the night talking. She wasn't you, she was a distant second, but far closer to you in fit and form than any random stranger should be. As we bantered on into the evening, I closed my eyes and just listened as your understudy prattled on, and I imagined that was you, and I remembered some of the time we spent together.

 

I went there to get away, to find something to fill the void and fate put in front of me a reminder of the very thing I'm trying to put behind me. Do you believe in signs? What did the universe try to tell me last night? That I shouldn't walk away? That you're now out at parties eager to meet new men? That I won't be allowed to forget? That there are women like you everywhere? I don't know. Maybe it was just sheer coincidence. Maybe you'll meet someone who reminds you of me.

 

I've been trying to forget you, well, that's not right, trying to find a way to feel normal again now that you're not around. I wonder sometimes if you think of me too. I have to believe you do. I miss you, OW, I really do. ox

 

 

Oh for goodness sake....I'm feeling quite nauseous...

 

You know, there was a chap here a while back who was as eloquent as you in his poetic and flowery writing...hmmm...

 

That woman you're married to needs a whole husband not a remnant.

[sandylee1]

He doesn't miss you enough to say his divorce is final... until he can prove that - tell him not to toy with your emotions!

 

Stop "allowing him" to manipulate you!

 

I think the post is from a MM.

[Vivir]

LargoLagg, I think an encounter such as this one would have sent me reeling had I experienced it. It seems you weathered through it nicely, however. Since my affair ended, I have been seeing the three numbers of xMM's area code literally everywhere - and those *tiny* reminders have made me think 'Is this a sign?' and 'Did I make the right decision to cut contact?' We talked on the phone more than anything, and it has been more difficult on some days not to dial his number, which I wish I didn't know by heart... I can only imagine how your encounter must've jarred you. Wishing you a renewed motivation to heal/return to normal as your mind calms down from those inevitable questions the encounter has caused you to ask.

[lemondrop21]

[]

 

I'm not defending this guy's whole affair, but at least he's posting here instead of texting xOW to see if she's still up for a quickie, only to push her away and slink back to his wife when it's over. I'm giving you credit for that much, Mr. MM.

 

She almost certainly knows you miss her, but that doesn't mean you want to commit to her, and you are doing her a favor by not contacting her and allowing her to start to heal. If it's "meant to be" then you still have time - many months, possibly years. Assuming she was very in love with you, she won't just get over it instantly and move on; at best she might rebound or start dating casually.

Edited October 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted off-topic content ~6

[LargoLagg]

Yeah, it was just weird, that's all.

[LargoLagg]

Oh for goodness sake....I'm feeling quite nauseous...

 

You know, there was a chap here a while back who was as eloquent as you in his poetic and flowery writing...hmmm...

 

That woman you're married to needs a whole husband not a remnant.

Let me guess. Hell hath no fury?

 

I'm going to offer that she probably also needs him to be free of these wistful thoughts, and that letting go of them will help make that husband whole again.

 

Being scolded doesn't help me get there, but thanks for playing.

[LargoLagg]

LargoLagg, I think an encounter such as this one would have sent me reeling had I experienced it. It seems you weathered through it nicely, however. Since my affair ended, I have been seeing the three numbers of xMM's area code literally everywhere - and those *tiny* reminders have made me think 'Is this a sign?' and 'Did I make the right decision to cut contact?' We talked on the phone more than anything, and it has been more difficult on some days not to dial his number, which I wish I didn't know by heart... I can only imagine how your encounter must've jarred you. Wishing you a renewed motivation to heal/return to normal as your mind calms down from those inevitable questions the encounter has caused you to ask.

Thanks. It's one thing to see a random reminder, but to see the same coincidence repeatedly, like in your case, or so bizarrely pointedly, like in mine, it makes you think you're missing something, doesn't it? Maybe it's just a way to help us strengthen our resolve, to have something concrete to resist.

 

Wishing you the same.

[LargoLagg]

[]

 

I'm not defending this guy's whole affair, but at least he's posting here instead of texting xOW to see if she's still up for a quickie, only to push her away and slink back to his wife when it's over. I'm giving you credit for that much, Mr. MM.

 

She almost certainly knows you miss her, but that doesn't mean you want to commit to her, and you are doing her a favor by not contacting her and allowing her to start to heal. If it's "meant to be" then you still have time - many months, possibly years. Assuming she was very in love with you, she won't just get over it instantly and move on; at best she might rebound or start dating casually.

Thanks. Right, I don't want to make anybody else miserable and I don't want to restart the clock, and I can't wish for what it would take to make this honorable. I can't really worry about what becomes of her either. She deserves that kind of happiness in her life and I have to be the worst type of candidate for her to get it with. My wife also deserves me to be all in, so I just need to purge myself of whatever gets in the way of that.

[howtogoon2016]

It's been a couple of weeks since I saw you last. I went to a party last night, and as usual, my wife didn't want to go, and sent me alone. I needed some fun, some distraction.

 

When I arrived, the host greeted me, showed me around, and then abandoned me to the crowd as other guests arrived. I didn't really know anybody there, so I introduced myself to a couple of women sitting at a table. Try to imagine the look on my face when the first woman introduced herself with your name, spoken in your accent. I asked, and she hails from your part of your country. She was single, about your age, your height, your build. I don't know if she was hunting men last night but she took a real liking to me, and we spent much of the night talking. She wasn't you, she was a distant second, but far closer to you in fit and form than any random stranger should be. As we bantered on into the evening, I closed my eyes and just listened as your understudy prattled on, and I imagined that was you, and I remembered some of the time we spent together.

 

I went there to get away, to find something to fill the void and fate put in front of me a reminder of the very thing I'm trying to put behind me. Do you believe in signs? What did the universe try to tell me last night? That I shouldn't walk away? That you're now out at parties eager to meet new men? That I won't be allowed to forget? That there are women like you everywhere? I don't know. Maybe it was just sheer coincidence. Maybe you'll meet someone who reminds you of me.

 

I've been trying to forget you, well, that's not right, trying to find a way to feel normal again now that you're not around. I wonder sometimes if you think of me too. I have to believe you do. I miss you, OW, I really do. ox

 

 

 

I just read your thread from start to finish. I admire that you realized you went too far before you got into a PA. I admire the fact that you came here to post about the fact you were reminded of OW at that party. I get you. I know where you are coming from. Nobody can understand the spark you can experience while married until it happens to you. It hit me like a thunderbolt. It happened to me (MW) when I met MM all those 9 years ago. Even when we were in the ‘off’ stages of which we have had a few I would see reminders of him everywhere. Not a day goes by he’s not in my thoughts. We have had times where we have checked out from one another. D-day caused that to happen. We both were in the ‘deny, deny, deny’ teams to our spouses until we were well and truly caught. That sent us both crawling with our tails between our legs. But then we obviously got reminders, we just ran into one another by chance, we just organized a catch up followed by another, we just talked on the phone here or there, we just texted once in a while, we just ended up back in bed together……….

 

 

You my friend have got off lightly by stopping the EA in its tracks. Though you are still very much in the EA feelings wise but also in NC so it’s a start, the hole you may have dug had the chance to be much much greater. I am in the hole. Way down the hole with no strength to even think I can get out of it. I can’t leave my BH who believes we are in full R since D-day, and I can’t go to my MM either. I feel like I will live the rest of my life in limbo. I guess that is the choice I have made but it hurts like hell

Edited October 21, 2016 by howtogoon2016

[cocorico]

I went to a party last night, and as usual, my wife didn't want to go, and sent me alone.

 

Am I the only one to pick up on this?

 

LL, there are two ways I could read this:

 

1) You and your BW are really mismatched. You want a life of "fun and distraction", she wants a quiet life away from the hustle and bustle of small talk with people she doesn't know. You feel frustrated and need to augment the quiet life she craves with "fun and distraction" from elsewhere. Enter OW. Not just the last one. Also the next, and the next.

 

2) You are feeling resentful towards your BW now that you've lost your OW and are interpreting her every action through a passive-aggressive filter. "As usual" she eschews your idea of a good way to spend an evening. "As usual" she "sends" you off, all alone. I don't know about your M, but I don't "send" my H anywhere. He's a grown man and makes his own decisions about where to go and what to do. And, when it comes to parties and the like, we pretty much prefer to go together, or stay at home together. We enjoy socialising, but sometimes enjoy time for ourselves. If one of us felt that the other was out of synch with where we were at, let alone "as usual", we'd sit down and discuss what might be behind that, rather than carrying that grumpiness and resentment around with us.

 

Even if it was as simple as you both having a civil conversation about a party, you gagging to go because of cabin fever and her suffering contact overload and wanting quiet time, you'd have used different - less loaded - language to describe the situation. You'd have been more accommodating of your BW's choice not to join you at a party where you knew no one - and less defensive of your choice to go regardless of your BW wanting to stay home. Your choice of words is enlightening.

[heartwhole]

Am I the only one to pick up on this?

 

LL, there are two ways I could read this:

 

1) You and your BW are really mismatched. You want a life of "fun and distraction", she wants a quiet life away from the hustle and bustle of small talk with people she doesn't know. You feel frustrated and need to augment the quiet life she craves with "fun and distraction" from elsewhere. Enter OW. Not just the last one. Also the next, and the next.

 

2) You are feeling resentful towards your BW now that you've lost your OW and are interpreting her every action through a passive-aggressive filter. "As usual" she eschews your idea of a good way to spend an evening. "As usual" she "sends" you off, all alone. I don't know about your M, but I don't "send" my H anywhere. He's a grown man and makes his own decisions about where to go and what to do. And, when it comes to parties and the like, we pretty much prefer to go together, or stay at home together. We enjoy socialising, but sometimes enjoy time for ourselves. If one of us felt that the other was out of synch with where we were at, let alone "as usual", we'd sit down and discuss what might be behind that, rather than carrying that grumpiness and resentment around with us.

 

Even if it was as simple as you both having a civil conversation about a party, you gagging to go because of cabin fever and her suffering contact overload and wanting quiet time, you'd have used different - less loaded - language to describe the situation. You'd have been more accommodating of your BW's choice not to join you at a party where you knew no one - and less defensive of your choice to go regardless of your BW wanting to stay home. Your choice of words is enlightening.

 

I caught that too. I'm going to guess it's #2. And this ties into the empathy and perspective I've been asking you to consider. When you view your partner's actions through a negative lens, it starts a vicious cycle of confirmation bias. "Yup, she didn't want to go to a party with me again. Sigh. OW probably would have been down with that." But your wife may very well be disappointed not to spend time with you but is giving you the benefit of the doubt that socializing among strangers is something you really need to do.

 

It's common for introverts and extroverts to pair up. They have qualities that help balance the other out. My husband and I are an example. He's such an extrovert that I was laughing with some girlfriends about how it's physically impossible to nurture relationships at the rate my husband makes new friendships, and my friend chimed in, "Yeah, it's impossible to spend quality time with the HeartWholes because anywhere you go, Mr. HeartWhole will know 80 people and you'll never get to talk to him." Funny but true.

 

The balance worked for us when we didn't have kids. I would always have papers to grade and we spent a lot of time socializing on our front porch where I could escape inside if need be. Then we had kids, and I remember my husband still wanting to go out 4 nights in one week. Well, goody for him, but I was breastfeeding a newborn and obviously couldn't go out. And mathematically, there weren't enough nights for me to go out the same amount, and that left little time together. This was not a problem we had tackled prior to having kids -- we were just winging it -- and it started to create imbalance and frustration in our marriage at that time. Then we had a second kid and I developed a chronic illness that limits my ability to socialize, and the imbalance and resentment was much worse. My husband stopped giving me the benefit of the doubt about wanting to spend time with him but needing that time at home to rest.

 

Today we have done enough self-work and couple work that we are each other's cheerleaders. If he wants to do something, I want to do it it too, because even if I'm not really keen on talking to strangers I know it makes him happy. Likewise, he is considerate of my energy and appetite for social interaction. Whereas before he would stomp off like a teenager if I fell ill at a party and we had to leave, now he rushes to attend to me and reassures me that he just wants me to feel better. Together we strategize how I can rest during the day so that we can do things together at night.

 

My sense of your marriage OP is that you are in the "winging it" stage. And if you've already experienced an EA in these early honeymoon days of your marriage, then I can tell you that once a little stress from job loss or health issues and children comes along, it will likely go to sh*t. You need counseling and a major reset to build a strong foundation.

[Birdies]

I just read your thread from start to finish. I admire that you realized you went too far before you got into a PA. I admire the fact that you came here to post about the fact you were reminded of OW at that party. I get you. I know where you are coming from. Nobody can understand the spark you can experience while married until it happens to you. It hit me like a thunderbolt. It happened to me (MW) when I met MM all those 9 years ago. Even when we were in the ‘off’ stages of which we have had a few I would see reminders of him everywhere. Not a day goes by he’s not in my thoughts. We have had times where we have checked out from one another. D-day caused that to happen. We both were in the ‘deny, deny, deny’ teams to our spouses until we were well and truly caught. That sent us both crawling with our tails between our legs. But then we obviously got reminders, we just ran into one another by chance, we just organized a catch up followed by another, we just talked on the phone here or there, we just texted once in a while, we just ended up back in bed together……….

 

 

You my friend have got off lightly by stopping the EA in its tracks. Though you are still very much in the EA feelings wise but also in NC so it’s a start, the hole you may have dug had the chance to be much much greater. I am in the hole. Way down the hole with no strength to even think I can get out of it. I can’t leave my BH who believes we are in full R since D-day, and I can’t go to my MM either. I feel like I will live the rest of my life in limbo. I guess that is the choice I have made but it hurts like hell

 

Not to thread jack, but from one MW to another, you really REALLY need to either stop it and go 100% NC with your MM, or just end your marriage. Your husband is going to find all of this out at some point and it's going to utterly destroy him. If you ever loved him at all - make a decision and act on it before you hurt him any more!!! Been there done that and it's horrible. Horrible horrible horrible

[anika99]

LargoLagg, I think an encounter such as this one would have sent me reeling had I experienced it. It seems you weathered through it nicely, however. Since my affair ended, I have been seeing the three numbers of xMM's area code literally everywhere - and those *tiny* reminders have made me think 'Is this a sign?' and 'Did I make the right decision to cut contact?' We talked on the phone more than anything, and it has been more difficult on some days not to dial his number, which I wish I didn't know by heart... I can only imagine how your encounter must've jarred you. Wishing you a renewed motivation to heal/return to normal as your mind calms down from those inevitable questions the encounter has caused you to ask.

 

Lol...seeing an area code is not a sign. When something or someone is on our mind then we are quick to hone in on anything that is associated, things that we would normally be oblivious to. Years ago when I had an unplanned pregnancy and I was agonizing over what I should do it suddenly seemed like every other person I saw was either a pregnant woman or a mother with her infant. Another time I was considering buying an old Toyota Camry and it suddenly seemed like everyone was driving older Camrys, because the car was on my mind I was quick to notice any and every other car that was like it. When an old boyfriend and I broke up and he moved to another city for a short time afterwards it seemed like everybody I met had some connection to that city. They were from there or going there or had family there. See what I'm saying? These are not signs from the universe, it's just your subconscious mind zeroing in on details that it used to dismiss.

[Mr. Lucky]

Being scolded doesn't help me get there, but thanks for playing.

 

She was simply being civil, a less restrained person would be more pointed in their language. When you continue to act inappropriately, folks are going to call you on your s**t.

 

Try to imagine the look on my face when the first woman introduced herself with your name, spoken in your accent. I asked, and she hails from your part of your country. She was single, about your age, your height, your build.

 

Can't help but wonder if this is what you saw or what you wanted to see. You seem determined to wallow, very little thought about how you'll reconnect with your wife...

 

Mr. Lucky